Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone has died among relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolence- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the experiences, misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, not to hurt, not to cause even more suffering?

The word condolence speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as " co joint disease". Let this not surprise you. In fact, grief is a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition for a person, and it is well known that "grief shared is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Compassion - joint feeling, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, the presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at comforting the mourner.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving, but in many cases causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon these days. I must say that people in grief subtly feel lies that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and false words in which there is no warmth.

How to Express Condolences:

To express condolences, please consider the following:

• You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, it is quite enough to touch the grieving. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime can also do so. It is enough for them to shake hands with their relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolence.
• It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to back up these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times have understood that their words without deeds can turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organization of the funeral, this is all possible material assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many other types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but also make life easier for the grieving, and also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight, sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate, words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before you go to offer condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both for the person to whom we will bring condolences, and for the deceased himself. It is these resentments and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those whom you are offended by, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

• Before you say words of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or those people) with whom you are going to express condolence are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the right words will come by themselves. You will only have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving. You cannot know the degree of repentance (present and future) of this person or people.

The expression of condolence is not only the sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person says words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly apologize for what you consider yourself guilty of to the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are some examples of verbal condolences. We want to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use exclusively ready-made stamps, because. the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your grief. She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…
• It is very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very happy. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, this has to be experienced. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Forgive me! I grieve with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you. I will gladly help you at any time.

I would like to especially emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pathos, theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on days 9-40 of loss (if mourning is normal). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH Grieving.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences should not be formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases do not sound. It is important to note that in an effort to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made, which not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, disappointment on the part of the grieving. This is because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of common phrases that, according to experts, it is not recommended to say when expressing condolences to a person who is in an acute phase of grief:

You can't "comfort" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died)," You are beautiful, then will you still get married"(if the husband died), etc. is a completely tactless statement for a mourner. He had not yet mourned, had not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he is experiencing the pain of a real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such a “consolation” from a person who may think that in this way he gives hope to a grieving person is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry everything will pass" - people who utter such words of "sympathy" give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to respond to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. A grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or establish himself) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the mourner, and the entire life of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the "sympathizers" themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if a grieving person expresses his grief for several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement that the condoling person imagines as optimistic and even hopeful for the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not see the good yet, he does not strive for it. For now, he doesn't really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And therefore, such empty optimism will annoy him rather than help.

« It's bad, but time heals.”- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it himself can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and alms, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the mourner when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing a loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed with time. He thinks it will always be like this. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let's give a metaphor: for example, a child hit hard, is in severe pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

It is impossible, when expressing condolences, to pronounce wishes to the mourner, which are oriented to the future. For example, “I wish you to go to work faster”, “I hope that you will soon restore your health”, “I wish you to recover quickly after such a tragedy”, etc. First, these forward-looking wishes are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see yet. So, these phrases will go, at best, into the void. But it is possible that the mourner will perceive this as your call to him to end his mourning, which he simply physically cannot do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the mourner.

It is impossible to find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, suggesting positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - most often also does not console the grieving. The bitterness of loss from this does not become less, a person perceives what happened as a disaster

“That's better for him. He was sick and exhausted" Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the mourner acknowledges the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke a grieving resentment towards the departed - "You feel good now, you do not suffer, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of mourning can be a source of guilt in the mourner.

Often, when expressing condolences, such statements are made: “It’s good that the mother didn’t get hurt”, “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be said to the grieving. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce the pain of a person from loss. Of course, he understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Everyone knows that it is impossible to console a victim of a fire with the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are worse off than you"(it happens even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which a condolence tries to compare the grieving with the one, “ who is worse off." At the same time, he relies on the fact that the grieving person will understand from this comparison that his loss is not the worst, which can be even harder, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable approach. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everything around is bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the bitterest. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can't look for "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go”, etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which then will have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the "guilty", "extreme" in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (put on trial)”, “these terrible doctors should be judged. These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of a guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all alleviate the pain of loss. Punishing the guilty person in death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements introduce the mourner into a state of intense aggression against the person responsible for the death of a loved one. But experts in grief know that a grieving person can turn aggression against the guilty person at any moment on himself, than to make himself even worse. So you should not pronounce such phrases, kindling a fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave, God took"- another frequently used "comfort", which actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person to God. It must be understood that a person who is in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not be relieved by what God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that, by offering to shift the blame to God in this way, one can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is just an appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties appear for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such a condolence addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like this” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding a grieving person of the shortcomings of a person who has died not only does not console, but, on the contrary, makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolences” in this way, completely undeservedly puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, thinking a lot about himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation, evaluation is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences" it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, it's either good, or nothing."

