Conflicts between parents and children. Workshop for parents "Positive ways to resolve conflict situations between parents and children

The conflict between parents and children again comes into our lives, already within the family, built by our own hands. How to break this vicious circle, firmly established in a whole series of generations? How, finally, to get rid of bad conditions and stop passing them on to your children?

The conflict of parents and children can deprive any family of peace and even destroy relationships for many years. A child who grew up in an atmosphere of constant conflict, becoming an adult, often moves away from his parents. Having finally received the long-awaited freedom, he does not seek to maintain relations with his parental family, perceiving it as the source of his many years of suffering. How to solve and even prevent the occurrence of conflicts and misunderstandings between generations is explained by the Systemic Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan. Through a deeper understanding of oneself and the reasons for the actions of loved ones.

How to run away from yourself

Alas, the attitudes laid down in childhood become a part of ourselves, our psyche. Therefore, we simply cannot “escape” from the problem by moving away from our parents. We continue to bear this damage within ourselves, in our own soul.

Today, probably, everyone has heard that "all problems come from childhood." Indeed, the psychological “traumas” and “anchors” acquired by us in childhood, in a sense, do not allow us to truly grow. Unleash and fully realize your potential abilities and talents. Build happy couple relationships and become successful parents yourself.

This creates a vicious circle. The conflict between parents and children again comes into our lives, already within the family, built by our own hands. How to break this vicious circle, firmly established in a whole series of generations? How, finally, to get rid of bad conditions and stop passing them on to your children?

Start with yourself

To disassemble the accumulated pile of mutual claims between representatives of different generations, you need to find some initial foothold. And the easiest way to find it is within yourself.

Why did such an act of my mother cause a certain reaction in me (resentment, anger, anger)? Why do certain features or habits in my own child irritate me? The answers to any such questions lie in the structure of the human psyche.

Genetics - not "pseudo-science"? Who am I anyway?

Genetically, by inheritance, we can only get external signs from our parents: the color of the eyes or the shape of the nose. But the psyche of each person is arranged in its own way. It is based, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, on eight vectors, or eight basic elements of the psyche.

Each of them gives a person a certain set of innate characteristics, properties and desires. Each person has their own set of vectors. And according to the properties of our psyche, we can radically differ from our parents, just like our children from us.

All conflicts between parents and children are based primarily on the lack of necessary psychological knowledge. We do not know ourselves and we do not know our own children. A systematic perception of the world and people around helps us get rid of this psychological blindness and, finally, see ourselves and others as we really are.

Parents and Children: Vector Conflicts

Here we have a slow, unhurried baby. Sbitenky and strong, slightly clubfoot. He is slowly fiddling, putting his toys in their places. Slowly dressed and going to the garden. To carefully complete his affairs, this kid, who, according to Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology, needs more time than the rest.

On the threshold of impatience, his nimble mother is already jumping up and down. “How long are you going to keep messing around? How can? We'll be late again because of you! Well, you and I have a brake, can’t you get ready quickly? ”

Of course, without systemic knowledge, a skin mother cannot understand her baby. Her psyche is exactly the opposite: she is mobile and agile, fast and active. Appreciates time, does not tolerate delays.

Mistakes are costly

Alas, ignorance of the laws of the structure of the psyche does not at all free us from the negative consequences of erroneous upbringing.

For example, it is not at all by chance that an anal child is given such slowness and thoroughness by nature. This is the owner of an analytical mind, it is important for him that everything be carefully and “on the shelves”. He is committed to quality. If you give such a child enough time, he will grow into an excellent scientist, analyst, teacher, critic. And at school age, he will certainly be the best student in the class, because to accumulate knowledge is his natural desire.

When an anal child is interrupted and rushed, his psyche is unable to develop adequately. The negative consequences in this case can be:

- stubbornness and negativism both in everyday matters and in educational

- constipation (as a result of the fact that mom pushes, "tears off the pot")

- the desire not for constructive criticism, but to humiliate and devalue the actions of other people

- Aggression and self-aggression, both physical and verbal

- stuttering (in case of constant interruption of the child's actions and speech when he is trying to talk about something)

- Digestive problems or heart rhythm disturbances.

Family is a complex system of different people

This is just one elementary example from the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, which clearly demonstrates the consequences of our psychological illiteracy. In fact, on a family scale, the situation is much more complicated.

There is not only parental conflict with the child. Relationships in a couple are also built on the basis of mutual misunderstanding. This leads to the fact that our children grow up in an atmosphere of quarrels and endless claims.

Brothers and sisters also rarely manage to learn how to build favorable relationships with each other: in this situation, conflicts between children are almost inevitable.

Manageable conflict: children and parents can understand each other

Thanks to the systemic perception of people, we become able to see each other as we are.

First of all, it gives us the opportunity to completely reconsider our own childhood psychotrauma, resentment against our parents, our claims to them. This is of tremendous importance.

The fact is that, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, the custom of honoring father and mother arose in culture and various religions by no means by chance. From parents we accept life itself as such. And when in our hearts we reject our parents (perhaps they were unfair or even cruel to us), then unconsciously, along with this, we reject life itself. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to live it joyfully and happily.

At the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, we get an awareness of all the reasons why our parents manifested themselves in one way or another. This helps us free our hearts from claims and resentments against them.

This does not mean at all that you will take into your home an alcoholic father who left you in early childhood and did not show up in your life for several decades. We have the right to protect ourselves from the real harm that other people bear, even if it is our parents.

But understanding the reasons for their actions, their motives, helps you free yourself from any negative consequences. The psyche throws off that unbearable burden that burdened you with a heavy burden for many years. And you become able to realize yourself as much as possible in life and receive joy and pleasure from it.

To be happy is to raise happy

On the other hand, we get the opportunity to finally see our own children with a clear eye. To understand in detail the peculiarities of their psyche, to get the optimal model of education. Our pair relationships also reach a completely different level of mutual understanding and intimacy. Inter-family conflicts between children are leveled.

Thanks to systemic perception, the family receives a complete recovery. This is evidenced by those who have undergone training.

Build happy relationships between generations through the acquisition of a systematic view of the world. Register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

Master Class

In the case of any conflict, it is quite clear that for the successful life and development of the personality of all participants in the conflict, it must be effectively resolved.

This dictates an urgent need to identify the causes of conflict in child-parent relationships and eliminate them. Without this, it is impossible to effectively resolve the conflict, i.e. prevent it from happening again. Practice shows that these reasons can be very different, since conflicts between parents and children can arise under the influence of a number of psychological factors.

An analysis of the psychological and pedagogical literature on the problem under consideration allows us to draw the following conclusion. Psychologists identify a number of psychological factors (causes) of conflicts in the relationship between parents and children.

