How to "neutralize" the action of the mother-in-law? Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Don't let negative emotions rule you

Mother-in-law - scary word who are often frightened young girls who are going to get married, but is it so scary and do all mother-in-law represent trouble number one in family life? There are legends about the mother-in-law, although in fact there is a lot of truth in them, more than one marriage broke up through the fault of the mother-in-law, especially. if young people live together.

I will not describe the psychology and motives of certain actions of the mother-in-law, I’m not just lazy about this, let's figure out how to neutralize the mother-in-law in different situations... And remember, the first and most important thing is to find an opportunity to live separately.

There are four main types of mother-in-law that pose a lot of problems.

First type- the mother-in-law is a benefactress, she always knows what is best for you and is ready to "take care" of you day and night. Main signs: she loves to rummage in your things, loves to come to visit without warning, can break into the bedroom without knocking into the very inappropriate moment, and of course she never ceases to give advice, because she knows everything and about everything better than you, in her presence you feel like a little naughty schoolgirl. She loves to establish her authoritarianism with gifts and cash injections into your budget.

Counteraction: the further you live, the more the ray. In no case do not give her a set of keys to your home, do not accept gifts, monetary and physical assistance, no matter how much you would like it. Keep in mind that she will not understand the hints, and if you want to tell her what you do not like, you will have to speak directly, bluntly. Make it clear that you are the hostess, and you yourself know what is best for you.

Type two- rival, her motto - HOW NOT LUCKED MY SON WITH WIFE! Her favorite hobbyhorse is criticism, she criticizes you for everything and everywhere, putting you in an unfavorable light is a balm on her soul, and of course, only you are to blame for all the troubles and troubles.

Counteraction: always and in everything agree with her, as soon as criticism and accusations begin - do not let her say a word, calmly list your shortcomings yourself, then the merits of your husband, lamenting how lucky you were and how unlucky he was, in general, calmly say her speech. Deprived of the opportunity to splash out her negativity, she will eventually calm down and switch to something else.

Type three- an intriguer, the most dangerous type, because she always acts on the sly and for her all means are good. Do not feed it with honey to distort any situation.

Counteraction: minimum communication. maximum politeness, you can of course try to record your conversations on a dictaphone, but if your husband believes more to mom than you - here you are one against two, and you probably should think about whether your relationship is worth such a confrontation ...

Type four- the owner, she should always be the center of her son's life, everything else is a secondary plan, attention should be paid to her first of all, she should be helped, her problems should be solved first of all, regardless of her own.

Counteraction: it is possible only if you and your husband act as a united front, making her understand that you will never refuse help, but you also have your own needs. problems and needs.

For example, if a mother-in-law urgently needs her son to go to the dacha today, one might say. that he can only in three days (or two. or one, or whatever you like), because. that he or you have an urgent business that you cannot refuse, etc. A good move would be to find the mother-in-law a hobby or introduce someone to someone who will brighten up her loneliness and distract her from her son.

Here are the basic tips, but remember that the mother-in-law is your husband's mother and show her due respect, besides, there are many beautiful women who become real friends for daughters-in-law, and then many of you will also become mother-in-law ...

well, if suddenly you recognized yourself in these types - there is something to work on

Classic triangle: a man and two women. But if one of the women is his mother, then this is no longer a love, but rather the Bermuda Triangle, where sometimes love, respect and peace disappear without a trace. Rare examples of the cloudless relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law are passed from mouth to mouth, like legends ...

However, is everything so dramatic and hopeless? If you go on a long journey in sunny weather, but do not exclude the possibility of rain, you take an umbrella with you. So why not prepare in advance for possible difficulties in your relationship with your mother-in-law? This article of ours is addressed to women who are just about to get married.

The best treatment is prevention

"Unfortunately, the relationship did not work out with my mother-in-law." Too often we hear this phrase from women. And the question immediately arises: did you "add up" these relations, did you make special efforts to make these relations good? More often than not, young women who are preparing for marriage are not up to it. They are passionate about their chosen one, their new role, future wedding... The husband's mother is somewhere in the background. And soon and in general it may seem to you an annoying hindrance, a fly in the ointment, which spoils the charm honeymoons... But there are years ahead married life... And minor mistakes of the first days of meeting the future mother-in-law can turn into tangible moral losses in the future.

Moreover, even before meeting your future mother-in-law, you need to be very careful. When meeting a young man, do not support him in disparaging comments about his mother. Most likely, this is youthful bravado, a tribute to the youth style, which suggests a somewhat ironic attitude towards parents. Very often these are just words, but in fact a young man can be very attached to his mother. The fact that he allows himself to criticize her in your presence does not mean at all that he will not be shocked if you express yourself in the same tone. Be careful, because your current friend may eventually become your spouse and after years will scream in anger: "You ruined my life! You never loved my mother. When we still met, you already said nasty things about her."

