The most significant for the premarital period is decision motivation about marriage. Decision making is often polymotivated. As a rule, such motives are distinguished: love, duty, spiritual closeness, material calculation (benefit), psychological conformity, moral considerations, traditions, flight from parents, loneliness, revenge.

Any of these motives may turn out to be leading, or, when deciding to marry, partners will compromise. However, from our point of view, the leading motive for marriage is love, and young people most often put love in the first place, emphasizing the significance of this phenomenon for human life.

Love as a motive for marriage. For a long time, the topic of love in academic psychology was not given due attention. Within the framework of psychological science, a systematic analysis of the problems of love began in the 40s. 20th century The first works about love were mostly theoretical. They emphasized the complexity and complexity of the phenomenon of "love", put forward various theories of love, but so far a generally accepted concept of love has not been developed. Since the 90s. XX century there is a large number of empirical studies of various aspects of the phenomenon of "love" and love relationships.

In the philosophical encyclopedia, the concept of "love" is defined as "a moral and aesthetic feeling, expressed in a disinterested and selfless striving for its object." The specific content of this feeling, from the point of view of philosophers, is selflessness, self-giving and the spiritual closeness that arises on this basis.

Many psychologists consider love to be a selective attitude towards a representative of the opposite yol as a unique holistic personality.

The focus on the object of love should not be one-sided, selfish and involves identifying oneself with the object of love, replacing "I" with "we" (but without losing one's individuality). In this regard, it is appropriate to quote the words of E. Fromm, who insists that love must first of all be an act of will. Love, according to his point of view, - not only a feeling, this is the solution, and court, and vow.

In modern psychology, there are models of love that can conditionally be divided into "pessimistic" and "optimistic".

Theorists pessimistic directions emphasize the moment of the lover's dependence on the object of his love and the connection of love with negative experiences, primarily with the fear of losing love and a partner. Love, according to them, makes a person anxious, demonstrating victim behavior, low self-esteem, as well as aggressiveness, envy, jealousy, etc. According to this model, one partner, as it were, dissolves into the other, subordinating his personal, professional life for the sake of the partner's success, losing his individuality. In such a pair, relationships are built not according to the principle of “we”, but according to the model “I am for him”. In extreme cases, love can be a symptom of a personality pathology.

"Optimistic" models are associated primarily with the concept of A. Maslow and other representatives of humanistic psychology. Love in these models is characterized by psychological comfort and well-being, relationship satisfaction and is the main resource for resolving family conflicts and difficult life situations. The cornerstone of "optimistic" models is the idea of ​​the possibility of each partner to realize their personal potential, their life needs. At the same time, a positive attitude towards the partner is formed in the couple, understanding and supportive behavior is demonstrated. Such love makes people happy and provides the opportunity for a long, prosperous marriage between a man and a woman. Psychologists believe that love is made up of an exchange of pleasant words and actions for a person, which lasts for a rather long period. A marriage can be successful if both partners make decisions and do things that make each spouse feel loved and appreciated.

How does love arise? Russian family psychologist L. M. Pankova distinguishes three stages of the birth of love.

• 1. Interest, liking, attraction. We say: "I like him (she)". This is quite enough for the first rapprochement, the emergence of friendship between a boy and a girl. Such relationships can be long-term and short-term, romantic or everyday, but they are always very pleasant, cheer up, although so far they do not oblige to anything. When there is a person who likes you and who likes you, the vitality rises, personal actions for self-improvement are activated.
• 2. admiration, admiration, love, passion. These feelings already create a certain tension and intensity, they always arise, but they tire, knock out of the rhythm, require their resolution. It is difficult to live in a state of passionate excitement. Passion must either be extinguished or be satisfied. If the feelings of one are warmed up and encouraged by the other, the possibility of turning friendships between sympathetic men and women into a love affair becomes a reality. Further, everything depends on upbringing, culture, volitional components, moral attitudes, etc., i.e. from the personality itself.
• 3. Worship, respect, devotion. You can experience passion as an obsession, but you cannot love a person without respecting him. At this stage, love leads a man and a woman to make a decision about marriage.

Love that has gone through all three phases of development is an individual feeling for life.

With this point of view, we can partly agree. Indeed, as practice shows, it may happen that passionate premarital love does not become the key to a successful family life in the future. Strong emotions can interfere with the orientation of partners to personal characteristics or will be of a secondary nature, they reduce the accuracy of relationships and mutual understanding, and contribute to the idealization of a partner. And the idealization of a partner and love for a partner, as already noted, are not the same thing.

Continuing the conversation about love, it is worth noting the interesting arguments of the American psychologist and psychotherapist R. May about unity of love and will- in this his position coincides with E. Fromm.

R. May argued that modern society suffers from an unhealthy separation of love and will. The concept of love is associated with sensual attraction, identified with sex, while the concept of will is attributed the meaning of stubborn determination in achieving goals and realizing any ambitions. When love is seen only as sex, it becomes temporary and uncommitted; Will disappears and only desire remains. Therefore May proposes to unite will and love. For a mature personality, both love and will mean striving outside, towards another person. Love and will together provide a sense of caring in relationships, help to understand the need for choice, imply action and require responsibility. It is no coincidence that psychologists single out responsibility and obligation, sexual relations and trusting communication in the “structure of love”.

R. Sternberg, professor of psychology at Yale University, created his own theory of love, which he called triangulated. The meaning of the triangulated model is that, according to Sternberg, true love must necessarily include three components: intimacy, passion and devotion. These components of love can be likened to the sides of a triangle: depending on their relationship, the shape and area of ​​such "virtual" triangles, symbolizing this or that love, will differ.

Intimacy is the emotional component of love, which implies intimacy and mutual support. This element tends to increase as the relationship is formed.

Passion is an element of motivation and reflects the sexual side of love. Sternberg likens passion to a drug that attracts people and promises them pleasure, but does not always live up to expectations. As in the case of drug addiction, the sudden cooling of one of the partners can cause a withdrawal effect in the other, manifested in bouts of depression and mental pain. As relations between people develop, passion on the external level gradually decreases, although, according to the author's assumption, it remains in a latent form in the form of "positive potential".

The third element in this model is devotion, according to the author, is a cognitive (cognitive) component of love 1 . From our point of view, loyalty can be seen as an obligation, a responsibility.

In terms of a better understanding of the concept of "love", the works of the American psychologist Zeke Rubin are interesting, who proposed his own method for developing the relationship of a couple in love based on two motives: love and sympathy (disposition), i.e. he separated "love" and "like".

Based on the conclusions of Z. Rubin, already in the ordinary sense, love and sympathy (disposition) differ not only quantitatively (love as the highest degree of disposition), but also qualitatively. The evaluative component predominates in the disposition: only someone who has some positive or desirable qualities (in this case, it does not matter - real or imaginary) can be liked, but this is not necessary in love. Love is not an arrangement, but an intense need for a given person, a passionate desire to possess, take care of him, be needed by him, regardless of the assessment of his qualities.

The authors of this textbook conducted a study of the ideas of modern Russian youth about love. To collect empirical data, the following were used: the color relationship test (CRT), developed under the guidance of A. M. Etkind; the methodology “Studying the idea of ​​love”, developed by R. R. Kalinina and A. A. Mironova; author's technique "Unfinished sentences".

The results of all three methods give grounds to assert that the ideas of love among today's youth have certain features due to gender differences.

For Etkind's CTC, the following words and phrases were chosen as meaningful units: "Love", "Love as an experience", "Love as an action", "The person who loves", "The person who is loved".

Statistically significant differences are found when associating the concept of "Love as an experience". For men, “experiences” seem to be something obscure, fanned by a kind of nebula, close to depression and deep reflection of feelings. For women, "Love as an experience" is the ability to receive satisfaction from desires, the desire for affection. Women's love experiences are characterized by reflection of feelings and hopes for a realistic future.

Also, statistically significant differences were found in the concept of "A person who loves". In the understanding of women, he appears as an active, striving for real achievements, an open person with great hopes, who is characterized by strong emotions and reflection of feelings. Men understand the "Man who loves" as dreamy, characterized by hopes and worries about the future, as well as a desire for self-assertion and a need for affection.

Among other concepts, the elections of men and women are, for the most part, common. For example, men and women equally understand "Love as an active activity", which is characterized by strong emotional experiences, the desire for success and the need for self-realization. "The person who is loved" is understood by young people as open, waiting for meetings, it is typical for such a person to look ahead and hope.

The psychological content of the concept of "Love", obtained by the results of the methodology of R. R. Kalinina, has both common and different characteristics for men and women. So, common to all men and women is the disclosure of the concept of "Love" through the description of feelings, emotions, both positive and negative, which can characterize love as happiness and pain, joy, suffering and jealousy. Also, for men and women, love is generally understood as an interpersonal relationship, which may mean mutual understanding, respect, and at the same time there are references to the negative aspects of relationships: betrayal, unrequited love. Half of men and women understand love as a sexual relationship.

Men are much more likely than women to understand love through a description of family life, i. they are more likely to understand love as marriage, parenthood, living together. Women, in turn, are more likely than men to understand love through the description of personal qualities, such as sincerity, responsibility, honesty, dedication, kindness.

The analysis of the results of the author's methodology "Incomplete sentences" supplements the information obtained in the course of previous studies, and gives reason to assert that "Love" is understood by men and women in a dual way. Men write about a woman's love that it is "a rarely evoked feeling, a game, changeable, deceptive"; women, in turn, characterize a man's love as “destructive, fickle, unpredictable; depends on sex. Men describe the image of themselves as a loving person with such words as quivering, easily vulnerable. Women characterize their love as "comprehensive, real, fragile reward."

What are the possible reasons for the disappearance of love from the relationship of a man and a woman who are married? After all, even survey respondents who note that the leading motive for marriage was calculation, profit, still speak of the presence of love for a partner. This question can be answered using the following arguments.

In the relationship of a premarital couple, in addition to love, such feelings as falling in love, partial love stand out. Love is friendship, tenderness, recognition of inner virtues, acceptance and understanding of the partner's individuality, the determinants of personal growth. E. Fromm considered love as a skill, feeling and act of will. He wrote that one must learn to love, gradually master its theory and practice. Mature love is one of the most important human emotions, meaning unity in individual actions. Love is an active force characterized by concern for the other person, openness, respect and understanding of the other person.

Falling in love is characterized by a concentration of attention on the external data of the partner (falling in love with the eyes), his social position, etc. In a situation of partial love, relationships in a couple are built mainly on the sexual attraction of partners to each other.

