Do you know what True Feelings are? A parable about feelings that will help to distinguish true from false

09.05.2019

You have probably heard declarations of love more than once in your life. But were they all sincere, or maybe some of them sounded pretentious? When he says to you "I love you!" the person you adore, you want to shout all over the street about your happiness, be glad that you have found mutual love... But if you have doubts, it is better to make sure that the person's feelings are genuine. How to recognize true love ?

At first, when feelings are just beginning to grow stronger, love can be easily confused with falling in love, passion, affection.... If you live together for two years or even more, and your feelings for each other are still the same quivering, most likely, this is just love, and it passed its first test - you were able to maintain your feeling for the entire time you got used to your friend to friend.

After a year of your relationship or even earlier, love will dissipate, passion will dull... Perhaps attachment may remain, but this is not love. It seems to you that you cannot live without this person, but in fact you are simply attached to him. This is for sure attachment, if you constantly swear, cannot compromise, but still feel that you cannot live without each other. You just got used to each other.

Do you respect each other?

If partners do not have respect for each other, if they are able to offend each other, is it love? Most likely, other feelings are involved here, similar to love, but this is not it. For example, if you are guided by your own opinion in solving some issues, and ignore your partner's opinion, this already speaks of disrespect, and where there is disrespect, there is no place for love.

True love is selfless

Think why did you choose exactly who you chose... You thought that this person would help you save up for new apartment to move out from your parents, will you solve problems for you, will you cook, wash and / or tidy up the house? Is there a lot of self-interest in your desires? If so, then most likely love. It doesn't smell from your side. True love is selfless.

Are you idealizing your partner?

Love is not a feeling when you see only pluses in a partner, but you don't notice minuses when you make a human ideal out of him. This is falling in love - strong, hot, but not love, again. If you love, you will not dissolve in a person, compromise your principles, ideals, aspirations... After all, you can feel as one with your partner, but at the same time have your own hobbies, aspirations, ideals and respect hobbies, aspirations and ideals.

As for what feelings are, there are still disputes between psychologists, philosophers, and teachers.

I was very interested in this question for a long time.dy. And this confusion hfrankly speaking, even annoying.

And a few years ago it so happened that almost simultaneously, with a difference of about a month, I read the same thing in the teachings of the Toltecs and in the Transactional Analysis - there are only 4 true feelings !!!

I was very surprised then, just like you are now. And when I read how it is justified by Theun Marez and TA, I gladly accepted this theory. And now, helping people solve them internal problems, I see how correct and wise this theory is about the four true feelings of people, which underlie all the intrapsychic processes of a person.

What are feelings? How do feelings arise?

Obviously, feelings are the body's response to any external signals. Depending on what information these signals carry, such will be the feelings inside us.

As I already wrote, very often people have feelings confused with inferences, and even more so with emotions. Emotions are the outward expression of feelings. We can control emotions and externally show them, or restrain and not show them. Feelings - they are within us, they are, and we cannot control them. They capture, as it were, our entire essence. And we are in them. Emotion is fleeting, and feelings overwhelm us on long time.

Lovely women! I invite you to my training

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Feelings are the body's response to interacting with external environment, the answer to signals coming from outside. It is obvious that feelings express the main needs of the body:

1. Desire to live: This includes the needs of reproduction, unity with other people, the very need to feel life.

2. The need for growth, development and improvement.

3. The need for self-preservation. Preserving life itself from destruction.

4. The need to protect your borders, interests, achievements. Protect what is achieved in the course of life.

All these needs are manifested in the form of certain feelings.

Transactional analysis, Toltec teachings, the best psychologists such as Eric Fromm, Thomas Trobe - talk about the same. The only thing is that they do not focus on the fact that these are all the immediate needs of our main energy center- Souls.

So, I gave you a hint in this post. What do you think are the 4 main feelings a person has? Maybe now you can guess ...

Head of the Rose of Life Center

Natalia Ostapenko

—Why are so many families falling apart today?

- Why are poorly constructed buildings, structures, houses destroyed? Because they were poorly built. Let's ask ourselves a question: what does it take to build a good, reliable home? That's right, one desire and fantasies about how wonderful it will be is not enough. You first need to draw a sketch, then a project that will include all calculations, calculate the quality and quantity of materials, and the strength of structures. Then we will begin to make a solid foundation, build communications, build bearing structures etc. Last but not least, we will arrange furniture conveniently, create comfortable conditions for ourselves.

