Interesting Facts 

An adult daughter hates her elderly mother. Hates daughter

My daughter has hated me since childhood. She was a terribly obstinate child. Under huge influence ExsA I am a century old. They blamed me for all the misfortunes of their son (my former one) and drove my daughter into the head. My stupidity is that I gave them my daughter for the weekend and holidays. She came back from there like a stranger. I was not perceived as a mother. She didn’t try for me, she didn’t regret if I felt bad. I climbed out of the skin so that we had everything. I ruined my health, if only I didn’t need anything. She was 19 years old - she finally spoke out, and then on the phone, that she wanted no such mother. And how bad she is with me. I cried so much. And I made such sacrifices to give her an education. Yes, she wanted to spit. Walked. Fucked up, I'm sorry, study. And I paid a lot of money. Nobody helped me with a penny. I restored it and again the same rake - I dropped out of school. On the day of graduation, she found me in bed with my future son-in-law. I had such stress. Good. Gave in marriage. Left the apartment. The apartment is overgrown with debts. And I built, stretched, helped my future husband money and the wedding, by the way, was played at his expense. Neither my daughter nor my son-in-law helped me at all in the house. It got to the point where I got married. Sold the house. I gave money to my future husband. How many claims dried up because of money, horror. She went abroad to her future husband. Brought me to my senses for a long time. Got married. I went and sold the apartment and decided to take half of the money from the apartment. If we were human, we would give everything. She left. Happy in marriage. Husband gold. After a while, found on the internet. We talked. Sent them money. Everything seemed to be going well. in 2014 the war in the Donbass. They dragged them (already three) to Poland. Instantly broke, drove (1600km) was taken from the camp. So much was brought and not only them (several families were helped), they rented an apartment. Bought everything missing. Helped them for 2 years. experienced each important point in their life. I was terrified how they were there, what they had, whether they would receive a status or a residence permit. Every news is such nerves. And my husband and I are making plans to be one family, we would give them everything, we lived for them. And then suddenly the remark of my husband to the son-in-law crossed everything out. Just one touch. He simply offered to try to speak to his son-in-law in Polish. In response, mate on mate and not allowing her to communicate with her daughter turned off Skype. I call - no answer. Writing. No answer. I am writing to my son-in-law, and he, the last boor, wrote this .... I began to write to shame. Daughter zero reaction. After 3 months, a call to the home. First, a daughter for half a minute, and then a son-in-law screaming and again swearing that everything is just super with them, and they manage without us and why the hell they don’t need us with our loans and all that ... I wrote to my daughter that I don’t want to listen to screams, swearing, that I didn’t deserve such rudeness and that I don’t want to know them with such behavior. And me after nervous breakdown. Only from the hospital. Nerves in general kaput. And here is the answer from the daughter-rubbish. That I'm a stupid mother. That I lost them. That the granddaughter does not like after what I wrote to her, but wrote that she was selfish, like her mother, due to the fact that neither my husband in April nor me in May congratulated her on her birthday. Then he writes that there could not have been a scandal, What I started. So that she doesn’t write anymore and at the end: - “go to the bitch ... Live for yourself and for the sake of ... Good luck scum.” After that, I wept bitterly. Inside, the whole soul has decayed. The heart burned out. My hand began to take away. There isn't a day that I don't think about it all. How painful it is to realize that own daughter so cruel, soulless, scary man. I have never asked for forgiveness in my life. Has no idea what I'm going through. How it hurts me. It seems that it is even a pleasure for her, every suffering of mine brings her joy. She didn’t let me be a mommy, loving, caring and grandmother now. And she's the only one I have. She was afraid to give birth more from an alcoholic, her dad, children. But she doesn't have anyone else.

Mother and daughter - how can there be two more dear people in the world? These are two girlfriends who will always support each other. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sometimes a mother is annoyed by a growing child. And in some cases, she herself can not understand why. And it also happens that a mother hates her daughter, often blaming herself for her feelings. Let's understand why this happens and what to do.

Daughters-mothers

Most often, the attitude of mother to child is a model quivering love. The very one, pure and bright, to which everyone is so eager. And it seems all the more strange if a mother hates her daughter. Most often, this applies to girls; relationships with boys often develop more smoothly.

