Child throws tantrums: My God, when will this end? What to do with a tantrum in a child

22.02.2023

If a child throws tantrums, he does not obey. Personal experience of a psychologist

A good psychologist is one who has gone through, experienced, realized, overcome and worked through those tasks, trials and problems that life gives him.

I recently got a call from one of my banking clients, from my days as a bank manager. I called dissatisfied with the service in the office where I once was the manager, saying that with my departure it became much worse. In such situations, two feelings fight in me. One says: "You see how well done you are, so you are a good leader." On the other hand, it becomes a little pitiful for the years spent on work. Although clients sometimes make mistakes, they make excessive demands on new employees. Often, everything is not so bad, just such a mood a person has today.

I said that I no longer worked in banks and had been doing psychological counseling for several years, and our conversation smoothly turned to the topic of family relations between parents and children. The problem, for our time, is standard, the child does not obey, plays computer games, does not listen to his parents. Question: what to do? Of course, I tried to give recommendations, but I felt that they sound rather banal and are unlikely to be useful to him, and will give some effect. In my private practice, I do not work with child-parent relationships, so I did not pay much attention to this topic. However, everything in life does not happen by chance. As in this famous phrase of John Don: “... never ask for whom the Bell tolls; He is calling for you." Last night, when one of the few calm evenings turned out, when my eldest son did not throw tantrums, was quite accommodating and obedient, I realized that this was a sign for me to understand something in my life.

Elder son and tantrums

My first son is a very long-awaited child in our family. For more than two years, my wife and I, after we decided that it was time, could not conceive. They ate right, led an absolutely healthy lifestyle, seriously practiced yoga. They prayed, asked for blessings from their parents, went to astrologers and psychics. It seems that one of the astrologers said that there is no child because there is a birth curse. But at some point, either thanks to the help of some specialists, or just the time has come, a miracle happened.

The wife turned into a mother hen, completely devoted herself to the birth of a child. We went to special courses before childbirth, in Moscow there is a center where Orthodox midwives teach, who then help to take birth at home. The birth went quickly, without complications, thanks to yoga, the right mood, the help of our midwife and, for sure, higher powers. The son was born completely healthy and strong, weighing 4 kg. Despite the endless worries of grandparents that there will be problems due to insufficient amounts of protein due to the fact that we are vegetarians.

After the birth, we immediately felt that the guy was born demanding and quite emotional. And by the age of two, he began to firmly defend his positions, and, in case of failure, went into hysterics.

I’ll make a reservation right away, our grandmother is a pediatrician, so we didn’t have a chance to go through all the doctors, including a neurologist. The answer is - everything is fine, glycine, valerian; and in general, many children now do not listen to their parents and will hysteria - this is within the normal range. And the fact that parents “go crazy” from this, well, so that you wanted life is not sugar, you need to work on yourself. Although how to do this is not clear.

Now my son is 6 years old, the child throws tantrums quite often. Moreover, the methods of manipulation with the development of consciousness are rapidly improving. The wife now drinks valerian herself. Partially reducing the number of tantrums was helped by adherence to the regime and the exclusion of moments of overwork, emotional overload due to the high sensitivity of the nervous system. Most often, this behavior occurs at a time when there are significant adults. Calms down only after the drama being played out reaches a climax. You can attribute everything to the character, to the characteristics of the nervous system, which only leads everything to a dead end, from which there is only one way out - this is glycine, valerian and other, more "strong" drugs.

It can be assumed that, probably, the child has a demonic character or something like that. Now, during the development of the Vedic worldview, this is a fashionable term. This very convenient label is used in order not to look for reasons and to relieve oneself of responsibility. It's just a character, what can you do.

For quite a long time I have been trying to find a clue to this phenomenon, I tried to try on different concepts, first of all, I analyzed the roles: “victim-savior-tyrant”. You can see how these scenarios play out, but attempts to change them do not give a lasting result. It feels like some kind of force returns everything to its place, and the performance continues.

In the literature on psychology and psychosomatics, it is said that a child can behave hysterically from a lack of unconditional love and attention. When parents show love and care only when the child behaves well. That is, parents live by the principle: “I want to enjoy life, and you should help me with this, and if your behavior does not allow me to enjoy, then I will not waste my time and energy on you.”

