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How to "neutralize" a mother-in-law. Don't expect attitudes to change after you get married. Be careful showing your own benefits

Mother-in-law - scary wordwho are often frightened young girlswho are going to get married, but is it so scary and do all mother-in-law represent trouble number one in family life? There are legends about the mother-in-law, although in fact there is a lot of truth in them, more than one marriage broke up through the fault of the mother-in-law, especially. if young people live together.

I will not describe the psychology and motives of certain actions of the mother-in-law, I’m not just lazy about this, let's figure out how to neutralize the mother-in-law in different situations... And remember, the first and most important thing is to find an opportunity to live separately.

There are four main types of mother-in-law that pose a lot of problems.

First type- the mother-in-law is a benefactress, she always knows what is best for you and is ready to "take care" of you day and night. Main signs: she loves to rummage in your things, loves to come to visit without warning, can break into the bedroom without knocking into the very inappropriate moment, and of course she never ceases to give advice, because she knows everything and about everything better than you, in her presence you feel like a little naughty schoolgirl. She loves to establish her authoritarianism with gifts and cash injections into your budget.

Counteraction: the further you live, the more the ray. In no case do not give her a set of keys from your home, do not accept gifts, monetary and physical assistance, no matter how much you would like it. Keep in mind that she will not understand the hints, and if you want to tell her what you don’t like, you will have to speak directly, bluntly. Make it clear that you are the hostess, and you yourself know what is best for you.

Type two - rival, her motto - HOW NOT LUCKED MY SON WITH WIFE! Her favorite horse is criticism, she criticizes you for everything and everywhere, putting you in an unfavorable light is a balm for her soul, and of course, only you are to blame for all the troubles and troubles.

Counteraction: always and in everything agree with her, as soon as criticism and accusations begin - do not let her say a word, calmly list your shortcomings yourself, then the merits of your husband, lamenting how lucky you were and how unlucky he was, in general, calmly say her speech. Deprived of the opportunity to splash out her negativity, she will eventually calm down and switch to something else.

Type three - an intriguer, the most dangerous type, because she always acts on the sly and for her all means are good. Do not feed it with honey to distort any situation.

Counteraction: minimum communication. maximum politeness, you can of course try to record your conversations on a dictaphone, but if your husband believes more to mom than you - here you are one against two, and you probably should think about whether your relationship is worth such a confrontation ...

Type four - the owner, she should always be the center of her son's life, everything else is a secondary plan, first of all attention should be paid to her, she should be helped, her problems should be solved first of all, regardless of her own.

Counteraction: it is possible only if you and your husband act as a united front, making her understand that you will never refuse help, but you also have your own needs. problems and needs.

For example, if a mother-in-law urgently needs her son to go to the dacha today, one might say. that he can only in three days (or two. or one, or whatever you like), because. that he or you have an urgent business that you cannot refuse, etc. A good move would be to find the mother-in-law a hobby or introduce someone to someone who will brighten up her loneliness and distract her from her son.

Here are the basic tips, but remember that the mother-in-law is your husband's mother and show her due respect, besides, there are many mother-in-law beautiful womenwho become real friends for daughters-in-law, and then many of you will also become mother-in-law ...

well, if suddenly you recognized yourself in these types - there is something to work on

The son has long become independent, and his mother is trying to look after him, calls him, gives advice - alas, the situation is so widespread that millions of women are beginning to think about how to discourage their mother-in-law from her husband so that this woman finally stops interfering in their lives ... Today, advice to women on this topic is given by a professional psychologist.

How to discourage a mother-in-law from her husband and reduce her influence

“I am married and have no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in my life myself, I took all life decisions without the participation of my parents - I was brought up that way.

The husband was brought up differently, all decisions in his family are made by his mother, and he and his elder sister accustomed to "close" problems on my mother, who with perseverance and fighting impudence rushes into battle and breaks any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.

