Relationship quarrels. Tired of the constant scandals in the family? How to prevent family scandals? How to stop scandals in the family

Often people who seek psychological help from psychologists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts complain of a depressive state associated with frequent conflicts and scandals in the family due to a mutual misunderstanding of feelings and desires in close relationships.

Let us consider in more detail the source of misunderstanding, leading to disharmony in the family and close relationships.

Greetings, dear readers of the blog, I wish you mental health!

Misunderstanding in the family is the cause of conflicts, scandals and depression in close relationships

After the love passion that absorbs both partners passes; over time, when people more or less get used to and bore each other, they begin to get bogged down in the swamp of everyday and everyday problems, forgetting about the need for close relationships.

At this time, misunderstandings in personal relationships begin to appear more and more, leading to conflict situations and scandals, followed by depression.

A common reason that leads people to break off family and other close relationships is the unwillingness to understand each other; unwillingness to realize their mistakes and find compromise solutions.

Misunderstanding of a loved one, his feelings and desires, leads to a cold, not at all close relationship. And as a result - conflicts, scandals, depression

In order to understand what is actually happening; why, quite recently, people treated each other with love and trepidation, with dedication and warmth, and now they have become cold and not at all close in their interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to look through time and not for long, in thoughts and imagination, go back to the past .

At the beginning of their intimate relationships, people behaved like children, spontaneously, directly and openly. They lived by natural feelings and desires, not at all caring about the future, about the urgency and everyday problems - they lived in the present and for real.

The lovers were affectionate, caring and tender with each other. Everything showed sympathy, love and respect. A sense of self-sacrifice for the sake of another was developed.

In a word, people were literally in close relationships, where, even hypothetically, conflicts and scandals could not arise. Depression was out of the question. The maximum that any disagreements could end up with is petty quarrels followed by an experience about what happened.

But when people got closer in everyday problems, they automatically began to move away in the true proximity of feelings and desires, replacing it with material values ​​and worries about the future.

Prospects for misunderstandings in the family and close relationships without intimacy

A young couple, after some time of being together, suddenly begins to often conflict, quarrel, get angry and take offense at each other over trifles.

There is increased irritability, isolation, fatigue, sometimes insomnia and apathy, a decrease in sexual desire, simply a depressive state.

People, against the background of misunderstanding of a loved one, "reading other people's thoughts" (speculation), move away from each other, drowning in petty everyday problems and worries. Instead of a pleasant love relationship, one can observe only mutual reproaches, accusations, and sometimes even insults.

Someone gets lovers and mistresses, thereby compensating for the missing intimacy (not only sexual) and avoiding severe depression.

Someone lives someone else's life of the heroes of television series, compensating for the lack of expression of true feelings and desires for intimacy. Some become addicted to alcohol. Others solve the problem more radically - they get divorced, end the relationship and find themselves, as they think, the most profitable party.

And often, a banal incompatibility and a difference in characters are stated. However, even in new families, things usually do not work out the way we would like.

Misunderstanding of each other, the very essence of the closeness of human relations, does not give people the opportunity to be simply happy.

It is the closeness, intimacy of relationships between people, whether in love, friendship in partnership, that is an indispensable food for any person to reinforce and maintain their emotional, psychological health and a fulfilling life.

Without truly intimate relationships, without satisfying the feelings and desires that a loved one can give, without a constant exchange of these feelings, people become lonely, even when in a crowd.

What prevents us from being close and not suffering from depression? This is a misunderstanding of both oneself, one's true feelings and desires, and the feelings and desires of another

A person, immediately after birth, wants to be close and loved. First, these needs of the child are met by his mother.

Also, adults need close relationships, recognition and love. Which can manifest itself not only in love between a man and a woman, but also in friendship and family love.

The family atmosphere, saturated with negative, non-close relationships based on the replacement of true closeness with everyday life, destroys both the individual and the family as a whole.

Life, its arrangement, becomes a barrier to human intimacy, to the expression of true feelings and desires. Leads a person to despair, loneliness and depression.

But, after all, it is the family in which a favorable climate of close relationships, understanding and love reigns that is the best and free psychotherapist to overcome emotional disorders, life troubles and maintain the mental health of its members.

Two adults can always sit down and constructively discuss their common problems in the family. They can openly explain their feelings and desires to each other, listen and understand, coming to a compromise solution and resuming happy, once forgotten, tender and reverent, warm and close relationships.

