Is it worth it to live with a drunken alcoholic. Why does my husband drink? When to leave
The boundary between drunkenness and alcoholism
Alcoholism is a disease that needs to be treated. It is worth noting that its origins come precisely from drunkenness. The main differences between these categories are:
- Drinking is a habit that a person controls himself. He may abuse alcohol on holidays or more often, but also has the ability to quickly stop it. In alcoholism, an uncontrollable desire to drink begins. If with ordinary drunkenness a person can live as before, then the disease has a destructive effect;
- Alcoholism is an addiction that has a manifestation. If a person does not take a dose, then he begins to break down, depression and an extremely depressed state. There are no such symptoms in drunkenness;
- It is not so easy to get rid of alcoholism, because even desire will lose to habit;
- After drunkenness, certain moments are erased in memory, and alcoholics have no memories of the day of intoxication completely.
It would seem that drunkenness and alcoholism are completely different things. In fact, the line between these two concepts is very thin. Yes, they are different, but a change from one state to another can happen at any time.
In addition, all people are different and someone has a predisposition. If relatives of your bloodline loved one had this addiction, then there is a high probability that it may also be found in him. It is one thing to drink two glasses of wine on holidays, another thing is to drink several liters of alcoholic beverages every weekend.
If you see that your loved one has begun to buy alcohol more and more often, then this is one of the signs leading to a serious addiction.
Who is an alcoholic
Alcoholic is a person who can no longer live without alcohol. He is looking for an opportunity to drink anytime, anywhere. His behavior is difficult to control by persuasion or some kind of complaint. He not only does not want to live without the harmful drink, he cannot do it.
Of course, such a disease has more to do with psychology than with physiology. The addict sees in a similar product a reward, a buzz and getting rid of heartache. He is so accustomed to its absence that its appearance brings him great suffering.
Such people panic if they cannot find the next dose. They often torture their relatives and do inappropriate things. Insanely often, addicts take out equipment and furniture from the apartment in order to buy a bottle with the money received. This is the behavior of an abnormal person who needs treatment, not a conversation about morality.
If you are in doubt about the diagnosis, see your doctor. If a loved one refuses to go to him, then try to call a specialist at home. At least this way you will get an accurate and honest analysis.
How long do alcoholics live?
By the way, there is a misconception that alcoholics live longer. But the statistics say otherwise. In fact, the life expectancy of an addict does not exceed 45-55 years.
If you have met or know an elderly person who suffers from this disease, then he is most likely just an exception. In addition, it is worth taking into account genetics, the absence of hereditary diseases, which also affect this issue.
It is worth noting that drinking people look much older. Perhaps this nuance also plays a role in the general illusion. On the street we often meet alcoholics who seem old to us. But this is just a deceptive image.
Causes and consequences of alcoholism for loved ones
For a long time there has been such a thing as "codependency". People who live with an alcoholic are also sick. Most often, they begin to have nervosa, and a child in such a family has developmental and mental problems.
Children are especially hard hit. For them, all these problems are perceived especially brightly. They start to take it out on other people and learn worse. Their perception of the world and value collapses. Often it is these individuals who grow up angry, aggressive and unhappy.
Relatives of the addict begin to get used to constant stress. They often distance themselves from acquaintances, friends and relatives. They are simply ashamed of their native person. Similar problem It is always humiliating and very painful.
They feel obligated to help him and take on someone else's role. Often women begin to blame themselves for what happened. That is why they want to fix the situation so much. By the way, quite often people adopt the model of behavior of an alcoholic and start drinking themselves.
Constant dissatisfaction with others, stress, fights and pain cannot remain without a trace. Often people just go crazy.
Is living with an alcoholic worth it?
Whether to live with an alcoholic? Every woman asks this question, but only a few can get away from an alcoholic. For some reason, most ladies take on the role of lifeguard. Everyone wants to change a loved one and spends all her strength on this. However happy endings happens incredibly little.
If you have been struggling with this problem for many years and have tried a bunch of methods, but nothing happens, then leave. It always seems to a loved one that a little more and the addiction will pass, but you need to look at things soberly. If a loved one has a desire, then sooner or later you will be able to cope with the disease. If not, then it's completely useless.
If a child grows up in such an atmosphere, then at least think about him. Do not blame yourself for betrayal if you leave. These moral principles are absolutely immeasurable with the destroyed psyche of children.
