Skills and work ("I'm not valued"). What to do if you are not appreciated at work? When not appreciated at work

Do you want a higher salary but are embarrassed to ask? That time is not right, that is embarrassing - you have just been praised. That again is not the time: it seems like they are about to raise it, and everything will happen by itself. As soon as you work up the courage to step up and ask for a raise, something happens that prevents you from doing so.

Familiar? Then we have two news for you. Good - they value you and try to keep you. And the bad one is that they try to keep you with small means, rewarding you with “delicious” instead of just raising your salary. What can pass for "delicious" in the company?

The boss comes to you on any more or less significant occasion and asks confidentially: “Well, what do you think about this? Do you think that would be better?" Establishing rapport is a powerful tool in the hands of a boss. Many literally melt from such an honor and are ready to endure any working conditions just because “my boss and I are great friends.” Therefore, excessive and sudden confidence is an occasion to think about it.

However, it also happens differently. A sensible boss, as a rule, establishes trusting relationships with all significant employees, regardless of the increase in salary. This increases motivation at work, and also makes the employee understand his value to the company.

2. Give difficult and interesting work

Money and a career aren't everything, right? The real "star" of the company strives to develop and learn, because professional development is possible only through learning new things. And if this is not possible at the current place, the “star” will readily fly away to where it is more interesting and difficult.

Therefore, if you are entrusted with new interesting projects that require education and preparation, where you will have to work with something that you have never worked with before, congratulations. With a high probability they are trying to keep you in your place. A smart boss, before handing over a new task, also makes it clear that you, starting work at a new level, will gain great value both for the company and in the labor market. And after graduation, you may be waiting for a promotion ... or maybe not to wait.

This technique works especially well for young professionals who are in a hurry to learn all the basics of work as quickly as possible and are ready to plow and plow. This is not to say that this is a dishonest technique. But the increase will have to wait.

3. Forced to master a new area

As soon as a person in his position has done everything he could, mastered everything he could and earned everything he could, he will definitely get ready to leave. To prevent this from happening, some bosses change the area of ​​work of their subordinates once in a certain time. It is important that a change in the field of activity greatly increases motivation. And money, promotion - they are no longer so important when it is interesting to work.

4. Draw a monogram on a business card

If at some point gilded business cards appeared on your desk or your position began to be called very ornately (for example, senior director of the western sector of the warehouse), then this is a reason to be wary.

If you want, of course: many have a beautiful position and expensive business cards lull vigilance, like a gentle lullaby. It happens that only a promotion on a business card can keep a good employee. A very effective technique for workers under 35: ambitious and without a family. After this age, people burdened with family and responsibility prefer a real position and more money.

5. Promise stability

Stability is a technique for older specialists. Such people already have a mortgage, a car, children. For them, the main thing is a stable salary and a safe job. If they suddenly start telling you how reliable the company you work for is, that it has Western investors, as well as an extremely cautious and thoughtful policy, this is a call to the fact that you are being watched.

Why not just raise wages?

Sometimes non-material incentives cost the owner of the company more than a simple increase in salary would cost. This also applies to trainings and new projects that are trusted by employees. But still, to increase loyalty, the company chooses non-material methods. This is because, in fact, it has long been known that money is not a motivator (however, in some cases it is, but temporary). Not for people who have few of them, nor for those who have them in abundance.

For any person, the incentive to do their job well in a particular place is development, praise, and that the result is appreciated. Therefore, from the point of view of the company, if a specialist simply increases his salary or is promoted, this will not add much motivation and interest in work.

So if you really need a raise and nothing else, then go and ask directly, without embarrassing anyone and not paying attention to the rain of gifts. This is the only way to find out if you are really appreciated or just saving on you.

The situation when you put all of yourself into work, but no one notices it, deprives you of any inspiration for work. This behavior of the authorities is common in the Russian labor market. Even if you are a valuable employee in practice, but do not publicly declare your value, few people will appreciate you. Many, however, generally prefer not to voice their achievements in front of colleagues and superiors - they say, only boastful upstarts do this. How and to whom to tell about yourself, so that they begin to truly appreciate you? And, perhaps, it is time to change the place of employment, if nothing changes?! Careerist.ru studied the practice of Harvard Business Review experts and now shares it with its readers.

“The main thing is self-promotion”

Writer and professor at the University of Pennsylvania Annie McKee, in her book How to Be Happy at Work, argues that there is nothing worse than being invisible at work. We all want to be noticed and appreciated, so if achievements go unnoticed by colleagues, the employee will probably lose team spirit, he will actually cease to feel like a part of the team. Parallel to this, there is anxiety for their future, for their career. Obviously, a person in such conditions loses confidence in his abilities, confidence in his own needs and prospects.