First, the causes of conflicts between parents and children includetype of family relationship. Allocate harmonious and disharmonioustypes of family relationships. IN harmonious a moving balance is established in the family, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family “We”, the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

It is quite clear thatfamily disharmony- this is the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological tension in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

Secondly, the causes or factors of conflicts between parents and children includedestructiveness of family education. His features are usually are the following characteristics:

• disagreements of family members on issues of education;
• inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
• guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;
• increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations.

These features are expressed in a variety of mistakes in education. The most common classification of deviations in the styles of family education in our country is the classification of A. E. Lichko and E. G. Eidemiller. The authors identified the following deviations in the styles of family education.

1. Hypoprotection: lack of guardianship and control over behavior, sometimes reaching complete neglect;
2. Dominant overprotection:heightened attention and care for a teenager is combined with petty control, an abundance of restrictions and prohibitions;
3. Education according to the type of "family idol";
4. emotional rejection;
5. Increased moral requirements;
6. Unpredictable emotional reactions;
7. Cruelty;
8. Contradictory upbringing.

The listed mistakes of upbringing within the family lead to a variety of upbringing problems, such as:

1. anxiety, fears in a child;
2. high level of aggressiveness of the child;
3. low adaptation to the peer group;
4. low adaptation to school requirements;
5. negativism of one or both parents;
6. systematic violations of the rules and norms of behavior.

Of course, these problems are accompanied by conflicts. At the same time, conflicts can be explicit or hidden (latent) in nature. These problems entail the emergence of another factor of conflicts between parents and children -personal factor, since among the personal characteristics of children that contribute to the emergence of conflicts, called such as poor academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc.

Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (drinking alcohol, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc.

In fairness, it should be noted that stubbornness and self-centeredness, disobedience can be causedage crisis- another cause of parent-child conflicts.

age crisis- the transition period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness.

Child psychologists distinguish the followingage crises of children:

1. crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);
2. crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
3. crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
4. crisis of puberty - sexual maturation (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years old);
5. teenage crisis 15-17 years.

As practice shows, most often conflicts in parents arise with adolescent children. Psychologists distinguish the following types of conflicts between teenagers and parents:

• conflict of instability of the parental relationship (constant change in the criteria for evaluating the child);
• conflict of overcare (excessive guardianship and overexpectations);
• conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);
• conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own in the conflict at any cost).

Usually the child responds to the claims and conflict actions of the parents with suchreactions (strategies), how:

• reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
• refusal reaction (disobedience to the requirements of parents);
• isolation reaction (desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, concealment of information and actions).

From the foregoing, the following conclusion can be drawn. The causes of parent-child conflicts are mutual mistakes in relationships. The question arises: how to avoid them? In other words, how to reduce the conflict of parent-child relationships.

Child-Parent Conflicts: Prevention

Psychologists call the following four directions the main directions of prevention of conflicts between parents and children.

1. Increasing the pedagogical culture of parents, which allows taking into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.

2. Family organization on a collective basis. Common perspectives, certain job responsibilities, traditions of mutual assistance, shared hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving emerging contradictions.

3. Reinforcement of verbal requirements by the circumstances of the educational process.

4. Interest in the inner world of children, their worries and hobbies.

These directions should be implemented in conjunction with each other. Only the combination of these areas can lead to an effective reduction in the conflict of relations.

In general, the following can be recommended to parents to reduce conflict in relations with a child:

• always remember the individuality of the child;
• take into account that each new situation requires a new solution;
• try to understand the requirements of a small child;
• remember that change takes time;
• perceive contradictions as factors of normal development;
• show constancy in relation to the child;
• often offer a choice of several alternatives; to approve different variants of constructive behavior;
• jointly seek a way out by changing the situation; decrease the number of "not allowed" and increase the number of "possible";
• apply punishments in a limited way, while respecting their justice and necessity;
• to give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds;
• logically explain the possibility of negative consequences; expand the range of moral rather than material incentives;
• take into account the ease of switching attention in young children.

Conclusion

Let's sum up some of the above...

Of course, like any impact on a person, family education can be both positive and negative.

Increased conflict in parent-child relationships is one of the aspects of the negative impact of family upbringing, the specificity of which is determined by the very nature of the family as a group of people who have blood ties with each other. At the same time, the priority role in resolving conflicts with the child is given to the parent.

The conflicts themselves between parents and children, most often, arise due to: the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence (for example, emotional rejection), the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent. If we talk about the prevention of conflicts within the framework of the "child-parent" relationship, then in general it should be aimed at leveling mutual mistakes in the interaction between the child and the parent.

Bibliography

1. Andreeva T. V. Family psychology: Proc. allowance. - St. Petersburg, 2004.

2. Antsupov A. Ya., Shipilov. AI Conflictology: Textbook for universities. - 2nd ed. revised and additional - M., 2002.

3. Glossary of developmental and developmental psychology / Comp. O. A. Rudey. - Yekaterinburg, 2004.

4. Davletchina S.B. Conflictology. Textbook for an elective course for students of correspondence courses. - Ulan-Ude, 2005.

5. Malkina-Pykh I. G. Family therapy. - M., 2005.

6. Nemov R. S. Psychology: Dictionary-reference book: At 2 hours - M., 2003. - Part 1.

7. Sokolova E.A. The influence of interpersonal conflict on the effectiveness of the interaction of a teacher with a team of high school students: Dis ... cand. psychol. Sciences. - M., 1992.

8. Schneider L.B. Family psychology: Textbook for universities / L.B. Schneider. – Ed. 3rd. – M.; Yekaterinburg, 2007.

INTRODUCTION…………………………………………………………………………..3

1 CHILD-PARENT CONFLICTS AS A PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PEDAGOGICAL PROBLEM…………………………………………………...6
1.1 The essence and structure of the conflict ………………………………………...………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
1.2 Child-parent conflicts in the family …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
1.3 Causes of conflicts in parent-child relationships…………….......13
Conclusions……………………………………………………………………………...16
2 METHODS AND RECOMMENDATIONS FOR RESOLUTION OF CHILD-PARENT CONFLICTS……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
2.1 Methods for resolving parent-child conflicts……………………..17
2.3 Recommendations for resolving parent-child conflicts…………….23
Conclusions……………………………………………………………………………...25
CONCLUSION……………………………………………………………………….26
LIST OF USED SOURCES…………………………….27