Other Common Mistakes When Expressing Condolences

Often condoling say the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who experiences it. And the soul of everyone hurts too especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced such a thing. You should not compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did it happen?" “Where did it happen?”, “And what did he say before his death?”. This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that you cannot talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily survive the grief - “You know that I feel bad too”, “When my mother died, I also almost lost my mind "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father also died, ”etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of sorrow and pain can occur, a mutual induction, which not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, for a person it is a small consolation that others are also bad.

Often condolences are expressed with phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you need to do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when the call was practically the only understandable form of address to a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obligated to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality, play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. wolfelt also gives the following advice on what NOT to do when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of the grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the failures of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait until he gets back to normal.

It is impossible to move away from a person, depriving him of his support, to ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to be imposed, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving. Don't ignore him, but go and talk to him.

You can not be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Often sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of the grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you can not show that you are scared and move away from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to speak to those who are grieving without touching their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have any result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring their feelings. If you talk to a person without touching his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in arms, grab hands). Sometimes condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the mourner. Strong manifestations of emotions, squeezing in an embrace.

Condolence: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules say that "often about death loved one Notify not only relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemorations, but also comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, stay close to the grieving, offer help, comfort.

But people who were not at the mourning ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When attending a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary during a condolence visit to discuss any other issues not related to death, to talk tactlessly on abstract topics, recalling funny stories, or to discuss official problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they have suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for some reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent.

Written expression of condolence

How to express condolences in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant for the topic “Ideological Aspects of Life”, writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and the nobility, one can find samples of consolatory letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of notice, love, instructive, imperative. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolence, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. Here is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of his son's death, and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad—one must read these heartfelt letters in order to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with another's grief could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who then served as governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the king. The tsar wrote to his old father to comfort him, and, among other things, he wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve to the extent possible, but it’s impossible not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't get angry." The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: "Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us.(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means not only of transmitting information, but also of expressing feelings, emotions, assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech turns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows you to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, circle of friends and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more of an emotional assessment of the event of death that had occurred, rather than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually comforting letters. They were often in response to a letter of notice. But even if the mourner did not send a letter of notice of the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemoration of the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, receded into the background in secular society. The topic of death to some extent passed into the category of taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy has also been lost; there is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of consolation have moved into the category of formal etiquette, but have not completely left the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called "Letters" began to be published to help those writing on a difficult topic. These were guides on writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, examples of letters, phrases and expressions were given for various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. "Comforting letters" - one of the sections of the letters, giving advice on how to support the grieving, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of reassurance necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th-century scribes, The General Secretary, or the new complete scribe. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
letters of consolation “In this kind of writing, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no most commendable custom how to console each other in sorrows. Fate brings us so many misfortunes that we would act inhumanly if we did not mutually give such relief to each other. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in excess in her sadness, then instead of suddenly holding back the first of her tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer, to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than mourn over someone's death, it is better to leave such lively ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adjust to the secret feelings of their heart in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to spread and to leave great condolences. In other cases it is possible to speak at greater length about disasters inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us suffer in this life? Weakness makes you work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! I have the honor to write this letter to you, not in order to relieve you of your lamentation, for your sorrow is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and all that depends on me, or rather, to mourn in common with you. the death of your beloved husband. He was a friend to me and proved his friendship by innumerable good deeds. Consider, madam, whether I have no reason to regret him and to join my tears with your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can comfort my sorrow but complete submission to the will of God. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, yet it is necessary to console yourself with his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-term pleasure here. Honor him with eternal content in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Amuse yourself with the upbringing of your children, in whom you see him come to life. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying about him together with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he gained love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my sovereign! Your…"

The tradition of condolence has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is similar in all respects to past centuries. Today, as before, we can observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The embarrassment experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the theme of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more of an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist today, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "writers."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death of... She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and good disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once ... . She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

On the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his frugality, love of life and how reverently he cared for you, it seems to me that I also knew him. I think a lot of people will miss it. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you shared your memories of your dad. I think of you and your family.

