When he moved from his parents. Therapist: “It is important not just to move away from parents, but to be emotionally independent from them

In general, I consider it such a small achievement in work if a person manages to move away from his parents. Of course, in my work, as in any work, there are fails, i.e. such small failures, when I fail to realize some of the tactical goals. Yesterday we also talked with a colleague just about what to do in this case if the client gets stuck. Somehow, these issues were more or less resolved.

What does relocation provide? First of all, moving from parents is a completely new atmosphere. The old emotional anchors begin to wear out; visual, auditory and kinesthetic.

When you come to the old apartment to your parents, then, accordingly, this is not your territory. This is the territory of your parents, their monastery, and climbing into their monastery with your charter is not comme il faut.

Client: I just met my parents on the street yesterday, they just arrived, and it was so nice to talk with them. They smiled at me, I smiled at them. Such a pleasant communication and there was no tension. Went home, and immediately stuffed up.

Denis: Yes, you can really see it, when we communicate with the same parents on the street, we have completely different emotions. And in the parental home, the situation is very often crushing. I observed a completely different effect in people who sometimes come to me to solve some very specific problems, literally 2-3 consultations with them happen. For example, everything is wonderful in their families: their parents are just a fairy tale. Such parents would be for everyone and heaven on earth would come. They have the opposite: every time they come to their parents' house, they are charged with energy.

But I personally do not know this, and many of my clients do not either. But it is. If parents have supported since childhood, if the atmosphere in the parental home is very good, then this is a place of power for a child and for an adult after. If the parents did not support, then this place sucks energy, relatively speaking.

When a person moves, all these negative anchors begin to rub off after some time. Because the psyche constantly processes the negative. But the problem of a person who lives in a parental home with negative energy, with a negative environment, who is constantly slapped, i.e. parents are acting aggressively. The problem is that the psyche does not have time to cope with the processing. Relatively speaking, the human psyche manages to process the negative by 5 units, and his parents pile on him by 8-9 units. A person comes to me for therapy and with the help of techniques, personal therapeutic work, we manage to process the negative by 7 units. But all the same, 1-2 units of negativity remain and Sisyphean labor is obtained.

I do to a person what is reasonable, good, eternal, i.e. I sow with positive suggestions, I compose some positive cannotations. We work on beliefs, on the emotional background, and a person comes out of me with ideas, elated, hopeful, looks at life differently. His perceptual filters even change - this is the result of therapeutic work. He comes home and is pushed back and the filters of perception change back to negative, i.e. the whole world is a mess, all the women are bl#@i, the sun is an e#@% lantern.

This is the first moment. This oppressive load on the psyche disappears and the psyche begins to heal. Subsequently, such a moment happens very often. Many, for example, from Western psychotherapists consider the goal to separate the child, i.e. an adult already, since many of them are already 30 years old, even 40, but they still live in parental families. Western colleagues consider the goal of therapy to separate a person, i.e. when a person moves into his house, to a new apartment, the goal of therapy is considered achieved. Because further the negative influence subsides and the person begins to heal himself.

It is clear that this does not happen abruptly and you do not need to wait for you to move and immediately life blossomed. It will take 2,3,4 and 5 months sometimes even.

Client: yesterday, when I signed the contract, I was directly charged. Loaded horribly. I went out into the street and looked with such eyes. There was nothing that overwhelming.

Denis: Yes, there is. There are indeed people who quickly reconfigure their perception filters. There are people for whom all this happens slowly. No need to rush. For some people, this can take up to 5 months, depending on the negativity that a person is initially loaded with. And accordingly, after this reconfiguration of filters occurs, a person begins to look at life differently. Positive cannotations begin to predominate in his psyche, i.e. no matter what happens - it's all for the better, the changes are favorable, everything is wonderful.

And then his self-esteem begins to rise. Because he sees the objective results of his life and his mood improves, his emotional status improves and, accordingly, self-esteem begins to jack up. After some time of independent life, a person has good self-esteem.