And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, apart from my own and his parents, I have to think about how to discourage my mother-in-law from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything "to the court" to his mother, who also decides out of habit with a powerful military attack.

And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by its impenetrable "armor" of words: "What are you telling me here, I've done this all my life and I'm not going to do otherwise." The relationship with her mother-in-law became unbearable.

The worst thing is that my habit of living on my own now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: "She will not wish me bad things - mother after all!" (some kind of personality cult!)

An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his present life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all this is our family life, and not hers, that she can make mistakes and draw wrong conclusions, neither to which did not lead. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he completely refuses to do anything, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya ".

How to discourage a mother-in-law from her husband, answers psychologist Elena Poryvaeva:

Alas, this cannot be explained to the mother-in-law. Because, in principle, she will not want to understand this and will not be able to. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mom's advice.

You may have married big babyto be able to remain independent. Because, due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle of "close your mouth, a woman when the horsemen talk", or a man-child who wants to see a mother in his wife and only for this reason initially ready to obey her. Of course, it also happens “ golden mean”, But you have to look for it and even create it somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.

But now it should be noted that it will be difficult and useless to wait for such a husband to discourage a mother-in-law from her husband to express his opinion. He simply does not have his own opinion - only his mother's! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about a year to three, but in other individuals it, as you can see, sometimes remains for life).

You write that you are trying to teach him. First, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and educating him, you immediately cause the mother-in-law's natural hostile reaction, because you become her rival and rival - after all, only a mother can be engaged in raising this child. And you are encroaching, thus, in her place!

You ask: "How to discourage a mother-in-law from her husband and who makes a decision in the family - we or she." But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually offering your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, backed against the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense ...

The first option is to grab the husband under the arm, like a little one, and drag him away from mom beyond her reach. That is, in fact, to replace the spouse's mother.

The second is divorce.

The third is to become your mother-in-law's daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will cease to be afraid of you and begin to love, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving any independence.

And the fourth - you yourself mentioned it: learn diplomacy. Not shove, excuse me, on the rampage, but subtly manipulate the situation.

How to discourage a mother-in-law from her future husband

“I am 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mom didn't work out, and despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.

I know that he loves me, and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she offered him to leave with me and rent an apartment, now, when I live alone, she is offended that he is almost not at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don't know how to discourage his mother-in-law from her future husband and what to do ... Alexander Galuza. "

How to discourage a mother-in-law from her future husband, answers psychologist Elena Poryvaeva:

Alexandra, I'm afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering with your man's relationship with his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and has a very quivering relationship with mom - this already says a lot.

At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time that a mother interferes with her son's personal life, since most guys at this age are more often “not married” than “not yet married”. Not all, of course, but ...

In general, according to the totality of "symptoms", it will be difficult to discourage a mother-in-law from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, a proprietor, who is burdened by the mere thought that her "boy" can love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.

By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since you are a rival for her who wants to "take away" her "man" from her. The situation is very similar to love triangle "Wife - husband - mistress".

But "a wife is not a wall", and in general, wives for one male life maybe a lot, but mom is one. Actually, it is with this logic that such mothers operate. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and they treat grandchildren who are still born either coolly, or as children of their son, and not children of a son and daughter-in-law.

In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from your husband, but to talk to your man, explaining your concerns to him. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything how you feel: that you don’t want to get between him and his mom, but in the same way you don’t want his mom to get between you.

Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite pertinent. And the further depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, on how much he is already a psychologically mature person. If he is a "mama's boy" - run away from him before it's too late.

One "carriage conversation" comes to mind: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day under different pretexts pulled her son to her after work. Now her shelf has fallen, then she twisted her leg, then the medicine has to be bought, which is not for sale in her pharmacy, then something else.

And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to discourage her mother-in-law from her husband. After work, the husband would go straight to “my mother's”, and he would appear at home either very late (my mother also fed her dinner), or even stayed with her overnight. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband remained as a “son”.

