Why is women's initiative in relationships punishable? Initiative of a woman in a relationship with a man

07.07.2019

There are few men nowadays, especially worthy ones. And modern women are active, independent, independent. The usual distribution of roles has changed markedly, and the fairer sex is no longer afraid to take the initiative in relationships. Is this good and what results does it lead to? Let's turn to psychologists for advice.

Nature has made men and women different. Everything is different for them: genetic problems, psychology, physiology. Therefore, according to experts, it is not a good idea to radically change roles.

“The most modest, most inactive, shy and insecure man in life wants to conquer his woman himself, and not be conquered by her,” said psychologist Rashid Kirranov. - This law was invented by nature for all animals and then extended to humans. A woman must show that she needs a man (sometimes this is not necessary), and already he, if he is interested, must go to the conquest of a woman. It shouldn't be too easy. There must be some kind of small competition between males or some kind of running after the female, dancing in front of her, etc. "

Psychologists believe that women's initiative should be to bring a man to a state where he himself wants to be active. In no case should you go ahead. On the contrary, a woman should entice, lead, and do it subtly. Men like this behavior, they consider it feminine. They run after such representatives of the fair sex, they call them seductive.

“A man has innate instincts (for example, for success) that must be fulfilled,” continues Rashid Kirranov. - If they are not fulfilled, then an emptiness arises inside that cannot be filled with comfort, family happiness and no amount of money. One of these instincts is to achieve a woman yourself. If the instinct is not fulfilled, then a man after several weeks or months of sex with her begins to look for another woman for himself. If a family has already been created, then he begins to commit adultery, drink, etc. The woman's initiative spoils the men themselves. "

Therefore, if you want to be active, then do it not directly, but indirectly. Manage to arouse interest in yourself, draw attention to yourself, provoke an acquaintance. Show the man that you care about him, but all this is subtle, a hint. Awaken the hunter's instinct in him, and then he will do everything himself. But at the same time he was not completely sure whether he will get you or not! Men call it feminine mystery. That's when they get excited - to catch up, take, make their own.

At the same time, keep your hand "on the patient's pulse." If the fortress is too impregnable or its siege is too long, then some men lose interest, others, on the contrary, flare up even more, others become bitter and become uncontrollable. Therefore, here you need to feel the moment and find a middle ground.

“Let the man show himself at least some initiative,” advises psychologist Ksenia Ivanova. - Look how he does it, analyze his behavior: he is persistent and active, shy and shy, or he himself does not yet know what he wants from you, and apathetically demonstrates his interest. Depending on how he behaves, you can build your own behavior. If he is active, you can happily accept his courtship, but take your time with personal initiatives - perhaps he likes to seek the girl's attention on his own. When no initiative comes from him, decide how much you are really interested in him. Perhaps you need to wait a little, he will take a closer look, and real progress will be indicated in the relationship. And perhaps he simply does not want to continue this relationship, does not intend to transfer it to a serious level, and it is better to end it as soon as possible ”.

Do's and Don'ts

So, psychologists advise women to be active allegorically, gradually. For example, if you like some representative of the stronger sex and want to date him, you can casually drop the phrase: "If I had a man like you, I would be happy." Or, if you want to go on a date with him, say: “A beautiful cafe (cinema, exhibition) has opened, I want to go there. And you?" Such questions sound unobtrusive, they give you a choice of options.

Can I call myself if he does not call you? Once you can, to find out if something has happened. But no longer worth it. However, many women violate this rule: they call themselves, cannot resist the desire to communicate, cannot show restraint. They justify themselves by the fact that the man is shy, hesitates to call, they say, he dreams of a meeting, but cannot decide.

“Women are often mistaken in thinking that a man’s passivity is caused by his shyness,” explains psychologist Rashid Kirranov. - This is possible if he likes an unfamiliar woman on the street or in a store. But if he is familiar with her and at least occasionally communicates with her, then this is unlikely. There can be many reasons. Maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe he has no money and nowhere to lead her, maybe the girl is too critical, initiative, does not know how to listen, he does not like him enough and there may still be quite a few reasons. Uncertainty in the list of reasons is one of the last places. That is, if a woman thinks that a man likes her, but he does nothing, then this does not mean at all that he does nothing out of embarrassment. Most likely, the reason is different. "

