Jokes for the new year for adults. New Year's jokes, statuses, anecdotes. Funny jokes about the new year
On New Year's holidays, which last for several days, a large company gathers at the table. Some guests leave, others come. These days you have the opportunity to chat with all your friends. It happens that in one place there are people who do not know each other. It is difficult for strangers to find common topics for conversation, and awkward silent situations arise. In this case, the owners need to prepare New Year's drawings in advance in order to defuse the situation. After all, it is known that laughter liberates people and relieves stress. You can give each guest a task in advance so that he finds some fun game for several people. In this article, you will find various New Year's jokes, pranks, and contests to entertain your company.
Games to warm up a humble audience
When gathering with friends, you can apply the following New Year's jokes and jokes that do not require leaving the table. You can start by decorating the Christmas tree, swapping traditional toys for spoons, fruits, light bulbs, sweet decorations, and small bottles of alcohol. Claim that this is your New Year's table. Meet guests at the doorstep in funny cartoon character costumes. At the table, do not rack your brains, inventing a toast. Apply the alphabet, and with the letter that falls out to you, begin your wishes. The most original congratulation should be rewarded. In between drinks, you can play the newscast. To do this, the leader writes several independent words on paper. The person who wishes must make a collapsible and cheerful news from the proposed list. New Year's drawings at the table will only warm up the audience, and it will be ready for something more original.
Hypnosis
A very fun rally in which everyone present will have fun. Several volunteers and a hypnotist (leader) participate. Volunteers should be placed on chairs in a row. The facilitator sits opposite the participants with a lit candle. One of the guests turns off the light.
After that, the hypnotist hands each player a flat plate, and the hypnosis session begins. The facilitator asks everyone to close their eyes, rub the bottom of the dinner plate, and then perform a simple action - for example, scratch their chin, forehead, rub their nose or cheek, alternating with shrugging their shoulders, tilting their heads, stamping their feet. You can think of a lot of actions, most importantly, such New Year's drawings are based on the fact that the bottom of the plate (it can be any cutlery) is heavily smoked. At the end of the session, when the lights are turned on, the faces of the participants are smeared with soot. When the meaning of what happened reaches those present, everyone will have fun.
Pepper jokes
After congratulations, entertainment at the table and a few glasses of champagne, we can recall New Year's drawings for adults and guests who know how to have fun.
A very funny joke using flour has a long history. Two participants sit facing each other. An inflatable ball is placed between them, and the players are blindfolded. Everyone must blow the ball towards the opponent. At this time, the main subject is replaced by a plate of flour.
If you want to add a little spook to the New Year's pranks, walk with a volunteer in front of those present in the next room, while taking a burning candle with you. Without turning on the light, ask the participant to put out the flame by shouting. The rest of the guests will be wary of serving and wondering what is happening in the room where you are.
For the next joke, choose a victim, put in the middle of the room and throw a sheet over her. The rules are as follows: guests must guess one thing that the participant is wearing, and he, in turn, will try to guess it. For each incorrect answer, the victim removes the named item of clothing. The joke is that guests must, according to the rules, think of a sheet. All within the law and with respect for decency.
Difficult choice
New Year's pranks, home scenes, jokes can be much more fun than those arranged by the host at corporate parties. The fact is that people who are close and similar in many respects gather at home. As a rule, the guests being played are not offended, but have fun with everyone.
For the next game, a young man is needed, who must choose one of the two girls who are in a pre-prepared room. The girls sit on the edges of a makeshift bench, assembled from stools and covered with a blanket. The host tells the guy the rules of the game. They consist in the fact that the player sits next to the girl he likes, and at the same time does not offend the other girl. You have 15 seconds to choose from. A gentleman, and most of them in a cheerful company, will sit in the middle, demonstrating his disposition towards each participant.