On the death of a child

… We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept our sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1 I was deeply saddened by the news of the death of (name) and I want to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep regret at his/her passing.

Example 2 It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey my condolences to you on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3 I would like to express to you our deepest feelings on the death of Ms. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4 We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of Mr....

Example 5 It was a great shock for us to hear the news of the sudden death of Mr.

Example 6 We find it hard to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

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We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and festive events. But there are events of a tragic nature - the death of a loved one, for example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss, for the majority such events are beyond acceptance and awareness.

People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely feel insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to calm it down, accept it, reconcile it, but in no case add pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word, an incorrect phrase.

You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing a delicate understanding, than to cause additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, hook on nerves overloaded with experiences.

We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation where a person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to condole and find words that make the person feel your support and sincere sympathy.

We must take into account the existing differences in condolences.

The form of expressing condolences for the loss will vary:

• Grandparents, relative;
• mother or father;
• brother or sister;
• son or daughter - child;
• husband or wife;
• boyfriend or girlfriend;
• colleagues, employee.

Because the depth of experiences varies.

Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person's feelings about what happened:

• Imminent death due to old age;
• inevitable death due to serious illness;
• premature, sudden death;
• tragic death, accident.

But there is the main, general condition, independent of the cause of the death that has come - the genuine sincerity of the expression of your grief.

The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.

In this article, we will give samples and examples of various forms of expressing condolences, we will help you choose mournful words.

You will need:

Form and method of submission

Condolences will have distinctive features in form and method of presentation, depending on their purpose.

Purpose:

1. Personal condolences to family and friends.
2. Official individual or collective.
3. Obituary in the newspaper.
4. Farewell words of mourning at the funeral.
5. Funeral words at the wake: for 9 days, for the anniversary.

Submission method:

The timeliness factor is important, so the postal delivery method should only be used to send a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to express your condolences is to use modern communication tools: email, Skype, Viber ... but they are suitable for confident Internet users, and these should be not only senders, but also recipients.

Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is acceptable only if there are no other opportunities for contact with a person, or if the status of your relationship is a distant acquaintance or formal friendship. Follow this link for different occasions.

Submission form:

In writing:

• Telegram;
• email;
• electronic postcard;
• an obituary is a piece of mourning in a newspaper.

In oral form:

• In a telephone conversation;
• in person.

In prose: Suitable for both written and verbal expression of grief.
In verse: Suitable for writing mourning.

Important highlights

All verbal condolences should be short in form.

• Official condolences are more delicately expressed in writing. For this, a heartfelt verse is more suitable, to which you can pick up a photo of the deceased, corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
• Personal individual condolences must be exclusive, and can be expressed both verbally and in writing.
• For the dearest and closest people, it is important to express or write mournful condolences in your sincere words, not formal, therefore, not stereotyped.
• Since verses are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will prompt you with words of comfort and support.
• Not only words of condolence should be sincere, but also an offer of any help that you can afford: financial, organizational.

Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to keep in your memory forever as a model: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty.…

This will be an individual part of condolence, the main part of which can be formulated according to the approximate model proposed in our article.

Universal mournful texts

1. “Let the earth rest in peace” - this is a traditional ritual phrase that is said after a completed burial, it can be a condolence at a wake, suitable even for atheists.
2. "We all mourn your irreparable loss."
3. "Unspeakable pain from loss."
4. "Sincerely condolences and sympathy for your grief."
5. “Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a loved one.”
6. “Let us keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased wonderful person.”

Help can be offered in the following ways:

• “We are ready to share the burden of your grief, to be close to you and provide the necessary all possible assistance to you and your family.”
• “Surely, you will need to solve a lot of questions. You can count on us, accept our help."

On the death of mother, grandmother

1. "The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief."
2. "The bright memory of her will forever be in our hearts."
3. “How much we did not have time to tell her during her lifetime!”
4. "We sincerely mourn and condole with you at this bitter moment."
5. "Hold on! In memory of her. She wouldn't want to see you in despair."