However, the son, for sure, has not been deprived of attention since childhood, but the question is open about unconditional love. The problem is that even if this is all true, then where can a parent get such unconditional love if there is none. And in general, reasoning on the topic of unconditional love is sometimes very impractical, because it is even difficult to understand what it is. And where and how to get it is generally a big question.

At some point, my wife and I decided to analyze the life of our ancestors, because in my experience of working on myself and working with clients, family and family scenarios often contain answers to many questions that seem inexplicable or intractable to correction.

It turned out that in the family of my wife and my family there is a repeating scenario when one of the relatives behaves harshly, demanding attention and submission to his will, provokes conflicts. And that's exactly what my son does. However, there is no insight here, except that after analyzing and comparing our family trees with our wife, we, in due time, saw that we met and fell in love with each other not by chance. But, in itself, this understanding does not yet give an answer to the question "What to do with it now?". Well, life was hard, the revolution, the wars. Well, some of the men in our families could not stand it and acted treacherously towards women. And women were not saints, of course, they put all the blame on the men, not trying to understand and understand the circumstances, to understand and forgive.

Moreover, children who grew up in families where there were problems in the relationship between their parents were deprived of attention and love, the attention of even their mothers. Their mothers, who did not forgive their husbands or fathers, could not give the necessary attention and care to their children, because they were forced to solve many household and personal problems alone. Children who did not receive the experience of the selfless love of their parents could not fully pass it on to their descendants.

Children growing up in an atmosphere where there is little love are forced to somehow compete for attention from others. This becomes the reason for the formation of a character prone to dominance and upholding their point of view no matter what. After all, this is how the missing attention is replenished and the person feels that he is not indifferent to his relatives. The goal of defending one's point of view to the last is to protect oneself. Protection, as they believe, from the injustice of this world. From inappropriate and disrespectful attitude towards their personality. They always fight for the truth, for themselves and never give up, they fight at any cost.

Therefore, blaming a six-year-old child or an 80-year-old grandmother for provoking conflicts would not be correct. The only difference is that if an adult, if desired, can try to understand the reasons and correct his attitude to life, then a child with an undeveloped consciousness cannot do this for sure.

The question arises, what should parents do if the child throws tantrums?

It can be assumed that having worked out your ancestral scenario and paying special attention to the lives of those ancestors who had a negative experience, it will help parents understand their own model of behavior that triggers just such a scenario of relationships with a child. And awareness of the program already makes it possible to change it.

I will try to briefly formulate my assumptions of what to do in a situation where a child throws tantrums and does not obey:

Draw family trees of spouses.
Find out which of your ancestors received psychological trauma associated with a lack of attention, feelings of love from one of the parents or spouse. Perhaps the father was the cause of the daughter's misfortunes.
Understand the reasons for such behavior of your ancestors. It is necessary to recreate the historical reality in which these events took place, then it will be easier for you to understand them. For example, during the war and after, all the men drank a lot, drank just to relieve stress (do not judge them, God forbid we live in such conditions), decisions made while intoxicated are often irresponsible, in a sober state, a person may would not have done so.
Perhaps the person simply did not have a choice. It is important to consider that families do not break up just because of one person. Always both spouses bring the family to this. One - by their actions, the second - by inaction or provoking the situation.
Try to forgive everyone who has hurt others. You need to forgive not just because “God forgave and bequeathed to us”, forgiveness should be based on the understanding of that person of his personal problems, life difficulties, insurmountable circumstances that he faced.

Another insight that I received while dealing with this issue is that love is not only about enjoying your son or daughter, love is also about investing your life energy, strength and time in raising a child. This is to invest in working with the child, including when the child does not behave the way we like. Often, one of the parents does not take a strict position on a number of educational issues, due to the lack of strength and energy to do this, which provokes inappropriate behavior of the child, or vice versa: he behaves excessively harshly. This can also be attributed to the lack of the necessary energy, the desire to isolate oneself from problems. Blame everything on the character of the child, heredity, lack of time, the need to earn money. There are many excuses for not taking care of a child.

However, as I wrote at the beginning, it is possible to argue that these methods will work only if you have personal experience of overcoming the situation, or at least the experience of other people who have gone through this situation. I have neither one nor the other in terms of working with a 6-year-old child. Therefore, I decided to first try to “work through” this situation myself, and in a month to make a small report on what happened and how effective it was.

At the age of 1-5 years, children receive a lot of new information about the world around them, which causes a psycho-emotional restructuring of the child's body. At this time, children are mentally unstable and tantrums are quite common for them.

