I'm afraid of relationships: causes and solutions to problems with the opposite sex. Coping with relationship anxiety

20.05.2019

You can be alone for years, take your free time with work, friends or casual relationships, and run away from a serious relationship like from fire, explaining "it did not work out" and "I am not ready yet." Not everyone is aware of their fear, which means they cannot fight it ..

Fear of being addicted... Raise your hands, those whose parents can be called a happy couple? Fine. And now those who want their family relationship to be like parenting? Those who answered positively to both questions do not need to read further, the rest will have to stay. "Do it if you love me!" - we all heard this, and maybe even said it ourselves. "Yes, he drinks, but how can I throw him, where is he without me?" He depends on alcohol, and she depends on the image of the “savior”. "I spent my life on you, ungrateful!" Saviors, as a rule, are also victims of manipulators. I always want to clarify: did someone ask you to waste your life and save? So it turns out that the memory of the atmosphere of manipulation and pressure does not rush to want to go back.

What does it do? Of the latest jokes on this topic, the following is popular: many of us are raised by a same-sex couple - mom and grandmother. Historically, women have had to take on male roles. Families were started not only out of love, but because there is no other way to survive, or "the child needs a man's upbringing." Our generation inherits this "benefit" is not always justified. The girl is afraid of relationships, because she unconsciously experiences someone else's, almost primal fear.

How to fight? At least two always "play" addiction. Codependency works until someone decides "no, I don't want that." But first, you must at least admit - "yes, I'm afraid of relationships."

Psychologist's comment:“Such people really strive to avoid repeating the parental scenario and build the opposite one, which also does not lead to healthy, intimate relationships. Fear interferes with intimacy, but there will always be a small share of dependence on a partner in it. It is important not just to deny an unpleasant scheme, but to build your own, relying on yourself and your partner. Then you can choose what you take and what you don’t use in your relationship. ”

Fear of losing yourself... “I’m afraid of a relationship because I can’t live without her,” something similar can be heard from someone who starts a romance. “You are my life” - so say lovers, confessing their feelings. “She left, and everything lost its meaning,” say those who have lost love. How is it that the whole world and meaning is focused on one person? Some lovers walk together like lovebirds, always together. Such close ties are intimidating to many.

What does it do? Almost all love lyrics are built on how wonderful it is to find the other half and find peace in one person. Maybe it's not bad - for once to give the remote control from your life to another, loving person? The attitude “I'm afraid of a serious relationship, so as not to lose myself” is the fear of change, which is part of life itself.

How to fight? Any relationship can change us, it can be taken as an axiom. The only question is which changes we give the green light to and which we prohibit.

Psychologist's comment:“People who have seen such relationships in the family or close environment are also afraid to dissolve in a partner. Proximity implies a merger, but for a short time. For the relationship to be healthy, partners need to address themselves, to their needs, so that then again there will be an opportunity to return to the common space. "

Fear of disappointment. There is such happiness that you should know, look, where is the catch. Marvelous ideals from movies and books are far from real life. Hollywood movie characters don't sweat, wake up with perfect makeup and hair, and don't snore in the bedroom. The heroine of the "Twilight" saga chose a vampire as her lover (just feed, it doesn't prick with bristles).

What does it do? Ideals encourage us to be better than we are, to work on ourselves. They are unattainable, but in striving for them we become more perfect.

How to fight? For the knight, the Beautiful Lady, to whom he dedicated feats, sonnets and slaying dragons, and the wife who organized all this, are different women. We raise children with one, and admire the other from afar - a pretty typical picture for a man. To be happily married, you don't always have to marry a prince.

Psychologist's comment:“During the period of falling in love, people cannot but idealize their partner, this is characteristic of the stage. Falling in love turns into love when partners begin to see a real person in front of them, with pluses and minuses, with virtues and vices, and still choose the opportunity to stay with him. The fear of disappointment suggests that we are in the clouds - we do not notice reality, we do not want to admit the truth of life: any, even a very nice person, has a shadow side. "

Fear of responsibility. A popular fear among both boys and girls. “I'm not ready for a serious relationship,” say the “young men”, not embarrassed by their “about thirty”. "What a" marriage ", I have not walked up yet!" - their friends echo them. Relationships without commitment are very popular.

