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Examples of encouraging and punishing children. Measures of influence (encouragement and punishment) in family education. List of used literature

Tasks:

  • Increasing the psychological competence of parents
  • Familiarizing parents with the principles of using rewards and punishments;
  • Contribute to the creation in the family of a favorable atmosphere for the development of the child;
  • Prevention of deviations in the behavior of children.

The program is calculated for parents of children from 3 to 10 years old, as well as their close relatives.

Forms of work: mini-lectures, group exercises, independent work; questions to listeners; situations for analysis.

Preparatory work: questionnaire of parents (Annex 1)

Equipment: tape recorder, Whatman paper, markers, audio cassette with relaxation music.

Cabinet decoration

  • When a child feels supported, he learns to be confident.

<Рис.1>.

  • If he lives in an atmosphere of hostility, he learns to fight.


<Рис. 2>.

  • When a child feels approved, he learns to respect himself.


<Рис. 3>.

2. Drawings of children.

Meeting progress

Light music sounds. Parents sit in a circle.

Psychologist: Good evening, dear parents! I am glad that you found the time to come to the next meeting of our club. Today we will talk about such a familiar and at the same time very personal topic as punishment of children. Each of us has our own experience on this topic: both for children and for parents.

Let's remember our rules for working in a group:

  1. Confidential communication style.
  2. Communication on the principle of “here and now” (talk only about what worries the participants at the moment, and discuss what is happening in the group).
  3. Sincerity in communication (say only what we really feel, or be silent; openly express our feelings in relation to the actions of other participants).
  4. Activity, constant participation in work.
  5. Inadmissibility of direct assessments of a person.

Greetings (group introduction):

Each participant states his name and describes himself as a parent with three adjectives.

Psychologist: Nowadays, among teachers, and among parents (if you look at the results of the questionnaire (Appendix 2)) there are a variety of views on the use of rewards and punishments in the upbringing of children. Some believe that it is necessary to use rewards as often as possible, and punish only occasionally. Some people think that they should only be encouraged and not punished at all. And there are those who are convinced that true upbringing is upbringing without any rewards or punishments at all.

Let's start our meeting by trying to answer the following questions:

  • What punishments and rewards were used in your parental families?
  • How did you feel about them as a child?
  • How do you feel about them now?
  • Which ones have had the greatest impact on you?

A person assimilates 10% of what he hears, 50% of what he sees, 70% of what he says himself, 90% of what he does. Using this principle, let's move on to the next part of our meeting.

Group discussion of the topic"The influence of punishment on the behavior of the child."

Group members are divided into two subgroups:

1st subgroup - supporters of punishment; 2nd - opponents.

Small group members write their arguments on a large piece of paper. The first group writes down the arguments "for" the punishment, the second - "against".

Are there acceptable and unacceptable physical punishment? Or are they all banned?

Psychologist: Corporal punishment is unacceptable in any situation, in any form. Parental behavior is a role model for the child. Parents, showing their child their incontinence, cannot teach him self-control, do not instill in him the ability to cope with negative emotions. One of the undesirable results of frequent beating is that the child begins to see in him a way to pour out the accumulated anger and solve the problem.

Children, against whom physical punishment is often used, do not at all assess it as something terrible, undesirable, they get used to it, perceiving it as an aggressive reaction of adults. Thus, for them it loses its pedagogical function.

Punishment is not an action on the part of an adult, but what happens to the punished child, what he experiences at the same time. The goal is not to drown the child, but to save through forgiveness.

Punishment has a threefold meaning. First, it must correct the harm caused by bad behavior. Secondly, punishment helps to ensure that such actions are not repeated. The third meaning is to remove the guilt from the child.

Discussion of situations.

1. Now let's discuss this situation:

Situation 1 - beat(read by a psychologist).

A five-year-old boy ran up to the girl, hit her and ran away, grabbing a bucket and a shovel. The boy's mother pounced on her son, spanking and shouting: “This will help you understand how bad it is to beat those who are younger!”.

Did the parent do the right thing? Why can't a child understand why he can't fight? In what way did the mother try to prove to her son that he was wrong and to get him to obey? How did the child feel?

The following situations are numbered and written on pieces of paper. Parents take turns choosing a sheet, acquainting others with the text and voicing the proposed question. Parents are divided into 2 groups: "PARENT", "CHILD", and additionally answer the following questions: "What did the child feel?" (Parents), "Did the parent do the right thing?" (Child).

After discussing the method of punishment, they refer it to effective or useless methods of raising a child. The results are entered into a table at the stand (Appendix 3).

Situation 2 - call names, threaten.

“Where have you been, I'm asking you ?! Again with the parasite Vitka ?! Talk some more, talk more, liar. Once again I will see someone's footprints on the carpet - you will get it from me! ”

Situation 3 - to assign “orders out of turn”.

Mother-child dialogue:

- Seryozha, why are you late?

- Mom, we made a huge snowman.

- So some kind of snowman is dearer to you than your mother's health? I told you that I will worry if you do not come on time.

- Mom, we could have lost to the guys from the house across the street!

“I don’t want to hear anything!” For not coming when you promised, bring out the bucket and sweep the floor.

The participants in the discussion, looking for positive moments in the mother's behavior, note that she is trying to find out the reason, but does not listen to what the child says. She talks about her feelings, but in the form of notation, which is not accepted by the boy. Do you think the punishment is fair? Out-of-order outfits instill an aversion to work and, in large doses, to life. "What did the child feel?" (Parents), "Did the parent do the right thing?" (Child).

Situation 4 - Express disapproval.

