Is it necessary or not to help adult children with money? Everyone answers this question differently depending on gender, age, upbringing and the presence of children. Weighty arguments are enough for both an affirmative and a negative answer.

• Refusing to help your child if he needs it is selfishness and indifference.
• If parents will not support their children, why then does the institution of the family exist?
• If parents do not help their children, they, in turn, will not take care of them in their old age.

"Against":

• Parents are not required to support their children until their retirement.
• If you help children all your life, then there will be no strength, no time, no money for your own interests and well-deserved rest.
• It is necessary to educate in children independence, consciousness and the habit of relying only on themselves.

Andrey, 30 years old:

— I come from a small town, and my parents are factory workers. My mother did not have the opportunity to pay for my studies, so I had to enroll on a paid basis, take a loan, and then transfer to the budget. All the years of study at the institute I worked. Honestly, I don’t remember a single Student’s Day or a normal New Year. How many professions I changed - I can’t tell: a loader, a waiter, a sales manager, and a security guard. Parents helped in any way they could, that is, food 2 times a month. Two years after graduating from high school, I built an apartment, a small odnushka. Now, of course, I have a car, money and a family, and recently my son was born. Will I help him when he is an adult? You know, yes. Because I don’t want him, like me, to have neither childhood nor youth. All I remember from being a student is constant sleep deprivation and hunger. Our children should be better than us, I want my son to have everything.

Inna, 27 years old:

- My parents, in half with my husband's parents, bought us an apartment, a two-room apartment in a residential area. Now they are helping with the children. In addition, my parents paid for my studies at the institute and for a whole year before admission - numerous courses and tutors. I am very grateful to them, but I see how difficult it all is for them, and I feel ashamed to accept help. And they say that they are so used to it that they can’t do it any other way. I am a qualified specialist, however, now on maternity leave, but I try not to sit idle, I earn extra money. I compensate for the help of parents with good gifts.

I'm not sure that I will be helping my children as much as I can. This is not entirely correct. No, not because I'm afraid to raise selfish or lazy people, it all depends on upbringing. Well, people just have to live for themselves, and not just for someone else. And then first you help the children, then the grandchildren. Although this is a difficult question, and the answer to it must be given on the basis of a particular family.

Few will argue that in our country, as well as throughout the post-Soviet space, there is a tradition to always and in everything help your children, no matter what age or marital status they are. And this is connected not so much with the boundless love of Belarusian parents for their children, but with the economic situation. It is extremely difficult for a young person, especially in a foreign city, without work experience and financial support to get on his feet and turn from a student into a highly paid specialist. And if you already have your own family and small children, then you need to either gratefully accept the help of the older generation, or work hard for 10-15 years before achieving material well-being. Therefore, a rare Belarusian parent thinks in terms of “clothing, feeding, educating” in matters of child maintenance, in our reality it is “clothing, feeding, educating, marrying, building an apartment.”

In the USA, Canada and many European countries, the approach to the issue of helping adult children is exactly the opposite. In these states, it is not customary not only to help adult children, but also to influence them in any way. If the parents have a good income, and the children live modestly with their families, it would never occur to anyone that you can ask mom and dad for money. It is extremely rare for parents of young Americans to provide housing for their children or pay for a wedding. There is a well-established understanding in those parts that parents in adulthood have the right to use their savings for their own needs, even if their children need help. Of course, this does not apply to emergency cases, for example, related to health. Children are independent individuals who, with the onset of 18 years, become full masters of their lives and are responsible for themselves, their actions and their families. Perhaps that is why in the United States the average age of marriage is 30-35 years old, when a person has at least a stable job. A young family at the age of 20 is rare in America, and perhaps only among emigrants who have recently moved, while the rest carefully plan their future without counting on someone's support.

To analyze whether it is really necessary to help children with money, and to express a competent opinion on this issue, we asked the family psychologist Zhanna Mikhailovna Aleshkovich.

- The question of whether it is worth financially helping older people to their children cannot be answered unambiguously. At this age, one of the main tasks of development is to help your growing children. Our genes make us care for those with whom we are related by blood. One of these forms is selfless love for one's children. Parents who prioritize the well-being of their children over their own are more likely to pass on their genes to the next generation than parents who ignore their children. Evolution favors altruism towards children, and children have less interest in the survival of their parents' genes. Thus, parents tend to be more devoted to their children than children are to their parents.