Client: I also wanted to say: I'm sure my parents are at the level of survival, I watch them and it's hard with them, I feel a little higher. They load me with their problems, but I do not perceive these problems from myself. And they are more or less imposed and they just stupidly press. It's hard for me to do anything about it.

Denis: This is a different worldview. Moreover, life is complicated by the fact that you will never change your parents. They ask me questions: Denis, you are a psychotherapist, why don't you start working with your mother, aunt. And it’s not the trolls who ask, but the question is written in a calm style. And I always answer: it's impossible. Moreover, in general, there are certain taboos, such as having sexual intercourse with your clients for a male psychotherapist and with your clients for a female psychotherapist. In the same way, there are certain taboos on work, treatment and psychotherapy of relatives, friends and acquaintances.

These are not the vowel rules that were expressed by Freud. Empirically proven by Jung, and then they took root. Because for a person who commits these actions, it is fraught with very bad consequences. Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt, slept with his clients. The connections were very strong and ended with one of the clients committing suicide. This greatly damaged his reputation, but he survived. But when the second client committed suicide, then his reputation was completely shaken. And it didn't do him much good.

In the same way, I observe very strong emotional burnout among those colleagues who violate this rule - do not treat relatives and get into family therapy. Relatives suck them back into this circular communication, a circular diagram and circular processes begin to occur and a person cannot stand it, breaks down.

And there are a lot of my colleagues whom I observed in Moscow and talked with them: I saw how they suffer. Who is a psychotherapist? This is a standard: it should glow with joy, should radiate complacency, in general be a life-affirming principle, at least demonstrate this principle. But I have seen psychotherapists and psychologists who themselves are retarded, they are full of jerks, it seems that they are living on their last breath. And there are a lot of them.

Client: Do you remember Yuri Yakubovich on the field of miracles, a psychologist with glasses came to him on April 1 and as a result he began to say that you are all crooks and all that. They say that this is a substitution, but it looks very natural. Look at this such an ardent example of a psychologist there.

Denis: as they say, you can't play like they said about Novodvorskaya.

Client: yes, an interesting aunt, there seemed to be pictures of her little one ...

Denis: and then something happened to her. Therefore, in no case should one engage in these things, i.e. treat relatives. Moreover, this is a double violation of the rules: firstly, you are treating relatives, i.e. you are doing a bad thing. And secondly, you are treating them for free.

Why can't it be free? Because when a person gets help for free, a very bad process starts. There is a proverb: not doing good, so as not to see evil. This is explained very simply: when you do good to some person, completely unconscious and uncontrollable processes turn on, the person turns on such a categorical imperative of duty, i.e. he should thank you. But if you forbid, as it were, you are actually saying: I am doing this for you for free. Those. you are blocking the exit of this gratitude, which, in theory, should be expressed in some material components, i.e. money.

And a person must close this gestalt, because it has opened. He has benefited from you, and therefore is obliged to express gratitude to you. And you lock it up by saying no, no, no, you and I are friends.

Client: You can say after all: pay if you want?

Denis: It will not be correct. If you say so, then you are indulging human stinginess, greed, and you must remember that if a person has the opportunity not to pay money, then he will not pay them.

Client: I, for one, am not like that.

Denis: you are very different from ordinary people who are in the bulk. Basically, people are driven by such bad passions. When you lock up, or let go of free will, this action, i.e. the person does not thank you. But the need to express this gratitude, i.e. to give you a portion of energy, albeit in material terms, begins to gnaw at him from the inside. And in order for her not to gnaw at him from the inside, a person makes such a feint with his ears - he begins to paint you and your actions in black tones: and I didn’t ask him to help, but he didn’t really help me, and indeed before that it was normal, and after his help it seemed to be somehow good, and then it only got worse.

A perceptual inversion occurs. This happens completely unconsciously, i.e. no need to think that someone is sitting and consciously thinking: how can I get out of this situation. No. Nobody thinks, absolutely unconsciously. And after a while you turn completely black. How, for example, this happens: they built up Latvia, it was completely destroyed after the Second World War. Soviet soldiers and people came there and rebuilt everything for them there. Who are we now? Russian occupiers who have to pay money is not clear for what. For the fact that factories were built? For the fact that unemployment was canceled? For the fact that crime was removed, after all, there were many fascists who were not finished off - they were all cleaned out by the NKVD, cleaned up. They made Ikarus and all sorts of other bobbies there. Industry was given to them. And now the Russian invaders. Here is such a "thank you".