The funny thing is that there is no chair between the girls. The stretched veil does not betray his absence. The illusion of a long bench is created. As a result, the chooser falls into the hole with a crash.
honest dispute
Remembering New Year's jokes, drawings, contests, the owner can invite the participants to jump over a coin for a bet. After the wisher has been found, he stands in the middle of the room and prepares to jump. The owner calmly takes a penny and places it in the far corner of the room. Of course, no one can jump over it. Then the host, offering to jump over two rubles, promises that he will put them far from the wall. When a participant leaves, the owner puts a ruble in different directions, but far from each other. And in this case, the player will not jump over them at the same time.
A similar prank with a newspaper. The host bets that the contestant will not be able to push him off the piece of newspaper before the host pushes him. After a rival is found, the owner spreads a newspaper under the door and stands on it from the side to which the door does not open. Who do you think will be the first to fly off the newspaper sheet?
fun maze
Many New Year's drawings, home scenes, jokes and jokes are familiar to those present. Therefore, you need to choose a game that has not yet been used in your company. You can add something to it or modify it a little.
The next joke will make everyone present laugh during the entire competition. To do this, the clothesline must be pulled in the room so that it creates a labyrinth with obstacles that you will need to step over or crawl under them, or bend down. A guest who wants to participate is shown a room and asked to remember the location of the obstacle course. Next, he needs to go through the labyrinth blindfolded without destroying it. The audience is faced with the task of prompting the player.
The joke is that after the participant is blindfolded, the rope must be removed. The victim goes into a non-existent labyrinth, stepping over, climbing over, bending under a rope that does not exist. Guests, laughing and prompting, direct the player to the end of the maze.
clothespin contest
For this contest, you will need 20 clothespins. Two young men and two girls participate in the draw. The task is simple - find all the clothespins that are on the partners. Guys blindfolded by touch look for 5 clothespins placed on their partner's clothes. Spectators in unison count the clamps found.
Next, the partners change roles with the condition that the guys will have 10 clothespins each. After hanging, the girls blindfold and begin to look for clips on the guys' clothes. At the same time, the leader quietly removes three clamps from each player. After seven clothespins have been removed, the girls are looking for the remaining clothespins, and the audience cheers the players with clapping. After some time, the host stops the competition with the announcement that the girls did not cope and receive a consolation prize - three clothespins they did not find.
New Year's lottery - draw
In addition to contests, jokes and jokes, you can entertain guests with jokes or funny stories. And also New Year's drawings at the table can be held in the form of win-win lotteries. To do this, you need to collect small things in the house that you have not used and that you will never need. Come up with funny names for them and compose quatrains. For example, there was a spare school eraser for erasing traces from a simple pencil. Why gum is not a washing machine? We write the name on the lottery ticket. We write down the corresponding verse in a separate piece of paper. For example: a washing machine will correct all your mistakes. A new guest draws a lottery ticket at the beginning of the holiday and during the evening wonders what he will actually win?
During the holiday, the presenter announces the drawing of prizes and names the object written in the lottery. The owner responds, and the presenter reads the rhyme and presents the prize. Such a lottery is appropriate for any celebration.
New Year's contests and drawings are very relevant, as they cause a lot of positive, amuse, unite strangers and do not let you get bored.
With one of them we will share with you today.
This is a compilation New Year's toasts, anecdotes, poems and aphorisms. We collected them for several years: we wrote them out in a notebook, cut them out of newspapers (caricatures too), saved them from the Internet. You ask: how can they be useful? Very simple. A little imagination and printed or handwritten jokes turn into part of the holiday. So let's get acquainted in the article, how we use poems, jokes, toasts, jokes about the New Year.
A selection of anecdotes, toasts, jokes and poems for the New Year
If a company of friends is going to, then everything needs to be foreseen in advance. Namely: their interests, their "emancipation" in the circle of acquaintances or, as happens on New Year's Eve, strangers. Therefore, any New Year's script for adults is compiled in two parts. The first is the “warming up” one, when everyone is shy, timidly answering questions, and does not want to participate in competitions. And the second “igniting” one is at the “look: I can do anything!” stage, where everyone is already ready for adult competitions and frank dances.