We are programmed by nature to help close relatives. But there is a problem, and that is that children should not influence their parents by extorting this financial support but should be okay with the fact that the flow of financial assistance often shifts towards the older generation, as adult parents also have to take care of their elderly parents. Middle-aged people are in the middle between the needs of their adult children and elderly parents. When they are caught in such a "vice", they prefer to focus on their own needs and have less contact with both the young and the older generation.

“Living for yourself” is for middle age, it is at this time that you can afford to live in the present to a greater extent than at any other age. Young people look ahead, while middle-aged people, burdened with responsibilities towards two generations and towards themselves, must live for themselves, here and now. Especially women who are already relieved of daily parental duties and are ready to more actively and freely engage in their own hobbies.

Don't blame everything on selfishness and indifference. It should be understood that both parents and children fall into a period of "role reversal". Elderly parents may need financial assistance and may be dependent on their children. Children are turning into a generation at the helm of life. Power is changing, and both generations must understand that this is an inevitable part of the life cycle, and these new relationships should not cause resentment and resentment. Worse, if selfishness takes over and self-interest motivates behavior, only to improve one's own well-being, no matter what.

Between adult children and their parents, social, emotional, and including material exchanges are constantly taking place. Many older parents provide financial support for their children and grandchildren. And this is especially true for upper middle class families in any country. In low-income Slavic countries, this generation does not have financial resources, so parents most often provide social support and, if possible, look after their grandchildren. They help as much as they can. It is a myth that in today's Western society, parents and children are separated from each other. Each generation values ​​its independence in any country, and if there are times of crisis, the number of contacts increases, including financial support, and having returned to normal, contacts and assistance decrease.

The truth in such controversial issues, as always, is somewhere in the middle. And it’s better to give not a fish, but a fishing rod, that is, invest in a quality education, help open your own business, give money for sports, creativity, and let adult children pay for whims like a new car or a vacation.

Young people cannot cope with new responsibilities. You can help babysit, bathe, and even put to bed. But do everything unobtrusively, and if you are not asked to help, then it’s better not to bother at all. There are cases when parents help out of good intentions, but children perceive everything with hostility. But not everyone does this, many children, having created a family, want their parents to come more often.

When a child decides to acquire a second education, but cannot because of care for the baby, take on these responsibilities. After all, there are few children, they need not only to be raised, but also to contribute to their career. It is very difficult to start everything from scratch, but with someone's help everything is much easier. Many people have become famous only thanks to the help of relatives and friends.

If you notice that a young family does not have enough money, then first think about how to give them. When there is nothing to eat, there is not enough certain to repay a loan or repay a debt, then, of course, it is worth helping. In other situations, it is better not to indulge, as soon you may begin to ask for a loan all the time. And not always the initiator is your child, more often it is their halves who start it.

All people need different help, it all depends on the specific situation. Some kids dream of an apartment or an expensive one, but if you can't help them get it, then don't blame yourself. It is not always the financial side that is important, children need to be morally supported. When a child feels bad, you need to calm him down, and not give instructions, even if he stumbled in life.

If you think that children should achieve everything on their own, then just watch what is happening from the side. But when you see that you can help with something, do it. It is possible that a slight push will help to achieve what you want. Be attentive to yours, even if they have grown up a long time ago.

Advice 2: How to help parents financially if there is not enough money

Sometimes parents need help, but it is very difficult to share earnings with them. In this case, small finances have to be divided into two families, it turns out that everyone does not have enough. There are several tricks that help save money, using them will make your situation easier.

You can help the older generation not only with money, you can provide support with things, products, and this will allow them to save their finances. And by offering just that kind of help, you can leave a lot more in your pocket.

Bulk purchases

You often buy groceries, this is a must for every family. But if you combine the needs and buy something in bulk, the costs will be reduced by 10-20%. To do this, you need to go to the store 1-2 times a month, buying everything you need. Make a list of the things you need, indicate the amount you need. Then choose a wholesale warehouse or store where prices will please you. These places usually have a minimum purchase amount, but if you buy something for two families, you can easily meet the requirements.

It is important not to buy anything extra, you do not need to purchase something that was not included in the plans. Of course, you should not ignore useful promotions and discounts, but every time think about the usefulness of things. Your goal is to save money.

Joint purchases

Today there are sites of joint purchases. People unite and buy things from the manufacturer at the lowest price. There is no store markup, which allows you to save from 30 to 60%. You can buy furniture, dishes, bed linen, clothes and even food in this way. Find a similar site in your city and start comparing prices. When you need something, go not to the shops, but to this resource.