Back in the nursery, my mother saw that the bottom of the curtain looked like a fringe. She guessed that her son tried to check if the fabric was cut easily. She sat down on a chair next to the boy and said: “You did wrong. I am saddened by your deed. "

Did the mother punish the child? What way did she use to assess his deed?

(Experts call this method of punishment direct disapproval. Assessing, we instill in the child: nothing will come of you, you are incorrigible. In this case, the child either accepts the imposed role, or does not accept the role of a bully, a traitor and fights. How? I do not want.)

Is there a difference in the following statements: “You are bad” and “You did badly”?

The psychologist suggests that parents replace the variants of the proposed statement with the correct one:

- You are cruel - …

- You are dirty - ...

The psychologist gives an idea of ​​the techniques and methods of expression by adults of their feelings and emotions through the languages ​​“I-statement” and “You-statement”.

"You are the saying" contains a negative assessment of another person, often an accusation, which causes resistance and protest (“Stop talking!”, “Clean the room immediately!”). Speaking of this kind negatively affects the self-esteem and level of claims of the other person. The child usually responds to such statements with resentment, protection.

"I am the statement" characterized by a description of one's own feelings and experiences in relation to a given situation without evaluative characteristics of the child's behavior. By expressing our feelings without orders, we leave it to the child to make a decision for himself, taking into account the experiences of adults. " I am the statement "- this is a message about your feelings, it rarely provokes a protest, because it does not contain accusations (“I'm not happy that the room is not cleaned. What can be done to clean it?”).

Practical exercises. Training in building “I am statements”.

“You are a statement” can be said by the presenter (psychologist).

Problem You are the message I am the message
The son (daughter) cannot learn the verse. What are you just thinking about?
Is it hard for you to remember?
You will bring me to the grave ...		 Let's figure it out together ...
I hope that if you try, everything will work out ...
The child rudely replied to your remark. When will you learn to talk to your parents?
You are always daring!		 It hurts me to hear that.
I think you were just in a hurry.
In my opinion, you can be more respectful towards me.
Bad behavior You always behave badly! I am offended by this behavior.
You know how to be different, so be more restrained next time.

Parents discuss the proposed dialogues.

Situation 5(not on the card) - build an I-message.

How many times you invite your daughter to dinner. She replies: “Now,” and continues to do her business. You get angry.

What are your words? Choose the answer options that would be more effective in your opinion, justify:

- Yes, how many times do you have to say!

- I get angry when I have to repeat the same thing!

- It makes me angry when you disobey.

Situation 6 - cancel the ritual.

Every time she walked, Masha began to eat snow. Mom tried many different ways to wean the girl, but nothing helped. One day my mother came up with an idea.

- Masha, you can't eat snow.

- Why?

- You will have a sore throat.

- So what?

- Since the snack is so delicious, I will not bake your favorite apple pie today.

How did you like mom's idea?

Depriving a child of something pleasant and expected is a more effective punishment. You should always have a stock of big and small holidays. Come up with a few activities, family affairs, traditions that will create a zone of joy. Make them regular so that the child will wait for them and know that they will definitely come if he does not do something bad. Cancel them if the offense is really tangible. However, do not threaten to cancel them over trifles. For example: walking, going to the circus, reading books at night, watching cartoons - all this can become a ritual for a child.

After discussing the proposed situations, the psychologist introduces the parents to the memo “If the child is guilty” (Appendix 4).

Of course, these tips, proven by practice, cannot be perceived by everyone unequivocally as a guide to action and can be changed with the help of their own experience. Each parent should have a memo text. First, the psychologist suggests that you read the memo on your own. Then organizes a discussion:

  • What rules do you adhere to in practice and advise others to apply? was their use successful?
  • What rules do you disagree with?
  • Which of the rules do you see for the first time and decide to apply it?

Situation 7 - punish after a while.

The child has ruined, stolen or defaced something. Parents will find out about this after 3-4 weeks. What will you do: punish or forgive?

It is especially important for parents with an authoritarian parenting style to point out that belated punishments remind the child of an unpleasant past, prevent them from becoming different. In such cases, it is better not to punish, but to forgive, since there is a risk of mental retardation. Indeed, even in harsh adult laws, the statute of limitations for the commission of an offense is taken into account.

Issues for discussion:

  • What ways of encouragement do you know and use in raising children?
  • What do you think you need to thank, praise the child for?
  • What should you be wary of when praising?
    There is always an element of evaluation in praise: "Well done, you are just a genius!", "You are the most beautiful with us!", "You are so brave!"
  • Why is praise-grade bad?

First, when the parent often praises, the child begins to understand: where the praise is there and the reprimand. Praising in some cases, he will be condemned in others. Secondly, the child may become addicted to praise - wait, seek it. Third, he may suspect that you are insincere. Example:

Son: I can't get these letters!

Mom: What are you, you wrote them beautifully!

Son: Not true, you say that on purpose, no matter how upset I am.

It's better to just express your feelings to him. Use the pronouns “I”, “me”, instead of “you” (“I-messages”).

  • Buying something is the most popular reward option for parents. But is it the best?

Psychologist: The reward effect is by no means proportional to the value of the gift. The main thing is the ability of parents to notice in the child's behavior at least a hint of good motives and respond in a timely manner: help him, support, stimulate the manifestation of such qualities as independence, initiative, a sense of duty, hard work, attention to people.

It is very difficult to encourage a child so that it is really beneficial for his upbringing and development. Because the true needs of children are not in receiving more and more new pleasures, but in real attention to their inner world, in interested communication with them, in respect of their dignity and trust in them, in joint work with them, in the support of all the best. , to which the guys sometimes unconsciously gravitate.

