Difficulties in the existence of a man in a family. Responsibilities of the wife and husband in the family. Women's family responsibilities

09.05.2019

The problem of family and marriage has become quite relevant in the modern world. On the one hand, this is due to the crisis and transformation of family values, on the other hand, the family is an indicator of the well-being of a particular social system.

The meaning of the word marriage in modern usage and in ancient times differs significantly. Today, marriage is understood as a conscious family union between a man and a woman. The birth of children is the natural fruit of marriage, but this aspect of it is often not emphasized and it is understood that marriage is, in principle, possible without children. In ancient times, the meaning of the word "marriage" was rigidly associated with childbirth - this applies not only to the Old Testament, but also to the New Testament times up to the beginning of the XX century. The absence of children was perceived as a deep sorrow, and people begged them from God as a great mercy. A marriage without children was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, people are calmer about childlessness, and sometimes they artificially provoke it so that children do not interfere with enjoying each other. Of course, there are still married couples who grieve deeply about childlessness and pray fervently, but there are few such examples. Most of these couples are looking for a way out not so much in prayers as in modern reproductive medical technologies.

OV Rozina notes that marriage is a sacred thing, a key concept, since it goes back to the very beginning of the Divine Creation, uniting husband and wife into one spiritual flesh. Currently, a number of negative trends can be traced in this area, which are a consequence of profound cultural changes in the social organism: this is the instability of marriage, an increase in the number of divorces, incomplete and dysfunctional families, a decrease in their educational potential, the spread of domestic violence, etc. at the turn of XX – XXI centuries, the ratio of divorces to marriages in the Russian Federation was 57.7%, in the first decade of the XXI century. it grew to 64.2%. This suggests that 2/3 of the marriages entered into are doomed to failure.

Why is this happening? It can be assumed that the negative consequences of democratization (social polarization, penetration of Western pop culture, emancipation of morals, orientation towards individualism, independence, freedom of action, etc.) have become the main factors that undermine the moral and humanistic foundations of marriage and family in modern Russian society. The violation of the strong-willed, emotional and personal component of the relationship is also obvious. This is due to the fact that psychosexual pathologies are gaining momentum, both in relation to the object of claims and in the way of satisfying drives. In addition, there is a violation of biological needs and the instinct of self-preservation (alcoholism, bulimia, drug addiction, anorexia). On the other hand, people do not know how to build strong family relationships, as a result, this becomes the reason for the increased conflict of the modern family man, a fertile ground for family violence or indifference of family members to each other.

What is the role of men and women in the family?

In the second chapter of the Book of Genesis, it is clearly expressed that the first man created by God was a man, and for some time he lived in paradise without a wife: God created man as a husband, endowing him with His divine grace and through it placing him in communion with Himself.

Until recently, it didn't take much effort to be a man. Masculinity was considered something self-evident. Popular culture offered clear and indisputable examples of the behavior of a real man - from the defender of the homeland on posters during the Great Patriotic War to a series of movie characters. From time immemorial it was believed: to be a man is, first of all, not to be a woman, to reject the feminine component of your personality. Men build themselves not imitating their father, but starting from the image of the mother, especially if there was no understanding and loving father in their life. “Children begin their emotional life by identifying with their mother,” explains sociologist Igor Kon. “But boys will soon find out that they are different from their mothers. They are forced to form their masculine identity negatively, through separation from their mother. " It turns out that a "real man" must give up genuine emotions. He does not cry, rarely speaks about his feelings, expresses them in deeds. After all, a real man is not afraid to set goals and achieve them. But not by any means: stepping over people is unacceptable. A man at all times knows how to be friends, knows how to love, knows how to take responsibility, do things, be calm, self-confident and reliable.

Social changes taking place in the world at the beginning of the 21st century, such as, for example, a large-scale change in the position of women in society, are transforming the traditional communication mechanisms between men and women. Previously, a woman had to seem like a wonderful housewife who keeps the family hearth of love, but is by no means the main one in the family. Indeed, there are a number of natural differences between men and women, and modern society, in our opinion, will only benefit from their recognition. Instead of following her natural destiny and conquering new horizons of social and ideological freedom for herself, a modern woman, from the position of a modern man, renounces her own natural function. After long centuries of “slavery”, a woman wanted to become free and did nothing else but copied the idea of \u200b\u200ban “independent female personality” from the archetype of “a man’s personality”. And this reveals the deep distrust of the “modern woman” in relation to herself, her inability to be her own value for herself, that is. to be exactly like a woman, not like a person. This is the source of a deeply false orientation: a woman strives to get revenge over a man, to defend her "dignity", to prove her "significance", gradually getting used to comparing herself with a man.

The role of women in the world has changed significantly, there have been radical changes in the legal status of women, and the idea of \u200b\u200bgender equality has begun to conquer the minds of people. The role of women in the overwhelming majority of states has changed markedly in comparison with many previous centuries.

The modern man, with complete irresponsibility on his part, not only allowed this, but also pushed the woman himself to work in all institutions of modern society and modern culture. In most countries of the world, women have gained the right to vote, have become full participants in political processes. Women received the right not only to vote, but also to be elected. Today, women are represented in parliaments and governments of all continents, and in the Swedish parliament after the 2002 elections, 45% of women have become, and according to these indicators, Sweden has come to the second place in the world. African Rwanda came out on top in September 2003, with 48.8% of women in parliament. Now a woman is a legislator, the head of the armed forces of the state no longer surprises fellow citizens and the world community, and this is an important sign of change.

It is significant that for many modern women, even the prospect of physical love is not as interesting as the narcissistic cult of one's own body, as the desire to show one's flesh in clothes or with a minimum of it, as physical training, as dancing, sports, money, etc. Addicted to egocentrism, a woman begins from a certain moment to be interested not in the man himself, but in what he can give her to satisfy her vanity and whims. Parallel to this is the decomposition and degeneration of the male type, which becomes more and more superficial as one gets used to a purely practical life, which in the modern world contributes to the degradation and denaturation of the male principle. Equality between men and women is a matter of equality for human existence. Discrimination of both men and women is unacceptable. Historical experience requires the observance of rights and the creation of conditions for the realization of the essential forces of a person regardless of gender.

The modern woman is a dependent creature. It depends on external circumstances, such as the behavior of people around and public opinion. She constantly needs love, approval, care and prosperity. In an effort to find what they want, many women spend their time and life energy trying to change the environment and get loved ones to give them a sense of their own worth. And, I must say, sometimes these women-consumers end up with something. However, much more often, as a result of such attempts, women do not receive happiness, but nervous breakdowns, dissatisfaction with life and resentment against everyone who dared not give her what she needed.

Holy Fathers of St. Gregory of Nyssa, John Chrysostom, bl. Theodorite and others, express an idea that was formulated in a generalized form by St. John Damascene: “Since the foreseeing God knew that man would commit a crime and undergo corruption, He created out of him a wife, a helper and like him. She was supposed to be his help so that the human race would be preserved through birth even after the crime. " Despite the equal dignity and talents, the husband and wife within the family had different purposes from God, each his own. Their mutual relationship had to correspond to the plan of God: the husband is the head of the family, the wife is his helper [Gen. 2, 18, 20-24], and not only in family life, but in all matters entrusted to him by God.

A modern man, demanding independence, independence, initiative, strength from a woman, simultaneously expects from her obedience, weakness, and recognition of him (the man) as the head. That is, traditional patriarchal models come into conflict with modern conditions in which women and men are on the same level. Yes, and the woman herself today is no longer satisfied with the household duties of her wife. Her temperament has grown greatly and requires implementation in society on a par with a man. The family in this matter plays an extremely important role in the life of any person, and indeed of the whole society as a whole.

In modern science, an increasing place is occupied by gender studies. In a sense, the focus on gender issues is generated by the spreading feminist ideas around the world. Once they achieved recognition of their rights, women turned the whole society upside down. The relationship between a man and a woman is obviously a very difficult problem, otherwise many people would have no difficulty in solving it.
As already mentioned, a married family is a union of two equal individuals. But gender stereotypes do not allow such relations to develop fully in modern conditions. For centuries, the man was the head of the family, the patriarch of his mini-state. The woman was in a subordinate position and financially dependent on the man. Nowadays, a woman has reached a new level. Now she often does not depend on a man, she herself earns her living and the living of her children. The man lost his authority as the breadwinner of the family, and this was his main task for centuries. Until now, in some traditional societies, we can observe this type of hierarchy in the family, for example, in the Muslim world.

A responsible man will not say, "You raised your child wrong." Where have you been? Worked? So, you went to the fact that the child was raised by your wife, as she knows how, as she sees fit. Now answer for it yourself, do not blame her.

A woman, unlike a man, does not have the power to solve problems in a relationship. Take away, hit, run away. It is not very important for a man to delve into the intricacies of a partner's state, but for a woman it is vital. It is much more focused on perceiving the nuances of facial expressions, intonation - everything that betrays a person's emotional state. Therefore, women are much more sensitive. Thus, it is easier for them to understand their partner. And the more a woman understands, the more she accepts him, the more she feels her partner, his experiences. Therefore, acceptance is the main female function in the family. Unconditional acceptance, motherhood and femininity.

We can now summarize these two roles in any male and female pair. A man is a responsibility, a woman is an unconditional acceptance. When both partners correspond to these roles as much as possible, then love and respect reign in the family.

Consequently, since a woman can do without a man in her social life, then the family loses its significance and may even disappear altogether as unnecessary.

The main conclusion, perhaps, can be made as follows - a woman today is becoming a man with all his functions and responsibilities. Men, coming home, want to see a woman next to them, but they see themselves ...

Each gender has its own, special purpose from God, which must be realized in your life. The life of each person must correspond to those initial divine gifts that a person receives at birth, including gender. Attempts to change your gender or to live by copying the opposite is a rejection of the divine gift, a perversion of its intention, therefore in the Holy Scriptures such sins are strictly condemned [Gen. 19, 1-29; A lion. 18, 22; 20, 13; 1 Cor. 6, 9, etc.].

Violation of the ancient principle of husband-head of the family, wife-his assistant leads to the destruction of the family or its defective existence.

Despite the fact that it is the woman who is the keeper of the hearth, no matter how hard she tries, if two people do not make efforts to preserve the family, nothing will work. In general, the pledge of a strong and long family, as for me, is built on two well-known whales - respect and mutual understanding. No matter how trite it may sound, there is no better way to keep the family together. And to hold a lot of opinions together, to show care and attention, tenderness and affection - all this comes from the aforementioned "whales" of the relationship!

Notes.

