Blog murashnoy snob. Katerina Murashova: A tangled story. What's right for me is right for the baby
When a child comes into this world, everyone, especially parents, want him to be happy and grow up to be a good person. What happens next? At some point, we begin to experience failures leading to the opposite effect! Faktrum lists ten common misconceptions about parenting.
1. I will live for my children
“I have something to live for. I will live for my children. Their upbringing is my main task.”
Ekaterina Murashova © Snob.ru No one can be a goal for anyone - this is too much responsibility that falls on the shoulders of a newborn. If I live for you, you must answer me with something, meet my expectations. There comes a time when the child cannot do this, because of which he begins to feel guilty. He understands what sacrifices his parents made for him.
Two hundred years ago, a woman who entered the reproductive cycle had five or six children, a small cemetery of dead babies and lived in order to raise the survivors. The children took it quite calmly, because her self-sacrifice was shared by everyone. Now, not only the mother who lives for him, but also grandparents from both sides, who have been waiting for him for a long, long time, often falls on one child. For a child, this is difficult psychologically, in connection with this, problems may arise. In a certain period of time, humanity managed to defeat child mortality and almost all infections that mowed down entire cities. Only one thing has survived and it's neuropsychiatric diseases, and they are constantly getting younger: juvenile depression, Alzheimer's disease, autism spectrum disorders and others. Just one mistake related to the attitude “I have something to live for” is enough to ensure neurotic development in a child.
2. Playing Democracy
“The child is my equal person. Freedom, equality and fraternity.
You saw a duck with ducklings, how they walk: the mother goes in front, and the cubs follow her. Have ducklings ever gone in the other direction? Of course, there were, only they were weeded out by natural selection. They were eaten. In the process of evolution, with the help of natural selection, cubs were selected that were able to follow the female, or two parents, if the upbringing of the species is carried out jointly. And so the child finds himself in a world where he is told: "You are an equal person to me." In such a world, he is forced to dispose of adults, and this is beyond his power. As a result, we again have neuroticism.
Often the “game of democracy” is rooted in the childhood of the parents. Most of them had difficult family relationships, so now they want to become "friends" with their children. As a rule, this is a hippie single mother with a son who agrees to everything, as long as she does not touch him, and she tries to "be a good mother" and a friend. This is the only option for democratic education. In a large family, such a situation is impossible, because someone will always stand out. When you behave like a "big duck", build a world for the child, with its dangers and "beauties" - this is respect and proper behavior towards him. Because he came into the world under your wing, and it will take some time before he says that he has already grown up and it is time for him to become an "adult duck" himself.
3. There is only one correct parenting model.
“There are many different parenting options and there is probably a right one somewhere that needs to be found and used.”
The population needs children who can follow instructions carefully, but they also need those who can break them. The only criterion that you should rely on when educating is yourself. What to do if the older generation interferes in education? For example, you forbid your daughter to play with her makeup, but she goes to her mother-in-law, and she gives her hers. How do you set boundaries in this case?
You have to understand that grandparents - no matter what they say - are absolutely right, because there are simply no wrong models. Moreover, according to one of these models you have already been brought up. You should not be afraid to tell them: “Thank you, dear ones, for your opinion, but this is my family and my child, and he will do as we do. But thank you, because you are right." There will be a border: you can take mother-in-law's cosmetics, but you can't take mine. There will be no break in the pattern in the minds of children.
My eldest daughter was a completely independent child at the age of five. I used to take her to my grandmother and great-grandmother for the weekend. My great-grandmother, who raised me, stopped recognizing me after suffering a stroke. But she recognized my daughter perfectly, and, moreover, when I brought her, she seemed to turn on and behave in a completely different way. It looked like this: the door opens, my independent daughter enters the corridor, lies down on her back, lifts her legs up and says: “You, Galya (this is my mother), take off my boots, and you, bula (abbr. granny), carry cinnamon rolls". I begin to embarrassedly hint that maybe, if not wash your hands, then at least undress first, and then buns. To which my grandmother, shuffling her slippers, with a tray of buns in her hands, answers me: “Let the baby eat the first bun in the corridor, what’s wrong?” And throws a bun in there. What could I object to the woman who raised me, who no longer recognizes me? All I had to do was walk out the door and disappear.
Two days later, I received my child, and as soon as she stepped over the threshold, the borders on which she lived at home turned on with a click. Children are able to distinguish between boundaries, the main thing is that they are clearly delineated. Our task is to tell the child what world he has entered and to form his own model of education.
4. The child will cope with his studies
“They didn’t do lessons with me, but I learned. I grew up as a normal person, so there is some kind of guarantee.”
This position is logically consistent, except for one thing: you are not your parents, your child is not you, and the world in which you raise your child is not the one in which you were raised. A child may differ in temperament, strength of the nervous system and other parameters, but there is no need to talk about differences in the environment. Therefore, using other people's models, and even more so letting everything take its course, is not the best way to solve the problem. There is a chance that the child will cope with everything on his own and be able to achieve a lot, but to increase this chance, help your child.
