Male look. Trust or Verify? Male gaze Climbed into his phone

Trust in a relationship is a very sensitive issue. It can disappear at any moment. So it happened in our pair. Once I found on my husband's phone his frank correspondence with his ex. Of course, I immediately wanted to leave, but a psychologist friend advised me not to panic, but to continue to observe his behavior.

Family idyll

We have been married for three years now, and our son just turned one year old. Of course, we were filled with mutual love when we got married. My husband turned out to be very attentive and affectionate. Love has always reigned in our relationship. Despite his young age, he is only 25, he fully provides us with the child.

Recently, however, I suspected my husband of being unfaithful. Because of the annoying life, scandals began. Of course, this was often my own fault. The tension in the family grew like a snowball, and gradually I began to feel how my husband was moving away from me. We moved to another apartment, he got a new job and it got worse. He started arriving very late and constantly hid his phone, although he had not done this before.

Frank correspondence with the former

Of course, this behavior of my husband alarmed me. Once I nevertheless climbed into his phone and, of course, found a frank correspondence with my ex. This is not the first time this has happened. The husband, of course, explains this by the fact that he is tired of endless scandals. However, she does not plan to part with me. Convinces me that there was nothing between them, except for this correspondence.

We agreed that we would try to live as before. My husband gives me his phone again, but more and more I catch myself thinking that trust has disappeared between us. I constantly remember this correspondence and understand that for a long time he lied to me. I start asking if he’s lying this time, and the scandal begins again. No matter how I try to restrain myself, we have such clashes all the time.

I could not stand it and turned to my friend, a psychologist. Here's what she advised me.

As I expected, trust in a relationship plays a very important role. It is extremely difficult to restore it. However, if a man insists that he has not dated his ex, this indicates that he wants to keep the family together. This means that the other woman matters less to him.

A friend said that our scandals now are normal, because a difficult period has come in our relationship. It's hard for me to trust him again.

With a mutual desire to save the family, you will have to put up with the presence of this frank correspondence. However, the psychologist insists that there is no need to leave immediately. On the contrary, you need to observe the behavior of a man. He will try to prevent this situation from happening again if he really wants to stay with me.

The psychologist also drew attention to the fact that such correspondence does not arise by chance. If the husband refers to the fact that the wife and her scandals are to blame for everything, he simply shifts the responsibility for his behavior onto her. The real reason may lie elsewhere. Perhaps he simply did not have enough attention after the birth of the child.However, he cannot say this directly and blames his own wife for everything.

Question to the psychologist:

I have been dating a man for a year. 7 years older than me. I have very tender feelings for him. Once, during our meeting, he talked to me on the phone with a woman for a long time, the conversation seemed to be businesslike, but beyond formality, I felt that she was flirting with him ... I just choked with jealousy .. He turned away for a minute, I took his phone and answered her to get behind him. When he found out all this, he became enraged. He called him a fool. In a raised voice, he began to talk about the fact that there was nothing to go into his phone, and he did not climb into mine .... And that she was many years older than him .. But this woman began to send him an entertainment video, and he was with me kept in touch with her, and I was there, but like an empty space .. I love him very much, I value relationships. We live in different cities, the meetings are warm, emotional. He is caring and attentive, and after this incident he himself was the first to talk. But he really didn't like my trick. I myself understand that it was necessary to restrain myself. There was a thought that I completely ruined everything .. Tell me, because he was wrong, that he was chatting in front of me, it is not very beautiful. Yes, I made myself worse, but at least this woman will know that he has me. He has nothing with her, he lives far away and purely business relations. It also hurt me that he allows himself to shout at me, although I do not allow myself to do so. He has a hard work, he is at work almost around the clock .. In general, I think, his reaction offended, and surprised ... As if I recognized him from the other side .. Is the society of that woman more important to him than our relationship? Some questions ... Thank you in advance for your answer, I will heed your advice.