Exercise "Cam"

Participants work in pairs. Alternately, one firmly squeezes his fist, the other tries to open his partner's palm, using any methods (methods and methods of opening the fist are not discussed in advance).

At the end of the game, each participant tells which way he chose to complete the task.

Discussion:

  1. How did you feel when you were violently used (forcefully trying to open your fist)?
  2. What feelings did you experience when they tried to unclench your fist with persuasion, affection?
  3. Why did you choose this method of completing the assignment?
  4. What state of a person resembles a clenched fist?

Notes for parents:

The consequences of child punishment (Appendix 6).

What instead of punishment? (advice from a psychologist) (Appendix 7).

The final stage.

Should a child be encouraged or punished at all?

Psychologist: Encouragements and punishments are needed. Only they must be applied skillfully. Emotional uplift, joy from parental praise or grief, shame, and sometimes fear associated with punishment - all these are feelings that the child experiences very acutely. It is on the acuteness of feelings that the pedagogical effect of encouragement and punishment is based.

But if all this is repeated often, it becomes habitual, the child's joys fade, and the griefs either also lose their acuteness, or cause a chronic state of depression, self-doubt.

Therefore, one of the main rules is to use both encouragement and punishment not often and only when it is really necessary. Rewards and punishments can be beneficial only when they help children develop the right views and beliefs, useful skills and habits. It is necessary to learn to see the motivating reasons behind every action of the child, to try first of all to understand why he did so and not otherwise. Do we always bother ourselves with this analysis?

And if it is necessary to encourage the child deliberately, then think over the punishment three times! Is it worth punishing if a child sincerely repents of an act committed without malicious intent, understands that he has caused grief and trouble to loved ones? Probably not.

It is wrong for parents to overturn their child's promises by way of punishment. Adults should always remain in the eyes of children as people of their word, otherwise their authority will be shaken. Another thing is that you can sometimes postpone the promised for some time.

As for corporal punishment, it is unacceptable in any situation. Any spanking and slapping on the head, and even more punishment with a belt, humiliate the child, embitter him, create an idea of ​​the permissibility of this method of resolving conflicts. Grabbing the belt, parents thereby sign their complete pedagogical helplessness.

So, the main conclusion: encouragement and punishment should become a means of moral influence. Then, in encouraging, the child begins to value most of all our approval, trust, respect, and the punished one learns to correctly understand what and why we disapprove and condemn.

But, in no case should one speculate on the natural love of children for their parents, declaring: “I don’t need such a son, I don’t love you!” On the contrary, and punished, the child must be sure that the parents not only still love him, but also experience what happened with him. The deprivation of food or walks for children should not be used as punishment.

“Punishment is a very difficult thing; it requires great tact and caution from the educator, ”A. Makarenko emphasized. The same should be said for rewards. A. S. Makarenko advises parents to use rewards infrequently, and not to resort to punishments at all without special need. Remember that children should not be constantly under fear of your anger and punishment.

Reflection of the results of the meeting:

  • What was the most important thing for you during today's meeting?
  • Will you change something in your behavior?
  • What questions would you like to discuss under this topic?

Literature:

  1. Journal "Psychologist in kindergarten" / On encouragement and punishment (from the experience of holding a parent meeting). author Rezepina E. A.. 2005, No. 3, 80 p.
  2. Magazine "Preschool Pedagogy" / Psychological support of family competence in the issue of upbringing and parent-child relations. Lebedeva N. B. October 2008, 55 p.
  3. Hoop magazine / Mom is always right. Kuzmishina T. 2007 No. 5, 12p.

Everyone who had to deal with the upbringing of children used methods of encouragement and punishment in their practice. These concepts are usually perceived as antipodes. Meanwhile, the semantic range of these concepts is extremely wide. Some of these values ​​are very different, while others, on the contrary, are very close.

So, for example, “encouragement” means “approval”, “assistance”, “acceleration”, “stimulation”, etc. “Punishment”, in turn, means “instruction”, “reprimand”, “punishment”, “ demand ”,“ fine ”,“ stimulation ”, etc. But in the days of ancient Russia, the word“ punish ”meant“ teach ”,“ instruct ”. And yet, in spite of the "antipodeship", encouragement and punishment have points of contact.

In the theory and practice of upbringing, the point of view is widespread, according to which any approval, praise, expression of trust and pedagogical influence, calculated to stimulate positive emotions of the pupil, is usually called encouragement. Any condemnation, threat, censure is referred to punishments. Their purpose is to correct the behavior of children in certain difficult situations.

Educators argue that punishment has a threefold meaning: it corrects the harm caused by misbehavior; helps to ensure that such actions are not repeated, i.e. has a deterrent character; removal of guilt.

In the old days, personality was born in humiliation. You can name the proverbs in which this is manifested: "The whip is not torment, but henceforth science", "You did not obey your father, you will obey the whip", "You do not listen to the spirit of meekness, so a stick on the bone", "They forgive twice and beat others in others." ...

But already at that time the people tried to deviate from the principles of physical punishment: "Punish the children with shame, and not with a thunderstorm and a whip", "God will forgive the guilty one, but the king will grant the right one."

But with the weakening of the fear of corporal punishment, wrote P.F. , struggle, defeat. In schools, a number of shameful punishments were introduced that hurt pride, and on the other, many awards ...

Disgraceful punishments were quite varied and consisted of depriving any part of the suit (for example, an apron in girls' schools), driving the culprit throughout the school, putting the last desk or table at the bottom, giving bad marks, writing in a black book, etc. . NS.".