Living with an alcoholic in the same apartment is difficult and unbearable for all relatives. Let better family will be incomplete, but suffering, pain and constant fear will disappear from it, as well as Negative influence on children. After all, children often repeat the fate of their parents. Eliminate a negative future for your child.
As for love, this too is often an illusion. An alcoholic is a completely different person, and you fell in love with another. If you've done your best to fix the problem, then don't blame yourself for deciding to be happy.
How to deal with an alcoholic in the family
If you can't leave or if your son is drinking, you need to change your behavior. Any actions can only aggravate the situation and increase the number of problems. Consider the most basic rules on how to live with an alcoholic:
- It is necessary to truly acknowledge the problem, and not to indulge in the illusion that everything will go away by itself. If a person promised to quit three years ago, then nothing will change in the next three years. You need to see a doctor immediately.
- Stop making excuses for the drunk person. If some kind of misfortune happened to him, then this is not at all a reason to give up. Why do you have to be strong and he can't?
- Stop helping him when he has had a drink or woke up after drinking. If he fell asleep on the floor in the corridor, then let him lie there. The same goes for hangovers. He will just get used to the fact that you have to and are obliged to do all this for him.
- If your husband is an alcoholic and he has a binge, then try to somehow protect the children and yourself from this. If possible, then go away together to your parents or stay with friends. Still, drinking without a break is a rarer case.
- Do not arrange any quarrels and conversations with a person who is drunk. At these moments, he is especially aggressive and unable to hear anything. Besides, he won't remember anything the next day.
- Stop going to fortune tellers, because most of them do not have any abilities. Contact medical institution because it is a disease that can be cured.
- Try to change your attitude towards the situation. Make an appointment with a psychologist and consult with a narcologist. You yourself need help.
Understand that life does not revolve around one person. Yes, this problem is very serious and takes a lot of strength from you, but this is not a reason to forget that you are a woman. Try to take care of yourself and arrange yourself small holidays. So life will not seem so sad.
Of course, if your son drinks, then the situation is much more serious. If you can leave your husband, then it is impossible to leave a child. As for behavior, it should be exactly the same as with your spouse.
Help the child solve his problem, but do not become his nanny. And most importantly, don't blame yourself for this situation. Your son is independent person who knows how to make decisions.
How to help an alcoholic stop drinking
First of all, you must change your own behavior. The patient should see some changes in life that will make him think. We have collected for you the most effective advice psychologist:
- Spend most of your time with other family members. Go with them to various events walk more and stay at home less. Perhaps, after a while, the alcoholic will also want to join. If not, then call him yourself. Of course, at such moments a person should be in a sober state.
- Stop pitying the addict. If you are guilty of something, then do not try to make amends by buying alcohol. So the person will see that you are encouraging it.
- Don't Give Money to an Alcoholic. He should have an incentive to earn himself. If he wants to buy something for the family, then go to the store with him or buy this thing yourself.
- Do not justify it to colleagues or friends. Also, do not remove the traces of his debauchery until he wakes up. Let him be ashamed of his behavior. For some, this feeling makes them change.
- Try to talk about treatment and struggle with addiction with a sober person.. Do not raise your voice to him, do not criticize, but offer a solution.
- It is necessary to set ultimatums about leaving only after long and useless conversations.. If you want to voice this offer, then be prepared to leave. Many alcoholics do not believe in the seriousness of this phrase, and then manipulate the person even more if his promise is not justified.
- Don't hide your situation from friends and family. It's not even about making the patient feel ashamed. Perhaps people will want to help you. It is highly likely that one of them had a similar problem with friends and they know good doctor or some other valid method.
- Don't do anything behind his back. The addict must want to fix his problem himself. Treatment without his knowledge will be short-lived.
- If you see that a person is trying and gradually getting better, then support and praise him. It is at times like these that he needs your help the most.
You must create conditions that will make him look at the situation differently. More often than not, screaming and fighting do nothing. The addict must see for himself what he is bad habit.
you chose to leave
Be prepared for the fact that the person may not let you go. If he screams and swears that everything will change, then give him a second chance. Just remember that this should be a second, not a third or fourth chance.
If no action follows, then pack your things. This must be done carefully, and not for show. If the first time the alcoholic threw a tantrum, then he will repeat it again. Perhaps threats or ultimatums will begin, which is equally bad. Nothing should stop you.
You should not run away from home in feelings without thinking about anything. You must make this decision consciously and find another place to live in advance. If you have friends who can take you in, then that's good. If after a month of living apart your loved one does not change his attitude to alcohol, then you can rent a separate apartment and start new life. Even if the children of alcoholics force him to change, then it is unlikely that anything will help him.