The question is answered by the psychologist Matrosova Anna Alekseevna.

Dear Olga.

The relationship between a man and a woman is one of the important topics in the life of any person, because it is inherent in each person by nature itself. To have a happy and harmonious relationship, you need to create it. Your letter is a step towards that relationship.

Let's analyze your situation. You write “I just choked with jealousy,” that is, you forbade yourself to experience the negative feelings that have arisen. Suppressed natural reaction. If you do not express such feelings as anger, resentment, anger, etc., then our body accumulates them and the consequence - various diseases. Therefore, the negative should be expressed, only constructively. For example i-message. For example: when you are chatting with a woman I don't know (description of a specific situation or action), I feel angry, upset (tell me how you feel) I would like you to ... (tell me what you expect from him).

Next, I suggest you calmly think about what caused the feeling of jealousy. A woman you have not seen or heard, what she says or something in the behavior of your man. There are questions and a topic for discussion here.

By picking up the phone, judging by the reaction of your man, you violated his personal boundaries. Apparently your relationship is not yet close enough to answer his phone calls without permission. But this can also be discussed. In my opinion, an open dialogue is the basis for harmonious relationships. For violation of its boundaries - a response (anger and aggression), expressed by shouting and calling names. Those. your man should also learn to express his feelings calmly, without offending his soul mate. Relationships build TWO.

The phrase "tell me, because he is wrong ...". Analyze this phrase. You ask a stranger whether your man is right or wrong. What do you think? After all, truth, like everything else in our world, is a relative concept. This is your relationship and only you can decide whether this behavior is acceptable in your relationship. Are you ready to continue to allow similar behavior of your man? If not, discuss what happened using the i-message.

Difficulties arise in any relationship, but when TWO people communicate, they want to find a solution that suits both and all this happens calmly without screaming, quarrels and fights, then these people have every chance of success in creating harmonious relationships. I believe that you, Olga, will succeed, and your questions (of which there are many) are the path to self-improvement. Good luck.

We all found ourselves in such a situation - he was in the shower and forgot the phone in the room. Tempting? And how! And what should you do?

Yes, on the one hand, you will be sure that he is faithful to you (or you will finally find out the bitter truth), but on the other hand ... no one wants to feel embarrassed if they are caught. And yet - don't you think that if you are so worried about what is on his phone, then you need to decide something: go to self-esteem courses or end a relationship with a person you don't trust?

We found out from a psychologist what to do, if you are tempted to look into his correspondence and check who he called at two in the morning.

The mobile phone today is our integral part, one might say, the “phantom hand” and even the “phantom brain”. It has become an extension of our body, and we are afraid to let go of it. He keeps everything in himself! And getting into someone else's phone is dangerous. Before you do this, answer yourself the questions: are you ready to face what might be there? What will you do if you find provocative information?

On the other hand, if a person who swears in love has password-protected phones, iPads and goes to wash with him, it’s probably worth thinking that something is going wrong. In this case, it makes sense to clarify the situation. Openly ask what is so secret in the phone that the person protects it so much. And most importantly, there must be a balance: if your phone is open, so is your partner's, and vice versa. From my own experience, I can say that sometimes a meaningless SMS that you read can become a trigger for the destruction of a family. Everything is individual. Often, women who want to take a man away specifically send SMS at a time when the man is relaxed so that the wife can hear. For example, at night. If you automatically react negatively, it means that she managed to unbalance you, and, as they say, if you want to deprive a person of success, deprive him of balance.

The more unlucky husbands contrive, who decide to go to the left or are still just looking in this direction, the more sophisticated their partners become in an attempt to bring hubby to clean water.

Different couples deal with personal boundaries differently. Some acquire shared pages on social networks and calmly, while others may be offended by trying to get into their personal space, rummaging through someone else's phone without asking. At the same time, in either case, you can hide the correspondence from another partner - there would be a desire.