Sometimes this feeling of irritation and hostility manifests itself towards a newborn child, in another case it develops as it grows and develops. But in any case, it breaks the life of the woman herself and her child. If a mother hates her daughter, this is a reason to turn to a psychologist and psychotherapist. Usually the reasons lie deep in the unconscious, and it is difficult to unearth them on your own.

Ancestral Curse

All sorts of healers, psychics and magicians operate with this concept. But if you look, it is more than real. If a mother hates her daughter, she gives her a distorted picture and a model of intra-family relations. She will grow up, get married and continue the baton.

Psychologically distorted by our parents, we will unwittingly ruin the lives of our own children. And there is only one way out - to go to psychotherapy. Work out your own problems, do not pass them on to children.

postpartum depression

This concept is deeply understood in psychology. Why does a mother hate her baby daughter? it complex issue, and this state of affairs is not liked by the woman herself, frightens others and harms the child. It is clear that something needs to be done about this.

Being pregnant, every woman dreams of how she will take care of the newborn baby. But the solemn discharge from the maternity hospital is over, and the role of the mother causes only dissatisfaction. Moreover, the need to care for the baby is annoying. The young mother wants to leave, hide somewhere and not see anyone. Someone begins to think that it would be better if this child did not exist.

Does this mean that she bad mother? Not at all. Then why does the mother hate her daughter? It's all about postpartum depression. It develops for three reasons:

  • - Decreased estrogen levels. This leads to apathy and irritability.
  • - Lack of sleep and fatigue. All new mothers face this. But if nervous system stable, then it passes without any special consequences. But for women prone to depression, the regimen is very important, as it helps to maintain a normal state. At the birth of a child, all rhythms and modes go astray, hence everything is in black colors, and depression firmly takes its positions.
  • - Often future mom sees everything in pink colors. How she brings home a beautiful bundle, how happy everyone is. But in reality, it turns out that this bundle only does what it screams. And looking happy after a sleepless week is extremely difficult. And the first failures and lack of experience can give rise to a feeling of inferiority.

What can be done

In fact, this condition is corrected quite easily. But you may need the help of relatives, and sometimes a specialist. A young mother needs to get enough sleep and be outside. Then the state gradually normalizes. To do this, she needs a housekeeper who will take care of laundry, cleaning and other chores. As a rule, this becomes a grandmother.

In addition, you need to learn how to treat yourself properly. Not everyone is born ready for hardship and deprivation. Sometimes a young mother can be pulled up by more experienced ones, saying “we raised three without help, and we also ran at night to work.” It is worth responding to such attacks that your health allowed you, and the children were calmer. This does not mean at all that you should act the same way, but if the situation is the opposite, then we recommend that you read this article: http://fb.ru/article/318041/psihologiya-nenaviju-svoyu-mat.

Relationship with teenager

A mother who hates her daughter is not a sick person, but a person with a big wound in her soul. Sometimes she causes no less suffering to the child, sometimes she diligently disguises her feelings, trying to be “good” in public. The problem often starts in infancy. The child feels ambivalent feelings directed at him, and a protest is laid in him. As he grows older, he becomes more "comfortable" and the mother gradually changes her attitude.

But relations in adolescence. All these years, the girl studied diligently, tried to earn love and recognition. And suddenly everything is turned upside down. And now she does not recognize any restrictions, openly declares a boycott and refuses to comply with the demands. And if you forbid pleasure, then he throws tantrums.

Psychologists find a lot of reasons why a mother hates her daughter. AT this case the woman feels humiliated and insulted. Moreover, she sees her impotence, feels guilt, anger and despair. And of course, the source of all this negativity is sitting in front of her. Here you just want the girl to feel as bad as her mother. But at the same time, the daughter vigorously defends her rights.

What to do

If a daughter hates her mother, it may be a mirror image of her own attitude. Of course, these moments are not always realized, but nothing changes from this. In healthy family relationships children grow up harmonious personalities, With normal attitude to their parents. They do not honor their mother as a goddess, but they give her her due.