However, according to writer and HBR expert Karen Dillon, anyone can change everything. In her practice, there were many situations when she managed to get a “feedback” from people, they began to see and understand the value of what Karen was doing. In her opinion, the most important thing is to find the correct version of self-promotion when you praise yourself in such a way that no one perceives you as a braggart. Here are some recommendations from experts.

Really appreciate the potential

Before you do anything, give an adequate assessment of the realism of your expectations. How realistic is it that your superiors, colleagues and other employees are ready to recognize your achievements. As Annie McKee says, being busy in the office is a daily occurrence, so the feedback from colleagues may not be as dramatic as you might expect. Even with excellent attitude and excellent corporate mood others may not notice your work, taking it for granted.

Given this, if you suddenly have a feeling that your work has been underestimated, first try to evaluate your latest achievements yourself, it is important that this be objective. Answer yourself: why was your work and its results more valuable than the work and results of your colleagues? Having given a really objective assessment, answer yourself one more question: how adequate would it be to ask for a salary increase or a promotion for the achievements that were the result of your work? If there is no certainty in the answers, consult with colleagues you respect.

Go to the boss

If the efforts do not bring any result at all, Karen Dillon advises trying to communicate with the manager. Of course, in our practice there have been good and sensible bosses, but this is rather an exception to the rule. Much more often, managers do not take into account the needs of the staff at all, treating them exclusively as a professional labor unit. Such people need a special approach: you should not start your conversation with the words that you need recognition. According to McKee, you need to ask your boss for advice, asking him to figure out what has been positive in your work lately, and what else you need to continue to work hard on.

Of course, you need to come to such a conversation prepared. You can even write a list of your latest achievements, which will not only not forget about them, but also emphasize how important you are to the company / department / service. Bosses like to see the results of work visually, so the list of achievements will come in handy. Unless, of course, they are real.

Be a visible team

If you are a team player, according to Dillon, you need to do everything to make your team stand out in the team - colleagues need to understand what you do and why it is so important. In addition, tell your superiors about this: the leader must know what the team is doing, what intermediate successes it has, and what efforts you are making together to make these successes permanent. Perhaps it is worth notifying the authorities through a detailed report or even a small presentation at a meeting or operative. McKee, in turn, draws attention to the fact that such a report should contain the names of all members of the team or project. It might even be worth listing them on every page.

The main goal is that your activity should be visible not only to your superiors (which, of course, is most important), but also to your colleagues. At the same time, if only you received praise, try to distribute it among all participants, but at the same time not downplaying your role in achieving the goal. We must not forget to mention ourselves in the overall success, excessive modesty in this case is useless.

Praise others

Paradoxically, according to McKee, the best way to make your work visible is to praise the work of everyone else in the office. Being the most active colleague and noticing positive changes in the work of the office, you run the risk of becoming a real “change agent”. Be sure that in the overwhelming majority of cases your colleagues will answer you with mutual praise, appreciating your work as well. If your manager does not have the habit of praising employees - no problem, create an atmosphere of optimism yourself, single-handedly supporting colleagues.

The fact is that our world is so dynamic that everything we produce today may become obsolete tomorrow. Therefore, as McKee points out, it is important not only to achieve your own recognition, but also to support colleagues in their, albeit small, but still achievements. Perhaps tomorrow it will no longer be relevant. True, it is also not worth abusing laudatory reviews - this can soon significantly reduce their value.

Motivate yourself from within

Praise and positive assessments from colleagues is certainly great. But in order to maintain one's own motivation, all this is not enough - interest in one's own work is built not only on recognition and universal gratitude. According to Dillon, a true professional must find internal motivators for himself, meaning in his own work. As you grow older, external stimuli and praise from others will lose their significance, so satisfaction in the results of your own work must come from within.

First, evaluate your own work yourself - no one else but you will be able to discover all the delights of a job well done. Secondly, finally start praising yourself. To do this, spend time for “creative reflection”: what went well this week, what were the problems, what still needs to be worked on. At the same time, focus on positive results - collect a collection of your own victories.

Move on

If, despite all your attempts, the feeling of your own underestimation has not disappeared, this is probably a sign that it is time for you to change jobs. Our practice confirms this - a lot of people continue to stay at work, which is in one way or another less than ideal for a particular employee. There are objective reasons for this: some are trying to gain more experience, others are afraid of change and underestimate their own potential, and still others are sure that everything will work out “from Monday” or “after the holidays”, it is important to be patient a little more. However, if you really did everything that depended on you, but the work did not bring satisfaction or the desired recognition, it's probably time to look for a new employer.

