How to forget a male colleague. If you are after three years of living with a man. The psychologist Sokolova Anna Viktorovna answers the question

In fact, this situation is one of the most difficult. If in other cases you can not see or hear a loved one, try to forget about him, then at work you constantly have to cross paths, talk, and solve some problems. In order to understand how to stop loving a work colleague, you need to learn certain rules that you must always strictly follow.

Only business communication

The first of them - no intimate conversations and manifestations of attention. When communicating at work with a person for whom you have feelings, always control yourself. To stop loving, you need to learn to behave with him, as with an ordinary employee. Therefore, in communication, do not allow yourself two-valued smiles, even hints of flirting. In general, you can behave detached and even cold. Of course, this is not particularly pleasant for the interlocutor, but in your case, you must give up all the emotions that will feed your feelings. In addition, if you know that your employee also has certain emotions for you, with your sweet smiles and ambiguous jokes, you will give him hope, which should not be allowed. Therefore, control yourself and never allow anything superfluous. Your communication should be purely business.

Don't look for meetings

Secondly, try to see your beloved colleague as little as possible. Of course, at work, this is not so easy to do. But still try to use every opportunity not to contact him. Naturally, all lovers want to at least look at the object of their feelings. This is one of the very first and most important mistakes. In this way, you give yourself subconscious hope. No need to look for a way to see your colleague. On the contrary, if you work in different departments, try not to enter his territory.

At work - work

Thirdly, remember that you came to work in order to work. Do not allow yourself to dream, think and experience. Try to take over more responsibilities so that your head is occupied with pressing issues, and not sighs. Try to fully concentrate on your work. Don't let yourself rest too much. Of course, it overworks, but it drives everything out of your head much faster. unnecessary thoughts. If you notice that you are distracted from work, immediately stop yourself, concentrate, in no case give up slack. Naturally, this is not at all easy, but over time it will become easier and easier for you to control yourself.

If your employees, including a colleague, like to go to the same place for lunch, you should stop such trips. Casual communication is relaxing and in such an environment you will again and again return to your love fantasies, looking at a colleague. Therefore, choose for yourself another place to relax, which will not remind you of your love in any way.

And the last thing worth remembering is that you should not try to forcefully switch your attention to another colleague. In this case, there is a danger that the object of sympathy will change, but the feeling itself will continue to bring you pain. Of course, they say that a wedge is kicked out with a wedge, but this only works if feelings arise by themselves and they are mutual. So instead of looking new love, just learn to control yourself and concentrate on work. And after work, spend more time with friends and family, do things you love. So you will forget about your love much faster and soon you will be able to communicate with the object of feelings again, as with an ordinary employee.

Falling out of love with a person is not easy, especially if this is the one you see every day - your colleague.

Steps

1. 1 Accept the fact that you like the person. By denying it, it will be more difficult for you to deal with your feelings, since you should start to address the problem from its source.
2. 2 Find a reason why you need to stop having such feelings for a colleague.
   • For example: he is not interested in you, he is married, relationships between employees are prohibited in your company, this is not your type, but you still like him, etc.
3. 3 Don't be so focused on it and don't stress yourself out. Try not to think about this person when he is not around. Find a hobby for yourself, go out with friends, family, take classes - do something so that you don't think about it all the time.
4. 4 Be yourself. Don't try to act differently because you're in love with your colleague. When you see each other at work or need to talk to each other, don't think about anything personal between you. Consider him nothing more and nothing less than a colleague. Install eye contact Don't be rude or show any personal emotion. Treat this person the same way you treat all your colleagues.
5. 5 Be patient. At first, you will be embarrassed, as you will have to adapt to new situation But over time, feelings fade.
6. 6 Be positive about everything. Negativity will not help you solve problems either at work or in your personal life.
7. 7 Don't act like you used to. This means don't try to install more intimate communication with this person and invade his personal space. You don't run after him anymore. Don't avoid him, but keep your distance if possible.

• Appreciate yourself for who you are, what you stand for, what your values ​​​​and views are.
• Understand that your position is natural. Over time, everything will work out, and you will find your man. You can tell yourself that after the experience you will be wiser and more experienced.
• Don't take everything to heart. At some point in life, this happens to everyone. Keep on living, because the sea is still full of fish.
• Smile, even if it's awkward. Smile like nothing happened and you never liked that person.