Leonov V. Fundamentals of Orthodox Anthropology: Textbook, - M: Izd. Moscow Patriarchate of the Russian Orthodox Church, 2013.
O.V. Rozina Spiritual foundations of Russian culture. Book 3. - M .: Science and Word, 2009.
Schneider L.B. The psychology of family relationships. Lecture course. - M .: ed. Vlados-Press, 2004.
Russian Federation. Federal State Statistics Service. Marriages and divorces. http://www.gks.ru/wps/wcm/connect/rosstat_main/rosstat/ru/statistics/population/demography/
This fact has found expression in many languages, where the same word is used to designate a man and a husband.
Veserberg B. Women in Swedish Politics. Genderstan - 2004 // Cooperation between men and women to achieve gender equality. Materials of the International Conference. - Bishkek, 2005.
Evola Y. Man and woman. Revolt against the modern world. Julius Evola [Electronic resource]. - Access mode: http://www.musa.narod.ru/evola1.htm.
Gregory of Nyssa, On the Disposition of Man. Chapter 17. - SPb., 1995.
John Chrysostom. About virginity. Creations: In 12 volumes. Vol. 1. Book. 1. - SPb., 1898.
Theodorite of Kirsky. Explanation of difficult passages of the Holy Scriptures. Question 38 .-- M.:, 2003.
John Damascene, An Accurate Statement of the Orthodox Faith. Book. 2. Ch. 2.30 .-- M., 1992.

- Some people believe that they can distribute roles among themselves in their family in any way. Tell me, is it possible, in principle, to talk about some kind of ideal distribution of roles? Or, really, as they agree, so is it good?

- We can talk not about the ideal, but about that natural scheme, which is the basis of interaction. And in this natural scheme, roles, of course, are not the subject of agreements. They are obviously not the same in men and women. This follows both from the biology of people and from the social nature of the psyche and existence. For example, a man is more adapted to operational activities.

- What does it mean?

- Operational activities? Operates better. Those. men are doing better what needs to be done with their hands ...

- To put it simply, since women and men are different, respectively, do they have different roles?

There is a definite difference in mentality between men and women. This difference has been forming over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. A man needs an analytical mentality for that very activity - in life, in nature, in the forest. When collecting fuel for a fire, he should well distinguish dry branches from wet (or rotten) ones. When preparing a dart or spear for throwing at prey, he must clearly distinguish the difference in the weight of the tip and the shaft. Therefore, a man has much more developed logical structural thinking - to combine like with like, to compare the properties of objects.

The man in the family is the breadwinner and protector. This is his natural function, and not a voluntarily assumed conditional role. It sounds corny, but only because these words are too worn out. But not because they are wrong. This is indeed the case - a man is a breadwinner and protector.

In modern life, this male function seems vague and unnecessary. Modern life in civilized countries is much more stable than in antiquity (and even than 300-400 years ago), the level of our security is much higher, there are powerful social institutions. A woman can both earn money herself, and she can explain herself to the main current enemies of mankind - housing and communal services workers. In general, she can raise a child herself. Therefore, it seems that you can change roles or change them as you want. Alas, this is an illusion. The natural structure of the mentality is a very solid thing, deeply seated in our psyche. Attempts to ignore this device cannot go unpunished. Yes, a man today does not need to directly get food and protect his family from external threats. But the basis of these male functions is responsibility, and this basis has not gone anywhere. It is relevant today and will always be relevant.

Masculinity is responsibility. The man is responsible for the end result. Not to explain why it didn't work out, despite the fact that he did everything right. No, the man is responsible for making it happen in the end. And if it didn't work out, it means that he was doing something wrong. A responsible man will not say, "You raised your child wrong." Where have you been? Worked? So, you went to the fact that the child was raised by your wife, as she knows how, as she sees fit. Now answer for it yourself, do not blame her.

I remember a lesson in responsibility taught to me by a wonderful headmaster of the school where I worked. Once I asked him to admit my friend's son to the first grade. An acquaintance, a professional foreman, in the order of patronage help, promised to make repairs in the primary school premises on his own. It was only required to pay for consumables. Parents chipped in, the money was transferred to a friend, with which he disappeared forever. When the situation cleared up, I said that, since it was my own fault, I would return my money to my parents. The director said - we'll return it in half, you are a part, and I am a part. "Why? - I said, - you have not seen him in the eyes? Your responsibility is not here. " To which the director replied: "This is responsibility: to be responsible for trusting a person whom he has never seen before." This is masculine.

- And the woman? What is the characteristic of the female role?

The female role, the female mentality, is again not some kind of convention, but a biologically and psychologically determined phenomenon.

There are two different "floors" in our psyche. The main floor is a natural psyche. We have it no different from the animal, it develops first in our infancy and remains the basis of our existence for life, being responsible for a huge number of actions and manifestations. The second floor is the so-called. higher psyche, purely human. One that animals do not have. These floors differ from each other in a lot of different things, but there is a main difference, the most fundamental one.

It consists in the fact that a person is aware of the fact of his own existence, but the animal does not. The chicken does not understand that she is one of the hens, and the monkey does not understand that she is one of the monkeys. And each of us understands that he is the same as other people. The other side of this same human ability is to imagine the feelings of other people. "Since I can be full or hungry, then now someone is also hungry." "Since I may be warm or cold, it means that now someone may be freezing." The ability to imagine other people's feelings is called empathy (animals do not have this opportunity, they do not imagine the feelings of other individuals). And for this, the basic difference between the human psyche and animals, a woman is generally more a man than a man. She has this very empathy developed fundamentally better.

- Why?

- For the same purely biological reasons. Unlike a woman, a man has the power to solve problems in a relationship. Take away, hit, kill, run away. A woman has no such opportunity. Therefore, it is not very important for a man to delve into the intricacies of a partner's state, but for a woman it is vital. It is much more focused on perceiving the nuances of facial expressions, intonation, breathing rhythm - everything that gives out a person's state. Therefore, women are much more empathic, it is easier for them to understand their partner.

And the more you understand a person, the more you accept him, the more you feel his experiences, the better you understand what exactly pushes him to actions, including "bad" ones.

Therefore, acceptance is the female role in the family. Unconditional acceptance, motherhood, femininity.

Incidentally, this is one of the criteria by which it is clear whether people entered into an alliance with each other correctly. When a couple has formed on the correct, "benign" basis, then the people around it feel good. They have better relationships with others, they are drawn to them.

And it happens otherwise when two have united on some kind of protest basis. Both feel bad, both are lonely. For example, some of them did not have a relationship with difficult parents. And he fled from under these parents to a partner who accepted him, comforts him, unites with him in a general protest. Such people, as they had so far unimportant relations with others, continue to deteriorate.

- You said that men have a developed logic. And there is also such a thing as "female logic". Can you explain what kind of logic this is?

- When they talk about some kind of "female logic", as a rule, they mean intuition. And about intuition, people are used to thinking that this is some kind of inspiration. Suddenly, I somehow felt it with my spinal cord, foresight, or something else like that.

This is not true. Intuition is the same concrete experience, but only fixed at the level of feelings, and not words or some kind of logical constructions. A woman once noticed out of the corner of her eye that her little son looked at the typewriter with indifference. She could not say it to herself, deliberately not fix it, but it was remembered. And when she later says: “You know, in my opinion, our son is not on the technical side,” it seems to her husband as some kind of inspiration. In fact, life experience worked here. At the level of sensations, women record generalizations that are important for life.

- Therefore, for a man it looks more than strange.

- Yes, men are often ironic about this: "What came to your mind?" It seems to a man that this consideration of a woman is not supported by anything. It is important for a man to be proved.

- The main question, a stumbling block for most families - who is the main one in the family. Traditionally, it is believed that a man is in some sense the main one, and a woman is very struggling to disagree with this and be the main one herself, or at least equal. Should a man be in charge and in what sense?

- The flaw in all this reasoning is the word "chief". What does "chief" mean? Anyone who says: "It will be my way - and that's it!", Insists on his decision, just to insist? In this sense, no one should be in charge. This is a position dictated not by real authority, not by ABOUTmore life experience, but self-doubt, fear of subjecting their views and intentions to a real discussion.

But if you can see something reasonable in the word "chief", then this is the same responsibility. The main one is the one who is ultimately responsible for the decisions made. Husband and wife arrived at the airport, 45 minutes before departure. The wife says: "I look a little like duty-free shops." If the husband agrees, and then they are late for the plane, he should not allow himself the slightest irritation, he should not swear and complain about his wife. He must say: "What a burdock I am, I will have to keep track of the time next time." And the next time (or right away, without putting on such an "experiment"), tell my wife: "No, I'm sorry, I can't allow this. Now there is no opportunity to go shopping, we risk being late. " He takes on the role of "chief" not in the sense of pressure, but in the sense of responsibility.

- If a man is to be responsible, how should a woman behave to help him become one? Or does nothing depend on the woman?

- It really depends. How can a woman help in this? First, let's ask another question: what prevents a man from taking responsibility. What is your version?

- Lack of self-esteem.

— Yes. Self-doubt, fear. But here, it is necessary to clarify what exactly fear is. At first glance, the fear of error, failure. So I go to school to talk to the child's teachers, but I won't succeed. It would seem that this is the fear of possible failure. Not really. Not that fear. After all, everyone has this fear, including quite responsible people. Any of us understands that we can make a mistake or not achieve success. This means that irresponsibility turns out to be not the fear of one's own failure, but the fear of the reaction of others to this failure.

To understand what kind of people around us, let's remember whose reactions were the first in our life?

- Parents.

- Of course. I remember one of my interlocutors - almost an oligarch - who, at the age of 9, in the dead of Soviet times, dismantled a TV set and couldn't put it back together. His parents did not say a word of reproach, although the TV was a very important thing. And at the age of 14 he was already working in a TV studio as a master. And at 40 he was already a very successful businessman.

So, a woman will help a man become more responsible if, in accordance with her main female role, she will be a source of unconditional acceptance. If in any situations she treats her husband not evaluatively, but sympathetically, especially in situations of his failure. He was late somewhere, he let someone down, he took on something wrong - she needs to react not to his act (“well, why are you so?”), But to his feelings (“I can imagine how nervous you were! ») Then he will gradually, over the years, get rid of the fear that prevents him from taking responsibility.

Let me give you an example from life, how my wife "sculpted" me. I remember they gave me a digital camera for my birthday when they first came out. So thin, tiny. The whole family chipped in for a gift, there was not much money then. And I did not part with it, I took off everything recklessly, wore it on a lace, on my chest. Once at a party, at the table, I began to show this camera to my neighbor. And from drunken eyes dropped it into a bowl of lecho. And so, I am beside myself with grief, I take out this fotik from a bowl of lecho, the marinade drips from it, and my wife immediately, without hesitation, says: “Sash, you shoot so continuously, practically in front-line conditions, that this should be considered a baptism of fire ". You see, for her such an attitude is on autopilot, she does not have to think. This is what is called unconditional acceptance.

In such an atmosphere, a man gradually ceases to be afraid of himself. He ceases to be afraid not of his own failures, but of the reactions to these failures. Begins to take responsibility more and more.

