How to beat your neighbor's snoring and other train survival secrets. stories

1 Select composition

If you do not want to get on a dysfunctional train with drunken conductors who strive to throw another bag of potatoes on the third shelf, pay attention to the type of train when buying a ticket. A branded train is easy to distinguish by pleasant smell and availability own name: "Megapolis", "Zhiguli", etc. There are air conditioners, dry closets and guides on board who carry out the mysterious “covering” of linen. But even that often doesn't justify high price ticket. Fast trains, contrary to popular belief, do not differ from passenger trains in increased comfort, they just make fewer stops along the way and maintain a cruising speed of about 50 km / h, which turns into terrible shaking at the exit. There are also semi-mystical high-speed trains running at a shameful speed of 160–180 km/h, but in Russia such pleasure is available only to travel lovers from St. Nizhny Novgorod to Moscow and back thanks to the Sapsan train.

Few people know that buying a ticket for a branded train does not always involve an overpayment. Since we take care of your health on the road (see below), buying the coveted ticket, you can opt out of additional insurance. You can do this right at the box office - in the same place where you refuse the obviously useless included food. These two options reduce the price of a branded ticket. Unfortunately, the degree of comfort of the train cannot be recognized by some letters in the name or secret handshakes that you exchange with the cashier. Nevertheless, codes (train numbers) carry some information. So, trains with numbers from 1 to 149 are fast, and 150-869 are passenger. That is, the same fast. There are also special tourist-excursion (870–899) and suburban (6001–6999) trains. We advise you to be wary if they try to sell you a ticket for a train with a number from 951 to 968. These are “economical” passenger-and-freight trains formed from freight, mail and passenger cars. The level of comfort in such a train is impossible to predict.

2 Deal with neighbor's snoring

Clicking your tongue does not help, and you do not dare to remove the soft palate tissue with a corkscrew? To begin with, try to slightly move the pillow of the sleeping person and hurry to fall asleep, because the silence will be short-lived. Another way: say that pickpockets are operating nearby, and advise your neighbor to hide valuables under the mattress. Excitement and the inability to lie flat on his back will prevent him from breaking out into snores. Finally, no one canceled earplugs. If there are no ready-made ones, they can be rolled out of bread.

3 Evil fun on the road

Every store has empty carton boxes- let's say from under sunflower oil or kittens. Take 4-6 boxes on the road in advance and, in order not to attract the attention of conductors, fold them into even cardboard sheets. Come to the compartment before the rest of the passengers, collect the boxes and stuff all the luggage places with them. In no case do not admit that the boxes are yours, and generally wonder how they ended up here. It will be amusing to watch how the neighbors in impotent rage will kick the boxes and cry out to the guides. If the first prank allows you to simply create turmoil and set a cheerful tone for the whole trip, then the second gives a chance to get revenge. bad neighbor by compartment. You probably bought a couple of cheese sandwiches at the station kiosk. If not - urgently run and buy while the station is suitable. While the most hated fellow traveler is sleeping, put a thin slice of cheese in each of his three shoes (preferably under the insole). In the car, he will walk in slippers, but when you get off together on the platform of the terminal station, a mysterious smell will make itself felt. But you will already be far away - laughing in a taxi.

4 Open a closed window

Cars with sealed windows must have air conditioning. If it does not work, this is a reason to complain to the head of the team and get free translation to another car (and sometimes a free upgrade - for example, from a reserved seat to a compartment). However, conductors sometimes prefer to jam even a leaky window so that passengers do not ask to constantly close it, then open it. If there is just such a window in your car, you can try to open it with the help of pliers (don't you know that it's better not to travel around Russia without them?) or a bribe offered to the conductor. In case the head of the train does not respond to a knock, and the conductor at twelve o’clock turned into a vampire and battened down tightly all the doors and passages between the cars, keep in mind: the windows in the third and seventh compartments of any Russian car are equal to an emergency exit and open in the simplest way "Pull out the cord, squeeze out the glass."

