Our kids 

Why families break up. How to bring back old feelings and relationships that have cooled down

Most of us do not know the answer to the question of how to live without love in a relationship, and whether to live in them at all. First of all, fear interferes. We are afraid of loneliness, change, we are afraid of hurting ourselves and our partner. But at the same time, we passionately wish to be happy, and it is difficult to find happiness in life with an unloved person.

In such an important matter, one should not commit rash acts. It is necessary to weigh all the pros and cons, concentrating not on everyday factors, but on something without which they simply lose their meaning - on your feelings.

Tatyana Gavrilyak believes that, first of all, it is important to figure out whether you have really lost interest in your partner or whether unresolved questions and misunderstandings are affecting. Perhaps the first step towards resolving the dilemma can be a frank conversation with a partner. This will help you understand what feelings are gone, what is left and what joint efforts can be made: “It is worth distinguishing accumulated resentment and dissatisfaction from the lack of love. Sometimes such problems block everything pleasant that is, and it seems that you have stopped loving. It is impossible to fall out of love “suddenly”, something always precedes this. Talk to your man when you feel that emotions are no longer the same, when something is bothering you.

Am I to blame?

Falling out of love, many of us begin to experience guilt. It seems to us that we undeservedly hurt a loved one, deceive him, create the illusion of a relationship where there is none. According to the psychologist, such self-torture is fraught with problems in the future: “It is worth getting rid of guilt, if any. This feeling will not give rest in a new relationship. By bringing you back to past history, guilt will cause you to project past connections onto new ones. At the same time, it is difficult to fully enjoy the moment in which you are.

leave

It is difficult to make a decision about parting if your feelings cool down for no apparent specific reason (it became boring, did not agree on the characters, mired in everyday life). It should be understood that there are a number of factors that should not keep you close to an unloved person and raise the question of how to live without love. Attempts to explain your doubts by the presence of common children, material convenience and the desire to keep the stamp in the passport are more likely to indicate that you do not have enough confidence that you will cope with the situation, and not that it will be better for everyone.

Tatyana Gavrilyak is sure that we use a lot as excuses: “Clinging” to children, we do not notice our dependence on a partner and dysfunctional relationships. Children feel good when their parents are happy, whether they are together or not.”

Codependency often makes it difficult to give up unnecessary relationships. If you are familiar with the thoughts: “This is my cross, I have to carry it”, “He cannot be without me”, then you know perfectly well what it is. Co-dependent people are simply absorbed in the idea of ​​saving their neighbor, although in fact they are guided by the conviction that it is impossible to live happily without love. They give up themselves, their interests and desires in order to take care of another person. Their attention is concentrated outside themselves and is always directed to the one who is nearby. “In such a relationship, where one is dependent and the other is co-dependent, there is no love, there is a desire to fill their spiritual voids at the expense of a partner. Codependent people are afraid of loneliness, they are afraid of becoming useless to anyone. In such a family, the condition of partners only worsens with time,” Tatiana Gavrilyak is sure.

Fear of being alone

Most women hold on to a partner really out of fear of being alone. “The fear of being alone is a serious psychological problem. In fact, this is a denial of oneself as a separate person. Behind this fear are relationships based on a merger, when one person considers himself a part of another, the boundaries are mixed, and people become one,” explains Tatiana Gavrilyak.

Breaking off relationships with a long term, we really give up something. It's not just about physical love, in a couple we realize and get a lot of other things: communication, the need to take care and accept care, stability and reliability. To understand how true your decision to leave is, you need to answer yourself the questions: what exactly are you losing and how much you need now. If the decision has already been made, but you are afraid to act, remember that the end of the relationship is not the end of life, if now it is easier for you to live without love. “In fact, a break in relations is, of course, a loss, but our whole life does not depend on this, but only part of it,” adds the psychologist.

stay

For many years, common interests, values ​​and goals have kept people together. Perhaps your couple has not only a past, but also a future, if you can figure out and accept what is important for you and your partner today. Feeling that you have something "for two", you can become close in a different way. “The best way to maintain or renew a feeling is to develop emotional intimacy. It's hard to find something more important in a relationship. It is worth trying to look for a different quality of sincerity, to start speaking your new feelings honestly and completely, to tell the truth to yourself and your partner,” says Tatiana Gavrilyak.

How to find something new

The psychologist explains: “Love implies interest in another person, constant study, knowledge, daily acquaintance.” Therefore, if it seems to you that you know your man inside and out, first of all you need to get rid of this belief. Look at it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Perhaps this is what will help you look at your loved one with loving eyes again.