- We considered the situation when they agreed, the man took upon himself this responsibility and is responsible for the consequences. And here is the process of discussion itself. As we have found out, a man has logic, a woman has intuition. They are different and often want different things. How can they negotiate? Can you find a common methodology for reaching agreement?

- Yes, you can. The most important thing here is to set the goal correctly. Usually in such cases it seems that the goal is to convince, persuade, push through. Get your way. In fact, in order to come to an agreement with the interlocutor, especially with the opponent, it is necessary, first of all, to provide a truly friendly intonation of the conversation. This can be the most difficult, but it is also the most important. Due to the absence of this goal, because of the tense intonation, they do not hear us, they do not meet us halfway, they try, on the contrary, to push us through.

And for the correct intonation, you need to understand that the interlocutor does not mean to deliberately contradict. No matter how different it may look, no matter how it may seem that he (she) is speaking on purpose, on purpose, just to make me feel bad. This is not true! Behind his (her) persistence is some kind of inner conviction, real concern, and behind irritability or even rudeness there is some kind of request.

And it is imperative to reckon with this conviction. It is necessary to confirm that you see this concern and reckon with it. “Tell me, Misha, why don't you allow your son to buy a mobile phone? Do you think it's too expensive? Do you think it will spoil him? " If the wife asks this without challenge, without reproach, and with a sincere interest in his considerations, the intensity of emotions will greatly decrease.

For a husband and wife, this is all quite symmetrical. “Tell me, Masha, does it really seem important to you to buy him this mobile phone? Are you afraid that otherwise he will feel like a black sheep among his classmates? " Asking without challenge, without prompting. Then further conversation will allow the husband to present his counter-considerations and hope that he will be heard.

- Well, emotions were removed. But all the same, one wants one thing, another wants another. This means that one must give in, make a sacrifice.

- Here we need to talk not about the negotiation process, but about the essence of the relationship that binds these two people. That is, you need to understand who relates how to whom. In the relationship between a man and a woman, there are two different principles, two completely different feelings. One of these feelings is the need to to her it was good as far as it is in my hands. And a completely different, opposite feeling is the need to to me it was good, as far as it depends on her (all this, we repeat, is symmetrical).

In real life, of course, there are both beginnings in any person and in any pair. In general, this is a completely normal feeling, the need for me to feel good. The only question is proportion, the only question is which feeling is now more motivated by me, which feeling is louder. This proportion depends on the maturity of a person: the more mature a person is, the more he is able to focus on his partner (wife, husband, child, friend). Unfortunately or fortunately, the psyche is so arranged that only the feeling that prevails is noticeable to the partner. If I pull the blanket over myself more, then the partner will not notice (or it doesn't matter) that in some cases I still reckon with him. And this is the real background, who relates to whom, and it comes out only in some kind of conflict situations, only in a situation of collision of interests. While both indulge in activities that do not infringe on anyone's interests: go shopping, go to a rally together, scold bad weather or ski - in these serene situations, nothing can be said about the real nature of their relationship. But when one wants to sleep, and the other listens to loud music - here you can see who values \u200b\u200bwhose interests above.

- It turns out that in an ideal family, everyone strives to ensure that it is good for the other?

- Yes, in an ideal family, everyone tries to pull the blanket off himself and pull it over the other. Everyone thinks all the time - is it cold to the other.

- We figured out the man - he must be responsible. And when he manifests this, he becomes the head of the family. When does a woman become the head of the family?

- A woman becomes the head of the family, in our sense of the word, when she "takes over" a very childish man. He takes it upon himself - he correctly recognizes his infantilism. And it happens that he is touched by this immaturity, not irritated, not disappointed. She feels his potential, she feels sorry for him. And she wants to help him develop his potential. She takes it upon herself and begins to carefully, patiently lead him through life. In this case, the woman becomes “good-quality”, the right head of the family. She takes responsibility for what is happening.

- A "poor quality" family does not exist?

- As much as necessary - this is when there is simply a struggle for leadership. I would say that such stories are the majority in our families.

- Why is this happening? It is clear that a man traditionally feels comfortable being the head of the family. He feels in his place when he is a leader. Why is a woman fighting for leadership in the family?

“I don’t know if there is a general answer that is causing this all to happen. I think there are many different reasons. For example, when a woman with this man is terribly uncomfortable, and she is trying to just climb out from under these rubble and somehow confirm her own right to an opinion on where to go or not to go. This is not a struggle for leadership, this is a struggle for life, I would say.

There is a struggle for leadership - this is when a woman, by her psychotype, by her psychophysical data, is a potentially powerful manager. This is not common among women, but it does occur. And then this managerial potential, distorted, ugly, begins to be realized in the family struggle for priority.

Probably, there are some other cases.

- And what is a "powerful manager" by nature?

- A correct manager (that is, from nature, not from neurosis) is a person who, by psychotype, is inclined to structure the situation, to improve it, and to optimize it. He has such a need, and he cannot do anything about it. "Let's set the table differently, then more people will sit here." He is the first to say: - "Let's open the window, otherwise it's stuffy."

The wrong, neurotic manager is not concerned with improving the situation, but with his primacy. He may also say about the window, but only in order to be the first to say in order to score points.

There is a mixture of the one with the other. The most vital character is mixed. This is when a person, on the one hand, is a manager by nature, by his psychotype: manager, organizer, leader. On the other hand, due to his childhood situation, he remains unloved, therefore, not a self-confident person. And, being in its leadership position, it introduces great elements of the dictates of personality, intolerance.

So a woman who fights for power in the family can be such a character. She can be by nature a correct manager, organizer, manager, but psychologically not a safe person. And that's why her tendencies are so ugly manifested in the family.

- You said how a woman can help a man to become responsible. And how can a man help such a woman to take her rightful place?

- You and I have seen how a woman can help a man - just play her role as an unconditionally accepting woman. A man can help a woman in the same way by playing his role - i.e. to be as responsible as possible, "to take on". And then the woman will have a sense of security, which will help her, in turn, to be unconditionally accepting.

- Often she leaves him no room for taking responsibility. She decides everything herself, and he does not even have time to take responsibility. She decided everything herself, she did everything herself.

- As a rule, it happens when a man, outwardly regretting about this, is still internally ready to put up with it: "Well, in the end, what's so terrible about it." If he realizes that this is really bad for everyone, bad for her, in the end, then he fearlessly stops, unfolds even an already far-reaching process, canceling the invited guests, going for monetary losses, for returning the vouchers.

- In order to say to his wife: - "Let's be my way"?

- Not. To tell my wife: “Let's not make decisions alone. Let's not do it your way, not in my opinion, let's discuss and negotiate. And without this we will definitely not move on ”.

- In your opinion, is the very concept of male (female) work in a family legitimate, or should it be established every time for your family?

- Rightful, of course.

- And which jobs are male and which are female?

- Well, it seems to me, to answer this question, you don't have to go to a professional psychologist. This follows from common sense.

“Okay, then let's not go into it. Well, what if she has a higher salary? Such a situation often happens - either her salary is significantly higher, or she has made a career, has become more famous, more authoritative. Is this not a threat to family well-being, and in what case is it?

- In a normal, good case, it is not a threat. But in reality, very often yes, it is. Because in reality, in a large number of families, relationships are the very struggle for primacy that we talked about.

- I know examples when a woman begins to earn money, and a man sits at home and does housework. And even claims that he likes it. Can such a situation be considered normal?

- No you can not. A man, in order to feel good, as, in fact, a woman, must necessarily engage in some kind of activity, look for ways of self-realization. Nothing living tolerates static: what does not develop, inevitably degrades. If a man sits at home for a long time and does not develop, it can only get away with him for a short time. Outwardly, it seems that everything is fine - the children are well-groomed, the apartment is in order. But over the months, his character begins to deteriorate. He becomes more and more irritable, or more and more autistic, he is less interested in topics of conversation, his eyes fade ... The situation when a man sits at home and does nothing, normally can only be a short transitional stage, a search for new forms of relationships, work, himself : when he still cannot act as before, but does not yet know how in a new way.

- And when a woman sits at home with children, this does not happen to her?

- The same thing happens. Moreover, it turns out that mothers have a worse relationship with their children, precisely when they are at home and not working. It would seem an unexpected conclusion, but surveys lead exactly to it ...

- How can a woman develop, not degrade, if she is a housewife and has 2-3 children? Does a woman have to work? Or can she be perfectly fine without working?

- The answer is no. A woman cannot be all right if she is not working. This does not mean that she definitely needs to pursue a career. We must look for the activity that is most characteristic of it. Activities that she will enjoy the most, in which she will feel more natural. This is called self-realization. If a woman does not yet have an understanding of what kind of activity it is, then the first thing to start with is to learn something. Whatever it is, again, just to maintain an intellectual tone. At least computer skills, at least the history of painting. To begin with - 2-3 times a week for an hour, on the Internet, with a tutor, with a friend. And the most tonic learning is mathematics and languages. Take a mathematics textbook for grade 6 and a spar problem. All this can be done while sitting at home and raising children.

- On the topic of family roles, what other important points did we miss?

- At least one that comes to mind. When we get married, we very often fall into the illusion that we are entering into a relationship with this particular person - a woman or a man - and only with him. This is a deep and dangerous misconception. You enter into a relationship not with this Lena or Dima, but with a colossal complex, the core of which he (a) is. These are the parents of this person, and his relationship with parents, and his relationship with work, money, with his previous women, wives, husbands, with his children in a previous marriage. It is important to understand all this, if possible, before marriage, in order to weigh - do you want this person in the real combination of his circumstances. In order for a marriage to be successful, you have to interact with this whole complex. And if you find yourself inside this family situation, then your family role, I am now talking about a woman, is not just to build relationships with him, but to help him build this entire large crystal lattice. Those. first of all, the most correct way to build relationships with his relatives. This is the most important role of the wife.

- And your husband?

- Quite symmetrical.

- And in relation to children? Is parenting a role for both, or does the wife take precedence?

- Necessarily, necessarily the role of both. In principle, very similar roles, taking into account the accents that we have already placed. A man is more of a responsibility: “Is there something wrong at school? Let's go there and try to come to an agreement with the teacher. " And the woman - unconditional acceptance: "Who is the thief, who is the robber, and the mother's dear son."

Preparing for family life - rewarding work: distance (online) course

Vladimir Gurbolikov

Archpriest Igor Gagarin

Nun Nina (Krygina), candidate of psychological sciences

Priest Pavel Gumerov

Humanity is changing. Changes affect even those things that, it would seem, from time immemorial have been and will remain unchanged. The gender roles of men and women are also changing. To put it more precisely, in our time, the boundaries between the traditionally "masculine" and "feminine" are already difficult to distinguish.

The gender role and everything connected with it is a relatively new phenomenon and for our society remains a rather ambiguous and not fully understood category. Therefore, before delving into the study of this topic, you need to define the basic concepts.