On the death of a husband, father, grandfather

• “I offer my sincere condolences and express my deep sympathy for the death of a loved one who was a reliable support for you and your family.”
• “In memory of this strong man, you must show resilience and wisdom in order to survive this grief and continue what he did not have time to complete.”
• "We will carry a bright and kind memory of him through our lives."

On the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one

1. “It hurts to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Everlasting memory!"
2. “Let me express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of a heavy, irreparable loss!”
3. “Now you have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hold on!”
4. “God help you survive and endure the pain of this loss!”
5. “For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look to the future.”
6. "Death does not take away love, your love is immortal!"
7. "Blessed memory of a wonderful person!"
8. "He will forever remain in our hearts!"

If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the recipient.

On the death of a colleague

• “We have worked side by side over the past few years. He was an excellent colleague and an example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom and honesty. May the earth rest in peace for you!
• “Her/his dedication to her work earned her/him the respect and love of all who knew her/him. He/She will forever remain in my memory.”
• “You were a wonderful collaborator and friend. How we will miss you. May the earth rest in peace for you!
• "I can't bear the thought that you're gone. It seems like only recently we were drinking coffee, discussing work and laughing ... I will miss you, your advice and crazy ideas very much.

On the death of a believer

The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but an Orthodox Christian should add:

• ritual phrase:

"Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!"
"God is merciful!"

My dear, I am very sorry for your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!
My friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- A wonderful man is gone. My condolences to you, my dear, and to all your family at this sad and difficult moment.
This tragedy hurt all of us. But of course, it touched you the most. Accept my condolences.

How to condole in Islam (Muslims)?

It is Sunnah to express condolences in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to accept condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to call people who have suffered misfortune to patience and contentment with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be said when expressing condolences are: "May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your deceased)."

How to condole over the phone?

In the case when the words of condolence are pronounced over the phone, then you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “Let the earth rest in peace!”. If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then it is convenient to complete the words of condolence with this phrase, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be helpful. Count on me to call anytime!

How do you deal with a person who is bereaved?

It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, passing through someone else's suffering. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally, deliberately. One way to deal with loss is to talk about it repeatedly. In this case, strong emotions will react. You need to listen carefully to the person, answer his questions if necessary. Allowing a person to express his emotions, experiences. It can be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You don't judge, you just listen carefully, you're there. Tactile contact is possible, that is, a person can be hugged, taken by the hand, the child can be put on his knees.

Not 5

We all know that life does not stand still, some leave it, others come into this world. Each of us has faced the fact that someone with friends or relatives was dying, so all normal people consider it necessary to support a person in this difficult moment, express their condolences, and help in some way. But it is not always possible to do this in person, you need to write a letter of condolence. How to write a condolence letter let's try to figure it out, because this must be done carefully so as not to cause even more suffering, not to injure, not to offend.

Verbal condolences to the grieving

This way of expressing condolences is the most common. Oral condolences are expressed to acquaintances, relatives, neighbors, colleagues, friends, those who are closest to the deceased by friendly, family ties. Condolences are verbally expressed at a wake, funeral in person.

For verbal condolences, the most important condition is that it should not be empty and formal, condolences must be spoken with sincere sympathy and an open soul. Otherwise, condolence becomes a formal empty ritual that does not help the grieving, but rather adds even more pain. And unfortunately, this happens quite often these days. Therefore, it is important to express verbal condolences as sincerely as possible, and not to speak false and empty words that do not feel warm.

To verbally express sympathy, you need to consider the following:

Feel free to express your feelings;
Know that condolences are expressed not only in words. It happens that it is simply impossible to find the right words, but condolences can be expressed by simply touching the grieving, hugging, taking by the hand;
When expressing condolences, it is very important not only to choose comforting, sincere words, but also to support these words with an offer of all possible help.

Therefore, when you express your condolences, do not hesitate to ask the grieving person how you can help in this situation. This will give your condolences sincerity and weight.

How to choose the right words for condolences

It is not always easy to find the exact, sincere, right words to express condolences. How to choose them correctly? There are some rules here.

At all times people prayed before how to express condolences. This is important, because in this situation it is difficult to find kind words. Prayer calms, helps to find sincere words. Before expressing condolences, we recommend praying. This will not take much time, you can pray anywhere, in any place, it will not cause harm, but it will bring many benefits.