INTRODUCTION

The relevance of the study lies in the fact that the family acts as an important factor in the development of the individual. The family is a social group of different ages: it has representatives of two, three, and sometimes four generations. And this means that different value orientations, different criteria for evaluating life phenomena, ideals, points of view, beliefs that influence the formation of family traditions are possible in the family.
The problem of parent-child conflicts and their influence on the development of a child's personality is one of the key problems in modern family psychology and psychotherapy. The family is the most important of the phenomena that accompanies a person throughout his life. The significance of its influence on the personality, its complexity, versatility and problematic nature determine a large number of different approaches to the study of the family, as well as definitions found in the scientific literature.
Conflict is such an interaction between people, which is characterized by the emergence and clash of contradictions in their relations. It is present only when there is mutual opposition of the parties participating in it, accompanied by the highest degree of expression of the intra- and interpersonal tension of their experiences. In other cases, either the resolution of the conflict situation occurs, or the conflict is avoided. It is also associated with the deterioration of relationships, the loss of mutual understanding and trust between people. Lowering the socio-psychological climate in the group (collective) and in society as a whole.
The conflict situation is characterized by the presence of a contradiction in the interests and needs of the parties, which, however, may not be recognized for a long time. It reflects the totality of the causes and conditions that precede the conflict and cause it. In the sphere of parent-child relations, the factor of relations between spouses raising children plays an important role. Often, conflicts between parents also affect the well-being of children. The constant dissatisfaction of the spouses with each other, problems in the sphere of intimate relationships, affect their attitude towards the child, and the child, in turn, feels disharmony and his behavior becomes very conflicting.
Child-parent relationships are the environment that determines the mental development of the child and determines the formation of his personality. The influence of parents on the child is largely associated with educational influences on him, and ideas about the child are the internal (indicative) basis of education. The role of the family in shaping the social situation of development unique for each child is well known. The style of family education, determined by parental value orientations, attitudes, emotional attitude towards the child, the peculiarity of the perception of the child by the parent and ways of behaving with him, is a significant factor in the development of the child's personality.
The family can act as both a positive and a negative factor in upbringing. The positive impact on the personality of the child is that no one, except for the people closest to him in the family - mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, treats the child better, does not love him and does not care so much about him. And at the same time, no other social institution can potentially do as much harm in raising children as a family can.
The favorable climate of the family is strongly influenced by intra-family communication. It is very specific. This determines, first of all, the multidimensionality of family relations (economic, ideological, psychological, sexual, moral and related), their naturalness, constancy, cordiality, deep intimacy, mutual interest, focus on ensuring all aspects of the life of family members; the diversity of family ties with the environment; the nature of the impact on the family environment; the peculiarity of the perception of these influences by the family. Therefore, communication has a comprehensive impact on family life. Naturally, family members communicate most actively during leisure hours.
The favorable psychological climate of the family leads to the fact that jointly created spiritual values ​​become the most attractive for each of its members, and the prestige of material goods, although remains high, is relegated to the background. Of course, the everyday disorder of the family often, interacting with other unfavorable conditions, provokes the unfavorability of its psychological climate. However, many families with high everyday comfort, with an impoverished spiritual life, experience psychological discomfort.
The unfavorable psychological climate of the family leads to depression, quarrels, mental tension, and a lack of positive emotions. If family members do not strive to change this situation for the better, then the very existence of the family becomes problematic.
Authors dealing with the problem of parent-child conflicts (R.V. Bortov, Yu.B. Gippenreiter, I.A. Loginova, L.G. Matveeva, O.V. Perelomova, O.E. Smirnova, M.V. Bykova and others), assign an important role to the early experience of raising a child in a specific cultural environment, family traditions and the emotional background of the relationship of parents to the child.
The purpose of the course work: to determine the features of parent-child conflicts and methods for their resolution.
Objectives of the course work:
1. To study parent-child conflicts as a psychological and pedagogical problem.
2. Determine the causes of conflicts in parent-child relationships.
3. Determine methods for resolving parent-child conflicts.
The object of the course work: parent-child conflicts.
Subject of the course work: features of parent-child conflicts and methods of their resolution.
Course work methods: analysis of literary sources, bibliographic method, analysis and generalization of theoretical ideas on the research problem.
The structure and scope of the course work consists of an introduction, two chapters, a conclusion and a list of sources and applications used. The volume of the course work is 27 pages.

