How to learn to talk to your husband or wife. All the secrets of the psychology of love.

Why do spouses sometimes stop understanding each other after the wedding? Everything seems to be normal, but the feeling of intimacy has disappeared from the relationship, when you feel like one with your soul mate. What happened?

It's simple, we move away from each other and talk less and less. The wife goes about her business in the kitchen, and the husband also tries to keep himself busy. And somehow, gradually, the spouses get used to the fact that they live together, and spend time separately from each other.

One way to get close again is to come up with things to do together. If you like it when your husband helps with the housework, start involving him in your household chores.

Not just taking out the trash, but something completely different. Just don't try to force your husband to do what he doesn't like. Otherwise, nothing good will come of it.

Two townspeople in the village:

Look what a beautiful horse!

This is not a horse, but a pig!

Yes? Why does she have horns?

The husband will sincerely believe that hard labor has begun for him, and will try to escape somewhere far away. A wife can feel that her husband loves her not only when he gives her flowers (and over the years husbands for some reason stop doing this), but when her husband helps her in something.

Imagine how a woman who got married, gave birth to a child or even two, went to work and gets tired every day like a draft horse can feel. There is nothing strange in this, because now she has to take the children to kindergarten or school, run to work herself, then take the children home, have time to drop into the shops for groceries.

And also to cook food at home, wash and clean, engage in the evenings with children and redo many other things. Well, the husband does not even want to buy potatoes in the store and is offended if asked about it.

Where is love and what does it look like? Many women live in such a situation, and they perfectly understand what I am talking about. Young girls won't believe it even if they read the article. Disappointment will come later, when they themselves get married and find themselves in such a situation.

So what can you do to receive confirmation of the love of the man with whom you connected your life after the wedding?

One method is to spend time together when you do something that pleases yourself or your husband. After all, then you will again pay attention to each other, you will have a common goal, and you will begin to discuss many issues together. Every family has different things to do together.

For example, you don't have a good relationship with your mother-in-law, you don't like visiting her, and therefore your husband goes to his mother alone. What's bad about it?

It's okay, but your husband thinks you don't love him because you refuse to go with him. Try to visit his mom just to spend time with your husband. Show with a specific example that only for his sake you go to visit, although you yourself do not want to do it.

You, for example, would sit quietly at home and just relax. But here you have to choose what is more important to you: show your husband that you love him, or stay at home. What will your husband think? And he will sincerely consider that your joint walk to his mother is proof of your love. After all, you show concern and respect at the same time.

Little Johnny, who do you listen to more, dad or mom?

Mom!

And why?

She says more.

If you like going to the hairdresser, this does not mean that you have to take your husband there too. Everything should be within reasonable limits. Do you like to walk, and your husband does not share your hobby at all?

It is imperative to tell him about the benefits of such walks, explain how important it is for you. In addition, you can take your children with you or invite close friends to go out of town on weekends.

The main thing is to show care and respect for each other. After all, care is manifested in the little things, we must not forget about them.

All married life is made up of little things. Family relationships also add up gradually.

How he cares about me! - thinks the wife, when her husband brings food from the store. - I'm so tired of these burdens!

Flowers for the holiday are very good, but the everyday worries of the spouses about each other are much more important.

A lot of men carry flowers because it is necessary, otherwise they will simply be laughed at. And it can be seen that they do this no more than once a year, so funny they drag these bouquets, pressing them with one hand to their belly, or carry flowers like a broom.

I immediately understand what kind of relationship such a man has with his wife. So, they seem to live together, but at the same time, each one separately. Maybe it's still better to take care of your wife every day? Show your love not with one bunch of flowers, but with other actions? A wife cannot be fooled by a gift that is given out of habit or because everyone does it.

In any family where the spouses live together and show their love every day, there is always something to remember. For example, about summer walks, when the family got up early and left the city. Or a friendly hike for mushrooms in the fall, and then a bonfire on the shore of the lake or a hike in the mountains. Or something else no less interesting, each family has its own preferences.

Many people who have been married for a long time, but did not want to show their love in the form of joint affairs, often cannot even remember anything interesting.

