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How to decide to leave or not. Fundamental differences in attitudes. Symbolic separation or a look at a partner from the outside

Any couple sooner or later encounters difficulties and, as a rule, persistently tries to cope with them. But is the game always worth the candle? How to understand that the best way out of a relationship crisis is to break up?

You have different goals

Even in the most hard times and in the moments of the hottest quarrels, the realization of a common goal becomes a lifeline for lovers. On the path to common dreams, conflicts and misunderstandings are possible, but the presence of these dreams determines the whole meaning of the path. If you want to become a mom soon and dream about own home and your lover does not count housing issue priority and believes that the main thing in life is a career, and children only interfere with it, ask yourself the question: what, in fact, unites you? Sexual attraction and a group of friends are great, but what do you both want out of life? Lack of common goals will inevitably become a stumbling block in your relationship and cause constant quarrels, and in the end, one day you will part, regretfully admitting that you are simply not on the way.

You constantly avoid sex.

Of course, if you have been together for several years, it is somewhat naive to expect from each other the passionate ardor of first dates and sex several times a day - the unrestrained drive eventually gives way to harmony, warmth and tenderness. Stress at work, fatigue and feeling unwell, but a completely different thing is the conscious avoidance of intimacy. If you notice that you are constantly looking for an excuse not to have sex with your chosen one, this is a rather serious signal.

You don't trust him

Treason or serious deception can not only provoke a crisis in the relationship, but also deprive you of the ability to trust your loved one. Restoring old trust can take years and requires a lot of mutual effort. True, sometimes no effort is sufficient to glue the broken happiness - and in this case it is necessary to find the courage and admit that it is time to put an end to the relationship. If bitter memories of betrayal continue to hurt you even after long time, and every step of the beloved leads to suspicion - seriously think about whether you need such torment. Keeping a relationship just for the sake of a relationship is not the best option.

Relationships hurt you

Any relationship is a job that is usually difficult and requires compromises. However, sometimes we confuse compromise with the habit of stepping on our own throat all the time. If the relationship crisis has dragged on, ask yourself: are you actually happy? What does this relationship give you - a feeling of warmth, comfort and security, or constant anxiety and unpleasant experiences? In the movie "Sex in big city"Charlotte answers this question very revealingly: in response to Samantha's statement that" relationships should not always make us happy, "she objects:" I am happy every day. Of course, not all day every day. But every day. " Samantha was inspired by this confession to end the relationship. The step is not easy and painful. But honest.

You quarrel for any reason

Without exaggeration - for any reason. This point is especially important if things that you previously took calmly enough become the reason for quarrels. If any little thing becomes a cause for conflict, and irritation causes everything - from his habit of singing in the shower (which previously seemed so cute) to his manner of driving a car, you should ask yourself what is happening. If chronic discontent is not related to external circumstances (for example, financial difficulties or a tense situation at work), then you cannot ignore him, and even more so if this dissatisfaction is mutual. It is possible that petty quarrels- just the tip of the iceberg, and in reality you are going through a crisis love relationship, the best way out of which, perhaps, is parting.

The girl offered to leave ... Maybe she was joking, said in her hearts, in a temper? At this moment, a lot of thoughts are running through your head - from grandiloquent “life has cracked” to everyday “no one to iron a shirt”. Turn on cognitive analysis and figure out what the girl means and how to proceed.

exponential gap

pause in relationship

parting true

The girl offered to leave: what does it mean

If a girl wants to break up, the idea of ​​getting drunk or getting lost in the arms of another is good, but not the best. First, wake up a psychologist, analyst and strategist in yourself to understand the reasons, of which there can be at least three.

Exponential gap

With the words “That's it, I'm tired, we need to part”, which flew from the lips at the moment of the fuse, they do not leave, but demonstrate emotions. The content of this "we need to part" can be anything - I want to handle, I want a fur coat, a little sex. Or banal PMS with its unmotivated destructive desires. Or the girl is testing you for manipulation. Or develops the practice of training (she left, you rushed after to fulfill Wishlist).