It is very important not to blame yourself. You gave the addict a choice and he made it. Stop being a victim and accept that your life matters too. You were born to be happy and loved.
The main thing is that there were many attempts to change a loved one. You've wasted so much time and energy on someone else's life. If he does not think about your feelings, then what kind of love is it?
Practical advice on how to live with an alcoholic. How to help him? Why does the man drink? Should I leave my alcoholic husband?
Wine, beer, champagne - with many go through life, making it on occasion, and sometimes just like that, for no reason, a little more festive. Agree.
But another thing is when alcohol becomes the center of attention.
Therefore, it is necessary to distinguish between a "lover of drinking and walking in a big way" and a real alcoholic - a person with a real addiction.
If you have a suspicion that the beloved man does not just drink sometimes, but abuses - take a closer look.
Alcoholism has quite pronounced symptoms:
He cannot stop drinking. At all. It's not even about the dose, but about the regularity. Daily 100 grams of vodka at dinner for "appetite" is also alcoholism. If there is a choice, he always makes it in favor of alcohol - this is a total priority.
1. He is irresponsible and optional for reasons related to alcohol (with a hangover) and this happens all the time.
2. He does not know the measure and drinks until the bottle runs out or until he passes out.
3. He doesn't stay long at any job because sooner or later he gets fired because of a drinking problem.
4. He has stash, but not in bills, but in bottles.
5. Under the influence of alcohol, his behavior changes greatly (a person is either unnaturally cheerful, or - most often - becomes aggressive and uncontrollable).
6. An obvious symptom is when he goes into drinking binges for a couple of weeks regularly.
7. A neglected case - when all the money and things are taken out of the house in order to purchase another bottle
If there is more than one symptom, it is alcoholism (only a narcologist can make an accurate diagnosis). For a non-alcoholic, do not drink, if from alcohol - not a problem at all. For an alcoholic, alas, it's a disaster.
So, we have determined. What's next?
The bad news is it really is a disease. psychophysiological character. Narcologists qualify it as one of the varieties of chemical dependence.
The good news is that it is curable.
But only on one condition: if the man himself admits that there is such a problem and wants to get rid of it on his own.
Forcibly, no matter how hard you try, treat an alcoholic directly and figuratively- will not work. Actually, this applies in general: it is useless to remake them.
You can only accept or not. And above yourself - pump your femininity, develop. And then the man nearby will either want to change himself, or disappear from the horizon.
If it turned out that your man is an alcoholic, you have several ways.
Before deciding whether to live with an alcoholic, ask yourself these questions:
- Are you ready to live with a sick person?
- Are you ready to accept the fact that it will not get better (if it does not heal), it can only get worse?
- Are you ready to sacrifice your life, youth, health, energy, resources on the altar of fighting his addiction?
- Are you ready to take responsibility for everything in these?
- Are you ready to raise children with a person whose priority is not family, not children, not you, but his addiction?
- Are you ready to play the role of the victim and? (there is no other way in this model of relations)
is it so bad?
Of course, as with any rule, there are exceptions. When an alcoholic “suddenly” begins to see clearly and one day stops drinking. Forever.
Illumination comes, happens stressful situation(accident, death or serious illness a loved one, a non-standard dream, military operations, any force majeure) - and the person changes dramatically.
Are the parents to blame?
Maybe. If the parents were physically or emotionally unavailable (too busy, living somewhere else, etc.) and there was a sensual hunger.
Or maybe self-esteem is so low that it can be raised only at the expense of a flawed partner: after all, he needs to be “saved” ... in general, life seems to be filled with meaning and mission.
And against its background, you can look advantageous and justify your failure with a hard life next to the addict.
And at the same time you will understand whether he really needs it. Perhaps he will run for treatment when he seriously understands who he is losing. Important: it is to be treated, and not to promise in words to stop drinking. Will not quit. Only words are not enough here.
Once again, if he has not decided for himself that he no longer wants to be an alcoholic, nothing will help here. If he's weak, that's his problem, not yours. Of the two of you, you are already stronger.
"At strong man the woman is happy. The rest is strong ”(folk wisdom).
I wish you happiness!
Ksenia Litvin,
psychologist Growth phase.
Life with an alcoholic can be simply unbearable. Unfortunately, a drinking person not only degrades himself, but also destroys the lives of people close to him. The most correct and simple thing is not to live with an alcoholic. But, unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, women tolerate their drinking husbands for decades.