These principles operate not only on the scale of one person, but on the scale of the whole society. Because society is made up of people. Take the same Ukraine. These same gangs also mowed down and who are we now? Russian invaders. And it works about Poland. Poland was completely rebuilt by the forces of Russian soldiers, officers, people. But they became Russian occupiers for them. Under no circumstances should this be allowed. Payment is required. Never with family or friends. Friends will simply heal you and trample all your grateful efforts into the dirt.

Client: you seemed to know your friend more or less and roughly understand what he needs.

Denis: no. Here, if you want to help a friend, then recommend links, literature, send it to a specialist just at the place of residence. There is no need to be afraid to go to psychologists at the place of residence, since many have such a private impression that ghouls are sitting there. Not ghouls, but normal people. If some psychologist didn’t suit you, if you see something wrong, then leave him and go to another one. Try the second, third, fourth. Find a psychologist on the Internet, work with him. Find yourself someone who suits you. In the end, you will benefit.

And not forgetting from the very beginning the separation. Separation and separation! This gives responsibility, well-being, gratitude for life, a positive mood. In general, this is especially important for men. A man should have his own house, his own code of family rules for this house, a man is an independent being. If he wants at some point in his life, i.e. feels ready, he will invite a woman into the house. But it must be your home.

If you lack thrills and emotions in life, there is a reliable way to change the situation and get a tangible dose of adrenaline. Live alone. Without caring parents, boyfriend, girlfriends and neighbors. All alone. Tête-à-tête with a refrigerator, stove, microwave, TV or a book.

While I lived in my parents' apartment, I slept practically on downy feather beds, consumed delicious food every day, and spent money only on entertainment. But despite such a purely selfish, even "hothouse" existence, all my adult life I dreamed of moving. As you know, without exception, all dreams come true - sooner or later. Therefore, one day I got at my disposal (in other words, rented) a cozy one-room apartment with all amenities. It's time to live separately from your parents. Adrenaline injections began from the first minute of the "new life".

moving day

I took only the most necessary: ​​photos in albums and frames, CDs, books that I read twenty times, a dried pumpkin to decorate the interior, fragrant candles and other "dust collectors", a computer. With hitherto unknown pleasure, she placed dishwashing detergents, toilet bowls, washing powder, etc. in the closet. In agony, she scrubbed the whole apartment. Furniture gave me the sharpest corners, objects fell from the shelves, and a variety of garbage, with which I "updated" the bucket, was disturbingly scattered in the corridor. The apartment, I thought, does not want to accept me. Tormented by superstitious fear, she called a wise friend. "Put some food in a saucer and put it on the windowsill. This is for the brownie," she advised. I decided to go for a walk, and at the same time to the store: the brownie should be appeased. I discovered that I am an incredibly economical and unpretentious housewife, whose weekly diet is a dozen eggs, a piece of cheese, sausages, potatoes and something else insignificant like ketchup.

According to modern psychologists, the longer you continue to bask under the wing of your parents, the more difficult the process of adaptation to new conditions will be. The habit of getting everything ready-made, from food to clean linen, is almost more harmful than smoking. It turns very independent-looking people into subjects absolutely unsuitable for independent existence. By the way, this applies to both women and men. Critical age - 30 years. If by this moment you have not married and your whole life passes under the sensitive mother's eye, you should seriously think about cardinal changes.

In adulthood, it is more difficult to adapt, change the way of life, learn duties that were not in the "diet" of the day before. A 30-year-old man who is accustomed to being "served" by his mother and leaving his father's house only on vacation has a good chance of remaining a bachelor. He will be lucky if he meets a geisha girl who is ready to be a mistress and a housewife in one person. A woman who seeks partnership and mutual support in a relationship will run away from him in a few days.