Not everyone makes the decision to “stay” by renewing their faded feelings. For some, respect, habit, and even pity is enough. How viable is such a relationship, says the psychologist: “Such couples are often quite strong. Relationships can be maintained even on mutual tension, and they turn out to be very strong, because they are built by two injured people who are trying to heal their injuries in this way. Both do not realize this and do not lose hope that everything will change. Since this is not possible, such bonds can last a lifetime. There is no need to talk about healthy relationships here: the point is not in long-term, but in quality.

When you find yourself at a crossroads, not knowing what to do when the relationship has exhausted itself, try to be as honest with yourself as possible. “We always want to maintain stability. This is primary, even if it causes discomfort. A lot of fears do not allow us to face reality, and we prefer not to change anything. It is important to see the situation from a position of truth, then it is possible to make the right decision,” advises Tatiana Gavrilyak.

25

Health 27.09.2015

Dear readers, today on my blog I have a topic that probably excites many of us: how to return the old feelings and relationships. How often do we remember romantic meetings, and then, having lived for a while, everything goes somewhere. Problems, worries, everyday life, finances, and now something is happening in the family ... Do you know the situation? I think, if you honestly answer this question, then each of us will say: "Familiar." Maybe there are happy families who manage to avoid this, but I personally have not met such families.

And at every stage of our relationship, it is not easy to return cooled feelings, to breathe a new, fresh stream into them. In my opinion, this is still more the work of a woman. We are endowed with sincerity, touching, we can understand a lot, forgive, we always want something new. A woman is a violin and a rod Men - for me, this is how family relationships are seen. And that's what Work is. I suggest that today we read, think, reflect, reflect and just work. Aren't we gladdened by the prospects of new relationships?

I myself am not a psychologist, but I really like such topics, read something and the most important thing, then do something, namely, apply a lot of what I read. Today, on the pages of my blog on the topic of the return of cooled feelings, psychologist Olga Tovpeko will reflect and share her thoughts. I give her the floor.

How to return the cooled old feelings and relationships?

Good afternoon, I am very pleased that Irina invited me to visit her blog. I hope that the conversation will be useful and interesting to many. Let's look at a typical female story...

“We come home from work, I run to the kitchen and start preparing dinner quickly. Then I take care of the children, and my husband, tired, sits down at a computer or tablet to read the news ... And so every day ... Sometimes I find myself thinking that all our communication comes down to solving household issues or discussing children's problems. There was no romance left in the relationship, no former interest. But once we could talk all night long about everything! .. "

Are you familiar with the situation when the relationship fades? When do they lose their taste and excitement in a series of troublesome everyday life? When the soul becomes hurt and hurt: where did the romance go? When you look at wedding photos, you remember how it all began and you are amazed: is it really us? And so you want to return the old relationship, but how? And is it possible?

This problem - cold feelings and boredom in a relationship - can take a serious toll on them. After all, if we don’t get joy from relationships, then we can draw the most categorical conclusions: I’m not on my way with this person.

And this is not just a life observation. Statistics confirm that the main reason for divorces is not conflicts and quarrels, but, on the contrary, lost interest and almost no communication with each other. Research in Canada, based on a survey of several hundred couples, has confirmed that it is cold feelings and boredom that are the main reason why a marriage breaks up.

Bored in a relationship. What to do and how to return the old feelings?

If you are faced with this situation, then I have two news for you. One is good and the other is so-so (although the first is impossible without it!).

I'll start with the last one. The bad news is that since all the mechanisms in a relationship are triggered by a woman’s hand, most of the responsibility for the “tarnishing” of a relationship lies with us.

The same circumstance gives us good news! If you understand the laws of relationships and manage them competently, then very soon they will sparkle with new colors, which means that you will feel loved and desired in them again!

If you've read this far, then you're ready for it! But in order to return the old relationship, first you need to figure out the reasons - how does it happen that they begin to fade, become gray and boring ...

Let's go from the opposite. What did you get when there was brightness in your relationship? Feeling loved and desired. Feeling of understanding and unity. The opportunity to share your feelings and be accepted. You experienced different experiences and experienced intense emotions from the time spent together. Where did it all go?

There are 3 gradual reasons for the cooling of feelings

1. Unpreparedness for "grounding" . Any couple eventually moves to the stage of solving everyday issues. An apartment, a job, money, children and a heaped life - all this requires constant and daily “monitoring”, pragmatism and endurance. Were you ready for socks or gas prices to be the topic you discuss in bed before going to sleep?
An internal protest against the end of the courtship and the first romantic years is the first step towards boredom.

