All the important responsibilities of a man in the family. All the important responsibilities of a man in the family Responsibilities of a man in the family in one list

Allah (s.t.) says in the Qur'an (surah "Ta ha", ayah 132):
“O you who have believed! Protect yourself and your families from Fire, which will be fueled by people and stones ... ”.

Ibn Umar (R.A.) said:
“I heard the Messenger of Allah (s.a.s.) say:“ Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is the shepherd for his subjects and is responsible for his flock, the man is the shepherd for his family and is responsible for his flock, the woman is the shepherd in her husband's house and is responsible for her flock, the servant is the shepherd for the property of his master and is responsible for your flock, and each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for your flock. " (al-Bukhari; Muslim)

More and more people today come to Islam and turn to faith, go to meet the contentment and mercy of Allah Almighty. Every year we see more and more people in mosques, more and more women and girls in hijabs. According to the promise of Allah Almighty, Islam is reborn in the lands where its light dimmed at one time, and spreads where people did not speak the words of monotheism before.

We must use this mercy of Allah (s.t.) as He ordered us, otherwise it will simply go to waste for us. That is, after accepting Islam, we should not lock ourselves in our faith, do namaz and keep fasting, while around us there is still a lot of unbelief and ignorance. Allah (s.t.) has ordered us to carry the light of Islam to other people throughout our life - this is part of our purest religion, and we have no right to adhere to one of its positions and neglect others. First of all, the responsibility of spreading and establishing Islam lies with us in relation to our families. It is quite natural that a believer should prepare his children not only for this life, but also for the future life. Moreover, the future life is a true life that will never end, and in which it will be too late to correct mistakes and omissions in the life of one's neighbor, and all hope will be only for the mercy and forgiveness of Allah (st.). Therefore, every Muslim who has a family should familiarize his children with faith and knowledge of how to achieve the favor of the Almighty, and also make sure that his wife brings up children accordingly, since the children spend most of their time with her.

Nevertheless, today, unfortunately, not every Muslim takes this extremely important duty of his own seriously enough. Perhaps this is due to the insufficiently strong iman or the inexperience of a person who has recently converted to the faith in the matter of his religion. We often see that among people who regularly perform prayer and dhikr, fasting, constantly attending the mosque, the wife and children have little adherence to Islam. Some may explain this by saying that they "do not want to impose" worship on their children and hope that the children, when they grow up, will follow their example. However, such frivolity on the Day of Judgment can be costly for both children and parents. And a person who is a sincere believer cannot take lightly the calculation of the Day of Judgment. The rules of behavior in society, the norms of generally accepted morality, the same people instill in their children not only by personal example, but also by coercion, and they, as a rule, do not even have doubts about whether to “impose” or “not impose” on children not to take without asking other people's things, crossing the street only in the right place, returning home strictly at the time specified by the parents. Because if children do not learn to strictly follow these rules, they will be constantly exposed to danger, it will be extremely difficult for them to adapt to independent life, which in the future is fraught with the most tragic consequences for them. But if people are so worried about the near life of their children, then all the more they should worry about their future life, before which the near life is worth nothing.

Therefore, sincere Muslims, who value the fate of their children, must certainly educate them in accordance with Islam and from an early age teach them to perform all the obligatory worship of the Almighty. Personal example, of course, is most important, but it is necessary not from time to time, but to regularly stimulate children to imitate their parents.
That is, try to perform namaz with them, and not provide them with the opportunity to quickly perform namaz "for excuses" at any time in order to return to their games as soon as possible. Otherwise, it is easy to achieve that when children grow up and get out of the control of their parents, they will stop doing namaz altogether, because they will get used to treating it as something quick, “formal”, and therefore unnecessary.

It is also important to regularly take children to collective prayer in the mosque so that they join the Muslim community, see that not only parents are diligent in worshiping Allah (s.t.), but other people as well. And do not spare time talking with children about Allah (s.t.), about faith, about the merits of the Islamic society, that Muslims are chosen by Allah (s.t.) before other people and are the best of human communities.