Summarizing all of the above, we note that if you are underestimated, you need to:

• Adequately assess their capabilities and expectations;
• Talk about this with the boss;
• Try to praise your team members and other colleagues as often as possible;
• Do not forget about your own self-esteem and find time to praise yourself;
• Look for other forms of motivation than third-party praise;
• Think about whether it is worth staying to work in a company where you are underestimated.

The family union of any marriage begins with feelings called love. At the same time, not all partners remember that respect becomes a strong foundation for a family hearth. After all, feelings will change their strength of manifestation, go through global transformations, and respect will remain the unshakable basis for preserving love.

A frequent complaint of the female half of the audience to their companions is the question of what to do if the husband does not respect and does not appreciate his wife, how to behave, what advice from a psychologist? Is such an assumption valid for every declared phrase: "he does not respect me"? It is worth lifting the curtain and seeing what the scenery of disrespect is hiding in.

A man usually loves women whom he respects; a woman usually respects only the men she loves. Therefore, a man often loves women who are not worth loving, and a woman often respects men who are not worth respecting.
Vasily Osipovich Klyuchevsky

False feeling of disrespect

Respect is the acceptance of personality traits, character traits, values, opinions and actions of another person as significant and important. Only in this case is it permissible to assert that the partner appreciates his other half.

The origins of female disappointment in men are in their own unjustified expectations. Both partners expect specific behavior that will be in tune with personal ideas about living together.

It is good when these representations are adequate and do not border on fantasy. When the expectations are not realistic, then the problem is rooted in the girl's overstated claims, rather than in the disrespectful attitude of the "offender".

I want to feel special, but my husband does not respect and does not appreciate ...

False female expectations entail a subjective feeling of disrespect, including:

• Utopian expectations of a fairy tale and obsession with romance.
  A man will not carry, serve breakfast in bed and cover the bed with rose petals. Not all male souls are so sensual, besides, the period of falling in love passes, and the production of endorphin and oxytocin (“hormones of love”) decreases.
• Expectation of constant joint pastime.
  Male nature is laid down that the spouse is a predator and earner for his own. Likening an obedient pet is contrary to natural instincts.
• Expecting eloquent praise and compliments.
  On the contrary, they are “silent” because they are guided by the predominant left hemisphere, therefore they analyze and reflect more than they speak.
• Expectation of the predominance of affection and tenderness over sexual interests.
  Male sexuality is more intolerable due to physiological characteristics and the basic need for sex.
• Expecting attentiveness to personal family dates, small things and details.
  Here the point is in the features of the functioning of higher nervous activity. Guys think concretely, practically, globally. If the birthday of a loved one is important in which month, and the number itself will approach.
• The expectation of dividing the responsibilities of raising children equally.
  It seemed like a legitimate request. But the father is focused on the financial and practical side of providing comfortable housing, decent education, leisure, recreation and other benefits.

In the event that such a list is a pocket notebook of claims "for every day", the wife needs to reconsider her level of claims and make it realistic.

Causes of true manifestations of disrespect of a husband to his wife

True manifestations, when it can be said with certainty that husband does not respect and does not appreciate his wife are considered:

1. authoritarian behavior.
2. Criticism, constant control.
3. Rejection of the needs and desires of the wife.
4. Lack of interest in the problems and life of the spouse in general.
5. Lack of assistance, rejection of the right to rest and free leisure.
6. Infringement of material and financial resources.
7. Insults, rude communication and the use of psychological, physical or sexual violence.
8. Sexual betrayal ().

In such manifestations, the husband really does not respect and does not appreciate his wife, the origins of such deformations of family values ​​are ambiguous.

Reasons for a husband not respecting his wife:

1. A recaptured model of behavior from the parental family.
2. Mimicking the style of communication in the family of someone who is an authority for him.
3. Children's psychological trauma.
4. Pronounced character accentuations (negative personality traits that are on the verge of norm and pathology), egocentrism.
5. Devaluation and disrespectful attitude of the wife.

Based on the reasons for the violation of harmonious communication within the family, ways of getting rid of the problem are chosen. However, the resolution of the first four reasons is in the competence of specialists, but not the spouse. If the situation becomes critical and unfavorable for the psychological and physical health of the wife and children, the key to resolution is divorce.

We will devote a separate paragraph to the last reason, the most common one.

If a husband does not appreciate his wife: “show attention and respect for him,” psychologists recommend.

