Psychologist Labkovsky articles about relationships with children. Mikhail Labkovsky: “Making sure that the child is dressed and fed is a concern, not an upbringing. About child aggression

A family psychologist with 30 years of experience on the most important things that we often lose sight of when trying to “raise a person out of a child”

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At lectures, Mikhail Labkovsky talks about simple and important things that we often lose sight of when trying to “grow a person out of a child”.

1. Being unhappy people, there is no way you can build a relationship with a child in such a way that he is happy. And if the parents are happy, then you don’t need to do anything special.

2. Many people think that everything is fine with them, parents, and only their children have problems.
And they are surprised when two completely different children grow up in the same family: one is self-confident, successful, an excellent student in combat and politics, and the other is a notorious loser, always whining or aggressive. But this means that the children felt differently in the family, and some of them did not have enough attention. Someone was more sensitive and more in need of love, but the parents did not notice this.

3. Making sure that the child is dressed, shod and fed is a concern, not an upbringing.
Unfortunately, many parents believe that enough care is enough.

4. As you communicate with a child in his childhood, so he will treat you in your old age.

5. The school should teach not so much mathematics and literature as life itself.
It is important to get from the school not so much theoretical knowledge as practical skills: the ability to communicate, build relationships, be responsible for oneself - one’s words and actions, solve one’s problems, negotiate, manage one’s time ... These are the skills that help you feel confident in adulthood and earn money yourself for life.

6. A child's over-anxiety about bad grades is only a mirror of the adults' reactions.
If parents calmly react to a deuce or failures in sports, to some other failures, if parents smile, they say: “ My good, don't be upset”, then the child is calm, stable, he necessarily levels off in his studies and finds a business where he succeeds.

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7. If in elementary school your child does not cope with the program, if you have to sit with your child over lessons for a long time, the problem is not in the child, but in the school.
Harder doesn't mean better! The child should not overwork, trying to catch up with the program compiled by the teachers. In the first grade, the preparation of homework should take from 15 to 45 minutes.

8. It is possible and sometimes even necessary to punish children.
But you need to clearly separate the child and his act. For example, you agreed in advance that before you come home from work, he will do his homework, eat and clean up after himself. And then you come home and see a picture: the pot of soup is untouched, the textbooks have clearly not been opened, some papers are lying on the carpet, and the child is sitting with his nose in the tablet.

The main thing is at this moment not to turn into a fury, not to yell about the fact that “everyone has children like children” and that zero without a wand will grow out of your child.
Approach the child without the slightest aggression. Smiling, hug him and say: “I love you very much, but you won’t get a tablet for a week”. But yelling, insulting, being offended and not talking - that's not necessary. The child is punished by the weaning of gadgets.

9. A child should have pocket money from the age of six.
Not large, but regularly issued amounts, which he manages himself.

And it is very important that money does not become a tool for manipulation. There is no need to control what the child spends them on, and make the amount of tranches dependent on his academic performance and behavior.

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10. No need to live their lives for children, decide what to do and what not to do, solve their problems for them, put pressure on them with your ambitions, expectations, instructions.
You will grow old, how will they live?

11. All over the world, only the smartest and richest go to universities.
The rest go to work, look for themselves and earn money for higher education. What do we have?..

12. I am against constant scrutiny.
The child must be sure that the family loves him, respects him, respects him and trusts him. In this case, he will not contact the “bad company” and will avoid many temptations that peers with a tense situation in the family cannot resist.

13. When I worked at school, on Knowledge Day I said that you need to study, if only because you get paid many times more for working with your head than for physical labor.
And that once you learn, you can work and get paid for what you love to do.

14. The mess in the teenager's room corresponds to his internal state.
This is how outwardly chaos is expressed in his spiritual world. It’s good if he is washing himself ... You can only demand to “put things in order” if the child’s things fall out of his room.

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15. To educate is not to explain how to live. This does not work.
Children develop only by analogy. What is possible and what is not, how it should be and how it is better not to act, children understand not from the words of their parents, but exclusively from their actions.

Simply put, if the father says that drinking is harmful, but he himself does not dry out, there are many chances that the son will become an alcoholic. This is the most striking example, but children catch and adopt more subtle things no less sensitively.