In addition, we may have a grudge against the person to whom we will express condolences. It is understatement and resentment that prevent sincere expression of words of consolation. So that this does not interfere, you need to forgive those whom you are offended by in prayer, and then the necessary words will be found by themselves.

To express condolences, you need to remember the good moments from the life of the deceased, something good that the deceased did for you, remember what he could teach you, the joys that he brought you. This will make it much easier to find the right words.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's analyze the most common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the mourner, thereby risking causing even more severe mental pain.

As mentioned earlier, the most important condolence should not be formal. It is necessary to try not to write or speak general, insincere words. In addition, when expressing condolences, it is important that tactless, meaningless, banal and empty phrases do not sound. It should be noted that, trying in any way to console a person who has lost a loved one, one can make gross mistakes that can become a source of disappointment, resentment, aggression, and misunderstanding on the part of the sufferer. The fact is that a grieving person psychologically in the shock stage of grief feels, perceives and experiences everything differently. Therefore, in order to properly express condolences The main thing is to avoid major mistakes.

A few common phrases that are not recommended when expressing condolences.

The future cannot be "comforted"

If a child has died, you can’t say: “Time will pass, you will still have children.” If the husband died - "You are beautiful, you will arrange your life and get married." For the mourner, these are completely tactless statements. At this time, he is usually not interested in future prospects, he is experiencing a heavy loss. Therefore, such a “comfort”, which gives hope to the grieving, is in reality terribly stupid and tactless.

"Everything will pass, don't cry"- people who pronounce such words of “sympathy” give the grieving absolutely wrong attitudes. Thanks to such attitudes, a grieving person may think that crying is bad. And this can negatively affect the somatic, psycho-emotional state of the mourner. But if a person has been constantly crying for more than a year, then this is an occasion to turn to specialists, but if several months have passed since the loss, then such a state of the mourner is quite natural.

"Everything's gonna Be Alright, do not worry" is an empty statement that the person who commiserates presents as optimistic and hopeful to the one who is grieving. It should be understood that a person experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. At the moment, he does not see the good, much less strive for it. The sufferer has not yet mourned the loss, has not come to terms with it, and cannot imagine his life without a dear and close person. Consequently, such senseless optimism will irritate him rather than help and reassure him.

"Time cures"- another banal phrase that neither the person pronouncing it nor the grieving person can understand. Alms, deeds of mercy, good deeds, prayer, God can heal the soul, but not time. A person can get used to and adapt over time. In any case, it is pointless to say to the mourner. For him, time has stopped, the pain is still too acute, and as long as he is experiencing a loss, he does not make plans for the future, he does not believe that time can change anything.

You can not devalue the loss and find positive moments in the tragedy

Suggesting positive conclusions from the loss, rationalizing the positive aspects of death, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the one who died, or something positive in the loss - often does not console the mourner either. From this, the pain of loss does not become weaker, a person perceives what happened as a catastrophe.

“He was seriously ill, his torment was over. It will be better for him." It is best to avoid such phrases. On the part of the grieving person, this can cause rejection and aggression. Even if the mourner agrees with this statement, the pain of loss still does not become easier for him. He also painfully and acutely experiences the pain of loss.

When expressing condolences, such phrases are often heard: “It’s hard, but your children are still growing”, “It’s good that the mother didn’t suffer”. Grieving such statements should not be said. In such expressions, arguments are made that the pain of the peri cannot lessen. Of course, he understands that everything could be much worse, but even this cannot console him. The dead father will not be replaced by the mother, and the second child will not replace the first. Any person understands that it is impossible to console a victim of a fire with the fact that the car remained, even though the house burned down.

You can't look for "extreme"

When expressing condolences, in no case should one mention or say that the death could have been somehow prevented: “I should have sent him to the doctor”, “I should have paid more attention to the symptoms”, “This could not have been happen if he had stayed at home”, etc.

Usually such statements in a person who suffers grief cause additional feelings of guilt, and this may negatively affect his psychological state in the future. This is a fairly common mistake for those who write a condolence letter. The reason for this is that we do in this situation to find the "extreme", "guilty" of death.