And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom manipulates you "ended with scandals and the words" Mom always told me that you dislike her. " Hope you don't end up in a similar situation! Good luck to you!

Text: Sasha Gluvein

The mother-in-law is powerful and usually destructive force... By different estimates at their active participation every 8 marriage breaks up (some researchers also call another number - every second).

First, let's try to figure out why this is happening? There is a so-called life cycle families - here it is created, then children appear, then children grow up, leave their native nest, their parents are left alone again (this is best case).
The mother of a grown son, especially if there is no husband next to her, often tries to artificially prolong the “child in the house” phase, otherwise it may turn out that she “dissolved in the child” and “lived as a son” so much that she has her own interests. just no, she has nothing to do, and no one needs her. A life without any meaning, gaping with emptiness, will scare anyone. So the mother-in-law is trying to maintain the illusion that the son is still small. Hence the desire to control his every step, the desire to "hold and not let in", to deny the very possibility of the presence of any other, personal life son - "without her." And let's be honest, if the mother taught her son to the idea that his real family - this is she and only she (!), then it is unlikely that his family life will be happy.

If your boyfriend is fanatic about solving mom's problems, think three times, do you need him? For by marrying such a man, you will marry his mother at the same time.

There are several types of “problem mother-in-law”.

Type No. 1. "Benefactor" or "I know how it will be better for you"

Main features: this mother-in-law will not miss an opportunity to delve into your things - especially dirty ones. She is a priori confident that she acts only for the good, and always expresses her opinion on any issue, even if no one asks her.
The meaning of the phrase "personal space" for this type of mother-in-law is a sealed secret: if you live together, she is able to break into the room where you are making love without knocking; come to visit without a call (or even require a key from your home).
In her presence, no matter how old you really are, you sometimes feel like a little girl who needs an eye and an eye. The situation is aggravated if the spouse works with her in the same place.
Why does she do it: the most important thing that a "benefactress" needs is a sense of control over what is happening and a feeling self-worth... The "benefactor" usually resorts to manipulation with gifts and financial injections into your budget.
How to behave: do not rush to accept her gifts and / or help, no matter how tempting her offer may look, otherwise she will reproach you with them at every convenient or even inconvenient occasion. Be prepared for the fact that this woman will refuse to take your hints. In order to distance yourself from it, you need only unequivocal words and deeds. In a word, the further, the dearer.

Type number 2. "Competitor" or "How unlucky my son and wife are"

Main features: she loves to criticize you so much that it has long become her hobby. In her words, you - bad wife and of course, bad mother... The only woman who deserves to be near her son is herself. True, the “competitor” is unlikely to admit this out loud.
She knows much better than you how to raise children, for she herself was an ideal mother and continues to be her. The “competitor” is sure that you are the root of all troubles if something goes wrong. Depending on her temperament, she is able to defiantly grab a rag to start cleaning up the windows or the toilet, or, pursing her lips, defiantly sigh, taking pity on her son.
Why does she do it: to assert yourself at your expense and "win" in the struggle for a place in the heart the only man (it doesn't matter that he is her son, not her husband).
How to behave: Mastering psychological aikido, a technique developed by Mikhail Litvak, will save your nerves. Immediately agree with her every argument, with every word, list your shortcomings and advantages of your husband. Just do it calmly - depriving the mother-in-law of pleasure. Most likely, conflicts for her are a way of psychological "release" that allows her to get rid of excess adrenaline in her blood.