5 Bargain the bottom shelf

You don’t look like an old man yet, you forgot your child in the bistro, but you don’t feel like sleeping on the top shelf? Polite words are unlikely to get off here. However, you can treat your fellow traveler with a pre-stored dinner and expensive whiskey. Surely the loser will have only tomatoes with him, so subconsciously he will feel like you owe him. Without waiting for the touching “What can I do for you, my lord?” (you won’t wait anyway), ask your neighbor to lie on your top shelf, because your legs have been hurting for no reason since yesterday. There is a more economical way to take a valuable shelf, but it will require minimal acting talent from you. Buy some cigarettes first. And then before everyone refuels bed sheets, go to the smoking room as often as possible, deliberately trampling everyone. The neighbors will understand that if you sleep on the top bunk, it is unlikely that their sleep will be peaceful. Therefore, it is highly likely that your neighbors will respond to your request to switch places (“I often smoke”).

6 Don't leave health on the train

In the coming hours or even days, you will have to lead a sedentary lifestyle, and even trained for years office work the body may not be able to handle it. As a rule, on the train you sleep or read (that is, lie down), and also solve crossword puzzles, play games or admire passing pastoral landscapes (that is, you lie anyway). And at the same time, so that you know, the work of the muscle pump almost stops, which, while walking, performs the main function of pumping blood to the heart. As a result, up to a liter of blood stagnates in the legs. In the worst cases, from a sedentary lifestyle in circulatory system thrombi are formed. As a fan of "Dr. House", you probably know what nasty consequences can lead to a blood clot that clogs an artery. To restore blood flow, it is necessary to periodically leave the compartment. But, since you could only overcome your laziness once, and even then in a fictional world, it’s better to stock up on aspirin for the duration of the trip. One tablet can thin the blood and reduce the risk of blood clots. But alcohol, on the contrary, will increase this risk. Also beware of dermatophagoid mites that live in dust. Even if the car is clean and tidy, there is dust inside the pillows and on the blankets, because only bed linen is regularly washed. Creatures love to feast on the scales of our skin, the microparticles of which we lose during sleep. You can't see them sober, but you can feel them. They can cause allergies (redness of the skin, inflammation) and runny nose, and in asthmatics - exacerbation of the disease and attacks. Therefore, in addition to aspirin, be sure to take with you a powerful anti-allergen like Erius.

7 Don't go downhill

It is better to buy seats in the car, which is located in the middle of the train. Since the front and rear cars are derailed and overturned in frontal and other collisions, you will have a chance to survive. As for seats, it is better to choose shelves against the train. In case of emergency braking, you will only be pressed against the wall, while the passengers opposite fall on the floor like apples. By the way, according to statistics, most injuries during crashes are due to injuries from knives, forks and fragments of glasses left on the table. So clean up your dishes.

What to take from the conductor

FOR FREE. The heads of trains, who wished to remain anonymous, interviewed by us at the Kazansky railway station, admitted that the conductor is obliged to give passengers checkers, chess, dominoes, dishes, a needle and thread and a first-aid kit, as well as provide a socket for charging the phone. If he doesn't, you can safely complain about him. It won't change anything, but at least you'll show your squabbling.

FOR MONEY. Absolutely legally, although at an additional cost, the conductor must also provide you with a hygiene kit, food from the buffet and a second set of linen. However, you cannot get an extra pillow or blanket in this way.

FOR A BRIBE. Under pressure, the respondents admitted that they regularly allow passengers to stay in the dining car after 10 p.m. “for a fee”.

The neighbor in the compartment - an elderly intelligent woman - Nina Andreevna, told. We chatted with her for most of the day that we spent on the road, and in the end she shared with me the story of her youth. Further from the first person.

Victor proposed to me when I was studying last month in a technical school and still lived in a rented apartment. He was the most handsome guy of everyone I've ever seen. There was a seriousness in him beyond his years, although he was younger than me. Caring, which I never noticed in other guys: he was always worried - if I was tired, if I was cold, if I was hungry. And, most importantly, I felt that he truly loves me, and I was crazy about him.