And what happens when you create modern families? Two people met, liked each other, dreamed and decided to create a good and beautiful house... They did not make calculations, sketches, there is no foundation, but there is only the desire to live beautifully. In addition, the builders are intoxicated with the senses. Have you seen drunk builders? Don't be surprised that they end up building a terrible house. In doing so, they may even buy a beautiful setting in accordance with their fantasies. But the house does not stand on a foundation. And in the end, of course, he falls ...

The family has its own laws. Even carpenters who make wooden stools have their own rules. And the laws of creating a family are much more complicated ...

Look: we are surrounded by surrogates. We eat sausage, in which there is not a drop of meat, we watch a film in which there is not a drop of meaning, we listen to music in which there is not a drop of harmony. And then we are surprised that our feelings are the same. We don't even know what they should be!

At the same time, we think that true love itself should fall from the sky to us. No, It is Immpossible. The true is expensive. In order to have it, one must apply great amount effort. And we are much more concerned about FEELING something rather than BEING someone. We are all like sausage, in which there are all sorts of substitutes, enhancers, oxidants, dyes, but no meat. But this sausage has an excellent outer packaging.

- And how to distinguish true feelings from false ones?

- True feelings bring true joy. And not like drug addicts - only joy when I took a drug, and then withdrawal. And then he took it again - and again "joy".

True love is sacrifice. The mother saves the child and sacrifices her life, the soldier goes to death for the salvation of the Motherland, Christ is crucified for the sake of all people! Look, this is real Love. Here it is - a voluntary sacrifice for the sake of another! Sacrifice is synonymous with love.

If I sacrifice my time, strength, desires, opportunities for the sake of another, while not demanding anything in return, not from under the bar, completely lacking my own interest, then I love. I just want to do everything in my power for this person. This is love! And if he also relates to me - then this is mutual Love! And this love is merciful, does not seek its own (according to the Gospel).

Everything else is a surrogate, an outward appearance of love, but in terms of its inner content, it is an ordinary passion. All these ooh-sighs, exaltation, addictions are not Love. This is anti-love and passion.

Many will say that true love cannot be achieved in our time, that this is an ideal, pipe dream. This is not true. True love can be grown in oneself, one can meet, one can grow to it. But for this we need to kill egoism in ourselves, which makes us blind, because egoists see only themselves.

- Many find it difficult to admit their own selfishness. Some consider themselves good. Others don't have correct presentation, what it is. Is it possible to understand the "stage of the disease"?

- Each of us has enough selfishness. In order to understand this, you have to be honest with yourself. The indicator of selfishness is the degree of our sacrifice. The more we do for other people, the more we try to help them, the more we feel the need to give something from ourselves to another, the less selfishness we have. We just need to take into account that we must do all this for people free of charge, from pure heart without hoping for the recognition or obligation of another for what we have done. We just have to give, give to another.

And now everyone can look inward and see that they cannot sacrifice anything. Everyone can work, but for a salary, everyone can give, but they will wait for a return gift, everyone can give alms, but such a minuscule that simply will not matter to us (a trifle so that pockets are not torn), everyone sacrifices time and energy for the sake of another but expect to get no less. And if we are deprived of something, we will be upset and offended. From a pure heart, we cannot do anything, because we do not have a pure heart. Our hearts are polluted with pride.

You can also determine the degree of selfishness by the number of our requirements for others.

Demands are the opposite of sacrifice. The more we make demands on people, the less Love we have, but the more selfishness.

- It is sometimes hard to give. As if you are sacrificing the last one. How do you learn to do this? How to recover from selfishness and is it possible at all?

- We need to start noticing those who need help. And help as much as possible. Just be honest to see how many of them you have, not to deceive yourself. Nothing can be demanded in return, no reward can be expected. Otherwise it will not be a sacrifice. In the family, stop counting who, to whom and what should be done ... You can also participate in the work of volunteer organizations that help the disadvantaged. If you give money, then not a minuscule, but really an amount that deprives you of something superfluous (but not necessary).

At the same time, you should not be proud of the fact that you did a good deed. More support for those who live next to us, in the neighborhood. It is imperative to forgive insults - this is also a sacrifice. Yes, a lot more. You can't list everything

- What is the true meaning of the family?

- This question can be resolved only if you understand the meaning of life in general ...

If we consider the question of why a family is needed, what place should a family occupy in life, then we can answer it with the following metaphor. Tell me, why climbers go to the mountains not one by one, but in pairs?

