Dad at birth. The history of childbirth through the eyes of a man. Should a man attend a birth?
When, after graduating from the institute, the guys persuaded me to go kayaking, as a mossy city dweller, at first I resisted. Then I thought: what am I, not a man, or what? It was the same with the presence in the ward during the birth of his wife. Just at some point I said to myself: I'm kind of like a representative of the stronger sex! If women can do it, I can do it too.
Roundtrip
By the time Lena had real contractions, the process of getting ready for the maternity hospital for both of us was brought to automatism. Because not at all weak “harbingers” have appeared several times already. And every night. My missus pushed me aside just at the moment when I dreamed of something particularly interesting, and, widening her eyes, in a tragic whisper said: “That's it! I give birth! And I, yawning and bumping into the walls, packed slippers, a toothbrush and cigarettes. We warmed up the car, drove to the maternity hospital, woke up everyone we could… So what? The contractions subsided, there was no opening, and, quietly gnashing my teeth, I was driving a cheerful, cheerful Lenka back home. Not life, but the work of Mr. Tolkien: "The Hobbit, or There and Back Again."
And now she once again begins to “give birth”, I automatically deliver her to her destination, mentally preparing to take her back. But instead of a cheerful wife, a businesslike young midwife comes out of the examination room: “Opening three fingers, the water has just broken. Call your doctor."
And now we are already in the ward - waiting for the doctor to arrive. There was no trace of Lenka's cheerfulness: she turned pale, her lips trembled. And I have, as in contrast, a surge of unhealthy gaiety. He began to carry some kind of nonsense, poison jokes. In the end, he made his wife laugh to tears. When our doctor entered the ward, Lena was jumping on the fitball and laughing. We were not even immediately believed that we really began to give birth.
Inhale-exhale
When the contractions became more frequent, it became no laughing matter. Lena and I walked around the ward and breathed in chorus at the doctor's command: one-two-three-four - inhale; one-two-three-four-five-six - exhale. From time to time she stopped and grabbed my elbow in a death grip: a contraction. I hugged her, rubbed her place below the waist - the sacrum; supposedly from this the pain should become weaker. Lena squeaked slightly, somehow all contracted and bit her lips. Then it was released, and we set off again: inhale-exhale, inhale-exhale. They took a break: the doctor gave her some kind of candle - supposedly to soften the cervix. I checked the disclosure, ordered me to walk more.
We walk, we walk, and suddenly the whole wife seems to be warped. She lay down on the couch, says - "I want to drink." The doctor shakes his head: you can’t drink now. And he gives a wooden stick, the one that is used to eat ice cream, and on it cotton wool moistened with water: to lubricate the lips. "Give me a drink!" Lena wheezes. Well, I think, for the Gestapo, they don't give water to a person. He began to wet her lips; seemed to be quiet. But not for long. Soon the fights went one after another; my wife tightly grabbed my shoulder with her fingers (the bruises remained!) and moaned softly. The doctor looked at her again and said: "Let's sit on the chair, let's start now."
"I'm afraid!"
He helped her climb onto this “throne”. I can't imagine how pregnant women with their bellies, and even during fierce fights, get there without the help of their husbands. I practically lifted Lenka on a chair in my arms. The doctor kept repeating: "Don't you dare sit down - you will sit on the child's head!" And Lena, in my opinion, didn’t care anymore whether she was sitting, lying or hanging upside down.
They arranged her on a chair, the midwife ran up. I was placed at the head, and the doctor and the midwife stood at Lena's feet. Another thought flashed through my mind - what a funny position my wife has: in life she will not hurt a fly, and then she rested one foot on the doctor, the other on the midwife, as if she was going to kick.
“The opening is good,” says the doctor. “You have to push three times in one contraction.” And I, it must be said, read so much literature about this “strain”, and still I didn’t really understand what was at stake. But standing at the chair as if he felt something. Maybe the doctor and the midwife portrayed well, maybe there is a special magic in the delivery rooms ... From the outside, everything looked, probably, quite funny: it seems that one woman is giving birth, and four are pushing - they inhale deeply, hold their breath, blush, bulge their eyes ... And one of them, mind you, a man.
And then Lena screams: “I'm afraid!” The doctor and midwife began to fuss. I stand, whisper in her ear something like “everything will be fine, don’t worry,” and suddenly I hear - “The head has passed!” While Lena was so loudly afraid, the head of our baby was born! I immediately looked “there”, and there - something so round, black ...
Red hero
After that everything was pretty fast. The wife somehow immediately came to life, tensed up - and now they show me this wet lump. They don’t even show it, but they really stick it in the face with manhood!
“Man,” I say.
“It’s a boy,” the midwife corrects, offended.
Why is he so red? I ask.
- He's pink! the doctor is outraged.
And here it is not. Maybe in their medical language this color is called pink. I declare with all responsibility - my son was quite red right after birth. And huge! That is, it seemed small to me, but after weighing it turned out - four three hundred, although my wife is by no means a giantess.
Lena looked so happy! Tired, disheveled, but so satisfied! And beautiful as a Madonna. That is, not in the sense of being beautiful that even now at a social event, but as if glowing from the inside, so a little magical, so dear. And all mine. And when our boy was put on her stomach, put to her chest, and he, without thinking twice, smacked his lips, I, frankly, shed a tear.
P.S
According to the doctors, that was not all. They were explaining something to Lena about the third stage of labor, about the placenta, which is about to be born, about the need to push again. But she, in my opinion, did not listen to them - she lay to herself with such a blissful look, like a cat that has surreptitiously eaten sour cream. I was sternly asked to influence my wife. I stood at her head again - the baby was just being examined by a pediatrician - tried again to push with her. Lena portrayed something like that - and broke into a happy smile: “No, nothing comes of it ...”
In short, no matter how much she strained, that under my guidance, that under the sensitive eyes of doctors, no placenta came out. The doctor said that in this case it would be necessary to remove the child's place under anesthesia. Our baby was temporarily sent to the children's department, having sworn to his wife that he would lie with her in the postpartum ward, and I was told to "take a walk somewhere." I went out into the corridor - and only then I realized how brutally I wanted to smoke! Even my hands were trembling. I caught the first sister I came across, explained the situation - they say, I was present at the birth, I was tired, where you smoke. She looked at me from the bottom up with such respect, with which, probably, they look at heroes who have accomplished a feat - and took me to the courtyard ...