5. Stick and carrot
The "carrot and stick" method: positive and negative reinforcement.
There are two types of people who don't steal. Some are afraid that they will be sent to prison, others feel that they will get dirty in it. "Carrot and stick" can only bring up a child of the first type. The second type is the feelings laid down by significant people since childhood. There is no internal moral law, there is something that was once laid in us, although we do not remember it. Negative reinforcement can only stop unwanted behavior. To cultivate good habits, you need to remember about positive reinforcement. When your child does something good - especially if he has done the opposite in a similar situation before - tell him how good it is. The child wants to be good and, noticing moments marked by praise, will try to repeat them.
At the same time, project these feelings onto yourself: it makes no sense to say that the child acts well or badly towards another person, the only person whose emotions and feelings excite him is you yourself. Take responsibility.
6. Children are not animals
"Methods that are applied to animals should not be applied to children: it is immoral."
This is mistake. When babies are born, they are 80% small animals. Humanization begins almost immediately, but occurs gradually. While the child is small, there is a lot of animal in him. And the things that apply to raising kittens, puppies and other animals apply to him too. Let us recall the conditioned reflex evoked by the method of positive and negative reinforcement.
7. Negotiations with the child
"You can always negotiate with a child."
Psychologist Lorenz Kohlberg built the stages of a child's development on the basis of his moral development. The children were offered the conditions of the problem: there is one boy who was forbidden to climb into the buffet for jam. One day, while no one was looking, he decided to get some jam and accidentally dropped the cup; she fell and broke. And there is another boy whose parents asked him to carry a tray of cups from the kitchen to the dining room. When he was carrying a tray, he accidentally stumbled and broke all the cups. After that, the question was asked about which boy, in their opinion, was more to blame. Children under the age of five answered that the second one was because he broke more cups.
When you negotiate with a small child, you need to understand that you are trying to negotiate with a structure that is significantly different from you in intellectual, psychophysiological, moral and ethical terms. Sometimes you have to say that it will be because you are older and more experienced. It is not necessary to explain how the electric current works, because the child does not care, he just wants to put his fingers in the socket. You need to start negotiating when the child has formed ideas about the cause-and-effect relationship and he starts asking the question “why”, to which you will be required to answer. This maturation usually occurs after three years.
8. What is right for me is right for the child.
“If something is obvious to me, the child will understand it too sooner or later. If I think that education is absolutely necessary, he will begin to think so too.
It is a mistake to believe that if a teacher at school says that your child is smart and he just needs to try a little harder, or you give him examples of other children who have taken up their minds, or refer to authoritative people, then sooner or later the child will understand what is needed. take up studies. What is obvious and right for you is not obvious and wrong for him. And no matter how much you explain to the child, it will not change much.
9. I know better what he needs
“I am older and smarter than my child, so I know better what he needs.”
Logically, this is consistent, the child really has much less information, strength, and ability to form cause-and-effect relationships. But he is not you. What you need, the child may not be useful at all, because he is different, he may have completely different needs. You can try to tell him about your views, but at the same time show that this is your opinion: “it seems to me”, “I think so”. Do not say that it is obvious to everyone that higher education is needed. This is obvious to everyone, except for those who have found their place in life without him and are happy.
10. The child will solve my problems
"My child came into this world so that I could solve some of my problems."
It can be loneliness, replenishment of harmony in the family, or hope for care in old age. There is a phenomenon of mom-animator. It looks like this: “In the morning we have 15 minutes of classes with kinetic sand, then cards on Glenn Doman, after which we study for half an hour on Duchenne, then a walk, there we feed the ducks, at the same time we learn Latin names, followed by lunch and fifteen minutes of role-playing games , then we have modeling ... " Such a mother could not realize some of her own needs and now she projects them onto the child, actually interacting with herself.
The problem is that after some time she suddenly discovers that behind all this there is a living person, with his own worldview and interests. And when he begins to fall short of a certain level or refuses to do what he does not like, such a mother becomes depressed, because she has already planned everything. There is no positive way out of this situation. Sooner or later, this will affect both the parents and the child. A child does not come into the world for you to solve your problems. He comes as a new entity, and he should decide, not you. The world creates something new through you, and this is a real miracle.
When a child comes into this world, everyone, especially parents, want him to be happy and grow up to be a good person. What happens next? At some point, we begin to experience failures leading to the opposite effect! Faktrum lists ten common misconceptions about parenting.
1. I will live for my children
“I have something to live for. I will live for my children. Their upbringing is my main task.”
Ekaterina Murashova © Snob.ru No one can be a goal for anyone - this is too much responsibility that falls on the shoulders of a newborn. If I live for you, you must answer me with something, meet my expectations. There comes a time when the child cannot do this, because of which he begins to feel guilty. He understands what sacrifices his parents made for him.