16. It is necessary to talk with children about life in general, and not about how to live.
If a parent can only talk to a child about problems, he has a problem.

17. If a child tries to manipulate adults, he simply has a neurosis.
And we need to look for its cause. Healthy people do not manipulate - they solve their problems by acting straightforwardly.

18. In a conversation with a child, do not criticize him, do not touch his personality, do not go beyond the analysis of his actions.
Talk not about him, but about yourself. Not “you are bad”, but “I think you did a bad thing”. Use language: “I don’t like it when you…”, “I don’t like it when you…”, “I would like to…”

19. The child should feel that the parents are kind, but strong people.
Who can protect him, who can refuse him something, but always act in his interests and, most importantly, love him very much.

Do you agree that children's attempts to manipulate are a sign of neurosis?

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Lecture-consultation "About children" by Mikhail Labkovsky gives answers to parents' questions. It is suitable for those who do not have much time to read voluminous books on parenting or listen to long lectures. Everything here is short, clear and to the point. In a short period of time, the psychologist manages to talk about the most important moments of education.

At first, the birth of a child is perceived as something miraculous, this little man seems to be the most beautiful creature in the world. But it often happens that later everything becomes different. Parents get tired of the daily responsibility to monitor their children, educate them, especially if the child has a difficult character.

How to keep the joy of communicating with a child, how to gain mutual understanding? When should you discipline your child and when should you not? And what kind of punishment can be considered appropriate? How to learn not to be led by children, to say “no” to them so that they understand that this is done for the good? How to avoid conflicts between children? How to teach children to get up for school without disputes and daily battles? Answers to all these questions can be found in the psychologist's lecture, he gives vivid life examples, gives advice that will help grow a responsible person who understands that all actions have consequences.

On our website you can download the book "Lecture-consultation" About children "" in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format or read online. The rating of the book is 3.32 out of 5. Here, before reading, you can also refer to the reviews of readers who are already familiar with the book and find out their opinion. In the online store of our partner you can buy and read the book in paper form.

You are not five years old, but your mother still asks what you had for breakfast and whether you put on a hat. Dad never misses a chance to remind you that you are a clumsy clumsy. And, of course, both parents believe that you generally live wrong, and any attempt to talk ends in a scandal and mutual reproaches. We have collected six tips from psychologists on how adult children should talk to their parents.

Sasha Galitsky - art therapist, engaged in wooden sculpture with people who are from 70 to 100 years old

Mikhail Labkovsky - practicing psychologist

Don't try to change your parents

Sasha Galitsky:“Accept your parents as they are, with all the shortcomings, remembering that parents are not chosen and you will never have others.”

Mikhail Labkovsky:“One of the biggest problems for a person is to accept parents for who they are. For example, it happens that a child cannot win the love of his parents. In this case, you need to take out a pathological need from yourself so that your mother at least at some age pays attention to you. It's very difficult, but real."

Do not argue and do not quarrel

Sasha Galitsky:“The aggression of older people comes from dissatisfaction with themselves. When you accept the cause of aggression, when you smile at an elderly relative and do not respond to his attacks, aggression subsides. If he answered, he disappeared.

Mikhail Labkovsky:“When you hang up and think you've dealt with your parents, nothing happens. Resentment, aggression, rage - this is not a solution to the problem. When you send dad or mom, you are cool, of course, but you remain a resentful person.

Don't hold a grudge against your parents and don't blame yourself

Sasha Galitsky:“Guilt haunts everyone. No matter what happens, there remains a feeling that I didn’t finish it, I didn’t finish it, I behaved incorrectly with my parents. You don't have to blame yourself. Time is to blame. This is a vicious cycle that does not depend on us.”

Mikhail Labkovsky:“You don't owe anyone anything. There is a correct answer: “I didn’t ask you to give birth.” It was the choice of the parents, so no one owes anything to anyone here.”

Explain exactly what you want

Mikhail Labkovsky:“You need to be very specific in explaining to your mother what you do not want - so that a five-year-old child can understand. "Stay out of my life" is very abstract. “I don’t want to discuss my appearance” - specific. Mom, of course, will be offended at first, but as a result, she will begin to reckon with you and speak in a way that is comfortable for you.