This is a difficult stage on the path of growing up a child. Moms are people too, they can just get tired of their daughter's antics. We tend to forget how we ourselves behaved in adolescence, so it becomes even more difficult to understand the child. Both of you need to work to build a relationship. This usually requires the help of a third party, preferably a psychologist:

  • “Daughters need to understand that their mother is also human. With your mood. And of course, try to explain your behavior.
  • A mother needs to learn how to talk to her daughter, share her feelings and listen to her. Be sure to not interrupt until the end. You need to listen without angry cries, without insults, even if you do not like what your daughter says.
  • - To make it easier to communicate, try to do something together. Sign up for a dance or gym class, glass painting or cactus farming. The main thing is that it should be interesting for both. Then there will be many topics for conversation.

Relationship with adult daughter

Conflicts are not uncommon in this case. It would seem that the child has grown up, it is already necessary to forget about all the disagreements and just enjoy communication. Moreover, now she has a lot of her own affairs and worries, so spending the whole day together becomes problematic. But conflicts between them are very common. Why does the mother hate her adult daughter? There can be many reasons:

  • - The daughter is perceived as a little girl. There may be several reasons for this. This is the fear that the girl will grow up and leave. And her mother constantly proves to her that she is stupid, knows nothing and should listen to advice. There is another option. The mother is afraid of old age and death, so she suppresses her daughter's natural desire to grow up. As long as she remains small, mother will be young.
  • - Views on the life of a girl who is already 20 or 30 years old can be very different from those that her mother adheres to. This applies to the choice of profession and life partner. And the reason for this usually lies in the unfulfilled dreams of the mother. Through their children, parents try to bring to life what they failed to do. That is, the mother is trying to make her daughter happy, the way she wanted to be. But the tragedy is that she has her own ideas about happiness. This gives rise to conflicts and mutual hatred.
  • - Competition with daughter. And this is also the case. Why do mothers hate their daughters? Because they are young, beautiful, loved and successful. That is why they try every time to show in word and deed that everyone can do much better. This is usually observed in those women who in childhood were set as an example of other children. This mechanism has been fixed for many years.
  • - Clarification of relations and presentation of claims. The reason is as follows: at one time, mother obeyed her parents and refused to own desires. She expects the same from her child. In fact, at the heart of this is the desire to receive recognition and gratitude. Once upon a time, she sacrificed a lot for her daughter. And now she could spend time with her mother, and not go on a date.

daughter's mistakes

What if the daughter hates the mother? First of all, understand your own misconceptions and mistakes:

  • - Often the daughter either plays along with her mother, or tries to fight for her rights. Understand that you are two adult women, and there is absolutely nothing to share.
  • - Desire to change your mother. Absolutely useless occupation, this is an adult and cannot be remade.
  • - Punishment of the mother. In retaliation for childhood grievances.