1 CHILD-PARENT CONFLICTS AS A PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PEDAGOGICAL PROBLEM

1.1 The essence and structure of the conflict

Conflict is a social phenomenon generated by the very nature of social life. It directly expresses certain aspects of social life, the place and role of a person in it.
Social ties inherent in society as a complex system and an integral entity are stable and reproduced in the historical process, passing from one generation of people to another. They are real, because they are carried out with joint activities at a certain time and to achieve specific goals. These connections and relationships are established not at someone's whim, but objectively, under the influence of the conditions in which a person exists, performs actions, and creates.
Moreover, society is not a simple collection of individuals and their relationships. Representing an integral system with its characteristic qualitative state, it is primary in relation to the individual. Each individual, being born, finds a formalized structure of previously established connections and, as he socializes, is included in it, assimilates the knowledge and values ​​\u200b\u200bthat have become accessible to people by that time, the determined norms of behavior.
It should also be taken into account that the most important thing for a person is belonging to a community of his own kind. Since ancient times, the circumstances of human life have developed in such a way that cooperation with other people was intended for him. At the same time, in the process of interaction between individuals and the complication of social ties at a certain stage of social development, in mutual relations, along with cooperation, rivalry, competition, psychological incompatibility, opposition of interests and choice of means to achieve goals began to appear. The aggravation of such contradictions, their escalation, ultimately led to active confrontation, conflicts.
It is legitimate to consider that interpersonal conflict is one of the ways of interaction between human beings that go back thousands of years. It seems to have spread before the intrapersonal conflict, since the relationship between individuals preceded the communication of the individual with himself, his auto-communication. The purpose of the conflict was and is to overcome excessively aggravated contradictions, to find the optimal way out of the confrontation that has arisen, to maintain the interaction of subjects of social relations in the face of a serious divergence of their interests, assessments, and goals.
It is not for nothing that the observance of the “golden rule” worked out over many centuries, according to which a person in relations with other people must show loyalty, disposition, tolerance and goodwill, be fair, friendly, respectful and polite, i.e. build your communication with others on such a benevolent basis as mutual trust, reliability in words and deeds. Any relationship, both business and purely personal, is effective only with the compliance and restraint of the parties, honest partnership, mutual desire to resolve disagreements and conflicts, if they occur.
It should be, but it doesn't always happen in reality. In real life, any person, every human community is faced with difficult to resolve problems, various kinds of restrictions. A person in the process of interacting with other subjects shows his inherent attitude towards partners, which always leaves its mark on the nature of communication and social ties, can give rise to contradictions and tension, intransigence and hostility, and deform direct contacts. To this should be added deviant, so-called deviant behavior: drunkenness, drug addiction, offenses, extremism, etc. Deviant from the norm can be characterized not only by negative, on the verge of vicious behavior.
The conflict should be perceived as a completely normal social phenomenon, a property of social systems, a process and a way of human interaction. Like a person, society by its very nature cannot be absolutely perfect, ideal, conflict-free. Disharmony, contradictions, conflicts are constant and inevitable components of social development.
Conflict is a conscious phenomenon, a deliberate action. Consciousness in its individual and social forms is a collection of ideas and attitudes, feelings, habits and mores. It covers all the wealth of spiritual culture - that "second nature" that was created by people.
The presence of a conscious principle fundamentally distinguishes society from natural nature, the material world as a whole. Indeed, nature exists outside and independently of consciousness. Matter is primary, and consciousness is secondary, since matter precedes consciousness, which arises much later, being a property of a highly organized matter in a special way - the brain. Society, on the other hand, is something else; in it, one can speak about the secondary nature of consciousness only conditionally, since social being is created by people who already have consciousness. Therefore, everything in society, including conflicts, is not done with a strict, objectively determined predetermination, but with people's awareness of their actions, the possibility of their subjective adjustment.
The conflict appears as an awareness at the level of an individual, a social group or a wider community of the inconsistency of the process of interaction and relationships, differences, and even incompatibility of interests, value assessments and goals, as a meaningful confrontation.
The next feature: conflict is a widespread, ubiquitous, ubiquitous phenomenon. Conflict situations arise in all spheres of public life - be it economics, politics, everyday life, culture or ideology. They are inevitable as an integral component of the development of society and the individual himself.
Conflict-freeness is an illusion, a utopia, and even less good. Conflicts, like any social contradictions, are a form of real social ties that just express the interaction of individuals, the relationship of social groups and communities in case of mismatch, incompatibility of their needs, motives and roles.
It is very significant that a conflict is an interaction that takes the form of confrontation, clash, confrontation of individuals or social forces, interests, views, positions of at least two sides. The counteraction of the parties is present not only in interpersonal and intergroup conflicts, but also in the process of a person’s auto-communication, in his communication with himself, self-organization and self-programming.
And one more important feature, which is expressed in the fact that conflict is a predictable phenomenon subject to regulation. This can be explained by the very nature of the emergence of conflict clashes, the forms of interaction between the parties involved in them, and the interest in the outcome and consequences of the confrontation.
Firstly, conflict interaction is distinguished by the fact that the confrontation in it of representatives of diverging interests and goals serves as a link for them at the same time.
Secondly, any participant in a conflict confrontation, one way or another, must argue his position, justify claims and mobilize forces to implement his demands.
The structure of the conflict includes the totality of all stable connections and all parts, elements and relations that develop between them, which act as factors of its integrity. The structure of the conflict includes the following main elements: subject, object, participants, social micro and macro environment, acting as a condition of the conflict, subjective perception of the conflict, its personal elements, as well as psychological components.
The subject of the conflict is the contradiction that is its basis. The struggle that is present in the conflict and is its important characteristic is aimed at resolving the contradiction. Until the resolution of the contradiction, there is a problem of conflict, which can be objective or imaginary, and it is this problem that underlies the conflict itself.
The object of conflict is something that arises from the need to satisfy a need and can satisfy it. The objects of the conflict may include material, spiritual, social values. These values, in order to become an object of conflict, must be in the field of intersection of personal, group, public or state interests of subjects whose goal is to seek control over them. The claims of one of the parties to a particular object are a condition for the emergence of a conflict.
Participants in a conflict are an integral and essential part of its structure; they are present in any social conflict. Participants can be various subjects of the social field: individual individuals, small and large social groups, organizations, states. The participants in the conflict are the opposing parties. The participants in the conflict determine its essence. So, depending on who are the participants in this conflict, an interpersonal conflict is distinguished, where the opposing parties are different parts, an aspect of the personality of one person; conflict between two individuals (colleagues, members of the same family, etc.); conflict "person - group", the conflict between two groups - both small and large.
Participants in the conflict can be private, official and legal persons. The entire set of participants in the conflict can be divided into main (main) and secondary (support group, other participants) according to the degree of their participation in the conflict interaction.
Thus, conflict is a normal manifestation of social ties and relations between people, a way of interaction in the event of a clash of incompatible views, positions and interests, a confrontation between two or more parties that are interconnected but pursue their own goals. Consequently, the main task is to give the conflict, if possible, a functionally positive character, to minimize the inevitable damage from its negative consequences.
1.2 Child-parent conflicts in the family

The family in its synchronous functioning is a system that is in some balance due to the established connections. However, this balance itself is mobile, living, changing and renewing. A change in the social situation, the development of a family or one of its members entails a change in the entire system of intra-family relations and creates conditions for the emergence of new opportunities for building relationships, sometimes diametrically opposed.
Successful life together requires special abilities from each of its participants. Any interaction in the family requires a minimum of some general ideas, a minimum of consent. In marriage, as in any other small social group, a fundamentally new form of behavior arises, which can be called cooperative. This joint activity is diverse, so the person who is included in it must have certain abilities, skills, abilities.
Relationships between people in the family of all human relationships are the deepest and most durable. They include four main types of relationships: psychophysiological, psychological, social and cultural. Psychophysiological - this is the relationship of biological kinship and sexual relations. Psychological ones include openness, trust, caring for each other, mutual moral and emotional support. Social relations contain the distribution of roles, material dependence in the family, as well as status relations: authority, leadership, subordination, etc. Cultural relations are a special kind of intra-family ties and relationships due to traditions, customs that have developed in a particular culture within which this family originated and exists. All this complex system of relationships has an impact on family education of children. Within each type of relationship, both agreement and disagreement can exist, which positively or negatively affect education.
Child-parent conflicts are one of the most common categories of conflict in modern times. This type of conflict is present even in prosperous families and is a contradiction in the relationship between children and parents.
Parents should be aware that in each age period, children are prone to certain conflicts. First of all, this applies to children who are brought up in an incomplete family or with normal relationships between parents. The despotism of the father, who ignores the interests of all family members, the lack of spiritual warmth or hostility of parents to each other create favorable conditions for the development of neuroses in children. Conflict can not only intensify, but also lead to the development of pathocharacterological reactions, neuroses, the formation of psychopathic development on the basis of accentuated traits, if parents underestimate the specific character of children.
Conflicts between parents and children can also be for reasons of mutual wrong. The pedagogical failure of parents, cruel, barbaric methods of education, or excessive spoilage of children can lead to complete mutual alienation, hostility between children and parents.
Often, the life aspirations of children can cause conflicts in the family, and justified grief of parents causes one-sided hobbies of children to the detriment of learning, the appearance of harmful inclinations to smoking, drinking, and drugs. And although parents are right, neither their children are usually convinced that it is not their parents who are right, but they themselves know better how to live. It is important for parents to understand the motives of the aspirations of children, showing enough respect for their arguments and arguments, convincingly revealing their own arguments.
Especially often there are conflicts between parents and children of adolescence. The fact is that in this “transitional period” significant physiological and psychological changes occur in the body. The most common psychological features at this age are emotional instability, a combination of conflicting properties and aspirations.
Building relationships not on the basis of equality, independence and trust, but on the basis of mutual subordination turn into a conflict. Parents for too long and stubbornly continue to perceive a teenager as a creature incapable of independent decisions and dependent on them even in small things. As soon as that stops, the conflict recedes into the background, the relationship becomes closer and more trusting.
The situation is not so rare when parents persistently try to raise their children, wanting to realize some of their expectations with their help, reasoning according to the principle: “Well, okay, I didn’t turn out to be a singer, but I’ll make my son a musician!” Often this is accompanied by a kind of sacrificial position of the parent: they say, I live for the sake of the child and will do everything for him that I think is necessary, no matter if he wants it or not. This usually leads to conflict, because the child feels very well that they do not see him as an independent person with his own goals and dreams, but try to force him to live someone else's life. Naturally, this causes protest from grown children.
Such a conflict is typical not only for those families where parents failed to realize their plans and dreams, but not infrequently for those where parents managed to achieve a lot, acquire a significant status in society. Such parents usually have high expectations for the child, expect that he will "catch up and overtake" them.
To achieve educational goals in the family, parents turn to a variety of means of influence: they encourage and punish the child, they strive to become a model for him. The praise of parents with whom the child is on friendly terms is usually more effective than that received from cold and indifferent parents. As a result of the reasonable use of incentives, the development of children as individuals can be accelerated, made more successful than with the use of prohibitions and punishments.
Family education is purposeful, conscious educational influences carried out by parents in order to form certain qualities and skills. Educational influences are carried out on the basis of a reinforcement mechanism - encouraging behavior that adults consider correct, and punishing violation of established rules, parents introduce a certain system of norms into the child's mind, compliance with which gradually becomes a habit and internal need for the child; identification mechanism - the child imitates parents, focuses on their example, tries to become the same. .
In addition to conscious, purposeful upbringing carried out by parents, the whole family atmosphere, family conditions affect the child: social status, occupation, material level, level of education, value orientations of family members. Therefore, any deformation of the parental family leads to conflict situations within the family.
Thus, in a conflict situation, the actual needs of family members may be blocked, which, in turn, may cause a symptom to appear in one of them - most often in a child. The latter becomes the carrier of a symptom that allows maintaining old, established relationships between family members.