In a word, the upbringing of children in Islam must be approached with complete seriousness, doing it in the best possible way, not allowing oneself to be excessively harsh and nagging, which can cause them aversion to religion, or connivance, which allows children to completely withdraw into the environment of ignorance, neglect the worship of Allah ( s.t.), take lightly their faith. It is important to use a personal example, and to motivate children in the field of faith and religion, and actively involve them in the fulfillment of the orders of Allah (s.t.), and force them where necessary. But you need to make every effort to ensure that children grow up to be true Muslims - as Allah ordered (s.t.). Preparing them for their future life is more important than preparing them for their neighbors and all material wealth. And it depends on the appropriate upbringing of the young generation of Muslims by the will of Allah (s.t.) whether our great religion will remain with us and whether it will develop and prosper further. Allah (s.t.) gave us the opportunity to revive Islam - we must not miss it if we believe in Him, His Messenger, the Day of Judgment and Calculation!

Each person is guided by dreams of a cozy harbor and old age together. The romantic stage is characterized by idealistic ideas about marriage as a life of two lovers, filled only with joys. Realities demonstrate the existence of responsibilities, the difference in views of both spouses, the possibility of conflict and the constant need to prioritize. Usually a woman is more clearly aware of her tasks. The spouse is vaguely aware of the role of a man in the family, often not realizing its important components, which over time leads to disagreements. In order to minimize controversial situations, at the stage of obtaining a marriage certificate, it is important for each of the partners to realize the requirements for their own marital role, to discuss and accept them mutually.

What is the family institution?

From the point of view of sociology, marriage is a union of two people aimed at bringing benefits to society; a small organization in which a person is satisfied; genus extension institute; cradle of development for children. Centuries ago, the sensory component was not taken into account, families were created on the basis of material well-being, mutual understanding of relatives, and other aspirations. A successful union was based on mutual respect and unquestioning fulfillment by each of the spouses of their roles. The woman is the mother of the hearth. The role of men in the family is fundamental, aimed at ensuring well-being.

Democratization lasted for centuries. The fight for rights and freedoms has been successful. Marriages today are based on romantic feelings. It is a great privilege to have a common life with a loved one, to multiply benefits with him, and the emotional component strengthens alliances. It is also a tempting trap in which they perish as soon as their feelings weaken. In order to prevent the emergence of serious crises in marital relations, at the stage of their formation, correctly understand and fully accept the role of men and women in the family.

The evolution of the marriage institution

Marriage regulations are rooted in primitive society. In the days of matriarchy, the man was the breadwinner, the woman was the keeper of the hearth, while she was considered the head. produced agriculture, cattle breeding and the preponderance of the patriarchy. The herd has a generic organization. The role of a man and a woman in the family has changed somewhat video, while maintaining the same essence. She ensured joint housekeeping, but did not relieve the “stronger” sex from the tasks of the breadwinner, and the “weak” one from childbearing and caring for members of the clan.

Throughout the history of mankind, there have been various civilizations, in which the roles of each have significantly shifted. Stories are also known where she was a military leader, but those in which he would exclusively deal with children and household chores are unknown.

According to some scholars, the initial formation of clan monogamy involved the fair half in systemic domestic slavery. Centuries-old gender evolution has balanced possible social roles without depriving them of basic sexual responsibilities. The evolution of the role of a man in the family relies on filling his existence with a deep emotional component in relation to his wife and children, as well as in the equal division of everyday “duties”.

Modern family theory

Successful rural and urban family unions of the 21st century differ greatly from each other in terms of the conventions of happiness. For example, rural areas are characterized by the advantage of housekeeping. In this regard, mutual responsibilities are roughly divided, at the same time the kitchen is on the woman, and hard physical work is on the man. For such an organization, even in the modern gender age, it is considered abnormal for a male shift in the kitchen, and a female shift in the preparation of firewood.