Well, we lived together for 10, 20, 30 years….

That's all they had. After all, they went to work separately, raised children, then these children grew up and left the family, and there is nothing to remember.

Of great importance in family life is how closely spouses know each other. Yes, they do. How often, when something happens, the wife says to her husband in surprise:

Wow, but I did not know you at all from this side!

Or the husband does not understand what his wife is telling him, although she is constantly talking and telling about something, explaining the actions of her friends and even justifying the ugly actions of other people, which she previously condemned. Why don't a man and a woman living in marriage understand each other?

Halloween Horror:

the black cat breaks the mirror with an empty bucket ...

The answer is simple enough: they haven't learned to talk to each other. What does a conversation mean, husband and wife understand completely differently. Imagine this situation: a woman is trying to tell a man something, but he does not want to listen to her and does not at all understand that she needs him.

- Well, stop communicating with your girlfriend and that's it, - the husband tries to give simple advice. And the wife continues to speak and again tells everything in a circle. Or she complains about her work, where she has to be in a team, and the people there are not very good and all with complex characters.

The husband simply does not listen or tries to get away somewhere to stop this meaningless conversation. What was the husband supposed to do? Just listen carefully to your wife. A man is so arranged that when he is asked for advice, he thinks that his wife really needs this advice.

But a woman just needs to tell someone everything, she needs an interlocutor who will listen and sit next to her. Therefore, the husband in such a situation should nod his head, respond in monosyllables, and his very behavior will quickly calm his wife down. A woman, when she speaks, seeks understanding and sympathy. It is unlikely that she needs the advice of a man, she needs his support.

If you have learned to talk with your husband to each other, then your family will be really strong, and love will become that strong and deep feeling that every woman and every man dreams of.

All problems begin when we stop listening to each other. And when the husband does not hear the wife, and the wife does not hear the husband, they move away, alienation appears.

And if you do not pay attention to this, conflicts will begin. It is much easier to learn how to conduct conversations, one might even say, intimate conversations, when each of the spouses can speak. A woman seeks sympathy, a man wants to be understood.

What is correct conversation? You just listen very carefully, make eye contact and not get distracted. Sometimes several words can be inserted. For some reason, husbands think that you can watch TV with one eye with your wife, and let her talk to herself about hers. It won't work that way. This is not a heart-to-heart talk or a conversation.

To "get away" from a wife when she is worried about something is the easiest way that many husbands choose. And then the wife begins to complain that the husband does not speak to her at all.

You've probably noticed married couples as you walk the streets of your city. No? See how similar they are in their behavior. Usually a man walks in silence, next to his wife, and his wife tells him something. The husband simply nods his head or chuckles in agreement. And the wife tells and tells everything.

This is called proper conversation with your wife. If a man begins to ask a lot of questions or gives advice, then the wife may be offended. After all, she does not need advice in such a situation. She just wants to speak out and find sympathy from her husband. And then the woman will be very pleased that she and her husband talked so interestingly all the way.

If a man starts talking himself and does it for a long time, then the wife will be offended and shut up. After all, she will not receive attention, and if her husband does not want to give her even a minute of attention, then he does not love her! And in such a family problems will begin. And the husband, who did not want to listen to his wife, will never understand what he is to blame.

What will his wife say to him?

You're not listening to me at all!

A man may not know what his wife wanted from him. So, we need to explain to him directly what he did wrong. It's so easy to listen in silence, not interrupt and try to understand your wife. But a man is unlikely to talk about his problems. Therefore, this tactic will not work with him.

Today I told you about how they add up family relationships how best to build relationship between man and woman married. What a husband and wife need to do in order to talk to each other correctly.

In the next article, read about how to choose words and correctly formulate questions Love and kind words. How do you get what you want?

The beginning of a relationship is always distinguished by the special interest of partners in each other. Romance, passion, new experiences and all new ideas about each other - the effect of novelty contributes to the release of adrenaline and maintains a healthy sexual appetite.

Anastasia, hello! My husband and I have a great relationship, two children, we rarely swear. The problem is, we don't want each other sexually. What to do and why so?