1.3 Causes of conflicts in parent-child relationships

Family relationships are viewed through the prism of the child's perception of the world around him. The behavior of the child and his personal characteristics are determined not only by the real conditions of family life, but also by their perception, the degree of internal activity of the child.
Conflicts and various kinds of problems can be seen in every family. But, even despite all the difficulties, in some families, a peaceful life is generally maintained. But parents and children in other families constantly quarrel over trifles and not only. Child-parent relationships, on the one hand, act as regulators of the behavior of their participants, and on the other hand, mediate the development of the child's personality. These relationships are manifested in a system of various feelings, experiences, communication style of parents and children, behavioral stereotypes practiced in this communication.
Numerous studies of child-parent relationships (L.S. Vygotsky, L.I. Bozhovich, S. Hall, etc.) emphasize its critical, transitional nature, when the child’s former relationship to himself, to others and to the world is broken and rebuilt generally. These cardinal changes give rise to the inevitable conflicts of the developing personality, both with other people and with oneself.
Domestic psychologists (G.A. Shevchuk, A.S. Shevchuk, O.V. Nakonechnaya) identify three types of psychological determinants of conflict in parent-child relationships. These are determinants associated with psychophysiological features of development (features of the nervous system); actually psychological determinants - personality traits (level of self-esteem, accentuation of character); social determinants - factors of micro- and macroenvironment.
The causes of conflicts between children and parents have age-related dynamics, reflecting the formation of the leading needs of each age age: in younger children, conflicts related to learning (decrease in academic performance and a decrease in interest in learning) prevail, in older children, the most common cause of conflicts with parents is “a mismatch of views on life ”, unwillingness to accept the point of view of parents.
The real causes of the conflict are sometimes difficult to detect due to various psychological factors. First, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the Self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular relationship causality.
In conflict, no doubt, there is a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach a new level of relations, constructively overcome the crisis and gain new life opportunities.
O.E. Smirnova identifies several types of family conflicts that parents may encounter in the process of raising children. And do not assume that the older your child becomes, the more often various quarrels may arise. In fact, conflicts with children begin at any age.
1. Type of intra-family relations. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. In a harmonious family, a moving balance is established, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.
One of the approaches to the definition of a problem family is the work of the famous Russian psychologist A. Spivakovskaya. She identifies special types of so-called "disharmonious family unions", emphasizing that the difficulty of finding marital and parental harmony lies in the fact that each of the psychological patterns that determine marital and parental behavior contains internal conflict and contradiction.
2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features of destructive types of education are distinguished:
disagreements of family members on issues of education;
inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;
increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations.
D.N. Isaev studied families that included a physically or mentally handicapped person (and this could be both a child and a parent). The author emphasizes that physical and mental inferiority can have an adverse effect both on the general well-being of the family and on the entire system of relationships as a whole.
3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. D.V. Elkonin identifies the following age-related crises of children:
crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);
crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
puberty crisis (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years old);
teenage crisis 15-17 years.
4. Personal factor. Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, they distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodox beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as the result of mistakes of parents and children.
Increased conflict in parent-child relationships is one of the aspects of the negative impact of family upbringing, the specificity of which is determined by the very nature of the family as a group of people who have blood ties with each other. At the same time, the priority role in resolving conflicts with the child is given to the parent.
Thus, conflicts between parents and children often arise due to the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence, the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent.

Thus, having studied parent-child conflicts as a psychological and pedagogical problem, we can draw the following conclusions:
1. Conflict is a normal manifestation of social ties and relations between people, a way of interaction in the event of a clash of incompatible views, positions and interests, a confrontation between two or more parties that are interconnected but pursue their own goals. Consequently, the main task is to give the conflict, if possible, a functionally positive character, to minimize the inevitable damage from its negative consequences.
2. In a conflict situation, the actual needs of family members may be blocked, which, in turn, may cause a symptom to appear in one of them - most often in a child. The latter becomes the carrier of a symptom that allows maintaining old, established relationships between family members.
3. Conflicts between parents and children often arise due to the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various mistakes in educational influence, the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent.