Two hundred years ago, a woman who entered the reproductive cycle had five or six children, a small cemetery of dead babies and lived in order to raise the survivors. The children took it quite calmly, because her self-sacrifice was shared by everyone. Now, not only the mother who lives for him, but also grandparents from both sides, who have been waiting for him for a long, long time, often falls on one child. For a child, this is difficult psychologically, in connection with this, problems may arise. In a certain period of time, humanity managed to defeat child mortality and almost all infections that mowed down entire cities. Only one thing has survived and it's neuropsychiatric diseases, and they are constantly getting younger: juvenile depression, Alzheimer's disease, autism spectrum disorders and others. Just one mistake related to the attitude “I have something to live for” is enough to ensure neurotic development in a child.
2. Playing Democracy
“The child is my equal person. Freedom, equality and fraternity.
You saw a duck with ducklings, how they walk: the mother goes in front, and the cubs follow her. Have ducklings ever gone in the other direction? Of course, there were, only they were weeded out by natural selection. They were eaten. In the process of evolution, with the help of natural selection, cubs were selected that were able to follow the female, or two parents, if the upbringing of the species is carried out jointly. And so the child finds himself in a world where he is told: "You are an equal person to me." In such a world, he is forced to dispose of adults, and this is beyond his power. As a result, we again have neuroticism.
Often the “game of democracy” is rooted in the childhood of the parents. Most of them had difficult family relationships, so now they want to become "friends" with their children. As a rule, this is a hippie single mother with a son who agrees to everything, as long as she does not touch him, and she tries to "be a good mother" and a friend. This is the only option for democratic education. In a large family, such a situation is impossible, because someone will always stand out. When you behave like a "big duck", build a world for the child, with its dangers and "beauties" - this is respect and proper behavior towards him. Because he came into the world under your wing, and it will take some time before he says that he has already grown up and it is time for him to become an "adult duck" himself.
3. There is only one correct parenting model.
“There are many different parenting options and there is probably a right one somewhere that needs to be found and used.”
The population needs children who can follow instructions carefully, but they also need those who can break them. The only criterion that you should rely on when educating is yourself. What to do if the older generation interferes in education? For example, you forbid your daughter to play with her makeup, but she goes to her mother-in-law, and she gives her hers. How do you set boundaries in this case?
You have to understand that grandparents - no matter what they say - are absolutely right, because there are simply no wrong models. Moreover, according to one of these models you have already been brought up. You should not be afraid to tell them: “Thank you, dear ones, for your opinion, but this is my family and my child, and he will do as we do. But thank you, because you are right." There will be a border: you can take mother-in-law's cosmetics, but you can't take mine. There will be no break in the pattern in the minds of children.
My eldest daughter was a completely independent child at the age of five. I used to take her to my grandmother and great-grandmother for the weekend. My great-grandmother, who raised me, stopped recognizing me after suffering a stroke. But she recognized my daughter perfectly, and, moreover, when I brought her, she seemed to turn on and behave in a completely different way. It looked like this: the door opens, my independent daughter enters the corridor, lies down on her back, lifts her legs up and says: “You, Galya (this is my mother), take off my boots, and you, bula (abbr. granny), carry cinnamon rolls". I begin to embarrassedly hint that maybe, if not wash your hands, then at least undress first, and then buns. To which my grandmother, shuffling her slippers, with a tray of buns in her hands, answers me: “Let the baby eat the first bun in the corridor, what’s wrong?” And throws a bun in there. What could I object to the woman who raised me, who no longer recognizes me? All I had to do was walk out the door and disappear.
Two days later, I received my child, and as soon as she stepped over the threshold, the borders on which she lived at home turned on with a click. Children are able to distinguish between boundaries, the main thing is that they are clearly delineated. Our task is to tell the child what world he has entered and to form his own model of education.
4. The child will cope with his studies
“They didn’t do lessons with me, but I learned. I grew up as a normal person, so there is some kind of guarantee.”
This position is logically consistent, except for one thing: you are not your parents, your child is not you, and the world in which you raise your child is not the one in which you were raised. A child may differ in temperament, strength of the nervous system and other parameters, but there is no need to talk about differences in the environment. Therefore, using other people's models, and even more so letting everything take its course, is not the best way to solve the problem. There is a chance that the child will cope with everything on his own and be able to achieve a lot, but to increase this chance, help your child.
5. Stick and carrot
The "carrot and stick" method: positive and negative reinforcement.
There are two types of people who don't steal. Some are afraid that they will be sent to prison, others feel that they will get dirty in it. "Carrot and stick" can only bring up a child of the first type. The second type is the feelings laid down by significant people since childhood. There is no internal moral law, there is something that was once laid in us, although we do not remember it. Negative reinforcement can only stop unwanted behavior. To cultivate good habits, you need to remember about positive reinforcement. When your child does something good - especially if he has done the opposite in a similar situation before - tell him how good it is. The child wants to be good and, noticing moments marked by praise, will try to repeat them.