Structural solution

In order for peace to reign in the family, both of them need to do quite a lot of work. The mother must understand that the daughter has already grown up and can make decisions on her own. Daughters also need to realize that she adult personality and there is no need to aggressively prove it. Find each interesting activity to live your own life, not someone else's. Remember that everyone has their own opinion, and stop challenging other views. Instead, start taking an interest in each other. Both mother and daughter need to stop comparing themselves to others. Learn to be happy for each other without trying to prove your superiority.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello. I want to tell you one of the problems that is going on in my head, getting rid of which, I feel I will feel better. Sorry for the mistakes in advance, the place of grammar in my head has given way to anatomy. My name is Gera, I'm 20 years old, I study in medical school. University and I want to become a worthy specialist in my field, I don’t meet anyone and I don’t have such a desire, there are only two of us in the family. I have relatively good parents, mother and father work as best they can, help me with everything. Everything would be great, but only in appearance. When I look at my parents, especially my mother and especially when I am at home, I want to run away, grow up (in material terms) as soon as possible, that is, get a house and live separately from everyone. And all because when I was 11, I told my mother that I would remember all these years when she psychologically sawed my brain. It feels like childhood ended at the age of 8, until that time I considered myself the most strong man in the world, unshakable. But when my father first came home drunk or when I first saw it, everything changed. Out of anger, I kicked my father, saying that you don’t need to touch your mother, but he came up like that and just wanted to beat him, as my mother interceded, everything changed. Every morning she made me get up, ripping off my blanket and escorting me screaming to the kitchen, making me drink tea. With trembling hands, I put sugar cubes in tea, quickly finished it and ran to clean the house. This usually lasted 5-6 hours, she sawed my brain, said that all my friends are better than me in everything, I am the last woof **, then my grandmother comes, makes all claims against me. How infuriating are these words of hers: "You are an adult young lady, you must do everything yourself!" Then my brother passes by and laughs at me, in the evening I run away for a walk with my girlfriend, and at night a drunk father comes and says that I am a woof **. Mother took a pen and made holes in my skin when we were doing our homework. From childhood, I didn’t have any memory, as my mother took my toys and gave them to my brother, he carried everything and broke all my things. She hit me on the head, if I freaked out, this paranoid despot called my mother did not let me live a normal life, how should I be grateful to her? Dad bullied me less, I loved him more, I was with him more often, I’m ashamed to admit it, but at times I even liked how my father beat my mother as a child. I can't write normally, it's hard. I tried to kill myself twice, the first time I drank about 20-odd Ibuklin tablets, the second time I cut my hands. So, the first time I woke up in the morning with vomiting, the second time the knife turned out to be dull. When I tell my mother that she did wrong, she begins to say: "But my childhood was even worse!" And I told her, "You always say this, you have no sympathy for anyone who has lived a life even a little better than you, you will sympathize only if this person is taken out to the steppe and slaughtered, and even that is not a fact." It was not easy for her, as a child her grandmother beat her, even once intentionally making a fracture, for the sake of money, money from the state for treatment, and all my childhood her father beat her. But all the same, I really wish that my mother would say at least once that she was to blame, I would feel better. I probably can't wait, what do you think? Advise me how to get rid of all this, because there remains hatred and disgust, intertwined with guilt (because my parents help me), thanks in advance for your answer.

The psychologist Flying Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.

Hera, hello. Your mother raised you the way she was raised, repeating the destructive parental scenario of children, which IS IN THE ROOT WRONG, but many people do just that .. Various scenarios of behavior, Eric Berne describes well in his book "Games People Play", which can be found on the Internet and I recommend that you read it so that you do not repeat the mistakes of your mother. You will not change your mother and you do not need to spend your internal resources on this, accept your mother as she is, forgive her in your soul, based on wise expression from the bible "Judge not, lest you be judged." Behave with your parents correctly, but start living your mind, making your life better. You are now studying to be a doctor, which requires dedication, and I personally believe that if you study well, you will already begin to lay the foundation for a successful future, after which you will find a job where you will gain experience and begin to realize yourself, how high qualified specialist. Also don't forget about personal life, just don’t do it for someone else, but do it FOR YOURSELF when you are ready for it, initially doing right choice and building harmonious relationship. To make it easier for you to perceive reality, I recommend that you read the ALBERT ELLIS PSYCHO TRAINING, which is easy to find on the Internet, then follow the recommendations received, also take up your favorite hobby, relaxation techniques.

Svetlana Krassilnikova

Hello, Elena!
To me, your situation is absolutely dramatic. What a terrible choice you face: to continue to live as enemies or to disperse into different, independent lives... Both decisions seem to me like a death sentence for two people, each of whom is irreplaceable for the other. Who will you fill the place where your daughter was? Who can, just like you, love recklessly and disinterestedly your girl, lost in the maze human relations? Perhaps you will now object to me: "You will not be forced to be nice." The saying is true. But there is another one: "Water does not flow under a lying stone." You can't leave everything as it is. I see that both of you can benefit from training in System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan. You will see how you can get rid of the guilt complex, how to choose the best way out of your painful situation. Your daughter, who has been cramming her grievances against her mother for so many years, will be able to understand the roots of her behavior. She seems to have an anal vector. Such people are very fond of order in everything, they are neat to the point of pedantry. And resentment, and even such a long-term one, is only among anal people. Indeed, for your daughter, her grievances are very painful, as they do not decrease over the years, and sometimes become more and more multifaceted and deeper. I'm sure she just doesn't know how to resolve the situation with the least loss. Come to the SVP Training, at least for free introductory lectures. You will learn to understand yourself, first of all, and then others. You will understand the motives of their actions and be able to anticipate their reactions. This makes life much easier.

