A colleague does not speak only to me. Your gut says they don't like you. They avoid you
Hello! My colleagues at work do not want to communicate with me, in other words, they simply ignore. I have been working for six months now, now a new one has come to us, and I am out of work. Also from maternity leave the boss came out. Before that, I worked with another girl. As soon as there were minor personnel changes, my colleague, with whom I had worked for six months before, changed a lot in behavior (I cannot understand what this is connected with). Perhaps due to the fact that the boss has come, she is also young, and she wants to curry favor with her, or she just wants to show that she is so good. There is a small tradition in the department - we drink tea every morning. The girls talk about something of their own, about children, about how bad men are now, their husbands are lazy, and they completely ignore me, if I just get involved in the conversation, they will chat a little with me and again ignore me. If we go to the store, I’m not there again, but I’m there, I’m just ignored again. This went on for almost two months, with the arrival of a new girl it became even worse, they don’t communicate with me, I feel unnecessary, superfluous ... whether the best friends. Today we had a holiday, everyone was drunk, I was "instructed" to take care of my colleague's daughter, because she was not able to. Well, no question. The girl is good, but when I walked in common circle, to also celebrate, again some kind of incomprehensible ignore, everyone poured champagne, they "forgot" about me (you pour yourself). I felt hurt. I was already unable to restrain myself, I went to the toilet, tears simply choked me. My colleagues, of course, did not miss me, so I would have sat there if a 7-year-old girl (!!!), the daughter of a colleague, had not gone to look for me. She sat, consoled (how did I sink ... a child consoles me ...). It became embarrassing, I had to get out of the "hiding place". And then the boss appeared and our newcomer, like, where have you been (and before that, while I was sitting and worrying, the daughter of a colleague said that I felt bad and needed help to a colleague (me), because she sits and cries) ... And then I just exploded with resentment and despair. I'm tired of enduring. I expressed in the correct form everything that was painful, about the blackout, about the fact that they do not notice me in the department, that I am like an empty place, that they do not want to talk to me. To which my colleagues replied and the boss even swore that I was just screwing myself up, that everything seems to me that everything is not so, that I, too, can and have the right to discuss lazy husbands and just men. But in fact, everything is very bad! I get ignored when I say anything! in general, having calmed down a little, I returned to the department a little later. All the same. I am not, but I am, playing with the daughter of a colleague, on their part a complete ignorance, perhaps this time they went over the drinks and do not care about me. Then the boss told me something for a long time, like calm down, don't wind yourself up, everything is fine, I swear by my child, but I was so offended for all these weeks of ignoring the incomprehensible on their part, I just got myself together and left with tears and my resentment home ... Except for the child, no one said goodbye to me. No one even wrote, did not find out how I got there ... no one cares ... Perhaps they were busy with seeing off a colleague and daughter, because she was in a very poor condition, or went on to celebrate ... I do not know how to be and what to do. How did I deserve this attitude towards myself? I cannot and do not want to work in such an environment. I tried to talk about this topic days earlier, but I was assured that everything is fine, it seems to you that you yourself get involved in the conversation (in which you are being ignored). I don't even know what will happen on Monday. Help me please!
Hello!
One letter is always difficult, both for the person who writes it and for the person who responds. The first one tries to immediately describe the whole situation, the second wants to ask questions first, then answer. But if you speculate, I can hear confusion and resentment in your letter. Maybe you are experiencing these feelings, maybe not. But if there is any negative message, it can hold you back in communication.
I was very pleased that you began to convey your difficulties to your colleagues. It is likely that for them the situation looks exactly as they say - everything is in order, everyone is communicating. Without your participation, they will not guess that something is wrong. And here it is up to you to decide what this participation will be. You can make claims / complain / get upset - this method has the right to life, like any other. You can act through the inclusion of a conversation, as you did before. When multiple people are talking, it is perfectly normal for the focus to shift. Much depends on your initiative.
As for confusion and resentment, the letter gives the impression that there is a little girl in your soul who wants so much to be played with. And this little girl is calling out to your colleagues. Perhaps this is completely my speculation, but if not, there is something to work with.
I was not sure whether to answer or not, because so many things come to mind, and your question is definitely not something that can be solved by a simple answer. But I wanted to say that you deserve to communicate with you, you deserve it.