Don't expect fun

Sasha Galitsky:“If you don’t wait for the pleasure of interacting with elderly relatives, the likelihood that you will still get it increases. You can get pleasure from yourself. For example: if I have a difficult conversation with a parent, I must restrain my own anger. One second it will be hard for me, and the rest of the time I will enjoy the fact that I restrained myself.

If you don't want to talk, don't talk

Mikhail Labkovsky:“If dad regularly calls you drunk and wants to talk, tell him: “Dear dad. I love you very much. When you call drunk, I definitely don't talk to you. I hang up and don't be offended by me." And never after that, do not break the word, do not say, “Dad, I asked drunk people not to call me.” If dad doesn’t understand something, you can just block his number.”

Surely you dream that your children know what they want - a very important quality for life, since it is a matter of self-confidence, high self-esteem, the right choice of work, family, friends, etc. How to teach this to a child? No, if you do not know how to realize your desires.

Mikhail Labkovsky is the most expensive psychologist in Russia

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My generation's parents never asked, “What do you want for breakfast or lunch? What clothes should you choose?" Usually what mother cooked, we ate. The key words for us were "necessary" and "correctly". Therefore, when I grew up, I began to ask myself: what do I really want? And I realized that I do not know the answer.

And so many of us - we are used to living automatically repeating parental scripts, and this is a big problem, because the only way to live our life happily is to live it the way we want.

Children under 5-8 years old develop by analogy with their parents - this is how the whole animal world works. That is, you are an example for him.

You ask: how to learn to understand your desires? Start small - with household items. And sooner or later you will understand what you want to do. Ask yourself: what kind of cottage cheese do you like? Once you find the answer, move on. For example, get up in the morning - and do not eat what is in the refrigerator or prepared in advance if you do not want to eat it. Better go to a cafe, and in the evening buy yourself something that you really love.

In the store, buy what you really like, and not what they sell on sale. And when you get dressed in the morning, choose the clothes that you like.

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There is one important problem with self-doubt - this is ambivalence, when you are torn apart by multidirectional desires: for example, you can eat and lose weight, sleep and watch TV at the same time, and also have a lot of money and not work.

This is the psychology of neurotics: such people are always in a state of internal conflict, their life does not turn out the way they want, there are always supposedly circumstances that interfere ... We must get out of this vicious circle, perhaps with the help of a psychologist.

Such people do not respect their choice, they can be quickly persuaded, and their motivation quickly changes. What to do with it? Whether it's right or wrong, try to do what you want. If you make a decision, try not to spill it along the way and bring it to the end! The exception is force majeure.

Another tip for doubters: you need to ask less questions to others

My favorite example is the women's dressing room in the store: you can see such women right away! Do not call saleswomen or your husband and do not ask them if the thing suits you or not. If you don’t understand yourself, stand and think at least until the store closes, but the decision should be yours! It is difficult and unusual, but in a different way - no way.

As for other people who want something from you (and this is how our world works, that everyone needs something from each other), you must proceed from what you yourself want. If the desire of a person coincides with yours, you can agree, but do not do anything to the detriment of yourself or your will!

Let me give you a tough example: you have small children who need attention, and you come home from work, you are very tired and do not want to play with them at all. If you still go to play, then you do it not because of a feeling of love, but because of a feeling of guilt. Children feel great! It is much better to tell the child: "I'm tired today, let's play tomorrow." And the child will understand that his mother is playing with him, because she really likes to do it, and not because she should feel like a good mother.

About children's independence

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Roughly speaking, there are two doctrines of infant care: one says that the child should be fed by the hour, and the other that food should be given when he wants to. Many choose to feed by the hour, because it is convenient - everyone wants to live and sleep. But even this nuance is fundamental from the point of view of the formation of the child's own desires. Children, of course, need to be regulated in food, but as part of proper nutrition, you can ask: “What do you want for breakfast?” Or when you go to the store with your child: “I have 1,500 rubles, we want to buy you shorts and a T-shirt. Pick them yourself."