The idea that "true" education is education without punishment and rewards, this is a kind of ideal harmony in the relationship between a teacher and a student, striving in a single impulse to cognize goodness and beauty, was expressed by many outstanding teachers of the past. This was the point of view of the great Russian teacher KD Ushinsky, who wrote: “If we still use rewards and punishments, this shows the imperfection of our educational arts. It is better if the educator makes sure that rewards and punishments become unnecessary. "

KD Ushinsky believed that if the school and the family reasonably organize the entire process of teaching and upbringing of children, then the question of punishment and other "curing" measures will never be acute for them. It is better if the educator makes sure that rewards and punishments become unnecessary. " “Also, a teacher should never praise a child in comparison with others, but only in comparison with his own previous imperfection, or, even better, in comparison with the norm of the perfection that is achieved,” he wrote. He attached great importance to moral encouragement in the matter of moral education. "Children," he wrote, "hate teachers from whom you can never expect approval or recognition of what is well done ... This kills the pursuit of excellence."

A.I. Herzen argued that the educator takes revenge on children with punishments for their inability. A. Disterweg believed that punishment measures "are mostly both useless and unnecessary where training is conducted correctly, that is, according to the nature of the child and the nature of the subject of instruction itself ... Punishment in general should aim at eliminating punishments."

VN Khudyakov defined punishment as a method of pedagogical influence, which should prevent unwanted actions, inhibit them, causing a feeling of guilt in front of oneself and others. In his opinion, the essence of punishment is for the child to experience a feeling of remorse, analyze his behavior and activities, and draw appropriate conclusions.

M.V. Lomonosov, in his writings, proposed the use of rewards and punishments. Those who distinguished themselves were awarded gold and silver medals, books, mathematical instruments "in the presence of the entire gymnasium." Lomonosov used reprimands and threats as punishments. For "shameful pranks", the punishment was carried out in front of all students. Corporal punishment, widespread in schools, was traditionally used by Lomonosov, although he recommended using them as an exceptional measure, in some cases, without causing harm to the health of children. As a method and as a condition for education and training, Lomonosov regarded order and discipline.

In upbringing and education, Lomonosov considered important methods such as persuasion and example. The impracticability of these and similar statements became apparent at the first encounter with reality. But the very fact of denying this reality was a progressive phenomenon.

In contrast to the supporters of rewards and punishments, understood as means of "artificial incitement", on the one hand, the ambition of children, and on the other, their fear, the ideas of so-called "natural" rewards and punishments were developed in bourgeois pedagogy. The ancestor of these views was the great French educator J.-J. Russo. For example, a student did not prepare homework, then the "natural consequence" of this offense will be punishment by leaving school without lunch to complete this task, etc. The logic of encouragement was similarly thought: for example, a boy treats books with care - - as a reward for this, his parents give him new books.

Blind slavish obedience is the highest goal of the medieval school and its main educational tool - corporal punishment. For the bourgeois school that was going to replace it, this arsenal was no longer enough. In a capitalist society, where everything is based on the power of the money bag, on the basis of free sale and purchase, the incentives for obedience should have become more subtle and flexible. This was manifested, in particular, in a certain modification of the punishment system in the bourgeois school and in supplementing it with a kind of balancing principle - a developed system of rewards. The pedagogy of the stick in its purest form is being replaced by the pedagogy of “carrot and stick”.

The bourgeois school inherited from the old school all sorts of "soft punitive" measures that humiliate the child's personal dignity, along with physical punishment. In schools, on the one hand, a number of shameful punishments were introduced that hurt pride, and on the other, many awards ... Shameful punishments were quite varied and consisted of the deprivation of any part of the costume (for example, an apron in girls' schools) , in a suit of a different color, more coarse than usual, in donkey masks, stupid caps, in writing the perfect deed on a suit and driving the culprit throughout the school, in putting the last desk or table, in setting bad marks, in writing in a black book , in easy work on the school instead of servants or servants, etc.

More than once attempts have been made in bourgeois pedagogy to draw boundaries that separate pedagogical ideas about punishment and encouragement from legal ones. Under the conditions of upbringing in a bourgeois society, encouragement and punishment have never been and could not be nothing more than a means of “intimidation,” “retribution,” “punishment,” “payment for services,” etc. The idea that “ true "upbringing is upbringing without punishment and rewards, this is a kind of ideal harmony in the relationship between a teacher and a student, striving in a single impulse to the knowledge of goodness and beauty," expressed many outstanding teachers of the past. This was the point of view of the great Russian teacher KD Ushinsky, who wrote: “If we still use incentives and punishments, this shows the imperfection of our educational arts. It is better if the educator makes sure that rewards and punishments become unnecessary. ” This was also stated by A.I.Herzen, who wrote that the educator takes revenge on children with punishments for his inability, and N.A. Punishment measures "are mostly useless and unnecessary where teaching is conducted correctly, that is, according to the nature of the child and the nature of the subject of instruction itself .... Punishment in general should aim to eliminate punishment" A. Disterweg believed. But at the first encounter with rough reality, these statements became utopian. But the very fact of denying this reality with its flogging, punishment cell, on the one hand, and awards for success and good behavior - on the other, with its violence, I was a hypocritical lie about just "retribution" to each according to his merits was, undoubtedly, a progressive phenomenon.