Here it is appropriate to show difference between love and infatuation. The need for this is dictated by the fact that when making a decision on marriage, young people may not be driven by love, but by falling in love.

I. Yu. Polyakova, O. I. Panova, A. Yu. Menshova give the following differences between these concepts (Table 2.2).

Table 2.2

Love and falling in love: eight differences

Love
Not focused on responsibility	Responsibility, discipline, development, constancy
This is the experience of special romantic emotions that have a chance to develop into love.	The basis of love is falling in love as its necessary component (the first step)
Love does not have a solid foundation: joint interests, creative deeds that require development and independent formation	This is a unifying principle, therefore, between partners there must be common interests, deeds, goals, prospects in which everyone invests their strength, soul
Most often associated with an ideal image (it is illusory). A person loves his feeling more than a real person with his merits and demerits. In a word, a man in love "loves love"	It is aimed at an object - a certain person: at accepting him as he is. Love is freedom, as it allows partners to be themselves: not to play roles, not to wear "masks"
Lasts until the first trials, which are a test of strength and truth	Reborn, strengthened and developed in trials and difficulties
More focused on oneself, on satisfaction of personal needs, personal desires	Focused on a partner and joint creative development, which includes such qualities as the ability to sacrifice personal interests for the sake of common causes; support, mutual assistance, the ability to give and share

The end of the table. 2.2

In this way:

• falling in love is inclinations, and love is ability and talent;
• falling in love is an emotional-sensory state, and love is creativity;
• falling in love is an image (role), and love is a true face;
• falling in love is idealization, and love is acceptance;
• falling in love is youth, and love is maturity;
• love is short-term and multiple, love is long-term;
• falling in love is a state when you don’t know why you love, and love is when you realize why you love.

Considering the question of the reasons for the disappearance of love from the relationship of spouses, it is worth mentioning the so-called love traps, which can be mistakenly perceived by a premarital couple as love and become a motive for making a decision to marry, which in the future may lead to difficult situations in the marital relationship. interaction.

Traps of love- this is what a person interprets as a love feeling, but in fact has nothing to do with love. Here are some of them:

• inferiority trap - an insecure person, a loser in the field of interpersonal relationships, can interpret the feeling that arises for someone who treats him well, shows attention and care, as love. But this is more gratitude than love;
• pity trap - marriage out of a sense of duty, a desire to patronize. Women and men of the patronizing type most often fall into this trap;
• wounded pride- if someone does not notice or rejects a person, then he has a need to win, to break resistance;
• mutual accessibility- quick and easy rapprochement creates the illusion of complete compatibility and cloudless life on the marriage horizon;
• profit trap- in its purest form, a marriage of convenience. Often the conclusion of a marital union is beneficial for one or both partners. Then, under the sign of love, mercantile-economic interests are hidden; according to some data, for women this is mainly the material security of the future husband, and for men - an interest in the wife's living space;
• mutual acting- partners play romantic roles in accordance with the expectations of each other, friends and relatives, and in order not to deceive these expectations, they can no longer leave the accepted roles;
• sexual comfort- this trap is prepared for those who believe that sexual compatibility, which they mistakenly interpret as love, is the main determinant of marital harmony;
• community of interest can often also be mistaken for love, especially in meaningful activities.

Perhaps the reason for the disappearance of love from the relationship of a man and a woman can also be considered its ambivalent nature, i.e. that love can bring both joy and pain. I. S. Kon notes that such an interweaving of positive and negative emotions is characteristic not only for love, but also for other affective experiences. He writes: “Since passion is fundamentally insatiable, satisfaction means its extinction and death; it is always dual, ambivalent, and its object evokes alternately and even simultaneously love and hatred.

Scientists and practitioners in the field of the psychology of marital relations have long been interested in the question of keeping the feeling of love in a married couple. Even I. M. Sechenov, referring to the issue of preserving love, distinguished three successive phases in its development:

• 1) platonic love - it is love with still determined sexual desires;
• 2) love-possessionat in which bright, quivering sensations of love take the place of indefinite sexual desires;
• 3) habitual love when a partner has become "half" of another partner. (In our opinion, love out of habit is viewed positively here, and not as it is customary in modern society - with a negative connotation.)

The conclusion of I. M. Sechenov: if a person once experienced all these phases of love, he can hardly love passionately a second time. Repeated passions are a sign of dissatisfaction with previous love relationships. We add that, perhaps, a person experienced a state of falling in love, an unjustified idealization of a partner, or what we designated as the concept of “love traps” was taken for a feeling of love.

It is believed that feelings can be weakened not due to the extinction of love, but due to the action of its two laws: interiorization and rhythm.

Law of interiorization describes a kind of "coagulation" and the departure of this feeling deep into consciousness. Love does not necessarily leave spouses over the years, unless, of course, they have lost it in petty quarrels and conflicts. Most often, over time, the novelty of impressions is simply lost, getting used to what is happening in the relationship, and to the very feeling of love. As a result, love either quietly fades away (which is rare) or (which is more common) waits in the wings.

Law of Rhythm consists in a periodic change of positive and negative relations. This is typical for any relationship - love, friendship, even professional. As for love, even in a happy marriage, relationships can change. Passionate love, when the other spouse occupies a fairly large part of the attention, and his image, memories of him evoke positive emotions, can change somewhat, take the form of a calm perception of the partner and relations with him, sometimes there is some cooling, even irritation appears. This is a normal situation in the development of love relationships. The main thing is that the spouses have the ability to understand that this can happen, and give them the opportunity to take a break from each other, not to fill the partner’s attention with themselves, but to give him the opportunity to be alone. That is why psychologists advise spouses to support and develop love, because love is not only a feeling, but also an action.

Thus, considering love as the leading motive for marriage, it can be noted that it will be viable only if it is understood not only as feelings, but also as actions, and also if its structure contains such important components as responsibility, intimacy ( confidential communication) and sex. This gives us reason to answer the questions of those who say that love is gradually disappearing from the relationship of partners, that it is far from being a positive motive in accepting marriage. The answer may be: "Love is not only and not so much admiring the stars, sunsets and sunrises, it involves efforts, actions, obligations, responsibility to yourself and your partner." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said very well and correctly about this: “To love means not to look at each other, but to look together in the same direction.”

Other motives for marriage. Exploring motives for marriage in dysfunctional families, domestic family psychotherapists E. G. Eidemiller and V. V. Yustitskis in the scale of psychological reasons for the formation of dysfunctional family relationships also identified love as one of the motives for marriage. However, in terms of rank, he is in last place. The main ones here, according to scientists, are the following motives, which can lead to the breakdown of marital relations or chronic conflicts:

- running away from parents often means a passive protest against the power and authoritarianism of parents, an inability to perceive life in all its real fullness;

duty - the leading motive for deciding to marry in a situation of an unplanned (unexpected, unwanted) pregnancy of a partner. Psychologists call such a marriage a “follow-up marriage”, when a young couple has problems that are characteristic of two periods of marriage at once - adaptation to married life (honeymoon, building a role structure, building relationships with the partner’s parents, etc.) and the preparation period to the birth of the first child;

• - loneliness - typical for people who experience existential emptiness or for various reasons could not form marital relationships (negative parental messages, non-constructive life scenarios, destructive relationships in a parental couple, their own negative experience in building marital relationships, etc.);
• - revenge - used in a situation where one of the partners was rejected and out of revenge, in a short time, without completing the relationship, to a greater extent, on an emotional level, marries another person.

LB Schneider describes three motivations for marriage.

• 1. Motivation for the very fact of marriage. The main driving force in this case is the intention to marry. Sometimes this happens under the influence of other people in the implementation of the slogan "It's time!". At the same time, a partner is only a means for fulfilling a cherished desire - to get married or get married, and in general it does not matter which person is nearby. The main thing is to be and not object to marriage. If there is no such person nearby, all forces are spent on his search. By themselves, such actions are not painted in negative tones. In many cases, marriage starts from this position, and many people who have had a serious need for family self-realization live happily ever after - in any case, safely - in marriage. The problem arises when a person is subsequently encountered who is capable of causing a strong feeling. This option is not even considered as a psychological betrayal, since the inner conviction indicates that the legal spouse was just a means.
• 2. Motivation for a certain type of marriage. In these cases, more self-confident people act: they are guided by a partner who is able to fulfill their dreams, corresponds to a certain idea of ​​\u200b\u200ba prestigious version of marital relations. In the past, for a girl, a sign of a successful marriage was a marriage with a sea captain, artist, diplomat, for a young man - marriage to the daughter of famous people, bosses. In modern times, the symbol of a successful marriage is a marriage with a foreigner or a foreign woman, a rich man, a fashion model. By itself, this fact does not carry a negative connotation, God forbid, as they say, to live in love and harmony. Problems again arise if in life there is another or another. Such evaluative-comparative choices can occur many times in life: you can always find someone even better.
• 3. Motivation for a specific person. In this case, the chosen one is perceived as a specific, real person with all the weaknesses and shortcomings. Of course, I could meet better and more beautiful, but that doesn't change anything. This is a conscious choice with an attitude towards accepting a certain person and with the personal responsibility for one's feelings that follows. Eidemiller E., Yustickis V. Psychology and psychotherapy of the family. St. Petersburg: Peter, 1999.

Motives for marriage

Starting a family is one of the most important events in the life of any person. What are the psychological prerequisites for making such a decision? What are the motives for marriage between a woman and a man? I will try to answer these questions by analyzing the various options for the relationship between people who are going to marry.

Mutual love

A young man and a girl have been sympathetic to each other since childhood, their feelings have been tested by time, and in the eyes of relatives and friends they have long been considered an established couple. In this case, nothing prevents them from entering into marriage upon reaching the age of majority. Of course, they may not rush into this, postponing marriage for several years in order to decide in life, become independent, and only after that start a family. Or young people met recently, fell in love with each other and after a while were going to apply to the registry office. But he (or she) is the “only child” in the family, who was loved and cherished from birth, and parents, of course, wishing their child happiness, may be against his choice. At the same time, they are able to significantly influence the attitude of young people towards each other, especially if they are an indisputable authority for their child. The “foolish child” is shown all the shortcomings of his chosen one (chosen one) so that he himself makes the “correct” decision not to start a family. But love is a very strong feeling, and after communicating with a loved one, an attempt is again made to formalize the relationship. In such a situation, a decision on marriage can be made and postponed indefinitely, psychologically exhausting all participants in the conflict.