For a modern urban family, social and professional activity is predominant. Household difficulties are reduced to cleaning, washing and cooking. Given the equality of the sexes, they may well be balanced. For this charter, it is considered normal when she works a lot, while he can sometimes cook food or work with children. In addition to the burden of urban family everyday life, the need for each of the couple to monitor their appearance and health is added. Visiting fitness rooms and beauty salons takes a certain part of the day and requires the other of the spouses to perform certain duties, for example, hanging out with the child. For another half a century, this component of marital life did not exist. And here again the evolution of the role of a man in the family manifests itself - if he wants to see his woman well-groomed and healthy, he must share part of her functions.

Role alignment

A social role is a set of actions that a person performs in relation to family members and society. During his life he covers several of them simultaneously. men assume the following components: lover, friend, father, breadwinner, protector, owner, professional affiliation, friendly position in the company of comrades. It is also not easy for a woman. She must be a beauty, mistress, counselor, mother, hostess, cook, home designer, economist, successful lady and faithful friend. At the same time, the social role of men and women in the family is approximately balanced in theory, but actually unstable. At many stages, a personal one can arise if the requirements are not consistent with their own desires and motives.

She - the mother and keeper of the hearth - wants to develop creatively, while her husband demands a professional career from her, and her relatives demand household chores. A man - a breadwinner and protector - wants to pursue his hobby, while his wife demands stable high earnings from him, and his loved ones - help. If you cannot combine the desired and the required, personal and family conflict arises, which can lead to depression or divorce.

At the stage of creating a marriage, as well as at each of the crisis periods, it is important to remember the main rule: the family is the coexistence of holistic individuals, where each has the same general responsibilities as their own rights, which must be taken into account in a successful social institution. After all, the main role of a man and a woman in the family is the extension of the clan and the upbringing of their children in love and mutual understanding.

Feminine view of the family

Women are sophisticated and romantic natures. When they get married, they are led by several illusory ideas about it as an institution of eternal love and understanding. On an emotional level, they expect from their husband constant attention and tenderness, hugs and kisses, high-quality regular sex, gratitude for delicious food and home comfort, caring for children, love for them and participation in upbringing, his desire for joint leisure, acceptance of her interests, friends and relatives. At the pragmatic level - personal and professional development, stable good earnings, protection, reliability, healthy lifestyle, general conduct of life. Dissatisfaction occurs when any natural desires and requirements do not find a response in the husband's behavioral model.

It is common for a woman to exaggerate her role in this. This is especially true for the first 10-15 years, when her main responsibilities are related to raising children and taking care of them. This is especially true for situations when a man works a lot and does not have the opportunity to share the difficulties of his wife. By the time he returns home, hoping for some privacy with a beautiful sexy hostess, she is exhausted by the hardships at work, homework with the child and the “kitchen” chores. He also spends the rest of the evening watching TV or doing simple household tasks.

At the end of this period, a woman's life is simplified - children become adults and independent, help with the housework. The social role of a man in the family remains unchanged throughout his life. Moreover, the requirements are increasing. They expect him to advance career and increase material wealth, he is responsible for the availability of comfortable housing, fashionable clothes for his wife and children, a car and annual leave. This is what is important for every woman to remember.

The role of the family in a woman's life

The Gender Revolution equalized the rights of both sexes. The fair half got the opportunity to lead an active professional and social life. Women have become more independent. Half a century ago, marriage was the prerogative of a young, intelligent and handsome person. For a modern girl, the priority development of her life path is the sequence: higher education - career - family - children. They are strong and tenacious, but they still dream of the one and only man. Only with experience do the requirements for him increase more and more, and the number of unmarried good guys decreases.

No matter how strong and independent she is, she needs a strong and reliable man with whom she could build her own cozy nest. In a harmonious union, filled with positive emotions, she blooms, becomes soft and feminine - this is how her essence inherent in nature manifests itself.

A woman is a mother. Whatever difficulties the responsibilities of motherhood entail, she can fully reveal her genetic essence by giving birth to a child and raising him.