So, after analyzing the skills of your guests, you can decide for which stage these developments will be useful. In our circle, New Year's poems, jokes, toasts and anecdotes are used as a warm-up.
So, we printed everything, cut it into pieces (a few jokes, toasts) and hid it like forfeits. In one of ours, we already described how you can pack the competition tasks. For example, in one year they made “cabbage”: the base is a banana, and around it were placed a lot of tasks, jokes, anecdotes. Moreover, each leaf of cabbage was hidden in foil and carefully fixed with adhesive tape to the stalk. The cabbage was passed among the guests after the first or second toast.
Hidden tasks also go with a bang when children look for and bring them to adults. As they say, all is well! Children are excited, and adults sit and eat.
But New Year's jokes, anecdotes, toasts will help to unite, warm up, make laugh.
New Year's jokes and aphorisms
Modern children are waiting, not when Santa Claus comes, but when their parents leave.
With whom you celebrate the New Year, you get drunk with it!
Sin with debts to meet the New Year. I called everyone and reminded them. It's a pity for them...
January 1 is such a day when the whole day is like one big morning.
Oh, how frosty in January, when the comforts are in the yard!
Only the New Year gives us unforgettable impressions that are impossible to remember later.
New Year is an occasion to get drunk in the old way.
New Year's toast: "In the coming New Year, I would like to not only want!"
What is the new year? .. This is dinner, smoothly turning into breakfast.Let's drink to Santa Claus and the Snow Maiden: for as long as I can remember, they don't get sick, they don't age, and there is always money for gifts!
For us to be like that too!Twice on the same ... New Years do not come! You can't celebrate the same New Year twice...
So let's drink to the timeliness, inevitability and uniqueness of this recurring holiday! For the New Year!Mother asks adult daughter:
- And what do you expect from the New Year?
- I don't really know either. I want something ... Either seeds, or ... get married!
Let's drink for everyone to have everything in the New Year!!! And even seeds!New Year is not a luxury, but a means of transportation in time!
We congratulate you on this chic, swift, beautiful, powerful holiday and wish that after the New Year's table our main means of transportation will not be denied us ... legs !!!The philosopher Diogenes said: “Being rich and having a lot of money are not the same thing. The one who is truly rich is the one who is satisfied with his life.
Let's drink for the New Year to bring us real wealth!Meeting the New Year is always a summing up of the old. But no matter how the experience is comprehended, its highest philosophy is simple and boils down to one phrase: “Live and rejoice!”
Let's drink to the joys that life gives us!New Year's jokes
- And where did your Snow Maiden go? - Ask Santa Claus.
- Yes, she was told so many compliments that she melted!Doorbell. A cheerful Santa Claus and three dense Snow Maidens burst into the room.
The owner is surprised
- O! What an impressive accompaniment Santa Claus has now!
Snow Maiden:
- And you try one drag not the hump of this wino after the tenth address!A traffic cop stops a car that has exceeded the speed limit:
- Where are you in such a hurry? he asks the driver.
- Home. We celebrated the New Year with friends, I was a little late. The wife is worried.
But it's May in the yard now!
- That's why I'm in a hurry.Ten days of the New Year holidays is a time that you can spend as you like: either without any benefit, or with great harm.
Dear santa claus! Give me a new boyfriend for the New Year! And take the former for yourself ... into deer.
I wrote a letter to Santa Claus ... I gave it to my husband ... I'm waiting ...
After the New Year tree in kindergarten, the father says to his son: “Son, you are already big, you must understand that there is no Santa Claus. It was me". "Yes I know. After all, the stork is also you.
The New Year holidays have arrived. Now the time has come when the wife does not whine to take out the Christmas tree.
After the celebration of the New Year, two friends meet: - Well, how did you celebrate the holiday? “I don’t know, they haven’t told you yet…
– Dad, guess which train is the most late? - What, son? - The one you promised me for last New Year.
They call a man on New Year's Eve. He picks up the phone: - Yes. Thanks you too. Thanks, and the same to you. Thank you, and you too.