What does it do? This is the sweet word "freedom"! The ability to walk all night, knowing that no one is waiting at home or worried. Choose from an infinite number of options, rather than dwell on just one.

How to fight? Obligations are burdensome, since they are associated with the infringement of oneself and one's own personality. If you figure out why fulfilling someone's requests seems insanely difficult, you can remove this "burden" and enter new relationships with enthusiasm.

Many girls already from grade 5 dream of relationships with the opposite sex. But there are those who don't treat guys too well. Many consider any relationship to be vulgar, stupid or abomination. Many ladies openly declare that they are afraid of a relationship with a guy. It's hard to get out of this situation. But you have to do something. Otherwise, you will be alone all your life. And your fear will destroy your future.

I'm afraid of relationships with guys at the age of 14 and 15

At this age, this fear is more of a norm than a problem. Until recently, you yourself were a "guy", and you did not care about anything except lessons and cats. And here it is !!!

Therefore, you just need to listen to your heart. If you want to date someone, then date. If not, then you shouldn't.

What about fear? So let him live on his own. Just don't ask him for advice.

Remember that everything in this life happens for the first time. And if you have not had a relationship before, this does not mean that everything will go badly. Most girls start dating young people at this age. And they are all satisfied.

I'm afraid of relationships at 20 and 23 years old

This is already a more serious problem. After all, the more you push guys away from you, the more difficult it will be for you. As a result, there is a risk of marrying just anyone and ruining your life.

Look around. Even 13-year-olds meet with guys. Why should you be afraid of an adult woman here?

Remember, there is no truth without mistakes. Don't be afraid to sleep or kiss someone. After all, the princes do not come across the first time.

And don't listen to your parents. Of particular danger are those mothers who talk about weddings and virginity. It is because of them that the old maidens are born.

I'm afraid of relationships in terms of sex

"I would love to date a guy, but I'm afraid that he will ask to see a pussy." This is familiar to you. This means that you have a typical phobia of sexual relations.

In this case, it is worth understanding that:

If you feel the need for sex, then it is not a sin or a crime;
Your vagina is not a spaceship. It is made for sex. Don't idealize him;
Go down to Earth. You are an ordinary girl. He's an ordinary guy. Sex between you is the norm;
It doesn't hurt (like a mosquito bite). Sex would be bad. They wouldn't do it;
There will be no consequences. Do not be afraid of illness and pregnancy. Protect yourself and forward.

But this does not mean that “giving” should be done to everyone. Fear of sex is only dangerous when it spoils your relationship with your loved one. In other situations, she can help.

The reasons for your fears

Before giving a celibate dinner, you need to understand where it all came from. You may be afraid to be in a relationship with your boyfriend because of:

Mom's sad experience;
Various silly tales;
Neurosis, stress (quite often);
Megalomania (they are all lower beings);
Super shyness.

Find the root of the problem and solve it. Start with calmness and discretion. If you start thinking with your head, then all the difficulties will smooth out a little.

It's important to remember that all girls date guys. It’s not bad, it’s not scary, and it’s not bad. The main thing is that everything is within the bounds of decency. Then no one will tell you anything, and you will be happy.

Many guys think that women want to build relationships faster and get married. This is partly true, but at the same time, some ask for some time to think about the friendship proposal. Therefore, many men have the opposite problem - the chosen one is hiding from him and he does not know how to weigh himself when a girl is afraid of a relationship. Let's try to understand the situation.

Where does fear come from?