AS Makarenko was the first Soviet teacher who was able not only to understand the fundamentally new purpose and content of encouragement and punishment, but also to reveal the "mechanism" of these educational tools in the system of organizing the educational process. He saw the meaning of punishment in the fact that it should "resolve and destroy a separate conflict and not create new conflicts." At the same time, Makarenko defended the need to develop certain traditions in the team associated with encouragement and punishment. He believed that a teacher should have a sufficiently rich arsenal of incentives and punishments.

Situations of encouragement and punishment are methods that represent special cases of complex psychological and pedagogical situations, characterized by the need to adjust relations, introduce certain precisely dosed changes in them, in other words, their pedagogical correction.

When using encouragement and punishment, the main thing is to avoid extremes, prudence and understanding of the individual qualities of the child will help navigate the use of disciplinary measures. If only punishment awaits a child, then he will not learn the correct behavior, and he will be afraid of the one who punishes, strive to deceive him in order to avoid punishment. For example, no amount of reproaches and punishments will make school more attractive for a child, but if you praise and encourage him for every little success, there will be a hope that he will learn with pleasure.

School rewards and punishments should be based on accurate and comprehensive consideration of individual and age characteristics.

A child is growing in the family. It is a great art to use the sea of ​​your love correctly, to raise your baby wisely, to make him healthy and cheerful, and to make family life happy and friendly. Perhaps, in nothing humanity has such a vast experience as in raising children. And at the same time, nothing conceals so many difficulties in itself as education ...

Is it possible punish a child? In some situations, no matter how sorry, you have to. But the less often you do this, the more effective the result. So that the child does not often feel guilty, make demands on him, but stronger. Try not to require him to do one thing for too long, the more calmly sit or stand. He does not get tired of jumping and running, but he gets tired if he has to walk by the hand with an adult for a long time.

Understand that the less "no", shouts, twitches unnecessarily, the more obedient the children!

"But if the child is really guilty like his punish? " - you ask. I will answer you with a quote from the classic V.G.Belinsky:

“A child must be brought up in such a way that one stern look from a usually affectionate mother becomes a punishment for him. And it will be great if you do not need other measures of influence. "

But if one glance is not enough, you can say: “You did a wrong thing, it’s unpleasant for me and I don’t want to talk to you!” - and do not talk to the child for a while. For a torn book, a deliberately broken cup, for a deliberately broken car, they sometimes deprive him of books for a while, instead of a broken mug, they give him a less beautiful one, and for a broken car, some supposed entertainment can also be canceled. Try, even to punish gently, without yelling, discussing and calmly explaining to the child what he did wrong and agree with him that next time he will not do this, because he is a good boy or girl. In no case do not call the child names that he is clumsy, bad, muddler, you should also not apply punishments that are detrimental to health, for example, deprive the baby of a walk, all the more, do not allow physical punishment, even if it seems to you that he is completely harmless from your point of view sight, slap or slap.

How to do it right encourage the child? It's good if verbal praise means as much to him as a stern look. If your kid usually eats sloppily, scatters bread, drops porridge from a spoon, and today is especially trying, be sure to praise him: "What a clever fellow you are." Praise, as well as scolding, should not be without a particular reason. Reward the child for what he really did with the effort, for which he worked.

For example: “This is how well you put away the toys yourself today, folded your clothes! Now I have time to tell you a story (read a book or go to the zoo). "

But every time, think carefully about your promise, because it must be fulfilled. Definitely exclude the method of reward - candy and chocolate. Children, of course, love to eat very much, but it is not worth creating a cult out of food and raising excessive interest in it. Of course, it is easier to buy candy for a child than to do with a toddler. Easier, but far from better!

And one more piece of advice encouragement should follow a good deed, and not promise in advance: "Do this, then you will get this ..." Your child should learn to receive satisfaction from the work itself, and not try for the sake of a reward. Indeed, in life, not every good deed is followed by a reward, and you do not need to teach the baby to always expect it.

I invite you and your child to look at the site make-self.net, and especially in the Crafts section, where you can teach your child an interesting, exciting and developing process.

Encouragement and punishment. Fundamentals of education

Punishment and encouragement, as the main methods of upbringing, pursue the ultimate goal of the welfare of the child. Both should be dictated by parental love and care. However, not all parents think about what kind of manifestations of love they can provide to the child, what he needs, but are guided by their own ideas. Each parent wishes the child well-being and happiness, but not everyone knows how to do this, and most often acts as his own parents did to him, or - in spite of them - the exact opposite.

The attitude towards children and towards people in general can be of two kinds: conditional and unconditional

At the birth of a beloved and desired baby, the mother feels unconditional love for him: for what he is, that he was born. This is a normal feeling of joy. A conditional attitude, which is also necessary for a person for later life in society, begins when he turns from an infant into a child: the first requirements and educational measures begin to be presented to him, which happens about a year. They are not only admired for what he is, but they are already beginning to evaluate his actions.

Any upbringing is possible only against the background of the unconditional positive acceptance of the child.

This means that even with punishment, the child is not deprived of parental love and support. He must be confident that he will be understood and forgiven (see Forgiveness), and his actions will be viewed separately from his personality.

Unfortunately, in most cases, when punished, the child feels completely rejected; for criticism of his individual actions, he feels rejection of him as a whole. Parents often use the following epithets: "You are a bully", "You are nothing", "Why did I just give birth to you?"

There is a more constructive and effective version of criticism, when they criticize only some of the child's misdeeds, while telling you what emotional blow he inflicted on you with his behavior: “Today you hurt me a lot by insulting my grandmother,” “I am upset with your behavior at school, and I was very ashamed to hear about you and your behavior. " With such phrases, it is much easier to start a conversation and find out the reasons for the child's behavior. And most importantly, they do not sound insulting, to which one would like to respond in kind.