What can I say? Nonsense that childbirth is not a man's business. To support a beloved woman in the most difficult moment, to be close to her - isn't that worthy of a man? And the moment when I took my son in my arms - even earlier than my wife! – was probably the most beautiful in my life.
Magazine “I want a child”, Sergey B.
The world around us is changing very quickly. What used to be familiar is becoming a thing of the past, new traditions are emerging.
Even 80-90 years ago, before the development of allopathic medicine and the emergence of a network of hospitals and clinics, in fact, throughout the world, most births took place at home, of course, in the presence of doctors.
The father was somewhere nearby, but not directly next to the woman in labor. He could hear the sounds from the room where the birth takes place, but he was allowed into the "holy of holies" only in extreme cases.
With the advent of traditional Soviet-style maternity hospitals, future fathers found themselves separated from the miracle of birth and wives giving birth by reliable walls of maternity wards. There was a custom to give the newly-born dad an elegant bundle on the steps of the maternity hospital. How the baby was born, and what the wife experienced in these few days - the man could only guess.
In recent years, the presence of the father at the birth of a child has become increasingly popular. The future dad in the delivery room is no longer exotic, but almost a common occurrence. Recall that in Europe and America this tradition began to take shape 20 years earlier than in our country. Now, the second generation of fathers is holding their newborn children, and psychologists are studying the long-term positive effects of early contact of fathers with their newborn children. Will this tradition take root in Russia?
There is a wealth of work and research on how attendance at birth and early contact with the baby enhances paternal feelings. It will be about the presence of the father at childbirth and preparation for this.
We make a decision on joint childbirth:
Pondering about joint birth, it should be borne in mind that serious events in the life of a family are better for spouses to live together:
And childbirth is a very serious event, which is called a first-order phenomenon. And this is a strong argument in favor of the presence of the future father at birth.
Fashion for the presence at childbirth:
If the decision to be with his wife is made at this moment because his best friend or boss did it, or because now all real men do it, then this is an unreliable basis.
Fashion for the presence in the delivery room for your couple can be a trap.
All people and all families are unique, and it is important to make the right choice.
Your individual choice:
Like many things in family life, the choice of the place and style of childbirth is a matter of mutual agreement. The violence or psychological manipulation of one of the parties manifested in such a subtle issue will definitely come out sideways after the birth of the baby. There is such a saying “As we live, so we give birth” - it contains the idea that if the relationship in a couple is close and trusting, most likely they will be comfortable giving birth together.
But if the psychological distance between the spouses is large, if there is tension in the relationship, or a solid “conflict pillow” has been developed, if you were unable to unravel the knots in your relationship during pregnancy, if there is no agreement, but there is tension, it’s better not to experiment and give birth traditionally way.
The fervent desire of the father to be present at the birth is a necessary thing, but not sufficient.
A woman may have absolutely irrational reasons for not wanting her husband to be present at the birth. And all of them must be taken into account. As in everything that concerns the relationship between a man and a woman, reciprocity and reciprocity are important in childbirth - you should not show violence against anyone in anything. Any violence and unnaturalness will come to you sideways.
After all, childbirth is the moment of truth, revealing the true nature of the relationship. This is a kind of test for the depth and quality of relationships.
If there is a note of “comradeship and brotherhood” in your relationship with your husband, if you are ready to “go on reconnaissance” together, then you can give birth together.
But if you want him to be with you for educational purposes, so that he understands where children come from, and at what cost all this is given to a woman, then this is a wrong argument.
What a man's eyes see during childbirth:
A man can see the fear and pain of a woman. But natural or artificial anesthesia, under the influence of which a woman is during childbirth, does not affect him. He becomes a participant in labor pain without any anesthesia. And not every man is ready for this. What can help a couple prepare for an effective joint birth?
Is it a man's or not a man's business:
The birth chamber is not a theatrical stage, there is no place to play.
The truth about your relationship, your fears and reluctances should not come out at the time of childbirth.
To admit that you are not ready to give birth together is not a defeat at all, and not a diagnosis for the family.
Men who, for a number of reasons, do not want to be present at childbirth, considering this a purely feminine matter, can be wonderful gentle, loving fathers included in the upbringing and very reliable husbands..
When making your choice, you must be clear about all the risk factors that are relevant to your couple.
Families who are better off refraining from joint birth: Risk group
Let's talk, first of all, about those fathers whose presence at the birth is unambiguously undesirable.
I will make a reservation that the matter of the final choice, first of all, is up to you and your husband, and no one should impose their will on a married couple. But it is simply unreasonable not to take into account the considerations and observations of specialists and just parents who have been accumulating for years.
Families with insecure relationships:
If relations in the family are problematic and during pregnancy these problems were not resolved, but worsened, this is a reason to doubt the correctness of the decision on the presence of the father at the birth.
If there is a lack of trust and simplicity in the relationship between husband and wife, it will be difficult for a woman to relax. Resentment will prevent contractions from flowing naturally.
Give the man the opportunity to be present during childbirth for a woman it is like for dogs to show their soft pink belly - the highest act of trust.
In addition, the grievances and unresolved contradictions that have accumulated in a problem married couple will definitely make themselves felt during childbirth. After all, childbirth is a stressful situation, and during any stressful situation, the wrong side of the relationship shows itself. There is no need to pin hope on childbirth to resolve those difficulties between future parents that have been accumulating for months, or even years. The birth of a child is an event of tremendous significance in itself, and it is unreasonable to overload it with something else.
Try to deal with most of your problems before the baby is born, so as not to hang them on the newborn.
Civil marriages and unformed unions:
Now often people live together for years, but they are not going to put a stamp in their passport. Now you will not surprise anyone with a civil marriage.
Nevertheless, most psychologists believe that unformed relationships are a risk factor for the successful development of relationships in the family.
In such unions, women rarely talk about their desire to marry the actual husband. BUT after all, every girl - big or small - from the age of 4-5 dreams of a veil and a white dress.
So, by the time the child is born, the unfulfillment of this normal female desire to have a ring on her finger and not have difficulties with issuing a birth certificate can lead to the accumulation of serious unspoken resentment. Which, of course, will interfere with the harmonious presence of the father during childbirth.