And so, on the eve of our trip to the registry office, I dream of my late twin brother Nikita (died at 10). As if we were children with him: we run, we play, we laugh. Nikita hands me a cross on the palm of her hand, so transparent - as if made of glass, but not cast, but as if molded from glass tubes and without a crucifix. However, I did not have time to see him well - my brother put his hand to my chest, and the cross seemed to dissolve in me. But Nikitka laughed, and how he hit me in the forehead! And then the second!

I screamed out of surprise and resentment and woke up.

The next day, Viktor and I filed an application with the registry office and agreed that he would come to me in the evening after work to celebrate this event. But romantic evening Did not work out. Victor came drunk and brought a bottle of vodka with him (as it turned out later, he did not recognize other alcohol). He drank this bottle alone, got up from the table ... and collapsed to the floor.

He was lying in front of me, his head thrown back, his arms outstretched to the sides and oddly stretching his socks. And the light of the lanterns from the street illuminated it so much that it seemed to me inanimate and as if glassy. "Here it is, your cross!" flashed through my head.

Oh, I would, fool, run away from him then, but I tell you, I loved without memory, and apparently you can’t run away from fate.

We lived together for two years. Victor drank godlessly. I could not look at the bottle without trembling, in any company, at any feast, I drank non-stop until I fell dead under the table. In general, I got drunk instantly, although I always sobered up surprisingly quickly.

I could not understand why a twenty-year-old guy has such a terrible craving for alcohol? Victor once admitted that his father began to bring him glasses when Vitya had just gone to school. His dad was very amused by the antics of a drunken child.

Victor's breakouts in drinking binges were very rare and not for long. He lasted the longest when he courted me. I thought he didn't drink at all...

On that day, Victor was brought home by his drinking companions, leaned against the wall in the corridor and quickly disappeared. In general, everything is as usual. I closed the door behind them and went into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

After about 10 minutes, turning around from the stove, I came face to face with Viktor, who raised his hand with a hammer over me ...

I woke up in a hospital room.

Doctors told me that this was unlikely, but I am sure that Victor at some point managed to cope with the growing madness. Because no one but him could call an ambulance and open the door, which I had locked. It's good that at least he managed to do it.

Sales representative of a company that sells Construction Materials, Skvortsov Andrei Evgenievich since childhood did not like to ride trains, but fate decreed that from an early age he was forced to constantly move because of his military father from place to place. Now, when he exchanged his fifth decade, he had to go on business trips several times a month. Now Skvortsov was heading to the capital, which was seven hundred kilometers from the city where he lived and worked. His company did not want to spend money on air travel and NE, and therefore Skvortsov was content with compartment cars.

Car number eleven, compartment six, seat twenty-one. Bottom left, just like he liked. Being a conservative person and prone to observing the rules and order, Skvortsov, as soon as the boarding was announced, immediately went to take his place. Partly this haste was due to the desire to be the first to take the luggage compartment under the seat, and partly because, having taken a seat, he used to watch in open door a compartment of other passengers who squeezed with their suitcases and bags along the narrow corridor of the carriage. No, no, yes, some pretty lady slipped through, and, if you were lucky, she would ask some question, such as: “Is this the seventh coupe?”. Skvortsov did not particularly favor people, but such short dialogues, accompanied by his gallant smiles, gave him almost childish joy.

No, Skvortsov was not a strange type with his skeletons in the closet. He really was a quiet and modest person, and therefore this time he also just sat and looked out the doorway, looking at the passengers. To his slight disappointment, this time he did not see a single pretty or even outwardly interesting female person, so that he could figure out in his mind how this very person would look without clothes. The weather favored Skvortsov's playful thoughts: the July sun mercilessly roasted, and Skvortsov himself sat in a thin shirt with short sleeve and linen trousers, tight-fitting thick thighs. What can we say about all those young ladies on the street in the same T-shirts on their naked bodies?

Twenty minutes passed. The main part of the passengers sat down in their compartments, there was no one to look at, and Skvortsov turned to the window. Mourners and other passengers scurried along the platform, waiting for the train to approach the neighboring track. From time to time, a curious face appeared under Skvortsov's window, apparently in search of a departing relative. Skvortsov was so immersed in his thoughts and contemplation of the human anthill that he did not notice how someone entered the compartment.