Ciphers

The easiest way is to call your mistress by a different name. For example, Fedor Alekseevich or Sanya Rabota. In this case, it is important to separate the rival from the real colleagues and friends. Most likely, she and your husband call often, but the history of messages has been carefully erased. In addition, you have not heard of any Fedor or Alexander from work.

Important: check your guesses and do not rush to throw up a scandal with your opponent. An awkward situation may arise when Sanya from work really turns out to be Alexander, and even the boss. It is unlikely that the faithful will appreciate your efforts to strengthen relationships and his career.

Photo

Photos are another type of compromising material that you may find. True, it is likely to be indirect. Your partner probably does not take memorable selfies with his mistress and does not store them on his phone (although there are such personalities). Compromising evidence from a photo is possible if your man, for example, took a photo in some institution like a cafe or restaurant, where it could not be, because he told you that he would be late at work. It is unlikely that the chef took him to work overtime in the cafe.

Important: if you have not been dating for so long, do not rush to conclusions, finding a photo with a girl about whom you do not know anything. A sister or colleague may have been in the shot too, so you need other proof of infidelity.

Browser history

If the encrypted man probably erased messages or photos, cleaned messengers, and password-protected social networks, then something may remain in the browser history that he did not remember. For example, a site for ordering movie tickets or a bouquet of flowers. Such evidence will tell you a lot if you have not gone to any movie, and there are no flowers in your bedroom.

How to know the truth

In your husband's phone, you have to find what he does not want to show you. Most likely, these are hidden folders or deleted files. If you have the opportunity to get your phone at your disposal for a couple of days, you can install a tracking application or search for applications that recover deleted files. Truth. will have to understand the technical side of the issue. For example, some programs require administrator rights.

It is worth noting that if problems of this kind arise in a couple - one partner doubts the other, secretly reads his correspondence and follows, while the other hides, hides something and is silent - even if both partners are faithful to each other.

When trying to find incriminating evidence, be ready to react to it, and also admit that you read the correspondence. Do you think it is worth looking for compromising evidence on your partner's phone? How can you find it and should you do it?

Share your opinion with other readers using the comment form on our website, and in order to publish our material on your pages on social networks, do not forget to click on the buttons and

After all, if a husband sets a bunch of passwords on his phone, keeps his pages in the networks secret and sets "personal boundaries" - this may mean not at all an affair on the side, but a desire to save himself from total control.

Ihostess.ru

Is it possible to check a spouse's phone, what are wives most afraid of and how to get rid of manic control in a couple - says psychologist, family relations consultant Elena Areshchenko.

- The spouse's phone, of course, needs to be checked! So you can always control him, find out about his plans, secrets and, possibly, betrayals even before talking with him. You will also undermine his confidence. And you yourself will stop trusting: you will keep your phone in sight and delete messages - because now you know how easy it is to get into someone else's life. What a life! Almost to the head. Progress, of course, made it easier, but, oddly enough, made us more vulnerable. In an ordinary smartphone, you can find not only the history of calls, SMS messages, but also unclosed instant messengers and social networks (by the way, with the history of likes), photos, calendar plans, reports on payments from the card, and sometimes routes. Ideally! A man at a glance!

But only if you are a detective and your spouse is a suspect. Otherwise, without asking, you break into the life of your loved one, without an invitation you look where he was not going to let you in. You don't open the bathroom door when she's busy, just out of curiosity, do you? The compromising correspondence found, in my opinion, is more likely a symptom of a problem that you did not notice or that you ignored. And usually, if such information is found, other alarming calls remind of themselves: that you have not spoken heart to heart for a long time, that problems in bed have appeared, or you have begun to invest much more in relationships, and your partner, on the contrary, has begun to move away.

And then what? Often the accused party has a question: how did you get the information? From a punishing persecutor with righteous anger, you become a guilty schoolgirl who seeks excuses. And it is no longer very clear who the victim is. Checkmate.