— It's too hard alone. If something happens, no one will help.

- Exactly. Alone there is no support, help, no one insures you. It is very dangerous and unreliable for one in the mountains. If a person goes to the mountains alone, then the probability of a successful ascent is very small, and the probability of trouble is high. This is life - this is the ascent to the goal. It is difficult, dangerous, and requires a lot of strength. It is easier to do it in pairs.

Marriage is creation. Two people create each other, i.e. support on this difficult path to a common goal, help in every way, provide each other with different assistance in this ascent. And then children are born who must also make this ascent. And then the parents support the children on this path. And so the whole family is storming this mountain, helping each other. And then the parents become old, underpowered, and the children support them in the same way as they once supported the little ones. This is the meaning: All together, on the way to a common goal, through difficulties on the way to the top.

- Should spouses have general views basic questions?

- People are mistaken when they believe that a family can be created simply because they like a person externally or something else, it is interesting with him, good in close relationships, they want children from him, the partner is rich, etc. Outer beauty may pass, physical attraction disappear, he may become uninteresting, feelings will become less acute, sex will not be so bright, children may grow up and leave, or they may die - and then what?

In families created on such a weak foundation, irritation towards each other will gradually grow, the wife may start nagging her husband, which will eventually lead to separation. Therefore, there are so many divorces. Why before, before the revolution, there were almost no divorces? Because there was a goal. And she was real. And the family was built on a very solid foundation.

The family is a joint spiritual maturation, which cannot be possible without difficulties. You have to be aware of this. When a person realizes the need for this growing up - in a mature, old age, he reaps great results. Both spouses should have this understanding. The spouses should have a common goal towards which both should go together, hand in hand. If there is no goal, the marriage is doomed.

In any business there should be a goal: in war - one goal, at work - a second, in a family - a third ... Life is in a sense a war, and not a sheer pleasure, entertainment. But today, for many, marriage is entertainment. But with this approach, the partner's shortcomings are gradually hypertrophied, becoming a "beam in the eye". And now both agree that they do not fit each other, that they are too different. People do not understand that they must work first of all on themselves, and not on another person.

A family is work, but a very rewarding work. Married life is about mutual patience, forgiveness, love, work on oneself and relationships. I often hear: "Oh, our love has passed, everything has collapsed." But if you do not have a common goal, then this is the end, because you have no goal and no desire to restore everything, you are fed up with each other. But you need to realize, make a reassessment of values, switch to new level relationship.

It seems strange that before the revolution they often did not even marry for love. But the ending was completely different! Relationships were strengthened and improved, love increased, tolerance for each other's shortcomings gradually came, people lived together to old age, lived old age. Since there was a common goal, there were no lonely old people, so there were no nursing homes either.

- Today, few decide to marry. But many want to live for themselves. Civil marriage is popular. What do you think about this?

- Today, indeed, many want to live for themselves. Take everything from life, so that later there was something to remember. At the same time, in their opinion, it is necessary to take more and give less ...

Family is a responsibility. Responsibility is the need to detach from oneself and invest in the family, as in a common pot. But I don't want to do this. Selfishness, fears, misunderstanding of the meaning of creating a family interferes. In this, of course, no one admits, and they come up with excuses like “we must first get on our feet”, “we need to make sure that we fit each other, get used to it”, etc. You just need to feel sorry for these people. They're looking just pleasant sensations, false feeling comfort, lack of responsibility, but do not get really deep and true feelings and love in this way. Fear of marriage is also a lack of desire, fear, delaying spiritual maturation.

Concerning civil marriage- it is rather a consequence of their own irresponsibility and mistrust of the partner. We settled together, but I left the door ajar so that in case of difficulties, I could slip out into it with the least loss for myself, my beloved.

- Often people feel that they have learned from previous marriage and in new marriage are already more experienced ...

— Remarriage can be even more frustrating in life. As a psychologist who has talked with a very large number of families, I can say with confidence that if any marriage is built on the wrong basis, sooner or later it will collapse.

— Is the desire to have children from a loved one also not a goal?

— You have to understand that children are also mortal. Children, too, will someday start their own families, leave your family, children will grow old and die someday. Children are not the purpose of marriage. On the path of life, people should improve their souls, yes, making mistakes, but realizing them and drawing conclusions, overcoming difficulties, should help their children to improve, support them. I would say that children are a means, very the right remedy but not the most the main objective... If that were the goal, then families without children would make no sense. Fortunately, this is not the case.