Hello! Is it the sixth? he heard.

From surprise, he even shuddered, but slightly, so as not to lose the face of a serious passenger.

Yes, the sixth. Hello.

Skvortsov sucked in his stomach. Right in front of him stood a stunning thirty-year-old brunette in blue breeches and a snow-white tank top. Behind her back, the girl held a small suitcase on wheels by the handle. “What luck,” thought Skvortsov, and trying to look into the girl’s eyes, he smiled, but could not resist briefly examining her from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.

The girl looked around the compartment, trying on something, and finally said:

I have twenty two. I'll be on top of you. Do not you mind? - and giggled.

Skvortsov also giggled and decided to joke in return:

I never mind if a girl wants to be on top.

Then maybe you won't mind if I put my bag underneath too? - continued light attack brunette.

Skvortsov immediately became serious.

Will. I'm sorry, but it's already taken. There is my bag.

Realizing in time that it was not good to be rude in front of such a pretty neighbor, with whom he would have to spend the next fifteen hours in close proximity, he suggested:

I can take your bag upstairs where the mattresses are now. From there, no one will steal it for sure.

Be kind. - and the neighbor Skvortsova smiled her most gorgeous smile.

Pulling in more bigger belly, Skvortsov got up, puffed out his chest unnaturally, straightened his shoulders, grabbed the girl’s bag and with a simulated “Wow!” lifted her up.

Thanks a lot.

Skvortsov was given another stunning smile, and deep down he melted even more.

Will I sit here for a while? - the girl asked, however, having already sat down on one half of the seat, which, according to the ticket, belonged to Skvortsov.

Of course of course. Have a seat. It's still five hours before nightfall - you can't lie all the way upstairs.

Having said this, Skvortsov himself sat down, took the newspaper prepared in advance and began to pretend that he was reading, while he himself surreptitiously looked at the girl. Blue tight breeches, a white T-shirt barely reached the navel, revealing the piercing. Thick hair wavy curls fell on their shoulders. Flawless manicure and bottomless Blue eyes. Skvortsov dreamed of such a girl all his conscious sexually mature life, but by forty-two he did not acquire any at all. Now he had no choice but to steal a glance at his companion and swallow the saliva that flowed despite the wild heat.

In the remaining ten minutes before the train's departure, an elderly couple entered the compartment. Both greeted each other quietly, sat down on their side, and immediately began to eat. The train started, and Skvortsov kept reading the newspaper on the same page, continuing to study his neighbor in the compartment.

“Young, foldable, beautiful, no ring. You never know?" Skvortsov thought to himself. Various thoughts swirled in his head. Every ten minutes he mentally tried to continue to develop an acquaintance, but natural modesty and indecision in front of female representatives took over, and he could not squeeze out a word. Instead, Skvortsov moved to the window, leaned back against the wall so that he turned half-side to the girl, and such a strategic position allowed him to observe the object with great comfort.

As soon as the train started, the girl took out a small bag from her shoulder bag. mobile phone and began to scribble someone sms. “Probably, he is writing to his mother,” Skvortsov suggested to himself, and added again to himself: “What a good fellow.”

The train had been rolling slowly for an hour and a half, and Skvortsov's watch showed seven in the evening. The heat subsided a bit, and the elderly couple finally stopped eating. It seems that they had more, but apparently they were just tired and, silently looking at each other, began to unfold the bedding and spread. By this time, Skvortsov's back and back began to moan from sitting in one position for a long time, and he even looked with some envy at an elderly couple who were about to take a seat. horizontal position, each on its own shelf. But Skvortsov decided to hold on: firstly, it was still early, and secondly, he really did not want to drive away his pretty neighbor. The desire to receive aesthetic visual pleasure dominated the needs of the overstaying organism.

“She writes a lot of messages to her mother,” Skvortsov thought. It would be nothing, but since Skvortsov had nothing else to look at, he watched as the neighbor typed messages one after another, received an answer from someone, laughed quietly and again dialed the next one, habitually poking at the small buttons long nails. “No, this is not a mother, probably some kind of boyfriend,” Skvortsov decided. Interest in the girl waned a little, and for the first time he really immersed himself in reading the newspaper, which he still held in his hands, but never flipped through.