If you have similar problems of misunderstanding in the family, then start right now to give each other warmth, love and respect, and mark everyday, everyday problems in the background. Believe me, they will not be important if close relationships are completely destroyed.

I wish you psychological well-being!

Ready-made answers of a psychologist, psychoanalyst

The spouse is constantly angry, and often even for no reason, starts up because of every little thing, is rude, as a result of which life together becomes more and more unbearable every day. And yet, despite this, you still live together, because you love him and do not want to part with him. But it is no longer possible to live with constant scandals and quarrels. How to prevent a quarrel or reduce it to nothing?

To live life is not a field to cross. This phrase can be transferred to family relationships. It is no secret that in life there are simply no families in which there would never be quarrels between spouses. It's unpleasant, but true. Moreover, this phenomenon is inevitable. Only some couples after a quarrel may not talk for a long time, while for others this phenomenon results in a grandiose scandal with breaking dishes. By the way, quarrels tend to arise from scratch (because of garbage not taken out, a dirty plate, dirty socks scattered around the apartment, or just ordinary fatigue, jealousy, etc.). Regardless of the cause, conflicts appear all the time, as a result of which people regularly and diligently swear, and then deeply regret it. Why is this still happening? And what to do in this case?

Reasons for quarrels.
In our dreams of married life, we envision it as a lifelong passionate and romantic relationship. But in fact, life makes its own adjustments. Over time, romance evaporates from the relationship of people who once passionately loved each other, giving way to endless everyday problems that put pressure on the nerves so much. And at one fine moment, a couple may quarrel over any trifle so that they will consider divorce the only way out of this situation.

Constant quarrels and showdowns with her husband have a depressing effect on the body, cause depression and insomnia, reducing efficiency and quality of life. And the reason for this is the inability or unwillingness to concede or compromise each other. We respond to aggression with aggression, anger, shouting, swearing - everything is used to prove our innocence. After everything subsides, often most couples cannot even remember the reason for the raging scandal, regretting and lamenting their inability to keep their own emotions under control.

Very often, the reason for aggressive behavior on the part of one of the spouses lies in his past. Namely, if such behavior was the norm in the relationship of his parents, then one should not be surprised that a person will behave in exactly the same way. He simply does not have an example of other behavior, without screams, noise and scandals. He was not taught this. Another common cause of aggression on the part of one of the spouses in a relationship is low self-esteem, when the other tries to assert itself at the expense of one.

Some factors, such as normal stress, illness, constant fatigue or physical discomfort, can provoke an outburst of rage even in a very calm person. I won’t go far, for example, everyone is familiar with the state of weakness after a hard day’s work, especially in the summer heat, when my head hurts terribly and my whole body aches. At such moments, it is quite difficult to stay in a benevolent frame of mind.

It also happens that aggressive behavior occurs on the way to the realization of what was conceived, when the other half creates obstacles to this. For example, he is very tired and wants to go to bed early, and you want to go to a club or a movie and you drag him along with you. It is not difficult to guess that in most cases this situation ends in a strong quarrel.

Very often, the spouse takes out on the second half the insults that were caused to him by someone else. For example, he received a “good” scolding from the boss, someone took the usual parking place of his car in the parking lot, got rude in the store, etc. As a result, for all this, he takes out his anger on his beloved woman, who fell under a hot hand. And in retaliation, she simply answers him the same. It is because of such trifling moments that families most often break up.

How to avoid a quarrel?
Of course, there are plenty of reasons to be angry. But each person has his own reaction to this, and most often relatives and friends suffer. What then to do? How to deal with often unreasonable aggression and outbursts of rage without taking out anger on loved ones?

It should be noted that even if the spouses have been living together for more than a dozen years, they still remain different people. It is impossible to do all your life the way your soulmate wants. And that's okay. In this case, conflicts in the family are inevitable, but they can occur very rarely or take place in a milder form.

Remember, never, even with a very strong desire to prove your case, do not swear with your spouse in the presence of relatives, friends, or just in front of strangers. Inevitably, in your conflict, they will have to take sides. And it’s not a fact that it’s yours, especially if they are relatives and friends from the husband’s side. This will only serve to inflame passions. In addition, you will put your friends in an uncomfortable position with this. In this case, it is better to calm down and postpone the conversation until a more convenient moment. In a calm state, having rethought everything, the cause of the conflict will look from a different angle.