— Friction between spouses often generates emotions. Isn't it harmful to contain them, even with the aim of preserving peace?

- It is harmful to restrain emotions. But emotions come after you have allowed feelings to take over you. I will explain this on the mechanism of the lighter. Look, if you just strike flint on flint with it - there is nothing terrible, only sparks are carved. But, if gas starts to flow, then you see what is happening - here it is a flame, an open fire. Any friction without emotion is a safe spark. But as soon as we give emotions power, a fire starts. This is the danger.

The task of every person is to learn how to prevent this. You need to learn to control own feelings... Usually, such strong flammable feelings on both sides are caused by our pride, selfishness, pride, etc.

— They say that strong marriages- those that are calculated. What do you think about this?

- Believe me, I've seen such marriages! A woman marries a man's wealth. Nothing is eternal, you know. Today a man is on a horse, tomorrow, excuse me, under a horse. Health, accidents, persecution, bankruptcy, everything happens. So what? A woman who married for money, in the absence of money, will leave, because she needs money from her husband, this is her goal: to live on consumption. So is a rich man: well, he bought himself the love of a model. Tomorrow there will be a new miss, more beautiful, more leggy. He will leave his wife. He will buy himself a new one ... Or maybe something that will not leave, but will get himself a mistress or mistresses. And the wife will put up with it, because she married not a man, but money. So what? Where will they come? Do you think they will be happily married? .. Or someone is getting married because of an apartment and registration. But the apartment may suddenly be needed by one of the relatives. Which, by the way, happens most often. And now, the marriage is on the verge of collapse ...

I gave a metaphor about how the meaning of life and marriage can be likened to reaching the top of a mountain. Anything can be ahead - an avalanche, and a blizzard. Alone, as we said, you are unlikely to be able to achieve the goal. You need to take someone with you. But who will you take with you: handsome, long-legged, funny, rich? Probably, you want to have a person with you, first of all, reliable, who can be trusted, who will not leave you in difficult times, will lend you a helping hand, will always be with you ... However, for some reason people often choose a partner in a different way ... Or they go, but somewhere completely aimless.

That is, the calculation is needed, but not like that. Usually everyone thinks about material calculation, but you need to think about spiritual calculation when creating a family. .

- Many young women told me: you can't love your spouse much, you have to pull and pull from him, the more you take, the more he will appreciate you, and the more reluctant he will be to leave you. The more you love yourself, the more they will love you. The more money is invested in YOU, the more YOU will be loved. Get it done. Love yourself more than your spouse ... I'm confused. And I don’t know how to behave in a marital relationship.

- Well, yes. Today, all marriage is viewed as an opportunity to get something: to gain status, advance in a career, put a paw on the wealth of a spouse, etc. Most want to grab. If I grab more of my spouse, that's okay. And as soon as it turns out that he grabbed more, then a showdown begins, questions about trusting each other are raised ... If you do the same, if you treat your spouse as a consumer, then why love you if you love only yourself? Yourself, not your spouse! What, then, is the meaning of marriage? And will there be love in such a marriage if everyone loves themselves more? You cannot at the same time love yourself selflessly, and give the best to another from yourself, your beloved. It is not love if it is not sacrificial, when people are determined to take-take-take. This is selfishness. And no one will love you anymore. It's my pleasure.

— And there is no likelihood that the partner will abuse love?

- There is such a possibility. Of course, it is stupid to sell an apartment in order to give all the money to a homeless person, who will drink it on drink in a couple of days and die from alcohol intoxication. Likewise with love. You need to be wise in this matter in relation to unfamiliar people, do not be deceived ... But you still need to love your spouse with real love and not be shy, not afraid to express it. This is already a problem for the spouse, whether he will be able to appreciate it or not. Sacrificial love useful primarily for YOUR soul ...

— In your opinion, is jealousy a manifestation of love? If there is no jealousy, then there is no love?

- Jealousy is just the absence of love and a manifestation of self-doubt.

— Do I need to control my spouse? And is there healthy control?

- It is necessary to control children, disabled people, those who cannot control themselves, stand up for themselves and take responsibility for their own actions. If the spouse wants to feel like a child, yes, maybe it is necessary to control, if the spouse likes it. But what kind of marriage is this if one is childish and afraid to take responsibility for himself? In general, control is distrust. If there is love, then the question of control disappears by itself. Each of the partners responsibly controls only YOURSELF.