2. The second reason is perfectionism and high expectations . Because we were not fully accepted as children, we learned not to accept others. We build thousands of beautiful pictures about what should be and how it should be.
How should my husband react when I tell him about my experiences. How he should look, what and with what facial expression to answer. We are waiting for help and support, while remaining silent. We cannot humanly explain to our husband what is important for us to receive from him.

Detailed, detailed expectations - endless and exhausting - do not give us the opportunity to get closer to the real person - our own husband, to know and accept him for who he is. Learn how to properly convey to him what is important to us. Learn to listen to him and understand his needs.

3. A natural and direct consequence of constant expectations - displacement of responsibility . Therefore, the third reason is how much you know how to take care of yourself and realize yourself as a couple.

When we get into a relationship, we often subconsciously think, “Now I have someone to take care of me. Now you can relax!”
We expect a man to take care of us at all levels: on the bodily (to look after, give rest and preferably sponsor), on the emotional (understand and accept, support and admire), on the intellectual (start up interesting conversations, develop himself and entertain us).

And now the question. To what extent do you take care of yourself on all these levels?

  • On the body: to what extent do you feed your body with the right food and give it care? To what extent do you give your body rest and weighted load?
  • On the emotional : to what extent do you support, accept and understand yourself? Do you know what you want and where you are going? Do you accept your shortcomings and accept yourself as a whole person? Do you find timely support and comfort for the soul?
  • On intellectual : to what extent do you develop yourself and realize your talents and abilities, plans and ambitions?

It is important to understand that it is our responsibility to satisfy the needs of our body and soul, intellect and spirit.

But what does boredom have to do with it and how can you return the old relationship?

Give me one more minute and I'll explain this relationship...Ready to hear the truth?
If you do not realize yourself at all these levels, then the husband will be guilty. This means that resentment will begin to appear, discontent will accumulate, and it will become more and more difficult for you to open up in a pair, to be sincere.

If you do not open up, then your relationship will very soon become superficial - it will revolve at the level of routine, daily hustle and bustle and slowly become covered with dust. Relationships will leave intimacy, and when this happens, boredom always appears on the threshold ...

Summing up, we come to the conclusion that boredom in a relationship is not just a sign that you have not gone to a cafe or traveled out of town for a long time. Believe me, you can go shopping together in Paris every weekend, or travel from one place on the planet to another, but boredom will follow you around.

Brightness and romance in relationships, their liveliness are not at all due to cheerful and colorful events (although they are also important!). They are connected with the closeness and depth of your relationship, with how much you realize yourself in them, how much you can be
yourself. And this is not possible if you live in resentment, claims and discontent ...

I emphasize once again that boredom in a relationship is the inability (or unwillingness) to be yourself, to talk about what you want, to express yourself the way you want, to share thoughts and plans, interests and desires.

Boredom is the closed oxygen in a relationship, when everyone is closed in something of their own, and there is no real, living flow of genuine and refreshing common - namely, closeness, interest and curiosity in each other's life.

How do we usually see the situation when our feelings cool down?

Misinterpreting the situation further exacerbates it. What are our thoughts when we get bored in a relationship? Usually we think that the reason is in him (my husband) or in her (my wife).

We perceive a partner as the source of all our joys and, accordingly, all misfortunes, losing sight of one small detail: routine is a natural part of our life, and boredom in a relationship is only a certain and natural stage. So it's not all that scary!

Understanding the laws of relationships, you can easily and beautifully use this difficult, but necessary stage to deepen relationships. Although many prefer it at this point to get out of them.

Let's move on to the answer to the main question: how to return cooled feelings to our relationship?

First of all, it is important to understand: relationships are “plastic material”, and the man in them quickly and sensitively reacts to our changes. Therefore, depending on how you change and open up, so will your relationship develop. And it's great that we can fix them only by changing ourselves, and not trying in vain to fix someone!

Algorithm of 5 steps, how to return the old relationship in a pair:

1. I cannot tell you directly: get rid of illusions, expectations and idealizations, because I understand that this is impossible. And then I offer you a healthy alternative: try to “unstick” your expectations and your real man. Separate your expectations from what it is. And to be curious: what drives him? What does he feel? How is he now? What does he want?

Change of focus of perception - a very healing remedy. When we get stuck on ourselves and in ourselves, we only fall into the trap of our own resentment, seeing everything in black: he simply does not love me. I'm sure it's not! Love is more than just the satisfaction of needs.