You need to be an empathetic partner who knows how to understand the moods of your “half”. If, on the whole, the relationship is prosperous, without "mutual pains, troubles and grievances," as Mayakovsky wrote, there is no threat. How to get out of an awkward situation when you were kicked with the heel, we will talk below.

Pause in a relationship

If the girl offered to leave, saying “We need to pause, live separately, understand ourselves,” do not panic. It probably is. Women are brave and straightforward creatures. They say what they think. A pause means a pause. Now, for some reason, she does not want to continue the relationship, but for some reason she cannot put a bold dot over the i.

Only you know why the girl took toothbrush(but left some things) and went to sort out herself. These could be quarrels from scratch. Or she got bored in the company of your desperate attempts to diversify her leisure time. Perhaps you bent your line and did not take her opinion into account. In general, say thank you for not sticking a note with the words "I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry" and did not sink into oblivion, like one of Carrie's boyfriends from the TV series "Sex and the City", but honestly talked to you, although she left behind a feeling of slight understatement.

Parting true

Sometimes girls decide to leave seriously, accumulating in memory enough reasons to break or, worse, meet a more convincing male. It is important to understand the following here. A girl who goes nowhere is tormented by doubts to the last. And at this very moment, while she is weighing and analyzing the correctness of the act, everything can be changed. If the reason for leaving was a competitor who, most likely, bypassed you, there is practically no chance. At least as long as they have candy-bouquet period... But something in this hopeless situation you can do it.


The girl asked to leave: how to act

So, she made a show of parting by turning on the "you are to blame" option. If you are really to blame, and she deliciously ate your brain about - take note of the entire list of reproaches, lower your eyes and hug her. In principle, the incident is over. The question is - do you need such a bitch who will continue to point to the door for every offense or slam it loudly? If you need it, bend over. Admit your guilt. Get better, stronger and higher. If leaving tricks happen regularly and out of the blue, report that the door opens in one direction.

Don't take her irrational lamentations to heart, but pay attention to real claims. In the absence of real claims, firmly and confidently stop manipulation.

Now about the pause in the relationship. Remember this: a pause is not just a pause. If a girl says “let's part for a while,” it should be understood that after this time, her ideas about you will not fundamentally change. The problem will not be solved by itself. The past, with all its grievances, will not go anywhere. Therefore, right now, during a pause, it is important to tighten up in order to revive the relationship. And if you continue to be a “mattress” and a “dog”, even the feeling that flared up again after separation will evaporate faster than boiling water.


Find out what caused the "pause". Admit you didn't live up to her expectations. Let them know that you value the relationship and want to keep it. During the "pause", continue to be attentive, sympathetic and caring.

In half of the cases, the suspension of relations ends with their complete termination. Nevertheless, 50% is a good chance not to give up.

If a girl wants to leave forever and informs about this not in the process of beating the sets, but over a cup of coffee in a cafe, where she invited you herself, she probably hatched the idea for a long time and thoroughly. Approximately three months, psychologists say. Here it is important to understand whether the horse is dead or not. It's time to get off or you can spur. But there is no need to go too far, turning from “ young man ordinary "in the written boyfriend who shows highest degree care and attention. Maintaining the degree of maximum return (time, money and effort) will not work for a long time, and it will still leave, having, of course, enjoying your gentlemanly agony.


If the reason for the breakup is another young man, save face, wish her happiness. Show that you respect her choice. Inform about your readiness to renew the relationship. Thank you for everything.

Keeping face in any situation is a quality that many people lack modern men... "Keeping face" means looking like a winner even when you actually lose.

Broke up with a girlfriend: how to forget and start living

Let go of the past - you get the future. This is the answer to the question "what to do if a girl broke up with me." Start small - delete her phone number, friend in social networks and stop watching her there. And here's a couple more practical advice under the heading "broke up with a girl, how to forget."