The levels of the ability to "love" are different - from mutual feelings to selfless selfless love that can survive the lack of reciprocity. Such a person is faithful in love and reliable in the family. If sensual pleasures inevitably lead to satiety, then love is not satiated: a loved one does not get bored, he opens up deeper and deeper. The lovers form one organism, the separation of which is like death.

Circumstances.

In life, circumstances often arise in which a decision is made about the need to formalize a relationship. This decision may be dictated by considerations of moral order, self-interest and family circumstances. A decent man, not yet burdened by the bonds of marriage, is obliged to propose to a woman who is expecting a child from him. Decency is brought up in the family from early childhood, so relatives usually do not object to such a decision, and sometimes they push it. The last word in such a situation remains with the woman. There are circumstances when a person decides to make an offer to his beloved (beloved) in order to improve her (his) financial situation or improve social status. Knowing perfectly well that that person does not experience reciprocal feelings, he does not demand anything in return. Often a marriage proposal is made for selfish purposes. Moreover, self-interest can be pursued both by those who make the offer and by those who accept it. To keep a loved one near him, the lover goes to any tricks. In such a situation, egoism of pure water reigns. The feelings and desires of a loved one are not taken into account: "I love this person, and he will be mine."

Improvement of financial situation.

The decision to marry an unloved person may be driven by a desire to improve one's standard of living. Usually, in such a tandem, one receives money, the second - a very attractive partner for marriage, as if confirming the financial position of the second with its beauty. A similar decision can also be made to improve the financial situation of the family. A person deliberately sacrifices himself, freeing relatives from the "extra mouth" or counting on helping them financially from the budget of the new family. Gratitude to the person who helped in difficult times can eventually develop into love.

Traditions.

In the Caucasus and in many eastern countries, the opinions of the bride and groom are not only not taken into account when entering into a marriage, but are simply ignored. But the most surprising thing is that young people do not really protest against such a dictate of their parents, because this is a tribute to centuries-old traditions. The decision to marry is made by the closest relatives, sometimes even before the birth of future spouses. This may be necessary to reconcile feuding families, maintain "purity of blood" or increase social status.

Hopelessness.

In many families there is a leader who determines family policy. It can be a tyrant, whose orders must be carried out unquestioningly, a bore who brings everyone to “white heat” with his moralizing, or a swindler who periodically plunges the family into a debt hole by implementing his own and other people's dubious projects. Children in such families have a completely natural desire to leave their relatives as quickly as possible and see them as little as possible. In such situations, they even decide to marry an unloved person, just to leave home. If the future spouse has a separate apartment or room, then the step towards creating a new family is even faster.

Loneliness.

Loneliness is contrary to human nature, a person has a desire to find his soul mate, able to share both joy and sadness. Some decide to remarry at a mature age, after the death of a spouse, others - to create a new full-fledged family after an unsuccessful previous attempt. It is loneliness that pushes a person to such an act, healing the “burns” from past misfortunes and failures with hope. Often this is done for the sake of the child, to give him the opportunity to grow up in a complete family.

Imitation.

A person who does not have his own opinion, in order to look like a self-sufficient person in the eyes of others, seeks to imitate others. And he even approaches the issue of creating a marriage from these positions: “Everyone creates a family, so why shouldn’t I do the same?” Two such “imitators” will meet, decide to marry (simply because everyone does it) and grayly, no different from anyone, will live their whole lives. But this, of course, is the best case. At worst, such people, even having entered into marriage, remain absolutely strangers to each other, and therefore, there can be no mutual understanding, respect, and even less love and speech. Not surprisingly, this whole undertaking is doomed to failure. And it's good if the spouses come to a unanimous decision to disperse, but if not? Well, in this case, a rather bleak existence awaits them, but a family one, like all decent people. Some “imitators” remain bachelors for life, and not at all because this is their position in life, but because there are a lot of lonely people in their environment, whom they, in fact, imitate.

ambition.

Soveem another thing - ambition. Ambitious people decide on marriage only after they have achieved the goal that they have set for themselves or that a loved one has set for them. Moreover, sometimes the process of achieving the goal is so captivating for them that the goal itself becomes uninteresting as a result.

Stubbornness.

If the spirit of contradiction is strong in a person and from childhood he does everything in defiance of his parents and friends, then in adulthood he will make a decision contrary to someone's advice.

Recklessness.

Reckless decisions about starting a family often arise due to an unexpected outbreak of passion between a man and a woman. The decision to marry in such cases is usually based on sexual feelings (“she suits me “from” and “to”). Later, disappointment may come, because physical compatibility is not enough to create a family. Such marriages rarely last.

Resentment.

After a quarrel with a loved one (beloved), to spite him or from resentment, a person may decide to marry someone else. But anger at a loved one can turn into hatred for a spouse and have tragic consequences. Often, after the reconciliation of the loving parties or the realization of a mistake, such engagements or marriages are terminated.

A pity.

Pity will never replace love. The decision to marry in this case is made out of pity for a loving person. At the same time, the one who regrets is “torn” between pity and common sense, and therefore the marriage can be constantly postponed.

Self-assertion.

Sometimes, when creating a family, a person is driven by a desire to assert himself. He believes that only such a decision will save him from the psychological (physical) pressure of others. After marriage, three options are possible for him:

1. He will not be able to take a leading role in the family and, remaining in secondary roles, will not change anything in his life. After such a failure, he will reconcile himself and live a “happy” family life for many years.

2. He will take the leading role in the family. But, having received the official right to leadership, he will become a tyrant or a bore, overwhelming with his "authority" of all households.

3. If a family was created out of mutual love, a person can “spread his wings”, and he realizes his spiritual and physical potential.

Extreme.

There are people who constantly lack impressions in life, both positive and negative. For them, marriage can be like another adventure. For the same reason, they may decide to divorce.

Owners.

There are people who all their lives use only their plate, their spoon, their cup. They marry to acquire another "property". In this case, the decision to create a family is made once and for life. Love doesn't play any role here at all.

Also according to L.B. According to Schneider, there are the following three types of motivation for marriage:

Motivation for the very fact of marriage. The main driving force in this case is the intention to marry. Sometimes this happens under the influence of others in the implementation of the slogan "it's time!". At the same time, the other person is only a means for the fulfillment of a cherished desire. By themselves, such actions are not painted in negative tones. In many cases, marriage starts from this position, and people who have had a serious need for family self-realization live happily ever after, in any case, live happily in marriage. Problems arise when a person later meets who is able to cause a strong feeling.

Motivation for a certain type of marriage. In this case, people are guided by a partner who is able to fulfill their dreams, who corresponds to a certain idea of ​​​​a prestigious version of marriage. In itself, this fact also does not carry a negative connotation. God forbid, as they say, to live in love and harmony. Problems again arise if another or another meets in life.

Motivation for a certain person. In this case, the chosen one is perceived as a specific real person, with all the weaknesses and shortcomings. Of course, they can meet better and more beautiful, but that doesn't change anything. This is a conscious choice with an attitude towards accepting a certain person and with the personal responsibility for one's feelings that follows.

There are many other motivations for marriage. In the course of my work, I conducted a small study: a circle of boys and girls aged 20-22 was interviewed - what motive for marriage, in their opinion, prevails. The results of the study are shown in the following table:

Motives for marriage (in %)

motives	Guys	girls
Commonality of views and interests
Feeling lonely
Feeling of compassion
baby waiting
Accident
Financial security of the future spouse
Availability of housing for the future spouse
Other motives

Whatever motivation prevails when entering into marriage, the most important thing is that it be conscious, and then, provided that people do not dissemble with themselves, their intentions are serious, and responsibility for family life is taken in full, there is a chance that a marriage that starts from these positions can be successful. According to I.S. Turgenev, you can "live to love." The problem arises when the motives are divided: one thing is declared, as a rule, they talk about love and even begin to believe in it themselves, but the real motive is another - pity, revenge, fear of loneliness, etc.

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Course work

"Motives for Marriage of Men and Women"

Content

• Introduction
• 1.1 Family and marriage history
• 1.2 Sex differences
• 2.2 Love as the main motive for marriage
• 2.3 Motives for marriage between men and women
• Chapter 3
• Bibliography

Introduction

Marriage is a legitimate recognition of the relationship between a man and a woman, which is accompanied by the birth of children and responsibility for the physical and moral health of family members.

Marriage and the family are among such phenomena, the interest in which has always been stable and widespread. For society, the question of knowledge of these social institutions and the ability to direct their development is of paramount importance, because the reproduction of the population, the creation and transmission of spiritual values ​​largely depend on their condition.

It has been empirically proven that the peculiarities of choosing a partner, the nature of premarital and premarital courtship, and the decision to marry can become a source of difficulties in family life.

When studying a married couple (marriage union) who applied for psychological counseling, it is necessary to understand what brought the spouses together and still supports their marriage, how the process of forming a married couple took place, how each of them chose a partner - based on the mere similarity with itself or relying on more complex emotional and environmental factors.

Topicwork: Motives for marriage between men and women.

Relevanceresearch: Marriage is the most complex social institution, which is the cumulative result of the interaction of social, natural, individual and social factors, individual and general. The stability of both the marriage itself and the family based on it will largely depend on the content and nature of the motives for marriage. The study of these motives makes it possible to find out the mechanism for the formation of future marriage and family relations and to predict their positive or negative social potential.

An objectresearch: family psychology.

Subjectresearch: motives for marriage.

Targetresearch: highlight the motives for marriage and determine their gender differences.

Hypothesisresearch: Men's motives for marriage are different from those of women.

Tasksresearch:

1. To carry out an analysis of the psychological literature on the topic.

2. To identify the motives for marriage of men and women.

3. Scaling the motives for marriage depending on gender.

4. To identify differences in the motives for marriage between men and women.

Methodsresearch:

1. Analysis of the literature on the research topic.

2. Observation.

3. Survey and questioning.

4. Quantitative and qualitative analysis of the results of the experiment.

motive marriage husband family

Chapter 1. Psychology of the family and the problem of gender differences in family relations

1.1 Family and marriage history

The European type of marriage arose more than 300 years ago, but the history of the emergence of a monogamous family goes back many millennia.

Counts. That promiscuity existed in primitive human society, i.e. disorderly sexual relations took place. The creation of stable pair bonds could serve as a factor preventing the complete destruction of the early human community. With the advent of childbirth, sexual intercourse was streamlined, but it would be wrong to consider this time as the onset of marriage. Sexual relations exist both before marriage and outside of marriage; marriage carries certain rights and obligations. For the first time such obligations arose with the advent of group marriage. In a group marriage, rights and obligations arise in the provision of food and education for children and adolescents. All the children were in the women's group, and only when they grew up did the boys move into the men's group; the leading role began to belong to a woman, i.e. the age of matriarchy has come.