- And let's call those without whom not a single New Year can do? - Let's ... - Police! Police!
31th of December. A child calls: - Hello, ambulance? Come soon. Our dad is crazy. He put on a red robe, felt boots and tells everyone that he is Santa Claus.
At the New Year's table. Why do you close your eyes every time you drink? - Yes, I promised my wife that in the New Year I would no longer look into a glass ...
Poems about the New Year cheer up and be useful for creating.
Let the New Year be a fairy tale
Will quietly enter your house,
And happiness, joy, kindness and affection
He will bring you a gift with him!May the New Year enter your home
With hope, joy, love.
And bring with him a gift
Great happiness and health.
Let the snow fall on your shoulders
Glasses clink, stars shine,
And everyone believes
It's not too late to test yourself.
Let's celebrate friends!
It just can't be otherwise
Fate you bright and good
With all my heart I wish.May the New Year be a happy star
Will enter your family comfort,
Hurry with the old year
Let adversity all go away!
Let every day warm with warmth
And bring a lot of happiness
And dispel all doubts
Coming at midnight New Year!
Happy New Year!
We wish you happiness with all your heart!
To live this year for you
Without sadness and worries.
So that you work with success,
And good luck in your business,
And smiles on your lips.
For love to bloom like a rose
And not sluggish from the cold,
And the kids - the house is full,
Be happy in everything!Soon, soon everything will happen!
Everything will happen soon!
Rushing towards us like a big dragon
Long-awaited New Year!
He carries on strong wings
We have health and success,
prosperity, abundance,
Lots of fun for everyone!
But in order not to frighten off luck,
And a good start to the year
You need a dragon with a mood
Be sure to meet!Santa Claus in a sleigh rushes to you,
He brings you gifts.
A miracle will happen on New Year's Eve
And luck will come to you!
With childish faith in your happiness,
Live this year.
understanding and participation
Let it live in your heart!New Year! Hurrah Hurrah!
What a wonderful time!
Joy, songs, kids
Has been worn since morning.
Everyone is getting ready to meet
Celebrate the bright holiday.
Happiness, joy! And so
New Year is comingI wish Santa Claus
The bag brought you joy,
Another bag - with laughter,
And let the third - with success!
Your sadness, your longing
Put you in a bag for him.
Let him take it all
And take it away to the forest!May you have a good New Year
It will bring a lot of happiness!
If there were failures, it was difficult sometimes -
Everything will be different in the new one, it always happens!
Happiness, cheerfulness, success, away from illness and trouble!
Fulfillment of all desires in the coming year!Here the parties are over
Hustle and bustle and booze.
No more lack of sleep
More muzzle is not broken.
There is no peel on the ears,
Legs, hands are not in bandages.
Cleanliness, order in the house,
No bottles on the balcony.
There are no fireworks in salads,
All doors are reattached.
There is no sausage on the chandelier,
Panties are not scattered. Elena and Yuri Bredyuk
About the New Year:
Telephone conversation on New Year's Eve:
Hello, is this an insurance company? Tell me, can we insure the house over the phone?
- No, It is Immpossible. Now we will send our representative, and he will conclude an agreement with you.
- Okay, send it. Just hurry up, otherwise the Christmas tree is already burning down and the carpet is starting to smoke!
A 16-year-old boy comes home on January 1st.
Mother:
- Well, son, did you celebrate?
Son:
- As always, got drunk, then fucked.
Mother:
- Were there girls?
They see two drug addicts at the metro station, a boy who walks with a poster and shouts:
- New Year - without drugs!
One addict asks another:
- What is he yelling? I do not catch up with something.
- He says that before the New Year you need to smoke all the weed.
Father Frost:
— Dear children! I rushed to you from distant Lapland, drove three deer, a sheepskin coat and a hat along the way.
I love children so much that they even wanted to sew an article on me for this!
Husband and wife say to friends:
Come join us for the New Year.
- We can not.
“That's so kind of you.