People in too masculine professions
Men often choose for themselves professions associated with risk, tough relationships, and danger. And if a person is a professional in his field, this cannot but leave an imprint on his external and internal appearance.
If your husband is a military man, an athlete, a rescuer or a big boss, or if there were extreme and difficult situations in his life, this will definitely manifest itself in childbirth.
Such people, accustomed to being harsh and strict with themselves and their loved ones, may behave too harshly during childbirth. Such men may begin to demand "combat behavior" from their wife instead of providing support and sympathy.
Consider the character traits and personality traits of your husband, making a decision about joint childbirth.
How to prepare your husband for the birth:
Shared pregnancy. "Pregnant Couple"
If this pregnancy was desirable for you and your husband, or at least you were able to accept this news with joy until the middle of pregnancy, this is a positive factor.
If you have formed a “pregnant couple” from a married couple, in which the interests of a woman and an unborn child are taken into account, then this is a gentle and smooth preparation of the husband for childbirth.
After all, thoughts about the child and his upcoming birth prepare for this event.
But if you are thinking about what you will soon give birth a couple of weeks before the birth - then it is unlikely that it will be possible to prepare well for joint childbirth. Too many questions may remain unresolved.
The presence of a husband at childbirth should not be something completely divorced from the style of life of the family, little consistent with him. If the husband does not participate in the pregnancy in any way, then his presence at the birth will look at least strange and is unlikely to help his wife.
Arrange everything in advance:
Joint birth decision should not be taken at the last moment and in a hurry. The place where you are going to give birth and the specialist you trust to conduct childbirth should be chosen carefully. And the decision on joint childbirth must mature, this requires time, not less than 2-3 months.
Residuals relating to childbirth must be spoken out and removed. What a wife expects from her husband, how a man imagines all this - this requires a detailed discussion.
Talk to people you know who have similar experiences to get a better idea of the situation.
Pick up together music that calms you, discuss smells that you enjoy. Slowly, think about how to make the birthing environment more comfortable, and the first days with the baby cozier. All this is quite possible in the conditions of Russian maternity hospitals, if you give birth under a contract.
An adequate attitude to pain is a necessary condition:
If a man has a fear of pain or blood, if he can hardly bear the sight of the suffering of others, this can become an obstacle to attending childbirth.
Accepting birth pain, a woman becomes a mother - there is a commandment "in pain you will give birth to your children." No one commanded a man to see labor pain. This is a matter of free choice. And in order for this choice to be made correctly, you need to know your reaction to pain and not hide your fears.
There are legends that women are more comfortable with long-term pain than men. In relation to labor pain, this is true.
We get rid of the fears associated with childbirth:
To many people and for men and women, the process of giving birth to a child seems to be something catastrophic, purely medical- a kind of mysterious, high-risk operation.
Simple and accessible information about how childbirth occurs, about the different stages of this process, about the physiology of childbirth and the psychology of the woman in labor, can dispel most of these fears.
It is much easier for men to participate in childbirth , if he has a certain "mental picture", a scheme of how this happens.
"Plan" childbirth:
It is easier for many men to imagine their participation in childbirth if they have a rough plan for the management of childbirth drawn up in advance with their wife and specialists. On the one hand, this helps the future father to more clearly imagine the process, and on the other hand, when discussing the birth plan, you can discuss topics that concern you. For example, what to do if labor is delayed, what degree of medical attention and induction of labor do you consider acceptable.
Before giving birth, a man should have a clear visual representation of how it all happens:
Now it will not be difficult to buy and watch educational films about childbirth together. They are usually foreign made. But modern paid wards in many maternity hospitals are quite similar to Western ones.
The most important thing is not the interiors, but a pre-obtained visual representation of what the birth of a child looks like.
It is better for a man who is going to attend childbirth to first see all this from the side, what is happening on the screen and with someone else's wife. This will be a kind of preparation and test for readiness to transfer the birth "live".
Doctors and obstetricians tell many stories when in the delivery room it was necessary to pump out not the wife, but the husband.
And this is not funny, because during childbirth a woman wants to see hope and support in her husband, and not an object that requires care.
Caring Habit:
Pregnancy is a great time to learn how to help and support your wife and be attentive to her whims. All this is very useful during childbirth and in the postpartum period.
But if the husband himself is used to being the object of care, then he may begin to demand attention in childbirth.
Therefore, use the last months of pregnancy as a “care training” for your wife.
It is useful for a woman not to be shy to show weakness and ask for help and support. In my opinion, pregnancy is a great time for this.
The ability to accept care is useful in childbirth, and later life.
If you are used to seeing yourself as strong, in control and responsible for everything, it will be difficult for you to let go of the reins and surrender to the process of childbirth, which cannot be controlled.
Remember, managing childbirth is a matter of nature and an obstetrician.
Well, if dad imagines what newborns look like:
Newly born babies are quite different from the image of the “perfect baby” that is present in the minds of most adults.
The future dad should be prepared for the fact that his newborn child is tiny, red, not yet able to smile and focus his eyes.
In addition, newborns are covered with primordial lubrication - a cheesy white matter, and their eyes may be swollen after passing through the birth canal. All these features will disappear after a few hours or days. But, nevertheless, the instinctive reaction of many men who have not seen newborns before is: "Is everything all right with him." Therefore, it is worth watching films or photos with newborn children in advance.
Being at the hospital or having a drink with friends. How "unincluded" fathers celebrate the birth of a child.
Most women are very offended by the complete non-participation and detachment of the husband during childbirth. And, which has become almost traditional for men, replacing the presence next to the wife with a strong drink with friends can cool the relationship between spouses for a long time. For fathers who don't know that it's possible to be there for their wife and even help her in some way when a new man is born, drinking with friends is an opportunity to do at least something on such an important day.
But this is a "fake" action. Serious male experiences and fears are hidden behind it, but it is difficult for a woman to understand this.
Drinking yourself unconscious is a bad way to help your wife. If you don’t want or can’t be around, it’s better to finish the renovation or do something creative for the family.
It will be appreciated and your energy will not be wasted.