What happens in a marriage? - The topic of this article is taken from a whole cycle of your messages with questions of an intimate nature: “ My husband and I do not want each other, what to do? ". As always, let's be short and to the point.

On the reasons for the lack of desire for intimacy in marriage in a new small video:

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Before we talk about how to establish an intimate life in marriage, it is necessary to note those points that are a consequence of the lack of sex between spouses. In simple terms, what will happen if the spouses do not pay attention to the fact that there is no passion and desire for intimacy between them?

♣ lack of sex will become a habit

Sexologists have long established the fact that if spouses have no intimacy for more than one month in a marriage, this phenomenon gradually becomes the norm. And a habit, as you know, is not so easy to change to a new, more effective one. Therefore, if you noticed that in your relationship, sex is happening less and less and in the last month none of you has been in a hurry to take the initiative to get closer, this is a signal that needs to be paid attention to;

♣ the lack of sex in marriage may make the spouses want to find this missing element on the side

If one of you or both of you are constantly working, and when your half tries to get closer to you, receives a refusal, argued by your busyness, fatigue, etc., unconsciously you push your partner to the thought: “What if you try not with her / him? .. ". I'm exaggerating a little, but, in general, I think my point is clear to you;

♣ the lack of a healthy sex life in marriage leads to a decrease in satisfaction with the relationship, as well as psycho-emotional stress in both partners

As a result, each of you may find a different way to relieve this kind of stress. This can be food, alcohol, light (and then hard) drugs, spending time with friends or girlfriends, etc. Perhaps these are the main negative consequences of the lack of sex between spouses. About the harm in terms of the physical health of the body, I'm sure you know - the lack of a healthy intimate life leads to a deterioration in the health of both men and women.

Solution

Let's move on to the question of what to do, if v your married you don't want each other... There is one proven technique that has helped many couples to improve their sex lives and find sexual balance today.

Believe it or not, in order to find desire, you just need to move on to specific actions. What does it mean? - The method is as follows: for 1 month (for 30 days) every evening / day or night, but, I emphasize, EVERY day the spouses should have sex. Regardless of the circumstances, how you feel and other factors, you should have sex every day for 30 days.

How much this method works, you can only understand in practice. Therefore, if you want to improve your sex life in marriage, use this technique and start today.

Often in the intimate life of spouses, the following situation arises: one partner wants sex, and the other does not. In this case, there is some imbalance, which also leads to the above consequences. To avoid them, use the following method, which helps to restore sexual balance in a couple. It includes two strategies:

Strategy 1. Always say yes. If your partner with a higher libido wants intimacy, agree. I understand that one will be insanely happy, and the second will be seized with horror. But you will be surprised how easily this problem is solved.

After a while, you will reach equilibrium, because when sex is available at any moment, much less is thought about it. The fear of losing something important disappears, the fear that you will have to look for excuses for refusal and feel guilty.

Strategy 2. Change of roles. Very often, one of us wants more sex, and the other - more intimacy. One needs a soul connection in order to feel desire, and the second needs sex in order to feel a soul connection. In this case, the spouses need to switch roles: the one who wants more sex should make sure that the other receives more warmth, care, and participation. And the one who needs emotional closeness must satisfy the needs of the other for sex. As a result, everyone will get what they need.

Establishing a balance between want and give is inevitable. Because someone who is constantly “ready” will eventually become calmer in this matter.

What is the reason for the deterioration in the quality of sex in marriage?

Now I would like to draw your attention to one important point. Despite the fact that modern sources of information reveal to us thousands of reasons why intimate life in marriage becomes worse over the years, there is only one explanation for this: a weak release of the sexual energy of each partner.

The point is that love and sex are two different things. They can complement each other, but they cannot be mixed in the same bottle. Everyday family life obliges people to show responsibility, adequacy, sobriety of mind and reason, to be loyal, patient, decent, to have a positive influence on children with their exemplary behavior, etc. And when it comes to sex, it is not so easy to go beyond the usual boundaries for a “modest and decent person”.