At the same time, project these feelings onto yourself: it makes no sense to say that the child acts well or badly towards another person, the only person whose emotions and feelings excite him is you yourself. Take responsibility.
6. Children are not animals
"Methods that are applied to animals should not be applied to children: it is immoral."
This is mistake. When babies are born, they are 80% small animals. Humanization begins almost immediately, but occurs gradually. While the child is small, there is a lot of animal in him. And the things that apply to raising kittens, puppies and other animals apply to him too. Let us recall the conditioned reflex evoked by the method of positive and negative reinforcement.
7. Negotiations with the child
"You can always negotiate with a child."
Psychologist Lorenz Kohlberg built the stages of a child's development on the basis of his moral development. The children were offered the conditions of the problem: there is one boy who was forbidden to climb into the buffet for jam. One day, while no one was looking, he decided to get some jam and accidentally dropped the cup; she fell and broke. And there is another boy whose parents asked him to carry a tray of cups from the kitchen to the dining room. When he was carrying a tray, he accidentally stumbled and broke all the cups. After that, the question was asked about which boy, in their opinion, was more to blame. Children under the age of five answered that the second one was because he broke more cups.
When you negotiate with a small child, you need to understand that you are trying to negotiate with a structure that is significantly different from you in intellectual, psychophysiological, moral and ethical terms. Sometimes you have to say that it will be because you are older and more experienced. It is not necessary to explain how the electric current works, because the child does not care, he just wants to put his fingers in the socket. You need to start negotiating when the child has formed ideas about the cause-and-effect relationship and he starts asking the question “why”, to which you will be required to answer. This maturation usually occurs after three years.
8. What is right for me is right for the child.
“If something is obvious to me, the child will understand it too sooner or later. If I think that education is absolutely necessary, he will begin to think so too.
It is a mistake to believe that if a teacher at school says that your child is smart and he just needs to try a little harder, or you give him examples of other children who have taken up their minds, or refer to authoritative people, then sooner or later the child will understand what is needed. take up studies. What is obvious and right for you is not obvious and wrong for him. And no matter how much you explain to the child, it will not change much.
9. I know better what he needs
“I am older and smarter than my child, so I know better what he needs.”
Logically, this is consistent, the child really has much less information, strength, and ability to form cause-and-effect relationships. But he is not you. What you need, the child may not be useful at all, because he is different, he may have completely different needs. You can try to tell him about your views, but at the same time show that this is your opinion: “it seems to me”, “I think so”. Do not say that it is obvious to everyone that higher education is needed. This is obvious to everyone, except for those who have found their place in life without him and are happy.
10. The child will solve my problems
"My child came into this world so that I could solve some of my problems."
It can be loneliness, replenishment of harmony in the family, or hope for care in old age. There is a phenomenon of mom-animator. It looks like this: “In the morning we have 15 minutes of classes with kinetic sand, then cards on Glenn Doman, after which we study for half an hour on Duchenne, then a walk, there we feed the ducks, at the same time we learn Latin names, followed by lunch and fifteen minutes of role-playing games , then we have modeling ... " Such a mother could not realize some of her own needs and now she projects them onto the child, actually interacting with herself.
The problem is that after some time she suddenly discovers that behind all this there is a living person, with his own worldview and interests. And when he begins to fall short of a certain level or refuses to do what he does not like, such a mother becomes depressed, because she has already planned everything. There is no positive way out of this situation. Sooner or later, this will affect both the parents and the child. A child does not come into the world for you to solve your problems. He comes as a new entity, and he should decide, not you. The world creates something new through you, and this is a real miracle.
I really like to read Katerina Murashova. She works as a family psychologist in St. Petersburg and writes books.
"Tangled Story" tells about a family consisting of mother Albina, father Moses (Monya) and two boys - Alexander Zhaydarovich and Solomon Moiseevich (Mosi). And a dangerous grandmother...
- The day before yesterday we were at the head of the department, Nina Petrovna, with the results of examinations, she has been observing Monya since birth, she knows our family. As a doctor, I trust her very much and told her something. And now she told me that it was our own fault. They arranged for the child such a life that here anyone who wants to get sick. And it's strange that it lasted so long. And I read on the Internet that yes, there is almost always psychosomatics. And she told me to go to a psychologist, that is, to you, she said that if anyone can help us, it's you. And so I immediately signed up and came, but I didn’t even bring Monya, because he’s got nothing to do with it, and he has lessons now, but what can you do here, if we are all like that, and life is like that, and what a psychologist can change, I don’t understand, but Nina Petrovna is an authority for me ...
- Stop! I couldn't resist. Monya is your son?
- Yes son. Younger.
- What is his full name?
— Solomon.
- Strongly.
- I didn’t want to, it was Mosya and his mother who insisted.
— Mosya? I sighed.
Yes, Mosya is my husband and his father. Moses.