You won't get a second chance to create a first impression.

Going to the first meeting with your future mother-in-law, you should immediately feel a sense of responsibility: the future of your marriage largely depends on the relationship with your spouse's parents. After all, the more benevolent people around you and your husband, the stronger and happier your union will be. When you start building your family with passion, it may seem that you don't need anyone else. And at first it might almost be like that. Almost - because both your parents and your husband's parents will help you to some extent (some more, others less). Over time, especially if a child arrives, you will need their support much more. And believe me, take help from those with whom you have bad relationship, very, very unpleasant. But, most likely, it will be necessary. If you ruin your relationship with your parents, it will not be easy for you. Consider whether it is worth laying the foundations for the difficulties you can do without?

When preparing to meet your future mother-in-law, do not so much think over your outfit (although, of course, it is necessary to take into account the conservative views of a person of the older generation), as tune in internally to show interest in her. After all, you, of course, want to please her? Mikhail Bulgakov said it well: "How can you please a person if you don't like him yourself?" Therefore your the main task try to feel sympathy for the mother of your chosen one. Do your best to see in her something for which you can respect, appreciate, and even love her. Ask your future spouse in advance about his mother. Find out what she is interested in, what she is proud of, what she values ​​in herself.

When you go to the bride, you are going to demonstrate not so much your external data as what kind of person you are: do you know how to respectfully and attentively treat other people, do you know how to listen. Most likely, you will have to listen to how hard it was for your future mother-in-law to raise her son, what sacrifices she might have made for him, and how hard it was for her to survive his childhood illnesses. And at the same time, she can tell you how special he is, not like everyone else, how well he treats her. In her words, one can feel quite a clear subtext: “I have invested so much in it, experienced so much, and you came to the ready-made. Do you deserve this? good husband? And in general, until you showed up, everything was fine with us. "

Listen to your mother-in-law's stories carefully, ask her questions, and you will receive invaluable information that will help you not only get along with her, but also correctly build relationships with your husband in the future. After all, your chosen one is in many ways his mother, his father. You will be able to learn about the way of life in the family, traditions, habits, relationships between parents. It is very likely that your spouse-to-be has adopted exactly the model of relationships that was in his family. Knowing in advance what you may face in your future family life, you will save yourself from many surprises and disappointments. And at the same time, you are more likely to meet the expectations of your life partner.

This woman gave you a loved one

Now in vogue psychological advice which would be more correct to call "behavioral". They answer the question of how to behave. But the answer to the question of how you feel is much more important. And then feelings will tell you the correct demeanor, and tone, and actions.

With the mother-in-law, of course, you need to behave in accordance with all the rules of decency in relation to to a loved one who is older than you in age. However, if your behavior is not supported by feelings, this will not help you. And then you will tell your friends: "I don't know why my mother-in-law treats me this way, I am polite to her, show signs of attention, give gifts, what else is she missing?" Most often, your mother-in-law lacks what you could not find in your soul - even if not love, but sincere respect.

The main feeling that you should be imbued with is gratitude. It is her that yours expects from you future mother-in-law... Gratitude for an invaluable, from her point of view, gift, perhaps for the most precious thing in her life - for her son. After all, he is infinitely dear to her. She gave birth to him, raised him, she remembers a thousand little things from his life. For many years she believed that he belonged first to her and only then to everyone else. And then you appear, a stranger and in many ways alien to her, and lay claim to her treasure. From what position do you enter her life - a winner, a conqueror, a rival, or a person who is infinitely grateful to her? If your mother-in-law feels that she gave you her son, she will be proud of her generosity and treat you with a warm feeling. If she thinks that you have taken it away from her, she will never be able to overcome the feeling of resentment and dislike in her soul.

Marry his relatives

It is very important to consciously choose a life partner, accept him with all his good qualities and disadvantages. But you also take a man as your husband with all his relatives, who become close people to you. Of course, this primarily concerns your spouse's mother. Accept her for who she is. Treat her with condescension if she will prove by her behavior that she is better than you. Recognize her excellence in what matters most to her. Who said that you have to be better than her in everything so that your husband continues to love you? He loves you differently anyway. She is not your rival and will never be able to take your place. And even if your spouse compares you to your mother in your ability to cook, maintain order, or handle money, these are such trifles compared to the big and serious that binds you.

We conditionally take a certain collective image of the mother-in-law. But they are different: smart and stupid, tolerant and quarrelsome, eternal housewives and modern business women. But they all need attention, a benevolent attitude and interest in each of them as a unique personality. Do not forget that everyone wants to be recognized for their merits, and thanked for their efforts.

Stay out of the relationship between a husband and his mom.