It has long been noted that among many peoples, all family rights are based on the mother, and not on the father. On the basis of such facts, they came to the conclusion that at first there was a matriarchy, which manifested itself essentially in the multifunctionality of a woman, and not in her supremacy.

Initially, there was no marriage as such, therefore, there was no family, there were only tribal unions in which there was a "communal marriage". Such sexual relations were called hetaerism.

The presence of polygamy among primitive peoples is associated with two reasons:

one). They do not have "monotheism", there is a pantheon of gods: senior and subordinates;

2). Absence of asceticism.

Polygamous relationships do not negate love at all, but love does not always happen in our usual monogamous marriages.

Kupriyanchik L.L. (Psychology of love. Donetsk, 1998) believes that polyandry, for example, arose, firstly, huge bride-prices were accepted among some peoples, and the parents of several brothers had to "buy" one wife for them all; secondly, a significant excess of the number of men over the number of women at marriageable age.

The next stage in the development of marital relations is monogamous marriage in its modern form. With the emergence of private property and the expansion of barter, the man gradually comes to the fore. The task of the woman began to be reduced to the birth of children who would inherit the father's property. Marital fidelity becomes important. The only "reliable" way for a man to get his own child as heirs is to tightly control and limit a woman. Patriarchy, in its psychological essence, does not express the power of the husband, but the power of the father, since it is associated with the law of inheritance. In this sense, a monogamous family should be understood as a one-sided paired family: the woman switched to monogamy (transferred), but the man did not.

Several millennia BC, the code of the Babylonian king Hammurabi fixed the inequality of spouses - the code recognizes monogamy, but allows the husband to take concubines, and punishes his wife especially severely for infidelity. Similar laws were issued in ancient and middle ages in all countries. Russia did not escape them either, where a woman was completely dependent on her husband, and this dependence was enshrined in legislation.

However, more and more meetings of men and women began to be selective, which gradually resulted in the creation of a family. The woman probably played a big role here. If she is already limited, “tied” to the hearth and only, in essence, transferred to the ownership of her husband, who is assigned the role of breadwinner, breadwinner and heir, then let it be “any” man. Gradually, monogamy from a dominant behavior becomes a dominant value. In monogamous couples, choice is of great importance, families are built on the basis of love, marital fidelity is valued.

For the first time in history, the equality of men and women before the law was proclaimed by the French Revolution of 1793, when marriage by mutual consent was introduced, a system of divorces was introduced, and the distinction between legal and illegal children was abolished.

Thus, the path to a monogamous family was long and difficult. Relationships between the sexes were constantly changing. They are happening now: views on the sexual behavior of men and women are changing.

In all countries, the level of urbanization affects family structure. Spacious families are less common. The number of children in the family is decreasing. In modern cities, the free choice of a partner is sharply increasing. The age of young people entering into marriage is increasing. The power of parents over children and the power of men over women is declining. Migration processes are intensifying, in which the modern family falls.

If we confine ourselves to the last years of European civilization, then it can be noted that the family is built around marital relations, and not for the sake of blood; there is a growing tendency for family members to individualize; alternative forms of marriage and family relations arise; marriage is freed from religious, national, socio-demographic prejudices; new ways of solving family problems are being formed.

Domestic and foreign monographs devoted to the problems of family and marriage are no longer rare (E.G. Eidemiller, V.V. Yustitskis, B.N. Kochubey, V. Satir, D. Skinner, G. Navaitis, etc.). Most of the studies reflected the motives for marriage, the functions of the family, the causes of family conflicts and divorces, methods of family therapy. The circle of psychological works in which the evolution of the family, its structure, the specifics of relations, both marital and parent-child, would become the subject of study, is significantly limited. Of the well-known works, we can mention the studies of A.G. Kharchev and V.N. Druzhinin.

The reason, apparently, lies in the fact that in-depth studies of family relations and the process of raising children in the family began only in the 20th century. In this case, the quantitative and qualitative evolution of the family was studied, on the one hand, on the basis of ethnographic data, information about the life of peoples and tribes preserved at the primitive level of development, and on the other hand, using the analysis of ancient written sources - from the Russian "Domostroy" to Icelandic sagas. Interesting attempts are being made to trace the development of types, family models based on a comparison of world religions (V.N. Druzhinin), biblical texts (D. Laryu).

We can agree with the statement that each culture generates a certain normative model of the family, more precisely, a group of models. The structure of the normative model includes elements - normative family members, each of which is characterized by a certain status, i.e. a position with certain rights and obligations, with which the relevant behavior is associated.

1.2 Sex differences

Since the mid-1970s, up to 1.5 thousand papers have been published annually on the problem of gender differences in the world. The efforts of researchers were aimed at inventorying sex differences and clarifying their origin. Thus, in 1974, a monograph by American researchers E. Maccoby and C. Jacklin "The Psychology of Sex Differences" was published, in which a critical analysis of most publications on this problem is given. Based on the analysis, they divided the sex differences into three groups.

Reliable: Boys (men) are more aggressive and more successful in math and visuospatial operations, while girls (women) have more developed language skills. The aggressiveness of men is more often antisocial in nature, in women it is more often manifested in disagreement, verbally, in the form of a protest against something.

Doubtful: in boys and girls - in obedience and caring, dominance, fear and anxiety, desire for competition, tactile sensitivity, general level of activity.

Unconfirmed: girls (women) have a determining influence of the environment on their development, more suggestibility and social orientation, higher success in tasks requiring standard solutions, less self-esteem and need for achievements. In boys (men) - the determining influence of heredity on their development, success in performing complex and non-standard tasks, analytical and cognitive style, the predominant development of the auditory analyzer.

Research carried out in the laboratory. B.G. Ananiev in the 1960s, revealed differences between the sexes in the cognitive sphere. When studying the properties of cognitive activity of boys and girls (student groups from 17 to 22 years old), the following results were obtained:

general awareness, reflecting the interests of a person and testifying to his erudition, as well as general understanding, demonstrating quick wit as a property of the mind and character of a person, is noticeably higher among young men;

the speed of concentration of attention on complex intellectual tasks, observation, spatial representations, non-verbal (practical) and general intelligence are higher in young men;

verbal (speech) intelligence, including vocabulary, logical thinking, its generalization in most groups of girls exceeds the same indicators in youth groups.

As a result of the survey on the Wechsler battery of tests, out of 14 obtained indicators of intelligence, three had a clear superiority in the female group, namely:

indicators of short-term memory (helping to solve operational problems);

vocabulary (speaks of erudition and ease of verbal reproduction of knowledge);

adaptability of the mind, which facilitates the solution of communicative tasks that require flexibility in communication.

Differences between men and women in auditory and visual perception were revealed. Women have a high sensitivity in recognizing changes in the tone and volume of the voice (which gives them the opportunity to better perceive the state of another person), men are better oriented in where the sound stimulus comes from (Piz A., Piz B., 2000). On a sample of 1500 respondents, significant statistical differences were found in color preferences for the urban environment in men and women, women prefer more subtle shades of color. They are also more sensitive to the shape of the spatial environment of life (Andreeva T.V., 19976).

Modern neurophysiological and neuropsychological studies show some differences in the morphology and functioning of the brains of men and women. So, research by R. Gorsky from the University of California confirmed that in women the bundle of nerves connecting the two hemispheres of the brain (the so-called corpus callosum) is thicker than in men, and a woman has 30% more connections between the right and left sides of the brain (Piz A., Piz B., 2000). Most researchers are inclined to believe that the right and left hemispheres function more autonomously in men than in women, and the relationship of interhemispheric asymmetry with sex was identified already in the first day of life, and that the corpus callosum, which is responsible for transmitting information from one hemisphere to the other is arranged differently in boys and girls by the time of birth (Kagan V.E., 1991).

The greater number of connections between the two hemispheres explains the ability of women to conduct several unrelated cases, their fluency of speech, as well as intuition. The male brain is specialized. Its features (a small number of connections between the right and left hemispheres, division into departments) contribute to the concentration of a man on a separate task, most men can only do one thing at a certain period of time, for example, they are not able to watch TV and listen to another person (Piz A., Pease B., 2000).

According to N.N. Obozov, men are characterized by objectivity as an orientation to real facts in assessing the perception of the world, while women are characterized by subjectivity and impressionability as a perception oriented to their state, which prevails in assessing the external world. Interpersonal relationships in men are more straightforward (more often according to the "yes - no" scheme), women in relationships with people show greater sensitivity to various nuances of communication. In relation to men, verbal rewards relax and slow down activity, in women, on the contrary, they excite and accelerate it - hence the love for compliments (Obozov N.N., 1995).

It is interesting to study the behavior of men and women in a stressful situation. A study conducted in the laboratory of B.G. Ananiev in 1966, showed that women react to the extreme situation itself, while men expend energy already on the idea of ​​an extreme situation. The behavior of men in this case often ends in failure. From the point of view of saving resources, the female type of reaction of the body and nervous system is better (half an hour before the exam, within one hour of the exam itself and half an hour after it, the blood sugar level, blood oxygen saturation, saliva acidity and other indicators were measured). B.G. Ananiev in this regard noted that the advantages of a person often lie not in his knowledge and properties of the intellect, but in his energy capabilities (Ananiev B.G., Dvoryashina M.D., Kudryavtseva N.A., 1968).

According to A. Anastasi, the superiority of men is noted in the speed and coordination of movements, orientation in space, understanding of mechanical relationships, and mathematical reasoning. Women also showed superiority in manual dexterity, perceptual speed, counting, verbal memory, verbal fluency and other tasks, including speech skills. Thus, as N.N. Obozov, the advantage of women is not only energetic, but also informational when it comes to studying at school and at the university. Where does this advantage go when a person moves from theory to the real world? This world is not waiting for women, but for men (maternity leave, distraction for raising children, saving the family).

French researchers distinguish three phases in the life of women:

1) socialization, accumulation of intellectual and professional "baggage";

2) the birth and upbringing of children;

3) self-realization, self-actualization of potential.

For men, life is more "monotonous", and only the orientation towards work or family partly changes it.

Gender differences are also manifested in life aspirations: from early childhood, men independently strive to achieve any goals, and self-esteem is based on success in work. Achievements in one or another important area, in creativity, form the basis for the development of a male personality. For the development of a woman's personality, it is very important to build successful intimate, marriage and family relationships. "For women, success in love, if possible, in marriage is a certain factor in the development of personality" (Obozov N.N., 1995, p. 36).