"The Gift of Fatherhood":
Pasternak in the novel Doctor Zhivago has a scene in which the main character stands in the corridor of the hospital and hears the cries and groans of his wife. She has a difficult, protracted birth, and she has been suffering for many hours, there is even a risk. And finally, the cry of the baby is heard. And Yuri feels that a miracle happened, but he actually got all this for nothing. This feeling often occurs in fathers who are cut off from childbirth, but want to share the work and pain of their wife.
Presence at childbirth can be treated as support during difficult times. When one of our loved ones passes a decisive exam, or passes a serious test, the normal desire of relatives is to be somewhere nearby and, if possible, support them in any way.
So, in the absence of significant contraindications and with the steady desire of the father, joint childbirth is quite possible.
What can a man do for his wife during childbirth:
Just to be around
In many cases, this is already a lot. Most women are calm when they know that there is a close person nearby who is most directly related to the new little man.
Pain and how to deal with it.
First of all, understanding that pain is not an annoying hindrance in childbirth, but a necessary condition for the birth of a new person, can help here.
If a man has a clear idea of what exactly he can help and ease the labor pains a little, it will be much easier for him.
Pain Relief Massage:
During pregnancy, it is worth learning simple tricks to ease the pain of a woman in labor. The instructors of the courses for pregnant women will provide you with all the information you need - they will name the necessary books (for example, Dick Reed "Childbirth without fear"). Special movements of a massage that relieves pain, special positions in which it is easier for a woman to experience contractions, the ability to prepare a drink that a wife loves - all this must be known in advance to a husband who is about to participate in the birth of his wife. After all, most men are people of action. For them, presence means participation. And inaction and ignorance of ways to help is a sharp knife.
Therefore, agree in advance on what you expect from your husband. If necessary, consult with a specialist. Doctors and psychologists will be able to teach the husband simple methods of massage and tactics of behavior in childbirth.
Attempts and contractions - different stages of childbirth:
All of the above actions are appropriate at the stage of contractions. When childbirth enters the final stage and attempts begin, the situation and the condition of the woman change radically. It's like she's not quite there. Feelings of attempts can be prohibitive, and natural anesthesia changes the state of consciousness.
A professional obstetrician can do a lot for a woman in attempts, but in fact, a husband can do nothing. And the big question is whether he should be present at this moment in close proximity.
The initial stages of childbirth and the postpartum period do not raise such questions - there the presence of a husband nearby can give a lot to a married couple.
So, maybe not together, but somewhere very close. This may become the motto of joint childbirth.
If you feel that in these moments the presence of your husband is a burden to you:
Do not be shy and do not overpower yourself if you realize that the presence of your husband next to you is fettering, making you hold back too much.
For many women in the final stages of childbirth, the phase of "persecution of dads" begins. Agree in advance on conventional signs - gestures or words. It should be such a “stop signal” - if a woman gives it, the husband unconditionally and quickly leaves the “scene”. The main thing is that at this moment there should be no disputes and insults. Discuss in advance the possibility that you will change your mind at the last moment. A pregnant woman gets away with inconsistency easily.
Childbirth - especially the first one - is a completely new experience for a woman, and she cannot know what to expect from herself. It is extremely important for a woman to feel free during childbirth. If for some reason the presence of a husband prevents you from relaxing, you don’t have to overpower yourself.
This moment of unpredictability of desires and moods of the woman in labor.
The presence of the father in the postpartum period is an undeniable thing:
So, attendance at birth for a man- a very serious event and an experience of great power.
It is believed that the earliest possible tactile contact of the father with the baby contributes to the formation of a secure attachment. Fathers who held their newborn children in their arms are more closely involved in raising and caring for them. They are not afraid of the child and feel competent.
A man can do a lot for a wife who has just given birth. The presence of the pope in the postpartum ward make the first days of the extended family from the period of sick leave and medical - a joyful family event. A detailed conversation about the postpartum period in the life of the family is yet to come.
The third important point in partner childbirth is the feeling of the future father himself. Men who were not present at the birth of their children, as a rule, begin to feel connected with them much later, when the child begins to show signs of consciousness and it is already possible to talk with him about something.
In the first months, some fathers are even afraid to take a newborn in their arms, imagining it as some kind of “fragile toy” that is easy to break. The paternal instinct of such men is dormant for a long time, although they themselves do not admit it, being afraid to offend their wives or seem like some kind of monsters. But women always feel the estrangement between father and child that sometimes arises in such situations.
Worst of all, dads often shift all the responsibility of caring for a baby onto the shoulders of their exhausted wives. Men who do not feel kinship with the baby can be very burdened by their duties. Later, when the child grows up and begins to show children's ingenuity and delight parents with their first successes, the father can feel pride in his baby and gradually imbued with fatherly love for him.
With partner childbirth, a man immediately plunges into the process. He sees the suffering of the mother, in a sense, he experiences them himself. Being in such a situation as an outside observer does not work. Sometimes the baby generally sees the father first, and not the mother. All this gives a man a very valuable sense of belonging to the birth of a child.
Fathers who take part in partner births almost immediately establish a deep emotional connection with the baby. A man on an emotional and intellectual level feels the same, precious sense of fatherhood. In a woman, mother nature launches a similar mechanism: thanks to a powerful hormonal surge, a newly-made mother forgets the pains of birth and begins to feel endless happiness from the fact that she has a child.
This will be an unusual article about joint birth with her husband. The first part was written by a woman, the second part by a man. Naturally, both have experience of partner childbirth. It will be extremely interesting to learn about this topic from different points of view.
Go. Let's start with the female gaze of Anna, the mother of two children, who were both born in partnership.
Female look:
Recently, the practice of the presence of a husband at the birth of a child is gaining momentum. This issue has both supporters and opponents. Well, if everything is still somehow clear with supporters, then why do opponents appear? What are women most afraid of?
As it turned out, the main reason: "I'm going to look ugly." Well, yes, I agree, it’s hard to shine with beauty while lying on the delivery table in an incomprehensible position, with a red face and bulging eyes. But from my own experience, I can say that when a husband goes into childbirth consciously, understanding all the subtleties of the birth of a child, having completed the course of a young fighter at the Mother's School, then he will not wait for a beautiful, sweet and smiling wife during attempts. Seriously, he really won't follow this. Some men are worried about the baby, some for the spouse, and the rest for both.