2.1 Methods for resolving parent-child conflicts

Psychologists have developed many recommendations for normalizing parent-child relationships and preventing disputes from developing into conflicts.
The most important technique for optimizing relationships with a child is active listening. Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feelings. Listening to a child:
1) Turn around to face him. Make sure that your eyes and the eyes of the child are on the same level - this will provide a sense of trust, create optimal conditions for psychological contact.
2) Do not ask questions (especially if the child is upset), it is better to talk in the affirmative. This is important because a phrase constructed as a question does not express sympathy.
3) In a conversation, "keep a pause." After each remark, the parent needs to be silent for a while. Time now belongs to the child. The pause helps the child sort out his feelings and at the same time makes the child feel more fully that the parent is nearby.
4) Sometimes it is useful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feeling.
Active listening conversation is unusual in our culture, but it can achieve the following results:
a) the negative experience of the child disappears or is greatly weakened;
b) the child is convinced that the adult is ready to listen to him, and begins to talk about himself even more;
c) true trust is established between the child and parents;
d) the child himself advances in solving his problem, which means that he becomes more independent, mature, adapted;
e) the child learns to actively listen to his loved ones;
f) parents begin to understand their child better.
The most optimal result of conflict resolution is finding a compromise between the desires and needs of the parents and the desires and needs of the child. It is quite easy to achieve such a result.
V.V. Stolin offers a step-by-step model for resolving a conflict situation.
1) Clarification of the conflict situation. First, the parent listens to the child, clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult, etc. The parent talks about his desire or his problem, about how he sees the situation, what suits him in it, and what he does not like about the situation.
2) The way of proposals. The stage begins with the question: “How should we be?”. After that, you must definitely wait and give the child the opportunity to be the first to express their problems. At first, proposals are simply typed, without criticism and analysis. Then the parents offer their views on this matter.
3) Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most optimal one. At this stage, proposals are discussed. The previous steps have already helped to create an atmosphere of trust, cooperation, readiness for discussion. It is important not to destroy this atmosphere with unnecessarily harsh criticism or authoritarianism.
4) Detailing the decision made. It is necessary to determine how the solution will be implemented in real life.
5) Implementation of the decision, verification. The implementation of the decision is carried out by all family members. If a child has ever failed to fulfill his obligations, do not criticize and condemn him; it’s better to just ask how he is doing, whether it works out; then the child himself will tell about the failures and he will ask for your help. At the same time, parental authority does not suffer, because authority is not authoritarian pressure on the child and the unshakable primacy of the parent in all matters. Authority is a person whose influence on the actions of others is based on the recognition and respect of those around him for his opinions, his personal qualities, competence, justice, flexibility.
Thus, conflict resolution implies such an organization of the life of children and parents, which excludes or minimizes the likelihood of conflicts between them. Conflict resolution activities can be carried out both by parents and children themselves, and by a third party (teacher, psychologist, conflictologist). Also an important condition for the prevention of conflict is the resolution of intrapersonal conflicts. Only a person who lives in harmony with himself can effectively solve interpersonal problems.

conclusions

Thus, having studied the methods and recommendations for resolving parent-child conflicts, we can draw the following conclusions:
1. The most favorable variant of the relationship between parents and children, when they experience a steady need for mutual communication, show frankness, mutual trust, equality in relationships, when parents are able to understand the world of the child, his age requirements. Less orders, commands, threats, reading morality, and more ability to listen and hear each other, the desire to find joint solutions, arguments, observations.
2. Conflict resolution implies such an organization of the life of children and parents, which eliminates or minimizes the likelihood of conflicts between them. Conflict resolution activities can be carried out both by parents and children themselves, and by a third party (teacher, psychologist, conflictologist). Also an important condition for the prevention of conflict is the resolution of intrapersonal conflicts.

CONCLUSION

Conflict is a normal manifestation of social ties and relations between people, a way of interaction in the event of a clash of incompatible views, positions and interests, a confrontation between two or more parties that are interconnected but pursue their own goals. Consequently, the main task is to give the conflict, if possible, a functionally positive character, to minimize the inevitable damage from its negative consequences.
In a conflict situation, a blockage of the actual needs of family members can occur, which, in turn, can cause a symptom to appear in one of them - most often in a child. The latter becomes the carrier of a symptom that allows maintaining old, established relationships between family members.
Conflicts between parents and children often arise due to the type of intra-family relations, the destructiveness of education, expressed in various errors of educational influence, the age crisis of the child, the personality factor, i.e. properties and qualities of the individual, both the child and the parent.
The most favorable variant of the relationship between parents and children is when they experience a steady need for mutual communication, show frankness, mutual trust, equality in relationships, when parents are able to understand the world of the child, his age requirements. Less orders, commands, threats, reading morality, and more ability to listen and hear each other, the desire to find joint solutions, arguments, observations.
Conflict resolution implies such an organization of the life of children and parents, which eliminates or minimizes the likelihood of conflicts between them. Conflict resolution activities can be carried out both by parents and children themselves, and by a third party (teacher, psychologist, conflictologist). Also an important condition for the prevention of conflict is the resolution of intrapersonal conflicts.

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Our children are our old age. Proper upbringing is our happy old age, bad upbringing is our future grief, these are our tears, this is our guilt before other people.

A.S. Makarenko

The birth of children is a completely new stage in the life of a family. Of course, for normal spouses, the birth of a child is always a great joy and happiness. As St. John Chrysostom says: “The birth of children became the greatest consolation for people when they became mortal. That is why the philanthropic God, in order to immediately mitigate the punishment of the forefathers and ease the fear of death, granted the birth of children, showing in it ... the image of the Resurrection.

But every good deed, and especially such an important one as the birth and upbringing of children, is not accomplished without temptations. And the multiplication of the family always brings new difficulties and problems.

One of my acquaintances, dad, exhausted by family problems, the whims and disobedience of his children, once said to me in a moment of despair: “How hard it is with children! Probably even hellish torments are easier to endure! Of course, this was said in a state of passion. I know that this father loves his children, but I think every parent has had periods when they wanted to run away from their offspring to the ends of the world. However, life without children is unbearable and boring. So in our life everything is like this - "sadness is adjacent to love."

The topic of parent-child conflicts can be conditionally divided into two parts:

• marital conflicts over children
• parent-child conflicts.

Let's start with the first.

New family member

The birth of a baby is not only a test, an exam for spouses on their readiness to become a father and mother, but also a test of their feelings. And if the spouses are ill-prepared for this event, even the most long-awaited child can serve as a bone of contention for them. And often the birth of children, instead of even more uniting the husband and wife, on the contrary, separates them. Why? The fault is most often mutual. Let's consider several options.

Alienation, conflict between spouses, as a rule, occurs due to jealousy. The husband, to whom the wife spent a lot of time before the birth of the child, with the advent of a new member in the family fades into the background. Very often the situation is aggravated by the fact that the wife saw her “first child” in her husband: she took care of him, cherished and cherished like a child. And when she became a real mother, her adult "child" was forgotten. The birth of a baby, especially the first, is a very exciting and joyful event for a mother. After all, she, unlike her father, had been in contact with him for nine months. It is not for nothing that the Gospel says that a woman, “when she gives birth to a baby, no longer remembers sorrow for joy, because a man was born into the world” ().