There are many reasons, but they are usually the same:

She is afraid of public reaction if questionable stories are told about you or your wrong lifestyle is discussed, for example. This does not mean that the girl thinks like everyone else, perhaps she even agrees with you. But women usually what people say is important;
Fear of being deceived, abandoned. Now she is alone and used to living like that. But perhaps your chosen one already had a bitter experience or she saw how her parents had a painful divorce. Then the girl subconsciously fears that a similar story will happen to her;
If you are the first, this is natural fear. It's always hard to do something for the first time;
Her upbringing hinders her. She has been brought up since childhood by her parents, who inspired her that it is possible to communicate with young people only with their blessing and under personal control. And you are not on the list of selected suitors. She may not mind, she just does not dare to violate the ban.

It would be wrong to take offense at your beloved in this situation. A lot of guys start to get angry, like, “ Am I no match for you? Then it's clear why you turn your nose away". This is a common mistake guys make, so you just confirm her doubts and she will retire a respectful distance.

What if a girl is afraid of a relationship?

Now you need analyze her behavior, try to understand it and work out a certain strategy:

First of all be patient, it is essential for success in any business. If you act hastily, burn out;
Believe in yourself... This is perhaps the most important point. You will begin to doubt the success of you, then what to do with your beloved. And when she sees your firm deeds, hears confident arguments, she probably will not be able to resist. After all, a woman is so arranged from the beginning that she follows a stronger and more confident man;
Be sympathetic to the situation... You don't need to confidently grab her hand and drag her out on a date. Show that you have gotten into the position, appreciated it, and are willing to compromise. You need to learn to communicate, that is, listen to her and ask;
And be sure to be honest. Suddenly, the problem lies in deception, and here you come across petty lies. Anything happens, sometimes we are in the little things, without knowing why.

Clearly formulate for yourself why this is needed, otherwise nothing will work. You can find another girl, many more suitable options.

Common mistakes guys make

But this does not mean that a guy should completely indulge his girlfriend's whims. Some guys are so worried about women's uncertainty that they allow themselves to be manipulated to the fullest.

If you see that she is flirting with the guys and is not at all worried about what is happening between you - think about it. Some girls keep such admirers in reserve. Now she will try to walk with different ones, and if she does not grow together, she will come to you out of boredom.

Therefore, do not get excited and do not rush, but do not let yourself be offended. Can't decide, but doesn't let go - forget about her.

Why am I afraid of a relationship with a guy?

Many representatives of the weaker half are actually afraid of close contacts. She wants to date, and they like this guy, but still the girl is afraid of a relationship with him. This is an internal conflict that prevents you from communicating normally. Why does this happen?

This usually happens as a result of great disappointment, after an unsuccessful connection with a previous partner. The woman laid out there with full force - abandoned her friends and affairs, refused any entertainment and hobbies. She did everything, but he did not appreciate it. And it became clear to her that people can just use her feelings.

From this there was a fear that sometimes persists for life. Fear of living someone else's life, forgetting about your own, and not receiving due gratitude in return. Fear that, having become attached to a person, you can then find yourself out of work.

But fears must be fought, otherwise nothing will be achieved in life. And if this happened to a woman, she now can't trust the guy he likes, she needs to understand that people are different and each man has his own views.

And it would also be nice for young people to communicate in such a situation, tell the girl about the worries that torment her, and the guy understand them and help overcome them.

What are men afraid of in relationships with women?

It's not just girls who get scared. Boys have their stumbling blocks. They are also afraid of a lot:

Tears- often, when a friend cries, the guy experiences hellish torment. Especially if the beloved does it quietly, without explaining the reasons. Tears are the most terrible female weapon, but they must be used skillfully. If you turn into a regular hysterics, you will be left alone;
Silence... After tears, this is the second powerful factor. When a woman is silent, the man begins to wind himself up and try to understand the reasons for her silence. He does not understand what is happening, and everything incomprehensible annoys them greatly;
There is an opinion that it is easy for guys to get acquainted with representatives of the opposite sex. But this is not the case. Often they are shy to the point of disgrace and no less than a girl. do not want to be rejected;
Beautiful women... This is a phenomenon, but many guys bypass the admittedly ideal girls. They can dream about her, look and sigh, but hesitate to communicate. They are afraid of inconsistency with her ideal and fall into a stupor.