Some women are worried that at the time of the birth of a child, not only a child may appear, but also some consequences of the vital activity of the body. Sometimes it happens. But, firstly, it is extremely quickly removed by obstetricians, and secondly, I hope that your husband knew before that you are a living person and all this is natural and sometimes not controlled.
The third fear: “he will cool off for me as a woman” - he will see how the baby is born, and the size of the child is amazing and that’s it, you can file for divorce. All these are tales invented by men who do not want to be present at childbirth or by women themselves who are opposed to partner childbirth. My husband was present at the birth of the baby, and the moment of sexual cooling scared me very much, but nothing like that happened. To reassure future women in labor and their husbands, I will say that the husband does not stand at the feet of the expectant mother and does not consider the passage of the child through the birth canal. There is a doctor and a midwife. That's it, there is no more space, and the partner is located at the head of the delivery table, next to the woman's face, so you have to try harder to see something. In addition, he himself may not want to study all the details of childbirth, so he will look at the face, stomach, and so on. By the way, as my husband told me, it is very interesting to observe the belly, which at first stands high, and then begins to move towards the pelvic bones and then disappears sharply. Even having given birth to two children, I did not know this. It wasn't before.
Another common fear is that the husband will faint. Maybe he will fall if he was not going to give birth, and you dragged him there on a lasso. Then he will faint and cool towards you, and the child will be afraid.
Once at school, mothers told us this story:
Young people got married, soon the woman became pregnant and, having read various positive stories about partner births, she decided to take her husband with her to the delivery room. It is worth noting that for the entire time of her short family life, the girl hid her natural needs from her husband, got up in the morning before him to meet her husband at the parade - hairdo, makeup, beautiful clothes - and for the same purpose went to bed later than her husband. And so, he goes with her to the maternity ward, where he finds out that her makeup is not permanent, her hair does not always decorate her head, but the worst thing is that she can feel pain and take positions that are not the most favorable for viewing. What happened to this family then? Following was a divorce and three unfortunate people, one of whom is clearly mentally crippled.
To avoid the adverse consequences of partner childbirth, this issue must be approached very seriously. The future father must decide whether he wants to walk this path with his wife, to understand his role at the moment.
What are the husbands afraid of in the delivery room? Yes, about the same as the wife. Therefore, we will not re-examine these issues.
Against the husband in childbirth. Doctors' fears are more specific and objective.
- Husband fainting. I have already written about him. Only through the eyes of doctors, this means that there is no time to help a man, but you can easily stumble over him.
- Male advisers. These are the husbands who will tell the midwife how to give birth, whether it is worth doing an episiotomy (an incision in the perineum during childbirth), and most likely, they will persuade them not to do it. And other "smart" and "necessary" remarks.
- Husband is a photographer. This is a separate conversation. He starts shooting from the entrance to the maternity hospital and ends with the exit from it. This is especially true in the modern world. You have to show it to your friends, put it on the network, get likes. Therefore, he will always be between the legs of his wife, so as not to miss the most important moment and interfere with the midwife, asking to take a more favorable angle. Will the doctor be able to take delivery correctly at such a moment? Hardly.
- The husband is the aggressor. There is nothing to say here. This is a person who will always lash out at the doctors for the pain of his wife, for the lack of any amenities, for a long birth, and so on. That will only irritate, irritate doctors, and may lead to a negative attitude towards a woman, as a result of poor-quality work and problematic childbirth.
Do partnerships only have downsides? Of course not, let's talk about the positive.
So, for the presence of a spouse at this sacrament:
- The woman in labor is under observation all the time and doctors can relax a bit (if there is an adequate husband).
- A partner will always help a woman in the ward (bring a vessel, take her to the toilet, call an obstetrician, calm her down).
- At a moment of stress, the expectant mother may stop listening to doctors, and respond adequately to her husband's voice, which happened to me. I was a very exemplary woman in labor: I didn’t scream, I didn’t express myself, I didn’t get doctors, I did everything that was required of me, but until the moment of attempts. When the straining period began, the brain simply turned off. The doctors told me what to do, but I didn’t understand them, although I heard them (the phrase: “pull your leg to your stomach” only puzzled me. I didn’t understand at all what a “leg” and “stomach” were and how to “pull up "). My husband came to the rescue, who simply duplicated the words of the midwife, and I fulfilled the requirements. Why the body reacted this way is still a mystery to me.
- The husband is great at handling the baby while you rest after the birth and will help you move later to the postpartum ward.
How to prepare for partner childbirth?
- It is necessary even before childbirth, and it is better before pregnancy, to find out the readiness of both spouses for partner childbirth. If at least one of them does not agree, then this issue should be closed immediately.
- Go through the Mother's School together or courses on partner childbirth, where they will tell the husband in detail what and how is happening, how the birth proceeds, what the woman and the baby feel, and they will also teach how to alleviate the suffering of a young mother. My husband withstood all the training, but during childbirth, all this was not useful to him. Because to the timid: “Breathe like a dog”, I received in response: “I will help you stop breathing altogether if you come to me with your advice.” And at the suggestion to do a massage on pain points, he almost lost his finger. Well, what to do, at this moment you have to endure all the oddities of women in labor and hide your hands.
- Be sure to watch the video of natural childbirth, if not shown at the Mother's School. Such a film is only for the future dad, primiparous mothers have nothing to do at such screenings.
- Discuss all the nuances of attending childbirth. Firstly, perhaps one of the spouses is not ready to go through the hard period together. So it’s worth immediately deciding that dad is present at the time of contractions, and then he enters the ward to the happy new mother. It is also worth agreeing that if during childbirth one of the parents realizes that partner childbirth is a bad choice, then dad leaves the ward without further ado.
After all that they have seen and experienced, the spouses, as a rule, become closer to each other and dearer. A man understands better how a woman is given a child, and paternal feelings for the child themselves wake up not by the age of three, but from birth. After the birth of the baby, my husband rocked him in his arms for two hours, talked, hugged him and kissed him. Paradoxically, at the age of three, my son described the whole situation to me, although he did not know that dad was there at the time of his birth.
Whatever they tell you about partner childbirth, remember that in any case it is only your choice and the decision of your family, therefore, take it only together.
And now the male look of Mikhail, the father of two children. The first child was born in the maternity hospital, Mikhail was present at these births, the second child was born at home, but that is another story.