The main recommendations of a psychologist on what to do if a husband does not respect his wife may surprise the female audience. In order for a man to appreciate his wife, it is enough for him to demonstrate an alternative respectful attitude towards him. In this case, the mirror reflection technique works: “you shout at me - and I shout, you respect me - I respect you.”

How to Deal with a Husband Who Doesn't Respect His Wife: Basic Tips

1. Accept the power of a man as the dominant one in the family, his authority and leadership.
   Both spouses can claim leadership status. But in men, the need to dominate is historically laid down, and if a man strives to be the leader, he will not give in and will resist his wife.
2. Communicate respectfully without shouting and insults, from a position of equality.
   The priceless quality of a woman is calmness and self-control. Not every girl can be proud of her emotional restraint. This trait alone will attract male respect.
3. Accept his decisions without criticism, do not demean his intellectual abilities.
   A man needs the approval of his ideas, actions and undertakings. Systematic counter-criticism hangs labels: "the husband is stupid, the wife is smart." After all, the female trump card is beauty, and the male one is the mind.
4. Appreciate his courage and sexual potential.
   It is important to show female weakness, to enable a man to use his strength. Sex should be an accessible and natural privilege of family life, not a rewarding carrot.
5. Share achievements and victories.
   A small success, reinforced by the approval and praise of his wife, will motivate him to a big victory.
6. Acceptance of the environment (friends, relatives, colleagues), interests and personal space, leisure.
   Spouses do not become one, their personalities do not merge into one. Therefore, these areas should be separated. Both partners have the right to personal leisure and freedom. Showing interest and approval for personal space demonstrates not only respect for the husband, but also trust (this also applies to personal items: gadgets, notebooks, social media accounts).
7. Highlight and emphasize its merits.
   There is not a single perfect person in the world. The partner is also no exception, but there are things that he is especially good at. The habit of regularly emphasizing such virtues will give good nourishment to maintain self-esteem.

The image of a woman conducive to respect

Everyone will agree that, for example, a hairdresser with unkempt hair does not inspire professional confidence. Similarly, a spouse who claims priority positions in her husband's life list must maintain an appropriate image.
Let's talk about this in more detail:

1. Image and style

The inevitable fate of the beautiful half is that a woman should always be beautiful, stylish, tidy, regardless of the status of a housewife or business woman. The beloved always wants to see a stylish, attractive companion next to him.

2. Exemplary mother and mistress

These archetypal ideas are still relevant in our days of gender equality. The husband appreciates the keeper of the family hearth, he is pleased to return after a hard day's work to a clean house, in which well-groomed children run, and a hot dinner awaits on the table.

3. Desired lover

A woman is valued who fills with sexual energy, awakens desire, creates intrigue, and not just, allowing her to perform marital duty in moments of well-being.

4. Professional self-realization of a woman

Not a single, even the most efficient, housewife will command as much respect as a woman with a specialty, position, professional duties. She needs a profession for the development and formation of a self-sufficient personality, and men are attracted by female independence.

5. The wife's desire for self-development

The second half should be interesting to his partner, he should see her clear strengths, the desire to develop herself and improve. Few people will be interested in a plump housewife obsessed with sales and promotions in online stores.

Conclusion

Family life is not always smooth beautiful rhythms. You have to play in four hands: if one starts to go astray, the second one will go astray, and the melody will have to be played again. It is important to always start with yourself: accept your husband as a constant companion of life, trust him, be in equality and show interest, respect to be respected.

And what of this, dear women, did you do today? Some advice from a psychologist on what to do if the husband does not respect and does not appreciate his wife is not enough. Start with personal changes.

Olga, hello. I read everything carefully and one expression “cuts my ear”, I quote you: “What am I to blame for?”, replace this expression with “what needs to be done to improve the situation in terms of work as a whole”

I refer to ADLER, the founder of individual psychotherapy, that each person has 3 main tasks: friendship, love, work, and you need to find a balance between them, form your own life scenario, where you would feel comfortable in everything in your understanding of this word, excluding the imposed installation society. You thank the higher powers, then everything is fine in the family, and work problems are solved and this is not the worst thing in life, replace the word PROBLEMS with TASKS that you can easily solve.

Let me turn to the analysis of your work as a whole: initially you started working outside your specialty, although you graduated from a university with honors... Why? Didn't like what you studied or didn't like the salary and you started to do what is fashionable, prestigious, with a good salary, but you didn't enjoy it? Here is a famous quote: You need to start “doing what you love and loving what you do” (E. Fromm)

Answer honestly to yourself, think about which option is closer to you - this will help you make a neutral analysis and decide on further actions. But in any case, you need to start doing what YOU LIKE and not chase after prestige and fashion. I don’t urge you to be a worker, but believe me, many people work at a factory and get real pleasure from it, value their family and live the way they want and they don’t care what they say about them.