As you can see, men have no less prejudice in their heads when it comes to serious things. You should know about them if you want to understand and accept the young man you like.

So, we found out that not only the girl is afraid of the relationship, but also the man experiences some discomfort. People are the same in their fears, which means that you can understand your partner's indecision, and this is the main thing on the way to strong friendship and relationships.

Video: why are girls afraid of this?

In this video, psychologist Yulia Voevodina will talk about the most common reasons why girls are afraid to start new relationships with guys, tell you how to solve their problem:

Relationship anxiety is one of the psychological problems associated with establishing trust and attachment. A person is so arranged that he simply cannot be happy alone. We all need to feel needed and needed. Success with the opposite sex instills in us a sense of self-confidence, satisfaction and joy. A new relationship is always an opportunity to look at yourself from a different perspective. However, not all people readily accept new relationships. Most often, they are driven by the fear of losing everything.

Fear of relationships with men

Relationship fear is manifested in both sexes. However, women tend to dramatize the situation more. It is for this reason that they often have a fear of close relationships with men. Serious relationships cannot be built without trust, without the ability to forget your doubts. Any new relationship plunges such representatives of the fair sex into despondency and depression. What causes relationship fear? Does a serious relationship need to work on itself?

Fear of repeating the experience

Fear of relationships with men often grows out of negative experiences. If in the past a woman was constantly faced with disappointment, then she will look to the future with apprehension. No one wants to experience the negative echoes of the past over and over again. Deception, betrayal - any person seeks to avoid this at any cost. No serious relationship is possible without overcoming painful situations, working through disturbing moments. The fear of repeating previous experiences with men creates additional fear and can subsequently create serious problems. The fear is often so strong that it does not allow even timid steps to be taken in the direction of the desired.

Fear of losing yourself

Any serious relationship implies that people need to learn to take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for their soul mate. A new relationship is always a risk that you will have to dissolve in a partner. The needs of a loved one, most people cannot leave indifferent. Complications may arise at this stage. There is an additional fear of losing oneself, of losing individual space. Women who value personal freedom above all are reluctant to enter into relationships with men precisely because they experience a tremendous fear of losing control of the situation.

Fear of disappointment

Who among us is not mistaken in life? Fear of relationships often translates into fear of serious disappointment. Many women have negative experiences of frustration when she has to overcome herself and crush a tender sense of affection. It is the presence of this fear that prevents from building harmonious new relationships in the future. Obsessive fear develops after one or two disappointments, and defeating it is not as easy as it seems at first glance. Serious obstacles to happiness can arise when the fear grows to impressive proportions.

Fear of responsibility

Often, the formation of new relationships is hampered by the fear of taking responsibility for someone else's fate and well-being. People are so used to living in their own separate world that they do not want to once again commit themselves to any obligations. After all, it is much easier to live only for yourself, in accordance with personal needs and requirements. The fear of responsibility greatly interferes with the establishment of normal harmonious relationships, creates serious difficulties on the path to happiness.

Fear of rejection

Most often, a woman's serious relationship is hindered by fear of rejection. Unfortunately, unrequited feelings tend to be and happen with a certain frequency. Such experiences often lead to the creation of psychological barriers. Many people stop trusting life and see a reason to be wary in any serious relationship. The reason for thinking should be a situation when unhappy love is repeated from time to time, and there is no hope of improvement. Fear of rejection is a serious reason that prevents you from building a sincere and lasting relationship.

How to deal with relationship fear

Any phobias must be dealt with. Only then will they cease to have a significant impact on our lives. How to overcome fear of personal relationships? Let's try to figure it out!