I'll have one bottle of beer! - suddenly exclaimed a white T-shirt.

"Does she drink beer?" Skvortsov wondered to himself. Being a man of the old school, he had a negative attitude towards drinkers and smoking girls, but he had to be even more surprised and indignant when the neighbor, taking a can of beer in one hand, took a pack of cigarettes with a lighter in the other, got up and went to the vestibule.

“Look, what a swell,” Skvortsov thought accusingly. He didn't like that beautiful girl ruins his health with alcohol and nicotine. She is now thirty, and she is beautiful, but what will she turn into in twenty years under the influence bad habits? Skvortsov immediately remembered his grandmother Markovna, his neighbor on the landing, with her crooked yellow teeth, rare gray hair and loose patchy skin. How many Skvortsov met her, she was always drunk and with a cigarette in her mouth. He was sure that this girl would turn into such a grandmother over time if she continued to lead a disastrous, from his point of view, lifestyle. Moreover, Skvortsov even praised himself for not starting conversations with the girl and getting to know the future better. He doesn't need this.

Fifteen minutes later the neighbor returned. In the compartment immediately formed bad smell tobacco and beer. The neighbor, completely unaware of Skvortsov's internal condemnation of her, as if nothing had happened, spoke quietly to someone on the phone.

You're a fool, since you don't understand anything, - the neighbor hissed into the phone. - You're just finished. I've told you this fifteen times already. What are you listening to?

"Oh you, we know how to swear?" - again made a silent condemnation of Skvortsov and frowned. The girl, to whom he had been ready to give the title of "Miss World" a few hours ago, no longer seemed so worthy of his gifts and favor, and he listened further. And then, from a quiet conversation, he heard several completely unprintable expressions and looked at his neighbor with completely different eyes.

“God, what a stupid piercing in her navel,” thought Skvortsov. “He is completely out of place here. And what kind of fashion is this? Only narrow-minded people would do such a thing.”

The sun was setting very quickly below the horizon, and the general lighting was turned on in the compartment. Skvortsov no longer read and did not even pretend, but simply looked out the window, listening to the endless conversation of a neighbor on the phone. From these conversations, his ears were sluggish, and along with the ears, the beauty of an excessively talkative girl in Skvortsov's imagination was also sluggish. “And her hair is split. They cut exactly. The light is on and now you can see. He doesn’t take care of himself, ”Skvortsov muttered in his head, but was silent and rolled along with the train and fifteen cars further.

It had long been dark, the elderly couple was snoring measuredly on their shelves, the brunette continued to chat on the phone, occasionally interrupting to write with her indecently long nails, as Skvortsov had already decided, a new message to someone, and Skvortsov himself had already twisted his back. My neck tingled, my eyelids felt heavy, and my body as a whole hinted that it was time to take a horizontal position.

He glanced at his watch - half past ten. Another half an hour and the lights will have to be turned off.

“Interesting,” Skvortsov thought, “how long does she think to sit here? Let it climb up. This is my place. Everyone has long relied on, and she sits and sits. What kind of person?

But again, he didn't say anything. Slightly changing his position and closing his eyes, Skvortsov mentally mentioned the brunette with an unprintable expression that an hour ago he had heard from her in the address of some “Verunchik”.

When Skvortsov opened his eyes, it was dark in the compartment. He was also sitting, and his neighbor was also talking quietly, but very audibly, on the phone. The back ached unbearably, and it was urgently necessary to lie down normally.

“You look like a creature,” Skvortsov was indignant to himself, “He sits, tryndit on the phone and does not blow in his mustache. What does she think of herself anyway?

Internal indignation and pain in his back rose up in him to such an extent that he, in the end, could not stand it, turned to face her and, choking, said:

Excuse me, please. I don't want to disturb you, but I'll go to bed.

Will you sleep? - either with surprise, or with sympathy, the brunette asked, removing the phone from her ear for a second.