2. Ask yourself: what do i really want? What am I missing? What causes relationships to fade in my eyes? What would make them juicy and alive for me? Write it all down on paper, point by point, so that thoughts do not get confused in your head, so that you better understand yourself, figure out what you are missing for happiness.

3. Now go through all the points. What a small but real step you can take to move towards a more joyful and fulfilling relationship? What can be done at the level of events (where to go, where to be), skills and abilities (what to do, how to do it), values ​​and interests (what unites us, in what we touch souls) can be done? Initiate one step for each item within the same week without delay.

4. Seize the right moment and try talking to your husband what is going on. Share your feelings (only without reproaches and claims), tell us what is important to you and what is missing.

Ask if he notices something similar in your relationship, how he feels. Perhaps the husband will say that for him everything is happening as usual, and he does not suffer from the fact that something is missing. In this case - don't be embarrassed - women are always more sensitive to details.

Offer your husband some specific and realistic idea that you think will freshen up the relationship, and ask him for help.

5. Learn to open up in relationships . You will say: yes, he just does not want to listen to me. He is only interested in the news... Maybe it is. However, the devil is in the details. For a conversation, choose the right moment and, most importantly, the right attitude. Often we are initially set up for disappointment and then we build a conversation in such a way that this expectation is only justified. Start a discussion from the state “I am good, and you are good” and you will see that the man will not be indifferent.

Finally, I would like to add that relationships cannot remain boring if you start working on them - learn to be softer and more flexible, give up detailed expectations, start asking for help and support more and gladly accept them, be observant to yourself and your man.

Then the relationship turns first into a real intricate detective story, and then into an adventure novel, where you are no longer a passive observer, as before. You will discover so many new facets in your relationship that you will definitely not be bored!

Olga Tovpeko, candidate of psychological sciences, author and head of the project “School of Psychology for Moms” mamaschool.info, author of trainings and psychological quests for moms.

I thank Olga for the information. It was very interesting for me to read everything. I think that the plan of action has already been outlined ....

My spiritual gift for today will be Secret Garden – Chaconne Secret Garden is an Irish-Norwegian duo. Classical pair - keyboards and violin. In the hands of these talented performers, true magic is born. Those who read our magazine "Fragrances of Happiness" probably remember my article "The Secret Garden of the Soul". I chose this composition in the article not by chance. Let's go back to the beginning of the article... Remember my words about the Violin Woman and the Pivot Man? I think that this duet is exactly like that.

In life, everything is so fleeting, so changeable and impermanent that sometimes you are surprised: how quickly events, incidents, people in human life change. Yesterday's hobbies are being replaced by new ones, and until recently, such emotions dear to a person are no longer relevant today. This happens with the most sincere, intimate and large-scale human feeling - love. Where does love go?

How to understand that love is no more

Today, it is often possible to observe the separation of couples in love. Relationships stop both with young people who have recently met each other, and with lovers who have been living in a civil marriage for quite a long time, and even with husband and wife who have been married for decades. All this happens for various reasons, but the basis of the conflict situation of most of them is the cooling of feelings for each other.

How to understand that love has passed? There are a number of certain signs in one's own feelings and perception of what is happening in a relationship that are harbingers of a gradual fading of emotional attraction to a loved one:

  • lack of desire to spend more time together;
  • ignoring any small requests or demands from the second half;
  • manifestation of some indifference to a loved one, inattention to him;
  • lack of intimacy or extremely infrequent sexual relations;
  • the emergence of new interests that contradict common, previously frequently used hobbies;
  • boredom and monotony in spending time together;
  • lack of former tenderness and warmth.

If at least a few of these characteristic factors of interaction between young people are felt on an intuitive or subconscious level, this means that the feeling of love has disappeared or is rapidly eluding them.

Reasons for the fading of love

For what reasons and when does love pass in a couple in a relationship? An emotional barrier based on the cessation of people's radiation of mutual sincere feelings of attraction and attraction arises on the verge of a possible misunderstanding, loss of common values ​​or loss of interest in each other. Why it happens? This may be preceded by the following prerequisites for the family life of young people:

  • addiction and the gradual development of love into a habit;
  • eradication of feelings due to treason;
  • constant attempts of the spouses to remake each other and crush each other under their leadership principles;
  • accumulation of hidden grievances;
  • regular quarrels with or without;
  • disrespect for mutual feelings and flirting on the side (even if it is without consequences).

Where do feelings go?