Joint purchases have a significant disadvantage - the order has to wait up to 30 days. But if you adapt, then everything will turn out fine. Order gifts in advance, buy the necessary things for the family and for the home. Help your parents with exactly the right things, not money. It will be cheaper for you.

Coupons and discounts

Today there are sites that allow you to use discount coupons, participate in promotions. Look for such offers, start following the opportunities. Your parents need to visit the hairdresser, and here you can find them a promotion that will save up to 70% of the funds for a new haircut. They need to take tests or undergo examinations by doctors, this can also save money. Dental services can cost up to 50% less than usual. And this will be a very relevant support, although it does not require significant investments.

Teach how to save

Helping parents can also be that you tell them that they do not always manage their budget correctly. Point out to them extra expenses, convince them that they can keep track of expenses, and show them the principles of saving money. You can offer them to keep a notebook in which to enter all purchases, it will clearly demonstrate the leakage of funds. You can suggest how to invest money in order to receive additional monthly income. Treat them carefully, and perhaps this will compensate for their lack of cash flow.

A sincere desire to help, warn, protect your child sometimes leads to scandals, misunderstanding and even a break in relations with parents. Why do family relationships crack and the closest people become enemies?

It is human nature to be afraid. When you are alone - you are afraid only for yourself, when you have a family - there is more fear. The main focus of your concern, of course, children. You take care of them when they only know how to eat and dirty diapers, when they take their first steps, run to school, suffer from their first unhappy love, enter a technical school or university, look for a job, choose a life partner, get into debt to buy an apartment, they give birth to grandchildren, they give you a cat that has gone crazy from life in an apartment “for a while”, they start to get sick and think about retirement ...
Everyone decides where to put an end to parental care. Some never do it at all. Some would like to bet, but the children themselves demand more and more participation in their lives - help, advice, money. And very often family relationships crack, and the closest people inflict grievances on each other, wounds from which do not heal for years.

Wanted the best...
Story one
My friend, let's call her Olga, once complained that her mother was sick and asked to visit her more often, but Olga had no desire to do this. Of course, she looks after her mother, but she prefers to chat with a friend or sit in front of the TV than to go to the old woman living in the neighborhood a couple of blocks.
“We are strangers. No, I will not leave her, but I treat taking care of her as some kind of duty. I don’t feel joy from helping my mother, ”says Olga. According to her, 30 years ago, when she, a laboratory assistant in food production, roamed the rented apartments with her husband, a graduate student and a small child, her mother flatly refused to help them join the cooperative and buy an apartment. At the same time, she, a storekeeper of one of the Krasnodar stores, had considerable opportunities. “My parents didn’t help me, I myself achieved everything in my life, and you will achieve it. When you gave birth to a child, you didn’t ask me - just learn to rely only on yourself, ”the woman said. The shock technique worked, Olga's difficulties were tempered. Now she has a four-room apartment, a good job. But the feeling that “I am on my own, and my mother is on her own” remained forever. “I will help my people as long as I am alive,” says Olga. “I don’t want them to take care of me in their old age just because I gave birth to them.”

Story two
There are also reverse examples. Artem (name changed) is 35 years old. I know him through mutual friends. The guy is not stupid, but some kind of lethargic and indecisive. For several years he has been talking about his plans to change jobs - he is a mathematics teacher at school. But everything won't come together. Friends who know his parents say that they always took care of him. Due to poor health, they forbade him to play sports, did not let him go on hikes with the class, because one day he got lost in the forest, forbade him to be friends with "hooligans and threesomes", they themselves chose what specialty he should enter, then he was placed in a school, and even. .. married the daughter of their colleagues, who left him after a couple of years of living in the same apartment with her mother-in-law. Not to say that the guy resisted this guardianship. But as a professional, as a husband and father, Artem did not take place. And it seems to be forever.
In recent years, he began to drink, and if it were not for the care of his mother, and the fact that he does not live in an apartment alone, in my opinion, he would have fallen a long time ago. His parents are in their 70s. And their main sadness is what will happen to their son when both are gone.