How self-destruction happens
Taking on a task - help close person stop drinking, in no case should you forget about yourself. In order to live with an alcoholic, one must first of all have strong nerves. It is extremely harmful to constantly be afraid of his breakdowns and drunken antics.
You should try to protect yourself from communicating with a man at this time. Unfortunately, if you force an alcoholic to visit a narcologist or secretly add anti-alcohol drops to his drink, such actions will not give the desired effect.
Paradoxically, a woman, when asked “why doesn’t she leave her drinking husband,” often declares that he will be lost without her. How to explain this behavior of a woman?
She tends to exaggerate her importance in the life of another person. This attitude makes her feel a certain superiority over her alcoholic husband. In this way, she realizes her inner complexes. In other cases, a woman gets used to the role of a victim and gets used to this lifestyle.
In fact, the wife has long been unsettled normal life. Her existence is completely dependent on the drunk dose of a person close to her. This is called codependency.
The other side of the coin is a woman who lives with drinking man, overestimates his efforts in an attempt to cure him. She is morally devastated, exhausted, but does not give up. In many cases, the desperate wife also begins to drink without noticing. As they say: the husband drinks - half of the hut is on fire, and the wife drinks - the whole hut is on fire.
Abstinence from alcohol is not the end of difficulties
So, after numerous visits by an alcoholic to healers, healers, narcologists, psychotherapists, another phase begins in the lives of people close to him. A woman and other family members are waiting for unpleasant changes associated with emotional mood"tied up" alcoholic.
Firstly, a man will be accompanied by an irritable mood. Secondly, he simply will not know how to realize himself at home and in social life. And in such a situation, a wife who has decided to go all the way in the fight against drunkenness should stock up on remarkable patience.
After all, she will have to help her husband recover as a husband, father for her children and an employee at work. By the way, during this period, a man is not immune from a breakdown to start drinking alcohol again.
Is it possible for a woman in such a situation not to destroy her life? There are few individuals who like to be always on guard, to constantly control their alcoholic husband, to be a nanny with him.
A woman should consider whether she is doing this man a disservice? After all drinking husband, confident that the spouse will tolerate him with anyone, runs the risk of remaining addicted to alcohol until the end of his life.
We must always remember that we have only one life. What can children see living with a person who cannot imagine a day without a shot of vodka drunk? What is the payoff for a woman who puts up with her man's drunken antics? And what's next for her?
Of course have different situations in which a person really stops drinking, repents before loved ones and changes his life radically. But this does not happen as often as we would like.
Unfortunately, living next to an alcoholic and not destroying yourself is not an easy task. The most important thing is whether the person for whom all this is being done is worth it?
If a woman makes a lot of efforts to bring a man back to normal, but there is no effect, the best thing is to break up with him. By the way, for some alcoholics this eventually becomes good incentive to stop drinking.
Alcoholism is not a problem Russian family. Most often, alcoholic husbands suffer from their wives. beautiful, young and full of strength it is difficult for a woman to imagine how to live with an alcoholic. The advice of a psychologist in this case will become a guide to right action, which will not aggravate the situation, but will help solve the problem from the inside.
The line between drunkenness and alcoholism
Alcoholism is chronic illness, which is characterized by mental and physical dependence on alcoholic beverages and progresses to the complete decomposition of the personality.
Alcoholics do not become overnight, in order for a persistent addiction to develop and a person to fall ill, one must go through the stage of domestic drunkenness.
Both alcoholism and drunkenness are the abuse of alcohol, but there are some differences between the two:
- Drinking is a habit that may or may not develop into addiction. You can drink for years, but live the same life, and alcoholism progresses, bringing a person to the level of primacy;
- Drinking doesn't need a professional medical treatment, a person, if there is a desire, he can get rid of this habit, such as the habit of smoking;
- With alcoholism, irreversible changes occur in the body: without the next dose of alcohol, a person begins to "break", his state of health worsens. This does not happen with drunkenness;
- A person who abuses alcohol cannot refuse to refuse them, even if there is a desire or need;
- After drunkenness, the events of yesterday are stored in the memory, in the memory of an alcoholic everything is erased cleanly.
What do women often do wrong?
Even if drunkenness has not developed into a disease, one must always be on the alert and make every effort so that the husband does not drink alcohol even out of habit.