Every year on December 31, my friends and I go to the bathhouse. And not because we have such a tradition, but because each time, asking his wife for permission to bring friends to the holiday, each of us hears the traditional answer:
"Go to the bath, all of you!"
Kids, brother and sister, are making a snowman. Boy says:
- All right, almost ready. I'll run to the kitchen, I'll take a carrot.
Sister:
“Take two, we’ll make his nose too.”
Dad, guess which train is the most late?
- What, son?
— The one you promised to give me for last New Year.
Shortly before the New Year, a grandson was brought to the grandmother. The kid was tired from the road, and he was put to bed. When he woke up in a bad mood and whimpering, the grandmother said:
- If you don't be capricious, Santa Claus will give you a tower crane.
- Great! he rejoiced. Now I have two of them.
- Why two? Grandma was surprised.
- And I found the second one under your bed.
31th of December.
Optimist: - The new year will be better than the old one.
Pessimist: - The new year will be worse than the old one.
Realist: - Well, I'll get drunk again!
The man decided to surprise his wife. At Christmas he dressed up as Santa Claus, he came, his wife opened the door.
“Well, come to me, my dear! he exclaims from the doorway. He hugs her, kisses her, puts her in the bedroom, begins to undress, takes off his clothes and beard ...
Wife:
- God! So it's you!
“If I am forced to stay on a business trip,” the husband says to his wife,
- and I will not return to the meeting of the New Year, I will send you a telegram.
You can't send! I've already read it, it's in your coat pocket!!!
Grandmother asks her granddaughter:
What would you like to receive as a gift from Santa Claus?
“Contraceptive pills,” the girl replies.
“Checkmark, why do you need this disgusting thing?! Grandma exclaims in horror.
- Grandma, well, just think: I already have four dolls, where do I need another fifth?
Vovochka pulls a condom over his head. That one is torn. Little Johnny curses and tries to put on another. That one also rips. Vovochka:
— Anyway, I'll dress up for the New Year!
What does the Christmas tree give people?
- The blissful feeling of free space, after her
threw away!
"Dear santa claus!!! All I want for New Year's is your list of girls who have misbehaved."
Poll of the inhabitants of the country before the New Year:
What do you usually get as a New Year's gift? (poll among men)
— Socks — 50%
— Ties — 50%
— Other — 0%
What do you usually get for New Year's? (poll among women)
— Other — 50%
- Completely different, not that - 40%
- Not quite right - 9%
- One thing, but another is needed - 1%
Have you ever thought about having sex with the Snow Maiden?
(poll among men)
- Flashed - 100%
Do you drink vodka on New Year's Eve?
- I did not understand the question ... - 13%
- In what sense? - eighteen %
- Ordinary vodka? - 23%
- How to understand "drink vodka"? - 22%
- All of the above - 24%
What will you drink for the New Year - vodka or champagne?
– Champagne – 100%
– Vodka – 100%
When will you celebrate the New Year?
- From 31st to 1st - 10%
- From 31st to 5th - 50%
- From 25th to 5th - 20%
- It doesn't depend on me - 20%
Is it hard for you to eat this snowball?
— Yum — 30%
– Khrum – 30%
- Am - 10%
— Are there any more? - thirty %
There were two children in the family - one is a pessimist and the other is an optimist. The new year is coming. Their parents decided to "level up", well, so that there were not such extremes, and prepared gifts: a horse for a pessimist, and a pile of horse manure for an optimist. The kids wake up in the morning...
Pessimist: - Hyyy, horseaaa ... Small, but I wanted a big one ... brown, and I wanted gray in apples ... Woodyyyyyyyyyyy, but I wanteduyu
Optimist: - And I'm LIVE! Just RUN!
Morning of January 1st.
On the table is a note: Happy New Year!
P.S. Salt in the refrigerator.
P.P.S. Refrigerator in the kitchen.
A traffic cop stops a car that has exceeded the speed limit.
- Where are you in such a hurry? he asks the driver.
— Home. We celebrated the New Year with friends, I was a little late. The wife is worried.