Each parent has experienced tantrums of the child and at the same time felt his complete helplessness in front of the baby in this state. What to do if the child is beating in a strong tantrum, crying and does not give in to any persuasion? Perhaps this is the most common question among parents, leading them to a stupor.

What to do if a child has a tantrum?

tantrums become more intense and prolonged;
the child faints or has difficulty breathing;
the child causes bodily harm to others and even to himself;
against the background of tantrums, there are frequent night terrors, sudden changes in mood;
the tantrum ends with vomiting and lethargy.

The most common cause of tantrums in children is stress.

click Stress in a child is a protective reaction of the body to the modification of environmental conditions. There are many reasons for stress: the child is hungry, thirsty, wants to use the toilet, or he is uncomfortable in clothes. Accumulating gradually in the body, they can eventually lead to a stressful situation and hysteria. Or, for example, the child was playing or reading a book, and the parents insistently called him to eat. Naturally, the child will cry, because maybe he just started the game or started reading. Therefore, it is worth giving the child time to finish what he started.

If the baby feels well enough and is not tired, then he may well switch his interests. Otherwise, hysteria will not pass. Determining that the tantrum came from stress is quite easy. Such tantrums happen when the parents themselves are tired and therefore unconsciously pour out all the anger and discontent on the child. Therefore, analyze your behavior and do not allow a surge of negative emotions towards the child. And of course, every caring parent can determine that the child is tired. Just remember what the baby was doing 3 hours before the tantrum, when he last drank, went to the toilet, etc.

It is necessary to respond to such a hysteria with all dedication, care and love. It is pointless to educate at this time, besides this it is even harmful. It is necessary to approach the child, hug him, kiss him, calm him down and satisfy the needs that led to this tantrum: feed, wash, give him a drink. If parents ignore such a tantrum, then by doing so they will let the baby know that they are indifferent to him. And this, in turn, will be deposited in his subconscious.

In order to save the child from such tantrums, parents should carefully monitor the children's needs and satisfy them in a timely manner, constantly nourishing him with their attention and affection. But attention must also be correct and resemble meditation. It is necessary not only to watch him, play, feed him, but do it without any extraneous thoughts. Psychologists have proven that in one year a child needs 30 minutes. such observation, in 1-3 years - 20 minutes, and after 5 years and in subsequent years, 10 minutes is enough. As a result, the child will have great inner strength and resistance to stress.

The next reason for hysteria is the desire to get rid of foreign influences.

There are two types of education: natural and coding. Unlike coding, natural parenting denies any way of dominating a child and putting pressure on him. This type of upbringing is very rare these days. Parents who have matured spiritually are capable of it. Coding education is practiced by many parents, who often do not pay attention to the natural abilities and character of their child. They build from it what they want, believing that it will benefit the baby. And in the end, on the contrary, they break the development of personality at an early stage.

If a child does not want to do something, but is forced, then this will pinch him. And then hysteria is the only way out of the situation.

If parents know how to monitor their own emotions, then they can easily distinguish such a tantrum. Do not ignore tears, otherwise the child will lose confidence in his parents. We must act as calmly and benevolently as possible. Calm down yourself and take the baby in your arms, hug him and caress him. It is not necessary to calm the child, it is worth waiting until the child calms down. If the child does not want to go in his arms, surround him, at least mentally, with care and love, stay close, so the parents can increase the baby's confidence in them.

I must say that the prevention of such tantrums is a particularly painful process for parental ambitions. It is necessary to set the goal of natural education, to reconsider the methods of education, not to react to the opinions of other people, to grow spiritually ourselves. It should not be thought that natural education offers the child complete freedom of action. The child must understand what a "prohibition" is, but this prohibition must be deliberate. Parents must learn to find compromise solutions and remember that their child is a separate person, with his own desires and ambitions.

The third reason for tantrums is release from excessive nervous tension.

Having been away, or in a new environment, in a noisy and cheerful company, having talked with new people, the child may experience nervous overexcitation. This hysteria will be the treatment for the baby. Parents need to relax the baby, treat him gently, gently, with understanding. Usually, unless, of course, the parents react correctly, such a tantrum passes after 15 minutes. To avoid such tantrums in the future, do not overexcite the baby, be in a calm environment. And if you really have to go to visit, where it's noisy, just pay attention to your child more often.

The last reason for hysteria in a child is attempts to manipulate parents.