“If a man does not show initiative at the initial stage of the relationship - he does not write, does not call anywhere, does not call, disappears, then this indicates that he is not very interested in you, - psychologist Ksenia Ivanova continues this thought. - Therefore, before pounced on him with text messages and phone calls, think a hundred times whether you need this frame, and whether it is not better to interrupt it all so that later it will not hurt from your unfulfilled expectations. Learn to meet defeat: does not call, hesitates, does not show himself - it means that she did not hook, did not like it, did not fit. It means that he does not want, he is not interested. Well, what can you do here ?! Remember, have you always reciprocated your fans? There is no need to bring the situation to the point where you are definitely unambiguously kicked off or ignored directly. If a man really wants to continue the relationship, he will get you out of the ground. "

Can I offer sex myself? (It is clear that we are not talking about an established relationship, but about the initial period of acquaintance.) Most of the stronger sex will gladly take advantage of such an offer. Why not take what floats itself into your hands without any effort? But then he may lose interest, and the woman will begin to cause rejection in him.

And finally, a sacramental question: can you propose to get married yourself? Wits joke that if in our time women did not ask this question first, then many men would remain single. But if we are to offer this to a loved one, then it must be done non-intrusively, gradually, with a grain of humor, giving him time to comprehend what was said. For example: "You are the best man I have ever met, I am not averse to becoming your wife, how do you like this idea?"

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. There are couples who happily hooked up against all instructions. But, as you know, exceptions only confirm the rule.

Choosing effective tactics

Finally, let us recall the story of Tatyana Larina, which we all went through at school. When she confessed her love to Onegin, he reacted skeptically and even with a grain of irony. Years passed, and when Tatyana became cold and indifferent to him, he began to go crazy with passion ... Pushkin brilliantly described how male psychology works.

But modern women often ignore the recommendations of psychologists. We see this in life, in films (which, as you know, reflect life). They call men themselves, the first to offer them dates, sex. I'm not talking about the offer to go to the registry office. And what does this lead to?

“Is it possible to turn a relationship upside down, in which the main role will belong to a woman? - reflects psychologist Maria Pugacheva. - It all depends on what kind of man you are building a relationship with. As a rule, enterprising women are encouraged by ladies' men, confident in themselves and their exploits. Or the women's initiative will be approved by men who are squeezed, not self-confident, not very popular with the opposite sex. This approach will be a real opportunity for them to build relationships. As for ordinary men who are accustomed to the traditional rules of courtship, the light initiative of the girl they like will be perceived by them "with a bang", but assertive tactics are likely to quickly devalue her bright image. When a girl does not evoke any emotions, her active steps will be perceived with hostility and she will simply be dismissed as an annoying fly. "

“A woman’s initiative in a relationship with a man is a mistake. Learn to behave in such a way that the man takes the initiative, and your relationship with him will become an order of magnitude better, especially in the long term, ”advises Rashid Kirranov.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

Any girl is interested in the question of showing initiative: how permissible is it for a female when meeting an interesting man. What is the best way to do this so as not to seem frivolous to a man?

Regarding the manifestation of initiative by girls (women), we can say that this can be done, and in some cases it is even necessary. In addition, there is nothing reprehensible, indecent or unnatural in the fact that a woman approaches or calls a man first. However, since all men are different by nature, in some cases it is still preferable to leave this prerogative to the man.

Today, in the conditions of modern liberated initiative on the part of women, there is a place to be. At the same time, they are not particularly notorious and not modest girls, which they just do not invent and as soon as they do not behave in order to achieve the desired goal. By the way, many are lucky, they succeed in everything and ends successfully. But what about the question of initiative for more modest girls? What framework should be limited to the initiative on the part of the girl? How will such a girl look in the eyes of a man who needs a normal and serious relationship, and not a one-day adventure.

It's no secret that men are conquerors. However, often enough for men, it is important that the girl be able to take the initiative herself. This is a kind of game, intriguing and exciting thoughts and imagination. As a result, it can interest and make a man think about this very girl. Therefore, there is nothing wrong in showing that you like a person or taking the first step towards someone you like. And in most cases, this is even a necessary measure. For example, young people liked each other, but due to their shyness, none of them can show their interest. But after all, someone should be the first to come up and speak? Or the sympathy of both will be with them.

It also happens that a man for some reason (age difference, too different financial situation or social status, working relationship, etc.) does not even assume a possible relationship with a particular woman. Women's initiative in this case will be more than appropriate. Or due to a busy schedule, employment, a lot of things, etc. the man simply did not think that he was next to a very interesting person.

However, another situation may arise in which excessive female activity can scare off the boyfriend, as a result of which he will lose interest in the woman, and all romance will disappear without a trace.