If a quarrel cannot be avoided, in no case should one use insults and humiliate her husband, because male pride is oh so vulnerable! Such behavior can move the faithful in search of one who will appreciate and respect him. And he can always find one, no doubt!

To prevent a quarrel over a trifle, it is important to discuss each sensitive issue with him in a timely manner, without being afraid to lay out everything that worries you. But it is also necessary to “spread out” wisely, having prepared in advance and clearly formulated everything that you intend to tell him. Only then can a sincere conversation be started.

Before you pour accusations against your faithful, think about whether the spouse is really to blame? Maybe his act is not worth a damn, maybe it can be safely endured and forgotten? Very often, because of any trifle, we, women, strongly wind ourselves up, and then, in a rage, splash out on a man everything that has accumulated. Therefore, before talking, it is better to wait a few hours. Maybe, having calmed down, you will understand that the reason is not worth it to quarrel with your loved one.

If a spouse usually starts a scandal, try to talk to him frankly, heart to heart, to find out the reason for his such behavior. Perhaps this is what he expects from you. If you do not dare to have such a conversation, it is likely that he will find someone with whom he will be frank. And then he goes to her. Forever.

Sometimes the reason for nagging and temper of a husband can be something specific. By watching him, you can find out and fix it. Well, if literally everything annoys your husband, then maybe you should live apart for a while. Sometimes it helps, between the spouses, who have rested from each other, relations are being established again.

In general, in order for quarrels to arise in family life as rarely as possible, it is important to immediately arrange family life and build communication with your loved one in such a way that any unpleasant mistake of each other seemed like a trifle and could be calmly experienced. You can do some sport together. This will not only relieve unnecessary tension, but will also benefit your own self-esteem and your relationship. After all, nothing brings people together like a good time.

The woman herself plays an important role in the frequency of family quarrels. Appreciate yourself and do not allow yourself to be humiliated or raise your voice for no reason. Maybe your confidence and ignoring his furious attacks will weaken the negativity splashed out on you. However, negative emotions should not be addressed to him, and mocking notes should not slip in the tone of his voice. Try to praise your spouse more often, but for the cause, appreciating his merits. Existing shortcomings try to accept indulgently.

If nevertheless a quarrel happened, learn to put up correctly.

Reconciliation after a scandal with her husband.
Before you make any attempts to improve relations with your husband, you should wait a bit to give him the opportunity to calm down and cool down herself. It is necessary to comprehend everything, understand what happened, and only then act. To start reconciliation first for many women, especially if husbands are not right in a conflict situation, is something transcendent, not worthy. However, there is nothing shameful in taking the first step towards reconciliation. And if you became the initiator of the conflict, this must be done without fail!

If the other half is not yet set up to enter into a dialogue with you, in this case you should not put pressure. You should give him a little more time, let him cool his ardor. If, as you think, he is pouting at you for too long, you can write him a letter, setting out on paper everything that is difficult to say in person, looking eye to eye. And when, nevertheless, the moment of personal communication comes, you can let in not only gentle words, but also gentle touches, strokes and kisses. This will perfectly defuse the situation, relieve the tension that inevitably arises at the beginning of a conversation.

If the missus is still silent for several days, more original methods should be used, for example, to prepare a surprise. Just do not need in this case to use sexy lingerie or erotic games. Winning a good relationship with a husband through sex is not a good idea. A man may take this as an insult, because this is an open hint that the animal instinct in a strong half of humanity dominates everything else. Yes, and it looks, to put it mildly, vulgar. In this case, a man, if he is led by your seductive behavior, after sex, irritation will return to him again. And it will start all over again.

A romantic dinner for two can be a great surprise. It doesn’t matter at home or in a restaurant, you can whisper words of love into his ear to quiet music, say how sorry you are about what happened, that you want to forget all this as soon as possible. Finding the right words at such a moment will not be difficult. In such an environment, hardly any man can resist.

In general, it’s worth talking more with your soulmate, in a calm and interested tone, to find out what worries him, talk about your love, which needs to be protected, and not destroyed by daily quarrels about an unwashed plate or not taken out garbage.

If Love has not died out, it copes with trials, it happens that it even ignites, like a flame from that very spark. Love leaves - irritation comes, but it is not able to fight with problems, but can only accumulate them and chill out the “weather in the house”.

I will give a list of “misfortunes” due to which “earthquakes” and “volcanic eruptions” occur in relationships:

Incorrect distribution of roles in the family.