But this is where many mothers make a mistake. They give themselves to the care and care of the child one hundred percent. This also happens because of inexperience, because such a mother does everything for the first time, and already with the second child she worries much less and spends mental and physical strength. And now, any squeak or discontent of the baby can cause her to panic. She spends hours ironing diapers, boiling nipples and sterilizing the nursery. There is even such a joke: if the first child drops the nipple on the floor, the mother boils it, if the second one, she washes it under the tap, and when the third baby is born, she simply licks it.

And in the first months after the birth of a child, some women abandon all their affairs and only deal with the baby. This is completely wrong.

Experts say: “It is paradoxical, but true: obsessed mothers who devote all their time and energy to a baby, as a rule, get a whiny, painful and nervous child as a result.

Why it happens? The baby is emotionally very strongly connected with his mother, and if she feels her subconscious desire to spend as much time with him as possible, she will satisfy this desire in every possible way: wake up often at night, cry every time the mother pays attention to her husband, and in general don't let your mom go. As a rule, restless children come from those parents whose relationship is far from absolute love and mutual understanding.

So such overprotection causes double harm - both to the child and to the relationship of the spouses. The husband may well have jealousy, resentment; not seeing the attention of his wife, he will try to console himself somewhere outside the house in the company of friends or surrendering to his favorite hobby.

The child will only serve to unite the family when the parents take care of him together. A woman needs to understand that if she will involve her husband in caring for the baby, for example, her husband will bathe him, change clothes, sometimes walk with him in order to relieve his mother a little, then this will not only benefit her (after all, she will have more rest and exercise home), but will also help the father establish the necessary contact with the child, as well as strengthen marital feelings. After all, nothing unites like a common cause.

There is also such an option: the husband himself is not ready for fatherhood and does not want to take responsibility and care for the child. He sees that the wife with the birth of the baby begins to pay less attention to him, and instead of starting to give his affection, love and care to her and the child, support them, shows selfishness, begins to be jealous of his wife for the child.

A woman after pregnancy and childbirth especially needs support and attention. For her, this time is very difficult, not without reason, as a reaction to the enormous stress associated with the birth of a child, many mothers develop the so-called postpartum depression. Of course, in the marital alienation associated with the birth of a child, there is a great fault and women. Indeed, despite the fact that maternal duty obliges her to give a lot of strength to the child, she must also show love and sensitivity to her husband, understand that it may be harder for him now than for her, because women, as a rule, are very attached to the baby, and despite the difficulties, it gives her great pleasure to be a mother. A man has yet to learn how to be a father.

So both spouses need to understand that with the advent of a child, they must rebuild their relationship, learn how to interact in a new capacity - father and mother.

And the first thing they should not forget: the most important thing now is to preserve and increase their love and feelings, because the most important thing for their child is to grow up in a family where parents truly love each other. Someone once said wisely: "The greatest thing a father can do for his child is to love his mother."

love children

Why do spouses have children? If you arrange a survey among parents on this topic, you can hear very different answers. Someone will say: “Children are our continuation, we want to leave a mark on the earth so that our surname, our family does not disappear.” Or, for example: “We want to have support and support in old age”; “We want children to realize our plans and dreams that we could not realize”; “If you get married, you need to give birth to children: without them, the family will be incomplete.” And all these answers contain a grain of truth. Of course, every family should strive to procreate, any parent wants the child to rest him in old age, and many spouses want their children to continue their work and achieve success in it. about greater success than they themselves (although, of course, each person must choose his own path in life).

But the main motive for the birth of children should be only one - love for children.

This is very clearly seen in the example of large families. Parents with many children are not afraid of any difficulties, economic and housing problems, because they love children. They know that each new child gives them new happiness.

And when parents understand that the main thing in raising a child and communicating with him is love, then their life and the life of their child will change for the better.

Whatever we do: play with children, teach something, punish them - we must always be guided by only one thing - love for them. And therefore, even if you do not yet have special feelings for your child, you need to make every effort to love him. Without love, the process of raising a child will not make sense.

Once, when I was speaking in an audience, I was asked a question. A young woman, a mother, asked: “What should I do if dad does not have contact, closeness with children, communicates little, plays with them?” Establishing friendly, warm relationships with children is directly related to communication. Of course, this is some work. Overcome fatigue, laziness; when you come home from work, do not lie on the sofa with a newspaper, but find time to play with the children, read a book to them. One of my acquaintances grandfather was worried and complained that his grandson treats him coldly. But the grandson grew up a little, and the grandfather began to communicate with him more, pick him up from school, play football and generally spend more time with him. And the relationship between grandfather and grandson immediately improved.

Yes, love is the main factor in raising children, but there is one thing but . Love must be right and reasonable. Indeed, many parents, as well as grandparents, understand love as indulging all the desires of a beloved child. One of my friends said: "You can't spoil you with love." Spoiled, and how. Love for children implies not only care, tenderness and affection, but also severity - we are responsible for them. “Whoever wants to raise children well, educates them in severity and labor, so that, having distinguished themselves in knowledge and behavior, they could eventually receive the fruits of their labors,” says the Monk Nilus of Sinai. The one who indulges is overprotective of the child; if he loves him, then with blind love, because spoiled children are completely unprepared to enter adulthood. They cannot take responsibility for their wife and children, they do not know how to make decisions.

In addition to overprotection and pampering, there is another extreme. This is a style of parenting that can be called possessiveness. That is, it seems to parents that they love the child, but in fact they perceive it as their property, material for the implementation of their plans. And they absolutely do not want to see him as a person.

From the very birth of children, such parents have a clear plan for them. For example, a special school with enhanced study of English, then - the Institute of Foreign Languages ​​or MGIMO, then - work as a diplomat. Or a lawyer, an economist, or someone else, but only in accordance with the parental scenario. And then it turns out that the child wanted to become a musician or a doctor, but instead he graduates from some very boring university, then, without any desire, works as a lawyer or financier just because it is prestigious, brings a good income and so his parents wanted.

Or sometimes parents really want their child to realize those projects and ambitions that they failed to realize. And they, regardless of the desire and inclinations of the child, use it to implement their ideas.

Of course, as a rule, any parent wants the child to follow in his footsteps. But this should not become a fixed idea.

Our most important task as parents is to educate the child, that is, to nurture the image of God in him, to educate him as a believing, pious person, and to allow his good inclinations to develop. Of course, parents should give the child direction in life, but only in accordance with his inclinations and abilities.

"We don't understand him!"

Let's move on to parent-child conflicts.

Again and again, remember that conflict is a misunderstanding. Both sides of the conflict cannot or do not want to understand each other.