In this case, only one thing will help - ignoring. These tantrums are a child of the tantrums described above and occur if the parents react incorrectly to the child’s primary tantrums: they start to get hysterical, angry, nervous, or, in return, they promise the child a candy or a new toy, just to calm down. And if the child wants to get something from you, he will arrange them all the time. It is especially difficult for parents to calmly endure such a tantrum in any public place. Especially you should not pay attention to the disapproving looks of others.

Such tantrums are harmful to the child, they destroy his character. Parents should simply ignore such tantrums and, if possible, ignore them. Of course, this is not easy, but you need to educate your own character. This will be a great example for the child. Perhaps the process of re-education will be long, especially if the child has a strong character. He will often roll up such concerts, testing your patience. The main thing is to be calm and say inside yourself: "I love you and do not wish you harm, but I will not allow myself to be manipulated." Ignoring such tantrums, the child should not be left alone, he should be in the field of view of the parents.

Whatever the cause of a child's tantrum, one should not persuade the child, try to calm him down or read moralizing. It's all useless. Do not be afraid of children's tantrums, react correctly and eliminate them. And then you will have harmony in the family!

Children's tantrums can complicate the life of any, even very patient adults. Just yesterday, the baby was a “darling”, and today he has been replaced - he screams for any reason, squeals, falls to the floor, beats his head against the walls and carpet, and no exhortations help. Such unpleasant scenes are almost never one-time protests. Often, tantrums in a child are repeated systematically, sometimes several times a day.

This cannot but disturb and puzzle parents who are wondering what they did wrong, is everything okay with the baby and how to stop these antics. An authoritative well-known pediatrician Evgeny Komarovsky tells moms and dads how to respond to children's tantrums.

About the problem

Children's tantrums are a ubiquitous phenomenon. And even if the parents of the little one say that they have the calmest baby in the world, this does not mean that he never makes scenes out of the blue. Until recently, it was somehow embarrassing to admit to tantrums in one’s own child, the parents were embarrassed, suddenly others would think that they were raising a little one badly, and sometimes they were completely afraid that their beloved child would be considered mentally “not like that”. So they fought, as best they could, in the family circle.

In recent years, the problem has begun to be discussed with specialists, child psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists, and pediatricians. And an insight came: there are much more hysterical children than it might seem at first glance. According to statistics available to child psychologists in one of the major Moscow clinics, 80% of children under the age of 6 have tantrums periodically, and 55% of such children have tantrums on a regular basis. On average, children can fall into such attacks from 1 time per week to 3-5 times a day.

A child's tantrum has certain basic symptoms. As a rule, an attack is preceded by some identical events and situations.

During a tantrum, a child can scream heart-rendingly, tremble, choke, and there will not be so many tears. There may be shortness of breath, an increased heart rate, and many children try to hurt themselves by scratching their faces, biting their hands, hitting walls or the floor. Attacks in children are quite long, after which they cannot calm down for a long time, sobbing.

In certain age periods, tantrums acquire stronger manifestations; at such “critical” stages of growing up, emotional outbursts change their color. They may suddenly appear, or they may just as suddenly disappear. But tantrums should never be ignored, just as a child should not be allowed to manipulate adult family members with the help of screaming and stamping their feet.

The opinion of Dr. Komarovsky

First of all, Evgeny Komarovsky believes, parents should remember that a child in a state of hysteria necessarily needs a spectator. Kids never make scandals in front of a TV or a washing machine, they choose a living person, and from family members the one who is most sensitive to his behavior is suitable for the role of a spectator.

If dad starts to worry and get nervous, then it will be he who will be chosen by the child for a spectacular tantrum. And if the mother ignores the behavior of the child, then throwing a tantrum in front of her is simply not interesting.

How to wean a child from tantrums will tell Dr. Komarovskaya in the next video.

This opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion of child psychologists, who argue that a child in a state of hysteria does not control himself at all. Komarovsky is sure that the baby is perfectly aware of the situation and the balance of power, and everything that he does at this moment does it quite arbitrarily.

Therefore, the main advice from Komarovsky is in no way to show that the children's "concert" touches the parents in any way. No matter how strong the tears, screams and stamping of feet were.

If a child ever achieves his goal with the help of a tantrum, he will use this method all the time. Komarovsky warns parents to appease the baby during a tantrum.

To give in means to become a victim of manipulation, which will, in one way or another, constantly improving, continue for the rest of your life.