If your chosen one never outgrew nihilism adolescence(in men, this process can be delayed for a long time, if not for a lifetime), then you may encounter his somewhat neglectful attitude towards your mother. This situation will require a lot of patience and tact from you. It is dangerous to support a husband in a war against his own mother, even if it is a "toy" war over little things. And in equally it is impossible to form a kind of women's coalition, connecting to the educational process own husband... In this case, you will surely acquire faithful friend in the person of your mother-in-law, but at the same time you risk losing your husband.

It is inappropriate and hopeless to rush to re-educate your spouse and lecture how he should behave with his own mother. And it’s completely foolish to take on the role of the protector of a sexually mature man from his mother. Also, don't forget that you don't know the background of their relationship. You can witness seemingly inexplicable outbreaks, both from him and from her. But this can be caused by just one phrase or a slightly noticeable intonation in the voice, behind which there are previous conflicts and misunderstandings. Resign yourself to the fact that you started "watching the series" from the middle, and therefore you cannot know all the nuances of other people's relationships, and even more so - judge who is right and who is wrong. Your role can only be peacekeeping - to mitigate the situation and smooth over the rough edges. You have to learn to sympathize with both sides without warming up either of them.

When you get married, build your special relationship with the mother-in-law. Don't be a reflection of the relationship that developed between your husband and his mother. If the relationship is especially tender, you will "fall short" of them and end up always losing against their background. If the relationship is tense, then you get a ready-made conflict in which you are innocent. Visit your mother-in-law without a husband, go to visit just like that, keep her company on walks, talk with her.

Call her mom if she wants it!

You know the importance family contract... It is not out of place to conclude such an agreement with your mother-in-law. Of course, it will not look like "now let's agree how we will live with you." But it is very useful to unobtrusively discuss some points that affect your common interests... Ask right away how she would like you to call her. Oddly enough, but this is very important. We had to observe more than once how the “wrong” treatment of the mother-in-law became the beginning of mutual confrontation.

You may be asked to call your mother-in-law "mom." Do not fall into the bombastic style: "I have only one mother." Such a desire may be a tribute to the traditions of the family, and it is not for you to change them, but it may be dictated by an unrealized desire to have another child or just a girl. Do not forget - when a woman hears "mom", she wakes up the instinct to love, protect and forgive everything. And if you immediately acquire the status of another child, it is not so bad. But you may be asked to call your mother-in-law by name and patronymic. This indicates a certain distance, but at the same time that there will be less interference in your life. A young-looking mother-in-law may suggest calling her simply by her first name. Not bad either, you have a better chance of becoming her friend. But whatever option is offered to you, accept it favorably and with joy.

Your agreement with your mother-in-law may also relate to purely economic matters and how often she would like to see you and her husband visit her, and the help that she can count on or herself can provide you. Such an agreement will immediately clarify many issues and prospects. After all, when a mother-in-law says: "Of course, when the baby is born, I will help," she may mean that she agrees to take a stroll to the park once a week. Are you sure she is going to leave her job to look after the baby. If you discuss everything in advance, neither you nor she will be offended later, since each of you will know what to count on.

If you live separately from your mother-in-law, then line up good relationship with her is absolutely real. But if you have to live with your mother-in-law under the same roof and even share the kitchen with her, everything is much more complicated. The only way out is to have your own corner. If you do not have the opportunity to buy your home, it is better to at least rent, limiting yourself to the bare essentials, than continuously, around the clock, to be a target for unsolicited advice and, especially, reproaches.

Probably every woman, getting married, dreams of living separately, having her own nest, where only she herself will be the mistress. But not all of these dreams turn into reality, and many have to live with their husband's parents, which means getting along with their mother-in-law and finding mutual understanding. How can this be achieved?

How to behave in Everyday life, and in any everyday situations? Here are tips to help a woman build relationships and live in harmony with her mother-in-law. Who knows, maybe life with your mother-in-law, who has annoyed you so much, will eventually become quite prosperous and you will not only improve relations but also become truly close people.

First advice. Do not try to impose your own rules on your mother-in-law or rebuild the existing family structure in your own way. At least in many ways, the daughter-in-law can do in her own way, as she sees fit, and the mother-in-law in her own way does not need to try to prove that you are doing something right, even if you have good arguments for this, do not delve in what does not concern you, your worries are enough for you. If something does not suit you, which certainly concerns you, you need to discuss it in a calm tone, as if to first hint, and then, depending on the reaction of the mother-in-law, give arguments and act further.

Second advice. It will be good if from the very beginning it will work out with the mother-in-law trusting relationship and mutual respect. Consult with her, her advice can help you out, and it also shows your trust. Offer your help in anything and do not refuse her help, in this case you can always count on her help when you really need it, because if you get pregnant and have a child, then the mother-in-law can help you out more than once, in one word there must be mutual assistance in the family. Do not forget to also congratulate her on the holidays, it is not necessary to do big expensive gifts, give flowers, a postcard, the main attention, but it is better to give something that she has long dreamed of, and you know about it, then such a gift will surely please her and add warmth to your relationship.