Sex implies some aggressiveness and recklessness, lack of framework, internal blocks, behavioral stereotypes. It is paradoxical, but the better the marriage and family relationships, the worse the intimate side of the spouses can be.

How to get out of this vicious circle and once and for all solve sexual problems in relationships, returning them to a full life?

You need to consciously follow 2 simple steps:

1. Separate love and sex from each other once and for all. Adhere to the following principle in bed: “If in everyday life I am a" bunny ", then in bed I turn into a wild steppe beast and give out my sexual energy.

2. Release your sexual energy completely. Learn to give and enjoy the intimacy with your loved one. In bed with your loved one, your task is to completely turn off your sober mind and allow yourself to act according to your natural sexual instincts and desires. This duality will not only strengthen your marriage, but it will also bring back passion, relieve boredom, and provide you with regular relaxation of both body and mind.

And it will not be superfluous to miss each other - a week, two .. How can this be done? - Just plan, using relatives, girlfriends, business trips, meditations in a circle of like-minded people in Altai .. Take action!

Have a couple more minutes? - Find out .

»My wife does not understand me

© Vladinata Petrova

Why doesn't your wife understand you?

Mutual understanding and support in the family is largely due to the fact that the aggression of the husband and wife is directed in the same way. In turn, the direction of aggression depends on who dominated the families of the husband and wife when they were children - a man or a woman.

They compete with the "dominant", and expect an approving assessment from the "subordinate"

The child competes with the dominant relative and tries to please the relative who, more than other family members, admired the dominant relative and willingly obeyed him (let's call him "subordinate"). This is explained by the fact that the child seeks to copy those qualities of the dominant, which, as it seems to him, gave him power over others (primarily over a subordinate relative). And the measure of the success of this imitation for a child is the approval of a subordinate relative: "What a fine fellow you are - strong like your dad!", "You are as beautiful as our incomparable mommy!" etc.

For example, the aggression of the daughter of a dominant mother is directed at other women, while men appear to her as harmless creatures. For example, the daughter of a dominant mother is sometimes touched if her husband elbows another woman on the bus or is rude to her just to put his wife in prison. She perceives this as a manifestation of self-love.

The daughter of a dominant mother, who perceives women as her rivals, is extremely jealous, so strangers rarely appear in the spouses' house. Almost always these are married couples, and with her single friends she prefers to meet outside the house.

Dominant mother's daughter and dominant father's son

Imagine now that the daughter of a dominant mother marries a man whose family is dominated by the father, and the subordinate figure is a mother who sincerely admires her father. The aggression of such a man is directed at other men, while he expects approval from women. Such a husband does not understand his wife's grievances against other women. It seems to him that his wife is behaving like an unworthy squabbler and slandering women he knows. He sincerely believes that women are creatures worthy of worship, and villains are only in the movies. When he, the son of a dominant father, begins to complain about the machinations of his male enemies, he feels that his wife, although she is assenting to him, does not fully share his indignation. Moreover, since the daughter of a dominant mother tends to idealize men, the husband may find with annoyance that her abuser even secretly likes her.

Dominant mother's daughter and dominant mother's son

Now imagine that the same woman marries the son of a dominant mother. Such a spouse rarely complains about his male acquaintances, but often resent the "outrages" that the ladies do. It is easy to guess that the wife willingly picks up this topic. In turn, the husband readily criticizes his wife's offenders, thus delighting her. True, this marriage has its own pitfall. The son of a dominant mother tends to criticize his wife (after all, she is also a woman!), And he often does this in “feminine” ways, for example, by interfering in her kitchen affairs with “practical advice” and remarks. Note that a man who likes to complain about his wife to his friends is almost always the son of a dominant mother.

However, due to conflicts, the marriage of the daughter of the dominant mother to any man - whether the son of the dominant mother or the dominant father - rarely falls apart. The fact is that she reacts to rudeness on the part of other women like a red rag, and she tends not to pay attention to rudeness on the part of men. Even in the case when her husband openly mocks her, she does not seem to notice it. The only offense that such a wife cannot tolerate is her husband's attention to other women. However, in such situations, again, in her opinion, it is not the man who is to blame, but they, the villainous love-lovers. Also, the danger is the unwillingness of the husband to earn money and thereby prove his loyalty to her, but this was already mentioned in the previous article.

