- By the way, your husband turned out to be a normal man, I thought I would take him away and leave him, but now, I think, I’ll leave myself

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! I would be grateful for an answer to my question.

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months. Entering into an alliance with him, I felt sympathy, nothing more, I was pleased to be with him, to receive signs of attention and care from him. But I did not feel love, I remembered former lover. Therefore, the attitude towards the current guy was rather consumerist: she often took offense at him for nothing, threw tantrums, talked about former relationship on his own initiative, which, as it turned out, was very unpleasant for my boyfriend.

Time passed and I began to have feelings for him, I began to treat him with special tenderness and care, I tried to do everything for his well-being.

But about 2 months ago, my boyfriend admitted to me that he did not know exactly what he felt for me and whether there were feelings at all. This hurt and offended me very much, I reacted negatively to all this, did not want to understand and help him, but only reproached and pushed him to part. He asked not to leave, to try to figure it out and fix everything. I also searched for answers in various forums, read articles about similar situations, convinced that everything can be returned and not parted.

I agreed, everything seemed to return to normal, he began to pay more attention to me, to please me. But I could not forget what he told me, I constantly thought that the person next to me did not feel anything.

I constantly reminded him of those words, reproached him. And three weeks ago I felt that he was colder towards me than before. Raised this question, again reproached, accused. As a result of the conflict, he offered to leave, I agreed, but after a short period of time I myself wrote to him with a proposal to restore relations, kept him with tears, tantrums, requests. He agreed to return everything.

But less than three days had passed, and the young man, without taking into account my opinion, independently decided to part with me, arguing that, although he had not had strong and vivid feelings for me before, he had hope to restore everything, but now his hope is gone under the yoke of my reproaches and scandals.

We did not communicate for about a week and after this time the guy himself wrote that he did not want to be without me, he wanted to return the relationship, I agreed.

A week later, the story repeated itself, he left me again for the same reason. I don’t know what to do, wait for him to return or do something to push him to this, is it possible to return his feelings and restore relations, because my feelings for him have only increased during this time.

The psychologist Cherkasova Elena Nikolaevna answers the question.

Hello, Elena. Your story is clear. Unfortunately, you did not write how old your boyfriend is. But judging by his actions, he is either your age or not much older than you. You are currently in this age period when by trial and error you are looking for a person who would suit you for your later life. Your letter is written correctly not only spelling, but also the style of presentation. I think you read a lot. Most likely you have some kind of " perfect man", with which you compare young people. Probably, the image you invented changes with your acquisition life experience("Time passed and I began to have feelings for him, I began to treat him with special tenderness and care, I tried to do everything for his well-being"). I think that both you and your young man "grow" in your relationship, grow up.

You ask what you can do now to encourage him to return. I think that this should not be done, it is not worth artificially creating such a situation so that he returns to you. If he doesn't come back, you will feel rejected. If he returns, you will forever have doubts about the voluntariness and sincerity of his act. There is a wonderful Russian proverb: "You can't be nice by force." You change, become wiser in relationships. And either the current young man will see it himself and return to you, or you will meet another who will appreciate you for who you are.

I never thought that one day my phrase: "How could you leave me?" becomes "Thank you for leaving me"...

This was long haul that I'm still walking on to see the best thing you've ever done for me.

I had to really grow up. To figure out deep in my soul who I really was and who I pretended to be.

I had to deal with the remnants of my shattered self-esteem, which erroneously relied on my status as "wife" or "mother" - just being someone else's soul mate.

I had to face my biggest fears - how to live in this world alone. Completely and completely alone. Without anyone to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.

I had to learn to trust my inner voice- the one who told me to go further into the unknown to find someone else - instead of burying my head in the sand so as not to see you leave.

I had to learn how to rely only on myself. To pay for a roof over your head and for clothes, not counting on a spare second salary - yours - if suddenly mine is not enough.

I had to learn to appreciate myself. It is clear to see through the pain and suffering that I am still a woman - beautiful, graceful and courageous. That even though I'm not "the one you're meant to be with", I'm still the one who deserves to be with her.

I had to learn patience, patience with myself when it seemed like I would never stop crying, and just wait… patiently wait for the time when I could feel sparks of joy in the middle of the storm.

I had to learn balance. Find a balance between what I need and what our children need. I am alone and there are two of them, and sometimes it seems to me that I alone will never be enough for them. But anyway, somehow I manage.

I had to learn vulnerability. How to let other men near me who wanted to love me, even when I was not yet ready to open my heart.

I had to learn to let go of my pride, because I had to ask for help many times, because doing everything alone was very difficult at first.

I had to take responsibility for my decisions, although now I see that many of them were wrong and painful.

I had to accept what people would say about me. And learn that it's okay. A strong woman learns to walk with her head held high, even when the world whispers behind her.

I had to learn compassion. What I have always missed. Compassion for other people making decisions that I don't always understand.