This, in particular, is evidenced by a study of women who in their youth chose one of the most creative specialties - architecture. It turned out that the direction of their interests and activity a few years after graduation from the university differs from the direction of the interests of men in the same profession. Thus, with the help of cluster analysis on the male and female subsamples, five main types of orientation of interests in various fields of activity were identified.

For men, these are: the orientation of interests towards creativity (with the dominance of the values ​​"creativity", "work", "love", "knowledge" and with the denial of the value "family"), towards knowledge ("freedom", "knowledge", "independence" ), to work ("work", "friends", "creativity"), "freedom-loving-hedonistic" type ("freedom", "creativity", "love", "pleasure") and "harmonic type" ("family" , "love", "work", "creativity"). Thus, in men, only in the last type of orientation, one of the dominant values ​​is "family".

In women, along with "male" types of orientation of interests - to knowledge ("equality", "knowledge", "friends") and creativity ("creativity", "knowledge", "freedom"), which are confirmed by the activity of representatives of these types in these areas and creative results, specifically female types of orientation of interests were revealed: the "harmonic type" (with the dominance of the values ​​"love", "family", "creativity"), as well as two significant types of purely family orientation: 1 - with the dominance values ​​"family", "love", "financially secure life"; 2 - "freedom", "love", "family".

The analysis showed that the orientation of interests is also confirmed by the direction of activity in the relevant areas. Thus, women architects with a focus on the family often worked outside their main profession, found part-time work (leading circles or scientific work) in order to be able to take care of children. Women with a focus on creativity achieved high results in their profession (winning competitions, interesting projects), but this was partly due to the pushing aside family priorities (rejection of the values ​​of "family", "materially secure life" and even "love"). Men with a focus on creativity have more balanced priorities.

Thus, in the majority of women who chose a creative specialty in their youth, in adulthood (about 30 years old), family orientation prevails. The most creatively active women are forced to compensate for this with some disharmony in life in the form of a rejection of family values, material security, later marriage or, at best, limiting children to one child (Andreeva T.V., 1989, 1996, 1997).

Biologically confirmed is the need for men to explore and change the world around them, for women - a great need to study people. So, even at the age of 12 weeks, when the influence of the environment is still barely noticeable, girls have a much higher interest in photographs of a person's face. At 24 weeks, girls prefer pictures of a human face to other objects. Boys at 24 weeks show more interest in geometric shapes than in faces.

S.V. Kovalev (1988) notes that as early as at the age of 1.5-2 years, a great inclination of boys to transformative activity is clearly manifested (whereas girls prefer to be active within the established limits), their desire to analyze the internal mechanisms and meaning of phenomena and circumstances (representatives of a weak sex in such cases, they usually appeal to the criteria of quality and usefulness), which is clearly enhanced at school age, when the activity of the stronger sex in numerous (and not always necessary) events clearly depends on his understanding of their meaning and significance, while girls and girls the suggested or outwardly given meaning of things turns out to be quite sufficient.

N.N. Obozov (1995), based on studies by a number of authors, emphasizes the following psychological differences between men and women.

There are differences between the sexes in regards to praise and rewards. A woman, even if she understands that the work is done well, still feels the need for the work to be noted by the people around her. Men also like rewards for their work, but if a man is confident that he has done a good job, then he will have a high opinion of himself, even if his work is not recognized by others. Men are more independent in self-esteem from the opinions of others. This is noted by family counseling workers - housewives and retired women often suffer from an unmet need for recognition (from indifference, inattention of other family members) and underestimation of their work (Kelam A., Ebber I., 1985).

Women, more than men, need the intimacy of a relationship as a trusting relationship with a specific person. Trust as an integral part of physical and spiritual intimacy is more pronounced in women. A greater need for intimate relationships (during adolescence) coincides with a greater ability for girls to establish contact with members of the opposite sex. In adolescent boys, difficulties in relationships with members of the opposite sex lead to increased sports or alcohol consumption (Obozov N.N., 1995).

If there is no intimate relationship, women feel hurt more than men. But at the same time, the ability to disguise and sublimate is better developed in women. Men are more straightforward in their needs, which makes them more understandable and predictable.

Women have a higher ability to socially realize their potential, they are more adequate in life situations. The strongest means of sublimation is communication with the child. The child can almost completely satisfy the need for intimate, trusting relationships. Women are better prepared for possible breaks in intimate relationships. Despite their sensitivity to confidential communication, women are more likely to re-establish intimate relationships. Existing norms in society allow for greater freedom for women to express their emotions and recognize their own weaknesses. The inability to cope with their emotional problems has always been considered the lot of women. The greater susceptibility of women to mental disorders indicates their willingness to give in in the face of difficulties. They are more likely than men to seek help from other people, including girlfriends, psychologists, doctors. At the same time, greater emotionality and orientation towards relationships can form a vicious circle of problems, especially since "advisers" can unwittingly be interested persons (Obozov N.N., 1995).

It was found that men and women also differ in basic (central) needs that are satisfied in marriage. So, Willard Harley, on the basis of psychotherapeutic work with thousands of married couples, identifies the following five needs in marriage for men (by which the author rather understands expectations regarding a partner):

1) sexual satisfaction,

2) holiday companion,

3) the attractiveness of the wife,

4) housekeeping (or "home support" by the spouse),

5) admiration (moral support by the wife). According to the needs of women:

1) tenderness (atmosphere of romance and caring),

2) the opportunity to talk,

3) honesty and openness,

4) financial support,

5) the husband's devotion to the family (the fulfillment of his father's duties).

According to Harley, often the failures of men and women in building a family are due simply to ignorance of each other's needs. Since the needs of husbands and wives are so different, it is not surprising that people find it difficult to adjust to married life. A husband may sincerely seek to satisfy his wife's needs, but if he believes that her needs are similar to his own, then he will fail (Harley W., 1992).

There is evidence of differences in communication styles between men and women, as a result of which each of the spouses may feel that the partner does not want to listen to him and does not understand him. Thus, the author believes that men value independence, assertion of status more, and women value intimacy (confidence in relationships).

Women also love the process of discussion itself, for them it is evidence of an equal dialogue. Men, as a rule, are oppressed by long discussions on topics that seem insignificant to them (D. Tannen, 1996). The author believes that gender differences are manifested in the mentality of men and women. So, if a woman begins a dialogue with the traditional: “What do you think about this?”, A man is sure that they are waiting for a decision from him (therefore, he is not inclined to listen for a long time, he will mobilize in order to help).

When comparing these conclusions with modern data of neurophysiologists, we can conclude that such differences have not only and not so much a cultural, but also a completely physiological (or, more correctly, neuropsychological) explanation associated with the peculiarities of the work of the brain of men (in this case, boys). Thus, the authors of the book "Boys and Girls - Two Different Worlds" V.D. Eremeeva and T.P. Khrizman describe an experiment with encephalographic measurements taken with children of 4 years of age. It turned out that the brain of girls and boys reacts differently in a situation of danger (fantastic in this study). In boys, the activity of the brain is selective: the auditory and motor centers of the speech hemisphere are turned on, as well as the frontal structures that program the child's subsequent actions and predict the result. Boys briefly, but vividly and selectively react to an emotional factor, while in girls in a situation of activity that evokes emotions, overall activity increases sharply, and the emotional tone of the cerebral cortex increases. Perhaps, the authors write, this is how the maximum orientation of the female body to survival is achieved. Men, on the other hand, usually quickly relieve emotional stress and switch to productive activities instead of experiences (Eremeeva V.D., Khrizman T.P.). The authors advise women teachers to tell boys briefly and specifically what is required of them, without resorting to long notations, because otherwise the boy really "does not hear."

Much the same seems to apply to the reactions of adult males - they wait for information about what specific help they should provide if a woman tells them about her problems. Men do not always understand that all they need is active listening and empathy.

Men and women have different ideas about what is important and when it is important to communicate. In addition, women tend to express their thoughts in an indirect form, they often only hint at what they want to say. Perhaps this reflects the centuries-old subordinate position of women in society. Men, on the other hand, are usually annoyed by the “blunt” conversation, they ask to speak to the point or do not notice the meaning of what the woman said (hint), since the phrase is understood literally (Piz A., Piz B., 2000). A woman who believes that her hint is well understood may be offended by her companion (husband), deciding that he is ignoring her desires.

Some authors point out that in young women (senior students), physical attractiveness is the basis for a sense of happiness and high self-esteem. In young males (students), physical attractiveness was associated with a sense of happiness, while the relationship was reversed with self-esteem. (Mattes and Hahn, 1975, cited in Human Psychology from Birth to Death, 2001). Other studies have shown that women's self-esteem is more related to the salary they receive than to their appearance. The self-esteem of both is equally vulnerable, and events such as illness, financial problems, job failures, or divorce significantly weaken self-confidence. It turned out that 95% of the women surveyed believe that it is the family that helps them to preserve their inner strength (Vitkin D., 1996).

For men, talking means communicating facts. They talk mostly in their minds, to themselves (about solving a given problem). Women, on the other hand, often "think aloud", sorting through all the possible options for their future actions, which often tire their husbands.

N.N. Obozov based on the analysis of data from different authors (O. Weininger, P. Astafiev, G. Geiman, B. Ananiev, V. Kulikov, etc.) concludes about the functional purpose of men and women:

men - transformers of the outside world, pioneers in the development of time and space; a man, transforming the outside world, can both create and destroy it; women - the guardians of human life and the world around them (children, relatives); woman stabilizes everything, conserves life to preserve it

1.3 Ideas about family and marriage among boys and girls

C.V. Kovalev emphasizes the importance of forming adequate marriage and family ideas for boys and girls. Currently, young people's ideas about marriage have a number of negative features: for example, at the age of 13-15, there is a progressive separation and opposition of the concepts of love and marriage. Among students (according to a questionnaire survey, the importance of love when choosing a life partner was in fourth place after the qualities of "respect", "trust", "mutual understanding". There is a clear "pushing aside" love in marriage against the background of its previous omnipotence. That is, young men and girls can perceive the family as a hindrance to their feelings and only later, painfully through trial and error, come to comprehend the moral and psychological value of marriage.The task is to form an understanding of the value of the family in high school students and try to create a correct understanding of the relationship between love and marriage and the role love as the basis of a long-term union.

The next thing that characterizes the marriage and family ideas of young people is their obvious consumer unrealism. So, according to V.I. Zatsepin, in the study of students, it turned out that the average desired spouse in its positive qualities was superior to the "average" real young man from the immediate environment of female students, similarly to male students, the ideal spouse was presented in the form of a woman who was not only better than real girls, but also surpassed themselves in intelligence, honesty, fun and diligence.