Khoroshilova Polina Andreevna, psychologist in Moscow
Good answer0 Bad answer2Hello Julia. It is obvious to me that the problem is only in you. The fact that your head is busy evaluating those who evaluate you indicates a very low self-esteem. Normally, you live only by your desires, and do not notice anyone in the question their reactions. And you do not know how, and all day you evaluate yourself through their eyes. good rule of thumb I treat myself, so others will treat me. And if you are not confident in yourself, then others are not interested in you. But you turn on this mechanism. You have two ways - to work with literature for self-education and work in term paper with a psychologist in the matter of increasing your value. The second way is more reliable. Questions are related to your childhood, therefore, it is advisable to entrust these difficulties to a specialist and work together. Contact, I will help.
Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd
Good answer1 Bad answer1Where we spend at least eight hours a day, we almost always make friends. You can communicate with them. Not on all topics. Let's remember what taboos are in conversations with fellow colleagues?
This is obvious - you still discuss absolutely any topic with your new bosom friend. The effect is enhanced by the mentality: in our country, kitchen conversations are an obligatory part of any friendship. And everyone, it seems, does not care if this kitchen is located at home or at work, and where, in fact, a friend is from - from school or from a neighboring department.
It's not worth letting all these conversations go by itself (no matter how much you want it), because if ordinary friendship is nothing more than friendship, then office friendship is also your career. Want to illustrative example? Yes please!
Not money!
I joined the company about a year ago. And somehow I immediately "sang" with a colleague - your soul mate found in it. Excellent, not burdensome communication: going to the dining room, smoking room, sitting together at trainings, sharing all sorts of links. In the end, I began to count her almost best friend... One day I found out how much she gets. We had exactly the same positions and responsibilities, the same level of work, she just had more experience than mine - by 7 months. And the difference in salary is almost twice. In principle, I know that measuring salary is the last thing, but something still jumped in me. At first, I started asking for a raise from the authorities, and when I was refused, I began to refer to my friend - they say, why can she get so much, but I can't? The relationship with that girl somehow "went cold" at once. I know that I was wrong, but I could not help myself - apparently, I have a heightened sense of justice. Well, or envy.
Counting other people's rubles and kopecks is a thankless, unprofitable and ugly business. Friendship is friendship, but wallets are apart. So it’s better and don’t try to find out who has what financial affairs - you will sleep better! The same story goes for mortgages, loans and debts - your work colleagues do not need (even completely undesirable) to know who and how much you owe. Discussing this topic can be embarrassing for everyone.
Not rumors!
There are always a lot of rumors, and at their expense it is too easy to gain fame - bad, of course. Even if you trust a colleague with whom you share your phenomenal news, this does not mean that the colleague will not ruffle everyone else interested. Trusting in the office, alas, is not worth anyone. This affects your reputation and, consequently, your career. Likewise, avoid discussing gossip.
And one more small note: if your boss congratulated you on your promotion, this is also not a reason to rush to share the news with colleagues. That's why:
One day the boss called me to his office. The occasion turned out to be very unexpected: he announced that he was leaving for another company, and now I will work in his position - with a salary increase, with the receipt of certain powers, and so on. The first thing I did on leaving the office, of course, was to tell a couple of colleagues with whom I was friends. By the way, the boss did not ask me to keep the information secret and even gave me a trial assignment, in which I was already the leader. In short, I began to "lead". For some reason, my colleagues who were friends with me were immediately offended - apparently, I did not have enough experience to do it competently, or they were simply angry that they were not appointed. And after a couple of weeks it turned out that the boss had changed his mind about leaving, and I remain in my position. Unpleasant situation turned out. And the relationship was spoiled, and the position did not increase.
In general, know: before bragging about the appointment and the increase, sign the documents. And then - do not brag, but report.
Not the position!
Discussing the working status of colleagues is taboo. Who promoted whom, who was awarded the badge of honor and whose photo was posted in the red corner of the office - this is a slippery topic. You can be happy for a person if he really deserves it. Or keep silent (option - nodding, smiling), if you have a different opinion.
The young deputy director of the sales department, Lydia, got her position by showing the future boss by no means a diploma. All her colleagues are sure of this. Only some were ready to challenge the validity of this merit, while others were prudently silent in a rag. Lydia remained a deputy for a long time and, believe me, she personally knew everyone who did not agree with her appointment. And not to say that at that time they were very lucky at work ...
Not personal questions!
The events of your life are certainly worthy of at least a newspaper editorial and regular news releases on central television. So you think. But most colleagues are still not very interested in hearing the details of your family happiness.
Year after year, I made the same mistake: getting too close to my colleagues. She complained about her husband, swore at her mother-in-law, bragged about her child. Sometimes it came to the point that even discussed health. In general, over time I realized that it was all a mistake on my part. Friendship at work most often does not happen, but to tell too much about yourself is welcome. I chatted until I realized that people didn't want to go to lunch with me. Much has changed since then, but I am true to the new principle: at work, you can only discuss topics on duty!