- Wrong attitude of one of the partners to another.

- Differences in outlook on life.

- Sexual crises, disappointments in a partner.

- Intervention of the parents of one or both spouses in the affairs of "children".

- Addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, chronic infidelity).

- Diseases (mental, incurable physical, mental). The need for all family members to adapt to a bed patient or a character who drank TV yesterday.

- The struggle for power and supremacy in the family.

- Communication problems in general (distrust, fear, lack of intimacy and frankness).

A couple meets, “grinding” begins, each shows his “presentation video”, tells who he is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Declares his needs and hopes, asks questions, important and not very important.

Have you ever heard a person entering into a romantic relationship say: “Over time, I will develop such and such disgusting traits, I will start to get fat, gradually become drunk and beat you fiercely?” Not! Nobody ever! The desire to please in the initial period is supported in all situations. This is the period - the triumph of the peacock!

At the beginning of a relationship, unwanted manifestations in the behavior of a loved one cause a slight chill of discontent, and rolling down the mountain of time, the cold lump turns into a rumbling avalanche. The first disappointment befalls us when we begin to understand that Heaven gave love as a gift, and it gives love on credit. And in order to develop it further to the relationship of spouses and parents, you need to endlessly invest money, time, health, money, heart, soul, feelings, attention and affection ...

Here she is, FIRST REASON quarrels between lovers: skimping on all of the above, as a rule, the one who loves more in "Spring".

"In the summer" he also becomes the "author" of claims and reproaches in the midst of relationships, at the peak of passions. In the difficult “Autumn Times of Love”, the initiative passes to the one who is more difficult in a relationship, and reproaches and discontent begin to pour in from his side. He feels that in "Winter" he is destined to be left alone, and thus begins to protest.

After a divorce, during the period of “Winter Chills”, an insult settles in the soul of an abandoned person that even that little warmth and attention was taken from him, which, perhaps, was underestimated at a time when it was still possible to fix something.

Again, “What we have, we don’t store” ... And here the best solution is to decisively remove marketing from relationships, stop the flow of “mutual pains, troubles and insults” and remember the saying of the sages: “There is no better friend than a wife”, and give everything, and a little more, until the moment when in the direction of this person “breathes”. Love will not turn into hate if we are able to wake up and see that it is time to immediately stop the "fountain" of reproaches and accusations.

Insults and scandals are dead ground for self-affirmation! In the desire to “drown” another, a person does not see how he himself is drowning! This is a war without a winner. Someone will say that troubles and troubles in the family come from the wrong choice of partner. But there are no completely wrong choices, because some qualities in a partner suit us, but not all of them annoy us.

THE SECOND REASON quarrels: a question of leadership in pairs. If the lovers are happy, then they give in to each other, they have nothing to share and nothing to “puff out their cheeks” for. Everyone is "main" in something of his own, irreplaceable and unique.

Closer to the middle phase of marriage, a reassessment of each other suddenly begins, misunderstanding comes, dissatisfaction with the partner, the ability to “hear” each other, the inability to agree disappears. There is already a full-fledged crisis in family relations. And now one exposes his opinion as a flag, and the other condescendingly, as "more wise", agrees to concessions, "just to be quiet." Compromise is no longer the goal, consensus in opinions is still possible, but more often, as I said, one of the two makes concessions consciously, driving the problem into a chronic state ...

Demands, claims and reproaches, ultimatum statements, sobs and cries are the main manifestations of the "Autumn of Love". And then our grown plant, instead of a juicy and tasty fruit, gives a seed of discord. He and she begin to find out: who slept more, who was more tired, who has the main responsibilities, who achieved more in life. As long as one does not suppress the other with his supremacy, there will be no satisfaction from victory over a partner. It becomes more difficult for someone who feels a greater need for love, for whom it is more important to maintain relationships. That is why he often gives in.

The ancients said: "A truly loving person does not strive for power, a flawed and prudent one strives for it." As long as there is tenderness and feelings, someone alone is in the lead and there are always fewer conflicts. This happens at the beginning of any relationship. In harmoniously developed feelings, a floating or flexible system of relationships usually develops.

Closer to the "colds in Love" there are fewer and fewer concessions, and more and more claims.

THIRD REASON quarrels: not the last place in the conflicts is occupied by the rather prosaic topic of the Family Budget. Everyone understands that money is fertilizer for our sprout. They require a prudent attitude and control. In a family, it is necessary to regulate income and expenses, and how this happens is in many ways an indicator of family relations.

