The balance between "Taking" and "Giving" is the most important law. "Give and Take" by Bert Hellinger (about the third order of Love)

This law does not apply to hierarchy, but pervades all life. He is - in my opinion - the basis of any harmonious relationship. And any difficult relationship violates it in one way or another.

This is the law of balance. In any relationship, we must strike a balance between "take" and "give." In this case, a harmonious relationship is like a gymnast on a tightrope under a dome. With a long pole in hand. He can only resist by balancing. And if one side of the pole outweighs, the gymnast will fall down. So is the relationship.

How we break the balance

For example, a woman inherently loves to give - to serve, help, support. And at the same time for many it is a problem to take. Accept gifts, compliments, help. At this moment it seems that you again owe something again. It is much easier not to accept, so as not to be in debt. And again give, give, give…. I know this very well from my own experience. And it is this behavior of women that destroys relationships.

Of course, most of us are not 100% givers or 100% takers. In some situations we take too much, and in others we give too much. But it is important to understand that there must be balance in any relationship.

If you give and give all the time, but don't take anything, the person remains in a huge debt to you. It's as if you are hanging a huge loan around his neck, which he will never give back. First, you don't take anything from him. And secondly, there both the interest and the penalty drop ... A person cannot live with such a burden - and he has no other option but to leave. And after that, he still remains guilty - because I gave him the best years of my life.

If you take all the time, but do not give anything, then sooner or later, the partner is exhausted. The moment comes when he cannot give any more. And he begins to want something over the years. He asks, demands, takes offense, gets angry ... If you are not ready to give something, then the relationship is also doomed.

How to maintain balance

It is believed that when receiving something good, it is always necessary to give a little more to a person. That is, for example, he brought you a chocolate bar, and you brought him two tomorrow. Then he'll be three for you tomorrow. And you give him four. And in such a relationship, love increases every second. Because every moment of time, both think about how to make their loved one happy and give him a little more. And here everything is clear :)

But there is also another exchange. If someone hurts another. What should be done? Sit and smile? Say: "I forgive you generously?" Will it make the relationship stronger? Not.

For example, my husband cheated. Comes with a confession. And the wife is not a tear, not a reproach. Forgives. Immediately. What's happening? His guilt is multiplied a hundredfold (I am such a bastard, and my wife is a saint!). She gets taller than him. And the family is already doomed. Love in them dies, because with such an imbalance it cannot live. He will live with her out of Guilt. She is out of a sense of Duty.

This is not about not forgiving. On the contrary. You need to forgive. But from the perspective of equality. From a systemic point of view, in this case, you need to respond to your partner with something bad, but a little less.

That is, in response to his betrayal, the wife MUST throw a scandal, not talk to him for some time, and so on. That is, to hurt him. But! A little less. And then everything bad in the family will tend to zero.

Balance has to be everywhere

But the most important thing is that the exchange applies to everything around. To relationships in business, at work, with friends.

Have you noticed that when a person gives his whole soul at work for a meager salary, for some reason he is fired?

Or do the friends you help all the time often become impudent and break up the relationship?

Also, a business from which money is constantly being pulled out without investing anything, sooner or later dies.

These are the natural laws of growth and development of everything around. It is very important for us to learn how to maintain balance. It is important to take everything that is given to us by partners and give as much as is required.

The only relationship in which the law works a little differently is the parent-child relationship. Parents always only give to children. Children only take from their parents. In order to give it back later - but not back to parents, but to your children. That is, you need to take and give. Just "in other hands."

Energy flows from ancestors to descendants, and never vice versa. We cannot turn the river of love back, and if we do this, the result will be sad.

Parents give us life, and this is an unpaid debt. Our task is to accept this gift. Take with all your heart. Agree that we can never return it to them. Never. This is a divine gift that we receive through our parents.

Our task is to pass this fire of Life on - to our children. And not require them to repay debts. Just watch them transfer energy to their children and so on. I will write about this separately, because the topic is too vast and burning.