Carrot and stick

If we consider the interactions of people schematically, then our appeals to each other can be classified as positive, negative, or none (indifferent). (In what follows, we will refer to the interaction unit as stroking.) The latter is the most unpleasant thing we try to avoid. It's better to swear than not to talk. Better hatred than indifference. The main thing is not to be left empty-handed.

Children need both positive and negative strokes for growth and development. As a rule, we praise children much less often than we punish them. If a child behaves well, then the parents do not pay attention to him, and if he is bad, then they punish him. And then the child in any way tries to attract the attention of the parents, even if negative. Sometimes children become "dysfunctional" due to the impossibility in any way to get the attention and approval of their parents.

But if there is at least some opportunity to receive positive stroking, the child finds roundabout or manipulative ways to do this. In my psychotherapeutic practice, I have met parents who are perplexed about the uneven behavior of the child. He was a diligent second grader who only brought home excellent grades. At first, the whole family was happy, but soon began to take it for granted. The child lost interest in learning, and he unexpectedly brought several twos. The whole family became agitated and began to look for reasons. At the same time, the child immediately became the object of attention: did he get sick? Did something happen at the school? Soon, his grades improved again, and he again began to receive praise for his good grades.

Parents often complain about the child's bad behavior, declaring that they "do everything for his good, and he responds with black ingratitude." When you start to find out what they mean by “everything”, it turns out to be even an excessively excessive satisfaction of the child's material needs at the expense of the emotional ones. One hundred and first unnecessary toy. And they motivate the inability to show emotional participation to children by being busy at work and lack of time. In such families, as a rule, material achievements have priority, with which they want to compensate for the lack of warmth between family members. This is a typical situation for our time in the families of the so-called “new Russians”.

Where does praise end and child pampering begin?

In the minds of many parents, there are prejudices that praise and love of a child can be pampered (but for some reason, few people are afraid to pamper a pet with affection). Where is the line between love and pampering?

As stated, we all need unconditional acceptance. However, this does not mean that all the child's requests should be immediately satisfied. Pampering begins where adults cannot say no, punish a child for wrongdoing and indulge in all his requests to the detriment of their needs. The reasons for this phenomenon are different, and the consequences are devastating for the psyche of the child. A psychotherapist will help you choose the optimal tactics of behavior. Below I will list the most common causes of this phenomenon:

Guilt before the child for their wrong actions, which the child may no longer remember, but the parents are immersed in the experience of this guilt. (see Forgiveness)

Unconscious deeply hidden rejection of the child (unwanted, untimely), which is denied on a conscious level.

A severely or chronically ill child.

A late and / or long-awaited child who becomes the meaning of a lifetime for parents.

No direct manifestations of feelings for the child (hugs, praise, smile), unlike the tenth unnecessary typewriter, will not lead to pampering, but will only confirm your love and strengthen trusting relationships.

Pampering is just as destructive to a child's psyche as a lack of attention.

General rules for the encouragement and punishment of children

Punishment, like reward, has always been considered the only way to control children and people in general. Raising children is impossible without punishment and encouragement. In Russian culture, the prejudices “beats - it means loves”, “do not spare the rod”, “a kind word and the cat is pleased” are firmly entrenched.

Both punishment and reward are aimed at developing a conditioned reflex: wrong behavior is followed by punishment, and right - by reward.

Just and Unjust Punishment of Children

It is fair to say that the punishment that the child receives by violating the rules that were thought out and discussed by the parents, and which are known to the child. In case of unfair punishment, the child feels a sincere resentment and a lack of understanding of the meaning of punishment, and the parents feel guilty. In this section, I will focus on situations in which a child receives either undeserved or “not clear why,” punishment and give advice to parents on how to deal with such cases.

Children do not understand what they are being punished for, because they do not understand what they want from them. The child pours cigarette butts on the floor from the ashtray and plays with them. His mother punishes him and tells him not to touch the ashtrays. In a child, an ashtray is associated with a specific green vase. And he doesn't touch her anymore. But the next day, his mother finds him doing the same thing with a different, blue ashtray. The child receives a punishment, the meaning of which is incomprehensible to him. After all, he fulfilled his mother's request and did not touch the green ashtray anymore. The purpose of this example is to show how different the words of the parents are, the goals they pursue in the upbringing and what the child understands. He did what his mother asked - not to play with the green ashtray, but he did not understand the essence of his mother's request. This situation is more typical for young children who have not yet developed abstract thinking and generalization.

What to do in such cases? Parents should specifically explain to the child that they cannot play with cigarette butts and sprinkle them on the floor, no matter what color the object they are in. Those. to specify as much as possible those actions of the child that are considered unacceptable.

Another reason is the lack of positive strokes when the child has no other way to get the parent's attention.

What to do in such cases? The optimal solution would be to discuss with the psychotherapist how the child can receive well-deserved conditioned and unconditional strokes, as well as the parents' attitudes towards them.

Unfair punishment of children occurs as a result of the internal state of the parents, not directly conditioned by the actions of the child, but by situations, for example, at work - irritation, fatigue, etc. The child is punished for what parents usually do not pay attention to - uncleaned toys, etc. confusion arises from inconsistent adult behavior.

What to do in such cases? When contacting a psychotherapist, you can establish control over your bad mood and the behavior that follows it, as well as resolve your personal difficulties.

Sometimes the reasons for the deviant behavior of children lie in the family situation. A typical example is a family on the verge of divorce, where the child is trying to save it by all means available to him. He distracts the attention of parents from their problems with his behavior, uniting them in what distracts attention to himself. (By the way, a child's illness can perform the same function.)