To feel and be healthy, she needs quality, regular sex. A beloved husband is the best partner and guarantor of a stable sex life.

Love, motherhood, regular sex - these are the three fundamental reasons for a girl who encourage her to create a family union.

At the same time, it really is difficult for her to be sweet, gentle, affectionate, beautiful, caring and cheerful, bearing the responsibilities of household chores and professional achievements. The gender revolution expanded women's rights, but did not make her life easier.

Male view of the family

Men's expectations about family are less emotional and more pragmatic. Sometimes his requirements for her have a quantitative advantage. A woman should be beautiful, well-groomed and healthy. She is obliged to please friends and relatives, maintain good relations with them, be his cute companion and smart like-minded person at a party, and at home - a sexual mistress, a good housewife and an attentive mother. The husband wants to see in his wife who will also be wise, tolerant and understanding. It is this self-understanding that is the main requirement of a modern man for a woman. And this implies the acceptance of his hobbies and reasonable "vices", the absence of a fight against them on her part. He can put up with insufficiently tasty cutlets and dust on the furniture, but he, a strong representative of society, will not tolerate reproaches and suppression of his desires. However, with all the disadvantages and advantages of a modern family breadwinner, the social role of a man in the family corresponds to what he demands from his chosen one. If he accepts her inner world, then she is obliged to accept him. In case of inconsistency, you need to solve the problem, and only then move on to new requirements.

Family in a man's life

Being in an active search for a future wife, he is looking for a faithful, wise companion who will arrange their common life. Due to gender equality, he is glad to see a comprehensively developed successful girl next to him. However, he is not looking for her success, but himself next to her. The role of the family in a man's life is determined by his life priorities. A family union for him is an incentive to personal achievements, at the same time support and help on the way to them.

He should feel himself the main, the earner and the protector. She can accept her as a person, but his own will be suppressed if she is the leader.

He is pleased when there is a delicious meal and order in the house; glad when she creates a healthy atmosphere of relationships with loved ones; satisfied when praised, admired, and cared for. The husband in his wife is looking for the image of a mother and, at the same time, a reliable rear.

Her support and understanding is an important aspect of the male family outlook. When he feels and realizes them, new resources are revealed in him for the next achievements.

Subconsciously, he seeks to prolong the family, looking for a healthy candidate for the role of the mother of his children. He loves and cares about them, strives for their happy future. However, they are not the center of life. His goal is success in life, and his wife is an assistant on the path to self-realization.

He loves with his eyes. If she is good and sexy, while meeting the rest of his requirements, then he is satisfied visually and physically, which means he is happy with the marriage. Otherwise, he continues to search.

The role of a man in the family and society is determined not so much by himself as by the woman he chooses.

Standard requirements for it

The main role of a man in the family is that the responsibility for family happiness and well-being lies primarily with him. Taking into account all of the above, it is possible to formulate exactly what is required of a representative of the stronger sex in order for the institution of marriage created by him to become successful.

Traditional roles of a man (family should be considered):

1. Counselor and friend. Communication is an important part of a happy union.
2. An attentive father and a wise educator.
3. Lover, good and faithful.
4. An independent master in his home, able to fulfill not only his labor duty, but also to share the functions of a wife.
5. The guarantor of material stability and the accumulation of wealth.
6. A courteous member of her family who respects her family and friends.
7. The brain center in making general decisions is strong, reliable, sane, strong-willed, striving for development.

The traditional roles of a man imply those basic functions that he is obliged to perform when entering into marriage. It is responsibility for one's own actions, for the well-being and emotional health within the family that is an important responsibility that must be carried out by itself. Otherwise, he is not able to lead his union to the development and accumulation of benefits.

Interpersonal Roles

As already mentioned, from the point of view of a woman, the main roles of a man in a family are on the same level with interpersonal emotionally determined ones. While for him the sensual component is always secondary or becomes such after several years.