A few days later

The adaptation process is not as fast as I expected. I startle at every rustle and check several times whether the door is well locked. I thought for a long time about whether the robbers could first break the balcony window, then the inner one and silently enter the apartment. Audibility in the house is excellent, which only exacerbates my paranoia. When it occurs to the neighbors to take a shower or come home late (and this happens often!), Insomnia until three in the morning, until the last "owl" falls asleep, is guaranteed to me. I turn on the light - I look out the window (first floor); I turn off the light - I look out again. Last night, a young man decided to sit on a bench right under my windows. In horror, I forgot even about "Sex and the City" on TV. I established surveillance, which lasted from 23.00 to 23.15. The young man waited for the girl, and they left. It would be nice to put a knife or something like that under the bed.

In the new house, people are worried for no reason and are nervous exactly until the "alien" housing becomes "their own". It is necessary at an accelerated pace to bring comfort and realize your dream of an ideal home. While you lived with your parents, you willy-nilly had to put up with their tastes in choosing colors in the apartment, interior preferences and ideas about a cozy home. Now you can give free rein to your imagination and realize what you have long dreamed of. There is an almost childish joy in throwing colorful pillows on the floor, painting the walls of the corridor with red paint, sleeping on a flat mattress instead of a feather bed, if you so desire ... And knowing that no one will dare to say a word against it!

Having decided to live separately from your parents, and having moved to a rented apartment, it makes sense to make a rearrangement. Furniture and small interior details left from the previous owner preserve his ideas about the house, his way of life and, if you like, energy. Even if you don't believe in Feng Shui and various magical zones, it doesn't hurt to create your own atmosphere. Sometimes a favorite picture on the wall and scented candles are enough for this. Sometimes you have to be more decisive. One way or another, when the apartment becomes "yours", the excitement about the strange rustle in the kitchen and the midnight neighbors will go away.

A week later

Made mushroom soup. It turned out thick, undersalted, but overall, in my opinion, very tasty. Mom came in, and, of course, I treated her to a culinary miracle. Mom said that she liked the soup, and then added that I should come to them with dad more often for dinner. I think the debut in the kitchen turned out to be successful. For me, this is especially important now: in a few days, friends will come to me for the first dinner party in the new apartment. There are two reasons at once: housewarming and my birthday. Huge responsibility, I don't want to disappoint them, so I buy two cookbooks. Probably, I will limit myself to a few salads - "Italian", "Cheese", "Olivier" and "Beans".

Housewarming is sacred. The first reception of guests in a new apartment is really an important matter. With bold culinary experiments, it is better to wait: nevertheless, the abilities of the new stove and oven have not yet been very well studied. Otherwise, you will treat your friends with blue soup, following the example of our English friend Bridget Jones. Limit yourself to simple and nutritious meals, and most importantly - do not overdo it with alcohol. Soldering the next morning with brine of friends who have gone over and washing the bath is an extremely dubious pleasure. Order housewarming gifts that are purely practical and useful. It is possible that the images of a ladle, a colander or a teapot stand do not excite your imagination, but take my word for it: in everyday life, these boring items have no price. Save your perfume and cosmetic desires for the next holiday.

And one more piece of advice for those who decide to live separately from their parents, as a bonus. Do not forget that, among other things, housewarming is a great way to make new acquaintances. Especially in an apartment where you are a full-fledged and sovereign mistress. Do not refuse if your male friends offer to "dilute" the company with a young man still unknown to you. Independent living is, no doubt, good, but sometimes in the evening you want to talk with someone other than TV.