What danger are fraught with frank confessions or explicit onslaught?
There are many cases when a girl likes a young man, but for a long time she cannot do anything in relation to him. And then suddenly he decides to write to him and lay out, as the saying goes, "everything is as if in spirit", "they say, he will react if he is not indifferent to me," and then come what may. Most often this is typical for adolescence or very young girls. However, this kind of straightforward confessions most often does not lead to anything good, as a result of which the female sex will be disappointed and, as a result, depressed. But with a different approach, the male reaction could have a completely different color.

Why is this tactic in most cases losing?
For starters, this method can take a man by surprise. You give him such news in the forehead, and he does not even know how to react to it. What if his behavior will differ from your expectations? As a result, in most cases, the man retires.

In addition, any man is inherently a "hunter" and he likes to achieve and get hold of. If you frankly hint to him that you are not against his courtship, his interest in you will be at its best. If, however, frankly confess to him about his sympathy, frankly, he will immediately lose the desire to act. In addition, some men associate such behavior with inadequacy, indecency or importunity. Also, most adolescents or young men begin to "arrogant" from such actions and use it to strengthen their popularity. At the same time, the girl finds herself in the most ridiculous situation, when the guy at first reciprocates, and then, having "matrooted", leaves the girl who does not understand anything.

There may also be another situation when a young man once had sympathy for a girl, but has passed, or he is interested in this girl, but this interest is still in its infancy and needs to be further developed, and this must be done gradually. Or they have a common company, group, office, etc., which prevents rapprochement. It may also be that interest in a girl may not arise, simply because she is not in his taste. There are different situations in life, so with a little flirting with a young man, you are not afraid of anything. Well, if you reveal your "secret" and do not receive reciprocity in return, you risk finding yourself in an uncomfortable situation, and furthermore, further communication will be problematic. That is why it will be more correct to first "test the waters", and only then take careful action.

What should precede proactive action?
Having decided to take any action with regard to the man you adore, you should first sort out your thoughts on this issue. That is, if for you the initiative on the part of a woman is something humiliating, supernatural, indecent and ridiculous, at the same time, if you have never taken the first steps and did not attract the man you are interested in, it is better to refuse this idea because there will be no perspective in your actions. During the manifestation of the initiative, you will feel squeezed, tense and unnatural, which, of course, will not escape the gaze of a man who will consider everything that happens to be absurd. If you sincerely believe that you can, that you can do it, you can safely proceed.

Therefore, if you do not have a feeling of one hundred percent readiness to take action to attract the man of your dreams, you need to work on yourself, set yourself up for action.

If you liked a stranger.
It's no secret that there are no identical men. Someone likes the initiative coming from the girl, and someone likes to take the initiative himself. At first glance, it is difficult to determine which category the man of interest belongs to. Therefore, it is best to start with the lighter steps. At first, by chance, you can look at him more closely, holding a glance a little. At the same time, you need to observe his reaction. When you meet again, you should also smile lightly, as if you were reacting to a familiar face. If the man you are interested in is your work colleague or you often intersect because you live in the same area, then somehow you just need to greet him first, as if this is your reaction to a familiar face. If you do not know where “your man” is and what he does, you need to think about the reason, on the basis of which you could turn to him for help.

If a man takes an interest in you as a woman and expresses it directly in any way, you should also show your sympathy. Even if it is just an interested look. And then you won't have to wait a long time for actions from a man.

If you want to win the attention of a familiar man.
In the case when you constantly communicate with the object of your desires, it is already easier. But here, too, careful actions are necessary so that in case of an unsuccessful outcome, you do not get into an awkward situation. As usual, we start small - flirting, with the help of which a man will understand that he is interested in you and will begin to take the initiative himself. You should also watch his reaction. Maybe active actions will appear immediately, or maybe it will become clear to you that it is not worth wasting time here. Maybe he will also respond with flirting, then in the future it will be possible to be more open. But flirting should also be light, like hints, you should not push, it is better to play. Then there is a chance not to frighten off the man, and at the same time maintain interest in yourself. The most important thing for you is to let the man know that you are interested in communicating with him, that there is something in him that attracts you.

When interest woke up in a former fan.
There are also cases that a woman has an interest in a once vain caring young man, which for some reason (age, appearance, character, etc.) did not exist at that time. What to do in this case? First, you need to let the person know about yourself, get in touch with him, come up with a reason for the meeting. For example, remember the old days of friendship or ask for help in some business, etc. After the first meeting and communication, you can take unobtrusive signs of attention, hint that in addition to communication there is "something else." Meetings should be held in such a way that they provide for a continuation.