Warnings

• Do not talk about it with the rest (especially colleagues) - it is not necessary that passions escalate even more.
• Do not despair and do not twist novels with just anyone - you will regret it.
• Don't try to be his friend, even if you know he doesn't want to build with you. romantic relationship. Keep your distance, at least for now, otherwise you'll create an awkward situation and the person might think you're too intrusive.

Love is a feeling that does not always bring only joy and happiness. People are different, it is difficult for someone to fall in love, and someone falls in love quite often. And sometimes it happens that you fall in love with the wrong people, and this only brings pain and suffering. In such situations, the question of how to stop loving begins to torment the soul? More often the question arises, how to stop loving a colleague?

Similar situation rather complicated, because in other cases you can simply avoid communicating with a person, but this will not work with an employee. At work, I constantly have to deal with him, to discuss some issues at work. In order for the reverse process to be the least painful, certain rules should be learned.

First of all, you need to limit communication with your lover - only business relationship. None intimate conversations and signs of attention. To fall out of love, you should not allow any hints of flirting, smiles, in a word, you need to behave with your lover as with an ordinary employee. In addition, if this person feels mutual sympathy for you, your ambiguous smiles can serve as hope for the development of relations in the future, which should not be allowed.

Do not look for unnecessary meetings. Of course, if a person is cute, you want to know as much as possible about him and spend more time together, but in such a case it is unacceptable. If you work in different departments, try not to enter his territory at all.

The most important thing in this situation is to remember that at work, first of all, you need to work, and not arrange your own personal life. It’s good to be distracted by plunging headlong into work. Take on more responsibilities, do not be distracted and dream. Such a rhythm can easily lead to overwork, but it will quickly help to throw out unnecessary and interfering thoughts. Of course, this is not easy, you may be distracted at first, but over time you will still learn to control yourself.

Last and most important, in no case should you forcefully switch your attention to another man from your team. In this case, it is possible that the beloved will change, but the problems will remain the same. Do not immediately look for a new love, just try to concentrate on work. It is better to spend more time in the company of friends and family, and look for love in a place independent of your work.

Good evening! How to deal with the feelings that torment me for a man? Never thought I'd meet real prince. I'm not a few years old, I've been single for a long time, I have experience. With the arrival in new company met him. Worse than that, the man is my boss, free and lonely. It seemed to me that there is sympathy, I allowed myself an unhealthy hobby. There is no hope for reciprocity, the man voiced his thoughts about a lady divorced with children. Like in Jane Eyre- "Men of his stature don't marry poor governesses." I can’t quit, I see it every day - it hurts mentally. Closed on a person, dreams are tormenting, headaches, painful communication at work, glances, omissions, smiles out of place, winks on his part. Why did I even meet him on the way? When he is on business trips, it is much easier to work and live. And all this takes a long time.

Psychologist Elena Belogurova answers

Good evening Elena. You ask how to deal with feelings. To begin with, I would like to understand what kind of feelings? What kind of feelings do you want to deal with? I mean that now you have a lot of feelings for this man (in addition to "falling in love") resentment, shame, anger, helplessness. You may have these feelings due to the fact that this man does not reciprocate and therefore you are hurt and offended. It's a shame, because you probably somehow (from the letter is not entirely clear) made it clear to him that you like him. Anger from the fact that there is a prince, but he is not yours and does not choose you. Helplessness is that you seem to be unable to do anything about it. I just gave you examples so that you listen to yourself and try to understand how you still feel. This is very important, because you can suppress and “swallow” many feelings and emotions, or simply do not have time to track them. And all these feelings remain inside you (if you do not show them outside). What to do?