  • Scientists have found that the gap provokes the production of adrenaline in the body. It is a genetically determined stress response with concomitant symptoms of headache, fatigue, and anxiety. Getting rid of excess adrenaline is easy - lace up your sneakers and go to the gym.
  • Do you feel empty? Load the refrigerator delicious food... Products with tryptophan - found in cheese, fish, meat, mushrooms and nuts - will help cope with depression and blues. Caffeine, vitamin D and omega-3 fatty acids have antidepressant properties. A cup of coffee with chocolate, a good steak or grilled salmon is what you need now.
  • In general, congratulations. You are the lucky one who had the opportunity to start life with blank slate and to do what he wanted to do before, but it did not work out due to a banal lack of time (the relationship is a time-consuming resource). This is called freedom. Enjoy it, old chap.

So, if the girl offered to leave - don't believe, don't be afraid, don't ask. “I respect your decision, but I want to preserve our relationship,” your answer would at least discourage her. And even if everything is serious, and she really leaves, remember, life has no dead ends. There are traps into which we drive ourselves. And only the one who looks up conquers the peaks.

True, it is very difficult to part with loved ones and loved ones.

Women come to me in groups and for individual receptions, mostly with a problem in relationships. Treason, cooling of feelings, the absence of men in life, or do not offer to marry. Of course, every problem requires a different approach. But there is something that unites everything women's stories... The desire to be the only one and beloved!

Parting in love

When they come to me with a request to maintain a relationship, then, oddly enough, the first thing I do is offer to part, not physically, in any case, but emotionally. And someone really wants to part with a man, but there is no strength and internal readiness to leave him, although there is clear awareness that in these relations nothing good will happen and the person will not change, then all the more it is necessary to begin to emotionally part.

See how different female desires, in one case, the desire to maintain the relationship, and in the other, the desire to break them off in order to get rid of the harmful attachment. So why, with so many different requests, I start with a symbolic separation. It is symbolic because in your soul you “seem to part” with a person. This process is assisted by exercises and meditations that work in a magical way.

But, many women are frightened by distant prospects, the question arises: "What if I now do everything that you say, and the man disappears from my life?" I will try to explain what happens when a relationship breaks down but you want to keep it.

Why is it important in your heart to part with a man and let him go?

When you want to maintain a relationship, then for the most part you are strongly attached to a man and cannot imagine your life without him. Any attachment leads to the fact that your energy is spent on your feelings for a man. You scroll through conversations with him, what he said, what you answered, you think a lot about him and your relationship. And what happens to your energy at this moment - it goes to the object of your thoughts and thoughts. You charge him with your energy. You worry, take offense, get angry, and then again experience a surge of tenderness and love. Alas, at these moments your energy also goes to the object of your passion.

Your care and physical contact complete the circle of your energetic investments in your man. In this state, you are not so much in love with a man as attached to him. Any of our energy investments lead to our attachment. And what does a man feel?

Here is a very interesting picture. How stronger woman attached to a man, the more acutely the man feels his uselessness. Why?

Yes, because any excessive attachment leads to high expectations, and if they are not justified, resentments are born that destroy the relationship. Women's reproaches, claims, statements are mainly due to a lack of love and attention. It is the lack of love that makes a woman unhappy and eternally dissatisfied. And a man sees only one thing in a woman's discontent - I am not needed, I am bad.

Symbolic separation or a look at a partner from the outside

So it turns out that in order to establish a relationship, you need to stop waiting for love from a man. But this can be done only when you symbolically part with him, live at the level of the soul, as befits the pain of parting, not even so much with him as with your expectations, an unfulfilled dream of great and bright love. After inner work your morbid attachment to the man will pass, respectively, discontent will go away.

And only after that it is possible to establish relations. Rather, they will no longer need to be adjusted, they themselves, imperceptibly for you, will begin to improve. Women are surprised to tell how men change before their eyes, how they become kinder and more attentive, how they begin to show attention. And this happens only when a woman lets go of the situation, stops waiting for love from a man, switching her focus of attention from a love relationship to herself.

There are couples who even deliberately part with each other in order to improve relations later. But personally, I do not welcome physical separation, this is not the most The best way to improve relations, on the contrary there is Great chance that you will part, although of course it happens in a different way. But still, it is better to start not with a physical separation, but with an emotional one. After parting for real, physically, this does not guarantee similar processes in the soul.