Another attempt to find the "guilty" instead of express condolences, are the following assertion expressions: “The police will find the killer and will definitely punish him”, “Such doctors should be tried”, “This driver should be put on trial or even killed” etc. Such judgments (whether unfair or just) shift the blame to a third party. But solidarity in bad feelings towards the “extreme” will not help alleviate the pain of loss in any way. There is no need to utter such phrases, they can incite aggression, condemnation and hatred in a grieving person. speak or write a letter of condolence need only with words of sympathy for the grieving. You can also say or write good words in relation to the deceased.

Another expression that is quite common is: "God gave, God took." In reality, it cannot console the suffering person in any way, but, on the contrary, shifts the blame for the death of a person to God. A grieving person in this state is not interested in the question of who is to blame for the death of a loved one. In the worst case, such an expression can cause in a person unkind feelings and aggression towards God.

“You know, he liked to drink a lot”, “He sinned a lot, that’s why it happened”, “He loved drugs, and this is a natural end for the people's commissar”. Sometimes, people expressing condolences try to find the extreme, the guilty one in the behavior, actions, lifestyle of the deceased. In such cases, unfortunately, the desire to find someone to blame prevails over elementary ethics and over the human mind. The mourner does not need to be reminded of the shortcomings of the deceased, this not only does not comfort, but also makes it even worse, the tragedy becomes more tragic, the mourner feels even more guilty, which causes even more pain.

I would like to note that “consolation” by assessment, condemnation when expressing oral condolences or in a letter of condolence is categorically unacceptable. To prevent this, you must always remember that "About the dead, either nothing, or only good."

More Common Mistakes When Expressing Condolences

The phrase: “I understand how difficult and difficult it is for you” is the most common mistake. It's not true when you say you know and understand the other person's emotions. Even if you have been in a similar situation and experienced similar feelings, you are still mistaken. Each person is an individual, so everyone's feelings are different. Do not compare feelings, you cannot experience the same as a mourner. Be tactful and respect the feelings of the bereaved.

In a letter of condolence, as well as in a verbal condolence, it is categorically not recommended to ask questions like: “How did this happen?”, “Did he say something before his death?” etc. This is tactless curiosity, not condolences.

It is also bad when, trying to express condolences, people begin to cite themselves as an example of how they experienced the tragedy: “I also felt bad, but I managed”, “I almost went crazy when my mother died” etc. In some cases, this can help when your loved one is suffering, and you have a great desire to support and help him. But in general, to show your sadness, you should not talk about your grief.

What not to do when communicating with a person experiencing grief

Do not take it as a personal offense if the grieving person refuses the offered help or does not want to talk. It should be understood that at this stage, the grieving may be passive, inattentive and not always the right attitude to the situation. Therefore, do not rush to draw conclusions, be merciful to him, wait until his condition returns to normal.

It cannot be ignored, and they will move away from a person, thereby depriving him of his support. A person who is in grief may take it in such a way that you do not want to communicate with him, as a negative attitude towards him, rejection. If you are modest and afraid to seem intrusive, take into account the feelings of the grieving and try to explain to him.

You can not leave the situation and be afraid of intense emotions. Not infrequently, people who sympathize are frightened by the atmosphere that has developed around, the strong emotions of those who are grieving. But in no case should you step back from these people and show that you are scared. Grieving people may also misunderstand this.

Condolences - rules and etiquette

About the death of a loved one, according to the rules of etiquette, not only relatives and close friends, who often take part in organizing funerals and commemorations, but also old acquaintances and comrades are notified. How to express condolences– pay a visit to relatives or participate in a funeral? It all depends on the level of your closeness to this family and on your capabilities.

If you cannot attend the funeral ceremony, then you must definitely express your condolences. It is better to pay your visit not for the first time in the days after the funeral, but during the first few weeks. When going to a condolence visit or to a funeral, wear a dark suit or dress. During a condolence visit, you do not need to discuss issues that are not related to death, discuss work problems, tactlessly recall funny stories, talk about extraneous topics. If, for some reason, a person cannot make a personal visit, then it is imperative to write a letter of condolence, send an SMS message, email or telegram.

Letters of condolence can be divided into three groups:

Group one Letters announcing the death of a loved one. As a rule, they are sent to friends and relatives of the deceased.