Usually couples choose joint, shared and separate types of budget. But what if you work hard and try to combine all these types by creating three different piles of money in different places?

The first pile of money is a joint wallet, each of the couple takes part in replenishing it, decisions are made together on how to spend money. It is very convenient for people with the same earnings or families where one is dependent (50 years ago, it would never even have occurred to anyone to think that it could be a man, but in our time, alas, it doesn’t sound so shocking anymore, and many habitual norms have ceased to be unshakable!). And yet more often than not, the wife does not work.

The presence of a common purse relieves her of the need to explain every time why such an amount is needed for the household. It also protects her from thinking about the topic: “again I didn’t give out money for the needs of the family, paying for the “communal apartment”, the doctor and the child’s teachers. Is he greedy or inattentive, insensitive or sadistic? So, in a joint wallet, huge amounts are not needed. There may be a sheet of paper and a pencil with which the amount taken by each is recorded. From there, the child can take the money, be sure to report what they were spent on. Such openness saves many parents from frankly and unaccountably "borrowing" from their own wallets.

So we smoothly move on to the second pile of money distributed among “individual pockets”. Does a non-working family member (a woman or a child) need to allocate funds for living? Necessary. Mobile payments, breakfasts, transportation - all this is considered and issued for a week. This approach allows the dependent to learn how to properly manage funds and not require daily subsidies.

If you don't like something - save or go to work! Only in this case, the “stash” of the saved funds does not turn into a serious fraud, that is, it is personal money, and not hidden to the detriment of the family. When the earner is no longer appreciated, thanked, asked for or praised, the “money toad” comes to him. It seems dishonest to the breadwinner that he gives everything to the family to the penny, trying to be open and honest. And if his contribution to the family budget begins to be taken for granted, he may begin to take offense. And there is also a completely indecent situation, when home bums also manage to reproach - they say, they could bring more!

In order not to bring the situation to such an absurdity or establish rules for spending funds, all these points should be discussed in advance, and not hushed up. Jointly made decisions related to spending and storing funds are an indicator that the finances are not managed by the spouses.

The third pile is the family piggy bank. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bank account or a safe deposit box, a home safe or a plastic bag taped behind a picture - the main thing is that “we are all saving money together!”. It can be the House, and the car, or someone's education, or even a "rainy day" - it doesn't matter. It is important that - "we", that - "together"!

A friendly decision is a good indicator of the solution of the material issue in the family, and blackmail with money is the desire to suppress, solve one's problems and complexes at the expense of a loved one.

THE FOURTH REASON to clarify the relationship - non-observance of moral principles. Couples are often destroyed due to violations of marital fidelity and family ethics. This point is always a cause for scandal and rebellion. Only in "Winter", when there is nothing more to swear about, does everyone involved in the divorce see the meaninglessness of claims and excuses. This also includes emerging hostile feelings - hatred, discontent, irritation, often due to the contradictory nature of human feelings. When you are dissatisfied with a partner, you find reasons for nit-picking in everything. Everything irritates: manners, behavior in everyday life, character traits, personality traits. “You’re not standing like that, you’re not lying here!”

At the beginning of a relationship, usually one of the couple distances themselves, takes time to “dump steam”, and with long-term cohabitation, psychological compatibility problems creep out like cockroaches on a white sheet. One behaves negatively, the other also “grows” hostility in himself.

I can advise you to set the control of your own emotions and irritation. It is important to learn to accept the personality traits of a spouse as an objective reality, to understand that much cannot be changed. I recommend that at the very beginning of a relationship, take a closer look at your future marriage partner, and after the wedding close your eyes to a lot.

"Not! Never!" - the main slogan of wives and husbands in the "Autumn season of love." The desire to contradict and object is a beacon that tells you that love is leaving. It is important to consciously maintain the desire for unity.

Hot anger, cold anger, restrained anger - everything is bad. Try both to “hold your tongue”, “bite your lip”, take water in your mouth, count to ten or a hundred. I recommend each time to clarify what annoyed, ask what exactly the noisy person wants.

REASON FIVE: two loving people may have a conflict in a state of stress due to the difference in needs and attitudes towards life. Achievements in the profession and career growth do not guarantee success in personal life. I will say more: more often it is career growth that separates lovers from each other! So in this regard, one should be very careful and attentive, “do not forget,” as they used to say.