How to apply this to yourself

1. I recommend that you apply everything written only to yourself. Only then is there an opportunity to change something. Do not think about the partner, where he belongs. And to think - where I belong, what I do, and what - not.
2. If I give a lot, what should I do? You need to temporarily stop actively giving. And learn to take. If given. If they don't give it yet, then learn not to wait until they start giving.
3. If I take a lot, what should I do? Temporarily stop taking and start learning to give. If they don't, then what to do? At the very least, stop taking.
4. How to measure "more" and "less" - in terms of returning a little more good or a little less bad? By my own feelings and my own conscience. Each of us within ourselves always knows where this line is.
5. Is it okay to return the bad everywhere? From my point of view, it is not normal to pretend that everything is fine. And in any relationship, you need to help your partner grow with the help of criticism as well. The form of criticism can be different. In response to betrayal, we are obliged to react, otherwise the relationship will collapse completely. In response to a momentary inattention - at your discretion, depending on the degree of mental pain.
6. Relationships are always about exchange and movement. You can move either up or down. Either the relationship grows stronger and develops, or it dies and degrades. Personally, this knowledge helps me develop relationships. That is why I am writing about this.

Relationships are always about exchange and movement. You can move either up or down. Either the relationship grows stronger and develops, or it dies and degrades. Personally, this knowledge helps me develop relationships. That is why I am writing about this.

I wish everyone to find the point at which it will be comfortable and easy to take everything that is given by life, God and people. And at the same time it will also be easy and joyful to give something else to Life, God and people.

Human relations are unthinkable without exchange. One gives, the other takes and vice versa.

The surest way to ruin a relationship is to upset the balance of "take" and "give."

If you are in trouble in any relationship right now, check to see if this balance is being struck.

You can give and take anything you want: money, attention, care, help.

How and when the balance is disturbed:

• One is only ready to take, but does not want to give. Got my portion and went
• The person takes, but gives an unequal amount in return
• One gives too much, while the other is not ready to accept so much

In the adult world, relationships presuppose balance. If it is violated, then this is the ground for conflicts. The more the balance is disturbed, the more weighty the conflict.

The situation when one is only ready to take, but does not give in response, is appropriate only in the case of a mother and a child.

Otherwise, everyone does not like it. There is often anger at this state of affairs. And this is a ground for grievances.

For example, a man takes the attention and resources of a woman, but he does not invest anything in the relationship. An employer who uses human labor but does not pay for it.

When you give excessively, and at the same time take nothing, then this situation leads you to exhaustion. Soon, you will have nothing to give, tk. you are not filled. Sometimes, those who like to be in a state of sacrifice love this behavior very much. "I gave him my whole life, and he!"

And sometimes this method is beneficial to keep the other in the relationship. Only in an unhealthy way, but with the help of guilt. As long as I give you so much, you owe me a priori, because you cannot give back. And that means there is guilt that he did not pay back enough. And guilt can be very good at restraining the debtor. We are not free while we must.

How to avoid upsetting the take-and-give balance in a relationship:

1. Negotiate, clearly and clearly discuss positions, so that it is clear to all parties. Expectations, omissions, assumptions often play a cruel joke with us and we fall into their trap. We think that the other understood us and expect something from him, but it turns out that everything happened only in our head.

2. Watch Your Feelings Closely, if I'm angry or someone else is angry with me, where can the balance be upset here? What have I received less or from me?

3. Compensate for what you can compensate. In word or deed. Sometimes gratitude and recognition of the other's worth is enough, and the conflict is settled.

4. Learn to take and receive if you are constantly giving. To do this, for a while, it is important to stop giving, so as not to deplete.

5. Learn to say no, so as not to give when you yourself are in a state of insufficient strength, resources, opportunities to avoid exhaustion.

© Julia Bozhenova

Questions to yourself

• How are you doing with the take-and-give balance?
• How much do you realize it in life?

The founder of one of the family constellation methods, Bert Hellinger, believed that when receiving something good from a partner in a relationship, you always need to give a little more in return. Thus, the love between partners is constantly increasing.

Let's say right away that we do not share this concept entirely. Our practice of working with clients shows that this position sometimes causes psychological stress and this is connected with a sense of duty to return more than received. In the end, not everyone is ready to accept the amount of beauty that is given to them (sometimes this is simply unnecessary), and not everyone has the resource to give a little more in return. In each pair, the balance to take and give is built individually. We consider a viable option when partners give and take in equally equal proportions.

And now about what happens in pairs, when the balance of taking and giving is violated.

Let's take a brief look at some situations to begin with, and so that you don't get very bored, let's call the heroes Guidon and Chloe.

One of the partners takes more and gives less (Guidon, you understand, not Chloe. After all, the women wrote the article).