Question to the psychologist:

I'll start with myself, I'm 30, from the first grade my grandmother took me to her place, as my father drank, my mother worked the night shift, and then she began to keep him company. And so, when I studied at the institute, my father died, communication with my mother came to naught. Now we don’t communicate at all, she has never even seen her grandson, who is 4 years old. My grandmother gave me in marriage, she replaced both my mother and father. My husband's family accepted me as their own, at first, when we did not have a child, everything was perfect. My husband and father-in-law and I worked, his mother is at home, everyone is full. But after the birth of a child, they replaced me, I began to defend my rights, I wanted my own territory and cook for my family myself. She began to sing to her husband about renting an apartment. He was against, scored on this idea. Parents have a cheerful lifestyle, almost every weekend there are guests, holidays, everything is sure to be with us. Here and the husband already began to strain. And he agreed to eat, said you will find that we will move normally. I found. We moved, but then some kind of nonsense happened to me. A week after we moved, I cry, I miss the house with my husband's parents. The child is now to be taken to the kindergarten further, the husband should go there to work with them. But my husband says that he likes it separately and does not understand what is happening to me, because I dreamed about it so much. And I myself am confused. I even want to go back. By the way, I sit at home, I don’t work, and there is no need, since I help my husband with business. We are saving up for our own housing, but at the current pace it will take another 2 years. Some kind of anxiety associated with the move. A feeling of loneliness, perhaps. What to do?

The psychologist Ladatko Marina Georgievna answers the question.

Good day, Oksana.

All that has happened: the need to separate from your parents and your subsequent longing for them is the normal state of a young family. When a child is born, the young family already becomes full-fledged and independent. And yes, the territory becomes small: everything is wrong, and not because. It's so laid down by nature.

And a very wise decision - to separate in order to grow up ourselves and maintain good relations with relatives.

Why are you, Oksana, so bitter? These are the tricks of the brain, which is not used to the new (there are well-established neural connections in it, but new ones are more difficult to lay), it just needs to be rebuilt, but it does not want to. In other words, it's a matter of habit. Start getting used to it.

To make this process fast and efficient:

1. Come up with a daily routine and employment that will bring pleasure and result, manifested in caring for others (this can be the development of new dishes and their preparation, growing flowers in order to give them to parents, any exciting hobby that has a result).

2. Decorate this house with love and plan for the future (dream about what will be in your house).

3. Shift the focus of your attention from yourself and your feelings to your husband (what he feels), son (how does the child experience the move, because it is the most difficult for him! Here, how does he feel? You did not write anything about his experiences). How are your husband's parents feeling? because they are also living people and, for sure, also miss you all. Spend time with your husband and son together, and not just be around.

Olga, 26 years old.

Good afternoon. My girlfriend has strong feelings about moving into our new apartment. She previously lived with her parents. At the moment when I just bought an apartment in a house under construction, the girl began to experience unfavorable thoughts associated with moving to a new apartment. After moving into the apartment, fears and depression intensified. She can neither eat nor cook there, she does not want to be at all. It's been a month since I moved in and it's only getting worse. She cannot stay alone in the apartment, only if she is with me. She cannot sleep because of constant thoughts, she says that everything in the new apartment is not native to her, she wants to go back to where she lived before. When we come to visit her parents, in her old room, she feels better, depression goes away, but as soon as we go to a new apartment, everything immediately changes for the worse. She has already lost weight, her hair is falling out, she is constantly sick.
Please help me to get out of this situation.

pavlousp

Olesya Verevkina

Pavlousp, Olga - is that the name of your girlfriend?
The psychologist will comment on the topic after a while.
Could you tell us a little more about your friend and your relationship? What is a friend doing? How do you spend your leisure time? What are your relationships?
I can recommend you to get acquainted with some consultations on the topic, perhaps you will find interesting thoughts for yourself.

Evgenia Sergeeva

Administrator , Moscow

Pavlousp, good afternoon. Has the girl been examined by doctors? You described such symptoms - you constantly feel sick, your hair falls out, you lose weight - like during pregnancy. Do you rule out such a possibility?
The psychologist will answer you after a while and try to help.

Pavlous, hello! First of all, until you deal with the situation, it is better for your girlfriend to return home so as not to deepen her condition. Don't put your health at stake. Let her rest at home for now and figure out what's going on with her.
Let's try together to think about how we can help her.

Tell us more about your relationship with the girl. How old is she? What does she do? How long do you meet? How close is your relationship with the girl?
How did your girlfriend explain her dislike of the new apartment? What is it that scares her so much? Did your girlfriend stay overnight at your house or with her friends at home, did she go to rest somewhere from home, that is, did she spend several days outside the house before and how did she endure it?