Biological sex - a set of genetically and hormonally determined characteristics of an organism, summarizing all its reproductive (sexual) characteristics, distinguishing it from representatives of the other biological sex and determining its role in the process of fertilization during sexual reproduction.

It is customary to talk about the existence of two types of biological sex: male and female.

Gender – social gender of a person; personality characteristics in terms of masculinity (a complex of bodily, mental and behavioral characteristics considered as masculine) or femininity (a set of qualities traditionally attributed to women or expected from women).

In the modern world dominates binary gender system - dividing people into two opposite groups men and women.

It is interesting that not in all cultures gender is a significant social category, as in ours. There are societies where three or more genders are distinguished, as well as many gender roles.

Gender role - view social rolerepresenting behavior, normatively expected from individuals male and female. it behaviorwhich traditionally viewed as appropriate for men and women.

Social role - socially normalized behavior of a person who occupies a certain position in society and has, in this regard, certain rights and obligations.

Thus, gender role of men and women - these are the forms of behavior expected by society from men and women.

But gender roles are not only expected, they are also:

are prescribed
are vaccinated (through upbringing and education),
mastered,
performed,
violated,
accepted or rejected by the individual.

There is another concept associated with gender - gender identity.

Gender identity - a person's inner self-awareness of himself as a representative of one gender or another, that is, a man, a woman or a representative of another category.

How is the gender role of men and women formed?

A person is born a man or a woman only in the biological sense, in the social sense he becomes a man or a woman. There is no difference in the behavior of infant girls and boys. There is no significant gender difference between a man and a woman!

Initially, both sexes are just people. The set of human characteristics and qualities is one, the division into masculine and feminine qualities conditionally accepted in society.

A boy becomes a man because his educate as a man, develop traditionally masculine traits, qualities, instill appropriate principles and goals, teach masculine models of behavior. Likewise, a girl learns to be a woman.

Boys and girls brought up in different ways, different models of behavior are expected of them, reinforce the manifestations of different character traits, present different requirements.

Is it any wonder then that growing up, men and women look at each other as creatures from different planets? How can they understand each other if they are different and at the same time no one taught them to understand each other? Only through self-education and the acquisition of personal communication experience.

Gender roles of women and men change over the course of history, have been and remain different in different cultures and societies, differ depending on the economy, politics, religion and other social factors of the life of a particular society. But still we can talk about some traditionalitygender roles that have been passed down from generation to generation for centuries.

In our society, the gender roles of men are traditionally denoted as "Miner", "Master", "Defender". They persist, but it’s impossible not to notice that “soft”, even feminine masculinity has been in fashion for a couple of decades. More and more valued in men is not physical strength, activity, courage, the ability to take risks, but intelligence, condescension, restraint, the ability to communicate, empathize and care.

Traditional gender roles of women: "Keeper of the Hearth", "Mother", "Wife". Society expects a woman to be kind, patient, modest, gentle, caring, understanding, “homely”. But how many women in our time are socially active, active, work on an equal basis with men, often earning more than men ?! The miner is no longer He, but She. In a woman, not only beauty, kindness and thriftiness are valued, but also the ability to earn money, efficiency, purposefulness, stress resistance, courage.

The most widespread gender role of women in our society has no name. This role, characteristic of women who are representatives of the working class, emerged in our society and was entrenched in it in the twentieth century. You can call this role “ Universal Soldier"... A woman is required to be a wife, mother, mistress, toiler, breadwinner, protector - ideal always and in everything and at the same time everywhere successful!

Consequences of the struggle for equal rights

The struggle of women for gender equality, which began at the end of the last century, ended with the fact that many women now work for themselves and for men, and men relieve themselves of part of the responsibility for raising funds to support their families, while not considering themselves obliged to help women to at home and in raising children.

A modern woman takes on too much and, “turning” into a man, complains: “There are simply no normal men left!”.

The gender role of men is also undergoing significant changes today. She getting closer to the traditional gender role of women, just like the gender role of women to men. Gender roles mergetogether.

Another trend is also observed. Men and women change roles! For example, today it is becoming more and more popular (especially in Western Europe) to take maternity leave not for women, but for men (and they do it voluntarily, of their own free will).

It was after women received equal rights with men that not equality began to be observed, but a reversal of roles.

Man and woman legally have equal rights, but in fact remain unequal. The modern woman is more often both the Keeper of the home (the traditional role of the woman) and the Hunter (the traditional role of the man), and the man is more often either the Hunter or the Keeper of the home. This is what the movement and the struggle for gender equality have led to - to new inequality.

But the fact is that a man and a woman cannot be equal, because nature made them different! No matter how strong a person's mind is and no matter how developed his personality is, he is also biologicalbeing, nature also determines the gender role.

Even if a woman chooses a traditionally masculine gender role and her man chooses a feminine one, there will come a time when their system will fail. This moment will be the appearance of the child. No matter how feminine a man is, no matter how he knows how to manage a household and take care of children, there is something that will never allow him to fully realize himself in a female role - he cannot get pregnant and give birth to a child.

If both spouses have the same rights and responsibilities, they will be completely equal, there will be no family! Who will take care of the children if both are working? Who will bring money into the house if both are unemployed?

Women solve this problem by shouldering a double burden of responsibility, but by the number of unhappy women, unhappy families, divorces and children growing up without a father, it is not difficult to guess that such an approach to solving the problem ineffective.

The freedom to be yourself

It would seem, why in our time, when a man and a woman are equal in rights, can freely, voluntarily, without the obligatory consent of relatives, choose each other and create a family for love, so many unhappy couples? Is it because, deviating from tradition and nature, people simply do not understand as they continue to live.

When people do not know what to do with freedom, it becomes for them a greater evil than the need to live under someone's strict leadership. But after all liberty - this is the highest value, this is the opportunity to be yourself! A person these days is free to choose who he is and how to live. He is not obliged to adhere to the gender role that is imposed and expected. Regardless of gender, it is important to be yourself!

If a girl likes to fight, why not become a professional boxer? If a boy enjoys caring for younger children, why shouldn't he become a caregiver or teacher? But the phrases "You're a boy!" or "You're a girl!" wean children understand yourself... As a result, the child speaks, acts and feels as it should, and not how he really experiences it.

The problem “I don’t know what to do with the freedom of choice” grows out of the problem “I don’t know myself”.

Too traditional and strict, requiring strict adherence to social norms and stereotypical thinking, education in childhood in adulthood leads to what is called gender role stress.

Gender Role Stress -it is a state of mental stress that occurs in the event of an inability to adhere to one's gender role or, on the contrary, the need to adhere to behavior characteristic of the opposite gender role.

The trends observed today in developed countries are such that the emphasis on gender differences is recognized as incorrect, since the traditional gender role has come to be understood as imposingthe needs of society to an individual without taking into account his personal desires and goals. Society, by imposing certain models of behavior on a person, deprives him of the opportunity to be himself, and therefore, to be happy.

On the other hand, if all people behave only the way they want, not being guided by social norms and requirements for themselves as a representative of a particular gender, the world risks losing such important institutions for the continuation of the human race as marriage and family! After all, it was the emergence of the traditional gender roles of men and women that long ago gave rise to monogamy, the traditional family and the responsibility to take care of their children until they grow up!

Poll for women. Do you adhere to traditional gender-role norms of woman's behavior?

MEN'S AND FEMALE ROLES

Women's roles:

housewife

The male and female roles clearly defined above are not just customs or traditions, but God's established order. It was God who made the man the head of the family, telling Eve: "Thy desire is for thy husband, and he will ruleover you. "The man was also destined to become a protector as he was given strong muscles, great physical stamina and masculine courage. In addition, God commanded him to provide for his family, saying: “In the sweat of your brow you will eat bread,until you return to the land from which you were taken, for dust you are and to dust you will return. "Such a command was given to a man, not a woman (Genesis 3: 16,19).

A woman has a different purpose. She must be byassistant, mother and mistress in the house.In Hebrew, the word assistantmeans a woman, standing in front of him.Such a meaning nullifies the idea that only secondary, insignificant roles are destined for a woman. This is the meaning of the word bypowerhouseexplains that the woman was created equal to the man. In The Charm of Femininity, we use the word assistantto denote the role of the wife in the sense that the wife understands, supports, and sometimes helps her husband. Since the biological characteristics of a woman make it possible for her to bear children, her role mothersundeniable. Role homeher mistressalso there is no doubt: she must raise the children, manage the household in order to free her husband to fulfill his functions of the family breadwinner (Genesis 2:18).

Male and female roles different in function,but are equalby importance.In Henry A. Bowman's book, Marriage in Modern Society, the author compares partnership in marriage with images such as a key and a lock joined together in a functional unity. He writes: “Together they can do what neither of them can do separately. The task will not be completed if two locks or two keys are used. Each partner is unique, but no one taken separately is perfect. Their roles cannot be called identical or interchangeable. None of them is superior to the other, since both are necessary. Each must be judged according to his functions, since they complement each other. "

Division of labor

As you can see, the main task of the family stems from division of labor.Interestingly, modern researchers have proven that this ancient plan is the best way for people to cooperate. In the 1970s, several major industries in America joined forces in a research project to identify the most effective structure in which to work together without team disagreement, especially with regard to psychological compatibility.

Research, in particular, took place in hippie communities that emerged somewhat earlier, in the 1960s. These groups of idealists were not built on the principles of the division of labor, but on equality.Men and women shared their daily activities evenly. Women worked side by side with men in the fields and on the construction of shelters. Men, along with women, were engaged in household chores and raising children.

The researchers found an interesting fact: equality was not consistent with the differences between men and women. Women were better at some jobs, while men were better at others. Women's hands, more delicate and dexterous, darned and sewed more efficiently, while men were better adapted to carrying weights and digging. However, the most striking discovery of scientists was the fact that when people tried to do work on an equal footing, disagreements began. People argued, feuded and even hated each other. For this reason, entire communities fell apart. Scientists have come to the conclusion that the best option for organizing teamwork is division of labor.So, God has a perfect plan for the family.

People are most successful in family life when husband and wife faithfully and faithfully fulfill their roles. On the other hand, the biggest problems arise when one of them cannot or does not want to fulfill his role, takes on the performance of someone else's functions, or shows too much concern about the performance or non-performance of the role of another.

To excel in your role with great feelingyour responsibility,take on your own female role. Let it worriesonly you. Of course, you can hire helpers to do the housework, or have your children help you with this. But it is you who must be responsible for order in this area.

To achieve even greater success, you need to master the female skills and abilities.Learn to cook, tidy up the house and housekeeping in general. Learn about feminine frugality and how to raise children. Forget about yourself and devote yourself completely to achieving well-being and happiness for your family.