The crisis in the relationship of lovers often does not allow them to find the root of the problem on their own. Where does love go? Psychologists explain the reasons for the loss of former feelings based on a specific situation, but state the fact of a general conditional problem lurking in the banal loss of interest of both partners in each other or one of them in relation to the other. The fact is that feelings do not go away for no reason. This happens either as a result of the appearance of a new object of emotional and physical attraction, or is realized after the fact already on a specific one. In other words, if it does not concern a new love, a person does not immediately understand that he has cooled down to the second half. And here it is important enough to catch the turning point of the extinction of the love family hearth in order to try to fight the leaving feelings and establish warm relations.

How to deal with leaving feelings

It happens that for some reason a person begins to feel a loss of interest in his partner or, conversely, to feel some kind of weightless indifference and inattention on his part. At such moments, it seems that love is gone. What to do? Long-term relationships without moments of betrayal and obvious conflict grounds require a mandatory struggle for oneself and attempts to reanimate past feelings. How to prevent love from passing completely:

  • start spending more time together;
  • go somewhere together in nature or on an outing with an extreme sport - a portion of new sensations will not hurt in working to strengthen relationships;
  • print an album with old joint photos and put it at home in a conspicuous place to periodically flip through and remember the good moments spent together;
  • diversifying your sex life - not everyone knows, but intimacy in a relationship has an incredibly powerful force, and a relationship built on sexual compatibility can keep a couple in union much longer than anything else.

Is it worth it to resist the departure of love

If love has passed for some tangible and noticeable reason - treason, drunkenness, assault - then it makes sense to think about whether it is worth resisting the fading of feelings. After all, that unpleasant energy, those strongest negative impulses that were felt during negative family scenes - they tend to sweep through the hearts and souls of people throughout life. This will pop up in the mind every time there is some kind of resonance or another family disagreement. So is it worth keeping such bonds afloat?

How to improve relationships if love is gradually disappearing

Sometimes people are not able to easily part with their partners in life, even in the case of specific jambs committed by their halves. They wonder if there was love at all. Was there a place in the soul that feeling that united two people into a single whole and now disappeared without a trace, leaving some kind of fragile connection in the form of attachment or habit? There are individuals who by their nature are inveterate conservatives. So, under no pretext they accept sharp and abrupt turns in their lives. And for them there is nothing worse than change. Was there love, was it not, did it leave without a trace or is it a temporary clouding of the mind - they are not ready to give an affirmative answer to the question of parting and are able to improve their relationship with their beloved by any means.

How to do it? The psychology of modernity offers somewhat non-standard, but quite effective methods in working on oneself and one's attitude. Writing a list of your partner's positive qualities on a piece of paper and rereading it at the first thought of breaking up is one way to work on seeing your loved one in a positive way. Or draw a cliff on paper, on both sides of which depict yourself and your loved one, and mark the rungs of the rope ladder above the cliff from both sides every time one of the two takes a step towards strengthening family relationships. The result will be a fairly transparent picture of who needs these relationships more and who values ​​them.

How to prepare a person for confession of cooled feelings

If the final feeling comes that love is over and there is no turning back, you need to gently and correctly inform your partner about the upcoming separation. Having prepared a place in advance in a cozy atmosphere and be sure to outline the reasons for your departure as softly as possible, you need to inform your interlocutor about the break. It is important to let him understand why this happened, and calmly, without screams and reproaches, explain that the further continuation of coexistence does not make sense.

How to prevent possible cooling of feelings in advance

No one knows in advance how their relationship will develop in the future. People meet, fall in love, get married, live. Then there comes a moment when one of the two suddenly gets the feeling that love is gone. What to do? The sudden causes of the fading of love have already been discussed earlier. But in order to try to avoid the attenuation of the hearth of the most pleasant emotions and feelings between people, it is necessary to feed them with positive joint moments. Minimize conflicts, stop rebuilding and bending each other, be attentive to each other and show mutual respect - the foundation of human relations is based on mutual understanding and trust, this should not be forgotten.

What to do when love is gone

If it so happened that feelings died, and attempts to glue the broken were unsuccessful, you need to accept and let go of the situation. One love has passed, it will definitely be replaced by new meetings, new acquaintances, new hobbies and a new meaning of life. You can’t lose heart, give up, return to unloved people again and again because of habit or pity - this will still not lead to happiness. After all, love is given to humanity for that, so that it is possible to feel the best and most charming emotional experiences and give each other that feeling that can kindle spiritual fires and fasten bonds with unbridled passion.

Love is a high and beautiful feeling, but often not eternal. Not everyone is able to realize in time that she has weakened and protracted relationships have not brought joy for a long time. Unfortunately, we often realize this too late, when it is not easy to break the connection with a partner - albeit already unloved. the site lists 13 signs that love has left your once happy couple, and it's time for you to think about how to end the romance.