Third advice. You should not complain to your mother-in-law about your husband, she will still consider him good, because this is her beloved son, and she can blame you. This can add up conflict situation... Relationships with your husband, quarrels with him are your own business and the mother-in-law should not concern them, so you should not drag her into them. If you are not satisfied with some of the personal qualities of your husband, never tell your mother-in-law that she raised her son badly. Her son is an adult, and parents cannot be blamed for his character or behavior, all parents try to educate and instill good qualities their child, but not always they grow up and become as they would like.

Fourth advice. If the mother-in-law makes a remark to you, do not rush to argue and make excuses, listen to the end, maybe she is really right and you should pay attention to her remark. Know how to agree with her, or at least just not to object, and this does not mean at all that you need to do everything just the way your mother-in-law wants.

Fifth advice. If any conflict situation has arisen between you and your mother-in-law, then you do not need to complain to your husband and drag him into the conflict, because he may disagree with your opinion, but agree with the opinion of your mother, and then you and your husband will also quarrel.

Following all of these tips will help you build friendly relations with your mother-in-law and find peace and understanding in your home. With just a little effort and patience on your part, you can live peacefully as one big happy family.

How to teach a mother-in-law a lesson. Instructions for use

Dreaming to find family happiness, girls do not think about the train of relatives who reach out for the groom. Most of those who looked at you at the wedding are unlikely to meet at life path, but with the husband's parents will have to communicate constantly.

Thoroughly thinking over each step and bothering with little things in order to please the second mom and dad will not work for a long time. The moment will come when a sense of pride and independence will force your Self to come out. Modern girls often they do not try to adapt to the husband's parents, hence the conflict of interest arises almost immediately after the honeymoon.

The stereotyped confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should initially be viewed as a war between two women loving one man. One cannot get used to the idea that her boy has already grown up and has long ceased to be an angel in the flesh, that it is time to stop nursing him and control everything and everyone in his life. The other cannot accept the care of her husband on the part of another woman, her curiosity and captiousness. It turns out a situation of the category: two rams on a narrow bridge. Naturally, one does not want to bend under the mother-in-law. Therefore, we will try to tame the mother-in-law.

Straight Talk

Before proceeding with decisive action try to discuss the current situation with your mother-in-law with a glass of wine or a mug of tea and kindly explain to her where she is wrong and that she should not worry about her son. Who knows, the essence of the conflict could have been petty misunderstandings and natural maternal anxiety. Then you're in luck.

If over time and new actions of the mother-in-law you realize that the conflict is still taking place, go on the offensive for now. Be confident, don't stop halfway.

It is most annoying when everyone your action accompanied by a comment: you feed the child in the wrong way, dress it not for the weather, iron the linen incorrectly, cook the wrong thing ...

You can teach a counselor a lesson by completely ignoring her or agreeing with her in everything, but doing it in your own way. We advise you to stock up on sedatives and patience. The mother-in-law will soon realize that you are indifferent to her monologue, you neglect advice, smiles and approving nods are just a sign of decency. And who wants to speak into the void? A self-respecting mother-in-law will back down.

The carefully pronounced phrase will also help to calm the mother-in-law: "Anna Ivanovna, I do everything for the good of your son, and he is happy with everything." The situation for the mother-in-law will turn out to be a dead end: forcing you to do the opposite, she comes out, only harming her son.

There is one more method by contradiction. The mother-in-law who considers herself perfect wife and the mother will always bother with advice, parting words. She just knows better. Based on this situation, we suggest that you turn to her for advice at every step. Call her constantly and ask her what to do. Ask her for help, because she best grandmother and mother.

Call day and night. The child's temperature has risen, consult with the mother-in-law. Let there be too many of you. Her domestic troubles are up to her throat, she does not need strangers. The mother-in-law herself will try to keep communication with you to a minimum.

Uninvited guest

Some mothers-in-law love to make surprises. For example, visiting unexpectedly. No call, no SMS, just a knock on the door. It irritates when they suddenly burst into personal space and start to spoil the nerves. Take a deep breath, calm down, and next time do not open the door - we were in the bath, did not hear. Pretend you need to run.

Having kindly offered to have a snack on the way, leave her at home alone, wait for her son. Do anything to make her feel out of place. The mother-in-law will not so much be angry with you as she will regret the time spent. And next time he will call.

Yourself with a mustache

How to pacify a mother-in-law if she constantly makes comments about your uncleanliness, inability to keep the house in order, organize family evenings? At next visit visit her, accuse her inadvertently greasy spots on napkins, on the toilet, in a yellowed bathtub, on a dusty couch. It will not sound entirely correct, but effective. There is no such thing as perfection.