You strive to be promoted, but will you be happy with the additional responsibility? Won't you come home and transfer "working issues" to the family, making the relationship worse? It is also important to understand the financial situation in your family and understand whether you need to work, strive for a high salary, which would be enough for everything, or just work to satisfy your "I" and show others that you are "cool". Just look at the situation from this position and make an analysis.

With regards to your job that you are working on now: a normal working environment where they scold, praise, fine, reward ... Nobody owes you anything and you have a choice or to adequately treat the situation, leave, as they say, "work at work" or, if you see that working conditions do not suit you, then look for another job, but also understand that in another job everything can be the same as in this place of work. Therefore, on the whole, it is necessary to adequately treat criticism, even with humor, and not take everything to heart ... in order to learn how to adequately relate to situations, I recommend that you read PSYCHOTRAINING BY THE ALBERT ELLIS METHOD, if you enter it into any search engine, then you will find it. Pay special attention to the ELLIS FORMULA, I will write it to you with a brief explanation: "I suggest you take the Albert Ellis ABC formula as a basis, where A is any event, B is our attitude to the situation, C is an emotional state. Many people think that A \u003d C, but this is not so, our emotional state is affected by B, how we relate to what is happening. As soon as the state you describe begins, then track it at the initial stage, and immediately begin to form an adequate attitude to the situation "

Also consider a job where you work for yourself, but again, you need to focus on what you like to do.

When you calm down, do another neutral analysis, read your own letter and think about what you would recommend if, for example, your girlfriend or acquaintance wrote it.

Many of us mistakenly believe that it is wrong and vain to think that we have good qualities. We may berate ourselves for our negative qualities for a long time, thinking that self-criticism is the key to increasing our attractiveness. But constantly focusing on our perceived shortcomings can greatly interfere with our attempts to make friends with other people.

How can we have the confidence to make new friends if we think we are not ready enough for it? How can we believe that other people will love us if we are convinced of our internal shortcomings? Or if we think we're too boring to be of interest to anyone?

We may wonder what others might see in us if we don't see the good in ourselves. People need to be able to easily see our best qualities if we are to get their attention. By focusing on our strengths, we will have much more confidence that we can offer something of value in relationships with others.

If you want to be socially successful, you also have to accept the fact that not everyone will like you, no matter how hard you try. Especially at the first meeting. Each person has a unique set of likes and dislikes that formed long before they met you. Therefore, it will be extremely stupid to condemn yourself for the fact that someone did not like you.

If someone does not like you, then the reason for this hostility may not have anything to do specifically with you. The person you don't like may be too timid, shy, too superficial, or just busy with other things. Maybe you just met at the wrong time.

In no case do not judge yourself by deciding that your shortcomings are greater than your virtues. Some of your qualities that you consider to be shortcomings may be very pleasant to someone, because everything is relative. The very factors that caused you to leave one person may work in your favor with someone else.

You can be 15 kilograms overweight, but still have an infectious laugh and a huge zest for life. There are many people for whom your extra pounds will be literally invisible. You can have a crappy car, but you can also be a great dancer or a loyal and reliable friend to someone who appreciates it a lot. If you're worried about not being pretty enough to make new friends, then just keep in mind that not everyone cares about external beauty.

You may feel like an inferior member of society because you don't have money, a good car, or a home. You may believe that this is the reason why you don't have many friends. On the other hand, if you are very rich, you may suspect everyone that they are friends with you only because of money, and no one really likes you as a person. You can come up with as many reasons as you want, believe in them and do nothing.

Here's the easiest way to remind yourself of your good qualities: make a list of your good qualities on paper and read it over as often as you can. No need to try to imagine this list in your mind. Take some time and write it. By writing down words on paper, you will strengthen their power in your mind. Do not be embarrassed to attribute unnecessary qualities to yourself. If you don't know what to write, ask some people who know you well.

Here are some examples you can use:

• I am kind.
• I'm smart.
• I never gossip.
• I try to always help others.
• I can play the guitar.
• I have a calm disposition.
• I know a lot about sports.

Make your list and read it every day. Add new good qualities that you will discover in yourself later. Pay attention to the compliments other people give you.

Learn to relax. Instead of berating yourself for a perceived flaw, focus on the positive qualities you have to offer. As you meet other people, mentally remind yourself of your wonderful qualities. It will only be a matter of time before you meet people who appreciate you.