Preferably calm tactics of behavior and rejection of tantrums were followed by all family members, so that mom's "no" never turns into dad's "yes" or grandma's "maybe". Then the child will quickly understand that hysteria is not a method at all, and will stop testing adults' nerves for strength.

If the grandmother begins to show softness, to feel sorry for the child offended by the parental refusal, then she runs the risk of becoming the only spectator of children's tantrums. The problem, says Komarovsky, is the lack of physical security with such grandmothers. After all, usually a grandson or granddaughter gradually ceases to obey them and can get into an unpleasant situation in which they can be injured on a walk, burn yourself with boiling water in the kitchen, put something into the socket, etc., because the baby will not react to the calls of the grandmother.

What to do?

If the child is 1-2 years old, he is quite quickly able to form the correct behavior at the reflex level. Komarovsky advises to put the baby in the arena, where he will have a safe space. As soon as the tantrum began, leave the room, but let the child know that he is being heard. As soon as the little one is silent, you can go into his room. If the cry is repeated - go out again.

According to Yevgeny Olegovich, two days are enough for a child of one and a half to two years to develop a stable reflex - “mom is nearby if I don’t yell.”

For such a “training”, parents will need truly iron nerves, the doctor emphasizes. However, their efforts will certainly be rewarded by the fact that in a short time an adequate, calm and obedient child will grow up in their family. And one more important point - the sooner parents put this knowledge into practice, the better for everyone. If the child has already exceeded 3 years, this method alone is indispensable. More painstaking work on the bugs will be required. First of all, over parental mistakes in raising their own child.

The child does not obey and is hysterical

Absolutely any children can be naughty, says Komarovsky. Much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing, norms of behavior that are accepted in the family, on the relationship between members of this family.

Do not forget about the "transitional" age - 3 years, 6-7 years, adolescence.

3 years

At the age of about three years, the child understands and realizes himself in this big world, and, of course, he wants to try this world for strength. In addition, children at this age are not all and far from always able to express in words their feelings, emotions and experiences on any occasion. So they show them in the form of hysterics.

Quite often at this age stage, night tantrums begin. They are spontaneous in nature, the child simply wakes up at night and immediately practices a piercing cry, arches, sometimes tries to break away from adults and try to run away. Usually night tantrums do not last so long, and the child "outgrows" them, they stop as suddenly as they began.

6-7 years old

At 6-7 years old, a new stage of growing up occurs. The kid is already ripe in order to go to school, and they begin to demand more from him than before. He is very afraid of not meeting these requirements, he is afraid of “failing”, stress accumulates and sometimes spills out again in the form of hysteria.

Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that most often parents turn to doctors with this problem when the child is already 4-5 years old, when tantrums occur “out of habit”.

If, at an earlier age, parents failed to stop such behavior and unwittingly became participants in a tough performance that the baby plays in front of them every day, trying to achieve something of his own.

Parents are usually frightened by some of the external manifestations of hysteria, such as the child's fainting state, convulsions, "hysterical bridge" (arching the back), deep sobs and shortness of breath. Affective-respiratory disorders, this is how Evgeny Olegovich calls this phenomenon, are characteristic mainly of young children - up to 3 years. With strong crying, the child exhales almost the entire volume of air from the lungs, and this leads to blanching, holding the breath.

With such manifestations of hysteria, it is still better to consult a pediatric neurologist, since the same symptoms are characteristic of some nervous disorders.

Teach your child to express emotions in words. Your child cannot not be angry and annoyed at all, like any other normal person. You just need to teach him how to express his anger or irritation correctly.
A child prone to hysterical attacks should not be overly patronized, groomed and cherished, it is best to send him to kindergarten as soon as possible. There, says Komarovsky, seizures usually do not occur at all due to the lack of permanent and impressionable spectators of tantrums - mom and dad.
Hysterical attacks can be learned to anticipate and control. To do this, parents need to carefully observe when a tantrum usually begins. The child may be sleepy, hungry, or he does not tolerate when they begin to rush him. Try to avoid potential "conflict" situations.
At the first sign of a tantrum starting, you should try to distract the child. Usually, says Komarovsky, this “works” quite successfully with children under three years old. With older guys it will be more difficult.
If your child tends to hold his breath during a tantrum, there is nothing particularly wrong with that. Komarovsky says that in order to improve breathing, you just need to blow in the face of the baby, and he will definitely take a breath reflexively.
No matter how difficult it is for parents to deal with the tantrums of the child, Komarovsky strongly recommends that you go through with this. If you let the kid beat you with a tantrum, then it will be even more difficult. After all, a hysterical and completely unbearable teenager of 15-16 years old will one day grow out of a hysterical three-year-old. It will ruin the life of not only parents. He makes it very difficult for himself.