The reasons for female dissatisfaction in marriage are often lost or missing the following components of a happy union:

Attention and tenderness;

Regular communication;

Honesty;

Gratitude for home comfort;

Accepting her as a person and a member of society;

Regular leisure time together.

As practice shows, active rest together and watching movies in the evening, sharing of interests and hobbies of each other significantly bring partners together. The role of a man in the family is to accept this component of spiritual intimacy and ensure its presence in everyday life. It is important to balance the requirements for your partner and conformity to his desires.

Having regular communication takes a lot of effort. Passion for their personal affairs and problems makes both partners inattentive and callous in relation to each other, and daily communication is reduced to minimal conversations about children or relatives. It is important to be deeply interested not only in external circumstances, but also in internal experiences, to discuss thoughts, feelings, fears, desires and goals. Unfortunately, it is on the part of the stronger sex that there are no incentives for deep emotional communication. It is necessary to strive to understand each other and try to change in favor of general happiness.

Thus, the role of a man in a modern family and society is reduced to conformity to his three pillars:

1. The guarantor of material stability.
2. Companion in household chores and parenting.
3. Spiritual leader and emotional partner.

Marriage is a very complex substance. It's easy to start a family. It is difficult to ensure the happiness of both partners and their children in this union. This requires serious efforts, sometimes bordering on the infringement of their own interests. It is important to remember that one person can achieve a lot in life, but two loving partners have the opportunity to get much more in a joint well-coordinated union. But the adjustment of all his systems lies on the shoulders of the spouse. This is the main role of a man in a family.

My dear brother, seeking to tie the knot of his life, you must know that taking responsibility for your family is no easy matter. Prepare yourself in advance to strictly follow the precepts of your religion.

In the book "Mafatih al-Jinan", lines are written that have the following meaning: "Know that marriage, besides being of great benefit to a person, is the most difficult to observe the Sunnah, it has the most difficult duties to fulfill."

In this article, we will encourage you to put the frivolity of marriage aside and take it extremely seriously. Everyone should be aware of the difficulties that may await him after marriage.

FirstlyWhen creating a family, everyone thinks about what means he will provide for it, because having married, he is responsible not only for himself, but also for his spouse and children. In our time, it is very often possible to notice people who, due to despair and the need to find means of subsistence, resort to forbidden earnings, thereby bringing the first trouble to themselves and their families on the day of the Last Judgment! This should never be done!

Secondly, you must clearly understand that it will be necessary to patiently endure the capricious nature of your wife and children, in no case resorting to violence and humiliation prohibited by the Sharia!

Thirdly, this is upbringing. From the very first day of creating a family until the end of your life, you must control the behavior of your wife, and then your children, so that their actions do not contradict Sharia. You should try to gradually increase their love for Allah Almighty. Allah Almighty in the Qur'an says (meaning):

آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا

« Protect yourself and your family from fire "(Surah Tahrim, ayat 6).

The Lord has commanded us to protect our family from the fire of hell, just as we wish to protect ourselves from it. That is, protect yourself from fire, observing the instructions of Allah Almighty and moving away from His prohibitions, and protect your family by bringing up a good disposition in your household and teaching useful knowledge.

Don't let your wife and children forget about the Lord. This is one of the most dangerous situations in which you can find yourself after marriage. While you are zealous in gaining worldly well-being for your wife and children, they are committing sinful activities. Do not be the one whose heart day and night is seized by the worries of worldly welfare, the one who has forgotten about the existence of death and eternal life, because this will force you to leave this world without repentance.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said:

« The time will come when the cause of the death of a man will be his wives, parents and children, who will reproach him for poverty and demand from him what he is not capable of. give them. This will force him to resort to different (forbidden) ways (their satisfaction), which will weaken his faith, and he will die. ". (Al Khattabi)

Because of the "wrong" opinion of people close to you, you are ready to sacrifice your religion! Be persistent in following the Sharia law, do not fall for the cunning tricks of your family!

Some scholars, fearing punishment for failing to fulfill their obligations to their family, uttered the following words: “ My nafs (soul) is at a loss because of his sins, how can he be responsible for another person ?!».