When a woman has been dating a man for a long time, then most likely her natural desire is to marry him. Of course, there are many couples who do not want to legitimize their relationship for a variety of reasons, but in such cases, partners usually make this decision together. But what if for many years you have been in a relationship that not only does not go to the wedding - they simply do not develop? Is this not your man and is it time to move on?

Ending a long-term relationship is never easy, especially if you've invested too much in it.

However, if you began to notice that a long-term romance gradually began to turn into a habit of being together, perhaps this is an occasion to think that love has passed.

Unfortunately, in life it often happens that feelings gradually fade away, unable to withstand quarrels, partings, difficulties, distances, changes or everyday problems. It is not easy to admit this not only to your partner, but, first of all, to yourself. It takes some people a long time to realize that love is no longer about your couple. So how do you know when it's time to end a long-drawn-out, pointless relationship?

He always has excuses

When everything was just beginning, your man ran to you at the first call, but now ... Either he works late, then he feels unwell, then his friend needs urgent help. In general, he finds dozens of reasons not to see you or not to fulfill your request.

Of course, people don't have to quit their jobs just to please you. However, if the situation repeats itself constantly, this may indicate that the partner has cooled off towards you.

Sex has changed

Do you remember the last time you had sex? Every time you lie in bed and start kissing your loved one, does he turn away with the words: “I'm tired”? Of course, in every couple there are periods of "calm" - a streak of failures at work, health problems of loved ones and other stressful situations can weaken your sexual desire for a while.

However, if the “black streak” has dragged on for a sufficiently long period, this is a reason to think: maybe you are no longer attracted to each other?

There is another situation. There is sex, but it has ceased to suit you: it is no longer lovemaking, but a set of mechanically performed movements. The main goal of your partner has become to satisfy only himself, but not you? Well, he doesn't seem to be interested in the emotional side of his relationship with you anymore.

He doesn't want a shared future

Has your man said outright that he doesn't want to get married, but are you still hoping to "re-educate" him? Unfortunately, many women think so. Believe me, if he says that he is not going to marry, then it is so.

Family psychologist Paul Coleman claims to have counseled dozens of women caught in a web of sticky, unproductive relationships, and he deduced one axiom: she always gets a warning before she gets caught in the net. In this case, this is a direct and without concealment confession of unwillingness to start a family. “There is a type of personality in which a person only does what he gives, but does not receive anything in return. If you neglect your feelings, desires (in this case, marriage), thoughts for the sake of relationships, then you need to run away from them, ”the expert says.

He doesn't ask

When someone asks a question to another person, this is a sure sign that the interlocutor is interesting to him. It is clear that in the first months of dating, your man tried to get to know you better and asked what films you watch and what literature you prefer. However, it is worth paying attention to something else. Does he ask how you are doing, how your day went, what your boss said about the project you completed, and whether the dish you chose at the restaurant was delicious? When your man stops asking these kinds of questions, it's a sure sign that he doesn't want to take care of you.

You gave up what you loved

Have you given up career opportunities, interesting acquaintances, friendships - all for the sake of another person? “Looking back, you realize that you do not have many things that would make you happy - for example, a good job, study, favorite hobby. As a rule, those who behave in this way are forced to be content with little.

This style of behavior becomes so natural for people in unhealthy relationships that they cannot imagine what it is like to live their own life,” Dr. Coleman comments on the problem. If you feel like life is passing you by, run away from this relationship before you miss out on something truly important!

You are in this relationship for no reason

Many people continue to date each other for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with how they feel. Are you staying with this guy because it's time to get married? Because all your girlfriends have already visited the registry office? Or maybe you just can't find a more suitable man? If the above, and not at all the pleasure of being close to a person, are your main motives, it's time to think, do you love him?

None of you are making an effort

In order for the relationship to be harmonious, both partners must make certain efforts and think over how and where they spend their time together. Of course, immediately after meeting you, everything turns out by itself - you are easy and comfortable together, and you try to spend every minute of your free time together.

Over time, butterflies disappear from the stomach, and you have to find time for meetings. This in itself, of course, is not a reason for parting, but it is precisely because of the lack of joint pastime that many relationships end. If you do not want to plan a common leisure time, then this only means that your feelings are gradually fading away.