- So your son is Solomon Moiseevich. Fine. What is the elder's name?
- Alexander. Sasha.
— Alexander Moiseevich?
- Not. Alexander Zhaidarovich.
- O! Then tell from the beginning.
The professional life of my visitor Albina developed very well, after graduation she easily defended herself and loved her crystallography. But personal life did not develop in any way. Albina even thought that maybe something was wrong with her - she didn’t particularly like any of the male boys, and she didn’t seem to need anything but crystallography, books, good films and traveling with friends . But the elderly mother insisted, and Albina herself understood: it was time. She gave birth to Sashenka for herself. She honestly admitted that she used Zhaidar, a tall and attractive trainee from Kazakhstan, who showed her timid signs of attention, as a producer deliberately and almost cynically: she would practice and leave for her homeland, there was no need to find out and explain anything. That's how it all happened. Sashenka is a handsome and healthy man with olive eyes, he was born to everyone's joy. Albina's mother did not overload her daughter with childcare, rather, she pushed her away from her grandson.
And now, when it was no longer expected - meet love. Albina met Moses at a conference, and then it turned out that they live on the same street, just two trolleybus stops from each other. And it all kind of unfolded very quickly. Moses and little Sashenka easily found a common language and together played soldiers on the carpet. And Albina discovered that she was pregnant. Mosya, without a moment's hesitation, said: we'll get married immediately and we'll all move in with us - we have a large four-room apartment: one room for my mother, one for Sasha, two for me and the baby! Albina was touched and agreed.
Absorbed by the sudden and joyful changes in her life, Albina, the mother of Moses, did not notice much at first. But in vain. Because mother had significant views and influence on Moses.
But first, everyone was waiting for the birth of Moni. And solemnly everyone together met Albina from the maternity hospital, and two grandmothers cackled over the baby, and Mosya, a mathematician, melting with delight, actually counted tiny fingers and constantly lost count from happy tears covering his eyes.
Then there was an anthology for the wives of sissies: and my mother never salts buckwheat porridge when cooking, maybe that's why it turns out - a grain to a grain. And recommendations: my Mosya loves ma-a-scarlet cutlets, and not such bast shoes in half a frying pan!
All this Albina, absorbed by the children (Sasha brought infection after infection from the kindergarten, Monya had diathesis), endured relatively easily. As well as the fact that the mother of Moses "does not intend to knock on the door in her apartment as in a hostel." Moreover, the mother-in-law never refused to sit with Monya, take him to her room and play while Albina studied with Sasha.
But after some time, Sashenka asked Albina: Mom, what is a bastard?
“It's an old swear word. But where did you get it from? mother was surprised.
“Grandma talks about me like that on the phone. I'm a narrow-eyed bastard, and Monya is our prince.
Albina got ready in less than an hour, although there were a lot of things. Good to go close.
In the evening, after work, Mosya came for explanations. Got them. He knelt: forgive me and let me stay here, with you and your sons. Albina allowed. The five of us lived in two rooms - nothing. As for the children and mother-in-law, Albina was categorical: they will not be there!
Six months later, my mother-in-law had a stroke. Mosya, of course, went there. She asked: bring your grandson (younger, of course) - to say goodbye. Brought. Once again. And further. Monet liked it there: there are a lot of places and toys just for him.
The stroke, fortunately, was not severe, the mother-in-law quickly recovered, but as soon as Mosya spent the night with the family a couple of times in a row, the call followed: you know, I somehow feel strange ... Fearing the irreparable, Mosya rushed there, and even with repentance: “ It’s my fault: my mother put her whole life on me, and I actually abandoned her and deprived her grandson.
- You deprived? Isn't she herself? - once Albina felt tired, and asked Mosya to decide.
He was a blind-sighted humanist and decided to give it to someone who was weaker.
The family would undoubtedly have collapsed completely if not for Albina's mother. She said: yes, let your Moses live with her mother. We will be calmer. And here to the boys and you comes. At least every day. Is the path great? And let Monya go there to this grymza at least sometimes - what are we, animals or what? - as I imagine that someone will deprive me of Sashenka ...
And so it happened. Mosya came almost every day, did not distinguish between boys, fiddled with both. But he took only the youngest to his grandmother. We traveled between houses on scooters. Monet liked to go there, it was festive and interesting. Moreover, he loved his grandmother herself, watched films with her, read with her, helped her with the housework, take care of the flowers. But he was a kind boy and he immediately gave toys and sweets he brought with him to his brother. However, Albina was worried. And once, in the mood, I even found Zhaidar via the Internet, sent him a photo. Married for a long time and having two daughters and a son, Zhaidar was furiously delighted: son, first-born, handsome! He flew in to get acquainted, invited everyone, including Moses and grandmother, to Kazakhstan. At first, Sasha was somewhat stunned by this turn of events, but then he was nevertheless glad. He told the youngest: now I have two fathers, and immediately added for the sake of justice: and you have two grandmothers!