Story three
It happened to my distant relatives. Katya is the first child. Mother and father built a career in their youth, there was no time for her, they disappeared on business trips, and she grew up with her grandparents. When the second son was born 15 years later, dad and mom were already very close to the 40-year mark, they strengthened their financial situation, and with him they gave free rein to parental feelings. They cherished, cherished - everything was always the best for Slava. The guy's career was built by both families - both parents and Katya and her husband. They paid for their studies in Moscow, paid for a rented apartment for several years, until they got on their feet. Now he stands on them quite firmly - the head of a large department in some foreign trading company. Everything would be fine, but when her mother was ill, Katya took her to the doctors, when she died, she also organized and paid for the funeral. Now she has a bedridden father in her arms. Vyacheslav is not going to move to Krasnodar from the capital in order to be closer to the old man. After all, it would be wrong to give up his career, on the altar of which his family put so much...

Story four
A friend of mine got married a couple of years ago. He had just graduated from the university, his wife - too, there was no money - and the "ancestors" organized the wedding. The father-in-law and the mother-in-law insisted on a cafe with a toastmaster and relatives, so that everything would be “human”, the father-in-law and the mother-in-law said that there was no point in getting into debt and it was better to limit themselves to a modest home party. So in the end they did.
A year later, the father-in-laws saved up some money and offered their relatives to chip in to help the young people take a “odnushka” mortgage. And this time the matchmakers refused - no money. And six months later, they changed their domestic car to a foreign car for 600 thousand.
Since then, the family has been in disarray. The husband's parents demand that the young people enter into a marriage contract, according to which the apartment belongs only to the guy. And then suddenly a divorce - the girl, according to the law, has the right to half the property. Father-in-law and mother-in-law are perplexed: “Are we really obliged to help if we have our own plans? They saved up for a car for several years!” And they advise their daughters to leave her husband while there are no children - they say, he will become the same miner, an apple does not fall far from the apple tree.

In all these stories, as in thousands of similar ones, there is one thing in common: they wanted the best, but it turned out as always. The result, it seems, of good intentions: the lack of independence and dependence of children on their parents or mutual dissatisfaction, quarrels up to a complete break in relations.

50 year old boy
It is difficult to say which of these two evils is worse.
Psychological classic Murray Bowenwell argued that an intense emotional gap between relatives leads to a huge number of internal problems - many unhappy, unfulfilled people in the past had such conflicts. And it's not about the financial implementation. The desire to prove that "I am able to achieve everything myself" can make a person rich. But the spiritual vacuum cannot be filled with banknotes. Remember the famous "Pretty Woman"? Hatred for his father led the hero of Richard Gere to the financial Olympus, but almost deprived him of simple human happiness.
On the other hand, says Bowenwell, the gap between parents and children does not arise from scratch - it is the result of incorrect relationships, the foundation of which is laid in childhood, up to 7 years. And in the future, the learned models can work for decades - which is why a 50-year-old uncle with a belly and grandchildren feels like a child in his mother's house.
The main thing, the luminaries of psychology say, is to cultivate adequate self-esteem in a small person, to prevent him from thinking of himself worse than he is. His personality must be treated with respect, recognition of the importance of his requests and aspirations. But at the same time, teach your son or daughter to respect your parental desires and goals.

You do not respect me!
Alas, it is respect that is often lacking in many families. And where over the years, as children grow older, parents do not want to recognize their right and obligation to build a life independently with full responsibility for it, mutual discontent is brewing.
- The question "to help or not" for adult children, what kind of help it can be and what family members have the right to demand from each other and what not, usually arises in not very happy families, - says Krasnodar family psychologist Ilona Stefanidi. - A couple of years ago, Moscow University for the Humanities conducted a study of the relationship between adult children and their parents. Dozens of men and women took part in it. Psychologists have identified 4 main types of relationships. And only one of them is healthy - when there is mutual understanding and cooperation between generations, bilateral care and mutual assistance. At the same time, communication must necessarily take place “on an equal footing”, as between adults. Only then there is no tension, no place for mutual expectations, reproaches and demands. Both generations worry only about the fact that there is not as much time left for communication as we would like. And help is perceived by young people not as a duty, but as a pleasant surprise, and only if it does not burden the other side.
I think that with such a “caring” type of relationship, a situation where some relatives were offended by others because they did not want to help would simply not arise. Because family members are thinking about not creating conflict. And the offer of help could be accepted, for example, how to give money for a time and loan. This would exclude mutual reproaches, which in the end can even destroy a young family.
But in addition to healthy relationships, there are three more types that are characterized by a lack of equality and attempts to dominate.
If parents seek to openly manage adult children, show excessive guardianship and control, when such care is no longer necessary for children, discord is inevitable. This can manifest itself in different ways - from the confidence of the elders that children without their help are not capable of anything, and control over their actions, even in small things, to imposing oneself, blackmail, attempts to arouse feelings of guilt and duty: “I gave birth to you, raised you , all my life I worked for you and you are obliged to ... "
There is also hidden guidance, when the elders try to control certain aspects of the life of the younger ones: the upbringing of their own children, relationships with a spouse, and if there is none, they seek to introduce the child to persons of the opposite sex, to “arrange” his personal life. At the same time, imperceptible methods of pressure are often used: facial expressions, meaningful looks, “accidentally” thrown phrases expressing the parent’s attitude to the decisions that you make.
A form of relationship in which children depend on mom and dad is widespread. Everyone is familiar with one of its manifestations - the younger ones have not matured and constantly demand participation in their lives from the older ones. Not necessarily financial assistance, but also advice, care, tips in difficult situations, and one in which the parents, as it were, take responsibility for the decision. In return, older children try to please their relatives, obey them.
But the second subtype does not look like addiction, although it is exactly that: children command adults, asserting themselves at the expense of the “old people” who love and forgive them everything.
Interestingly, unhealthy relationships do not depend on whether families live under the same roof. Although, of course, this can lead to an aggravation of relations.