What to do in such cases? You should contact a psychotherapist to develop a line of your behavior. If divorce is really inevitable, the therapist will help you get through it with minimal mental loss for you and the child. If you have a chronic psychological distress in your family, then the psychotherapist will help to establish a family environment, which will certainly have a positive effect on the child's behavior.

Another reason - perhaps the most tragic: an unloved child. Few parents can admit this to themselves, but if they have found the strength to admit it, they have a chance to change their behavior (if not attitude) towards the child. Their reserve is a sense of duty towards the child. The reasons can be varied: in principle, an unwanted child (the woman did not want to have children, but "it happened"; the child is not of the gender that the parents were expecting; the child is similar both in appearance and character to one of the unloved relatives; rejection of the child by the stepfather or stepmother.)

What to do in such cases? Unambiguously, the parents, who admitted their negative attitude towards the child, took the first step towards rectifying the situation. Here, the help of a psychotherapist to the parents themselves is definitely needed, which will consist in establishing control over their behavior in relation to the child and in working out the deep problems and feelings of the parents. The psychotherapist works individually with each case.

Remember that your parental task is to raise a child with minimal psychological trauma and loss.

Rules for punishing children

With any punishment, the child must be sure that the punishment is fair, that he is still loved, and even being punished, he does not remain without parental love.

In any punishment of children, they should not be deprived of the satisfaction of their biological and physiological needs.

The child should be informed about what misconduct will be punished and in what form.

The punishment of children should be temporary. ("You are deprived of the opportunity to play the computer for exactly three days.")

Insults and labeling should be avoided when punishing children. It is only the behavior or specific action of the child that is confronted, not his personality.

When punishing children, remembering past offenses is excluded, you only talk to them about what he is being punished for right now.

Punishment of children should be consistent, not ad hoc.

Physical punishment of children

Parents have always been concerned with the question of physical punishment of children: its acceptability, form and necessity. Physical punishment of children should be used only when all other methods of influence have been exhausted: persuasion, explanation of the unacceptability of his behavior, depriving the child of any advantages or pleasures. The younger the child, the more effective the physical punishment of children. It is unacceptable in relation to adolescents and children, whose abnormal behavior is due to illness (enuresis, encopresis, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), which requires medication, not just psychotherapeutic treatment. With physical punishment of children, the same goal is pursued as with any other: the development of a reflex through painful sensations.

When physical punishment of children is necessary

The main principle when choosing between physical punishment or some other is the choice of the lesser of two evils. It is important to remember that the purpose of physical punishment of children, like anyone else, is for their own good. Physical punishment of children should only be used in the following situations:

Physical punishment of children is lawful if the child's behavior poses a threat to his life and health. For example, a child, knowing the rules of behavior on the road, in spite of his parents, runs across the street in front of cars.

If the child's behavior threatens the life and health of others (playing with fire, fights with weaker children.)

If the child deliberately and purposefully brings parents or other family members who are not able to stand up for themselves (for example, younger children). The psychological implication of this kind of action is to test the strength and boundaries of the parents. If the parents cannot defend themselves, then the child cannot be sure that in a more dangerous situation they will be able to protect himself.

Unacceptable ways of punishment

If an adult can resist and give back in case of unfair punishment, then children do not have this opportunity due to their physical weakness and moral and material dependence on adults. I will list those ways of influencing the child that are unacceptable, and will have their negative consequences for further relations between parents and children:

Physical punishment of children that is harmful to their physical health (blows to the head, serious injury)

The use of epithets and insults for reasons that the child cannot correct or protest. “You all went to the father”, “You are a stupid and scum, a normal person will never grow out of you,” etc. This leads to the fact that the child feels humiliated, and not just punished.

Causing a child such mental suffering that he really cannot bear without damage to his psyche. For example, locking a child afraid of the dark in a dark bathroom.

Forgiveness

In our culture, asking for forgiveness is ritualistic. Often we ask for an apology formally, without thinking about what we really want: true remorse or ritual words, and without knowing if we are really ready to forgive.

Both asking for forgiveness and being able to forgive require a lot of mental strength. To forgive means to erase another's misconduct from memory as if it did not exist. But this takes time, understanding and feeling the reasons that prompted a person to commit an unpleasant offense for us. It is worth talking about what you felt at the moment when you were hurt, give the offender time to think about whether he should ask for forgiveness and in what form, but in no case rush him.

Forgiving means that you will never remember the wrongdoing and use it as a "bargaining chip" in further disagreements. To forgive does not mean to forget, but rather to change the attitude towards what happened.

A child, before asking for forgiveness, must know exactly what he was guilty of. It is worth telling him about your feelings and giving him time to think about it, without rejecting him as a person. At the same time, you need to be prepared for the fact that you yourself will have to repent of something.

Usually, asking for forgiveness is associated with weakness that parents have no right to show in front of their children. In fact, when we apologize to children, we show our strength and set an example of how it is done.

Often we ourselves do not give the child the opportunity to realize our guilt. A boy who has committed a crime in front of his grandmother is put in a corner. He is deprived of the opportunity to be distracted by other stimuli and activities, and is absorbed in thoughts of his wrongdoing. But when it is time for lunch, he is taken out of there, although he may not be hungry, and thus his awareness and understanding of his guilt is interrupted. The reason is the priority of material values ​​(timely food intake) over spiritual ones.

Incentives

The younger the child, the more visual, tangible and urgent the reward should be. A small child has a poorly developed sense of time. Therefore, such a wording as “if you clean up your toys all week, then on Sunday we will go to the zoo with you” is unacceptable. The child does not understand well what a week is.