Dominant father's daughter and dominant father's son

Let us now consider what will happen in the case of marriage to the daughter of a dominant father. If you are also the son of a dominant father, then your aggression and that of your wife is directed towards other men. You can safely complain to her about your offender or competitor, without fear that by doing so you will only create advertising for him and arouse a purely female interest in your opponent.

The daughter of a dominant father is not inclined to flirt with men, since she perceives them as her opponents who should not be pampered. But there is another danger in this marriage. Since the dominant person for the wife was a person of the opposite sex, the spouse's overbearing behavior is met with fierce resistance. It is common for the daughter of a dominant father to exaggerate her husband's wickedness. For example, if he absent-mindedly does not answer her questions, it may seem to her that he is showing disdain. If the daughter of a dominant father conspires to cheat, it is most likely that this is done out of revenge on her husband, who was rude to her and hindered her self-realization. It should be concluded that the fate of this marriage is in the hands of the wife and depends entirely on her wisdom.

It is impossible to remain silent about the following detail. Since a man was the dominant person for his wife, it may turn out that she does not know how and does not like to cook, considering this a shameful business. But you can expect that there is always order in her house due to the fact that the wife is inclined to a Spartan lifestyle and throws out all unnecessary things. Often, male upbringing instills in such a wife a tendency to classify, which contributes to the fact that things are in their place, sometimes even signed and numbered.

The daughter of a dominant father does not attach much importance to the attention her husband pays to other women, because during her childhood, a woman played the role of a subordinate in her family, and the subordinate is pitied, protected and tried to please him. Consequently, the wife does not feel a serious threat from other women. She may even tend to underestimate her.

Dominant father's daughter and dominant mother's son

Problems due to jealousy are also unlikely in the marriage of the dominant father's daughter to the dominant mother's son. However, in general, this combination is conflicting: in the wife's aggression is directed at men, and in the husband's at women. A common problem for this couple is the wife's rejection of the husband's irrational thinking. Often a man whose family was dominated by his mother is fond of esotericism, astrology, Eastern philosophy, believes in omens or is simply religious, and "gets" his spouse talking about these topics. The wife, in the end, can not stand it and declares that he has a "mess in his head", and he begins to prove that it is she - a base, callous person, alien to "high matters."

How to determine who was the dominant person in the family? In some families, dominance can exist in an explicit form and manifest itself in the same way as in the animal world, that is, the most physically strong person is dominant, who more often shouted at other family members and used physical force. If this is not your case, you should pay attention to the following signs:

• whose goodwill in the family was more difficult to obtain when it was considered a great honor;
• who was the most feared in the family (not necessarily due to the possibility of physical punishment), who was the most severe;
• who had the final say when making decisions.

© V. Petrova, 2013
© Published with the kind permission of the author

“Just sit next to me, I’ll bring you delicious tea and buns. Tell me everything that worries you ... I will listen .. and who knows ... I will try to help. "

And you have a cozy place here.
This topic has already been, but still ...
Here the girl wrote that she had lived with her husband for five years, that they could not find a common language ...

We have been married for 5 months.
My husband and I are very different. And when they began to live together, it became more noticeable and tangible.
- He loves cleanliness and order. I don’t dwell on this (I can wash the dishes after me, because I think that they are not clean enough). After washing the laundry, he wipes the machine until dry. All according to the instructions.
- When it is necessary to solve something, he often answers “I don’t know”, “then”… I don’t like it, I need certainty.
- I love communication. He forbids me to speak.
-Now we live with him. He does not allow anything to be moved and placed, something new.
-We came to the conclusion that we grew up in different families and were brought up in different ways. But this conclusion does not make it any easier.

Problems:
-we do not understand each other
-I cry often
-I try to be the one he wants to see, but it doesn't work out for me
-we often fight
(- and yet, I really want to leave here. But we don't want to rent an apartment. Zavu to my parents. He categorically said “no.” I dropped my hands and didn't know what to do)

I am confident in my feelings, I love him, and I am confident in him, he loves the same. But everyday life erases these lines and we swear.