Doctor Komarovsky

When a child has a tantrum, parents experience complex feelings, from guilt and shame to anger and powerlessness. I would like to have with me instructions “how to deal with children's tantrums step by step?” Because frequent tantrums and the struggle and conflicts that follow them create tension in relations between children and adults. And no, the baby does not specifically arrange scenes, it is also very difficult for him to endure them.

If tantrums happen often, parents may assume that the child is not healthy and go to a neurologist or psychiatrist, but hysterical neurosis in children without developmental features is a rare diagnosis.

For children under 4-5 years old, hysteria is a crisis reaction to an unbearable situation that cannot be stopped and accepted. The nervous system does not withstand stress in order to survive anger, rage and despair - the body throws a tantrum.

In this state, the child does not perceive information from the outside; he, as it were, “reboots the system” and is “temporarily unavailable”. After strong emotions find a way out, and the hysteria subsides, the stage of mourning begins, when a person seeks comfort and support from loved ones, goes to put up and wants to be handled.

In any case, tears, screaming and other violent reactions always have a reason. Below are the most common causes of children's tantrums.

Crisis 1 year

Up to a year, baby crying is easily explained by physiological needs and discomfort. A crying baby is easily distracted and occupied with a toy. And closer to the year the child becomes smart, wants to do it himself, imitating adults, wants to feel useful. So a small person learns the rules of behavior in the family and society, learns important skills.

But a one-year-old child can put himself or others in danger. This worries parents, they set the rules and prohibit many things.

Faced with limitations, the child experiences frustration. His need cannot be met right now. Oh, how annoying!

To survive the anger, the baby screams and falls to the ground, blushes, kicks the floor with his feet, demolishes the walls with his forehead, fights.

Crisis 3 years

A child at three years old is like a little teenager. He gradually separates from his mother and already has his own opinion about everything that happens, he wants to make decisions himself, he wants his opinion to be taken into account.

Protecting his "I" a three-year-old person refuses previously loved and familiar things just because it was suggested by adults - he shows negativism.

Simultaneously with negativism, the child shows stubbornness never seen before. If he asked for sweets, he would not refuse this desire. Even if he has long wanted candy and wants soup, he will never admit it and will continue to demand sweets.

Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky said about three-year-olds: "A child is at war with those around him, in constant conflict with them."

Family conflicts

When significant people quarrel, the child experiences severe stress, even if the conflict is sluggish and does not manifest itself in any way with the child - tension accumulates, and discharge occurs in hysterics. It happens that a child unconsciously "distracts" adults from the conflict with unbearable behavior and tantrums.

Changes in the usual way of life

Moving, kindergarten, illness, loss of friends or relatives - at such moments the child needs more attention and care.

Need for love and attention

If the time spent with parents is not enough, or it passes without high-quality and active communication. Such hysteria is a manifesto: "Notice me, I'm here, I need you!" how to calm a child's tantrum caused by a lack of attention? A simple game together, a heart-to-heart conversation, reading or a walk is enough to feel close to your parents. But some children need the constant involvement and attention of adults, this should be taken into account.

Photo and daughter of Yaroslava Matveychuk

Inconsistency in education

Mom allowed cartoons, and dad forbade it. Mom said that sweets are after meals, but dad often gives sweets before meals. If the prohibitions and rules are the same for all family members, then the child will simply accept them and there will be no room for manipulation. Adults need to agree on the rules adopted in their family.

The development of a single line of education often becomes the cause of family disputes, because everyone has their own experience and idea of \u200b\u200bhow "it is necessary." Psychological counseling for parents can be useful at the stage of finding one's own and acceptable for all style of raising a child.

Children's tantrum at night can occur due to severe stress during the day, nightmares, or sharp pain. It is important to stay close, hug, try to find out the cause and eliminate it.

Hysteria can happen to any child, but there are especially sensitive children, their nervous system is easily excited, and inhibition processes are poorly developed, because the neocortex, which is responsible for conscious actions and logic, matures by only 6-7 years of age.