I'm 27, my girlfriend is 26. We've been dating for 8 years. Pregnancy is excluded. As a child, according to her parents, she had similar problems when she was left alone in the village with her grandmother, cried and asked to go home, she was even jokingly told that she would live with her parents all her life. Relations between us were great, everything was great while I lived with her and her parents in their apartment.
She explains her dislike that everything here is alien, cannot become home. Previously, they went to rest on the sea, but by the 10th day of vacation, she had a strong desire to return to her home.
Didn't sleep with friends.

Pavlousp What is she doing? How long do you meet? How close is your relationship with the girl?

Click to reveal...

She works as a laboratory assistant at a department in one of the Universities, relationships are definitely not the cause of this problem ... since Olga even going to the dentist is accompanied by a similar anxiety before seeing a doctor. Only the anxiety about moving does not go away, as she is still not comfortable here and she wants to go back home. Although the new apartment has everything, all the furniture, household appliances, repairs, everything is as she wanted and chose.

pavlousp

Pavlousp, convince your friend to go to the doctor. Such excessive sensitivity and anxiety, such strong reactions to situations that do not threaten her - sudden weight loss, hair loss - should not be left to chance. It is necessary to undergo an examination and establish the cause of such high anxiety and metabolic disorders (hair loss and thinness). After a visit to the doctor and the results of the examination, it will be clear which methods will help your girlfriend recover and adapt more easily to situations.

In the meantime, you can choose the method of gradual addiction - let her live with her parents, but spend a day or two with you, gradually increasing the number of days (according to her well-being). Over time, the situation will become familiar to her. You can also ask your parents to give you something that will remind you of your parent's house in the new apartment - some cozy thing (plaid, pillows, lamp, children's toys, mother's home jacket, so that there are native smells). Let her slowly get used to it and settle down if the move is such a trauma for her. And you will have to wait a bit and help your friend get used to the house. How do you like this idea?

Perhaps in early childhood there was a situation when she was taken away somewhere and left for a few days, and she was afraid that they would not come for her (this happens with babies). Children are gradually accustomed to kindergarten in this way - they are taken away for several hours so that they do not worry, and then they get used to the environment and people and easily stay as long as necessary. Let's also try to gradually adapt your vulnerable girlfriend to the new environment.

Pavlousp, How do you like this idea?

Click to reveal...

Good idea about things. But there is one but. Olga does not want to touch anything in the old house in order to bring it here. It was about a chest of drawers and a sofa that we had to move to a new apartment from her old room, but she does not want to touch the furniture so as not to disturb the order there.
There is also her beloved cat, who lives in her parents' house.
And if you go to a doctor, then to a psychologist or psychiatrist? Olga does not want to see doctors, she does not want to talk to them as if they were strangers.

Let Pavlousp live with her parents, but spend a day or two with you, gradually increasing the number of days (according to her well-being).

Click to reveal...

By the way, we considered this option, she is afraid that she will not return to a new apartment if she lives again in her parents' house ...

pavlousp

Pavlousp, go to a therapist, tell me what the situation is: anxiety, sleep disturbance, nausea, hair loss, loss of appetite. Be sure to mention that you have moved into a new house and everything is new.
The therapist can refer you to various specialists for examinations: to a neuropathologist, to an endocrinologist (hormonal disruptions are possible that cause such increased sensitivity, anxiety, nausea and hair loss), allergy tests (maybe something new there makes her feel so unwell due to allergies to materials or odors) and many other options.

As for the fact that he is afraid that he will not return to a new apartment - let him not be afraid. If he doesn't want to, he won't come back. Come up with something else. So right? Let her be calm, because everything will certainly be settled and there is nothing irreparable. She must understand that there is no tragedy and catastrophe - living in a particular apartment is not an end in itself. The main thing is that everyone is fine.

Pavlousp, there is generally a radical option - if the parents understand the situation, then you can talk with them so that they move to a new apartment, and you and Olga to them - to Olga's favorite family nest. Of course, this is only one of the possible options that can be taken into consideration.