Cancellation of plans

You have long planned a joint vacation, a trip to the theater, a concert or a trip to someone's parents. However, recently your partner began to evade your clarifying questions about the upcoming event and say that you still have a lot of time to resolve the issue ... Of course, there is no need to panic yet, but psychologists say that this may be one of the signs of cooling in relationship. If at this point you recognize yourself, then it's time to think about why you don't want to spend time with your man.

Your inner voice tells you to leave

How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? Sometimes you just know it. True, in order to take your inner voice seriously, you must be in harmony with yourself.

Honestly answer yourself the question: “Should I continue to be with this person?”.

If you are in doubt, ask yourself hundreds of times, and are also interested in the opinions of friends, mom and colleagues, then definitely not worth it: you probably just fell out of love. Psychologists also advise you to rate how happy you are with your partner on a scale of one to one hundred. If less than seventy, then you should probably break up with your partner.

The bad outweighs the good

When one of the partners makes the second feel unhappy, controls him or destroys self-esteem - this suggests that there is no question of any love on his part. In this case, there is no other way out of the situation than to leave. Some relationships do not bring joy to either side, and you must be honest with yourself first of all - this is simply not your man.

You justify this relationship all the time

"He's not that bad... He has his strengths" - this is the phrase most often heard by family therapists. Relationship experts say that women who use these lines are well aware that the relationship is over, but simply can't admit it to themselves. Many of the fair sex feel the difference in their outlook on life with a partner, but still for some reason convince themselves that everything is not so bad.

According to psychologists, when a person has doubts about the appropriateness of the novel, but at the same time he is not ready to leave, he is looking for excuses to stay, because this is the easiest way. Which, however, leads nowhere.

you lost yourself

If you find that in just a couple of years the relationship has changed internally beyond recognition, this is a signal to think about whether it is time to do something. Of course, changing is normal, but if you no longer remember yourself before meeting your partner, this should alert you. Answer the question honestly for yourself: “Did these changes positively affect my character and well-being, or did I just do everything to make this person love me?”. If you lean more towards the second option, you need to end the relationship.

You evaluate relationships based only on the past or the future.

We all love to remember happy moments from the past - there is nothing wrong with that. However, one must know the measure - most of us, unfortunately, forget about it when it comes to a failed romance. It is common for many to devalue the bad present, because in the past the partner was almost an ideal: he wore it in his arms, and paid attention, and cared.

“Now he has changed, but everything will definitely return to normal,” we console ourselves. Will not come back.

The other extreme is to rely on the future. You fantasize that when your man gets rich/stops drinking/marries you/becomes a father, everything will change and your relationship will be completely different - much better than now. In a word, enjoy the illusory hope that tomorrow he will play by different rules, turn into an ideal man. According to psychologists, it is precisely because of such self-deception that many women “hang out” in relationships that they don’t really need. If you recognize yourself in these examples, we advise you to think about it, because in fact you love the wrong man who is next to you.

Svetlana Rumyantseva

Love is the strongest feeling that has an innumerable number of shades. She is blamed when her heart breaks, hated when her life is ruined. It connects destinies and gives bright moments of happiness. But love has one big, fatal flaw: it leaves. Drop by drop, past feelings in relationships that have developed many years ago are leaking. The love fever among passionate couples instantly fades away. So why did romantics sing of love as an eternal feeling? Why did theologians exalt it, why did philosophers argue about it? She inspired writers, artists, musicians with her inconstancy, play of contrasts. Why is such a meaningful feeling so short-lived, and how to understand that love has passed? For clarity, let's separate the concepts.

About love and love

Falling in love is an unstable, unstable, stormy feeling. It comes suddenly, hits the head with the intoxication of feelings, intoxicates the mind. And human nature, hormones, pheromones are to blame. Reproduction is the basis of permanence. It is supported by natural. Here, even a prince, even a beggar, everything is one: a clouded consciousness does not make out to whom the heart so passionately reaches out. Or maybe not a heart at all. Passion passes as suddenly as it comes. A person sobers up, but only a love hangover has not been canceled. That's why it's so bad, that's why former couples toil.

Love is a stable, constant, reasonable feeling. They plunge into it with full dedication and understanding. Loving people soberly look at their soul mate, see, know habits and inclinations, respect the freedom of a partner, care, worry. In a love union, addiction is not painful.

Falling in love is a bright flash of fireworks, and love is a warm center of constancy.

Has the love faded?