“But now May is in the yard.
- That's why I'm in a hurry.
Chamber in the maternity hospital. Professor's tour. Questions, answers...
It turned out that everyone was going to give birth on the same day - October 1. The professor is surprised. They explain to him:
- And we celebrated the New Year in the same company.
Son to father:
- Daddy, why did you hang the candy on the Christmas tree so high?
- And this is so that you, baby, do not eat them until the New Year.
- So what should I eat now, daddy, serpentine?
The husband argues with his wife for a long time. Completely exhausted, he says:
- Okay, in honor of the New Year, let it be your way ...
- Late! I already changed my mind!
They put a hare - the manager of the forest. Well, on New Year's Eve, the animals all gathered - we need to decorate the Christmas tree, but the hare does not give the Christmas tree, it's too strict. Well, the animals persuaded the fox, they say you are the most cunning, so ask the hare. The fox comes to the hare:
- Bunny, sun, give me a Christmas tree ...
- No way, damn it.
- Bunny, well, a little ...
- He said, no matter what!
- Bunny, can I at least have a pine tree? Hare thinking...
- OK. Pine so that no one sees, take a birch and go ...
After the Christmas tree in kindergarten, the father says to his son:
- Son, you are already big, you must understand that there is no Santa Claus. It was me.
- Yes I know. After all, the stork is also you.
Following the action "Click Santa Claus!" Coca-Cola is planning to launch Santa Claus Backup and Formatney Snegurochka promotions from the New Year.
The guests stayed for the New Year, the hostess no longer knows what to do. Telephone call. She comes up and then the idea ... Comes back and yells:
- Fire, fire! All:
- Who's on fire?
"I didn't hear... one of you."
- Santa Claus, thank you for the gift you brought me.
- A trifle, not worth a thank you.
“I think so too, but my mother told me to say so.”
“Here’s a New Year’s present for you,” the father says, handing the guitar to his son.
- Thanks! thanks the son. “Wait, why is it without strings?”
“Not all at once, son. Once you learn how to play, then we'll buy the strings.
- Santa Claus, is it true that the Snow Maiden is going to get married?
- No, it's not true. She can't marry.
- And why?
- It can melt from friction.
- Girls, and Santa Claus, it turns out, is greedy!
- Where did you get it?
- And he, instead of bringing me his gift, found a doll that my mother hid in the closet, and put it under the Christmas tree.
- Snow Maiden, why do you go bare-chested?
- Yes, my Santa Claus lost his beard somewhere.
- So what?
So that no one notices.
The men are discussing how they met the New Year.
“It has only just struck twelve,” says one, “when I hear a knock on the door. I open it, and there is the Snow Maiden. Well, we are with her and gave the heat!
“And I,” another one joins in, “as always, I sucked a couple of bubbles and went outside. I wake up - next to a naked woman. Yes, all so lush, white. Had a great time too.
"Well, why are you so thoughtful?"
- Yes, I'm trying to understand, in figs she had a bucket on her head, and why does her nose have a carrot?
- How did you celebrate the New Year?
Yes, as a gift...
- What is it like?
- I spent the whole night lying under the tree ...
Santa Claus says to the snowman:
- Don't give me a blowjob!
- So what?
- No, I pierced my whole stomach with a carrot!
Russians have a tradition on New Year's Eve to invite a drunken muzhik with a beard to their home ...
Santa Claus, already pretty, comes on the next call:
- What would you like, dear boy, as a gift? The child, without saying a word, hits Santa Claus in the face.
"Boy, why?"
- This is from last year.
— Dear Santa Claus, make my parents love each other again. And to do it somehow differently, otherwise you can die from boredom ...
At the New Year's Eve, famous politicians will perform popular songs:
V. Putin - "Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask",
A. Lukashenko - "Beznadega.RU",
L. Kuchma - "Oh fat mia",
B. Yeltsin - "You understand",
duet Y. Luzhkov and V. Shandybin - "I'm losing my roots",
V. Zhirinovsky - "I am a chocolate hare, I am an affectionate bastard",
duet B. Berezovsky and V. Gusinsky - "They won't catch up with us."