I will briefly explain to you how we perceive our work (I mean organization, firm, company…). We build relationships with the company (in which we work) and treat it as we have relationships with our mother. This is how you perceive your mother, how you feel about her, what feelings you have for her, all this you bring to your work (company, organization). But we perceive leadership as a father. Those. you see in your boss not only a man (gender does not matter for perception, but it also coincided with you), but you also see your dad in him. We most often see people through projection. It turns out that we do not see the person himself, but perceive him as a person “similar” to significant people in our life (these can be parents, those who replace them or people who have strong authority for us). And it just so happened that the man you like is also your boss. It turns out that you have a “layering” of feelings for this man + the feelings that you have for your dad. From this "layering" you have a hard time. It is necessary to understand all these feelings and separate them from each other. I would like to know what kind of relationship you (have or had) with your dad (if you knew him and know him, it's just that situations in the family are different). Also, what is your relationship with your mother? You just write that you are no longer young, you have experience (I also wanted to know what kind?), But you are alone. I ask this because everything in our life is interconnected and everything matters. Much (almost all) we take from the family in which we grew up. And what kind of relationship we had with our parents (by the way, what kind of relationship were there between your parents), what feelings and experiences associated with them, everything matters in our adult life. Of course, it would be good if you use the help of a psychologist. It is difficult enough to sort out your own feelings and experiences. A psychologist can track a lot of things that you yourself do not know, do not notice, being in your processes. It will also help to detect feelings and separate them. And more importantly, the psychologist will support you and will be with you in your experiences and experiences.

Try to listen to yourself and understand what feelings (approximately I wrote to you above) you have for this man. Then also listen to yourself and try to understand what feelings you have associated with dad. Compare all these feelings. It may be that you see something from your mother in your boss (in this man). This is a difficult process, but you can try. And then it will be easier to understand what is happening to you. After all, if your parents rejected you and now this is happening with a man, then you feel very severe pain. If your parents accepted you, then it's easier. There may be one more not very nice moment. Perhaps you yourself reject everyone.

Write to me how you felt when you read my answer. Share with me your family history. If possible, come to me for a consultation or we can chat via Skype.

My website www.belogurova.ru

Sincerely, Belogurova Elena Viktorovna.

Question to a psychologist

Hello! I am 33 years old, I have been married for 2 years, I have one year old baby. It so happened that she came out of the decree early, she wanted to keep her job, and maybe even because there were problems with her husband. He constantly points me to my physical handicaps, says that a bad housewife and mother. I had already forgotten about sex with him! All this was very painful to listen to. Every time, before going to bed, in order to distract from my suffering, I thought about my colleague, with whom I sit in the same office. I just wanted to forget my husband’s insults, and I liked my colleague visually and was always in sight. This guy is 7 years younger than me and, of course, I could not even think that my fantasies would come true. But, unfortunately, at a recent corporate party, we became close and became lovers. Now there is between us love affair from which I just lose my head. I fell in love with this "young"! I understand that I should not do this, because we both have families and children, and his wife is already carrying a second child, besides this is ridiculous - I adult woman and introduce myself like a girl. Once I said that I want to break off relations, but he replied that he did not want this and he needed me. Of course, it’s hard to believe, but I, naive, believe and even terribly jealous of him, constantly waiting for attention, although I understand that he doesn’t owe me anything, because I’m just a lover, and these relationships do not oblige to anything! At the same time, my "young lover" does not hesitate to talk about how beautiful his wife is and that I give in to her. I know that it is necessary to stop loving, to stop this connection, but how to do it when you see him all day long? Please help me understand myself.

Psychologists Answers

Hello, Svetlana. The fastest thing is the feeling self-importance you are not at a high level. Therefore, both men can manipulate you. The fact that you solve your sexual issue with your lover is probably good for you. But you need to set boundaries and not give vent to feelings. You go to unnecessary suffering , emotional pain, repentance, an acute sense of sinfulness. Change your attitude to the situation. Let it be good for you, but stop there. , of which there are so many problems.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist Volgograd

Hello Svetlana!

Apparently you are in difficult situation. Being in a love triangle is always devastating to mental health, no matter which side of this triangle you are. And here it is not a triangle, but a polygon, given the number of persons involved in these relations. It is possible to get out of such a relationship, but it will not be easy emotionally. Undoubtedly, the situation is complicated by the fact that you work together. It is very difficult to break off a relationship, being in daily close contact with a person, given that in them you get for yourself what you cannot get from your husband.

If your decision to end the relationship is firm, then it is better to find another job in order to exclude any contact with your lover. As the saying goes, "Out of sight...". But this break will not solve the problems in the relationship with your husband. When love triangle will fall apart, and the pain of loss will subside, the relationship with the spouse will again come to the fore, and they still have to be sorted out. Or again seek solace and support on the side.

If you want to understand yourself and why you are in this situation, it is better to come to a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist. I will be glad to work with you.

Sincerely, family psychologist Lyubov Shamshina, Volgograd.