Today, company managers assess the level of conflict in a candidate among the main criteria for hiring. Few people want to see conflict people among their subordinates, which is quite understandable: such personalities bring disharmony into calm atmosphere team, spoil the mood of their colleagues and interfere with effective work. However, often the conflict does not manifest itself in a person immediately, but "comes out" only after a few months. How to deal with a conflicted colleague if you have to work with him in the workplace side by side all day?
First of all, as psychologists advise, it is necessary to determine the type of conflict personality and, based on this, develop further tactics of behavior:
1. If this is a "hidden conflict" - with high self-esteem, painfully touchy and uncritical of his own shortcomings, capable of being offended for a long time and not talking to you, try not to pay attention to the behavior of your colleague and communicate with him as if nothing had happened. As a rule, such people do not go into open conflicts and prefer to just play in silence. And when similar person understands that they do not react to his insults, he involuntarily corrects his behavior and is offended less often.
2. "Demonstratively" conflicting personalities conflict is preferred over any conversation. They interfere in other people's conversations, express their opinions everywhere, make comments and constantly demonstrate dissatisfaction. As a rule, such individuals only know how to inflame a conflict, but they are completely incapable of "keeping the defense on". It is better to put such people in their place right away: immediately suppress their remarks, interference in other people's disputes or indignations. More often than not, a few times are enough for this person to control himself with you.
3. "Conflict-free" people quite often, unwittingly, they themselves provoke a conflict. As a rule, these are insecure and suspicious individuals who strive to constantly please everyone, intervene in any business and offer their help unnecessarily. Such personalities often cause irritation and annoyance. Although you can find an approach to them: it is enough to explain in a very friendly manner that you appreciate their help and are very grateful for their attention, but you like to work on your own and you do not like to be constantly distracted from work.
4. Purposefully conflicting persons conflict solely because of the achievement of their own goals. Often, such personalities provoke a conflict in order to unbalance you, and then, for example, to demonstrate your impartial behavior to the authorities. With such conflicts, one can choose two strategies of behavior: either complete ignorance, or calm, but very tough suppression of any initiatives of the conflict.
If no methods help to cope with a conflicted person, you can contact the manager with a direct explanation of the impossibility of interacting with your colleague and specific proposals to disconnect you (transfer to another room, department or branch of the company). Better to change the habit workplace inside the same company, than spoil your nerves every day and every morning with unwillingness to go to work.
If your colleagues don't like you, some of them will not hesitate to say so openly. Others will diplomatically and professionally hide their feelings.
Lynn Taylor, national work issues expert and author of How To Train Your Office Tyrant, Deal With An Infantile Boss, and Succeed at Work, says:
“Many people hide their contempt for others in order to avoid scandal and preserve their careers, but they continue to quietly ruin the lives of those they hate. whole line signs by which you can determine that someone is not acting in your interests. "
If you spot them early enough, you can correct the situation before it gets too far.
"Of course, it's impossible to please everyone," says Taylor.
Still, you must listen to the needs of your coworkers, be friendly to them, maintain a positive attitude, communicate openly and trust them no matter what.
"People like that have brighter career prospects," says Taylor. "Plus, having a strong and healthy working relationship allows you to be more effective at fulfilling your responsibilities and achieving your goals."
Michael Kerr, an internationally renowned motivational speaker and author of The Benefits of Humor, agrees with Taylor.
“When your colleagues like you, it’s easier,” he says. - "You know that they are ready to cover you if necessary, provide a service, help in difficult situation or organize joint workeven if you work in different departments. "
According to Kerr, good relationship of others strengthens self-confidence, increases work productivity, provokes the appearance creative ideas and allows you to achieve success, no matter what you do.
Below we list a few unobvious signs, by which you can judge that your colleagues secretly hate you. Remember that no one knows how to read other people's thoughts, and therefore is not immune from mistakes. Don't jump to conclusions! Perhaps you are simply misinterpreting their sign language or tone.
If your coworkers only act badly towards you, chances are they really don't like you.
1. You intuitively feel that they do not like
If it seems to you that your colleagues hate you, maybe you came up with it all, or maybe it really is. If someone treats you differently from those around you, you can hardly be called their favorite. Trust your intuition and keep looking for confirmation that you are right.
2. They take your credit for themselves
“Maybe your colleagues just love fame,” says Taylor.
But if every time they try to take only your merits for themselves, most likely they are trying to get you out of the team.
3. They don't look you in the eye
"If you don't love and respect a person, you can hardly look him in the eye," says Taylor. If you find that coworkers avoid eye contact even in conversation, there are reasons for this.