Many wives in the fight against the green snake initially make a lot of mistakes, which then only exacerbate the situation:
- Constant "sawing" of her husband, reproaches and reproaches. A person must reach everything on his own, he must say a maximum of two times about what he does not like. Further repetitions are meaningless, they will only create more and more negative;
- Trying to win over parents, other relatives, resorting to requests like: "He does not listen to me, maybe you can reason with him." Constant pressure from all sides will make a man withdraw even more into himself;
- The worst thing for any man is a blow to dignity, and it is easy to apply it when compared with others, reproaching it with inferiority and weakness;
- To put pressure on a man morally, to force, to put before a choice. For some time this may and will have its results, but the problem will still remain under the veil of constant self-restraint and emotional stress;
- Scenes and showdowns with her husband's drinking buddies will definitely not bring him to a good point.
In this video, psychologist Pavel Zhenevin will talk about the causes of male alcoholism, how a wife can help him cope with this disease:
Coercion - will never help to cope with alcoholism, a woman needs to completely change her behavior:
- The main thing is to remain calm, there is no need to hysteria, swear, let there be notes of indifference in every gesture and step;
- Until the alcoholic himself wants to discuss this problem, do not start a conversation on the topic of alcohol addiction, but if he asks his wife’s opinion, she needs not to hide her negative attitude. At the same time, your position must be explained clearly, calmly and without emotions;
- You have to try to be better for yourself. Engage in appearance, self-education, if the wife was a housewife, she will get a job. Perhaps the husband, seeing another woman next to him, to whom he no longer corresponds, will think and begin to change;
- There is no need to become a nanny for an addict: pick up from taverns at night and clean up the mess at home after him. He fell and fell asleep on the threshold of the bar - let him lie until he wakes up, after another drinking bout he made a mess, scattered the bottles, could not resist and shat - let him admire in the morning. The main thing in this case is not to feel sorry for him, not to engage in his guardianship;
- There is no need to hide the true state of affairs in front of colleagues at his work, relatives, a drunkard must be able to answer for his actions.
Why do alcoholics live so long?
There is a false belief that alcoholics live long. But this is completely absurd: is it possible to live long if you drink a lethal dose of poison every day. Yes, there are exceptions when a drunkard lives longer than a teetotaler. But these are isolated cases. Most alcoholics live on average to 35-40 years..
The constant use of alcohol, firstly, destroys brain cells, and secondly, destroys the liver. Alcoholics die not only from cirrhosis of the liver, hepatitis, alcoholic pancreatitis can become the cause of death. The heart in the body of a drunkard suffers no less than the liver: prolonged binges lead to heart failure.
Drunkenness destroys not only the physical, but also mental health. Many people who are addicted to alcohol commit suicide.
Is living with an alcoholic worth it?
An alcoholic is first of all a sick person. But is illness a reason to destroy a family? Is it possible with a clear conscience to leave the person you love in trouble? Of course, a woman should make every effort to cure her husband and restore family happiness.
First of all, it is necessary to try to understand when a glass of vodka became so dear to a loved one? What was the impetus? Failures in life, problems at work, or maybe the reason is a misunderstanding in the family? And then the shadow of guilt lies on the woman herself.
Having learned What has become the root of evil - you need to try to somehow correct the situation, perhaps by talking heart to heart and admitting your own mistakes. But if all the forces and means were thrown into the fight against harmful addiction and too much precious time was spent, and there are no results, then there is nothing left but to either come to terms and live with a person who abuses alcohol, or leave him alone with with his passion.
Alcoholics, unlike other patients, are not aware of their illness and do not want to. And a leper who cannot be cured will certainly infect those around him. Even if not alcoholism, but despair, disappointment and loss of interest in life.
A constantly drinking husband will never make his wife happy. Binges, brawls, the inadequate face of the person you love, exhaust the woman. She, like the alcoholic herself, needs no less support: recommendations from people who know how to live with an alcoholic, advice from a psychologist and help from relatives and friends.
Video: if the husband uses ...
In this video, psychologist Marina Ulyanova advises what to do with an alcoholic husband, how you can live with him:
Often friends and wives of alcoholics turn to our site. If a husband drinks, wives often live in a spectrum of experiences from "how to help your husband" to "leave or not." If you have an alcoholic husband, and such experiences are close to you, you should read this section. The problem of living with an alcoholic husband can open up to you in a completely unexpected way.
This section is based on the excellent book by the leading specialist in this field, the psychotherapist, "Addiction: A Family Disease".
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