Type No. 3. "Intriguer"

Main features: she uses every opportunity to tell nasty things about you and spread gossip behind your back. However, if this gossip reaches you and you wish to clarify with her personally what exactly was meant, the "intriguer" will immediately deny everything. She constantly "drips" on the brain of your husband, secretly complaining to him about what kind of rubbish you are. One "fine" day, you may be surprised to learn from distant relatives, for example, how badly you treat the "intriguer" and how much she suffers from you.
Her favorite technique is to take a little bit of the truth, and then change it almost beyond recognition, distorting the facts in her favor.
Why does she do it: to get deep moral satisfaction from your divorce.
How to behave: keep communication to a minimum, if necessary, talk as politely and diplomatically as possible (otherwise she will gossip about your tantrums with even greater pleasure), weigh every word before saying something in her presence, in a word, keep yourself in check. Whether it is worth recording your conversations on a dictaphone, if the spouse is inclined to believe her version of events, and not yours - you decide. But in this case, nevertheless, it makes sense to think - do you need such a husband?

Type No. 4. Proprietor

Main features: her son should always be “in the zone of access”, she is sure that despite the presence of some kind of wife there, he must first of all think about her. Namely: to dig a garden, make repairs, take them to the country house and carry out a thousand and one more orders - for every day there will certainly be some kind of "hyper-important" business. As a rule, the “Proprietor” is not doing well with her health - every time her son cannot rush to her “to the rescue,” her pressure immediately rises (pressure drops, her heart hurts, pricks in her right side, enters her left heel. .. - choose your answer).
Why does she do it: a person who feels guilty is easily manipulated. She wants constant attention - she is convinced that better center the universe for the son can not be found.
How to behave: unite with your husband and stand against her as a "united front". In addition, you can try to "switch" the attention of the mother-in-law by making her interested in something else. Introduce someone from suitable men, if she is lonely, to be carried away by some new hobby. You can not refuse right away, chopping off the ends, but gradually accustom you to the idea that your son is not against helping her, but this will be done in such a way that the interests of his family also do not suffer.

Natalia Kaptsova


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Often, future daughters-in-law, following the advice of their friends, prepare for a protracted war with their mother-in-law. Even though your man's mom may be a golden person, you will set yourself up for conflict. You shouldn't listen to someone. You can have a wonderful relationship with your mother-in-law. The main thing is to be able to say “no” on time and gently, as well as to know some methods and techniques of communication.

  • Reasonable refusal

If you are tired of your mother-in-law's advice and teachings, try talking to her about it. Tell her gently that you are not ready to fulfill her requirements and tasks. Be sure to inform why: "My dear mother-in-law, I appreciate your advice, but I cannot do this because ...". The main thing in this method is summary causes.

In the event that your mother-in-law is a very persistent person, you can use the method for three reasons. Prepare your speech in advance, analyze and come up with 3 main reasons. Usually the mother-in-law takes your place and understands your refusal.

  • Straightforward rejection

A daughter-in-law who has a more aggressive mother-in-law must learn to defend her opinion. In the event that the second mother begins to creep into the life of the young, you should clearly set boundaries and make it clear that the mother-in-law's advice will not work on your territory.

Straightforward rejection can be gentle. For example, address like this: "Sorry, mom, I can not do as you ask", "Mother-in-law, I have no free time now to do ...".
Of course, the mother-in-law should quickly understand that you do not need her advice, you yourself can perfectly cope with chores around the house and solve all the problems of your family life.

In the event that the mother-in-law goes on a second offensive and again tries to teach the daughter-in-law, it is worth using a different technique. It's called The Broken Record Technique. You can repeat the above phrases for all requests and words of the mother-in-law.

You should listen to her opinion, and then, without asking questions, repeat and repeat “no”. This technique should be used when dealing with assertive and stubborn people.

  • Delayed failure

The essence of this method is to agree with the advice, analyze it, and then decide whether to use it. You do not need to come up with any reasons for not fulfilling requests, you should say bluntly that you need to think about the proposal.

For example, answer like this: “I need time to think. Let's discuss this proposal later ”,“ Before deciding, I must consult with my husband ”,“ I want to think about information that is new to me ”.
By explaining to the mother-in-law this way, the daughter-in-law wins additional time not only to think over the proposal, but also to help close people-advisers.

  • Compromise denial

Learn to answer your mother-in-law so that she understands you the first time. If you are not ready to fulfill her requirements and requests, try to find a compromise solution for you.

Example: a mother-in-law lives with your family on the same territory, asks you to give her a lift every day to work. In order not to be late, not to swear every morning, "go" to meet the second mother, say this: "I can give you a lift only if you are ready at 7.30 in the morning."

Another example: your mother-in-law does not live with you, but asks her son to visit her every day. Talk to her, say: “Mother-in-law, we would be happy to visit you every day, but we do not have such an opportunity. We can visit you on Saturday and Sunday. "

Learn to find compromises, without them in family life - nothing!

  • Hidden refusal or "do it but not that"

You can agree with your mother-in-law's advice, but you won't apply it. By using the hidden no technique, you can avoid conflict situation with her second mother, or her husband, who may agree with her.

Listen to her carefully, agree, but do it your way. Example: you and your husband drove into new apartment and decided that you would do the repair yourself. The mother-in-law invites you to make yellow walls in the kitchen. Go to meet her, agree, and then decide with your husband what color the wallpaper will be in the kitchen.

When she asks why they decided to do it the wrong way, you can simply say that you changed your mind.

  • Hidden refusal or "promise and do not"

Do not forget, if you do not want to destroy the good ones, agree with everything she says and advises you. You can always analyze the situation, sort out the problems and decide whether or not to follow the advice of the second mother.

You can answer like this: “Okay, I'll do it”, “Of course, I'll buy it”, “One of these days I will certainly do it”, “I'll go soon”, etc. It is important to say and agree, but it is not necessary to do it.

  • Refusal with irony

All mother-in-law's advice can be translated as a joke. For example, when asked to have a dog or cat in the house, answer that you will have 10 kittens at once. The mother-in-law may continue to persuade you, then inform that cute kittens will interfere with the squid that are already living in the bathroom. Thus, you can translate any request or advice into a joke.

Treat the rules and requirements of your mother-in-law with a smile on your face and happiness, then you will definitely never have a conflict!

  • Refusal through compassion

Any woman can be made to empathize. The “Appealing to compassion” technique is needed for those daughters-in-law who want to attract attention to themselves and show their mother-in-law that they have absolutely no free time to follow certain rules.

Treat your mother-in-law as a friend, tell her about your problems, share the things you solve every day, explain that you just physically won't have time to do what she asks for.

As a rule, the second mother will understand you and will no longer pester you with her requests.

  • Reception " Open door"Or the consent technique

When communicating with the mother-in-law, one should clearly distinguish between criticism and emotions. You can agree with the criticism, the facts, while saying that you agree and you are really doing something wrong.

Leave the emotional side behind. Keep your answer short and clear. You should not make excuses and explain to your mother-in-law why you are doing this way and not differently.

During a conversation, you should not be offended or indignant, you should not even translate criticism into a joke. Better to agree, and with every comment of the mother-in-law. The technique is called so because the mother-in-law wants to break open the door to you, and you open it yourself.

  • Containment policy or polite refusal

In order not to quarrel with your mother-in-law, you can follow the containment policy. You should not treat comments, advice, requests too harshly. Learn to react correctly to what is happening - do not be offended, thank, explain.

In some situations, you should say this: “I am grateful for your advice, I will take it into account, perhaps even use some. In any case, it is not only me, but my husband as well, ”or“ I cannot solve your problem on my own, my husband and I will try to deal with it in the near future, ”or“ I don’t know what to do in this situation. Thank you for your advice and recommendations, I will listen to them. "

At first, you can console yourself that pathological love for mom is rather his dignity. If he is strongly attached to her, then in the end he will also love you very much. But, over time, you realize that you are still in the background.

If there is another woman in your man's life and this is his mother, most likely, the place on the throne is not meant for you. And you only have a place in her retinue, and then ... if she accepts you. Otherwise, he will have to be torn between the two of you, and the power is more likely to be on her side.