Review of a man - a male view of the presence at childbirth
I agree with all points with Anna. Indeed, there are nuances, there are certain rules, and the decision that the husband should be present at the birth should be conscious.
There is one big privilege for the husband in partner delivery - he can leave the delivery room at any time. The wife naturally cannot “leave the game”, even if she really wants to. This moment solves all issues, because if it becomes bad, scary, boring or something else, then you can always leave the room and wait for the finale outside the door, on another floor, under the window, or even at home.
One fine day we came to the maternity hospital, talked to the doctor who will take delivery, signed the contract and began to wait for the day when the fun begins.
That day came and in the evening the first preparatory bouts began - it was fun. When they just started, our doctor said that they would gradually increase and there was no point in going to the hospital for the time being. We went to the cinema, watched some movie, when my wife was seized, she got up from her chair and walked back and forth, it's funny to remember now.
At 10 am we went to the hospital. There we took selfies in the ward, joked in every possible way and nothing foreshadowed something terrible. When the contractions became stronger and more frequent, it was no longer so fun, it happened somewhere 4 before the birth of her daughter. The wife was saved by various exercises and a warm shower, she was no longer in the mood for jokes and me too.
The doctor came in regularly, checked everything, told us how much the opening was. Everything went like a book.
6-7 hours have passed since our arrival at the hospital, at that time I even left to go eat at a restaurant nearby, then suddenly it started abruptly! In just 20 minutes, my daughter was born. At that time I was standing at the head of my wife and did not see anything, I held my hand, blinked my eyes and waited patiently.
Our baby was born, we all cried with happiness, after which they handed me my daughter and sent me for a walk in the corridor with her, while my mother was put in order. After 30 minutes of walking with my daughter, I gave her to my wife and they were taken to another floor, and I went home.
I think that every man will benefit from such a life experience. He unites the family, opens his eyes to the sacrament of birth, shares the responsibility for the birth between the spouses. There are no mental or physiological problems between the spouses. There are only memories of tears of happiness and emotions that cannot be received if you sit at home and wait for your wife to give birth and send you an SMS that everything is in order.
Usually, when a conversation about partner childbirth with her husband came between friends and acquaintances, those who were categorically against it did not have this experience. I think that it is impossible to be against or for, if this experience is not received by you personally, since only on the basis of it you can then draw conclusions. I personally have not yet met a single man who would be present at the birth and speak negatively about this experience.
In any case, the choice is yours. Good thing this is voluntary.
There have been discussions on this topic for a long time. Both supporters and opponents of joint childbirth have weighty arguments. So pregnant women are lost, not knowing on whose side the truth is. They look for information on the Internet, collect bit by bit, and are afraid to make the wrong decision.
However, today the site for moms supermams.ru has put together all the pros and cons of childbirth with her husband. Is it worth it to give birth with your husband, what will be the consequences of each of the decisions, as well as advice to the men themselves on this matter, look in today's article.
Childbirth with husband: "for"
Childbirth with a husband is fashionable. You can hear rave reviews from friends, see campaigning in the press and on the Internet.
A woman giving birth in the presence of her husband is more comfortable. Realizing that there is a close person nearby who does not just observe, but tries in every possible way to help, a woman gives birth more easily.
A husband can help not only morally. Giving birth to the wife massage the back and lower abdomen, taking to the toilet, calling the midwives, helping to breathe during, the husband takes the most direct part in childbirth.
Childbirth with a husband is also good because the husband can control the medical staff, specifying what injections and pills are given to the woman in labor, what are their contraindications. With her husband, doctors and midwives behave more correctly and politely.
Having given birth to a child "together", the newly-made father immediately manifests paternal feelings, he begins to love the child earlier, without a long addiction. In the future, such dads nurse the children on a par with their mother.
The husband's affection for his wife is intensified. They seem to become one, which can be confirmed by many couples. Relationships become stronger and reach a different level of development.
Here is the story of one giving birth: “I gave birth with my husband. During labor, he helped me overcome this pain, and during childbirth he “breathed” with me and pushed. He watched the whole process, saw how the head appeared, and then the whole body of the child After giving birth, our relationship became more reverent and warm, and sex - sensual and tender. "
Childbirth with husband: "against"
Some women believe that the presence of a husband during childbirth only interferes. During contractions and the very process of childbirth, they cannot get rid of the idea that the husband is the "source" of their suffering. After all, now it is so hard for them, and he is spared from this.
Also, a husband may feel guilty for not being able to help his wife in any way. This is aggravated by the fact that the wife can become irritable and break down on her husband, yell at him and say that he is doing everything wrong.
Childbirth with a husband may not only not strengthen the family, but, on the contrary, be an impetus for the collapse, especially if even before that, not everything was smooth in the relationship.
Opponents of childbirth with her husband believe that birth should be a mystery, and a woman should remain a mystery. The husband absolutely does not need to know such anatomical details of the body.
There is a category of women who are shy, therefore they are against childbirth with their husband. They are embarrassed that the husband will see his wife in an unsightly form: shaggy, groaning from pain that does not find a place for itself, in various poses, they imagine with horror that the husband will take him to the toilet ... Or he will even see blood, mucus, the remains of the placenta, bloody umbilical cord. Thinking about how they look at the moment, women will be distracted from the very process of childbirth.
But the most important argument against childbirth with a husband is that after everything he has seen, the husband may lose any sexual interest in his wife! Moreover, a man may even feel disgust for the woman he once loved and begin to treat her after childbirth only as the mother of his child. And this fact will be confirmed by many men! And only an experienced psychologist can help with this.
Here is what one woman giving birth with her husband says: “After giving birth with my husband, I noticed some changes in my husband’s behavior. He seemed to move away from me, became a stranger, kissed only on the cheek and avoided intimacy. happened quickly and without emotion. He explained this to me by saying that he cannot forget what he saw during childbirth. Although a whole year has passed! I wrote him down to a specialist, and everything seems to be slowly getting better. "
If you decide to give birth together, it is better to prepare in advance for childbirth. Visit special courses, read literature.
Let the wife feel your support and confidence in a successful outcome. Do not get lost, take a book about pregnancy and childbirth with you. Read to your wife so that she knows what is happening to her now.