Did everything work out well? Alas. There is no free cheese. Monya has had eczema for more than six months. Moreover, there is a clear pattern, although Mosya tries to deny it: he goes to his grandmother - it gets worse.
- Maybe an allergy in the apartment?
- Everything is as it was under her grandfather.
- Did you get a pet so that it would not be boring?
There is a cat older than both boys. She has always been. But we took samples, for cats - nothing. There is on alder pollen, it seems. But where did she get the alder? .. No, Nina Petrovna is right, we arranged it all, as it suits us, and the children are paying ...
“Listen, children come into this world not knowing how it works. They are ready to adapt to anything.
- Even to dad on a scooter at two trolleybus stops?
“Yes,” I said firmly. - And not only to this.
But she doubted herself. Already a very clear connection: I went to my grandmother - eczema intensified. Maybe she continues to call the older one, while the younger one is silent and worried? Maybe the grandmother insults his mother? But then he could simply refuse to go there... Blackmail?
Then I talked to Mona. He did not see any psychological problems anywhere and scratched fiercely between his fingers. Then - with Moses. He blamed himself for everything and was ready, if necessary, to lie down on the couch with a psychoanalyst. Then - you won't believe it! - I talked with Mosin's mother. She blamed everyone around her, except, of course, her adored and suffering grandson. But all as one showed complete readiness for cooperation. And I ran out of ideas and did not know what to offer them. Don't go to Monet's grandmother? But this will definitely upset all the fragile family balance: the grandmother will get bored and sick, Mosya will bite herself to death and destroy relations with Albina, both boys will suffer ... Well, do a good face with a bad game? I admitted my powerlessness.
Finally, I suggested that they try to tailor a research program - we were three scientists there, one former and two current ones - just shuffle the factors like a deck of cards, and keep a diary of observations. And their program worked.
Are you wondering what it was?
Dieffenbachia is a large beautiful flower with variegated leaves, which the grandmother took to her collection after the death of her friend. His pot took its place on the windowsill where the old cat liked to lie. The cat broke the leaves, the juice stood out, Monya always liked to take care of the flowers, and it was already difficult for my grandmother. Dieffenbachia juice is irritating for some, and Monya had diathesis as a child, therefore, a predisposition.
Dieffenbachia was removed, eczema subsided after three months.
Ekaterina Murashova has been working as a family psychologist for more than 25 years, taking children and their parents in one of the children's clinics in St. Petersburg. In addition, she writes adventure and non-fiction books (Correction Class, Mattress Children and Disaster Children, Love or Nurture, We All Come from Childhood) and maintains a popular blog on the Snob website. . In an interview with Anews.com, the psychologist told what problems modern families come to her with, why today's children are “dull creatures”, and what things exactly should be avoided when raising a child.
“The Soviet family had lower expectations, children were not seen as a project”
You work a lot with children and their parents as a psychologist. The most common problems that patients come to you with - what are they, what are they connected with?
The most common today are the same as yesterday and the day before yesterday. A discrepancy between expectations and reality .... Let's just say that the children do not meet the expectations of their parents: “I thought she would study well, but she studies poorly”, “I thought it would be a bright joy, but she brings me to a rabid”, “I am so dreamed of a child, I thought she would become my friend and we would be “friends passionately”, but she doesn’t tell me anything”, “I thought he would play hockey like me, but he generally refuses to go somewhere” and etc.
- It turns out that over time the problems do not change at all?
Dominant - no. That is, to say that 25 years ago, when I started working, some other problems prevailed, no, there is no such thing. Naturally, time goes by. When I started working, no one came to me with a computer addiction due to the lack of computers.
- If we consider the modern family and the Soviet one and their problems ...
The Soviet family had much lower expectations. Children were not considered as a project. Children were seen as a natural extension. If they brought joy - good, if they didn't - well, okay. No one thought of the idea of raising children. Some individual families, perhaps, thought, but there was no mass phenomenon to raise children. Children went to some circles, if they had to pay for them and their parents could, then they paid for them. But most of it was free. Parents did not even always know what clubs their children went to.
Today there is a kind of race between parents. "How? Your child does not take integrals yet, he is already four years old! Where are you looking?" The mother comes home, begins to burst into tears, searches the Internet for someone who would teach her children to take integrals ...
“Until 10-11, the child has no problems of his own”
Child psychologist - who needs it more today: the children themselves or the parents who often initiate the referral to a specialist?
Only parents! The fact is that my firm conviction (not even all my colleagues will agree with me), however, I believe that before the age of 10-11, a child does not have his own problems. He only has family problems. That is, any psychological problem that exists in a child up to 10-11 years old, it concerns the family. Accordingly, it is not isolated. And to do something specifically with the child, without touching the family, is almost impossible.
After the age of 11 - yes, when a child enters adolescence, he may have his own problems, his problems as a person. They may be connected with his social contacts, with his relationships somewhere outside the family. And before that, it is always a problem that is solved (if it is solved) through the family.