Young people are characterized by a divergence in the qualities of the desired life partner and the intended partner in everyday communication, from the circle; which this satellite, in general, should be selected. Surveys of sociologists have shown that personality traits that are considered significant for an ideal spouse are not of decisive importance in real communication between boys and girls.

Our study (in 1998-2001) of the premarital preferences of male and female university students showed a largely similar picture. The open form of the survey (the wording was proposed by the respondents themselves) revealed that the image of the preferred partner should include such qualities as (in descending order): external data, positive character traits (different for each of the respondents - kindness, loyalty, modesty, decency, good breeding , industriousness, etc.), intelligence, communication data, sense of humor, gaiety, femininity, sexuality, patient attitude towards the person who answered himself, general development (spiritual, outlook, professionalism), diligence, poise, calmness, health, material security.

The image of the future spouse includes: moral qualities (as a total index of various character traits: honesty, ability to keep one’s word, decency, fidelity, kindness, etc.), intelligence, appearance, cultural development, attitude towards the interviewee himself (loving, patient , yielding), temperament properties (equal answers - poise and impulsiveness), sense of humor, generosity, hospitality, communicative qualities, femininity. Some students found it difficult to name the qualities of their future spouse.

Table 1. Characteristics of the image of a girl with whom I would like to communicate, and the qualities that students of the University would like to see in their future spouse (Faculty of Philosophy)

	Preferred Friend Image		The image of the future wife
	External Data		Moral qualities (total index of various traits of good character)
	Moral qualities (total expression of heterogeneous qualities of good character)
			Appearance
	Communication data		Cultural development (spiritual development, education, outlook, professionalism, etc.)
	Sense of humor, fun		Relation to the answerer
	Femininity		Equilibrium
	Sexuality		Impulsiveness
	Patience towards the respondent		Sense of humor, fun
	General development (spiritual, outlook, professionalism)		hospitality, generosity
	industriousness		Communication qualities
	Balance, calmness		Femininity
	Health		Financial security, career
	Financial security		Health

Thus, some discrepancy between the images of the partner with whom I would like to communicate and the future wife was revealed. The qualities of the latter turned out to be less certain for young men, which is probably due to the general uncertainty of their family future (some young men do not think about marriage).

Table 2. Premarital preferences of female students of the University

	Image of preferred communication partner			The image of the desired spouse
	Appearance and body features			Attitude towards the respondent
	Sense of humor			maturity, responsibility
	Moral qualities (according to the sum of various properties - honesty, decency, etc.)			Financial security
	Sensitivity, kindness.
	Communication qualities			Appearance
	Attitude towards the respondent			Sense of humor
	Volitional qualities			industriousness
	Education			Patience
	Brightness, eccentricity			Self-confidence
	upbringing			"Defender"
	Financial security			Erudition
	Self-confidence			Volitional qualities
	hard work, hard work			Sociability
	Sexuality			Sexuality
	Independence			upbringing

An analysis of the premarital ideas of female students (of the Faculty of Philosophy and Economics) showed a greater mismatch than that of male students between the qualities of a preferred communication partner and the characteristics of a future (desired) spouse. So, if for the attractiveness of a partner his appearance or physique features (athleticism, sports uniform, etc.), as well as a sense of humor and intelligence are important, then among the qualities that are preferable for family life, the attitude towards the respondent herself (loving, fulfilling my desires, etc. - the wording is varied), maturity, responsibility and intelligence. Appearance and sense of humor are losing their leading positions, and communicative qualities are moving from the middle ranks to the last ones. On the other hand, half of the girls surveyed expect from their future chosen one the ability to provide for their families, and one-fourth - protection.

If we consider the premarital preferences of young people not in an average form, but to make a qualitative analysis of the data - an individual comparison of the preferences of a partner and a future husband, then we can see that students (and female students) differ greatly in the degree of correspondence between the images of a friend and a husband. For some respondents, there is a fairly large coincidence of the qualities that make a young man attractive to communicate with him, and the desired properties of the future spouse. In this case, it can be predicted that there is an awareness of personality traits that are important for long-term communication, and it is on them that these respondents are guided in choosing friends (according to S.V. Kovalev, on "significant universal human values"). There were 40% of such boys and girls in our sample. Some students have some discrepancy between the qualities of the desired partner and life partner. Unfortunately, almost half (45%) of students have an almost complete discrepancy in the image of a friend (girlfriend) and future husband (wife).

There is also another dangerous trend - the excessive requirements for a partner and spouse: this applies mainly to girls. Some of the female students revealed an almost complete list of requirements for young people from all theoretically possible - it reaches 20 qualities. Here are the mind, beauty, sensitivity, leadership qualities ("stronger than me"), security, help around the house, honesty, education, sociability, sense of humor. If at the same time the requirements are rigid, the likelihood of building successful relationships is reduced to a minimum.

IN AND. Zatsepin also notes pygmalionism in the interpersonal perception of boys and girls. A direct relationship has been revealed between the nature of self-esteem and the level of evaluation of the desired spouse in many qualities. It turned out that those who highly appreciated the degree of development in themselves of such qualities as honesty, beauty, cheerfulness, etc., would like to see these qualities in their future spouse. The works of Estonian sociologists have shown that such pygmalionism is also very characteristic of the idealized ideas of young people: for boys and girls, the ideal spouse is usually similar to one's own character (but with an increase in its positive components). In general, in these sets, cordiality, sociability, frankness and intelligence are most valued (girls still appreciate strength and determination, and young men - the modesty of their chosen ones).

At the same time, it turned out that young people starting a life together do not know each other's characters well - the ratings assigned to a life partner differed very significantly from his (her) self-esteem. Those entering into marriage endowed the chosen one with qualities similar to their own, but with their well-known exaggeration towards greater masculinity or femininity (Kovalev S.V., 1989).

So, the development of marriage and family ideas of boys and girls includes the formation of their correct views on the relationship between love and marriage, overcoming consumer tendencies in relation to the family and life partner, fostering realism and integrity in the perception of themselves and others.

A very important area of ​​sex education is the formation of standards of masculinity and femininity. It is in adolescence that schoolchildren complete the formation of the role positions of men and women. Girls have a sharp increase in interest in their appearance and there is a kind of reassessment of its significance, associated with a general increase in self-esteem, an increase in the need to please and a heightened assessment of their own and other people's successes with the opposite sex. For boys, strength and masculinity are at the forefront, which is accompanied by endless behavioral experiments aimed at finding themselves and forming their own image of adulthood. The formation of sexual consciousness, standards of masculinity and femininity begins from the first days of a child's life. However, it is carried out most intensively in adolescence and youth, when what is learned at the previous stages begins to be tested and refined in the course of intensive communication with persons of the opposite sex.

T.I. Yufereva show that practically the only sphere of life in which adolescents' ideas about the images of masculinity and femininity are formed is relationships with the opposite sex. It turned out that these ideas at each age reflect special aspects of communication: in the 7th grade - family and domestic relations, in the 8th and, especially, in the 9th - closer emotional and personal relationships between boys and girls, and the former relationships do not deepen with age, but are simply replaced by others.

Adolescents' ideas about the ideal qualities of men and women for gender relationships are mainly associated with the concept of partnership without regard to gender. Therefore, ideal representations and real behavior do not coincide, since the ideal does not perform a regulatory function. It is also sad that the concept of femininity of a young man was associated exclusively with motherhood, and in the disclosure of the concept of masculinity they forget about such a quality as responsibility (Yufereva T.I., 1985, 1987).

S.V. Kovalev argues that sex education should not smooth out, but, on the contrary, in every possible way support the sexual differences between men and women. These differences appear already in the first days after birth, becoming more and more vivid and distinct as the child grows up. The activity of the stronger sex has a peculiar object-instrumental character, while the weaker sex is emotionally expressive in nature, which is sufficiently manifested in the field of sexual behavior and inclinations.

It is difficult to overestimate the role of sex education in shaping the qualities of a family man . Here a huge role is played by the premarital experience of youth, in which it is especially important to know as many real families as possible, their relationships and ways of life. At present, acquaintance at home, which is extremely necessary for boys and girls, is not accepted for two reasons: firstly, habitually meeting outside the family circle in places of leisure, boys and girls do not have the opportunity to make a full impression of each other, since it is impossible without knowledge about how their chosen one is among relatives and friends. Secondly, only with such a “home” acquaintance can young people make a fairly accurate impression not only of the peculiarities of the family microclimate and way of life, but also of their acceptability from the point of view of the ideas accepted in their own home about the rights and obligations of family members, about how one can and should act in a family community. Based on this, young people could make a more accurate decision about the possibility of a future life together.

V.A. Sysenko (1985, p. 25) formulates the main areas of activity in preparing for family life as follows:

moral (awareness of the value of marriage, children, etc.);

psychological (the amount of psychological knowledge required

in married life)

pedagogical (skills and abilities for raising children);

sanitary and hygienic (hygiene of marriage and life);

economic and household.

Chapter 2. Psychological features of the motives for marriage of men and women

2.1 Choice of spouse and risk factors in marriage

At present, there is a general statistical trend in the world of a rapid change in the norms of sexual behavior and their corresponding moral attitudes.

The youth earlier matures physically, earlier begins a sexual life. There is an increase in the number of premarital relationships, the withering away of the so-called "double standard" (the actual permissibility of pre - and extramarital sex for men and its inadmissibility for women). There is also a change in the social and moral attitudes of young people, primarily the "liberalization" of attitudes towards premarital relationships and single motherhood (Golod S.I., 1990, 1995, 1996, 1999).

According to statistics, in Russia, 0.1% of girls have abortions before the age of 15, and at the age of 15-19 years - 10.9% (Schneider L.B., 2000). The number of illegitimate births is also growing: if from 1960 to 1970 the proportion of children born to unmarried mothers slightly decreased (from 13.11% to 10.57%) and stabilized at these figures, then since the mid-1980s there has again been a gradual an increase in the number of illegitimate births (up to 14.61% in 1990), turning into a steady increase in the illegitimate birth rate in the 1990s - up to 26.95% (and in rural areas up to 28.1%) by 1998 (Demographic Yearbook of Russia, 1999 ).

At the same time, in the United States, the authors note a certain return to more conservative morality and values, a decrease in the number of premarital relationships among young people. Views on the permissibility of premarital sex, judging by the surveys of the 1980s, began to correspond to the views that prevailed in the United States in the 1970s (Craig G., 2002). The authors attribute this to both the sobering influence of AIDS and women's increased confidence and self-esteem. The reason may also be the weakening of social pressure forcing sexual activity, so that women, most likely, follow their own convictions in this matter (Gerrard M., 1987).