Noisy New Year's feasts, New Year's corporate parties, friendly meetings during the holidays - there are moments when nothing comes in handy like a good New Year's anecdote or joke. And if you are a born actor and humorist, do not deny the audience the pleasure of laughing heartily and charging with a good mood. Mister Christmas wishes everyone a merry New Year and hopes that the selection of New Year's jokes we have collected will cause a lot of smiles and uncontrollable laughter.
Gifts should be bought at the last minute to avoid crowding among people who choose to buy gifts in advance to avoid stampede.
Dad, guess which train is the most late?
What, son?
The one you promised to give me last New Year.
Do you know how to distinguish the Snow Maiden from Santa Claus?
- Look carefully at the sheepskin coats. Some have buttons fastened from left to right, and some have the opposite.
Hello. Did you buy a Christmas tree?
Bought. We just don't know how to set it up.
Green up.
In the New Year, everything comes true, even what cannot be sold at other times.
Mom, can I go for a walk in the yard with the others?
- You've already peeled the potatoes; cleaned all the rooms; did the lessons; read "War and Peace"; went to the grocery store; took out the trash; washed his things; played with my younger sister; wrote a letter to grandfather; washed the windows and wiped the dust; rolled up cans of compote; fixed the faucet in the bathroom and sewed a bunny costume for your brother for the New Year? Not?!!
Then you still say that I find fault ...
70 percent of people decorate the Christmas tree only from the side that is visible.
And where did your Snow Maiden go? - they ask Santa Claus.
Yes, she was told so many compliments that she melted!
Christmas trees before the New Year try to look as bad as possible.
New Year, festive table. A fork falls slowly from the table. The father of the family, overturning the table, catches the fork a centimeter from the floor.
Phew, thank God, there won't be any more guests.
And then the daughter comes into the room and says: -
Papa, papa! Aunt Sonya got stuck in the elevator.
MarVanna crucifies before the fifth "B":
What time is it: "he cleans, she cleans, you clean..."?
Vovochka, thoughtfully:
Must be New Year's Eve.
Will you have a tangerine?
What if I clean it up?
A Russian tourist was walking along the New Year's Eve street in Hanoi and saw that a Dragon was walking towards him.
"Fortunately," thought the tourist.
Dinner, Dragon thought.
Claustrophobia is the fear of Santa Claus.
The negro, after studying in Russia, returns to his homeland. The tribesmen who surrounded the newcomer inquire:
Hy, how do you like the famous Russian winter?
The one with grass and leaves is still tolerable. And the one with SNOW is just some kind of nightmare! ..
So, what did you decide about the New Year?
We decided - let it come.
The little boy comes home all scratched, his face is scratched, his hands are scratched, his chest is also scratched.
Son, what happened?
Yes, you know, dads, we had a matinee in the kindergarten, and we had a round dance ... There are few children, but the tree is big ...
Exchange. Above the windows on the hall is a room. three brokers. Two rush about, three telephone receivers in their hands, yelling: "Bring it to two! Take it! Throw ten and turn it over! Four down!..." One, dreamily looking out the window:
Snow is falling... Second pause...
Came somehow to the hobbits for the New Year grandfather Gandalf. They sang songs, danced round dances. Then grandfather says: - Sell!!!
Christmas tree, light up!
And the tree doesn't light up.
He again:
Christmas tree, light up!
To no avail. Then grandfather got angry and commanded:
Naur ann adriat ammin!
The fire was extinguished in the morning...
How was your New Year?
So how did it go?
Defendant, when did you discover someone else's wallet?
As soon as you found him, you should immediately hand over to the police.
There was no one in the police that day.
And the next day?
The next day there was nothing in the wallet.
We have two holidays in Siberia: New Year and summer. And both last the same.
The whole country, exhausted by the hardest celebration of the New Year, on the morning of January 11, happily went to work ...