There are many legends about excessive vigilance and responsibility for your family, which cannot be counted. But we must not forget that the creation of a family contains many benefits of this world and the eternal world, if you follow the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ).

This article does not call for refusing to enter into marriages, but only warns you against negligence in fulfilling obligations towards your wife and children!

information with friends!

Based on the book: “ Mafatih al-Jinan»

Prepared Khamza Nurmagomedov

Family responsibility

They say that true love, an essential relationship, is inseparable from a sense of responsibility. The one who loves, feels responsibility for a loved one, for his relationship with him, for his behavior and his attitude in life together, his own children.

Responsibility begins in the parental family. Children watch dad and mom, learn from them not only the rules, norms of behavior and relationships between family members and people in general, but also feel with their soul and heart their involvement in everything that happens "" - this proverb, in addition to many different advantages ( as well as shortcomings), also implies the responsibility and mutual responsibility of the elders and the younger, emphasizes the exactingness of oneself, as well as of the younger and older family member, to observe external, and especially internal principles. That external and, above all, internal “order”, the “law of conscience” which mother and father adhere to in their lives, becomes the property of children, their ancestral heritage, no matter how pathetic it sounds.

Important in family education is not only the ability to take responsibility, but also to delegate it, that is, to transfer it to another. There are many examples when one of the parents, or even both, take upon themselves the entire burden of being responsible and also responsible at work, in the family, in front of their parents, friends, so to speak, "are torn to pieces", "in order to have time to do everything everywhere" everyone is “worried”. Children see such parents as "driven out", always dissatisfied with life, with each other, and with them, with their sons and daughters. Such children are not given the right to make mistakes, since their right to express their will, their own opinion, and personal responsibility are not taken into account. But only then will the child feel equal in the family, willingly fulfill all sorts of family responsibilities, when he understands that anyone in the family can both support the other and transfer his powers, without remaining guilty and without burdening the other with a sense of guilt.

Mutual responsibility is one of the mechanisms of intra-family relations, where trust in another is manifested, respect for his abilities, moral life time, tolerance, tact, a sense of proportion in accounting and ensuring one's own and others' freedom.

And it is a pity for those boys and girls whose parents sacrificially took and bore their responsibility for themselves, their children, for the present and future of the whole family. Already grown-up, but irresponsible young men and women, men and women, discover a complete inability to build their lives, achieve significant success in their professional activities, establish harmonious relationships with people, with their chosen one, and later in their families, and finally, raise their own children.

Irresponsible people are really afraid of freedom, and weak-willed people avoid responsibility - these are interconnected things. Bernard Shaw put it this way: "Freedom means responsibility - that's why most people are afraid of it." By fostering responsibility in a child, parents lay the foundation for his will, which in turn contributes to the development and improvement of responsibility, the achievement of his maturity.

As B. Bardo said, “ Marriage is an agreement whose terms are reviewed and reapproved daily.". Indeed, a competently distributed responsibility in the family, taking into account the capabilities, abilities and needs of all family members, serves as a good safety rope on the bumpy path of family life. Helps to better understand each other. In a way, create an important framework in relationships that allows, on the one hand, not to lose yourself, on the other, to feel like a part of something bigger and to find their own place in this small society called the family. Unfortunately, many young people families, and even families with a decent experience, have serious problems with this. In addition, people manage to adapt to such an incoherent and uncomfortable family life. As a result, constant quarrels over "trifles", chronic fatigue, feelings of uselessness, loneliness, somatic disorders and much, much more, interfering with inner and family harmony. And then the family from a quiet haven, a reliable home front turns into a bloody battlefield, iron chains, a heap of ash and garbage.

From my professional experience, 6 categories of families can be distinguished in which responsibility is distributed in a destructive way.