Three men's needs

To be successful in building a family, help your husband succeed in his role. To do this, be aware of three male needs:

1. A man should function in his masculine role as head of the family, protector and breadwinner.

2. He should feel the need of the family for him to fulfill this role.

3. It is necessary that he be superior to the woman in this role.

1. Implementation of the male role in practice.First, he needs to fulfill this role in real life as chaptersfamilies.He must see respect and support from the family for himself. Secondly, he must really provide for a family,satisfy her basic needs and do it on her own, without outside help. And, thirdly, he must act as a protector of the family, protecting it from danger, hardship and hardship.

2. He must see in the family the need for this male role.He needs to see that the family really needsin him as his head, protector and breadwinner. When a woman begins to earn enough to support herself, when she finds her own place in life, becoming independent from her husband, she ceases to feel the need for him. This is a serious loss for him. His masculine need to see the need for him as a man is so strong that when the need for him disappears, he may doubt the very meaning of his existence. This situation can affect his attitude towards his wife, as his romantic feelings arose in part from her need for protection, shelter and support.

3. He must surpass the woman in the performance of his husbandrole.The man usually realizes the need to fulfill this role more effectively than the wife. However, a threatening situation can arise when a woman achieves greater success in his field, when she occupies a higher position, earns more or succeeds in everything that requires the application of the strength, skills or abilities inherent in men.

The failure of society

Unfortunately, we see how these age-old principles are violated in modern society. Women have invaded the world of men. We have a generation of working mothers competing with men for better results, more prestigious jobs and higher pay.

At home, too, not everything is in order. A woman takes on the function of a leader and tries to do everything in her own way. The wife, who knows how to unconditionally trust her husband, who obeys his leadership and is ready to lean on his hand, has almost disappeared. The woman performs many of the male functions herself. The independence of women has led to the fact that they have ceased to feel the need for male protection and provision, and this is a great loss for both of them.

Since a man does not see the vital necessity of fulfilling his male function, he does not see the need for himself, and therefore does not feel like a real man. When a woman takes on masculine roles, she also takes on masculine traits to better match the work she is doing. This means less femininity, loss of feminine tenderness and charm. When she takes on the responsibilities typical of men, she becomes increasingly stressed, anxious and anxious. This leads to a loss of peace, which is a very valuable quality if she wants to succeed in building a happy home. When she spends time and energy on male work, she neglects important functions that are peculiar to her. As a result, the whole family loses.

To succeed

To succeed, one must firmly remember the masculine role of the head of the family, protector and breadwinner. Remember, if you want your husband to be happy, he must perform husbandrole, feel that you need him, and surpass youin the performance of their role. Let him lead the family, do the male household chores, and provide you with everything you need. And only if absolutely necessary will you be able to cross the line between your roles and take on the male work.

When he plays a male role, don't expect perfection from him. Do not find fault with the little things, do not interfere with how he does it. If he neglects to do a man's job, and as a result, you face serious problems, do not complain. Just tell him, "I have a problem." Clearly and clearly state the nature of the problem and its consequences. Then ask, "What do you think to do about it?" Thus, you will honor him as the head of the family, shift the problem onto his shoulders and help him feel needed. If he still doesn’t tackle the problem, be patient. Change doesn't happen quickly.

Next, start praising him. Acting as a male is not easy, and I'll explain shortly what I mean. Your praise will be his greatest reward. Be generous with your thanks. For him, this is more than a reward for work. Finally, do your own household chores faithfully and consistently. Then you will draw a clear line between your roles and help him succeed in performing male functions.

Mixing roles

When male and female roles are not clearly defined, mixing roles.In this case, the woman does some part of the male work, and the man partly does the female work. If this state of affairs is temporary, it's okay, but if it becomes a way of life, serious harm is done to the family.

Children need to develop in themselves the nature peculiar to their sex, and in this regard, they need to see in their parents not a blurry, but a clear image of a man and a woman in order to take an example from them. The mother demonstrates her feminine image when she plays the female role. When she walks around the house in feminine clothes, performs household chores, lovingly caring for children, babysitting, she forms a feminine image in children. If she radiates contentment and happiness in fulfilling this role, she paints a positive picture of femininity for children.

When the father plays a masculine role as a strong leader, protector and provider, and when the children have the opportunity to see him in action, when he readily takes on masculine responsibilities and enjoys the work, he presents them with a favorable masculine image. If there is a clear distinction between male and female in the home, boys will grow up to be masculine and girls will grow up feminine.

But when everything goes wrong, when the roles are blurred, then a serious problem is brewing in the family. Many cases of homosexuality originated in homes where the roles of men and women were blurred. Girls and boys in such families did not get a clear idea of \u200b\u200bthe male and female image, and could not form an ideal that they could imitate.

Children in the process of education must learn a lot in order to become normal, successful and happy people. But there is nothing more important for a boy than to become masculine, and for a girl to become feminine.

Are the roles fair?

Often women, burdened up to their necks with household chores, busy sixteen hours a day with household chores, question the concept of role differentiation in the family. They believe that this division of roles is unfair because women have to work harder and longer than men. Therefore, they say, men are not allowed to come home and rest while the wife continues to work. They believe that men should help them around the house and especially in raising children.

At first glance, such a statement seems really fair. But there is another point of view on this issue: the female role, no matter how difficult it may be, has only been relevant for about twenty years. Even if the family is large, a woman bears the main burden of worries for twenty years. Then her life is transformed. She finds freedom and, as a rule, a lot of free time. But a man's responsibility to provide a family with a livelihood lasts a lifetime. Even if he is lucky and he retires on time, he never completely relieves himself of the responsibility for ensuring wealth in the family. If you accept this point of view, the division of labor for men and women will seem quite fair to you.

I invite you to remember this period of twenty years. Do your job with joy and willingness, and don't ask too much of your husband. Don't complain if he doesn't help you, keep your marriage happy and cultivate a romantic relationship between you.

MAN LEADERSHIP

A man should play a masculine role, feel that you need him, and surpass you in his performance.roles as head of the family, or leader.

The father is the head, president and head of his family. He was appointed by God to this position, as the Scripture makes clear. The first commandment given to mankind was intended for a woman: "Your desire is for your husband, and he will rule over you." It is quite obvious that our Creator decided that it is very important for a woman to know this commandment, and therefore he addressed these instructions to her.

The Apostle Paul compared the headship of a man over a wife with the headship of Christ over the Church: “Because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church. But as the Church obeys Christ, so also wives to their husbands in everything. " Peter also commanded wives to honor and obey their husbands. He said, “Likewise, you wives, obey your husbands” (Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5: 23-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3: 1).

There is also logicalthe reason why a man should be a leader. In any organization, there must be a leader for correct, trouble-free work. This is the president, captain, manager, director, or boss. This is law and order. The family is a small group of people, and it also needs organization to prevent chaos and anarchy. It doesn't matter if the family is small or large. And even if there are only two members, a husband and a wife, there must be one leader for order to reign in it.

But why should a man lead? Why not a woman? Again using logic, it should be said that a man, by nature and temperament, is a born leader who has a tendency to make decisions and stand by his convictions. A woman, on the other hand, is prone to hesitation. An even more solid reason for a man to be promoted to a leadership role may be the fact that he is the one who makes a living. If he works to provide for his family, he will need a legal basis in his life for this. Women and children adapt more easily to any changes. The last word rightfully belongs to the breadwinner.

Today, every effort is being made to remove male dominance from the family and to proclaim equality, in which the husband and wife make decisions by mutual agreement. At first glance, this is a completely reasonable idea, but in real life such an option is impossible and unrealistic. Very few decisions can really be made by mutual agreement. A husband and wife will most likely never agree on certain issues. When a decision has to be made, someone has to take that responsibility upon himself.

It takes time to reach mutual agreement. But it is not always available. Some decisions in everyday life have to be made very quickly. For example, take your daughter an umbrella and go to school in the pouring rain, or your father take her to school by car. When the father himself makes a decision, all problems are immediately resolved. And it doesn't matter if the daughter gets her feet wet or not, because order in the house is more important. But the father should be the head of the family, not only because of the logic of this situation. It's all about the fulfillment of God's commandments, for they are all given with meaning and for a specific purpose.

The rights of the head of the family, or leader

1. Establishing family rules.When a family is properly organized, it has certain rules of general behavior and behavior at the table, rules for cleaning the house, spending money, behaving in public places and using the family car. Family members can take part in setting the rules. A sensible father can call a family council so that all family members have their say. He can provide the wife with the opportunity to determine the rules of housekeeping, since this topic is closer to her. But, being the head of the family, he retains the last word.

Family is not a democracy where all issues are resolved painby a majority of voices.The family is a theocracy, where the word of the father is the law, for this is how God has established. In the home, the main authority is held by the father, and no other authority in the family is recognized. This issue is non-negotiable. This is the law and order in the Kingdom of God.

You can claim some authority over children because you gave them life and care for them day in and day out. You can deal with the issues of upbringing and punishment of children, their education, religious beliefs and other important aspects. If you start to conflict with your husband about these issues, you will want to have your final say. However, you are wrong. You really must fulfill the sacred duty of motherhood, but you cannot be the leader or the leader in the family. Your husband- this is the shepherd of the flock, and the reins of government of the family findare in his hands.

2. Making decisions.The father also has the right to accept windowsdeliberate decisionon issues that relate to his personal life, work and family. Typically, a family has a variety of choices to make every day. Some of them are irrelevant, for example, whether to take the dog with you to a picnic or leave it at home. But regardless of the simplicity of the problems, decisions on them still need to be made, and sometimes it needs to be done very quickly. The last word rests with the father.

The father also has to make very important decisions about investing money, changing jobs, or moving to another place. Such decisions may require financial austerity or other life changes. If the husband is reasonable, he will first discuss all these issues with his wife in order to listen to her opinion and win her over to his side.

It is interesting to note that the biblical story about Jacob, who worked for his father-in-law for many years, contains the following words: “And the Lord said to Jacob: Return to the land of your fathers and your homeland; and I will be with you. " However, after receiving this command from the Lord, Jacob summoned Rachel and Leah to the field and spoke to them to secure their support. After he explained his situation, Rachel and Leah told him: "So, do whatever God told you." Now he had their support. This was exactly what Jacob needed so that he could do everything that was planned with a calm soul (Genesis 31). Read this passage to your husband. He may want to consult with you more often on important issues.

Sometimes the husband seeks the support of his wife, but does not explain what the matter is. He may think that she does not have sufficient knowledge on this subject and she simply will not understand anything. Or he cannot explain the reasons and justify his plans. Maybe he is guided by intuition. In this case, do not torture your husband. Most likely, his feelings, not his mind, will lead him in the right direction.

In a marriage, a husband and wife are not a pair of horses pulling the same team. They are more like a bow and a bowstring, as Longfellow said in his poem Hiawatha:

A husband and wife are like a bow,

A bow with a strong bowstring;

Although she bends him, she obeys him herself;

Although she pulls him, she is inseparable from him;

Separately, both are useless.