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Which exit? As always, prevention: strengthening relationships and trust, diversity and the ability to have their own interests, personal space. And as a result - interest in each other, mutual respect. If a betrayal has occurred, most often it was not caused by a “third party”, but by the absence of the main thing in the relationship between two people.

It is worth delving into your partner's phone if you are not going to build relationships with him, spend time developing them, do not respect your man and do not want a respectful attitude towards your space in return. Then the question arises - why do you, in principle, need this relationship? Is that for the game "pursuer - criminal". But this is clearly not about love.

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What if you are aware of this, but still cannot relax and try to control? It is useful to find out who exactly you doubt: in your man or in yourself. If it seems like this is the case, try to be an impartial observer of your relationship for a while to find out if the man gives rise to suspicion or his behavior is simply different from your idea of ​​the ideal husband, for example.

Well, that is, the "ideal" should spend all-all free time with his family, and an ordinary person may want to sit with friends. Or go to a workout. Or just be alone.

Maybe this is not a reason for suspicion, but for discussion: what and in what quantities is acceptable for your couple? The same will help if you still consider your suspicions to be fair. Open talk will clearly help better than surveillance.

And if you realize that you are more likely to doubt yourself, then it will be easier to solve this problem: since you will need to solve and negotiate with yourself. We can talk about inadequate self-esteem, the idea of ​​your unattractiveness, doubts that you are the "main woman" for your man. The support of friends or relatives will help someone to cope with this, for someone - taking care of their attractiveness and health, for someone - articles on psychological self-help, and for someone - a consultation with a psychologist. There is an exit! But he is definitely not in sophisticated spying on a loved one.

If in the past a woman was deceived and in the next relationship she maniacally checks the phone of her man, then she needs to clearly distinguish between the past and the present. Otherwise, the relationship will not work. Find 10 differences between an ex and a real man - no matter how ridiculous it sounds. "

And what do women themselves think about this?

Maria

“I have never used my man’s phone or social networks before. I think this is low and humiliating, first of all for myself. But one day, purely by chance, I saw a message on his page in one of the social networks: “Honey, I seem to be pregnant. I have a 6th day delay. " The reaction, to put it mildly, is surprise. Then I realized why he went everywhere and everywhere with his phone and left the messengers on the computer. Now it is important for me to know all the passwords of my young man. But this does not mean that I will control him and read his correspondence. I think: if he gives me his passwords, then he has nothing to hide and I can come in and check it at any time. In the same way, I can give all the passwords, but so that he does not sit on my pages like a spy. Another important point - you have found “compromising evidence” on your spouse, what should you do with him next? You need to make a decision, and this is most often a separation. Therefore, many people prefer not to know anything, they say, the less you know - you sleep better. Trust is the basis of any relationship, but if you get burned on it once, you will be more careful from now on. "

Helena

Olga

“I don’t dig in my husband’s phone and don’t check social networks, there is no reason, thank God! But a woman's instinct will always tell you if something is wrong. And here, so as not to sound the alarm in vain, you can peep, and if there is anything, then the sooner the question pops up, the better for both. It's my opinion. If everything is okay in a pair, then you do not need to climb on the phone, if there are suspicions, then you need to calm your soul. "

Svetlana

“One thing to remember: if a man wants to deceive a woman, he will find a million ways to do it with or without a phone. I always build a relationship of complete trust with my loved one. And then you need to understand what your goal is. “Invaluable information” will begin to eat away at you from the inside, you stop trusting even the most innocuous things, you begin to invent and think out things that do not exist in reality (we all have a violent imagination) and simply by your surveillance you will force a person to do what you have invented. As a result, the relationship will be bursting at the seams. So is it necessary to strain so much? If a man does not value the relationship, the woman will understand this without even looking at his phone. If you are being deceived, then that is not your problem. This is the problem of the person who lives this way. I am absolutely sure that then he will also “shovel” in life to the fullest ”.