You need to understand that only you are responsible for your life, for your spiritual and the physical state... And you cannot shift responsibility to another person, give reasons, force your partner to control you. Or shifting the responsibility to give control of yourself. Likewise, you cannot take responsibility for another, arrogating to yourself the right to control him.

Manifestation true love- giving a person a free choice. A spouse has the right to choose and has the right to independently bear responsibility for his own life and for his family. A family is a mutual desire to be together, a mutual desire to invest in a family. Control in any form, jealousy is a manifestation of selfishness and unhealthy addicted love... Once upon a time another crisis control will get bored, and the partner will just run away ...

—What is pride?

- Pride (pride) is the most evil passion. Almost every sin has pride at its root. Murder occurs due to pride, because someone considered the other lower and more insignificant than himself, ascended over another person, irritation - due to pride, attempts to remake the other for himself, unforgiveness - due to pride, abuse, selfishness, consumerism, condemnation of others, betrayal, etc. The list goes on and on. In order to kill pride in oneself, one has to "I" -wave less and think more about others. Believers are given many other ways to overcome this spiritual affliction.

Pride is a consequence of submission to feelings, a distorted idea of oneself, a feeling of oneself as one is not really. A person fantasizes about himself something, begins to believe in it himself, to feel special, "the most-most". He no longer checks the conclusions about his own exclusivity, neither by logical reasoning, nor by comparing himself with other people, nor by practice. He trusts his feelings. Naturally, he has the idea that his loved ones do not respect him, care little, there is a desire to "drop everything and leave." This can, in particular, cause the breakdown of the family. If a person reasoned logically, thought, analyzed his actions - he would see that he is not at all "the best". But he lives with his feeling, not his reason, in his invented world, it is impossible to explain to him that he is wrong in anything, he simply will not listen.

Moreover, pride is the direct cause of self-centeredness and selfishness. Man has suggested to himself that the whole universe revolves around him, that he is a self-sufficient world. If desired, he will find confirmation of his importance. As we can see, blind trust in your feelings is not at all as harmless as it seems at first glance. This destroys both your own life and the lives of loved ones.

— Upholding own point vision - is it stubbornness or not?

- Defending your own point of view is good, it is right if you are sure that you are right. If you have objective evidence for this, and not subjective ideas ... But at the same time, you must avoid the appearance of such a feeling as pride, so as not to be exalted over your spouse in proving your own innocence.

— Is confidence in a wonderful future pride?

- This is not pride, but simply an unfounded fantasy, empty optimism. Who told you that tomorrow will come at all, that there will be no 3rd world, catastrophe, deadly disease, stray bullet? And what kind of stupid "Everything will be okay" pattern? Are you God to speak like that? You have to live in the present and make a decision for your own life now. We need to develop own soul today. And not cry: “Oh, what a beautiful beautiful wedding but today everything has collapsed. " Tomorrow, perhaps, you will think differently, at 60 or at wheelchair without family and children, you will not cry over what you were lovely wedding what was on you beautiful suit and what happiness you were counting on, but over the fact that you are alone, without meaning, without spirituality, without family and children. Life is not a holiday, and a person is not a butterfly flitting from one festival to another, from flower to flower. Life is a job that we do every minute. It is now necessary to lead it, and not to postpone it. And, of course, we must not fantasize about a wonderful future, but work to make it possible to take place.

- Can routine kill love? Is the feeling of boring, monotonous everyday life an indicator that a man has fallen out of love with his wife?

- Yes, routine can kill falling in love. Have you ever seen such a vacancy: “We invite you to work, where the holidays, fireworks, contests and gifts, dancing and fun until you drop are waiting for you”? Or, let's say, there is even such a vacancy. And suddenly the holidays were over. And what? There was a feeling of routine, boredom and monotony. “But they promised me something else, they promised me permanent holidays ... Well, no, this will not work,” they say to the employer ...

In case of expectation from marriage of constant euphoria, unwillingness to work on maintaining love - yes, the likelihood that routine will kill falling in love is great. Love is not a constant euphoria. Yes, this is euphoria at some moments, but to have it at least sometimes, you have to work on it ... But can you imagine how unbearable and sickening it would be if the euphoria lasted a day, two, a week, a month, a year? Yes, everyone would start to feel sick from such euphoria. They would stop feeling and appreciate her.