Recognizing your imperfection

None of us are perfect. Each person has their own specific circumstances, which from time to time prevail over them. It makes absolutely no sense to blame yourself for all the troubles that have occurred. No matter how hard you try to change the past, it will remain unchanged. When thinking about how to overcome the fear of serious relationships, you should not forget about your own inner strength. Recognizing your imperfection will help you overcome your fear of a new relationship. Just accept the fact that you are someone who strives for happiness, but you don't have to blame yourself for every mistake. When we accept ourselves, it becomes easier to build a relationship with a loved one. By giving up judgment and resentment, we begin to appreciate ourselves and our soul mate.

Willingness to work on relationships

Finally, take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life! There is nothing worse than constantly living on the memories of the past, because it cannot be changed. Only the present moment can be corrected. Only today is a truly unique opportunity for self-change. If you have someone who is really dear to you, accept interaction with him as a task that needs to be solved for a certain amount of time. Willingness to work on relationships is expressed in the formation of tolerance, sensitivity, responsiveness. Real feelings are always sincere, they have no place for deception and falsehood.

Take action

Only action can change your life for the better. There is no point in reveling in your negative experience, no matter how significant and unique it may seem. This behavior will not lead to anything good. Define your benefits, start from scratch. Allow yourself to be delusional and make mistakes. Most importantly, do not give up and do not demand the impossible from yourself. You do not need to immediately become attached to the person with whom fate brings you. If you give yourself the time you need, you can understand whether your destiny is really in front of you or not.

Thus, fear is a serious obstacle to the creation of sincere and harmonious relationships. Only fruitful work on yourself will eliminate the syndrome of a repetitive situation and help you get closer to creating true happiness.

Are there really still girls for whom a serious relationship with a guy is something catastrophic? It seems that nature has foreseen everything as it should - the period of maturation, craving for the opposite sex, the desire to love and be loved. But in the problem of fear of serious and close relationships, it is not nature that is to blame, but psychology. So how can you suppress this phobia in yourself and start taking seriously your personal life?

When you need to look for the cause in childhood

Your first feelings for a boy

Your first girlish love was naive and pure. It is clear that you were in love with some young boy who also had zero experience in love. It didn't even occur to you to start a relationship with him, because you passionately hid her feelings from him.

If he laughed at you or ignored you, and therefore you are afraid of other relationships, then the article will help you. Perhaps your feelings are still great, they do not let you go, and therefore an affair with another person is still out of the question. But this is a matter of time. You're just very young.

Unhappy love of a loved one

Does your older sister suffer from "goat men" and you yourself absorb her hatred of them? It seems like there is someone to look up to - she is already an adult woman, she has experience. But as soon as she begins to build a new relationship, she will definitely come across a scoundrel.

The fact is that you look at all situations with her eyes. But apparently she is still that bitch in relation to men, and no one can stay with her for a long time. These are not men so bad, this is her unbearable character. You just love her as a dear and feel sorry for her.

Stamps about the first intimate relationship

The more terrible the horror stories, the more courageous and boldly the storyteller presents herself. Look what she went through! But after all, every woman goes through this, and by no means through a surgical room, but on the night of love!

So that you are not so scared, then read it, and you will understand that there is nothing terrible in this. Therefore, if you start a serious romance with someone and mature before the first sex, then be sure - everything will happen by itself, easily and almost painlessly.

In general, you knock this crap out of your head - the fear of relationships with men. Much, very much depends on you and your character. All your mistakes will be the accumulation of experience, next time you will try not to step on the same rake.

And love with a man is really beautiful, it brings great pleasure and positive emotions. You just need to meet your man - the one and only! And which one suits you - read the article. Therefore, do not be afraid of anything and do not repeat your own and others' mistakes!

Finally - an unusual technique

Let's do a thought experiment.

Imagine that you have the super ability to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: she looked at a man - and immediately you know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article right now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any relationship problems at all.

And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you will not read other people's thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.

We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her method has helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.

If interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 places specifically for visitors to our site.