But do not flatter yourself, even if the former boyfriend is experiencing something for you, he will not show it to you right away, now he will be more careful, unrequited sympathy will make itself felt. He will also watch your emotions and actions. Therefore, one should not "impose" on a man so openly, this is not the best method for a woman. Your intentions for a man should be shown gradually, making it clear that this is not a game, and you are serious enough.

It is up to you to be the first to show or not to show the initiative. The most important thing is that your initiative does not become a reason for a bad opinion of you.

8 chose

Even just talking first to a man. Shyness, trauma from the past, stereotypes, self-doubt ... How to figure out what's what, and overcome. Or at least try... Our expert, psychologist Maria Pugacheva will tell us today.

"First, let's take a look at what is happening in nature., - offers Maria Pugacheva. - The male achieves the female, the male is often more attractive and variegated in order to attract the attention of the opposite sex, it is he who always "courting" and initiates the continuation of the genus. "

And if you look at the history of mankind, you can see exactly the same obvious cultural a stereotype that tells us that a woman should not be the first to show attention to a man.A man dominates, he is a hunter, he is a conqueror, therefore he is an initiator. Men went to woo, offered a hand and a heart, a man takes care of the desired woman, and not vice versa. Traditions, classical literature - all this usually shows us that the first step is for a man, but for a woman it is simply indecent. Let us even recall the notorious letter from Tatiana Onegin ...

Secondly, every woman has their individual stories and their experiences, as well as their own mood and self-esteem. "For example, they laughed at someone in childhood, someone experienced unhappy love and was rejected, someone is ashamed of their freckles, someone is afraid to say stupidity, and so on.", - explains Maria Pugacheva. All this in combination creates a kind of barrier, even just for a banal playful glance towards a man or an ordinary conversation.

There is an exit

Analyze where and why you got this embarrassment. Or is it even real fear? Are you dissatisfied with something about yourself or think that the other person will not be able to adequately respond? Have you had any personal stories or particularly revealing negative examples before your eyes? "When you get to the reason, try to reduce it all to just a particular case of failure, and not to a pattern. And along with all this, remember your successes, victories, remember the successful initiatives of your friends. All this should give you a little strength and confidence.", - advises Maria Pugacheva.
There is no need to perceive your initiative in relation to a man as objective, concrete attention in his direction and a direct step for acquaintance. This does not mean at all that your initiative should be that one day you will come up to a guy and say: "I like you, I can meet you, let's live together, as we call our first-born - I'm sure it will be a son."... Likewise perfect not necessarily coming, for example, to a party, approach handsome men with questions about the time, or comments about music. Smile friendly (not inviting!), Catching someone's eye by chance, compliment, say, a tie and move on without imposing a conversation, control your facial expression: an open, lively look, no tension or general dissatisfaction with life (especially if not real concern, but a familiar mask, which for some reason is worn by many city dwellers). "You can just send signals that a man will first feel, then notice and be interested in you, and then perceive it as a green light and take the initiative himself. Such signals are best learned in special literature about flirting, dating, or in training for female attractiveness. ", - prompts Maria Pugacheva. Try to start small, and you will see that your hidden initiative immediately yields very interesting results.

Do you take the initiative in relationships with men? What advice would you give to those who are shy?

Any man at least once in his life has heard the phrase “Why didn’t you call me?”, Which may be followed by something like “You completely forgot about me, you don’t think about me” or something similar. And I know for sure that the girl in this situation is not at all important for the real reason: the point is that she waited call, wanted attention, wanted to be necessary, wanted initiatives.

And it's useless to say that you thought about her literally every minute (which, in general, may be true), that the situation did not allow (but this is not always true - to find a minute for a phone call just to hear her voice, or you can still use SMS). In general, it is useless to make excuses - to say that he was embarrassed, that he did not want to strain her ... And you can offer a thousand more variations of excuses, oh, excuse me, answer options. Girl waited, and only a man is supposed to wait, it just so happened. And you answer her: “Well, I'm calling now. Exactly i calling you, not the other way around. And I don’t ask why you didn’t call yourself. ” And in response: “It doesn't matter! You scored on me for 2 hours / day / couple of days. You should have called - you’re a man! ” Sound familiar?

Personally, my position is this: a man in a relationship with a woman owes exactly as much as he promised. The word must be kept. He does the rest of his own free will. If you want to object, then change “man” to “woman” and make sure that this is a perfectly working scheme, which is used by the vast majority of people.