From such a situation, Chloe will sooner or later go berserk or simply be unhappy with her. It all depends on her character and temperament, well, and the methods of upbringing that were applied to Chloe in childhood. Perhaps she gives something to Guidon more in a relationship just because she wants to stimulate him to give her more in return. It could be that way to appeal to Guidon's conscience. Like, sooner or later he will become uncomfortable, because he receives so much love from her that this should make him want to respond in kind. But achieving what he wants in this way is difficult, because by continuing to respond to his relationship costs by investing more in them, Chloe reinforces his line of behavior (giving less, but consuming more). Why would Guidonchik change something when he received more and receives more? Rides like a dumpling in sour cream. It would be much more logical to create balance. And give Guidon exactly as much as Guidon gives Chloe. Sour cream should be equally! And see what comes of it. Here, of course, Guidon can become brutal, but this will already be a sad story about Guidon the consumer and Chloe the victim.

Sometimes a person unconsciously chooses for himself the role of a partner someone who consumes more and is not ready to give as much. This may be due to the fact that the idea was cultivated in Chloe that not everything is all right with her, and she simply does not deserve more. She found herself in a trash heap and must live there forever, preferably in the same place, so as not to spend money on the funeral. Sometimes this attitude is masked by modesty and is a family tradition of chanting sacrifice in oneself.

It is better to find out the reasons for your personal situations in the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist. Self-diagnosis may be wrong. The main thing here is not to ignore your feelings about what is happening to you, not to suppress feelings and not to justify your partner.

If you, reading, recognize Chloe in yourself, then you need to deal with this. Getting less than you want is impossible to convince yourself that you are getting enough love and care. By self-deception, you can unconsciously bring yourself to an illness, for example, in order to feel truly loved, when you are looked after helplessly and show a more reverent attitude than before. More love and care! Isn't it beauty? True, you have to be sick for this. A person may sincerely not be aware that he launches this process himself.

There are times when the feeling that the partner gives less is erroneous. It is also possible and necessary to work with this. This most likely suggests that there is a “gaping wound of emptiness” inside you, which cannot be saturated with love in any way. And it was formed from some kind of traumatic situation. And to heal it, the person feels the need for such an amount of love that the partner is not able to give you. He may feel exhausted, because he is not able to be your mother or father. He has a different role. It is very difficult to feel like a full-fledged partner in such a situation, when the feeling that a loved one is experiencing a constant hunger for love is exhausting, and also reproaches you for indifference.

It is natural that in such a relationship, the one asking for love will face the anger of the partner. In this case, without recognition of the situation and the necessary therapy, the relationship between the partners may end.

If you feel an imbalance in your relationship, you should definitely tell your partner about this and explain what you think it is. Naturally, not in the form of a claim, but in a benevolent form. We remember that no one owes us anything and owes nothing.

Consider the case when Chloe, overly active in love, lowers her activity and evens out the balance in the hope of revealing the scale of Guidon's need to accept love. Guidon can react to the change in the take-give balance in a relationship with a dissatisfied Chloe quite unexpectedly for her. Namely NO. Let's say it's okay to give Guidon as much as he gives. And he has no expectations from Chloe that she should give him more beauty. If Chloe comes up with the idea of \u200b\u200bbestowing love on her Guidos without consuming the same amount of love from him, then it is useful for Chloe to know that she may well accumulate guilt in Guidon for the good done to him. And guilt, as you know, makes you feel aggression. Does Chloe want to be a victim of the wrath of the righteous? What is Chloe's goal? Likewise, Chloe herself may well turn into a real Miger Lvov due to the fact that she gives, and in return does not receive what she wants. At first, this may be a situation where no one is squeezing anything anywhere. But over time ... Enrages! It seems that giving should be done without expecting anything in return. It may last for some time, but not forever. Your overwhelming amount of care, attention and love will suffocate your partner or drive you crazy.

If Chloe lacks such an amount of attention and love that Guidon gives her, then she either satisfies her needs somewhere else and with someone, or she suffers.

Sometimes this means that the relationship is not constructive to continue unless you see an opportunity to meet some of the needs outside of your couple. It will be a constant torment and it makes sense to end the relationship.

Of course, a partner can change their form of interaction over time and increase their degree of love for you. But it is not a fact that it will be so, and not otherwise. It may well be that this will not happen. Consider: Are you willing to wait for your Guidon to mature to give more? How long are you willing to wait, by the way? Determine the timing. This will keep you from getting stuck in an unsatisfying relationship. Again, discuss what you expect from your partner and how you see the development of events.