Dear, I so want for the New Year ... a fur coat ... - You are my hostess! Tomorrow I will go and buy beets and herring!!!
The longer the nose of a snowman, the more vitamins it contains.
"It's cold for a small Christmas tree in winter! We took a Christmas tree home from the forest ..." - the stoker sang.
Restaurant. New Year. Half past one at night.
- Waiter, what kind of steak you gave me! I haven't been able to cut it for half an hour!
- You can take your time, sir, today we close at seven in the morning.
Sema! Why didn't they give you a train ticket?
- They said that all the tickets are booked for it until the New Year!
What is this, an armored train?
New Year's cocktail "I didn't understand" - an empty glass is taken ... that's it.
A young family celebrates the New Year. One of the guests asks:
- And who is the owner of your house?
Wife:
- Master, raise your voice!
Husband (mournfully):
- Woof!
A conversation between two eternally hungry students:
- Listen, Vasya, maybe let's get a piglet, we'll raise it, feed it, and in four months, just in time for the New Year, we'll kill it, huh?
- No, you think, such a stink, dirt ...
- Don't worry, Vasya, he'll get used to it...
Grandfather Frost, you came to us last New Year with some drunken woman, washed your hands in compote, ate all the food from the dog bowl, and then, shouting "And now into the snowballs," began to throw cabbage rolls! I liked it... come again. Petya is 6 years old.
1. The husband asks his wife:
- Honey, what will you give me for the New Year?
- Myself!
- Oh, of course, the year of the Monkey!
2. And on the last New Year, Santa Claus again climbed through the pipe to us. But suddenly dad returned from a business trip. That year I got the whole bag of gifts - a box of chocolates, three bottles of champagne and a pack of strange balloons.
3. For the third time I am trying to buy alcohol for the New Year. It all ends with a tasting...
4. Last New Year I refused Olivier. In this I will try to refuse tangerines - I must find out why I feel so bad on January 1st.
5. - I would like to meet the New Year in an unusual way.
- Try to meet sober.
No, I don't like extreme sports.
6. Kids, brother and sister, are making a snowman. Boy says:
- All right, almost ready. I'll run to the kitchen, I'll take a carrot.
Sister:
- Take two, we'll make his nose too.
7. -Look, today is only December 31, and already someone threw out the Christmas tree
-Yes, I'm last year's, otherwise there was nowhere to put a new one
8. Now it is clear that the New Year has passed. The first still timid Christmas trees began to appear in the garbage cans.
9. I'm going to be an analyst for the New Year. I will follow: Is everyone full?
10. -Listen, are you going somewhere for the New Year?
- Yes, drunk.
11. - Mom, what to give you for the New Year?
- Cleanliness and order in the house.
- Well, mom, make a real gift already!
Funny jokes about the new year are short
12. - Grandfather, Grandfather Frost! I want a big red fire truck for the New Year!
- Good! - said Santa Claus and set fire to the apartment ...
13. Two drunk men are talking:
- Why did you pull Santa Claus by the beard?
I wanted to check if it's real or not.
- So how?
- It turned out to be real. I don't know what to do with her now?
14. January 8, winter, evening, cold. A traffic cop is standing on a snowy road. A jeep is coming along. He slows him down, comes closer and sees two mules in him.
- What do you want?
Traffic cop:
- I'm ... May I carol?
15. Why is Santa Claus always happy?
- Because he knows where bad girls live.
16. - And let's call those without whom not a single New Year can do?
-Let's!
- Police! Police!
17. Survived! In stores, almost all products are last year's! Where is Rospotrebnadzor looking?
18. New Year, like my mother-in-law. Meet, do not meet, all the same will be pinned.
19. - I gave mine diamond earrings for the New Year, and she gave me a fucking cologne.
“Did you also want diamond earrings?”
20. - Has the New Year mood already appeared?
- Not yet.
- Then I'll go for the second bottle.
21. Set a goal for yourself - in the new year do not quit smoking, do not stop drinking, do not start exercising and do not lose weight. And you will succeed.