Help me understand what we are doing wrong and how to fix it?
I really want to save my family, I want, I want to go home, I want to rejoice.

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My wife does not understand me

Difficulties in relationships

My wife does not understand me

How often does a situation arise in your married life when your wife seems to have ceased to understand you on purpose? Quite often, isn't it? And often such situations are completely stumped, since there are no objective reasons for the conflict, and quarrels and misunderstandings with the spouse are growing every day.

Unfortunately, many men suffer in silence. They want to express their feelings and experiences, but at the same time they do not want to "hurt" their wives. Therefore, instead of quarrels and scandals, they say that their wives do not understand them. It is easy to shift the responsibility for problems and conflicts to a lack of communication and misunderstanding. A kind of self-deception that destroys families in the long run.

Why you should avoid such a wording in relation to your wife. Each problem should have its own solution, be it financial or family. And often men reduce all decisions to a simple phrase: "What's the point of talking if she doesn't understand me." Men pose the situation as if they speak Russian and their wives speak Chinese. And the whole discussion ends there. In fact, this is likely to exacerbate the situation. Since even with the help of shouts and quarrels, you can tell your wife more than silently slamming doors.

How to reach an understanding with your wife

Find common topics of conversation. To find a common language with your wife, you need to talk about what you both understand. No need to talk about work or your relationship, talk about your favorite movie or anything else good and positive. Your job is to limit the range of issues over which you argue with your wife. If this is not done, then misunderstanding and resentment will penetrate into all areas of your family life, and you, even without disputes, will not be able to find agreement on the smallest issue.

Develop positive thinking. Obviously, everyone remembers the bad more clearly than the good. But still, the good must be used for your own purposes. Compliment your wife, say that she looks great today or her dinner was a success. You must create a good mood for her so that she does not have the desire to swear "on such a beautiful day." And it works. Just remember, you yourself should also avoid conflicts and quarrels after your compliments. Otherwise, the situation will only get worse.

Understand the reason for the misunderstanding. The main reasons for misunderstanding between husbands and wives are: female naivety, different values ​​and priorities, the hidden meaning of what is happening.

1) Feminine naivety. There are a large number of women who do not understand the affairs of their husbands, their responsibility and overall importance for the well-being of the family. Therefore, it is necessary to sit down at the negotiating table with your wife and explain to her the full responsibility of the situation. It is best to give a couple of vivid examples and scare your wife with some kind of fable.

2) Different values ​​and priorities. We are all born different, we are all raised differently. And it's okay to have different points of view on the same problem. Your wife may be the owner, who believes that the man should be with her, and not otherwise. That's right for her. A man, on the other hand, can consider free communication and travel - the only sure way to live. And either they find some kind of compromise, yielding together. Or their family life is doomed to the suffering of one person.

3) Hidden meaning. You want to go with the guys after work and play billiards, but for some reason, your wife doesn't like it. Therefore, you tell her that you want to stay late at work in the evening. And she begins to swear that you put your job above your family. And in fact it turns out a dispute, which has no solution due to "special significance".

Delineate responsibility. It is necessary to share with the wife spheres of influence in the home and family life. In a number of issues, the decision is made by you, and she can only advise. In other matters she decides, and you can only guide her. This works well, as it directs the wife to solve specific problems, and she stops paying attention to others. So to speak, she trusts a number of questions to her professional husband.

How to understand your beloved wife

When you solve all the problems over which you argue with your wife, then you will find compromises in difficult situations. Then show your real feelings and opinions and you can reach an understanding with your wife.

But this all takes effort, because you begin to build a fragile history of your relationship. It will make you think and work on your marriage, and not just fly in the clouds with happiness. But if you do not know what interests your wife, then you really cannot talk to her. To do this, watch her, talk to her friends, ask your children. In general, find sources of information to get to know your wife like your own reflection in the mirror.

If you have chosen your spouse correctly, you will complement each other. You will live in balance and harmony. The only thing that can hinder you is her selfishness. But if you really want to solve the problem, you will work on that too.