In addition, the majority of college students of both sexes noted that they prefer to marry a man who has not yet lost his innocence (Williams J.D., Jacobi A.P., 1989). Although young people in the United States still considered sex to be an essential part of romantic relationships, they generally disapproved of casual relationships (Abler R.M., Sedlacek W.E., 1989).

The process of choosing a spouse and attitudes towards marriage in general are changing: marriage is not seen as a necessity, the number of one-person households among young people and among the elderly is growing; an increasing number of young people are consciously choosing a single lifestyle as their lifestyle (Craig G., 2002); the influence of parents on the choice of a spouse has decreased (excluding those families in which inheritance issues play a significant role); the expectations and demands placed by young people on family life have grown. According to some American researchers, nothing has changed in the world as much as women's ideas about how marriage should be (K. Arone, 1995); the choice is based more on personal qualities (rather than social characteristics).

Currently, there is a problem of loneliness in society. About one seventh of all residents of the country who are of marriageable age are not married (Obozov N.N., 1979). For a sociable person who knows how to build his relationships with other people, marriage is not difficult. It is much more difficult for a person who is not sociable. The main reason cited by singles is the difficulty in finding a partner. According to N.N. Obozova (1979), there are various factors that make it difficult to find a suitable partner for marriage. The growth of large cities leads to the fact that the circle of communication of a modern person is narrowing and, accordingly, the field of his choice. At the same time, the requirements for the future spouse have increased, the range of qualities of the desired partner has become wider, since modern marriage is a union of spiritually close, psychologically and sexually compatible people. There are also objective difficulties for getting to know each other: the presence of predominantly female or male enterprises (and universities), the lack of places where young people could communicate. A significant barrier to creating a family are the personal characteristics of different people: the inability to establish (and maintain) contact, communication difficulties, neurotic reactions.

N.N. Obozov and A.N. Obozova (1981) believe that with a spontaneous, free selection of marriage partners, the formed couples show sufficient compatibility only in 1/3 of the cases. It is at the stage of choosing partners that mistakes are made that further lead to the instability of marriage. There are at least two factors that can be inadequacychoicepartner: narrowing the field of choice and errors of subjective perception.

The choice of a partner is limited by age, status, territorial and other boundaries. Within the remaining field of choice, a real choice is made - individual and subjective. When choosing, the characteristics of all levels are taken into account - sexual and external data, intelligence, education, character, sphere of interests of the individual and value orientations. The variety of characteristics that require personal compatibility is the reason for the narrowing of the field of choice even in the absence of social restrictions on choice and social mobility of the population. According to A.N. Obozova and N.N. Obozov, even taking into account four non-conjugated characteristics, only one of the sixteen applicants can be the optimal partner. Thus, expanding the potential field for choosing partners is one of the conditions for the best marriage choice.

The second factor of inadequate choice is related to the mechanisms of people's perception of each other. The choice of a spouse is governed by the ideal image of a partner. The entire previous experience of communication of the individual, the standards of the parental family, literary prototypes, social stereotypes and ideals of the inner circle are involved in the creation of this image, the fallacy of the image of a partner can be one of the sources of inadequate choice.

It should be borne in mind that the characteristics by which the optimal partner is selected are difficult to recognize. For a more adequate assessment of these characteristics, a certain level of psychological preparation is required. Sufficient experience of acquaintance is very important, while A.N. Obozova, N.N. Obozov and other family researchers advise not to turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of a partner before marriage, not to hope to re-educate him "later", since the correction of an adult is an unrealistic process. Studies show that these conditions - a sufficient length of premarital acquaintance and the right system of values ​​when choosing a partner - are often absent.

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Owners.

There are people who all their lives use only their plate, their spoon, their cup. They marry to acquire another "property". In this case, the decision to create a family is made once and for life. Love doesn't play any role here at all.

Also according to L.B. According to Schneider, there are the following three types of motivation for marriage:

· Motivation for the very fact of marriage. The main driving force in this case is the intention to marry. Sometimes this happens under the influence of others in the implementation of the slogan "it's time!". At the same time, the other person is only a means for the fulfillment of a cherished desire. By themselves, such actions are not painted in negative tones. In many cases, marriage starts from this position, and people who have had a serious need for family self-realization live happily ever after, in any case, live happily in marriage. Problems arise when a person later meets who is able to cause a strong feeling.

· Motivation for a certain type of marriage. In this case, people are guided by a partner who is able to fulfill their dreams, who corresponds to a certain idea of ​​​​a prestigious version of marriage. In itself, this fact also does not carry a negative connotation. God forbid, as they say, to live in love and harmony. Problems again arise if another or another meets in life.

· Motivation for a certain person. In this case, the chosen one is perceived as a specific real person, with all the weaknesses and shortcomings. Of course, they can meet better and more beautiful, but that doesn't change anything. This is a conscious choice with an attitude towards accepting a certain person and with the personal responsibility for one's feelings that follows.

There are many other motivations for marriage. In the course of my work, I conducted a small study: a circle of boys and girls aged 20-22 was interviewed - what motive for marriage, in their opinion, prevails. The results of the study are shown in the following table:

Motives for marriage (in %)

Whatever motivation prevails when entering into marriage, the most important thing is that it be conscious, and then, provided that people do not dissemble with themselves, their intentions are serious, and responsibility for family life is taken in full, there is a chance that a marriage that starts from these positions can be successful. According to I.S. Turgenev, you can "live to love." The problem arises when the motives are divided: one thing is declared, as a rule, they talk about love and even begin to believe in it themselves, but the real motive is another - pity, revenge, fear of loneliness, etc.

3. Readiness for marriage. successful marriage

Modern marriage presents more complex requirements for the personal interaction of family members. It is not presented to spouses in a ready-made form, but is given to them as a task that requires great personal efforts, readiness and ability to make these efforts. The decrease in the age of marriage, combined with the increased duration of social maturation, leads to the fact that the increasingly complex tasks of family building fall on spouses who are less mature in personal and social terms.

Many people make the decision to marry thoughtlessly, without realizing the responsibility they take on, without learning how to communicate effectively with a partner. Under the influence of youthful charm, they rush to buy wedding rings. As a result, their expectations and hopes are unjustified. Very few people are truly prepared for the stress and friction of the early years of marriage.

Family life, opening up opportunities for personal growth and happiness, at the same time makes a lot of demands on him. Among the factors that determine the stability of young families is the readiness of young people for marriage. This is a system of socio-psychological attitudes of the individual, which determines the emotional and psychological attitude to the way of life, the values ​​of marriage.

1. The formation of a certain moral complex - the willingness of the individual to take on a new system of duties in relation to his marriage partner, future children.

2. Readiness for interpersonal communication and cooperation. The family is a small group; for its normal functioning, the coherence of the rhythms of the life of the spouses is required.

3. The ability to selflessness in relation to a partner. The ability for such a feeling includes the ability for appropriate activity, based primarily on the qualities and properties of the altruism of a loving person.

4. The presence of qualities associated with touching the inner world of a person - an empathic complex. The importance of this aspect is related to the fact that marriage by its nature becomes truly psychological due to the refinement of a person as a person. In this regard, the role of the psychotherapeutic function of marriage increases, the successful implementation of which contributes to the development of the ability to empathize, to feel into the emotional world of a partner.

5. High aesthetic culture of feelings and behavior of the individual.

6. The ability to resolve conflicts in a constructive way, the ability to self-regulate their own psyche and behavior. The ability to constructively resolve interpersonal conflicts, using them to develop interpersonal relations between spouses is considered decisive in the process of mutual adaptation of the newlyweds.

V.S. Torokhty introduced the concept of "ability to marry", which implies several components:

1. This is the ability to take care of another person, selflessly serve him, do good.

2. The ability to sympathize, empathize, sympathize, i.e. “enter” the partner’s emotional world, understand his joys and sorrows, experiences and failures, defeats and victories, find spiritual unity with another person.

3. The ability to cooperate, cooperate, interpersonal communication, the availability of skills and abilities in the implementation of many types of work, the organization of home consumption and distribution.

4. High ethical and psychological culture, offering the ability to be patient and condescending, generous and kind, to accept another person with all the oddities and shortcomings, to suppress one's own egoism. All these abilities are indicators of a person's ability to quickly change their behavior in accordance with changing circumstances, to show tolerance, stability and predictability of their behavior, the ability to compromise.

The strength of a marriage depends on many factors. After all, two personalities with their complex psychological and physiological characteristics are united in a family. It is very important for married people to be socially and psychologically mature individuals. Psychological maturity includes the absence of excessive egoism, aggressiveness, and vice versa - the ability to admit one's own mistakes and the desire for constant self-improvement in marital relations.

What are the best marriages?

Opinions on this score have always been divided. Some are of the opinion that love marriages are the most durable and strong, others - that only a marriage of convenience can be prosperous.

For several hundred years, the opinion has prevailed that marriage for love is the most durable union. And really, how can one live without feelings? Of course, marriages for love were made at all times, but in different eras fictitious marriages, then marriages of convenience prevailed.

Undoubtedly, love is the most reliable and inspiring foundation of marriage. Ideally, marriage should be based on love. But, unfortunately, it does not happen in all families, many of which are kept either on the remnants of a former feeling, or on initially different interests.

Most sociological studies in various regions found that among couples who married for love, only 46% of those surveyed still continue to experience this feeling in relation to their spouse. The rest are connected with each other by habit (18%), common views and interests (14%), love for joint children (12%), physical closeness (10%). In other words, almost half of all couples surveyed are united not by love, but by habit and children, and only 4% of unions are sealed by heartfelt desire.

According to sociological research data, 70-80% of people marry for love. The rest marry for other reasons. This means that love serves as the basis for the conclusion of only 3/4 of all marriages. And in other cases, family unions are formed by calculation or by reason.

Yes, love marriages are the vast majority, but in many of them, “surprises” and all sorts of surprises begin after the honeymoon. Paradoxically, there are far more divorces and discord among marriages of love than among marriages of convenience or reason.

According to statistics, for every 20 successful love marriages, there are 10-11 unsuccessful ones. It turns out that only half of these marriages are strong and happy. The same statistics show that among marriages of convenience, for every 20 successful, there are only 7 unsuccessful ones, that is, there are one and a half times more successes than in love marriages. But among those who marry according to reason, for 20 successful marriages there are only 4-5 unsuccessful ones.