Second group- comforting letters. They are a response to the letter of the first group.

Third group- A letter in response to a letter of consolation. An integral part of mourning etiquette and written communication.

Condolence letter. How to write a condolence letter- it all depends on your sincerity and real desire to support a person in a difficult period of his life. Expressing condolences is more of an element of etiquette than an open need to show empathy.

Sample letter of condolence for death

The life of every person is filled with joyful and tragic events to varying degrees. With the expression of emotions, understanding and perception of happy holidays and positive life situations, most do not have any difficulties. But at the same time, it can be difficult for some to find a few sincere words of condolence for a colleague, friend or loved one.

Psychological moment when expressing sympathy

An accidentally expressed tactless or inappropriate expression can unbalance a person who has recently experienced a tragic loss. Most often, people at such a moment are overwhelmed with unbearable pain and emotionally unstable. Some time must always pass for a person to accept this pain, be able to cope with it and come to terms with the event.

Some need peace and solitude for a certain period, while others need sincere condolences for their loss. Many of the people who have experienced such grief begin to acutely feel the falseness and pretense from sympathizers, so it is worth behaving as tactfully as possible and not saying too much.

The meaning of condolences

The phrase “accept our sincere condolences” remains universal to this day, it is quite suitable for expressing grief for any reason. Of course, speaking even such a general and short phrase (however, like any other) must be absolutely sincere. By itself, the word "condolence" can be read as "condolence" or "joint illness."

Similarly with sympathy, that is, a joint feeling. The meaning of offering condolences is to formally, as it were, share grief with the mourner and take part of his pain and suffering on his own shoulders. A more general meaning also implies the provision of any feasible assistance to a person in order to somehow reduce his suffering. In many cultures, it is believed that actions speak much more than words - this unwritten rule applies to this situation as well as possible.

What should be considered when sympathizing with the mourner?

In addition to sincerity, it is worth preparing to be patient, restrained and attentive to the person who has suffered the loss. In some cases, it is better to maintain a delicate silence than to rush through with words of consolation. Even after offering the most sincere condolences to the mourner, it will never be superfluous to ask him if he needs any help, and by his appearance to demonstrate his full readiness to provide the necessary support in difficult times.

Words spoken from the bottom of the heart can become a real balm for the soul for the relatives and friends of the deceased. And a few grandiloquent phrases, uttered only for the sake of appearances, only offend those present.

condolence form

Depending on certain circumstances, the relationship with the grieving people and the general nature of the event, a person expresses sincere condolences in various forms. Examples of condolence forms are:

• obituaries in newspaper columns;
• official collective or personal condolences;
• uttering a mourning speech or a few words at a funeral;
• a mourning speech on a specific occasion, such as an anniversary or 9 days from the date of the tragedy;
• individual offering of condolences to the relatives and friends of the deceased.

It is worth noting that the poetic form is more suitable for the written form of expressing grief, and prose is appropriate both in writing and in oral form of condolences.

Methods for giving condolences

The modern world suggests a somewhat expanded number of communication options for offering condolences. Telegrams in the mail, which were ubiquitous literally 30 years ago, have now supplanted instant messengers, social networks and video chats. Even e-mail perfectly replaces (at least in speed of delivery and convenience) outdated mail.

Sometimes one SMS with the text “accept my sincere condolences, be strong” is enough. Nevertheless, it is recommended to send such messages only if only a formal relationship or distant acquaintance is associated with the mourner.

Social media and condolences

The pages of the deceased people on social networks like VK were often used as a kind of place for offering condolences. You can often see on the wall of such an account messages like “please accept my sincere condolences, hold on.” Sometimes relatives or friends of a deceased person are accepted to keep the page going further, periodically updating statuses and responding to users' personal messages.

How ethical all this is is the subject of ongoing debate. It is generally accepted that relatives themselves have the right to decide whether they need to delete the page of the deceased. In addition, only relatives can apply to the administration of the social network with a request to delete such an account. To do this, they will also need to provide scans or photographs of documents confirming the death.

Interestingly, in addition to accounts, it is customary to create entire groups in memory of any tragic events with mass casualties, whether it be terrorist attacks, catastrophes or natural disasters. Everyone who wants to discuss the tragedy and offer their condolences on the walls of such groups.

What to look for when you offer condolences?