(Translated by I. Bunin)

The role of the wife in leading the family

And although your husband is the undoubted head of the family, you also play a very important role in leading the family. You obey your husband, support him, and sometimes play an active role in which you can clearly and even express yourself clearly. Your husband needs your support, and your thoughts are often valuable to him if you express them correctly. A heavy burden of responsibility rests on his shoulders. He needs to lead the family, make decisions, sometimes extremely important. All responsibility for the decisions made will be borne only by him, regardless of the consequences. Your understanding, support and thoughts are very important to him.

Mumtaz Mahal, the woman in whose honor the Taj Mahal was built, played an important role in her husband's life and had a strong influence on the country's leadership. The daughter of the chief minister, she received a good education, was very smart and had a dignified character. Sultan Shah Jahan consulted with her on many issues, including purely specific topics related to governing the country. There is no doubt that she knew how to very subtly influence her husband, but she did it so skillfully that her husband did not feel the slightest threat from her as the ruler of India. The world is mostly unaware of her enormous contribution to the development of this country. We teach this feminine art in this chapter. The first step in achieving this art is in the elimination of errors.See what the following list applies specifically to you:

Do you make similar mistakes?

1. Leadership.Do you hold the reins of the family in your hands and try to do everything your own way? Are the planners important and do you make decisions with the belief that your husband should agree with them? Do you consult with him on family issues, but in such a way that you always have the last word? Why are you doing this? Maybe you just do not know how to behave differently or do not trust your husband's judgment, or think that you will cope with these problems better than him?

Does he oppose your leadership? Do you bump foreheads? Maybe you find it difficult to submit to your husband's authority? Or do you think that the end justifies the means, and the main thing is that the deed should be done, even to the detriment of respect for your husband?

2. Pressure.Maybe you insist on your own or even grumble and get annoyed? Maybe his resistance leads to frequent quarrels and arguments? Or is he making concessions for the sake of preserving peace? In this case, you get your way by pushing. Soon your children will start using this method too.

3. Nagging.Maybe you find fault and criticize your husband's plans and decisions because you are afraid that he will make a mistake? Or do you distrust his judgment, watch him closely to express your approval or disapproval right there? Are you asking him provocative questions with a note of fear in your voice? This behavior expresses your distrust of him, and he gets the impression that you do not believe in his ability to lead the family. The woman should will not breakshake,and build upa sense of confidence in a husband.

4. Tips.A woman makes a serious mistake when she gives her husband too much advice, too many suggestions, when she tells him what to do and how to do it. When your husband begins to present to you the problem he is facing, listen to his point of view and do not rush to give advice. Alternatively, take your time to think about what you can do in this case, and then discuss the course of action together. Otherwise, here, too, you will show a lack of trust in him, and he will get the impression that you know the answers to all the questions, which means that you do not need him at all and you can quite cope in this life without him.

5. Disobedience.Do you obey your husband only when you agree with him, and if you disagree with him, do you do your own thing? If you are sure of something, but he does not approve of your decision, do you stand your ground? It is very easy to obey your husband when you agree with him. The real test comes when you disagree with him, but decide to obey. How to act in such a situation will be discussed a little later.

How to become obedient

1. Respect his status.Respect his position as head of household and teach your children to respect him. Believe in God's principles that God put him at the head of the family and commanded you to obey him, as the Bible says. If this does not seem entirely fair to you, remember that God knows best how to organize our lives.

2. Let go of the reins of government.Don't try to dominate the family. Give your husband the leadership of the family. Let him lead, and you just obey him. You will be surprised at how well he handles problems without you. Then your faith in him and his self-confidence will grow. After you give him the opportunity to lead, he himself will empower you in certain areas. You will discuss this issue together.

3. Trust him as a child.Don't worry about the consequences of his decisions. Let him worry about it himself. Trust him as a child. This trust is different from our trust in God, for God does not make mistakes, but people do. Give him the right to make mistakes, trust his motives and his judgment. Then you will help him grow, because only childish gullibility can help a man develop a sense of responsibility.

Sometimes your husband's decisions will be counterintuitive. His plans may seem meaningless to you, and his judgments may seem unreasonable. Maybe this is not the case, but such an option is not ruled out. Perhaps he is acting out of inspiration. The ways of the Lord do not always seem logical either. Do not expect every decision your husband makes will be pleasant to you or bring the results you expect. God will lead him through problems for the sake of achieving certain wise, but unknown to us goals. We all have to go through a cleansing fire, and God does it in an incomprehensible way. When your husband is inspired, you need to follow him faithfully, and then, looking back, you will see the hand of the Almighty in your life and be grateful for the outcome of the case.

Frightening times can come when you want to trust your husband, want to see him act on inspiration, but you can't. You will discover vanity, pride and selfishness at the heart of his decisions, and you will see that he is heading for disaster. If he doesn't want to listen to you, what to do? The answer is this: if you can no longer trust your husband, you can always trust God. He put him at the head of the family, and commanded you to obey him. You have every right to ask God for help. If you obey your husband and ask heavenlyFather to lead him, everything will change for the better in the most incomprehensible way.

4. Learn to adapt.Do not be stubborn and do not insist on your own. Adapt to changing circumstances. Obey your husband and follow him where he leads, adapt to the conditions he provides for you. Every ideal wife who can make her husband happy has this quality. This is a rare quality, and it is all the more appreciated by men. To be flexible and compliant, you need to be selfless, think more about him than about yourself, and put your marriage first, above everything else. And towhen you put your bread on the waters, it will return to you in due timewith butter.In short, follow this rule:

To be flexible, you cannot have biased, tough menieabout what you want from life, where and in what house you want to live, what economic level or lifestyle you wanted to achieve and what plans you make for your children. It is perfectly acceptable to have predetermined questions, but they cannot be considered immutable. Your harsh opinion can conflict with your husband's opinion, his plans, which he has in order to succeed in the male role.

In my youth, I had unchanging, rigid concepts. After getting married, I wanted to live in a white two-story house, built on one acre of land with tall rustling trees in the backyard, and a basement filled with barrels of apples. The house was supposed to stand on the outskirts of a city with a population of about twenty thousand people. In winter I wanted to see snow, and in summer - green fields. However, over time, I found that this dream hindered me in many ways, and it was difficult for me to adapt to the circumstances of my real life. When I abandoned these rigid attitudes, it became much easier for me, just like my husband and me.

To be flexible make your dreams transportableand always carry them with you. Make the decision to be happy regardless of the circumstances - on the top of a mountain or in a blazing desert, in poverty and abundance. If you focus on being successful in your home, it is very easy to make your dreams transportable.

5. Be obedient.Obey your husband's advice and edifications, and you will do yourself a good service. Very important qualityobedience. If you obey but are reluctant to do your thing and complain, you won't get very far. But if you obey readily, with a spirit of joyful obedience, God will bless you and your home and give you harmony in your relationship with your husband. Your husband will appreciate your demeanor and will soften at the sight of your supple spirit.

A wife who refuses to obey the advice or command of her husband brings serious disharmony to her marriage. Moreover, you cannot behave like that. Since God has made the husband the head, the wife's rebellious behavior is a sin. So when a wife resists her husband, she loses God's Spirit. The subject of obedience will be dealt with more fully later in this chapter.

6. Be a united front with your husband in the eyes of the children.Even if you and your husband have not reached a mutual agreement, be a united front for the children. Never turn children against their father in the hope of provoking their affection for you. This will make the husband angry, and he may behave harshly towards them. He will not want to give in to the children if you intercede for them. But if you and your husband are at the same time, he will become much more compliant, as the following example clearly shows.

7. Support his plans and decisions.Sometimes your husband needs not only your submission, but also support. Maybe he needs to make a decision for which he does not want to be fully responsible. He may want you to help him with this. In this case, you will need to delve into his plans to make sure that you are ready to support them. If you can, give him the support he needs. If you cannot, explain your position as suggested in the next paragraph. He will be grateful to you for expressing your opinion. If he insists on his own, you can still show your support, even if you disagree with him. It is not his plans that can be supported, but his decision-making power. You can say approximately the following: "I do not agree with your decision, but if you are sure that you are right, do as you see fit, I support you." A little later in the same chapter, we will discuss this topic in more detail.

8. Explain your position.So far I have listed the qualities of an obedient wife. You need to respect his status, let go of the reins of government, trust him, be flexible, obedient, readily support him, even if you disagree with his opinion. However, there are times when you need to express your position.Your understanding of the topic under discussion can be valuable to your husband, as well as your opinion. And it doesn't matter whether he asks you to express your opinion or not, honestly - and, if necessary, persistently - express your opinion on this matter. You do not need to insist on your position, but you must express it. In such conversations, you should adhere to the following rules.

First, think it over yourself first. You must be confident in your position. If you want to ask or propose something, ask yourself if you are guided by selfish motives, if this is honest, if this is not a manifestation of selfishness, or maybe you just want to impose your opinion on your husband. If you disagree with your husband's plans, try to understand why this is happening. Maybe you are afraid of something, or here we can also talk about the manifestation of selfishness on your part? As you reflect on your own motivation, the idea under discussion will become clearer for you. Or you will become even more confident in your position. Many women miss this important point of thinking about their own ideas, believing that the husband should do it. He, in turn, may simply not be inclined to think about your ideas. Then he will be stubborn or categorically refuse your offers. If you are confident in the reasonableness of your arguments, then be sure to speak up and move on to the next step.

Next, you need to pray about it. Through prayer, everything will become much clearer for you. You will either strengthen your beliefs, or you will see serious flaws in them. If you see mistakes in your reasoning, abandon the idea itself and do not think about it anymore. If you are unsure, keep praying and meditating on this topic. If your prayer is answered positively, proceed to the next step.

Approach your husband with confidence. Don't be discouraged. Be unshakable. Speak clearly and, if necessary, firmly. Tell him that you have thought it over and prayed about it. Now you ask him to think and pray about this too. Then trust God. When explaining your position, follow the guidelines for how women should approach their husbands with advice.

Wife's advice

A man wants to see his wife by his side not only for support, but also for advice. Sultan Shah Jahan turned to his wife Mumtaz Mahal for advice, and David Copperfield confided in Agnes a lot. After his marriage to Dora, he had no one to consult with. “Sometimes I wanted,” he confessed, “for my wife to be an advisor to me with a strong and decisive character and the ability to fill the void that seemed to me to arise around me.” All good wives are advisers, mentors, and best friends to their husbands.

Women have a special, unique feminine gift discernmentand intuition,who help them give their husband sound advice. Only a wife, like no one else, knows how to see her husband's life in perspective. You are closer to him than anyone else, but not as close to his problems as he is. He is too close to them, and therefore his understanding of his own problems may be distorted. You see them much better. You are only one step or half a step further from the center of his life. You look wider and your vision is clearer. You worry about him more than anyone else in the whole wide world, and are ready to make any sacrifice for him. And while you may know less than other people, your advice may be more reliable than other people's advice.