“The first existential crisis forms the question: “Mom, are you going to die?”
In your articles, you mention the age crises that children face. Do all children experience them? Do I need to explain to the child what it is?
Yes, of course, all children, moreover, all adults are experiencing age-related crises. That is, we have stable periods of development... This has nothing to do with childhood, it has to do with ontogeny. Ontogeny is from conception to death. So, everyone is going through all the necessary crises.
You need to tell your child about this! I would have taught it in high school, in high school I would just have taught. How does it work? What crises await you next? You see, some people, let's say, about an existential crisis - forty years, middle life - they write about it, they talk about it.
But about what you yourself had and, accordingly, your child had, somewhere between 4-6 years old - the first existential crisis that forms the question “mom, will you die?”, they don’t talk about it at all . And there is a very high chance that a person will dismiss his child at this moment, and, in fact, an unresolved crisis then has very serious consequences. So I would just teach this as a separate two-month course in high school, say, "Predictable Crises of Human Life."
“Modern children are terribly dull creatures. They are ready to present what they are being forced into"
Is there something that parents are embarrassed to talk to a psychologist about and try to hide? What are the children afraid of?
Most ordinary children do not want to talk to a psychologist at all, especially teenagers, and this is normal. Children today are terribly dull creatures. They come and begin to show, at the slightest request, the knowledge, tutorials, developmental tools that their parents stuffed into them ... It's terribly boring, especially since everyone presents the same knowledge.
I remember one time (they all apparently read the same encyclopedia about dinosaurs) they all came and tried to tell me what dinosaurs are. At some point, I said to another boy very unpedagogically: “You know, if you start listing dinosaurs for me now, I will squeal!” Because it's just impossible...
That is, the children are ready to present what they are fed. Rare teenagers are capable of talking about themselves, about something important. As for adults, it depends on, let's say, the internal locus of control and the external one. People are divided into two equal halves. Some say - I'm bad, I don't see something. And others say - this is a teacher or friends, but he himself is good, kind. It's all passed down from parents to children.
If parents tend to blame the political system, teachers, school curriculum, then the child copies them.
"No specialist understands the child better than the mother"
How can parents understand that they cannot cope with the problem on their own and it is time to seek help from a specialist?
First, duration. If the problem continues and continues. Suppose you have already transferred your child to the second school or to the third kindergarten, and the same situation repeats itself. For example, he cannot find contact, or vice versa, he is superficially sociable and does not build relationships, or the same conflicts with teachers, with adults. The repetition of events means that we have a problem in which we must at least understand what is at stake. Here you need to consult with someone.
Duration means a long time. Let's just say that my child is hysterical, hysterical, well, everyone was somehow hysterical at the age of two, but he is already four and still he falls to the floor. Probably, here we should already try to understand what is happening.
I believe that no specialist knows, understands the child better than the person who is with him throughout his life, that is, the mother. If the mother feels anxiety, it seems that everyone says - “this is usually, this is age-related” - and the mother feels that something is wrong, at this moment you need to go. Trusting your feelings is the right thing to do.
“Such parents should be immediately sent out the door”
- With whom is it more difficult for you to work: with a kindergartener or with a teenager?
You know, I don't work with kindergartners as such. I have such an ideology - they play with toys, I watch what they do. The most difficult thing is with parents who came in advance for confirmation of something. Not only is it difficult to work with them, it is impossible to work with them. In principle, they should be sent right out the door. But I somehow... Professional ethics, I don't do that, but, in general, they can be right out the door.
"There is no right parenting"
Is there a clear distinction between “correct” and “wrong” upbringing in the minds of people today?
If someone exists, then he is wrong to such an extent! There is no right parenting! The world is so diverse... We are not now within the framework of any tradition. We are not a traditional society where "how" was known. And the variations themselves that the world offers us - to feed the child by the hour, to feed when necessary; put the child to sleep with you, put separately; play with him all the time, not play at all; take him with you, leave him…. And I'm just promoting the point of view that there is nothing right, there are some reasonable things, but their variability is such that it is quite difficult to go beyond them.
A person who has a very clear system of beliefs, for example, he knows for sure that you need to raise children according to Dr. Spock (famous American pediatrician, author of the book "The Child and Care for Him" - ed.) he doesn't come to me. What for? He has a book "Classics" where everything is written. If the book is disheveled and the dog ate it, you can look it up on the Internet. Just those people come who are looking for their own, who understand that somehow you need to think for yourself, but do not really understand what to start from.
“We lie with feelings, we lie with words, deeds. This is bad"
What common parenting practices are the most dangerous? What do parents absolutely need to give up so as not to lose the child's trust and contact with him?