And who in general told you, apart from television propaganda of pleasure, that everything should be pleasant in this life? All religions of the world believe that this world was created not for cloudless happiness, but as an arena for the struggle between the forces of good and evil. This should be well understood, and not looking for fun. Then there will be no feeling of routine.

- I have few examples happy marriages, so I really want to know how to build relationships in the family?

- Everything is very simple here: a person must understand why he needs a family. This is a matter of principle. If the goals are clearly set, then resources will certainly be found in the future. There are certain principles, of course.

Ideally, a man should be the captain, he bears the main responsibility for the family, and, accordingly, he should be respected and honored as the captain of a ship named "Family" ...

The hierarchy is built in the family from here. If you want to change something in your husband, it is important to calmly, without reproaches and grins, without tantrums and scandals, as is often done, to say about it. Starting with the smallest problem and ending with the sexual sphere. Dialogue is needed. When a partner winds something up in his head, it turns out to be a completely delusional state. “So, he went to rest alone. What am I? But he didn't let me go to see his friend last time. But I will instruct him, so that he knows, the viper is such, how to treat me. " There are a lot of such situations. Moreover, only she alone knows about this, he often does not even know. What is she doing this for? Where does this lead? Only to grief.

That is, if you do something, then you need to do it not just like that, but so that it leads to something. You need to see the goal. Just doing the action is stupid. He instructed the horns, she instructed the horns in revenge, both in the end cannot understand each other and cannot endure either. What kind of family is this? The family is a dialogue and a common direction, common goals, a common foundation, as we have already said with you.

This was also told to children, but for some reason no one perceives it normally ... And less emotions. Emotions are good in bed, on vacation, in sports. Before expressing any negative emotions- You have to think 100 times.

- But you said that it is harmful to restrain emotions ...

- I'm not saying that emotions should be contained. This is definitely harmful. When the fire broke out, the pan began to boil - you need to remove the lid, otherwise it will explode. But it is not necessary to turn on the switch for the saucepan to heat up; it is necessary to prevent bad emotions even at the stage of feelings. You yourself will decide whether to allow these emotions or not.

- Is hot temper a character trait or something else? Often hot-tempered people explain some of their actions with a hot-tempered character.

- Hot temper is not character. This is promiscuity, inability to control your emotions. And in fact, these are all self-justifications. A person can control his emotions, but does not want to do it. When he flares up on his wife - for some reason it is considered normal. But if Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin were again next to this person, he would hardly have flared up, he would even have restrained himself. For some reason, at home he is hot-tempered with his wife, children, that is, those who cannot fight back, but at work, with the authorities, no irascibility is most likely observed, everyone is very good, they know how to control themselves.

— Should a man help a woman with housework? Or is it a female prerogative?

- During the Stone Age, there was a clear division - men hunted, women stayed at home and ran the household. But if a man cannot provide his family in such a way that a woman has the opportunity to cope well with the housework, work at a minimum, and maybe not work at all, then how can he be dissatisfied with something at all? Do they share the work with you? Divide. Then be so kind as to sometimes wash, sweep, cook dinner, help ... Those who don’t help their wife in principle have the position of an egoist, when I don’t owe anything to anyone, only everyone owes me everything. Families are often shattered by the selfishness of a family member.

An egoist can do nothing. In principle, nothing can. He cannot create a happy strong family, a family for life. Any of his marriage is doomed. If, of course, he does not reconsider his views on life.

- You say that there should be a dialogue in the family. But I have two examples of families where couples, it seems, talked, talked to each other, but did not agree to anything. As a result - on the verge of divorce. And both couples came to the conclusion: who in general needs this dialogue if we do not understand each other?

- If there is no common foundation, common values - what to talk about, where are the points of contact, what is the meaning of the dialogue? It is no longer a dialogue that takes place, but monologues! ..

- How to behave correctly for a woman so that a man feels like a man in family life? Some psychologists advise a woman not to take responsibility for herself and sometimes give up any initiative, just do nothing in certain situations: a man will be forced to learn responsibility and independence himself ...

- It depends on what dictates it. If the responsibility is divided into two, then the power is equally divided. But if a man wants power, power in the family - be kind and take responsibility for yourself. Power without responsibility is impossible. It's like in the army. The general will be asked as a general, not as a private. Can you imagine a general who would have power but not bear any responsibility for his own decisions? And then in families it happens like: a woman drags on herself the responsibility, and a man tries to arrogate to himself all the power, while doing nothing himself. Men today often want to have power simply because they are men, but do not want to be held accountable. And it is on this basis that conflicts begin. Returning to the question, we can say that you cannot give all responsibility to someone who does not want and cannot take it. This will not solve the problem. A man who does not want to take responsibility will not become more responsible. Anarchy will just begin in the family. Total irresponsibility. This is even worse.