"Maybe they are afraid that you will notice hostility in their gaze, and therefore they do not want once again look at you, "Taylor suggests.
4. They don't smile when you are around.
Everyone has bad days and mood swings, but if coworkers deliberately hide a smile in front of you, something is definitely going wrong.
5. In a conversation with you, they get off with general phrases
If you ask how you are and get an on-call response ("Okay" or "It's okay"), and emails from colleagues never begin with a friendly greeting ("Hello" or "Good afternoon"), this can also be a sign of negative attitudes. ...
"If someone is acting like a sulky teenager, that's a reason to be wary," Kerr advises.
6. They never ask you to join a joke conversation.
"Jokes are the best way strengthen working relationships. If coworkers never try to engage you in playful dialogue, chances are they feel insecure and don't see you as part of the team, ”Kerr says.
7. They avoid you
If you’re waiting for the elevator and see coworkers preferring to climb the stairs just not to ride with you, or waiting for you to leave the bathroom to go into it, that means they’re avoiding you.
8. They spread gossip
Gossip is childish and unprofessional, but if someone doesn't like you, they will inevitably gossip about you.
9. They act like they have power over you.
"People who dislike you will harass you, even if they don't have the right to do so," Taylor says.
10. They don't notice your presence.
If colleagues do not greet you in the morning and do not say goodbye in the evening, in this way they demonstrate their negative attitude to you.
11. They never invite you to social gatherings.
If coworkers never ask you to have lunch or discuss a project over a cup of coffee, they are trying to tell you something.
12. They use negative sign language.
"If one of your colleagues constantly rolls their eyes when you start to speak, takes a defensive posture, folding their arms, or does not look up from the screen when you enter the room, this allows you to judge his true feelingsah, "says Kerr.
13. When they are near you, they take a defensive position.
"If a person quickly becomes defensive in a dialogue with you, most likely he does not trust you, and he does not like you," says Kerr.
14. They communicate with you exclusively by email, even if you are sitting next to
If your colleagues don't like you, they will try to keep personal communication with you to a minimum. If in recent times the flow of letters from them has increased significantly, this is a bad sign.
15. They disagree with you about anything.
If people constantly reject your ideas, it means that they don't like you.
"If someone cuts you off in mid-sentence and speaks of your proposal in a negative way, their biases are so strong that they will reject anything, even if the idea was initially great," says Kerr.
16. They form gangs like schoolchildren.
If you feel like a Mean Girls heroine, and you are not invited to any group, most likely, no one likes you.
17. They never ask you personal questions.
“If you find that coworkers are constantly chatting with each other about their families and hobbies, but never touch these topics in dialogue with you, they are probably just not interested in how you live,” says Kerr.
18. They never give you and your work the attention they deserve.
Here's another sign that your coworkers despise you. “They believe that your problems and the results of your work are less important than the problems and results of other employees,” says Kerr.
19. They frame you to shield themselves.
When something goes wrong, coworkers try to shift the blame onto you. They sneak at you when you say or do anything that is contrary to company policy. Whenever you make a mistake, they report it to their superiors.
Most likely, they really want to be fired.
If attempts to frame you do not pay off, colleagues try to get rid of you in another way.
For example, they send you a list of vacancies in other companies and offer to "reduce with the right people"because" in the other team you will be happier and able to achieve more "even if you are already happy and satisfied with your results. Such advisors are unlikely to be concerned about your well-being.
Chances are, they don't like you and want you to leave.
21. They don't trust you
"If colleagues ask you too many unnecessary questions or give you the least information you need to know, they may be trying to destroy your career," says Taylor.
businessinsider.com, translation: Airapetova Olga
There will always be such individuals who, without a twinge of conscience, will show aggression and obvious antipathy towards you. Mostly ill-wishers and envious people surround you at the workplace, because there everyone is fighting for a place in the sun and for the favor of the authorities. However, open confrontation is less dangerous and fraught with consequences than hidden threat... Surely you, too, may have colleagues who despise you, but at the same time remain with a diplomatic expression on their faces.
Why hide hatred?
Hiding true feelings in the workplace helps workers in behind-the-scenes intrigue. In conditions large team people will never openly dislike someone. They are simply afraid of incurring problems or jeopardizing their own careers. However, surreptitiously, such people have ways to bring a lot of trouble to the object of their dislike. They love to do mean things, while remaining with a spotless reputation, manipulate other people and have conversations behind your back. 