Starting a symbolic separation, you must understand that if in the soul of your man there was no love for you in recent times, then, feeling liberated with joy, he will run away from you. So what, then, worry, your relationship was kept only by you. And you let them go, and they crumbled. Moreover, in such a relationship, a woman is destroyed at all basic levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

It also happens that, symbolically parting, you yourself understand that the man is already a stranger to you. With a symbolic separation, it becomes possible to see a partner from the side. This means that you either discover the path to love and respect, or understand that this is not your person.

There is no constancy in life

Of course, every couple where there was love, after separation, has a chance to resume the relationship. But for this you need to completely change your life priorities and fully understand yourself. Symbolic separation helps to sort out true feelings. And from one stage of the relationship it is painless to move to another, more conscious and filled with bright colors.

The problem is that we want to perpetuate our love. When two hearts are attracted to each other, the most delightful period of falling in love begins. A person is inspired by his feelings and tries to give love to his soul mate every second. And it seems to us that it will always be like this, we are sure that we have finally met our true love.

But no one thinks that time passes and everything changes. No matter how ideal your relationship is, they, one way or another, go through their natural development. And, despite the fact that all the lovers who decided to unite their hearts are convinced that their love euphoria will last forever, unfortunately, this is impossible.

Why part with a loved one?

Love, like all feelings, is reborn over time. One period is followed by another, sometimes the relationship comes to a standstill. But a person persistently does not want to accept any changes and begins to doubt the correctness of his choice. At such moments, it seems that feelings have faded away, love was not real, and the relationship has long outlived its usefulness. It is because of this that partings and betrayals happen.

Any separation is accompanied by the fear of loneliness, the pain of loss and disappointment, but after parting with previous illusions, we discover a deeper emotional level... We experience loss and separation in order to understand the versatility of our feelings. Only by realizing true motives our relationship, we can know the depth of our feelings.

But we are so afraid of pain and loneliness that we do not want to live these unpleasant moments... It seems to us that it is easier and safer to shut the door in your heart and live your own life. There is another no less destructive way - to constantly nag a man, demand love and fight with him for his innocence.

Indeed, it is not easy to part with the feeling of falling in love, as well as to realize that the former you, as well as the former partner, are no longer there. But if you do not survive the inner loss, then the path to true feelings will be closed. But we really want to experience true love.

When love fades away and it seems that the relationship can no longer be saved, many ask me: “What to do and how to live further? Is it worth continuing to continue your relationship with this person? "

I always advise you to wait, do not rush with final decision... It takes time to fully realize whether this is your person or not. Any relationship has periods of stagnation and development, so you shouldn't jump to conclusions. Do not try to immediately fill the spiritual void with new hobbies and novels. Just be alone with yourself, experience painful disappointment. Only after going through this difficult time, you will be able to understand whether you are ready to continue the relationship with this person.

Everything comes in due time for those who know how to wait

Most of us do not have enough composure and patience to calmly survive the separation, hence the betrayal that undermines the trust that is so difficult to restore. Symbolic separation helps to look at the relationship from the outside and accept the right decision... But when starting this journey, it is important to remember about mutual respect. Performance conjugal duties allows you to maintain existing relationship saving them from the final break.

After experiencing all the pain and suffering that symbolic separation brings, you will be free from painful attachment and dependencies. Only by gaining inner freedom, you can understand whether you need this person or not. If your partner is still dear to you, then on healthy soil of mutual respect and acceptance of each other, you can build new relationships.

The most important thing is to avoid extremes. You should not move away from your partner and start romances on the side. Do not try to immediately start looking for the other half. And even more so, you can't cling to a man and build a crumbling relationship in agony. It is important to calmly go through the period of symbolic separation and make it a rule not to destroy or build relationships. Start your journey and focus only on yourself. To understand how you can get over the pain of parting and let go of the past, my 6-month program for women "The Way Home" will help.

Our the main task learn to endure the pain of parting, understand yourself and find peace of mind. It is necessary with dignity to open the way for new and more deep feeling... Therefore, you should not be afraid to part in your soul with a man, hopes, desires and dreams. Open your heart to new life, relationships and love!

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey.