How to get rid of a guy's shyness. How to Get Rid of Shyness: Twelve Steps. Several important nuances of achieving success
Each of us knows the statement - humility adorns a person. His relatives, friends and just acquaintances have told us hundreds of times. Sometimes it was intended for us personally, and sometimes for someone else who behaved tactlessly and arrogantly. But over the years, views change, and the question arises whether this statement is really true, maybe it is worth taking a different look at this quality. From childhood, we were taught not to brag or demonstrate our superiority to other people, but this is what makes it possible to assert ourselves and move forward. A child who listens to his parents is always calm and quiet, waiting for the approval of adults and trying not to upset them. Many will say that such a child is simply ideal and that you can take an example to follow from him. However, will all these qualities be useful to him later in life, and will the modesty acquired over the years be the cause of defeats and failures. Let's try to understand all the pros and cons of modesty, determine whether modesty is valued today and whether it is worth bringing up this quality in our children.
On the pros of modesty
Let's look at the positive side of humility. Of course, speaking of such a quality as modesty, we will talk about girls, because it is the fair sex that are especially distinguished by this quality, and it often plays a decisive role in character development. Modest, shy girl has been the benchmark of femininity for centuries. Modesty was considered an indicator of good manners, politeness and good manners... In special gymnasiums, girls from childhood studied the rules of etiquette and good taste and they were taught modesty.
Today, modesty is considered not so necessary quality, but it is not left without attention. Everyone knows that it is much more pleasant to communicate with modest people, such people will never be able to be rude or offend a colleague, acquaintance and even a passer-by. They are always ready to help and support, such people do not consider themselves better than others and try to maintain a certain distance when communicating. They are unlikely to ask you for anything, but they will be happy to fulfill your request, even if the lesson will not benefit them, but rather the opposite. A modest person rarely becomes the main character of intrigue and gossip, he is often not noticed at all, rumors are not spread about him, he is remembered when his help is needed again. If you do not want to attract a lot of attention to yourself, you have an altruistic nature and the interests of others are higher for you than your own, then modesty is exactly what you need. With its help, you will look polite and well-mannered, to win over those around you.
The cons of modesty
But there are people who believe that modesty is not a positive quality, they are confident that it is she who is the cause of failure. But really, what do we know about humble people? Almost nothing. None of the famous and famous personalities consider themselves modest or shy. Therefore, we can say that in order for success and well-being to come, modesty is not at all necessary. In addition, she is the cause of failure on the personal front. Men are attracted to modesty only at the first stage of a relationship, when modest woman looks mysterious and mysterious, but if over time the shyness does not disappear, the man will begin to lose interest in the woman and will start dating a more relaxed and remarkable lady. Modesty also gets in the way of a career. Moving up the career ladder is simply impossible when you are trying to do all the work for your colleagues and not seek a promotion or salary. A modest, shy person never strives for leadership and is content with what he has.
Getting rid of modesty
If as a result of comparison and evaluation of negative and positive sides, nevertheless, the advantages of modesty outweighed, start taking measures with which you can get rid of modesty, or at least slightly reduce its manifestations. Over this feeling, instilled in childhood, you will need to work hard in order to achieve a change not only in your behavior, but also in your attitude to this issue.
The first step towards self-confidence and determination is to explore yourself. To eliminate excessive modesty, first figure out what caused it. Often we are afraid of communication or new beginnings due to complexes and isolation. Often the complexes are the fruit of our imagination, we invented them ourselves, and then convinced other people that we are far from perfect and do not deserve attention and respect. You need to look at yourself in the mirror, highlight your main pluses and minuses, then focus on the pluses and think about how you can do away with the minuses. Sometimes it will be enough just to update your wardrobe or to do high-quality makeup. Learn to perceive yourself as you really are and stop being too demanding of yourself. There are no perfect people, everyone has flaws, so do not consider yourself worse than someone else, because this will make you feel doubtful and insecure.
The next step is to learn how to communicate with people without fear of misunderstanding or disapproval. The first rule that should help you gain confidence and win over the interlocutor is an ordinary smile. When meeting acquaintances and friends, do not be too serious and indecisive, so you will alienate people from you, and in again you will feel awkward and embarrassed. Become friendlier, start the conversation first. When talking, you should always carefully listen to the interlocutor, give him compliments and ask questions that interest you. Don't be afraid to sound funny if you did something or said something wrong.
If you are preparing to speak in front of an audience, you need to prepare your speech in advance and rehearse it in front of the mirror several times. Understand the essence of your speech, so as not to read from a piece of paper, but speak confidently, keeping with the audience eye contact, this is quite important.
Remember that real, moderate modesty is a true gift that, unfortunately, rare people possess. It is expressed in showing respect, and at the same time in awareness dignity... After all, only a wise and self-sufficient person is capable of seeing and respecting a person in any person, while being open and sociable. Modesty will help to communicate on equal terms and emphasize the dignity of the interlocutor, while dissatisfaction and envy disappear. If you are determined and ready for change and if you want to achieve something in life, you need to start doing it immediately. Imagine yourself the person you wish to become, and constantly comparing yourself to the ideal, gradually approach this goal, even if it is not quick, but confident steps.
I've always been shy and everyone thought I was quiet. Mom loves to remember how I'm in early childhood hiding behind her, finding himself in an unfamiliar company. I grew up, and my social phobia grew. I was sensitive, vulnerable, and these qualities are an ideal breeding ground for anxiety.
When they celebrated the bar mitzvah (the day on which a person, according to Jewish law, becomes an adult. - Ed.) Of the elder brother, my shyness became obvious to everyone. I was 9 years old. As tradition dictates, I had to go on stage and give a speech. She was warmly received by those present, but I was so tense that my nervous laughter gradually turned into crying. It was all too much for me. All I had to do was to bury my face in my sister’s shoulder to hide how nervous I was at having so many eyes fixed on me.
Everyone laughed, attributing the incident to my shyness and young age... But even as a young man, in my heart I remained the same frightened 9-year-old boy.
EVERYTHING SCARY AND SCARY
The time has come when the boys in the classroom have become interested in girls, and teasing has become the norm of communication. Then a wave of anxiety covered me headlong. Soft and humble by nature, I felt completely isolated, as if I were a child in the company of adults.
Fear whispered to me that others should evaluate me negatively: "he is quiet," "he is not witty," and (worst of all) "he is boring."
Among my classmates, I could not be myself: real, the way I was at home, and more and more I lost faith in myself.
I hated myself for everything: for the fact that I mumbled, answering in the lesson, that I could not make a joke when a girl I liked turned to me
At school, in order to calm down a little, I locked myself in a toilet stall. It was the only place where I felt safe, where I didn't have to pretend to be anything. This gave me short minutes of respite.
My endless blunders have completely worn me out. I hated myself for everything: for mumbling something unintelligible, answering in the lesson, for not being able to make a good joke when a girl I liked turned to me.
TOUCH THE SPIDER
In search of a way out, I tried both cognitive behavioral therapy and psychological counseling, but the matter has stalled. I was looking for a way to quickly and painlessly get rid of problems and reasoned like a person who wants to get rid of the fear of spiders, but even for that, he is not ready to touch a spider.
It took me a long time to realize that the psychologists were right: I needed to dare to face my fears. I began to realize that they literally paralyze me, control my life, determine any of my decisions. Fears were a chain that held me down.
I realized that two things bother me the most, and both of them are just a product of my imagination. This realization helped me to get rid of my "chain", to free myself from the suffocating grip of my fears.
Here are the discoveries I made for myself.
1.I'm NOT NECESSARILY TO BE GUILTY FOR NONNECT PAUSES
Any conversation is a two-way street. When I realized this, I was finally able to relax. Communication began to give me pleasure. If there was a pause in the conversation, I already understood that it was not necessarily me. This does not mean that the interlocutor judges me or considers me boring. I can not worry, not pretend and be myself.
2. Nobody cares about me
This discovery gave me a sense of liberation. I was too egocentric, believing that people only think about me, ponder my every word, what they care about, how I behave.
Am I myself endlessly busy pondering their every action? So why did I decide that their thoughts are focused on my person? Seeing my erroneous judgments, I was finally able to face my fears.
I WANT TO JUST LIVE
If earlier I avoided people, now I willingly communicate with them. Sometimes I still feel scared, but I remind myself that the main thing is to live, not survive.
I'm still quiet, but when I talk to someone, I no longer feel that my heart is about to jump out of my chest with excitement. I began to dream, much more than ever before. My anxiety bound me hand and foot like a straitjacket. Now I have become much freer and I see how many opportunities life opens up before me.
I used to live trying to be invisible, now I try to just live.
Modest people do not strive for leadership and are content with what they have. However, they fail to rectify the situation because of their temperament, and at the same time indecision and shyness arise. If you want out of modesty, then, most likely, your shyness, fear of others interferes with you.
First, study yourself. Observe yourself from the outside and identify the reasons for your fear of communication, in which situations you are isolated and with what people. Find many virtues in yourself and try to be noticed by others. All people have and you are no worse than others, so do not be afraid to talk to them, be yourself.
Shyness arises from self-doubt. You must either love yourself for who you are, or change. Sometimes a new dress or a new one adds self-confidence.
Smile when you meet people you know and meet new people. Often a shy person looks too serious and even arrogant because of the fear of talking in someone else's company, which further alienates him from people. Therefore, you should be friendly and ready to make contact with others. You can work on your facial expressions in front of the mirror and, at the same time, on the confident tone of your voice.
Communicate more often: find out any information from passers-by, resort to the help of consultants in the store, etc., i.e. try to contact as much as possible with strangers.
Prepare your speech before speaking in public, memorize the main points, and make a plan. Try to look your audience in the eye, don't read the text, and speak clearly. Practice at home several times.
In an unfamiliar company, carefully follow the course of the conversation and do not be afraid to insert into the right moment your remarks, express your opinion on the topic.
When dealing with a stranger one-on-one, ask about his hobbies. If they are original, mark it, compliment and praise him for his successes (if any) in any endeavor. Think ahead common topics to talk (for example, about a recently released movie or about upcoming holidays).
And finally, the most main advice How to Overcome Modesty (according to Dale Carnegie): You must really want to be humbled. Make this desire your goal, think about it all the time and imagine a picture in which you are a confident person and an interlocutor. Draw in your mind the result of all your efforts: if you get rid of modesty, then ... you will make friends, or get new position, or meet your destiny, etc.
According to psychologists, all people, without exception, suffer from shyness, the only difference is how much. All people, no doubt, are different, someone from the cradle is noisy, sociable, and someone is very shy. But there are situations in which even the most liberated individual will fall into a stupor, embarrassed.
An imprint on a person's character is imposed by the environment in which he grows up, life trials, upbringing. The temperament remains, frank choleric people can overpower themselves, speaking in public, but they will still experience a feeling of discomfort. If you are by nature a modest, shy person, you should not choose a profession related to oration, speaking, etc., otherwise you will have to break yourself every day, and this is not very pleasant.
Modesty and shyness, what is this feeling, are humble people extremely insecure? No, having chosen your path correctly, you can remain a very worthy, confident person, being in your life niche, in which a liberated person will feel an extreme degree of insecurity. Modesty is a virtue to be worn with your head held high, and is sorely lacking in society.
Being shy and shy
Shyness manifests itself in completely different ways in different people, it may just be mild discomfort, fear, or even deep neurosis. Someone is always shy, someone in certain situations(situational shyness). The data of one of the polls showed that only 7% of the respondents answered that they had never, under any circumstances, felt a sense of embarrassment, most likely they were dissembling.
The main thing to understand is that if you are shy, this does not mean at all that you are not like everyone else or that something is wrong with you. Shyness is by no means a stigma, an obstacle to happy life... This is part of your inner peace, part of you. The negative coloring of the phrase "I am very shy" can be brightened up with the phrase "I am embarrassed when there are many strangers", By turning the train of thought, you can achieve a lot in the fight against labels. Physical symptoms shyness: sweating, sudden redness or pallor skin, tremor of the limbs - little pleasant.
Differences between defining modesty and shyness
Modesty and shyness, what's the difference? The opinion that these are the same concepts is fundamentally mistaken. So are modesty and shyness synonymous? In the understanding of most people, it should be understood that modest can be both liberated and shy, while shy can be both vain and modest. These two concepts "modesty" - "shyness" are not related! Their main difference is:
- A humble person simply has no desire to show his kindness.
- The shy one is afraid to show it.
Shyness is more likely a manifestation of selfishness, a person is afraid to do something that will make him feel bad. This is good, but within reasonable limits.
Modesty, on the other hand, is a reluctance to expose oneself, it is also partly useful. The country should know its heroes, it is not always appropriate to be silent. But you shouldn't talk only about yourself, everything should be in moderation.
At the moment, shyness is more common than modesty, that's what many people lack. Fear of public speaking (glassophobia), crowds of people is one of the most common phobias, and the number of people suffering from it continues to grow.
- Fun fact: shyness is inherited.
- Shyness is caused by a lack of endorphins.
- Women are more prone to shyness.
- Online communication has become the starting point in the wave of shyness.
- The sex appeal of shy people is greater than that of liberated people.
- Shy men are often the best lovers.
- Oxytocin can be called a cure for shyness.
Ways to Get Rid of Modesty and Shyness
How to get rid of modesty and shyness is a fairly popular question, many modest people would like to become more liberated. And it is possible!
A few steps towards liberation:
- It's important to stop avoiding people! It is so simple and at the same time so difficult. But you definitely need to fight with yourself. If you constantly avoid people, you will never be able to overcome natural shyness.
- Change the course of your thoughts! You can't always think that nothing will work out, they will laugh at me, I will look stupid. Refute your own thoughts, do what you previously did not even allow in your thoughts, and you will see that nothing terrible and terrible will happen.
- Behavior patterns should be changed! Get out of your comfort zone, praise yourself for every step, every word that is not made according to the usual pattern.
- Remember that the people around you do not have a goal of offending and ridiculing you, these are only your fears and speculations.
- Observe liberated people, try to take for yourself as many advantages of their behavior as possible. And internally find the differences that will speak in your favor. For example: he is so relaxed, but his nose is crooked, and mine is perfectly straight! I am better at this and can speak as well as he.
it general advice, which a person should definitely use if it seems to him that the time has come to change something. Men and women, due to their dissimilarity, think differently. That's why:
How to get rid of a girl's modesty and shyness?
Love your reflection in the mirror! Love yourself, praise yourself, start taking care of yourself!
How to get rid of a guy's modesty and shyness?
Highly efficient method to cross the line of shyness, it is every day, despite your mood, to speak with unknown girl... You will see that with each new dialogue it will become easier for you.
Some people are initially given to be in the spotlight and not feel any embarrassment. Others struggle to find ways to stop being humble and uncomfortable in most situations. The main reason lies in many factors, including:
- Upbringing;
- Complexity;
- Lack of confidence in yourself and your own strengths;
- Chronic isolation;
- Fear of attention.
Overcome fear
In almost all cases, fear is the root cause of all trouble. It is he who does not allow a person to open up, prove himself and show what he is capable of. Moreover, over the years, fear can take root deeper and deeper, causing many unpleasant consequences. That is why, if you want to stop being overly humble, it is worth getting rid of what scares you.
Most psychologists are convinced that in cases where fear causes modesty and withdrawal, it is completely unfounded. This means that this fear - wrong reaction person to the situation and environment. For example, fear is relevant when there is a threat, while in its absence, fear is most often classified as "contrived." Nevertheless, it quite realistically contributes to the fact that a person continues to withdraw into himself, believing that he is too modest.
The easiest way to get rid of fear is to do what scares you. If you are afraid of the audience, then try to speak in front of an audience, however difficult it may be. Moreover, most often the fear manifests itself before the action, as fear of the unknown. If you can't seem to take such a step, then try contacting a group of complete strangers on the street. Any trifle can be the reason:
- Ask for the time;
- Clarify how to get or drive to a certain place;
- Find out where the nearest cafe is and if the cuisine is good there.
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The second piece of advice from psychologists for those who are looking for how to stop being modest and shy is to form correct attitude and understanding. This is very important, since many people are used to believing that it is arrogance that will get rid of modesty and this is the main decision in similar situations... It must be remembered that arrogance is just back side excessive modesty, but not a goal to strive for. Instead, it's better to look for a middle ground.
It follows from this that when taking steps to get rid of modesty and shyness, one should not forget about the sense of tact, respect for others, older people, as well as banal politeness and good breeding.
# 3 - Self-confidence
Why are most people shy about Everyday life? The answer is quite simple - because of the feeling of self-doubt. This applies to any situation, from sports, a club or meeting a new company, to quite ordinary situations where you need to distinguish yourself from the crowd. Even at work, humility is rarely positive quality, since it often interferes with achieving the intended results, besides, it can put a rather strong barrier between you and the team. As a result, there will be nothing left but to change the place of work, where everything will repeat itself.
It is also important to understand that confidence cannot appear in a couple of minutes, a day, or even a week, but you can start working on yourself. It is enough to win back one step at a time from your modesty, as very soon you will be able to notice that you have become much more confident in yourself. Finding the root causes that cause embarrassment will also help.
Ask yourself the question "Why?"
Another pretty universal way and advice that still works in most situations. If you feel embarrassed and cannot do anything about it, then try asking yourself the question "Why is this happening?" At the same time, you should not try to deceive yourself by presenting any answers that come to mind as reality. Try to really understand the situation and understand what prevents you from expressing yourself.
It makes sense that once you find the cause of the problem, you can easily deal with it. Therefore, instead of running away from yourself, exacerbating the feeling of fear, constraint and immense embarrassment, ask yourself why you are doing this.
There may not be a second chance
As cruel as it sounds, life often gives only one chance that you need to take advantage of. That is why, having missed the opportunity, the feeling of regret can stay with you forever, contributing to the development of suspiciousness and the rooting of your fears and complexes. Therefore, you need to understand that by depriving yourself of the opportunity to do something, perhaps you will no longer have a second attempt for this.
V similar way a rather deep and complex psychology is laid down, which makes a person face a choice, and also correctly prioritize. Also, this method allows you to look completely differently at a situation that previously caused embarrassment and panic.