Where did this man's debt come from? From what century? Is it not from the place where the ladies did not smoke at the entrance, where before the wedding, no, no, where they did not use "cool", "cute", "hang out", "puff" and so on in conversations, where they did not like pictures of friends of the opposite sex , where they did not drive to rest in Turkey, where they did nothing at all, because it was not accepted, because it was impossible? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that the world has changed beyond recognition and that now you, girls, will never behave as you would a couple of centuries ago? And aren't you girls who are so zealous for equality and proving that you can do anything? Don't you demand independence and freedom? Well, be free in your desires and possibilities! In practice!

Should a girl be weak? Depends on the man who is nearby or who is absent. In any case, this does not prevent you from making decisions yourself. Let it even be solutions of the level “I want to hear him and therefore I will call myself, and I will not sit and wait. I want it. ” Excuses like “What if he doesn’t want it, what if I’ll interfere with him” are not accepted for the same reasons as the same, only from the lips of men. If you want, do it! If you don’t want it, don’t do it! But at the same time, you should not blame others for what you yourself do or do not do. Don't be a hypocrite.

Do you play games? Then be prepared for the fact that they will play with you, and according to the rules that will not be explained, and maybe without any rules at all. To the objections “so not fair”, I will answer: if you agree to participate in this, then it suits you, no matter what you say. It's like your boyfriend, who, deep down, your mom hates, who drinks, who goes to the bathhouse with friends, sends you from time to time, maybe even occasionally beat you gently and who last gave you flowers on your last birthday. But you never admit it to your girlfriends, because you are ashamed, because perhaps you deserve more and better, but you have what you have and live with it. And he also lives with it. And why? Afraid to be alone? Afraid to be mistaken? Afraid you won't find a better one? I don’t understand what one can be afraid of so much that one doesn’t find the strength to move forward or then admit to oneself that you have exactly what you deserve.

Unfortunately, girls in most cases are happy to take the initiative only when they do not like something: when we, men, do not live up to their expectations, when something is wrong. AND this initiative is expressed in endless claims and quarrels.

Hey! Are you really incapable of a creative initiative that will surprise, that will give you a smile and unforgettable moments, which will allow everything to go on the positive track even faster?

Are able! And you do it very well, as soon as you stop playing and start doing what you really want, and not what men do not always so willingly and almost always offer you at the wrong time.

The essence of everything is incredibly simple: no one can forbid you to manage the situation and influence your life, only inexplicable prejudices and imaginary debts. And in most cases, a man is initiative only because he sincerely wants the same thing that you do, and understands that without his activity he will never get it from you.

That is, you will never wait for this with him.

Try instead of "Why don't you ...?" say "Come on ...!"

I really don't like stereotypes. Especially when they relate to the relationship between a man and a woman. Do you remember how everyone around in childhood said: "A man takes the first step", "women's initiative is punishable", "these are men who should run after you"?

I'm sure you've heard this more than once.

Let's figure out whether a woman needs to be proactive and at what stage unobtrusiveness turns into an assault.

there is 3 things that make taking initiative a bad habit or even a disadvantage:

1. Prejudice

The relationship between the couple is formed during the meeting. And this is where most women fall into the trap.

The old social attitude is at work: the first step is humiliating. You need to wait until the man matures. In the same way, they whisper in the ear that he MUST take the first step himself.

While you are in standby mode, for one worthy man there are 10 initiative girls who will be able to attract his attention. And one of them will definitely take a vacant place in his life.

Can you wait until old age?

2. Imbalance

Providing, earning and solving are men's tasks. If in a relationship your initiative takes them over, it will end badly.

No, you can blame everything on his "difficult period". Settle him in his apartment, earn money for two and decide everything for herself. But be prepared for the fact that very soon you will become a "man in a skirt".

Being proactive is about encouraging a man to take action, but not doing for him. A woman needs to express her desire, softly and in a feminine way. Then the man himself will want to fulfill it.

Add an element of surprise and light intrigue to your sex life, but no more. And do not forget to consider his desires and preferences.

Do not be late

If you see that a man is not too interested, does not want to be with you - okay. Just accept this fact. Channel the energy in a different direction.

In this case, all your attempts to attract his attention will be perceived as an obsession and cause negativity. Do you need it?

You can't want more than a man wants.

Did you draw conclusions?

Working on relationships and communicating with a man is like riding a bicycle: you pedal in the right direction - you will ride.

In order not to harm the relationship, the initiative must be appropriate and moderate. So you leave the man the opportunity to show his.

You don't need to patronize him like a mommy, provide for him, make decisions for him, take in impudence. If a man likes it, he is not in the mood for a serious and harmonious relationship.

Best of all, a person does what he really wants. And the right initiative motivates him to make you happy in your relationship.

With faith in you
Yaroslav Samoilov.