For him or for yourself?

Because of what, it turns out that, it seems, you are doing everything for the sake of the child, but in the end something goes wrong, your sincere help becomes the cause of discord? Or is it the other way around - the “backbones” have already managed to give birth to their own, and everyone is pulling and pulling juices out of you, do not want to live on their own?
First you need to cut the "psychological umbilical cord" - to admit that your child has grown up and he is no longer a part of you. Only in this way will you help him become an independent person.
You cannot live your life for him, you cannot take away the pain that he is destined to experience, you cannot protect him from all mistakes. Stuffing bumps is an integral part of the right of choice that each of us has. The world-famous educator Maria Montesori has a book whose title very accurately describes what it should be like to help an older younger one: "Help me do it myself."
If you are too persistent in your attempts to warn, protect, manage, dreams or a daughter will push you away as soon as they have the strength. Or forever remain your worthless appendage.
Before you interfere in his life, ask yourself: for whom are you doing this - for him or for yourself? Behind our actions is almost always a whole ball of thoughts, emotions, feelings. We lump together love and selfishness, the desire for your child to succeed, and our own unfulfilled dreams, the desire to protect and the fear of losing control. Intervene only when it is really necessary. And do it as tactfully as possible, without violating the right to “his territory”.
A free person can only be influenced by his authority. Not leverage, which as the child grows up, you have less and less. And the true value of his personality. If you are an interesting person, if you know and can do a lot of things that they don’t know how, and at the same time you are wise enough to respect their decisions, children will always be drawn to you.
The problem with many parents is that they don't know how to live without a child. And when he leaves, they are not needed not only by him, but also by himself. They simply have nothing to do with the time that they have. And it becomes not an opportunity, but a punishment. Then they cling to the only thing they like to do - continue to point out, solve problems, educate.
Remember that sooner or later you will have to become independent too. Strive to be more than just a parent, be interested in the world outside the walls of home and work. The more vital interests you have, the more points of support your “I” will have when the “chick flies away”.
However, wherever and however he lives, he must feel that you will forever remain one family. If you need help, you will do everything in your power. Then, perhaps, he himself will be ready to come to your aid. But don't expect it and don't demand it - neither children owe us anything, nor we adult children owe anything. Good brings only what is done not under duress, but sincerely and with love. Do not look for rewards - and she will find you herself.
Give children freedom and sooner or later you will realize that you have received from them an equally valuable gift: you can be proud of them.

SUBVERSIONS

America turned to face the family?
It is generally accepted that the desire for nepotism or independence is dictated by the so-called mentality of a particular nation. In the East they live in large families, they know everything about everyone, they help in difficult times, but at the same time they observe customs and rules, the violation of which can be condemned by members of your family “clan”. In the West, the type of relationship is more common, when children, having become independent, lose a significant part of their ties with their relatives, live by their own mind.
The United States is considered the most striking example of the “isolation” of children from their parents. Here, for a very long time, it was customary to “push the chicks” out of the parental nest immediately after they received their education. Usually a young American did not even return to his father's house and saw his "ancestors" only a few times a year at family holidays.
However, recent sociological studies have shown that Americans are increasingly helping children with money, advice, support even during the period of job search, career start, purchase of the first home. Indeed, today the achievement of success requires greater skills, knowledge, efforts from young people than even 20 years ago. And the age of starting a family has increased and it turns out that children in the United States remain children longer. What can I say, now it has simply become more difficult for an ex-student to get a job, and because of this, three-quarters of the graduates were going to return to their parents' house last year!
But even those who have everything in order with money and career, moms and dads in the USA still try to somehow support. They explain this by the fact that they are interested in everything to work out for the children, because only in this way they can consider that they have fulfilled their parental duty. And also - when they become infirm, it will be easier for successful children to help them in return.
Perhaps the reasons for such a global change in traditions are that Americans are no longer so confident in the future after the 2008 crisis. And holding on to each other, to cope with life's difficulties, whatever one may say, is easier. In addition, Americans seem to have had time to “eat up” freedom from their own children with their problems. After all, the reverse side of this convenience is “freedom” from a person close to you, from grandchildren, from the joy of communication.