“Of course, sleep, you long-legged fool,” thought Skvortsov and said:

The girl, to her credit, immediately jumped up and went out into the corridor so as not to interfere with Skvortsov's packing.

When the sheet was in place, where it was supposed to be, the pillowcase was on the pillow, and Skvortsov himself was lying on top of them, a deep relief descended on him. His back let go, a pleasant languor spread through his body, and Skvortsov immediately fell asleep.

The hour of the night. That is how much Skvortsov's clock showed, on which the light fell from the platform, near which the train stood. Skvortsov would have been glad not to know what time it was, but, waking up, he became curious at what time his insolent neighbor dared to still talk on the phone. And it would be okay in a whisper, but in a voice. The damned elderly couple were sniffling, and there was no one to save the indecisive but indignant Skvortsov and reprimand the girl. Judging by the conversation, the brunette was already arguing with some Antosha, and again, judging by negative emotions, which she poured into her phone, Antosha probably had to, at least, betray the country and parents. Skvortsov saw no other reason why a person should be vilified so emotionally, and even in the middle of the night, and even in a train compartment where other people sleep. And sleep well. But now they don't sleep. That is, Skvortsov does not sleep, and this is, you know, a human tragedy.

"May you die," Skvortsov raged to himself. “May your Antosha die. So that all your friends, girlfriends, acquaintances and relatives die. This is how rude you have to be to keep people awake at night. She sat to the last, did not let me lie down, now she does not let me sleep. boorish. And how does her phone just not discharge? Sheep".

Be Starlings at least drinking man, then he could step over his intelligence and deal at least verbally with the offender. But he didn't drink, didn't smoke, and didn't even swear in public. And so he lay and endured. And didn't sleep.

"Bitch" - thought Skvortsov.

"Bitch. What is there. This is a literary word, and in relation to this girl it is even mildly said, ”he provoked himself.

"Slut" - spinning in his head.

Until morning, Skvortsov remembered a good hundred more abusive epithets addressed to the neighbor from the top shelf, since her conversations did not stop, and Skvortsov himself did not fall asleep. By morning, Skvortsov decided that when everyone woke up and the train was approaching the terminal station, he would express everything that had accumulated in his head during these fifteen hours of the trip. He will tell who she is, how she should live, and where to go.

Until they arrived at the final stop, Skvortsov had already replayed the prepared tirade in his head forty times, and now he was waiting for right moment. And the moment didn't come. The brunette would run away to smoke, then wash, then talk on the phone again, or even just go somewhere into the corridor. Finally, when the train was slowly crawling along the platform, and the most impatient stretched with their suitcases to the exit, the brunette returned, and Skvortsov realized that there would be no better moment. As soon as the girl turned so that her face was turned towards Skvortsov, he opened his mouth, but she smiled as dazzlingly as yesterday, and chirped:

Would you be so kind as to help me take my bag off the top?

For a moment, Skvortsov was taken aback. He was just about to burst into an angry speech, but he was interrupted by a polite request that could not be ignored, especially considering the fact that the elderly couple looked expectantly at Skvortsov when he would deign to help the lady ..

Skvortsov raised his eyebrows, thinking over the situation and, in the end, nevertheless removed the suitcase.

Thanks a lot! - without ceasing to smile the girl has told, - Very much. Thank you very much. - and for some reason she added out of place, - You are a very good and kind person.

All. After last words Skvortsov certainly could no longer swear. Well, he could not say everything that he prepared after he was called good and kind. I couldn't and that's it. And he became disgusted with himself and his soul became unwell.

When Skvortsov was getting out of the car, someone grabbed him by the sleeve.

Man, do you need a taxi? - an unshaven guy in a baseball cap, blue pants and a white T-shirt stood next to him, holding his shirt, and grinding gum with his jaws.

Blue pants and a white T-shirt flashed like a red rag in front of an angry bull in Skvortsov's eyes. He breathed in more air, and as he exhaled, with all the anger and bile accumulated during the night, he blurted out:

Kiss my ass!

My heart felt better, and Skvortsov calmly walked on, carrying his suitcase in one hand and his jacket in the other, making way for grandmothers and children in the crowd.