Here are the requirements for good counselors: First of all, stop giving adviceor offersas dailyfood. It can tire everyone. He just stops hearing you. Save your advice in case he asks you to speak up or when a very crucial moment comes. If your advice is sparse, he will listen to it more willingly.

Next, stop seeing everything in a negative light. Throw away doubts, fears and worries, otherwise your advice can only do harm. Good counselors are people who always think positively. They are careful but do not allow any negative thoughts. If you find yourself prone to negative thoughts, read a good book on the power of positive thinking.

Then a good counselor can always advise the person about something worthwhile. Develop your character, acquire wisdom, deepen your philosophy of life. Expand your knowledge of life and what is happening around you. Become a selfless person who willingly shares with those around him. If you become a good person, your husband will trust you and seek your advice. But if you are a limited person and focused only on yourself, you will have nothing to offer him. A woman who does not have treasures within herself cannot be a good counselor. When sharing advice with your husband, follow these guidelines.

How a woman should give advice to a man

1. Ask leading questions.The most sophisticated way of giving advice is with leading questions, for example, "Have you ever imagined solving such questions this way?" or “Have you thought of such a possibility? ..” The key word in such questions is the word “you”. The husband can say: "I already thought about it" or "Not yet, but I will think about it." In any case, he will perceive this thought as his own and ponder it, without feeling any threat from the outside.

2. Listen.After leading questions, listen to him. From time to time show signs of attention to his words so that he continues to speak, and then listen carefully again. During the whole conversation, listen more - and speak less. Good counselors are well aware of the importance of listening carefully before giving advice. Better to save the advice for the end of the conversation. Sometimes a smart woman advises nothing at all. She will lead her husband to the fact that he himself will answer all his questions.

3. Share your understanding.When you share your point of view, say: "It seems to me ...", "I feel ...", or "as far as I understand ...", because in this way you will show your perception of this situation. He will not argue with your feelings or perceptions. Don't use phrases like "I think" or "I know." He may resist the fact that you thinkor you know.

4. Do not seek to prove that you know more than him.Do not seek to show that you are wise, know everything, or surpass your husband with your intellect. Do not try to prove yourself an expert in his field and do not hope that he will appreciate your extraordinary mind. Don't ask too many leading questions and don't use the word "why" too often. If he made a mistake, and all this time you knew what had to be done to avoid it, amazed that he does not know this, your complacency will only outrage him.

5. Don't play the role of a mother.Your motherly nature and compassionate attitude can make you feel like his mother. Don't look at him as a little boy who needs an eye and an eye. He does not need to be protected from adversity and responsibility, you do not need to worry about him, as you do about a child.

6. Don't talk to him like a man to a man.Do not speak harshly, as is customary with men, that is, do not put yourself on the same level with him. For example, don't say something like, "Let's make a decision," or "Why don't we look at this option again," or "I think I understand what our problem is." Give him the opportunity to take a dominant position so that he sees that he as a leader is needed and appreciated in this capacity.

7. Don't act like you're bolder than him.If you are giving a man advice on an issue that makes him fearful, don't make the mistake of showing more courage than he does. Suppose he wants to start a new business, change jobs, ask his boss for a pay raise, or try to implement a new idea. He is nervous and afraid of the consequences of his step, as his idea may fail.

If you boldly say, "Why are you hesitating?" or “You have nothing to fear,” you will show more masculine courage than he did. Instead, say, “This idea sounds good to me, but I'm a little scared. Are you sure you really want to do this? " Such meekness can persuade him to show masculine courage, and then he will say: “Everything is not so scary. I think I can handle it. " When a man sees fearfulness in a woman, his natural male courage awakens in him.

8. Do not express an uncompromising opinion.When you give advice to your husband, do not express an adamant opinion. This kind of point of view will generate opposition and controversy, and you will lose your femininity and look like you are trying to get him to take your advice.

9. Don't insist that he act your way.Let him listen to your advice, but do not put any pressure on him. Give him the freedom to choose. It is better for a man to do everything his own way and make mistakes than to put pressure on him and harm your relationship.

Obedience

Now let's take a closer look at one of the most important requirements for your husband's successful leadership. It's about your obedience to him. The first law of Heaven requires obedience,therefore, this law should be the main one in every home. It is the foundation of every well-equipped home, a successful family and a prosperous life for children. The wife is the key to success in this matter. When she is a model of obedience to her husband, the children will definitely follow that example. This will bring not only momentary benefits, but also have far-reaching consequences in the entire life of the family.

On the other hand, when a wife refuses to obey her husband, she shows her own children an example of a rebellious spirit that her children will also follow. They will conclude that they don’t have to obey anyone if they don’t want to. They will decide that there are always some workarounds. When such children go out into the world, it is difficult for them to obey the law, higher authority, teachers at school or institute, or bosses at work. The problem of rebellious youth originates in the home, where the mother did not want to obey her husband or showed no respect for his authority.

The English satirist Northcote Parkinson investigated the causes of the 1970s student revolution that took place in America and blamed women for everything. He told Los Angeles audiences that the problem with American colleges stems from a disrespect for power that started at home: “The general movement, I think, starts with the women's revolution. Women demanded the right to vote and equal rights with men, ceased to submit to the control of their husbands. As a result, they lost control of their own children. ” Mr. Parkinson said that in his Victorian childhood, "the father's word was law, and the mother's greatest threat was her promise to 'tell my father everything.' Today, a mother cannot tell her children that because she herself refused to submit to her husband's authority in the family."

On the other hand, women who strictly obey their husbands demonstrate reverence and respect for their status in the family, set an example of obedience to their children, and they follow this example. Several years ago I went to visit my daughter, and at the same time my son, who was studying at a nearby university, came to visit them. They talked and I listened. Suddenly, in their conversation, one phrase caught my attention.

Paul said to Christine, "When we were kids, it never crossed my mind to disobey my father, did you, Christina?" The daughter answered categorically: "No, I never even allowed the thought of disobeying my father!" I interrupted their conversation with a question: "Why couldn't you disobey your father?" They answered immediately: "You were the key to our obedience, Mom, because you always obeyed Dad, even if it was very difficult!"

At the same instant, an incident came to my mind that had happened several years before. We have been planning a trip to the Florida lakes for several years. Children marked the numbers on the calendar, wanting to bring the date of departure to this remote state closer. When the time came, we bought a new minibus, and happily set off on the long-awaited journey.

When we arrived in South Florida, we bought fried Chicken and sat under an Indian fig tree while our daughters played guitars. The husband walked away for a few minutes to call his son, who was serving as a missionary in Sweden at the time. He started having health problems, and it bothered us a little. When my husband returned, he had a strange expression on his face. “We need to get back to California,” he said. "The son got sick and is being sent home."

At that time, I did not take his words seriously, because I am an optimist. I talked to my husband, advising him to invite his son to visit us in Florida. I figured it would do him good. It seemed to me that I convinced him, after which we all climbed into the car and headed to the lakes. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by the fact that we were driving north, heading for California.

For a long time, in the presence of the children, I tried to persuade him to return to Florida. I was sure that I was doing everything right. I knew that there was no need to return and that the children would be greatly disappointed. I remember how strong the temptation was to take and just exit fromcars.But I didn't. I was aware of the boundaries of what was allowed and finally retreated. The children silently watched me and remembered this episode for the rest of their lives. They understood how difficult it was for me.

Now I saw that scene even more clearly. I thought that they would suffer greatly from disappointment and the interrupted journey would leave scars in their souls for life. But imagine the much more harm I could do to children by my rebellious behavior. I reminded Paul and Christine of that incident and asked if they were disappointed by the interrupted journey. "No," they said, "we realized that we must sacrifice our desires for the welfare of one of us." Our son recovered, and everything ended well, but then he was on the verge of death. I really could have made a serious mistake.

Family leadership problems

1. When the wife is afraid of her husband's failure.Wives all over the world are always apprehensive about their husbands' plans or decisions, because they are afraid of witnessing their failures. Women have to rely on either success or failure. Not a single person has ever succeeded without daring to take risks. It is impossible to get to the top of the mountain, figuratively speaking, without taking the risk. Actually, the success story is woven from many failures. Take Abraham Lincoln's success story, for example.

When he was a young man, he ran for the Illinois State Legislature and was defeated. After that, he took up the business and also failed, and for seventeen years paid off the debts of his unlucky partner. Having become involved in politics, he got into Congress, but there, too, he suffered a fiasco. Then he tried to get into the department of land tenure in the United States, but did not achieve success in this field. He became a candidate for the US Senate and lost again. In 1856, he became a candidate for the post of vice president, but even then he was unlucky. In 1858 he lost the Douglas election. Nevertheless, he still achieved the greatest success in public life. Much of this success can be attributed to his wife Mary Todd, who constantly said, "Someday he will be a great man."

The wife is the key to her husband's success. If she wholeheartedly supports his decisions, whatever they may be, he will be able to survive the mistakes and move on. Otherwise, she will become the reason that he will live his whole life in the shadows. Men who could accomplish great things in their lives remained in the shadows only because they did not find the support of their wives for riceforgedroad to success.

2. When the wife riots.Fear of a possible mistake or failure can provoke a woman to revolt. Christian author Orson Pratt writes the following about this:

“A woman should never be guided by her judgment as opposed to the opinion of her husband, for if her husband plans to do something good, but is wrong in his assessment, the Lord will bless her willingness to follow her husband's advice. God made him the head of the family, and although he may indeed be mistaken in his assessment, God will not excuse his wife if she disobeys his instructions and instructions. The sin of disobedience is much more serious than the mistakes made in finding a solution. For this reason, she will be condemned for opposing her will to the will of her husband ... Be obedient, and God will turn everything for your good: at His appointed time He will correct all the mistakes of her husband ... The wife, refusing to obey her husband's advice, will lose Spirit of God. "

3. When the husband is lost in doubt.Does your husband ever hesitate, not being able to come to a definite decision? If he is naturally overly cautious, come to terms with this trait of his character and learn to live with it. However, it may be driven by fear that you will not understand it. Usually the husband is afraid that his decision will harm the family's well-being. For example, a person wants to continue their studies, but fears that their studies will become a burden on the family's financial situation. In this case, you can support him in this desire, saying that you are ready to make the associated sacrifices.

Or another option. Your husband may be afraid that his decision will entail a reduction in financial support or loss of prestige. He would gladly take up the implementation of his plans, but he lacks the courage for this. If you find that his fears are unfounded, help him gain self-confidence and help him make the right decision.

4. When the husband does not want to lead.Maybe you yourself want your husband to take over the leadership of the family. You dream of a strong hand to lean on, but your husband steps back as a leader. In this case, the wife may become upset and take over the family out of a sense of duty. What can be done to make the husband want to take the position of the head of the family?