The feeling of falling in love is accompanied by powerful experiences. How wonderful it is to feel uplifted, and how painful it is to fall into harsh reality! There are two ways to get out of love.

breaking

She is a frequent companion of the young, inexperienced, who fell in love for the first time. It is painful to watch how dream castles collapse, failed marriages break up, invented children are not born. Having succumbed to love attraction for the first time, young people build a new universe around the object of feelings, it becomes the center of the universe. A person in love develops a sense of dependence, which complicates the exit from the relationship. The terrible moment of the first parting is the inability to admit the illusory nature of the invented world. A man in love thinks that life cannot go on without a lover. But what are?

Young people are hurt by shattered dreams. The exit from the first relationship is the road of the unknown. How to live on? If you grab onto your ex-lover as the only bulwark of stability, then the feelings are gone. There are fears of a new life.

A common occurrence is . The status "In love with ..." changes to "It's complicated." Trying to delay the inevitable causes even more suffering. And the feelings can't be returned. The old admiration is gone, the interest is gone. One obsessive and natural in its selfishness thought pulsates in my head: “But what about me?” I want to prove my importance to my loved one in the past, to hit harder.

Some couples choose the tactics of alternating breakups and reconciliations, artificially inflaming feelings.

Quarrels happen in every couple, but when they become commonplace, the seriousness of the relationship must be forgotten.

Another category subject to sensual breakdown is people who are prone to deep inner experiences and stable feelings. They masterfully heat up the internal tension. Suffering becomes proof of "true love." In fact, experiences come down to egocentric thoughts and the creation of an elevated image of a martyr.

gradual cooling

With each time, love passes more imperceptibly. The body seems to develop immunity. The subconscious mind builds new defense mechanisms designed to isolate a person from difficult experiences. Feelings dissolve imperceptibly. Life goes on smoothly. Everything is as usual, if not for a couple of unusual discoveries:

Thoughts became clearer. Previously, you thought about your beloved every moment, could not concentrate on business and work, spent free minutes sending another love message. Now you can easily switch to solving important tasks and occasionally remember the former object of admiration.
You spend more time with yourself, family, friends. Now you do not run, as before, to meet your beloved. You have time for your favorite series, hobby or evening in front of the computer.
You notice imperfections that you haven't seen before. The ideal image of the beloved collapses and is replaced by a more realistic one.

These manifestations can become both a signal of the fading of love, and a transitional stage between a fleeting attraction and a serious feeling. Between and moderate cooling lies a huge gap. When the fever of love passes, it becomes possible to examine a person better, to feel him, to know him again. It takes time for love to flare up. Relationships should end if a person is perceived as a stranger, and next to him there is a feeling of discomfort and tension.

5 signs of past love

The time for falling in love has long passed, and feelings have passed into a serious stage of constancy. Years go by, people change, conditions of life change. The world is unstable. Love refers to feelings of high, but, unfortunately, not eternal. There are rarely lucky people who met a couple for life. Feelings do not withstand life, parting, change. Under comfortable conditions, love develops into affection. Sometimes spouses are united by common children or difficulties experienced together. Such a marriage is similar to a friendly union, where love obligations are absent or minimized.

But how to determine that love has faded?

Man is a thing. Once upon a time, a loved one has become an everyday household item, like a table or a sofa. Without it, it’s bad, uncomfortable, uncomfortable, but not fatal. In the end, you can always buy a new table, perhaps it will even be better than the old one.

Lack of points of contact. Communication is kept to a minimum. Stories about joint adventures and trips do not warm the soul. Old memories are irritating. New themes are hard to come by. Sometimes conversations are reduced to domestic issues. The couple spends time separately from each other. Joint trips to the park, cinema, theater have long been forgotten. And even sleeping in the same bed is no longer a pleasure.

Sensual discomfort. Being in the company of a once loved person becomes uncomfortable. There is shame, embarrassment, irritation, a feeling of humiliation. There is a desire to hide or leave. The quarrel turns into a saving event that allows you not to talk for several days on legal grounds of the offended party. Habits that were previously perceived as something natural cause irritation and anger. The fading of feelings is accompanied by bashful awkwardness, and serious conversations are shelved.

Untouchables. The person you love wants to be touched. Physical intimacy is essential. This does not mean that every evening you need to arrange violent sex marathons. Each couple has their own schedule of intimate relationships. The main thing is mutual pleasure.

If the partner’s touches are indifferent or unpleasant, this is an alarming bell. Without hugs and kisses, it is difficult to imagine a full-fledged love union.

A sudden feeling of rejection indicates problems in the relationship.

It is impossible to find a feeling lighter and stronger than love. Fragile and strong at the same time, it acquires special value in the moments of parting. But do not despair if the relationship is at an impasse. The next love will give bright feelings and reveal new facets.

April 18, 2014