Recently, I congratulated one of my acquaintances on the long-awaited first-born, and to the question: “How are things going with the baby?”, She answered me: “Everything is fine, but we don’t understand it yet.” And the same words can be said by most parents of not only babies, but also younger students and teenagers. When I became a father and new troubles and problems appeared, I must admit that I envied my children. How sometimes I wanted to lie carefree in bed, eat, play and not think about getting up at dawn tomorrow and going to work, that I need to feed my family with something and in general solve many adult tasks from morning to evening! Most adults think that children are generally devoid of any problems whatsoever. And if they are capricious, worried and ask for something, then they are just playing the fool. What problems might they have? Do what your parents tell you, don't do what they don't tell you to, go to school and behave yourself. In fact, the life of a child, despite the fact that he, of course, feels parental protection and support, is no less difficult than adult life.

It's just that children have a different kind of difficulty. They, unlike adults, do not have life experience, they are not immune to everyday problems, and if we remember ourselves in childhood, we will understand that the life of a child is also by no means carefree. It has its own stresses, fears, resentments, sorrows and experiences. We are afraid of being reprimanded at work, and the child is afraid of getting a bad grade, being beaten by a school bully, and generally has his own childhood fears that we don’t know about. We experience stress when we learn that we will not be able to repay the loan on time, and the child is afraid that he will write the test poorly, because he is not at all ready for it.

Preschool children also have their own experiences, fears, worries, and often their whims or aggression can be caused by some internal reasons. And we will be able to come to an understanding with our children when we learn to enter into their position, we will try to penetrate into their inner world and understand how they live and breathe. And, of course, we will learn to communicate with them. Children have their own And a vision of the world that is different from our adult perception; it may be immature, naive, wrong, but if parents understand their child, it will be very easy for them to force him to obey them without quarrels, conflicts and severe punishments. The child will trust them more and show obedience not out of fear, but out of love.

Let's start with general provisions. What is the first thing children expect from us? Love and understanding. We have repeatedly reminded that love is a sacrifice. A sacrifice is always dedicated to someone, done for someone. In this case, the sacrifice of love is made for the sake of our children, for the sake of their upbringing. We sacrifice free time, peace, physical and mental strength and, of course, we have certain material costs.

The main thing that any parent can influence his child is by his own example. Both negative and positive. Parents are an example for children all their lives, and at preschool age they make up almost the whole world for him. Therefore, our responsibility to children is simply enormous. The birth and upbringing of a child is a very big incentive for parents to start working on themselves, to fight their shortcomings and bad habits.

If we don't want a child to start smoking, we ourselves must not smoke. If parents want to wean their child off the TV and the computer, they should be the first to set an example for him. To tell children that one should not use bad words, and not to shy away from strong expressions, is to teach them hypocrisy. They have every right to express themselves in this way, as long as their parents do not control their own speech. And so in everything! If we don’t want our son to grow up to be lazy and slovenly, we ourselves must not be lazy and not scatter our things. And most importantly: a child can be taught spiritual life and prayer only by personal example.

Parents should come to mutual understanding and agreement among themselves, at least for the sake of their children. After all, when creating their own family, children will be guided by parental scenarios.

So, by raising a child, we educate ourselves.

Parents tend to make one of two mistakes. First, parents think that children are little adults; they know and understand everything better than we do, and therefore it is not worth educating them especially. And in general, you need to communicate with them on an equal footing. This is a very big and harmful delusion. The child cannot be equal to us. He has not yet formed, his consciousness is not developed, and he does not have the experience and baggage of knowledge of an adult. If he sometimes strikes us with his clever statements, it happens for two reasons. Either he got some information from a TV show, radio program, books, conversations with adults ... Or this option is possible: the consciousness, perception of a child, unlike an adult, is less loaded, his eye is less "blurred", and he can sometimes see what which we usually just ignore. That is why the mouth of a baby sometimes "says the truth."

But the child is not an adult, and when communicating with him, you must not forget this. He will not understand us perfectly. He is waiting for an explanation from us. He only cognizes this world, and what has long been known and understood to us may be a secret for him with seven seals. Therefore, we will not be lazy to talk with the baby, patiently explaining to him the meaning of our words, requests and prohibitions. Children are extremely curious. Especially preschool children. They ask a lot of questions. For example, in my youngest son Kolya, half of his speech consists of questions. True, he sometimes confuses “why?” and “why?”, which is especially funny. So we come to the house, and he asks: “Is mom at home?” - "No, why?" But mostly he asks the right questions and very interesting ones. For parents, this is also a kind of mind training, because they need to correspond to the status of know-it-alls, to have sufficient erudition. The child asks questions not only to get information, for him it is also a way of communication. After all, he himself does not yet have sufficient horizons, cannot clearly formulate thoughts and build speech. But he reaches out to his parents, wants to talk to them, and therefore it is easier for him to communicate in a question-answer form.

When communicating with a baby, adults should not forget that the child has a very mobile consciousness, he is often fickle and not very diligent. Now he wants one, and in five minutes another. Children's memory also has its own characteristics, and therefore, in raising children, you need to have great patience, you do not need to be angry if they do not remember something the first time. For example, the same incident happened to my youngest son. With the help of his mother, he glued together a very beautiful plywood airplane. Then he came up to me and asked permission to paint it with felt-tip pens. I said that this should not be done, as it will turn out ugly, it is better to leave everything as it is. Kolya approached several times and each time was refused. A couple of days later, I saw that the entire plane was “disguised” with multi-colored felt-tip pens. I asked him sternly, “Why did you do that? I didn't let you!" And then Nikolai, almost crying, said: “It was necessary to remind me as soon as I started painting it!” I felt very ashamed, I realized that the child simply forgot about the ban, and I regarded this as disrespect for the father and showed unnecessary severity.

In addition to the “child is a small adult” error, there is another wrong style of behavior with children. This communication with the child is exclusively through orders, commands and prohibitions. Parents who practice this method believe that the child is stupid, small and undeveloped. He should not think and reason especially, he should not be talked to especially, he should just listen to what his parents tell him and do it. This style of behavior can lead to a complete loss of contact with the child. He will simply shut himself up in his own world, go there like a shell. He will cease to trust his parents, and will obey them only for the time being for fear of punishment.

A child from early childhood expects support, protection and help from parents. And he should receive this support. One man told me that his wife had a very strange theory and he couldn't do anything about it. In her opinion, children should not be picked up, kissed and caressed. Parents who deprive their children of affection, especially in infancy, will not be able to establish contact with them later, to find a common language. Their relationship will be formal and cold.

It is very important for children to feel protected and caressed not only verbally, but also physically. They instinctively want to run up and cuddle up to their mother in a moment of sadness or sit on their father's lap. It is also very conducive to rapprochement between children and parents. Only, of course, everything should be in moderation. If you overdo it in caresses, the child can get so used to them that he will not get off his hands or, on the contrary, they will disgust him.