Irina Malinkina

Passed the training

Evgenia Alekseeva

Passed the training

Hello, Elena!

Stop being a mother and daughter will not work. Unfortunately, there are many problems and misunderstandings in the relationship between us and our parents, and then our children. Often one hears reproaches, because it is always easier to shift the blame on someone than to take at least some responsibility on yourself. People do not understand each other, we, out of good intentions, through ourselves, do things in a way that would not be worth it. For example, an anal-visual mother, who does absolutely everything for the child, raises an ungrateful non-adaptive who is dissatisfied with life and is not accustomed to make efforts in it .. And the mother sincerely does not understand what went wrong, because everything was done for the child ..

Children with an anal vector, sitting in resentment until the very retirement, blame those around them for everything that they think they were not given. And the first in this list of accused, of course, are the parents. The soundman, who in his "fly away" does not see people around in principle .. And there are a lot of all sorts of moments ..

Is there a way out? there is. And indeed, gradually finding out, but not so much the circumstances as the vector. Child, parent - states of their vectors. Because of what, in fact, the claims, that is, not what is said, but the essence? Are grievances in the anal vector the root? The desire to emotionally swing in the visual? Or something else? Each of these "points" can be worked out and still build relationships ...

We have such results and there are many of them.

Resentment that develops into hatred of the mother - an excerpt from an online consultation with a psychologist (the name and location of the client have been changed to confidentiality) .

Question:

Hello.
Now I am 19 years old and my resentment towards my mother develops into hatred. It all started when I was in the 3rd grade, my parents went to work and left us with my brother and relatives, they didn’t really remember us, they called once a year and, as they say, thank you. The only thing that is unclear is where he was at that moment. maternal instinct, how can you leave children, knowing that relatives are drinkers. When I was in the 6th grade, she came back and started drinking, at that moment I belonged to myself, often left, I went to look for her, and when I found her, she said: "when will I take a break from you?" A year later, everything was fine. And when I left to study at the age of 15, everything was exactly how I live, all this time my dad supported me in every way, he became both mom and dad in one person for me. Now I don’t need anything from her, but I need her I felt very sorry that she was left alone, but I can’t talk to her calmly, I want to get rid of this resentment, but she constantly provokes her to become more and more.

Answer:

Hello Olga!

Hate is hurt love. The most important thing that you need to understand and accept is the fact that you have SUCH a mother. Do not have another one. Whether this is good or bad for you is an open question for me. It depends on what to compare with. Of course, there are other mothers, caring, loving, responsible. Personally, I can not boast of such a mother. But here I live somehow and even quite happily. Do you want to remake it, or do you want to rewrite your past? It's possible. If you start looking positive points in the fact that you have a mother at all and in the fact that it was thanks to her and dad that you were born. Do you value your life no matter who your parents are? And what you will fill your life with depends largely on you. Living with resentment and hatred is very difficult, but if you want, you can overcome these moments.

It is unlikely that your mother deliberately provokes you to cultivate resentment. This is her unpretentious way to get a portion of attention, care, love and energy to live on. Yes, the method is not effective and painful for you and for other people. You are entitled to any of your feelings. Just like a mother has the right to live her life that way. Negative experiences are your powerful energy reserve, which you have not yet mastered, it is difficult to master, but it is possible. You will become strong and wise, kind and understanding, you will become an adult. You also need to get rid of the guilt that the children of imperfect parents carry in themselves. You have already matured, in part, because you began to understand the pain of another person. You have your pain, she has hers. Heal your pain, you will help yourself and your mother.
Family is shared energy system. And if one of the elements of this system changes, other elements automatically begin to change, adjusting to new reality(moms, dads, brothers, sisters, etc.) This is exactly what happened in my family. Your mother loves you in her own way, and you will have the opportunity to see it! Do not wait instant results If you start working, then everything will come with time. It is very easy to be poor, sick, unhappy, offended, it is much more difficult to become GRATEFUL, happy, and therefore healthy and rich. I wish you this from the bottom of my heart.