The idea that parents know better than children what they need is rotten, they don’t know anything at all! Those kids whom parents choose to send to various sections also do not understand later what they want. And besides, they do not know how to manage their own time, because they simply do not have it. Children should be left to themselves for 2 hours a day to learn to occupy themselves and think about what they want.

The child is growing up, and if you ask him for all sorts of reasons what he would like, then everything will be fine with his desires. And then by the age of 15-16 he will begin to understand what he wants to do next. Of course, he can be wrong, but that's okay. It is also not necessary to force anyone to enter a university: he will unlearn for 5 years, and then he will live with an unloved profession all his life!

Ask him questions, be interested in his hobbies, give him pocket money - and he will really understand what he wants.

How to recognize a child's talents

I want to say right away that before school the child is not obliged to learn anything! Advanced development is nothing at all. At this age, the baby can do something only in a playful way and only when he wants it.

They sent the child to a circle or section, and after a while he became bored? You don't have to force him. And the fact that you feel sorry for wasted time is your problem.

Psychologists believe that a steady interest in any activity in children appears only after 12 years. You, as parents, can offer him, and he will choose.

Whether a child has talent or not, this is his life. If he has abilities, and he wants to realize them, then so be it, and nothing can interfere!

Many people think: if my baby has an ability for something, it must be developed. Actually - don't! He has his own life, and you do not have to live for him. The child should want to draw, but the ability to beautifully create pictures in itself does not mean anything, many can have it. Music, painting, literature, medicine - in these areas you can achieve something only by feeling the need for them!

Of course, it is sad for any mother to see how her son does not want to develop his obvious talent. And the Japanese say in this regard that a beautiful flower does not have to be plucked, you can just look at it and pass by. And we cannot accept the situation and say: “You draw cool, well done” - and move on.

How to get your child to help around the house

When a small child sees how mom and dad are doing something around the house, then, of course, he wants to join. And if you tell him: “Go away, don’t interfere!” (after all, he will break more plates than he will wash), then do not be surprised when your 15-year-old son does not wash the cup after him. Therefore, if a child takes the initiative, he should always be supported.

You can offer to participate in a common cause. But then no appeals to conscience: "Shame on you, mother alone is tearing herself up." As the ancients noted long ago: conscience and guilt are needed only to control people.

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If a parent is relaxed and enjoys life, then life is very simple for him. For example, a mother loves to wash dishes and can wash them for her child. But if she is reluctant to mess around at the sink, then she is not obliged to wash the dishes for her offspring. But he wants to eat from a clean cup, they tell him: “You don’t like a dirty one, go wash it after yourself!” This is much more progressive and effective than having the rules in your head.

It is not necessary to force the older child to be a nanny for the younger one, if he himself does not want it. Remember: no matter how old he is, he wants to be a child. When you say: “You are an adult, big,” you generate jealousy for the baby. Firstly, the elder begins to think that his childhood is over, and secondly, that he is simply not loved.

The statements of the famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky are based on “healthy cynicism” and many years of experience. Some agree with him, many reject his approach, fearing shattered illusions. But no one is indifferent

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1.The first thing you should do is stop wanting to get married. A healthy person does not want to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.

2. The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner is only in one thing - in a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

3. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if you cannot say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.

4. The cause of women's problems is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that she has a neurosis that needs an outlet. And for this way out, you need a certain person and a relationship in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has a mental need for this since childhood.

5. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.

6. When a flight attendant shows you life-saving equipment, what does she say about oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, make sure you mask yourself first, then the child.” This is the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, remaining an absolute psycho. So it doesn't work. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

7. Family therapy is a divorce. Only one type of family therapy I find really useful - the mediation of a psychologist in a divorce. But it is precisely this that is not practiced in Russia.

8. Healthy people always choose themselves, and neurotics - relationships to the detriment of themselves, and this is the main difference.

9. A woman should never tolerate in a relationship what she doesn't like. She should immediately talk about it, and if the man does not change, she should part with him.

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10. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.

11. The only quality your partner can have is that they hook you up. Everything else plays no role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no "bars".

12. The only time in a person's life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on parents. It lasts for a relatively short time. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.

Do you agree with the categorical phrases of the psychologist?

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