2
SAID!
If you want to teach something to children, first learn it yourself.

3
Counted
22% of marriages in Russia, according to statistics, break up due to financial problems.

4
A case from one's life
An 11-grader asks his father, who is studying a university brochure for future applicants: “Dad, have you already chosen what profession I want to get?”

Imagine a situation: a parent of an adult son or daughter feels guilty for not giving something to the child in childhood. For example, a mother worked all her life, and when she retired, she realized: there was nothing else to do, life was empty, her beloved child had grown up a long time ago. It is scary to remain unnecessary, insignificant, and this fear makes a woman actively “infiltrate” the lives of adult children and, helping them with finances, live their life, returning the meaning of her own. Financial assistance serves as a kind of compensation for the lack of attention and warmth in the past.

Familiar? Then another story. Grown up children constantly get into trouble, and their "dependent" parents easily and with pleasure act as eternal "rescuers", paying for any expenses of children. It's also a fairly common case.

It happens that parents are afraid to admit to themselves their parental imperfection. Fear of losing the love of children encourages "buying" their attention, while maintaining the illusion of normal family relationships.

Often, parents unconsciously form the financial dependence of children, preventing a timely separation from happening. Family psychologist Anna Varga writes in her book “Systemic Family Psychotherapy”: “Young people, remaining in the parental system (family), do not have the opportunity to experience an independent, independent life. All his life a young man is an element of his family system, a bearer of its norms and rules, a child of his parents. Usually he does not have a clear idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat was achieved in his life personally by himself, it is difficult for him to develop a sense of personal responsibility for his own destiny.

Fear underlies the desire to control, to be needed, to receive love and come to terms with the “inner critic”

The financial dependence of adult children on their parents may indicate that dependent relationships predominate in the family as a whole. Parents do not always impose help: an able-bodied adult son or daughter can regularly ask for, and sometimes even demand, money. Dependence begins if parents systematically meet them halfway. The constant supply of adult children with money can make them infantile, discourage the desire to work, and prevent them from learning how to manage finances.

“If you want to motivate a child to earn money, you don’t need to help him, let him look for opportunities,” Anna Varga advises in her book. “Parents who want to tie a child encourage addiction, help with money.”

The root cause of an addictive relationship is easy to understand by answering the question: “When I feel guilty, what am I afraid of?” Of course, everyone has their own answer, but here are the most common options:

• afraid to be alone, having lost the love of a child;
• I'm afraid to become unnecessary;
• I'm afraid of losing my children (I'm afraid for their lives).

All of these fears underlie the guilt a parent may feel when they deny their adult children financial assistance.

On the basis of these fears, unconscious desires are also formed:

• control: to continue to decide for children, to manage their lives, so that it meets parental expectations;
• to be needed, significant: to save children from troubles, to preserve their image of a “good” parent, to fill their lives with the cares of children, to become in demand again, necessary;
• get love and attention: live the life of an adult child when your own life is not satisfactory or interesting;
• come to terms with the “inner critic”: compensate children for something that they may not have been given to them in childhood.

These can all be signs of an unhealthy relationship. Normal parental assistance to adult children is to emotionally support them, listen, sympathize and, if the child asks, give advice. Financial assistance is acceptable in isolated cases: in case of force majeure or as a gift.

It is necessary to start accustoming a child to handle finances as early as adolescence.

Ideally, starting to teach a child to handle finances is necessary as early as adolescence. The tool for this is pocket money. Small amounts should be given out on a regular basis, always in a limited and fixed amount. The goal is to teach the child to manage money, spend it within the given limits, save, lend. Parents can track the actions of a teenager, help him make financial decisions. In no case should money be used for manipulation: serve as a reward or punishment.