The question is, why be jealous here? In fact, there are reasons - in the life of your man there is another woman who has real power over him. Not a banal mistress, with whom he will part at any moment, but dear motherwho will always be sure that her beloved son belongs to her alone.

If a man is already well over thirty, and he continues to live with his parents under the same roof, although he has the opportunity to move, there is every reason to believe that this suits him completely, and he is not going to change anything at all. Problem mama's sons - in their emotional immaturity. They can successfully pursue a career, but often hesitate to take the crucial step of starting a family. Why marry, take on additional responsibilitieswhen your beloved mummy is nearby, who makes cutlets much tastier than your beloved woman.

Most often, such men remain infantile, especially if they were raised by their mother and grandmother in childhood. Such males get used to the fact that someone makes decisions for them and literally blows off dust particles from them. And in mature age they continue to cling to their mother's skirt, instinctively needing protection.
Often mama's sons are haunted by fear of women. In every new acquaintance, they see a predator, the main objective which to bring him to the altar and take possession of the living space.

Determine what type his mom is, and use the rules how it is easier to neutralize her.

Fury

This is a strong woman dominating her own son with a bitchy character. Such a person may have her own idea of \u200b\u200ba potential daughter-in-law, therefore, if she dislikes you, she will try to destroy your relationship. Perhaps she thinks that you are not good enough for her beloved son. When you meet in person, his mother will not choose expressions, so you will not have the slightest desire to appear in front of her again.
Of course, you can try not to go into conflict, and in response to outright rudeness, smile sweetly and try to please her in everything. If this method does not give any results, it means that the mother considers you a weak-willed, unremarkable creature, and will continue to behave unceremoniously in the future. In this case, it is best to keep a cool distance. Let her know that you respect yourself and do not intend to tolerate her tricks. But with him, do not comment on her behavior, it is better to pretend to be a poor lamb who has been unjustly offended. If he's not completely lost to society yet, that will help you. Any criticism directed at her will hurt him in the heart.

Cook

This mother is haunted by the fear that her son will go hungry. Therefore, if you declare that you bought and cooked ready-made dumplings for dinner, you will sign your own death warrant. Already on next morning she will come running to your home with full pots of food, and will not leave until she is fully convinced that her son is nourishing and deliciously fed.

But it can be even worse - every time after work she will lure him to her home with delicious pies. Men are weak creatures, you risk the fact that all evenings and weekends he will still hang out at his mother's house. Therefore, for a start, invite her home and demonstrate the full refrigerator of food, cook something delicious yourself - let her see that next to you her beloved offspring is not threatened by starvation. Of course, you will not be able to completely convince her that next to you he is no worse than under her warm wing. But start mastering his favorite recipes, or at least pretend. Be sure to flatter her, something like: mine is still not as tasty as yours, etc. Or: Tell me the secrets of your dishes. This usually works.

Skirt Commander

She always complains about health problems, although she looks quite active and energetic. Her favorite topic is medicine. Even an elephant would die if he ate all the pills on her nightstand. Early sunday morningwhen the whole family is still blissfully asleep, there is phone call: she is very bad, she is dying.
The whole family jumps out of bed and goes to say goodbye to the one leaving for another world. However, on the doorstep you are greeted by a vigorous wiry old woman who is clearly not going to leave for the next world in the near future. All arriving commanders are immediately given tasks: to nail something, take out the trash, go to the store. She treats her son as her personal property, so in her eyes you are a brazen invader. You will have to get used to the fact that he will constantly plow for mom, although a light bulb in your hallway has long burned out, which there is no one to replace.

And God forbid her to tell you: you look good today. The old woman will consider this an insult, it is better to listen with a mournful and sympathetic air to the stories about all her imaginary and real illnesses.

Throw mom off the train:

Having a henpecked and an egoist next to you is not a pleasant pleasure. So as a last resort there is last option action, the most radical. Just put the question to your chosen one point-blank: Either she, or me. True, in this case, you run the risk of losing him forever. But you may never regret it.