Photo and daughter of Yaroslava Matveychuk

Can tantrums be prevented?

Stopping a hysteria that has already begun is as difficult as stopping an electric train at full speed. But there are a few ideas on how to respond to children's tantrums:

Make sure that the child eats and rests when he wants. Find a rhythm in which he feels calm and confident, when everything is predictable and understandable. Maintain this rhythm. Do not take a tired, hungry or sleepy child to shops, for long walks, for activities that require concentration.
Give the child the right to say "no" if this refusal does not infringe on the interests of other people and does not entail dangerous consequences. It teaches you to take responsibility for your decisions.
To pronounce the desires of the child and his emotions, especially if he is still small, in order to voice and realize them. “You want the eighteenth car”, “You are very angry with your mother”, “You are sad that your father left”, “You are hungry and that is why the mood is so bad.” Description of what is happening helps to relieve general tension, gives a sense of security and confidence in an adult, helps prevent a surge of uncontrollable feelings.
Allow safe expression of anger. Allow the child to scream and swear, tear and crumple paper, hit a beach ball, run and jump when he is angry. Do not scold for anger: “Don’t behave so horribly, stop yelling!”, But understand the causes of anger, and later talk about this feeling, you can even with examples from personal experience, tell what happened to mom when she herself was four. Perhaps the idea that this little person is just learning to deal with difficult negative emotions, and not all adults can do this, will be useful.
Play. Any real conflict situation can later be played with the child and his toys. Try different behaviors, release accumulated emotions, let go of control and imagine any scenario.

The game provides an opportunity to change roles, acquire the necessary skills of self-regulation and understand others.

How to help a child stop a tantrum?

A tantrum in a child can happen on the street or in a supermarket, on a bus or in a crowded subway car. What can a parent do?

Make sure the space is safe. Remove dangerous objects or take the child to a safe place, if possible.
Shut up. It is impossible to calm the baby at the moment of strong tension. There are studies showing that coaxing, punishing, and swearing only prolongs tantrums.
Sometimes it seems to outsiders that they know better than parents how to deal with children's tantrums, and people sincerely try to "do good." If a person does not provide help and support, but puts pressure on the child with his own: “Now the uncle policeman will pick you up,” then it is better to ask him to leave. The child is extremely vulnerable at the moment of hysteria and the loss of connection with an adult, even such a symbolic one, which is perceived by adults as a joke, can increase children's anger and fear.
Wait patiently until the fit of rage passes, and there comes a stage when the child wants to be pitied. It is possible and necessary to regret, this makes it clear that the hysteria did not spoil your relationship. But it’s not worth encouraging or reinforcing calm with gifts, especially with the things that caused the tantrum, this can reinforce an undesirable behavior pattern. Enough love and attention.
After a tantrum, the child will calm down and may feel weak, want to sleep, drink or eat. Well, if he gets the opportunity.
You can discuss what happened with the baby after some time. You can mark the boundaries, explain what happened to him: “You were very angry with your mother for not buying a chocolate bar, crying loudly and lying on the floor.”

It will be perfectly natural to express your dissatisfaction with such behavior, but not by the child himself.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova

How to respond to hysteria?

When a child is in a state of passion, he does not control himself and he is rather ill. A parent can “get infected” with an affect and get angry, feel despair, and then this one: “well, how much can you start again?”. Some parents are ashamed of the "such behavior" of the child. Feeling annoyed and even angry at a child because of his tantrum is quite natural. What to do with children's tantrums?

Think about yourself at this moment, find support in the body. If you manage to notice your emotions, track bodily sensations, and concentrate on them, then you will be able to remain for the baby the same adult who will protect and take care. It's not easy, it's a whole skill that takes effort, but it's important to try. Where does it pull, where does it whine, what hurts? Maybe a migraine happens, or clenched teeth? Notice these reactions of the body, observe them - and now you can breathe deeper, calmer.
If there are two parents, or nearby close people to whom the child is attached, then it makes sense for the most angry and confused one to simply step back, leave and calm down away from screams and tears.
Accept your helplessness. It happens that despair makes the parent panic and fuss, create unnecessary noise, which only increases the child's tantrum. "Wash you? Blow? Hug?". Sometimes you can give up. Well, he lies and cries on the floor. Maybe it's more comfortable to cry and suffer. And did you get on well? If you lie down next to me and whine quietly, the world will not collapse. And the child will be surprised.
It seems to many adults in such tense moments that all the other children in the world are beautiful, that they never behave so creepy that this particular child simply scoffs and acts up on them “for evil”.