It is possible that Guidon's parents tormented him with a sense of duty. And Guidon is not ready to owe anyone. The situation in itself is a burden to him, when you need to give something to someone in return. And so he chooses to give as much as he can give. Such an amount of love that does not make him feel guilty. Without therapy, this situation is unlikely to change.

It is important to maintain a give-and-take balance not only in love relationships, but also in friendship and any other partnership. It should also be noted that, according to Bert Hellinger, there must be a balance in the bad things that happen between people. If one of the partners hurts the other, then the other seeks to return this pain. And I must do it, otherwise the balance is disturbed. But the story will be about this a little later. Stay tuned for new episodes of Guidon and Chloe. Love and balance to you.

Surely each of you has heard that there are different laws in life, which with an enviable frequency justify their existence. These are laws that someone once formulated, carefully observing life, people. Simple patterns that will help each person feel better in this world and find inner harmony.

In this article, I would like to talk about give-take law.

In my opinion, this law is from the field of energy exchange. We all interact with each other, which means we exchange energy. AND the equivalence of this exchange gives us the opportunity to competently build relationships with others.

This law sounds as follows: giving is as important as the ability to take, the equivalence of these actions leads to balance in relationships and in life.

We can imagine many situations where this balance is upset and this leads to the collapse of relationships or events.

For example, a girl starts dating a guy, but all the time she is determined to take as much as possible from him. What happens next? The young man, being in love, is ready to give everything that he has. But after a while, without receiving nourishment from the girl, he turns into an empty vessel. The energy went completely into her. And in this way, the feelings can quickly cool down. A girl, not giving in return her love and interest in this person, turns out only a short benefit. Since this situation quickly dries up, it loses energy.

Another variant. A person reads books all his life and replenishes his knowledge. But he is so absorbed in this process of obtaining information that he does not want to do anything with it. It just accumulates it in itself. After some time, such knowledge simply loses its meaning. After all, they are not returned to the world in a revised version. They don't give anyone new knowledge. And it turns out that a person takes, takes, and as a result turns into a swamp, in which knowledge decays and loses its energy.

And here's another option, which can also be often found in life. A person unable to take condemns himself to devastation. He just dries up at some point and loses the ability to love, care and be loved. A woman who eternally cares about others, to the detriment of her own time, health, etc. She constantly gives. And as soon as situations arise when you can take it, it gets lost and, as a rule, refuses. Well, because it is somehow inconvenient. In fact, she also makes an unequal exchange. And as a rule, this leads to the fact that a person's whole life is spent for the sake of others. And when emptiness arises, then a person finally pays attention to himself and realizes that he has not received anything in this life. Desiring after all the bestowal, he does not receive it. And not because others are bad. And because they are already accustomed to taking. And they are not ready to give at all.

The principle of "give-take" helps us not only to fill, but also to be filled.

Pay attention to your life, your behavior. How often do you exchange energy equally with those around you? Are you a donor of energy, or are you taking more than you are willing to give?

Of course, everything in life is relative. And with someone we can be more takers or more givers.

If there are any distortions in your life, then pay attention to this law.

Relationships may not go well. And then look do you give and take? If you are worried about a situation, determine if everything in it was in balance in terms of energy metabolism.

Also, each person has their own values. And what is valuable to one person may not matter to another. Therefore, in any relationship, it is important to get to know your partner, to understand how you can give the energy that you received from him.

For example, a man can give expensive gifts, but this does not mean that you should return everything exactly to the penny with some similar present. Most likely, there will be a return for him - this is your attention, your admiring glance. And believe me, it will be an equal exchange.

Or another option. You realized that the return at work exceeds all possible profits. It turns out that you give a lot, but get little in return. Determine what could be valuable to you in that place? Prestige, career, financial rewards, training opportunities, etc. Once you've made a list like this, you don't have to ask for a pay raise. You can offer to send you to courses or give a new project and agree on a percentage.

As you can see here it is also important to understand yourself and your needs.

The give-and-take law is simple to execute. But it is also important to catch the imbalance when it occurs.

It so happens that in a relationship, people understand that they are not ready to give due to a lack of strength, feelings, time. And in order not to break this law, it is better to tell your partner right away what you are ready for and what you are not. In this way, you will not only restore balance, but also receive gratitude for your honesty and openness. But this is the key to a good relationship.