- Husbands often try to remake their wives. In the sense that they are not satisfied with the style of clothing, they try to “change clothes” for themselves ... For example, they want their wife to dress more revealingly, sexually. But girls feel very uncomfortable about it. Is it worth it to "bend" under a man?

- How can a person express himself? To do something worthy, kind, necessary, to become more spiritual, better! Or you can do nothing at all, buy beautiful wife so that all necks are folded. They themselves cannot be bright, so they try to attract attention to themselves with the brightness of the one who is nearby. The less self-confident a person is, the more he makes demands on a partner, the more he is fixated on external manifestations success, which, of course, includes both the partner and his appearance.

This is all from emptiness, understand. People just go crazy with boredom, seeming routine and monotonous everyday life. From the inner emptiness, they try to fill themselves with something: clothes, new impressions, women, drinking, perversions, vivid sensations, drugs. But, as you know, all this does not bring happiness. Because happiness is a spiritual state. And all of the above does not saturate, it can only bring temporary excitement, which quickly passes ... Any sensations become boring. Therefore, a person goes further, then even further. It can be endless and endless. Moving from one perversion to another, they wind up, wind up until they reach some kind of corpse-eating ...

— Often mothers of sons reproach daughters-in-law for the fact that wives invest little.

- Well, yes. They want their daughters-in-law to invest and invest in their son. Here I, mother, invested, now let my wife invest. And everyone is only doing what they invest until the son burst one day. From narcissism and selfishness. Such a person in whom everyone invests often has claims to the whole world: why the Central Bank invested little in his pocket, why Bill Gates didn’t polish his shoes, why he didn’t get the post of prime minister, why all the freaks are around. There will be no end to the self-doubt of such a comrade. There is no need to reproach anyone for anything. It is necessary to raise a mature son or daughter. And they themselves will figure out on their own: where to give and where to receive. And the second they will be interested in the last.

Any of us has a state when doubts overwhelm and it is impossible to make a decision. This happens especially often when it comes to feelings and emotions. It would seem, what is easier, to sort out your feelings. But sometimes this is what becomes the most difficult task.

As a result, strangers find themselves next to us, emptiness settles in the soul, and cold in relationships. The habit becomes the norm, and it seems that it should be so.

In order not to wake up next to a stranger every morning, you need to understand at the beginning of the relationship if there is real closeness between you.

One very active and loving man had four beloved women at the same time. He liked all of them equally, were attractive and not stupid. He would not mind getting married to each of them, since he was tired of walking in bachelors and wanted home comfort.

But the problem was that he couldn't choose one of them. He was afraid of losing everything, but living like that was unbearable. One day a man met his old acquaintance, and in despair asked for advice.

The friend listened to him with sympathy and replied:
- Use candor. She herself will make the choice for you.
- How is it, - the man did not understand, - frankness?
- And so, - the friend answered with a smile, - do not hide anything from your women, and tell each of them about the other three.

The next time they met was three months later. Our hero looked cheerful and happy. An acquaintance asked how he was doing and whether he took his advice.
“Yes,” the man replied. Your advice turned out to be simple and very effective.

When I revealed the whole truth to my lovers, one of them immediately broke off the relationship. This was the easiest choice. But the hardest part was ahead. The remaining three women knew about the rivals, continued to meet with me, and I was completely frank with them and did not hide anything.

Within a couple of weeks, I was surprised to realize that I couldn't be equally honest with all three. I told one without hesitation everything, the second half, and the third almost nothing. A little later, I discovered that I could talk to anyone about two of them, discussing the current situation, and I did not want to talk about the third. I soon realized that I could only be completely honest with one, but I don't want to talk about her with anyone.

You stayed with her, - guessed the friend.

Yes, thanks to your advice. At first I was suspicious of him, but then I decided that I had nothing to lose. It turned out that this technique works flawlessly.

This is not surprising, because frankness is an indicator of sincerity, it helps to distinguish true feelings from false ones and weed out unnecessary people... You should not strike up a close relationship with a person if there is no frankness between you. But the feelings of someone you don't want to talk about should be cherished.

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