If it was not possible to restrain parental anger, then it is worth explaining to the child later why the parents were angry, saying that it was not his fault, that he would grow up and such situations could be avoided. Almost certainly.

Ask an expert in the comments

Many parents sooner or later face tantrums in children. It seems that only he was happy, he played merrily, and now child throws a tantrum. What is it caused by? What does the child want?

What is hysteria?

Hysteria or children's whims is a feature of the child's behavior, expressed in unreasonable actions (from the point of view of adults), in unreasonable opposition to others, in the desire to do it one's own way, to insist on one's own.

Why child throws a tantrum?

For a child, screaming and crying is a proven tool in the fight for what he wants. There are no words for him: later, soon. The desire to get something now is so great that the child is not able to understand why it cannot be done now! And it does not matter at all what the child wants to receive, this will be enough to throw a tantrum. But again and again we push the child to throw tantrums. You are most likely familiar with such a situation, you are talking with a friend, and the child is calling you, pulling you by the hand. You do not pay attention to him, but as soon as the baby starts to roar, you immediately rush to calm him down! The child remembers how he managed to get attention from you and next time he will do exactly the same.

Thus, whims can take the form of habitual behavior in dealing with adults, especially with relatives, as the most effective means of achieving their goals.

Another reason for tantrums is the inability of the crumbs to cope with their emotions. When you refuse a baby, it can make him angry, he cannot cope with feelings, and therefore falls into hysterics.

The next reason is fatigue. We lingered in the supermarket, went for a long walk. It seems that the time was well spent, but the child again has tears. The child does not tolerate a change in the regime of the day, new places and strangers bring a lot of experiences and impressions to the crumbs. Therefore, the blame for this hysteria lies entirely with the parents.

How long will the tantrum last?

It is easier to stop a tantrum when it is just beginning, if the child has already dispersed, it is almost impossible to stop a tantrum. If it does come to this, keep yourself in control, it is important that you also do not succumb to emotions like a child. In a calm, firm voice, say: “When you calm down, we will talk with you, otherwise I don’t understand you” and leave the child alone. In this case:

Firstly, the child will understand that he will not achieve anything with his whims;

Secondly, without spectators it will be easier for him to calm down.

When the child calms down a little, the main thing for parents is not to make mistakes. The child can be taken by the hand, hugged, given a drink, but in no case should you remind the reasons for the tantrum. The child is more likely to forget everything.

How to avoid?

To prevent tantrums from arising, respect the increased demands of children! To overcome capriciousness, it is necessary to clearly identify the causes of its occurrence. Change the way you communicate with your child. Below I will list the most common mistakes adults make:

1) excessive guardianship of parents, suppressing the increased independence of the child. In this case, “whims of the offended” arise;

2) excessive caressing of the child, indulging all his whims. There are "whims minion";

3) lack of necessary care, indifference to both good and bad behavior. This also includes inconsistent demands from parents. There are "whims of the neglected".

As you can see, everything should be in moderation in education. Disagreements among family members in education have a particularly negative impact on the crumbs. You and the relatives who take part in the upbringing of the child should agree on what can and cannot be done to the baby. The child must clearly understand what he should not do, under any circumstances, and what punishment will follow for this.

When you forbid something, you yourself must be sure of the correctness of your act, not feel guilty. The child immediately feels if you doubt or regret, and increases the onslaught. Being friendly but firm is the best behavior! Children are more likely to agree with such parents, they more often have a desire to make moms and dads happy.

Spoiled child? How to re-educate read!

If you still feel that you yourself cannot cope with the whims of your beloved child, pay attention to the wonderful trainings of psychologist Elena Pyatnitskaya:

After completing the course, you:
Learn to quickly recognize the causes of disobedience.
Learn ways to prevent child protests.
Learn to understand your baby more easily and significantly improve your relationship with him.
Rethink your parenting practices.
Learn about quick and effective ways to prevent naughty child behavior and learn how to apply them;

What will you get from attending this training?

You will understand why the child rebels.
Understand situations that cause conflicts and learn how to prevent them.
Find out why the child sometimes "does not hear" the parents.
Learn to better understand your baby and his feelings.
Learn to manage your feelings and deal with negative emotions when talking to your child.
You can make your communication with your child more trusting.
Feel confident in yourself as a parent.