Watch her breath. Show by example how to breathe properly during contractions and childbirth. Stroke or massage your beloved woman's belly and lower back (if you have mastered the massage technique).
While pushing, hold your wife's hand or caress her face and head, speak gentle words to her. Breathe and push together.
It is not at all necessary to look "in that very place", you can stand at the head of the woman giving birth.
Do not meddle with doctors with your advice, but do not show complete indifference to their actions. Follow their instructions carefully. Don't be rude and don't panic.
If you feel that you can no longer observe what is happening, leave the room so as not to distract the doctors.
Be prepared for unexpected behavior from your wife. If she asks, leave her alone and don't give her too much reason to be nervous.
If you think that you don’t belong in the delivery room, but you still want to be with your wife at such an important moment, stay with your wife during labor. And during childbirth, wait for the baby to be born somewhere behind the wall.
In the event that the wife insists on joint childbirth, and you are against this idea, do not give arguments that may seem unconvincing to a pregnant woman. It is better to explain that you will not be able to control yourself and refer to weak nerves.
If you nevertheless decided to give birth with your husband, then you weighed all the pros and cons and assessed the possible consequences.
In this matter, the most important thing is the desire of the husband, his initiative. Persuasion and coercion can not be pushed to this. And it is also impossible to set an example for other families. You can't predict how your husband will react.
And do you need a husband during childbirth? Maybe you will be more comfortable if there is a mother, sister or friend nearby?
In any case, whatever decision you make, I wish you the best of luck!
Discussion
Rather "against" than "for". But this is only in my case. It is not necessary to put pressure on a man and force him to be present during childbirth. It's just his choice. My husband is afraid of blood and faints (not figuratively, but literally) at the very smell of it. When the water broke at my house, he turned pale, began to run, fuss. He is a very nervous person. And why would you bring something like that with you? Some sense of justice? I suffer, let him? Silly and irresponsible. To say that he is a man and must be confident and supportive, otherwise he is not a man? But we women are not all the same. Not everyone is weak and romantic, etc.
I was generally more comfortable when no one was there. So that no one sees how I writhed and screamed in pain.
And I regret that my husband was not with me at the first birth. All these arguments against are nonsense. After analyzing my first birth, I even know how exactly he could help me there. And then I simply succumbed to public opinion - they say there is nothing for a peasant to do there. We wanted to go together. And we were frightened by all our relatives, friends and acquaintances, so that joint childbirth is horror, horror. And what did they have to do with it? This time I unfortunately have to CS. But I don’t even have a thought that my husband won’t go with me. Will definitely go. Otherwise, who will our child be with until I recover from anesthesia and just lie down? It seems to me that if people really love each other, then for them joint birth is natural. And what does the physiological details, appearance and fear of blood have to do with it? When my husband had a terrible allergy, his eye swollen half of his head and he lay under droppers - why should I shy away from him? Yes, and he saw me after
operations from under anesthesia when I moaned, cried and carried all sorts of nonsense. And in old age, the pots may have to be taken out. So what can get divorced in old age? and then the husband will see his wife in an unsightly form! And death is always so scary. But marriage, in principle, should be until the end of life. One of the spouses will still have to bury the other. This is scary. And childbirth = this is a joyful event for the whole family! And what about fashionable... Of course, the word is not suitable, but it may even be good that normal and natural becomes fashionable? That is, joint childbirth, breastfeeding, joint stay in the RD of the child and mother. It's better to let it be fashionable than before when the father saw his child on the 10th day after birth. And my mother brought home a bundle from the RD and only for the first time unwrapped it at home and saw what a newborn baby is like in general.
For some reason, it is generally accepted that joint childbirth is certainly a husband next to the woman in labor from the first contraction to the birth of the placenta. Apparently, this attitude is due to the fact that you have to pay for joint births and people, if they have already paid, want to get EVERYTHING :)) In fact, this is not necessary. You can get exactly as much as you want.
We can choose which phases of labor to go through together, and where to interrupt and separate. In fact, the process of childbirth can last a day and there are no heartbreaking anatomical details in this, the details just take the last minutes :)) And it’s somewhat strange to refuse the support of a loved one, which is needed for many hours, fearing that he will not do something later he will see. On the other hand, it is no less strange to insist on the continuation of the husband's stay next to the woman in labor, if it is already clear to everyone that the birth is getting worse from this. This, by the way, quite happens - the husband interferes with giving birth by the very fact of his presence.
In my opinion, the most important thing is to have maximum opportunities and use them flexibly. Childbirth is not a competition for the best woman in labor and you should not run into an insistent desire to do everything right. This is just a process in which you should listen very carefully to yourself, to your desires, to the course of the whole process. And the main character here is a woman, and the husband is an assistant. If he is needed, it is better for him to be there, if he began to interfere - it is better to leave, if he is needed again - without offense to re-engage in the process. It does not matter, by and large, whether he will observe the process of the birth of a child. It is important how much he provided comfort to his woman during childbirth :))
And if you think carefully in this direction, you can understand that it is impossible to be a supporter or opponent of childbirth with a husband :)) Because these are all just ideas, and ideas are a harmful thing for such subtle processes. If you don’t try, you won’t know what is best for these particular births.
Bullshit is about what is fashionable. Just a normal man and not afraid of such responsibility. To me, my husband really was a reliable oprah and help in all three births. And this despite the fact that he is a very sensitive and impressionable person, and from the sight of blood in any other situation he can easily faint. But during childbirth he was doing well, and he helped me perfectly and cut the umbilical cord. So no arguments will force me to refuse the presence of my husband at childbirth. Yes, and he himself will not refuse, unless some insurmountable circumstances compel him.
About the arguments against.
1. A husband can get in the way not only during childbirth, and what now to kick him out of the house? Mine prevents me from cooking regularly, what to do now ...
2. What does the source of suffering mean? Did you both want Lyalya? And what about the extreme husband?
3. If a family is falling apart from childbirth, then it can fall apart from any situation. Illness, circumstances. And this is a reason.
4. Well, not willows that all men are alarmists and faint from blood ...
5. What anatomical details the husband does not need to know???!! Excuse me, is he doing Lyalya with his eyes closed????
6. Husband sees shaggy... is he shaggy?
7. And if the husband, excuse me, loses sexual interest, then it's called I won't say how, otherwise they'll be moderated ... So he needs a wife like a rubber doll, how did he see something unsightly - so into the bushes?