First, read the Scripture passages that speak of him as a leader. Discuss with him that the family should have one head. It is the man who is endowed with all the necessary qualities for this, not the woman, and besides, you do not want to be the head of the family. Let him know that you need him as a leader who has consciously taken on this responsibility. Offer him your help and support. After that, take care of your household chores and do them well. Thus, you will clearly draw a line dividing areas of responsibility between you and your husband.

5. When he takes the kids aside.If your husband brings debauchery into the family, if he encourages children to lie, steal and lead an immoral lifestyle or do other unholy deeds, you have the moral right to take them away from such a house, away from this evil influence. If you have no children, you have exactly the same right to leave on your own.

However, if he is just a weak person and because of weakness only stumbled and no longer adheres to the same high moral principles as you, if he neglects spiritual values \u200b\u200bor otherwise shows a weak human nature, be patient and try to save your marriage.

Reward

There is always order in the house run by the husband. There is less controversy and disagreement, but more harmony. When he takes over, he grows in his masculine form. He develops traits such as firmness, determination, self-confidence and a sense of responsibility. When the wife leaves the leadership position, she becomes calmer, less anxious and fidgety, can devote herself to household chores and succeed in this area.

Children raised in a family where the word of the father is law have respect for authority, teachers in schools, leaders in the church, and leaders in all walks of life. In a world ruled by men, there is less crime and violence, fewer divorces and fewer cases of homosexuality. Marriages in such a society are happier, happier than the family, and hence the people themselves. If the patriarchy system could be implemented on a larger scale, we would live in a world based on law and order.

Remember: Better let a man do everything his own way and oshibeats, than to stand in his way and contradict him.

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Your feedback

Consider the difficult topic of the responsibilities of husbands and wives in the family from the point of view of ancient wisdom - the Vedas.

Someone may say that Vedic family responsibilities are not suitable for our time (it is difficult to comply with them), but at the same time it should be noted that non-compliance with these responsibilities leads to problems in the family and causes divorce. For example, in the CIS countries the divorce rate exceeds 50%. Moreover, divorce does not at all guarantee that the next marriage will be more "successful", especially if a person does not begin to study the topic of the duties of a husband and wife, and does not try to build his family life on reasonable principles.

Therefore, let's try to understand what are the main duties of a wife and husband according to the Vedas... These responsibilities did not arise out of nowhere: they rely on knowledge of male and female nature, an understanding of the seven stages of relationships and types of marriage, and take into account male and female psychology. This knowledge, if applied correctly, leads to happiness.

Lack of happiness in a relationship means that either you don't have the knowledge, you don't apply it, or you use it incorrectly.

If we want to improve family relations, create harmony and mutual understanding, it will be right study your responsibilities and try to follow them, and not poke your soul mate with his nose in his duties,because it will create even more problems and disagreements in family relationships.

You need to start with yourself. If the husband sees that his wife begins to better fulfill her duties, he automatically (out of a sense of duty and gratitude) begins to better fulfill his duties. It is also true on the other hand: if a wife sees that her husband is better at fulfilling his responsibilities in the family, she automatically (out of a sense of duty and gratitude) begins to better fulfill hers. The only problem is that usually no one wants to start with themselves, because it is much easier to blame the other for the wrong behavior, although this does not solve the problem, but only exacerbates it. You can't improve a relationship by blaming each other.

Responsibilities of the husband in the family

Let's start with the men, because the man is considered the head of the family. Women can read the husband's duties only for information, but should focus on their duties. In the same way, men should focus on studying and fulfilling their duties, and the duties of a wife may not go deeper.

The husband must earn honestly and with dignity, providing his family with everything that is really needed;
He is obliged to provide each family member with protection and patronage;
A man must be a spiritual leader in the family, and inspire all its members by his example;
Ideally, according to the Vedas, the husband should relieve his wife of the need to earn a living in order to enable her to maintain cleanliness and order in the house, prepare food and raise children;
Also, a man himself must take part in raising children;
The husband is obliged to satisfy the sensual needs of his wife, but he must do so in accordance with the scriptures, avoiding the unlawful.
A man should take care of his older and younger relatives (his and his wife), providing them with all possible help;
The husband is obliged to observe etiquette in dealing with other women, and also to protect his wife from the excessive attention of other men;
A man is responsible for the relationship between his family members, even if the relationship ends in divorce.

Responsibilities of the wife in the family

The husband has no right to reproach his wife for not fulfilling her duties if he himself does not fulfill his own. Likewise, a wife has no right to accuse her husband of not fulfilling his duties if she does not fulfill her own.

The wife should do housework, prepare food and maintain order and cleanliness in the house (if cleaning is difficult, ask the husband);
She is not obliged to earn a living, but can engage in activities that bring her satisfaction and some money (dishonest earnings are excluded);
The wife is obliged to bring up the children;
A woman should actively help her husband to become a real spiritual leader for her family;
The wife is obliged to give birth, raise and properly raise at least one child. The Vedas say that parents are obliged to give the world worthy offspring.
A woman, like a man, should take care of her relatives, both her own and her husband, and help them as much as possible.
The wife is obliged to observe etiquette in dealing with other men, and also to protect her husband from excessive attention from other women.

Family responsibilities of spouses according to the Vedas

Be that as it may, the main responsibility for fulfilling the duties of the spouses within the family rests with the husband.

By entering into a marriage, both spouses bear equal responsibility both to their own parents and to each other's parents;
Spouses should take good care of their children, support and educate them. This applies to their own children, and to children born in previous marriages, as well as those who have been adopted (adopted) or taken into care;
Spouses are obliged to respect each other's religious beliefs.
Parents should give their children a free choice of their spiritual position, not press or persuade them to accept this or that spiritual tradition and follow this or that spiritual practice.
Spouses are obliged to take care of their parents, providing them with moral and material support, to the extent possible, to participate in the joint household, and also to allow them to participate in the upbringing of their grandchildren;
Spouses should take care of their disabled relatives, providing them with moral and material support to the extent possible;
Spouses should maintain good relationships with work colleagues and neighbors.

So, in a nutshell, we examined what men and women should do in family relationships, relying on the Vedas. The fulfillment by a husband and wife of their family responsibilities creates peace and harmony in the family, allows them to maintain good relations and raise worthy offspring.

In addition to the topic, there are some more interesting and important points from Vedic lectures, in particular from the lectures of A. Khakimov.

A man, ideally, should have three qualities.

To know the highest goal and meaning of life: self-awareness, cognition of one's true spiritual nature, cognition of God and the development of love for Him. Otherwise, a man will not be able to be a spiritual leader in the family and ensure the rationality and correct development of relations. Not knowing the highest goal and meaning of life, he slips into the animal satisfaction of his own feelings, which contributes to the spiritual degradation of the whole family. Therefore, it is in the interests of a woman to find herself a worthy man who knows why life is given to a person, and can lead all family members to the achievement of this highest goal.
He must have fearlessness and determination. Realizing the goal of the human form of life, a man gains fearlessness in achieving this goal by sacrificing temporary material pleasure and suffering.
Generosity. But this does not mean to distribute everything to everyone and be left with nothing, because a man has responsibilities in the family that are no less important than the possession of this quality, therefore rationality is needed here.

The five roles of women in family relationships

The role of the wife. The wife is obliged to remind her husband of the purpose of life and his responsibilities, if he forgets. Not to be confused with reproaches and accusations.
The role of the mistress. The wife should become the best lover for her husband, so that he does not even think about other women. At home, the wife should look prettier than going to the store or to work. The beauty of the wife is important to the husband when she is with him, and not when elsewhere.
The role of the daughter. When the husband is not in the mood, when he is angry or dissatisfied with something, the wife should accept the role of the daughter, which means not to annoy the husband, to be calm, humble and obedient.
The role of the sister - is needed in cases where the husband is not able to pay much attention to his wife. Then the wife is content with any attention of her husband, without pretending to be more. She, as it were, temporarily becomes an understanding sister to him.
The role of the mother - it is appropriate to show that if the husband is sick, helpless or depressed by problems, then the wife should behave like a caring mother.

Sensitivity of a woman

It is said that a woman is nine times more sensitive than a man - her mind, feelings, intuition are more sensitive. She feels everything much deeper than a man, more happy and more worried. So, on the one hand, this is good, but on the other hand, it is not very good. That is why a woman should always be under the protection of a man, be it a father (before marriage), husband or son (if the husband is not around).

The Purpose of Marriage and Family Relations

In Vedic times, marriage was considered a sacred union protected by God. There were practically no divorces, since there were no serious problems in the relationship. Each family member knew his duty and fulfilled his duties.

In our time, the attitude towards marriage is becoming more and more frivolous, the number of civil marriages is growing, which indicates a decrease in responsibility for relationships and unwillingness to fulfill their responsibilities in the family. This testifies to the spiritual degradation of humanity. “A good deed will not be called a marriage” - this phrase is no longer a joke.

In America, it has come to the point that there are virtual families, virtual online relationships, entire Internet families consisting of people who almost never leave their homes. They have replaced real life with illusion. You can imagine what will happen next if you do not take up the mind.

What is the purpose of marriage? Marriage is needed in order to create not random offspring, but worthy ones. In the Vedas it is said that if a child is born “on flight”, without true bright feelings of parents at the moment of conception, without the proper mentality, it is not planned, he cannot become a worthy procreation. At the moment of conception, the soul enters the womb of the mother through the male seed. And what kind of soul is attracted? The one that matches the vibrations of the parents. If these vibrations are low, if there is only an animal instinct for copulation in order to get pleasure, then the qualities of the child will be the same - to live with the goal of getting pleasure, nothing more. So we get a society of egoists who think only of themselves, reject the reasonable principles of a harmonious life, destroy morality, worsen the environment and cause violence and wars.

Correct conception of a child

In the Vedas there is a whole section of knowledge called "Kama Shastras", it is devoted to all the issues of building relationships correctly, creating a suitable environment for conceiving a child who will have good character traits, and other related things.

This world needs good people. Good people cannot be created through hypnosis, programming, cloning, or other artificial means. Good people are born legally as a result of the right mindset at the moment of conception, as well as the right upbringing.

Parents must plan for the child. This means that before conceiving, you need to imagine his image: what it should be. You need to meditate on the best qualities that you want to develop in him. A wife should ask her husband what kind of child he wants, what qualities he should have, and, having learned this, she should place this bright image in her heart.

This is the right approach to conception and is a topic worthy of careful study - don't limit yourself to this short synopsis. It is better to spend a month or a year studying and preparing for the correct conception than then suffering from a bad relationship with a child for at least 18 years.

With milk and songs, the mother should instill in the child the highest taste and good qualities. Those women who knew how to do it correctly were called the word "Vesta". And those who did not know were called "bride". Now there are many brides, and the world gets unwanted offspring from this - people who do not have good qualities.

Therefore, the dissemination and study of ancient knowledge about building the right relationships in accordance with the responsibilities of husbands and wives in the family is a very important step towards a brighter future, the importance of which can hardly be overestimated.