It is better to compose the text of a speech or a letter of condolence for the closest and dearest people in your own words, you do not need to use a lot of template and on-duty formulations. Oral mournful speech should not be too long, although one phrase “accept our sincere condolences” will clearly not be enough for a full-fledged speech.

Bringing official condolences is usually done in writing, where it is appropriate to use a poetic syllable, designed in conjunction with several photographs of the deceased. A penetrating poem can be taken from famous authors. If you wish, you can, of course, write your own poems, but they must be consistent in style and relevant in content so as not to offend the memory of the departed person.

Your personal condolences are encouraged both in writing and orally. The only requirement is exclusivity, you should not take the first text that comes across on the Web. At the very least, it is worth at least making your own edits and supplementing it. It is advisable to recall the distinctive character traits of the deceased, to emphasize his virtues such as honesty, wisdom, responsiveness, kindness, optimism, hard work or love of life.

Universal Template Phrases

To offer condolences, there are a number of well-established phrases and expressions:

• "We all mourn your irreparable loss."
• "Please accept our sincere condolences."
• "Let's keep a bright memory in our hearts about a wonderful person who left us untimely."
• "We sincerely sympathize and condole with your grief."

In the future, you can offer all possible financial assistance or the organization of related events with the following phrases:

• “You can count on us for any assistance. We will help you deal with all the upcoming issues.
• “We will help you get through this grief, support you and provide the necessary assistance to your family.”

If the deceased was a believing Orthodox Christian during his lifetime, then it would be absolutely appropriate to add the expressions to the mournful speech:

Common Mistakes in Offering Condolences

At times, words of comfort can only bring more pain when people make very common mistakes in composing verbal and written condolences. The most acute stage of suffering in loved ones and relatives normally lasts from 9 to 40 days. It is during this period that you need to be extremely careful and attentive to your own words.

If the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” is very general and neutral-positive, then a number of other expressions are simply not acceptable for cases of loss of a loved one. An example is the phrase “you are pretty (cute) and you will definitely get married (get married)”, said to a widow or widower, respectively. It is equally tactless to say “it's okay, give birth to a new one” to the parents of a deceased child. The general rule for the prohibition of such phrases is that the future cannot “comfort” a grieving person who has experienced a terrible loss. During the heightened stage of grief, the mourner is usually unable to think about his own prospects, he can only feel pain and loss in the present.

Looking for the positive in death is bad form. Such expressions of words of consolation should always be avoided. Phrases like “it will be better for him there, he has suffered”, “at least his father is still alive”, “you still have other children after all” can have exactly the opposite effect - cause sincere rejection and aggression from a grieving person. The second aspect is that such phrases can cause resentment against the deceased, who, unlike the mourner, no longer suffers. In the future, such reflections can lead to a full-fledged guilt complex in the mourner.

Other unacceptable phrases when pronouncing words of comfort

Some say “please accept my most sincere condolences” and then add that they understand how the mourner is now. Such phrases usually sound like this: “I perfectly understand and know how hard it is for you now.” As a rule, this is not true and in some cases may even offend the grieving person. It's much more appropriate to say something along the lines of "I can only guess how bad you feel."

Questions about the incident, finding out the details and details of death immediately after offering condolences is extremely inappropriate. The mourner himself will tell everything - when he is ready for it. Talking about your own difficulties and problems does not make any sense and is absolutely disrespectful to a grieving person.

General Etiquette for Offering Condolences

A few simple rules will help you understand how best to behave in this situation:

• It is impossible to speak with a mourner in an overly delicate and courteous way, avoiding touching his feelings. Logical messages in this situation are meaningless. On the contrary, there is no need to be afraid of a flurry of emotions and step back.
• A grieving person may refuse to talk or offer help. It is unlikely that this should be regarded as a personal insult, most likely, the person did not want to offend anyone, but it is difficult for him to gather himself and perceive everything correctly.
• You should not move away from the mourner yourself and look for a way out and avoid the current situation. Excessive modesty should not become an obstacle to communication, it is worth at least expressing elementary words of consolation like “accept sincere condolences for the loss.”

As already written above, the golden rule of a good mournful speech or written consolation of the mourners is the genuine sincerity of someone who wants to help with a kind word and express his good intentions.