1. Irresponsible (infantile) families. The concept of responsibility in such families is completely absent. Husband and wife, like little children, are looking for an adult who will tell you how to do the right thing. Spouses do not know how to draw conclusions from their mistakes, but they dance with joy on their favorite rake. They seem to go with the flow, giving all power to the circumstances, the state, God. The main problem for such people is the inability to notice their own contribution to a particular situation, both positive and negative. Because of this, it is impossible to distribute family responsibilities. Both spouses do not know what they are good at. In addition, they do not know how to negotiate like adults. The second acute problem is misunderstanding. both spouses sincerely believe that their partner is obliged to read their thoughts, guess their desires. At the same time, they themselves often have problems with understanding their own needs. So the partner is given an unbearable task - to guess what the husband (wife) wanted, despite the fact that the latter himself does not know anything about it, which in advance introduces the partner into a dead end situation. For example, a wife, having quarreled with her friend, comes home in a bad mood. She is not aware of her need to be comforted by her spouse. The husband, in turn, does not consider it necessary at all to pester his wife with questions, since does not know how to do it. As a result, a woman, feeling lonely and misunderstood, begins to break down on her husband or goes offended. The husband is offended in response, because, perhaps, he also needs affection and acceptance of his beloved. As a result, the wall of misunderstanding is growing stronger between the spouses every day, and no one can take responsibility for solving the problem that has arisen. Such families can play silent for months or even years. Stubbornly waiting for an opportunity for SOMEONE to reconcile them. It is sad if a child takes on this role! By depriving themselves of childhood, children in such families can take on the role of an adult that their parents need so much. This in the future may threaten a child with various psychosomatic disorders, as a result of an unbearable burden for a small person. If this role is assumed by someone else, for example, a grandmother, then the child learns, on the one hand, parental helplessness, and on the other, permissiveness. Problems that arise within the family, both psychological, everyday and material, are not solved by any of the spouses. The matter is left to chance, or the family expects help from outside adults (their own parents, neighbors, social services, etc.) ) RECOMMENDATIONS: - for each of the spouses to learn to be aware of their own needs and desires; - to form the ability to have a competent conversation with a partner, explaining their expectations, while hearing the needs of the other side; - to raise an adult within their own personality, and not look for him in the outside world;
2. Monopoly families. In such families, all or almost all of the responsibility rests with one of the spouses; as a result, the person who carries everything on himself constantly feels tired, undervalued and angry with his helpless partner. The latter, in turn, is tormented by a mixture of guilt and growing rage on his other half, often feels unnecessary. At the same time, a person who has assumed all the responsibility does not notice that the CAM is not ready, for some reason, to share family power. Positioning himself Atlas, he only strengthens the partner's irresponsibility and helplessness. Behind such a desire to be responsible for everything, usually, lies a great need for control and distrust of the world around them. For example, families in which the wife does everything: she earns money and brings up children (the husband, by the way, including. He is her oldest child. ), and solves everyday issues, and my husband is so careless on the couch, buried in a laptop. At first glance, it may seem that a man is well settled, like cheese rolls in butter: he lives on everything ready, his wife is responsible for everything. But let's not forget that someone who is not responsible for anything is deprived of any healthy power and has no right to vote. Men in such families do not feel truly needed and fulfilled as husband and father. He lives on everything ready, but the price for this is the lack of affection, respect and recognition from his wife, as well as the constant discontent and devaluation of a tired woman. RECOMMENDATIONS: - The spouse, who takes all responsibility for himself, should learn to rely on his partner; - the other spouse should get rid of his helplessness, by returning faith in himself; - the former should learn to reduce his control, the latter should not be led by provocations and competently defend his borders. For example, a wife tries to control how well her husband nails the baseboard, and instead of getting angry and giving up what he has begun, he points to his boundaries to his wife: "Get out of the room! Your comments make me angry and distract! You will come in when I finish!"