5.2. Motives for marriage

In modern psychology, there are three motives for marriage (L. B. Schneider, 2000).

Marriage for the sake of marriage because "it's time to start a family, have children." At the same time, the other person is only a means for the fulfillment of a cherished desire - to marry or get married. And in general, all the forces are spent on finding a partner who does not cause hostility. By themselves, such actions are not painted in negative tones, and people who have had a serious need for family self-realization can live happily ever after in marriage, or, in any case, safely. In the words of I. S. Turgenev, you can even "live to love." Not without reason there is a saying among the people: "To endure - fall in love." In one of the stories of A.P. Chekhov, it is about how parents married two young people. The finale of this story is as follows: “Today we celebrate our silver wedding. We lived together for a quarter of a century! At first it was terrifying. He scolded her, beat her up, began to love her out of grief ... They had children out of grief ... Then ... wow ... they got used to it ... And at the moment she, Zoechka, is standing behind me and, putting her hands on my shoulders, kisses my bald head. Problems arise when a person subsequently meets who is able to cause a strong feeling. This option is not even considered as a psychological betrayal: after all, inner conviction indicates that the legal spouse was just a means.

Motivation for a prestigious type of marriage. In these cases, more confident people act, they are guided by a partner who is able to fulfill their dreams, who corresponds to a certain idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe prestigious version of marriage. Prestige also changes depending on changes in society. Once upon a time, in the pre-war and post-war years, for a woman a sign of a successful marriage was marriage to an officer, sea captain, artist, diplomat. For a young man - marriage with the daughter of famous people, bosses. In recent times, a marriage with a foreigner or a foreigner, a rich person, for new Russians - with a fashion model was recognized as successful. By itself, this fact is not negative. God forbid, as they say, to live in love and harmony. Problems again arise if in life there is another or another. Such evaluative-comparative choices can occur many times in life: you can always find someone even better.

Motivation to marry your loved one is the most common. In this case, the chosen one is perceived as a specific real person, with all the advantages and disadvantages. Of course, they can meet better and more beautiful, but that doesn't change anything. It was a conscious choice with an attitude of accepting a certain person and with the personal responsibility for one's feelings that follows.

The results of a survey by the All-Russian Center for Public Opinion Research (VTsIOM) showed that the majority of Muscovites - 63% - get married out of a desire to be legally married to their loved one. Women name this reason more often - in 70% of cases, compared with 54% of men, however, about 18% of Muscovites and 30% of Muscovites admitted that they enter into a marriage of convenience.

For men, procreation is also an important reason for marriage. It was named by 42% of respondents. A survey among women shows that 27% of them marry for the sake of procreation; 6% of women and 27% of men named the fear of loneliness and the desire to have a stable old age as the reason for creating a family.

Marriage as a psychological relationship, according to Jung (1995), has a number of features:

2) the inevitability of creating a happy marriage through the transformation of unconscious motives into conscious ones;

3) the possibility of establishing psychological relationships in marriage only in the second half of life;

4) a view of the conflict atmosphere as an indispensable precondition for awareness.

C. G. Jung writes that the young person is given the opportunity of an incomplete understanding of both others and himself, so he cannot be satisfactorily aware of the motives of other people, including his own. In most cases, he acts under the influence of unconscious attitudes.

Unconscious attitudes, according to Jung, are both personal and universal in nature. First of all, these are motives caused by parental influence. In this sense, for a young man, the relation to his mother is decisive, and for a girl - to his father. First of all, this is the degree of connection with parents, which unconsciously influences the choice of a spouse, encouraging or hindering it. Conscious love for the father or mother promotes the choice of a spouse similar to the father or mother.

Jung believes that if the instinct is not mutilated, then the choice of a spouse can remain free from these influences, but still they - sooner or later - will become tangible hindrances. According to Jung, the instinctive choice is the best in terms of maintaining the family, but he notes that from a psychological point of view, such a marriage is not always happy, since there is often a big difference between an instinctive and individually developed personality.

Marriage is an expensive price to pay for laundered socks for free.

A. B. Dobrovich (cited by L. B. Schneider, 2000) identified a large group of specific motives that prompt a person to marry:

Mutual acting, where young people play romantic roles;

Community of interests, when a coincidence of interests, a common passion is mistaken for a kindred spirit;

Wounded self-esteem, which encourages to achieve the “cherished” at any cost, stimulates excitement and a thirst for victory through the possession of the “rebellious”;

An inferiority trap in which the attitude of gratitude and the feeling of realizing the “last chance” merge together;

Intimate luck, when success in sexual relations is reduced to the anticipation of a good marriage;

Mutual ease of accessibility, which is very attractive in premarital relationships;

Pity, it is also in the variants of guilt, duty, is perceived as "own valor" and allows you to play a very noble role on the stage of life;

Decency, when marriage is stimulated by the opinion of the inner circle and responsibility to it;

Benefit when a person acquires through such a union a haven, financial and material well-being;

Revenge, when choosing a partner and entering into marriage is done "to spite the offender";

Fear of loneliness, when the marriage union acts as a salvation from one's problems, from oneself, from the fear of a future life.

According to sociological surveys conducted in our country in the 1980s, material security was named as a motive for marriage by only 3.1% of women, while the commonality of views, interests - about 30%, love - about 50% (V. T. Lisovsky , 1986). At the beginning of the XXI century. there have been some changes in the motives for marriage (Table 5.2). Love is already called almost twice as rarely, and such an indicator as the commonality of views and interests has also decreased (A. M. Shvets et al., 2006).

Table 5.2. Motives for marriage, number of cases, % (180 couples)

O. V. Mitina and V. F. Petrenko (2000) revealed the marriage preferences of Russian and American women (Fig. 5.1).

The most preferable for Russian women (mostly Muscovites) is marriage with a person of a higher social status or with a simple person, a good owner, living with "earthly" problems. Behind these elections, the authors note, there is a desire to find security, stability, and a guaranteed standard of living in marriage. For American women, a businessman husband is most preferable, although there is a large proportion of women who wanted to have a husband of a higher social status.

Needs Satisfied in Marriage. The relationship of spouses is largely determined by the extent to which their marriage allows you to meet the needs and goals of each. Among these needs and goals, all authors single out communicative ones: the need for communication, for warm, cordial interpersonal relationships. According to L. A. Korostyleva (2000), the view of what the family provides in terms of meeting communication needs is almost the same for women and men: 2) relieves loneliness; 3) brings happiness of motherhood and fatherhood. However, women also have some peculiarities in meeting their communicative needs.

Thus, W. Harley (1992) shows that women's main needs realized in marriage are: 1) a romantic atmosphere in the family, tenderness shown by the husband; 2) the need for communication (the ability to talk with her husband about everything that happened during the day); 3) honesty and openness in relations with her husband. Men hope to satisfy in marriage such a communicative need as moral support from their wife.

Similar data were obtained by T. V. Andreeva and T. Yu. Pipchenko (2000): in women, the leading needs-expectations from their husbands were the following: 1) the manifestation of tenderness and care; 2) sincerity and openness in relations with her husband;

3) the need for communication.

Rice. 5.1. Marriage preferences of Russian and American women. Questions: 1 - to marry a person of higher social status; 2 - to marry a simple person, a good owner, living with "earthly" problems; 3 - to marry a person of another nationality; 4 - marry a loved one with very low incomes without the prospect of increasing them; 5 - marry a businessman; 6 - to marry a man who devoted his life to science; 7 - marry a person of art (musician, poet, artist); 8 - marry a foreigner and go to live abroad; 9 - marry a soldier; 10 - marry a politician; 11 - to marry a worker; 12 - be maintained by a wealthy man; 13 - marry a "star" (sports, pop, cinema); 14 - get married without love, by calculation; 15 - marry a farmer; 16 - marry a person of a different race; 17 - do not get married, believing that it is better to live life alone; 18 - marry a deeply religious person; 19 - marry a representative of criminal structures

Men were less inclined to analyze and realize their needs related to marriage. Young men indicated a need for moral support. The need for a joint holiday with his wife was not noted by them.

According to L.A. Korostyleva (2000), the view of what the family gives is practically the same for women and men.

1) serves as a support in difficult times;

2) relieves loneliness;

3) brings the happiness of motherhood;

4) regulates intimate life;

5) improves life, diet.

1) serves as a support in difficult times;

2) relieves loneliness;

3) improves life, diet;

4) brings the happiness of fatherhood;

5) streamlines intimate life.

W. Harley (1992) believes that the failures of men and women in building a family are due to ignorance of each other's needs, and constant dissatisfaction with at least one of the needs leads to extramarital affairs. He singled out five basic needs for husbands and wives, the fulfillment of which spouses expect from each other. In men, these are: 1) sexual satisfaction; 2) vacation companion; 3) the attractiveness of the wife; 4) housekeeping; 5) moral support from his wife. For women, the main needs are: 1) a romantic atmosphere in the family, tenderness shown by the husband; 2) the need for communication (the ability to talk with her husband about everything that happened during the day); 3) honesty and openness in relations with her husband; 4) financial support of the father of the family; 5) dedication to the family (the role of the father).

Age features. T. V. Andreeva and T. Yu. Pipchenko (2000) revealed that in different periods of maturity there are significant differences in needs-expectations.

In women aged 20–30 years, the leading needs-expectations from their husbands are as follows: 1) a manifestation of tenderness and care; 2) sexual satisfaction; 3) sincerity and openness in relations with her husband; 4) financial support; 5) the need for communication. Some of the respondents emphasized the importance of physical protection on the part of the husband, a sense of security.

For 30-40-year-old women, the importance of needs changes somewhat: 1) sincerity and openness; 2) dedication to the family and the upbringing of children; 3) financial support; 4) a manifestation of tenderness; 5) the need for communication.

For 40-50-year-old women, the following needs are important: 1) dedication to family and children; 2) help around the house; 3) financial support; 4) tenderness; 5) sincerity in relationships.

Women aged 50–60 considered the following to be the main ones: 1) financial support; 2) helping her husband around the house; 3) dedication to the family; 4) sincerity and openness; 5) tenderness.

Men were less inclined to analyze and realize their needs related to marriage. Young men noted such needs as sexual and moral support. The need for joint recreation with his wife and her attractive appearance was not noted.

The difficulty of satisfying the need to preserve one's own Self lies in the fact that in the eyes of each of the spouses, one's own Self looks much more attractive than the other's. In addition, the gender expectations of men and women may differ. For example, A. A. Taganova (2002) found that in describing their ideal woman, girls give characteristics related to dominance, and boys - characteristics of submissive behavior.

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