Dealing with joint problems together and remaining polite is very difficult. The most difficult thing is to find something in common in differences, something that connects and unites. Those who do not quarrel do not need to be reconciled. Agree that you will not swear, that there will be no screams and conversations at elevated decibels in your house. If your loved one does what he promises after five reminders, if he forgets about the holidays and your dates, and all the homework lies entirely on your shoulders, and his life goes according to your order, say OUT LOUD that you need help. Let him know that without his opinion and desire it is very difficult for you! Otherwise, you run the risk of soon turning into a “commander in a skirt” or a “boy-woman”. Distribute responsibility in advance, agree "on the shore"!

SIXTH REASON FOR DIFFERENCE: vain expectations. Irritation and resentment comes when a partner does not do what you would like. He will certainly express his claims. Children at a psychological reception often complain that their parents yell at them in irritation and insult them. And in the human psyche, over time, the so-called “subtraction” occurs, that is, the essence of the conversation and its reason disappear, leaving forever in memory only a scream and a face twisted with anger.

If you need something special, if you need to be understood in this way and not otherwise, you should speak about it precisely and directly, without forcing your partner to speculate. Tell him exactly what you want. If he does not listen to your words, then look for other ways to present information, think about the reasons, ask yourself questions and answer them. For example, tell him: “I want to talk because it is very important” or demand to listen to yourself. Does he ignore problematic situations? Do not want to fulfill their obligations? Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time by continuing to do nothing. Do not scatter impracticable threats, do not throw mud at him. If your words and actions do not lead to the desired result, then start looking at it, or rather, at your life in a different way: will it go with Him or without Him?

REASON SEVEN: insults and insults. Express your feelings, don't suppress them. Insulted - sit down and cry. Say that they offend jokes about weight and name-calling. You need to make it clear to your loved one how his words and actions affect your self-awareness. “Don’t lower me below the plinth! Your words are very unpleasant to me”, “Did you at least get pleasure from the fact that you offended me in passing again?”

When you want to reconcile, it is important that both are satisfied with the outcome of the reconciliation. One will give in to cut off the showdown in the house. He will remain silent, but the cause of the conflict will not go anywhere! It will still come up someday in the form of a very unusual scandal (we do not expect a loud expression of will from the "quiet ones") and even a divorce! You can not put pressure on the conscience or emotions of a partner, raise your voice, refuse to listen. The most important task is to agree with yourself and understand: “It will not always be the way I want!”. If one is silent, the other may be mistaken in believing that silence is a sign of consent.

It should not be considered who was more right. Remove from the vocabulary (especially during the "showdown") the words "never", "always". Say: "It is not necessary to solve this problem now, but I ask you to listen to me, I think the decision should be made together." Do not be shy to admit that you are wrong in the event of your unfair accusation, tell him: "I'm sorry, I'm ashamed, you're right, this is my omission." People with a positive image of "I" are not inclined to demonstrate their superiority, do not try to offend and humiliate others. The stereotypical attitude of partners “it should be so” often underlies misunderstanding and dissatisfaction with each other.

There are Women who are sure that they must remain proud, impregnable and cold. Do not drop dignity, do not show participation and interest in any situation. Even if the husband is not happy with success, he has reduced sex activity or (God forbid!) funding.

She sees herself above the "world problems", she is out of everyday life and everything mundane! She is a mysterious Stranger - "breathing with spirits and mists ...", woven from dreams. She is a gift, a flower that needs to be groomed and cherished! And this, she is convinced, is the main goal of a man’s life, that is, to serve and please her, blindly bowing in endless admiration, and she will condescendingly accept these honors, because she is sure that she was born only for them. And she doesn’t need to know all the affairs and other “baseness” of the material world - let her think about it ... this one ... well, how is he? Husband…

And then one day this “how is it? ... husband” gets tired of keeping an ice doll - he just goes to a normal earthly woman and finds his normal human happiness even in the way his chosen one looks at him happily eating freshly cooked cabbage soup.

We thank the IG "AST" for providing an excerpt from the book by Natalia Tolstaya "Love: from dusk to dawn. Resurrection of feelings".

Autumn and winter months most disposed to family quarrels and scandals due to lack of sun and bad weather. At this time of the year, we rarely walk on the street and are more annoyed with those who live with us, often regretting then that we unleashed a flurry of our emotions on them in vain. No one wants to make a fuss just like that, it all starts with the fact that you asked the wrong thing or you were given the wrong answer. And then it went, let's go.