3. Dependent families.Families in which responsibility is like a ball being thrown to each other. This category of families is similar to the category of irresponsible families in that no one wants to take responsibility, but unlike the first, here the spouses shift it purposefully onto each other. For example, I don’t clean the house because you do not earn much money, and thoughts about money prevent me from doing my direct duties! Or, I pay little attention to the child, because you interfere with our relationship! In a more global sense, a woman, for example, may not accept responsibility for her inadequacy in the profession, claiming that she would have achieved a lot if her husband let her go to work. Or an alcoholic husband may claim that he drinks because the family does not understand him. The responsibility can also be shifted to the child. Classic, "I devoted my whole life to you, and you! Ungrateful!" Here we are talking about more serious and destructive psychological games. The lack of a competent framework within the family leads to addictive relationships. RECOMMENDATIONS: - To learn to spouses to take responsibility for their own thoughts, actions, desires; - not to take responsibility for the thoughts, desires, actions of their partner;
4. Families in which responsibility is taken regardless of gender... In such families, a woman takes on male responsibilities and a man takes on female responsibilities. On the one hand, I don't see anything wrong with this, if it is due to either a time period, or the partners sincerely agreed on such a distribution and value and respect each other, feel gratitude for the contribution that each of them makes to the development of the family. But my professional experience shows that often spouses, outwardly agreeing to exchange role responsibilities, deeply inside feel dissatisfaction and are angry at each other for it. Performing, for a long time, the duties of the opposite sex, people begin to feel hunger in the realization of their female / male part, or begin to lose respect or interest in their partner. For example, a housewife husband may begin to experience a natural male need for the manifestation of such qualities as purposefulness, decisiveness, competitiveness, but cannot fully apply them in domestic conditions. As a result, the man begins to envy his wife and get angry with her for the fact that she has more opportunities for the manifestation of these qualities. Or, the wife may have a need for the realization of female energy, which is difficult to show if you are constantly faced with male tasks. RECOMMENDATIONS: - If one of the spouses has a feeling of their own unfulfillment or begins to burden their responsibilities, immediately talk about it with your partner; - Look for ways to realize your female / male part within the family, in addition to fulfilling the responsibilities that the partner has assumed; - Reconsider distribution of duties. For example, the wife might cook on holidays or weekends, and the husband might take a part-time job;
5. Competing families.In such families, there is a constant struggle for responsibility, or rather for power in the family. For example, a husband and wife begin to compete over who earns more money, or who is raising a child better. As a result, responsibility belongs, as it were, to everyone and to no one at the same time! Children in such families, taking advantage of the inconsistency in the upbringing of their parents, grow up prone to arbitrariness, on the one hand. On the other hand, opposite messages from parents traumatize the child, contaminating with guilt. Plus, being the object of parental competition, he does not receive such an important feeling of being loved and needed, which undermines the child's trust in the world around him. RECOMMENDATIONS: - Learn to negotiate; - Look for pleasure and emotions not only in struggle, but also in spiritual unity;
6. Responsibility is distributed without taking into account the desires, needs, abilities and personal qualities of each or one of the spouses. For example, the husband, by default, has to pick up the child from school. This does not take into account either his work schedule or his current state of health. Or the wife takes care of the family budget, but emotionally does not pull this role. She does a poor job with this responsibility, but for some reason does not want to share this burden with her husband. Often such a need arises due to the inability to negotiate with each other, or if one of the spouses has problems accepting support. Such people resemble obedient children who are used to being comfortable and cannot say the word "no". RECOMMENDATIONS: - to form the skill of a competent conversation with a partner, explaining their desires, while hearing the needs of the other party; - on the basis of such conversations, redistribute responsibilities, or share responsibility; - make responsibilities more flexible. For example, if the wife is tired and not feeling well, the husband can cook dinner himself. In conclusion, I want to say that in order to competently, with benefit and comfort for all family members, to distribute responsibility, it is necessary to be able to talk with each other. And that means HEARING another person! Understand your needs and interests, and communicate to your partner. Be able to negotiate! Compromise! And most importantly, to risk building a CLOSE relationship! And this is the ability to open up, and the ability to trust, and the willingness to accept your loved one, and not try to change to please your desires.