"Knowledgeable means armed"
If you do not want to be part of corporate intrigue, there are some signs that the person has latent hatred towards you. Advice from psychologists: even if you figure out the ill-wisher, remain loyal to him. Don't avoid this person and be aware of the benefit of the doubt. If you are sure that there are no envious people in the office, try to be sensitive to the needs of all your colleagues, be optimistic, welcoming and friendly.
Strong connections with coworkers will come in handy in the future. And healthy and strong relationship in the workplace, a relaxed, friendly atmosphere helps all team members to be more efficient and productive. 
Healthy team relationships vs. behind-the-scenes games
Business speaker Michael Kerr says this: When all colleagues treat each other equally well, things become much easier. Each of the team members feels that there is a shoulder nearby, on which, if something happens, you can lean on. In any case, in a team with healthy relationships it is easier to ask for favors from colleagues or to receive favors. Moreover, people themselves will begin to offer you a helping hand. We have now described perfect model relationships in the team. What to do if your workplace is far from ideal, or you suspect that something is amiss? Before you 19 clear signs that your coworker secretly hates you. 
1. Your intuition speaks about it
Perhaps this is just an obsession. However, more often than not, intuition does not let us down. If you think that someone has a dislike for you, this may very well be true. In any case, the person may treat you in a completely different way from the way he treats other team members. And it makes you think about a lot.
2. He does not smile in your presence.
Now we are not talking about bad day or a sudden change in mood. If your coworker does not systematically or consciously smile in your presence, then something is wrong. 
3. He cannot maintain eye contact with you.
Psychologists say: it is difficult to look someone in the eye if you do not feel for the person warm feelings or at least respect. Have you noticed that a coworker avoids eye contact with you during a conversation? They are simply afraid to show hostility towards you in their gaze. People like this follow the path least resistance: turn away or avoid you. 
4. A coworker avoids you
Sometimes strange situations happen. You enter the elevator and notice a colleague walking behind. You are waiting for him, but he prefers to climb the stairs. He avoids you.
5. He spreads rumors
This unprofessional behavior is unfortunately not uncommon in the workplace. A person only loves to spread rumors about who he really does not like. 
6. He doesn't notice your presence.
When you come to the office, this person will never tell you “ Good morning". He will not even go down to the attendants, nothing meaningful phrases... This ignorance can also be evidence of his dislike.
7. The person is too dry when answering questions
Of course, he will not be able to ignore your questions. This is not allowed by corporate ethics. Ask such a person "How are you", and in response you will hear a short "Normal". If you receive business correspondence from such a person, be sure that it does not start with a greeting. 
8. He sends non-verbal negative signals
Such a person, at the sight of you, may involuntarily look away or grimace in a grin and roll his eyes. He is constantly closed to you: his arms are intertwined, and his legs are crossed. Also, your colleague may deliberately not take his eyes off the monitor at the moment when you enter the office. 
9. He never invites you to social events.
You will never receive an invitation to a business lunch or a corporate meeting from such a person.
10. A colleague has a habit of communicating via email
Even if you are in the same room, it will be an impermissible luxury for him to approach you with a request. He will simply send you a letter to email... Have you noticed a bias in communication towards digital format? This is a sure sign. 
11. He constantly disagrees with you.
All your ideas are perceived with hostility. Very often, such a person may not let you finish your phrases. He interrupts you and has his own point of view on everything. Even if he understands what you suggested great idea, he will never deviate from his principles. His dislike is too strong. 
12. Such a person is not interested in your personal life.
Your coworker can chat easily during a break with other coworkers about the topic. personal life, family and children. Only in conversations with you does he never raise these topics. He simply does not care about your personal life.
13. You are not among the companions for casual communication and jokes.
This person can amuse other colleagues for hours with casual jokes and anecdotes. Only a friendly laugh is always heard behind your back. You do not belong to the circle of the elect. He just doesn't feel comfortable around you. 
14. He steals your ideas.
Seeing a competitor in you, such a person will try to draw attention to his own person. Therefore, at every opportunity he will use your ideas and pass them off as his own.
15. He takes on unauthorized power
Such an employee can give himself powers that do not exist. For some reason he decided that he could give you orders. 
16. He creates groups
You may feel like you're in one of the Mean Girls scenes. You will never be part of one of the office groupings.
17. You Can't Trust Him
You share information with your colleagues for review, but this person can always use the received data against you. 
18. His favorite method of interaction is defensiveness.
You feel like a deep wall of mistrust is growing between you and this person. Or your colleague is only concerned with building defensive redoubts around him. Not otherwise, he prepared for the Cold War.
19. Your work is not a priority for him.
Another big signthat eloquently indicates that your colleague dislikes you. Your worries and problems will never be at the top of his list of priorities. He will never treat your work with the same level of urgency as other colleagues do.