In essence scandal may be different. Sometimes they arrange a family scandal in order to relieve emotional stress. For example, a husband and wife shouted at each other, then measured, and both felt good at heart. Another thing is when a scandal in the family is caused in order to realize a desire and is a kind of emotional blackmail. An example of this would be the hysteria of a wife who knows well that her husband cannot stand women's tears and screams.

Hysterical and crying wife in this case, he wants to achieve the same thing as a child who falls to the floor and kicks when he cannot get his parents to buy what he likes. These two types of scandal can be classified as a kind of family games, which over time can end happily and do not lead to the destruction of the family. But often a scandal flares up as an external manifestation of a deep conflict and is a symptom of the presence of serious problems between family members. After such a scandal, none of its participants receives satisfaction and no one manages to focus on his person. But bitterness and desolation are bound to come. It becomes very hard on the soul, complete apathy sets in.

For such scandal often follows a divorce or complete indifference, pain and disgust for a person close to you once. The participants in the scandal no longer want to continue to live together under the same roof, everyone's soul is languishing and aching with pain. After such a scandal, all the dirt and lies come up, there is no point in looking further for excuses and evidence. A scandal of this kind deprives the participants of the joy of life for a long time, they are in a sad mood for a long time, do not want to communicate with anyone and cannot work.

Here is a typical history two once close and dear people, about whom Nina told us: “I love my mother, and we have been living together for 15 years, since my mother moved to live with us to help me nurse my son, who is already 16 years old. In recent years, mom has been constantly irritated and angry for no reason, she can rummage through our personal belongings without asking, crying and blaming us for being so ungrateful with her son.Now we are fed up with her stories about how much effort and money she spent to raise us, and now she can not even hope that we are able to give her a glass of water before death.Explain to her that we love her and will never leave her alone, there is no more strength, she will never does not listen to them and says that she already sees how much we hate her. To bend under her mood, my son and I are already tired, as soon as she makes a scandal and goes to live with her friend. In our absence, she brings her friends and neighbors home, who complains about us and our "bad" attitude towards her. I, too, are already losing my nerves on this basis, I often break down on her and slander too much, and then for several days I feel completely devastated, do nothing and come to my senses only after her next return home.

How psychologist, Nina can only advise one thing, stop feeling sorry for yourself in this situation and pay attention to your mother. Of course, she loves them most of all, but from the side of her daughter and grandson she misses. Her soul screams in pain, and Nina needs to change her approach to her mother, and not try unsuccessfully to get rid of her nit-picking and accusations. Try not to take it out on your loved ones and people close to you, extinguish every scandal starting from their side with a smile and the words: "Let's not discuss this topic now. I love you so much!" If it doesn't work, go quietly into another room or come up and hug your mom, shaking a little so that she knows that you don't like her mood. If she doesn’t perceive anything other than screams, then tell her that you can’t communicate with her in such a tone and discuss this topic with pleasure after she calms down and she has a different mood.

Often elderly parents themselves unwittingly become energy vampires for their children. They constantly harass their families with causeless crying and complaints about their lives in order to receive a portion of sympathy, care and support from them. At the same time, the vampire parent loves to curse, intimidate and insult his adult son or daughter in order to destroy his psychological defenses.

Often also lead themselves jealous and envious spouses, they openly attack, provoking a scandal and causing an explosion of indignation, despair and anger in a partner, and they themselves take away energy from him. By feigning jealousy, the vampire spouse keeps his partner in a state of constant emotional tension in order to get another burst of energy from him. After the conflict, the "well-fed" aggressor becomes serene and can have fun with other people, while his victim cannot come to his senses and feels completely empty.

If after every family scandal if you feel lethargy, fatigue, discomfort and loss of efficiency, then this is a sign that you have given all your energy to the person who dragged you into a quarrel. How to save your health and not become a victim of an energy vampire? Do not turn into a savior for an elderly parent or spouse, but only be a helper. No need to take responsibility for their lives and do absolutely everything for them. If they provoke you into a scandal, then it is better to agree with all the comments and smile cheerfully. Do not let the vampire hook you, he must understand that as a source of energy you are not available to him. As soon as you stop getting off balance, the vampire's interest in you will drop.

As Kozma Prutkov said: "If you want to be happy - be it" and no one can overshadow our life if we ourselves find small joys in life, smile at people more often and see only good in everything.