He can be offered to increase the time for reading bedtime stories, a new toy, which he really dreamed of, but did not have the opportunity to get it due to improper behavior, more joint leisure time (games).

In addition, I recommend hanging a wall calendar over his crib, and at the end of each day, together with the child, jointly “rate” the day passed, marking it with a certain color: red is excellent, orange is good, yellow is average, and green is bad. ...

At all times, parents were worried about the optimal upbringing of children - how encourage and punish so that it contributes to the development of a harmonious personality.
Encouragement- a strong regulator of behavior, with its help, learning is faster. But not all encouragement can be beneficial, just as punishment is not always harmful - there are no bad or good techniques in upbringing, but there are appropriate or inappropriate ones.
Encouragement and punishment can be carried out in two forms: material and psychological (spiritual). Modern society prefers a material form of encouragement and punishment, i.e. "Buy candy - not buy candy."

This is true for both the family and the school. The psychological form is rarely used, i.e. such features of interactions and relationships of people in which approval (attention to the child, empathy for him, support, faith, etc.) and punishment (grief, resentment, ostentatious indifference, anger, in extreme cases anger) are manifested. Naturally, the use of psychological tools requires not only more mental dedication, but also a very definite acting skill. No wonder A.S. Makarenko wrote that you cannot become a teacher until you learn to pronounce the words "Come here" with 20 different shades in your voice. The use of only material forms of encouragement and punishment educates a dependent person, with low self-control, who, in general, is guided by the situation: "If I get caught, I will not get caught." The use of a psychological form of influence forms conscience as an internal mechanism for controlling behavior.

Promotion rules
In its effect, praise is like a drug, i.e. accustomed to praise will always need it. Overdosing on praise is harmful.
Praise Limiters:

  • not to praise the child for what the child has achieved not by his own labor (beauty, intelligence, strength, health, etc.);
  • do not praise more than two times for the same thing;
  • do not praise out of pity;
  • do not praise out of a desire to please.

A person needs at least 8 "strokes" a day, preferably different in the method and degree of manifestation.

Individual requirements for the rate of praise

The following categories of children are especially in need of praise:

  • children with an inferiority complex based on their real shortcomings. Such children suffer without praise. This praise is a benefit and a gift for the poor;
  • children with a well-grounded complex "beyond usefulness" (really talented children). For them, praise is a growth hormone, they know about their benefits, but they need recognition from others. If children are not praised, they will not wither, but they will not bloom either;
  • proud children with increased sensitivity to assessment. Praise is in principle harmful to them, but they cannot do without it. Solution: do not praise openly, but give the child non-judgmental information about his real merits, avoiding comparisons with other children.

Types of praise

1. "Compensation"... It is used for those children who are seriously lacking in something (physical disability, bad temper, failure in life). They should be praised for what they have good, not necessarily achieved by them on their own (it is better not to abuse such praise, for such children can turn into spoiled despots).
2. "Advance"- this is praise for what will be, the leading type. He instills in a person faith in himself. Our faith turns opportunity into reality. Praising something that isn't there is not always the same as telling a lie.
Must be praised in the morning and at night. Praise for the slightest attempt to improve yourself.
The following types of advance can be distinguished:
a) assert that the child does something better, regardless of reality;
b) approve for the slightest attempts to overcome oneself and not scold if it does not work out;
c) do not notice bad manifestations if they are at the same level, and when things get better, then notice and praise.
By using the advance as a type of praise, one should not overstep the line and not mislead the child.
3. "Lifting" praise. If we are going to increase the requirements for the child, then they must begin with praise, as inspiration for new exploits.
4. Indirect approval. Praise, which seems to be not praised, i.e. ask for help, advice, etc. In a conversation with another person, as if by the way, say kind words about the child, but so that he hears them. These words should be at the level of stating the child's merits, but at the same time it should not offend his negative qualities.
5. "Explosion of love" (emergency psychological aid)... Used in extreme cases when the child has a crisis.

Punishment.

With all the disagreements around this method of upbringing, it should be noted that it also has the right to be applied, because it testifies to the caring attitude and love of parents for the child and, at the same time, gives him "absolution". Therefore, children tend to receive punishments and even try to use them for their own purposes.
Most parents believe that immediate punishment is more appropriate than preventive measures to end a child's disobedience. It should be remembered that any method of punishment works the better the less often it is used. With the frequent use of punishment, children become deceitful, resourceful, they develop fears and aggression.
Punishment is suggestive if it is consistent with the offense and is rarely used.

  • forced idleness - sitting in a special chair, in the corner, etc.;
  • deprivation of incentives and privileges;
  • condemnation of behavior;
  • folk remedy.

Punishment rules

1) When punishing, think: Why? For what?
2) Punishment should never harm health.
3) If in doubt, punish or not - do not punish! No punishment should be "just in case", even if it seems that you are too kind (s) and gentle (s).
4) Only one offense can be punished at a time. Punishment "salad" is not for children.
5) It is belated not to punish - everything is written off due to the limitation period.
6) Punished means forgiven, turned the page of life - no reminders.
7) Any punishment should not be accompanied by humiliation, should not be considered as a triumph of the strength of an adult over the weakness of a child.
8) The child cannot but upset - this is normal, so you need to treat this accordingly. Do not seek to remake the child, and also do not allow him to live in fear of punishment.

You can not punish by deprivation of love!

Compiled by: psychologist GDPPND (Minsk) Kudryavtseva O.A.