There is only one principle, it is absolutely universal. You should try to lie to the child as little as possible. Moreover, to lie with words, feelings, lie with actions, we lie in different ways and notice, I didn’t say - don’t lie at all! It is impossible not to lie at all - we are living people. You should try to lie as little as possible. Consciously. That is, you understand, when a mother shouts to a child in a zoo who is climbing somewhere: “If you don’t stop doing this now, I will never go to the zoo with you at all!”. Do you understand that this is a lie?
When a mother says to a child: “Oh, this is Aunt Sveta calling, tell me that I'm not at home” ... We lie with feelings, we lie with words, deeds. This is bad. It shakes relationships. The less this is, the better the relationship will be, the more the child will respect his parents.
“They paid their son for grades, and then they found that he was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money”
What do you think about such a popular technique as financial stimulation of a child: if you graduate from school with an A, keep your iPhone?
This method usually does not work. That is, it works for a while, but then stops. We must be aware that by doing this, you give the child carte blanche: it is quite possible to buy something within the family for money. This is your signal. For a long time people came to me who once sold grades and forgot about it, and then, to their colossal horror, they discovered that their grown-up son was taking out the pots of a paralyzed grandmother for money. And somehow you can’t blame the boy for this at all ...
Last year, a big scandal erupted in Moscow school No. 57: one of the teachers was accused of having intimate relationships with students. How do you assess this situation? What advice would you give to parents who are suddenly aware that this can happen in schools, and to teenagers who may experience similar things?
It's such a multi-factorial, strange thing that I'm not at all… far from it. But here's what struck me. At some point, someone sent me links, I read a story about how these guys were at some teacher's dacha, completely drunk. And then there this teacher either patted someone on the ass, or didn’t pat, or slept with someone, or didn’t sleep. I was left completely bewildered and didn’t understand at all why it was discussed whether the teacher slept with someone, whether he slapped someone on the ass, and it was not discussed at all that the children at the teacher in the country drank with him.
What to advise parents? Well, I don't know... Sit down and cry. What could be their actions? If they came to the conclusion that this can happen in any school, and did not teach the child to distinguish good from evil ... Probably sit down and cry.
You know, I remember very well our first port wine in the alley, I perfectly remember our interactions, including falling in love with teachers and even our teacher's interest in our boys. But the system itself meant that it would be separate. That is, we, the students, will drink port wine separately in the gateway, and some amorous, semi-platonic things will be separate.
"Teenagers are vulnerable, disgusting, they annoy everyone and walk on the edge"
Some time ago, the topic of teenage suicides began to be discussed with renewed vigor in the media. Do you think this problem is getting worse? Are there any ways to deal with this phenomenon?
No, it doesn't. It becomes more "fried". She is being prepared. And, by the way, the only sensible statement about this 57th school is not how it was there, it's awry, but the way it is prepared is disgusting!
But the problem was, is and will be. Because teenagers are very vulnerable physically, existentially. They are disgusting, they annoy everyone, they annoy themselves first. They walk on the edge. And, thank God, most of this region passes, and enters adulthood. But someone breaks off this edge - it has always been like that. And the more complex the society, the higher its information transparency, its saturation, the higher the risks. And we can't do anything about it. We cannot make it as wooden as it was once traditional. We can't play back.
And today, from any extraordinary event - "the teacher slept with the student, the girls jumped from somewhere" - they make a fried pan. It's disgusting.
There was such a story in the Middle Ages. In one city, an epidemic of girl suicides began. Very young girls who had not yet married committed suicide, and before that very young girls got married, so they were teenagers. They ended up with themselves in different ways, then everyone wept and the girl was buried in a white dress, and even the coffin was carried around the city, strewn with white flowers. And then there were few spectacles: executions, funerals, weddings ... And it turned into an epidemic. And the mayor of the city solved this problem - he forbade them to be buried like this, to wear them around the city, to wear white dresses and announced this officially. And the suicides stopped. Teenagers - what can you take from them! This is a historical fact. Somewhere in the chronicles.
“You can be anyone, but by the age of four your child will acquire at least some kind of worldview”
In recent years, a lot of laws have been adopted, designed, according to the official version, to protect children from dangerous influence and “harmful information”. How do you rate these steps? And what can a parent who is concerned about these things do for their children?
I believe that children should be protected from some kind of negative influence. True, I'm not sure that the state should do this in the current situation. Still, our state is quite secular, we are not some kind of religious republic. Children need to be protected, that's true. But the choice of what and how to do it is the focus in the current situation - at the present stage of the development of civilization - a family, maybe a school ... The state is trying something, but I don’t think it’s effective.
And to parents, I usually say: you can be anything, but by the age of four, your child will acquire at least some kind of worldview.
If, for example, I adhere to the Christian worldview, then I have answers to some questions. I understand what is good and what is bad. As an Orthodox Christian, I tell my child how I see the world. By adolescence, a child has this - he may or may not agree with this, but he knows that there is such a system.
Therefore, advice to parents who want to teach their child to distinguish between good and evil - first learn for yourself! Be aware of who you are and how, from your point of view, the world works.
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