They do Lyalya together, so why should one wife take the rap during childbirth?!
Fashionable? I think in this matter no one is guided by what is "fashionable"
Comment on the article "Childbirth with a husband: pros and cons"
Discussion
To be honest, I don’t understand why the fuss.
My friend found out in advance by phone. maternity hospital, what tests the husband needs to take (there was a fluorography and more blood for something), my husband and I arrived in advance with an exchange card to the head doctor, showed her husband’s certificates, the head doctor at the exchange office made a note that childbirth with her husband was allowed and EVERYTHING!
After the start of the fights, they rushed to the r / d and the husband was let in without a sound.
Those. all you have to do is choose a r\d and 1 (!) time to come there with your husband.
I have nothing against your husband giving birth with you, but if he has tuberculosis or even a runny nose, then he is not needed. The safety of my child is important to me. So fluorography and hiv-sif-hepatitis hand over. And please come. And so think, because someone can also bring without a husband's certificate, and pick up an infection for a baby, how nefig to do ... And it could be your child ... 3 ugh!
Childbirth with her husband is also different to conduct>. Childbirth with my husband can also be done in different ways: for example, when I moved to the birth chair, they asked me to “go out into the labor room. The husband was categorically against joint childbirth, but it so happened that he himself stayed until the attempts, when he became visible ...
Discussion
IMHO, it's just easier for doctors when a woman gives birth alone, without a husband. all other "excuses" for joint childbirth are far-fetched, by the same doctors. about attraction and divorce - no one is safe from this, and at least it is naive to believe that NOT the presence of a husband at childbirth will somehow help save the family in the future ...
At first, mine beat himself in the chest, that he would go and be present from and to. Now, I see he has changed his mind, he does not insist when I ask, he asks more and more: "do you want"? :)), began to laugh it off that he would get drunk in the nearest restaurant (if not during working hours), in short, I will be without a husband ... If there was a REALLY strong desire, this is one thing, otherwise ... I will be more nervous, yes ... and ...... ..s-I'm shy :))))
It was believed that childbirth is a purely female sacrament, while men do not need to be present. Childbirth with and without a husband. I really wanted to talk about maternity hospitals ... But where to start, not even if the husband remains in the maternity hospital after childbirth to stay with his wife and ...
Discussion
We gave birth free of charge, but by agreement with the doctor. They brought clean sports trousers with them, clean. T-shirt, new slippers. They also gave him a hospital gown. So I gave birth)))))))
08.12.2008 19:49:56, Racing carp*My husband was given clothes in the emergency room, giving birth free of charge in the 1st maternity hospital.
Joint childbirth is wonderful :) We are happy that we survived it together, that the husband did not receive a bag at discharge, but after all, joint childbirth itself does not threaten anything, but situations are well known when a woman cannot give birth in the presence of her husband, or when a man...
Discussion
So.
1) Example one - My uncle. 17 years ago, when it was not yet so common to be present at childbirth, 12 years later, the presence at the birth of a second child was not even discussed, there could not be another! From their experience I can only say positive, the attitude towards the wife and children is more than reverent.
2) My own. At first I thought if I wanted my husband to be there, by the middle of pregnancy I realized that I was afraid without him. The husband was next to the first contraction and before being transferred to the postpartum ward. First, no one says that the husband will observe the process of childbirth from the side of the doctor (my husband came out during examinations, when they sewed me - he came out, during childbirth he was at my head and did not see intimate details). The second - the husband, although he has an idea about the process of childbirth (medical), but began to clearly understand HOW the child gets, hence all the same a more tolerant attitude towards me and the child (this is generally a matter of pride - he was the first to hold her in his arms) :)) )
3) Our friends - a friend did not want to be present at first, a friend wanted to, we had an explanatory conversation, after giving birth together, said that we were definitely right and only give birth together, the result is the same: the attitude is only better.
I DO NOT KNOW negative examples personally :)
joint childbirth, first of all, on
the benefit of the child, and this is the main thing.
If you need advice, here it is: shake your husband strongly, strongly, so that all this gets out of her. My husband goes with me to childbirth. We have a fairly close and trusting relationship, he. My husband, before the first birth, was very strongly opposed to joint ...
Discussion
Wow! The first thought: how did he manage to make two children without the advice of men!? Or there, too, at first listened to different opinions? And they ALLOWED him or APPROVED?! To be honest, I just don’t understand - this is a private matter for each family - in what position to sleep and in what composition to give birth !!! If you need advice, here it is: shake your husband very, very hard so that all this nonsense that he has been told gets out of her. And then sit down alone with YOURSELF and think, or rather, feel, so sit down and feel your love for your wife and for the unborn baby. Then there will be no doubt - to help or not to help them at the most difficult moment!
Wish you luck!
Everyone writes - no need to insist. But why? Indeed, unlike a woman, a man has little idea of what childbirth is, he saw them snatches on TV in a Mexican TV series, where a sweaty aunt, hysterically bulging her eyes, yells like crazy, and then certainly dies. What man wants to see his wife like this? That's where they get off.
I gave birth to two children with my husband. At first, my husband flatly refused, under the pretext that he would not be able to see my suffering. We went to courses, talked to couples who gave birth, watched films about childbirth, but the opinion of other men who were completely delighted with the process and their role in it was decisive. And at first, few people wanted to go to childbirth.
My first birth was long, difficult, but calm in its environment. There was no time and nothing to be afraid of, the "terrible moment" never came, just hard work, step by step. There were no attempts, the child was squeezed out, the husband for 12 years recalls the feeling of how small heels were repelled from his palms before his son was born. He believes that the son was born thanks to his efforts. He sobbed when the child was finally in his arms. Then he thanked me very much that I insisted and convinced him to attend. The husband saw everything, but somehow perceived it as normal.
There was no question for the second birth, of course, that together, they gave birth quickly and simply. Now the husband believes that childbirth without a husband is unrealistic.
In general, all this is just our family IMHO. See for yourself, after all, all people are different. But some people need to be convinced, you can’t immediately give up and lower your paws. Childbirth is happiness, and a man should not be deprived of it so easily. Sometimes you have to be happy :)