I had to relearn how to feel whole. That there is no one who would complete me, that I am self-sufficient. That I am brave, beautiful, albeit imperfect. And this is enough for integrity.

I had to learn that I would never agree to be anyone's second choice. I deserve to be the first, one and only for someone who is sure that I'm worth it.

I had to accept my imperfection, that I could truly live without pretending to be something I'm not.

I had to learn that my heart could love again. And although for a long time I could not express my feelings to a new person, but I felt that it was possible, just as it was once with you.

Finally, I had to learn forgiveness. Because that's all that's left to go on.

I broke up with a girl on my own initiative, for those who are interested, here is the previous topic about this

I broke up with a girl, because it seemed to me that I did not love her (but I loved, love passed). I remember how at the beginning of the relationship I did everything for her, nothing was a pity, no money, no time, no strength. All the time I came up with all sorts of romantic things, surprises. And then it became stressful for me, but nevertheless, through strength, I tried to be the very best for her, tried to convince myself that I still love her. But I realized that I can’t, I don’t love and began to notice the following things in myself:
For example, it happened that we didn’t see each other for a week, but I didn’t even get bored. I got tired of being with her all the time, I didn’t want to write forever, call (she just loves attention, but I wanted to be alone) It happened that I wanted to get away from her as soon as we were around. Sometimes annoying (but I never showed it). I was almost not even jealous of her, I didn't care. When she had problems, I stopped worrying about her, although I continued to support her. I could easily imagine myself with another girl and I was not nearly ashamed of such thoughts (no, I certainly didn’t intend to cheat on her) I began to spare money for her, by the way, I spent a little on her, I don’t have much, but she didn't demand. I always heeled a little, made concessions, and only thanks to this we almost didn’t swear (for example, she always completely controlled me, watched messages on VK, forbade me to be friends with girls, but I, in turn, respected her personal space and didn’t do that ). It didn't bother me before, but now it suddenly annoys me.
And it's been 2 days since we broke up. I sleep badly at night, I think about her all the time. There is a terrible feeling of pity for her, because I imagine how she suffers, because I believe that she sincerely loved me. I feel like a scum, my conscience gnaws. She deleted the page in VK, but created a new one and I follow her there, I can’t let her go, let her out of my thoughts. I even miss her again and seem to love her. I madly want to return, but I perfectly understand with my head that I don’t need it, that I can cool down on her again, again cause her suffering. Understand what I lost, in fact, good girl, not without drawbacks, of course, but most importantly, faithful and loving. I really want to see her. I'm an idiot. But I will not return to her, I will try to endure, despite the fact that I am on the verge. I know I need to stop following her and let her go, but I can't. I really want to talk to her, because there are a lot of things I want to say and explain. That's all, in fact.
Why did I write all this? I don’t know, I just wanted to talk it out, because there was no one else, except for her, I had no one, no friends. I would like to hear your opinion on this topic, what would you do in this situation?
ps: you can say as much as you like that I'm a goat and deserved ***, and I myself understand this. Sorry for the confusion and multi-letter

Yes, if you want to know, I've been waiting all my life right moment, for this, and crammed into a friend to your mother, so that when the time will come hit, hurt more, it's a pity that's just your father did not live, but let your mother suffer.

Aunt Liza, how could you, because Vladik is my husband, and I am expecting a child from him, - I came home, to the one whom I always considered close friend his mother.

What happened, it doesn’t even fit in my head, my beloved husband left, went to this woman whom I loved like a second mother.

Vladik and I got married a year ago, bought an apartment and were looking forward to our first child. Suddenly he declared that he fell in love with another woman and could not live without her, and left. And I stayed like that, not understanding anything how, when, where this woman came from.

I met them in the park where my husband and I liked to walk. When I recognized Aunt Lisa in the woman, I was shocked. How could they...

Unable to stand it, I nevertheless came to her and asked why she was doing this to me, her answer struck me, her words, spoken with such anger, and her face, are still before my eyes:

What am I for? Why did your mother do this to me? Your father and I loved each other, we were going to get married. And then she came and your father left me for her. And I was expecting a child from him, and then I lost it because of my worries. And your father at least that, he just said, - I'm sorry! Yes, if you want to know, I have been waiting all my life for the right moment, for this I have become friends with your mother. So that when the time comes to strike, it will hurt more, it’s a pity that your father didn’t live, but let your mother suffer.

But what am I doing here?

And how more, your mother after the death of her husband, does not even look at men. But she worries about you, so my tears will shed for her, for my not born child. By the way, your husband normal man turned out. I thought I’d just take him away from you and leave him, but now I think I’ll keep it for myself ...

I don’t know how I survived it myself, but everything is fine, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, and my husband came, she nevertheless left him, asked me to start everything again, and I thought, why?

Why do we need such a dad and a husband who easily left us, but he swore in love, so we ourselves will live with our daughter.