Love and relationships at a distance. Is it worth maintaining love several hundred kilometers apart? "Former" and "current". Painful attachment to ex

Knowing when to quit and when to move on is key to emotional survival.

Until we are 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because in a few years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that it is very painful to part. It is clear that you are trying to preserve the relationship: there is always hope that they will change for the better.

Not everyone has the courage to ruin a relationship the moment it actually ends. Here are 21 signs that "finita la comedy", if it has not yet arrived, is already very, very close. If at least four points out of all you say: "This is about us," - think about parting more seriously than usual.

1. Resentment

You constantly resent your partner, but don't say anything. You think that this is how you preserve your relationship, but in reality you only delay that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negative will break out and your connection will end in a painful break.

Resentment does not go anywhere, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it does not spill out, it means that it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, it destroys the relationship - slowly but surely.

2. Disrespect

If you and your partner have reached the point where you show mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop feeling affection for someone who disrespects you.

People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of the value of each other, which leads to an absolute indifference about the needs and desires of a partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?

3. Contempt

It doesn't matter what motives sparked contempt, whether it's a failed career, a change in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because is it not this warmth that we need so much under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.

If you began to treat each other with contempt, no longer get warmth from the relationship and live not with a friend who understands, but with a cold being who condemns you, why continue?

4. Lies

I'm talking about that lies when you say to a person: "I love you" without feeling any feelings. You are afraid of hurting him, but you are not really protecting him, but only making it worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie all your life and at the same time not ruin it for yourself and your partner.

Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us,” when you feel that everything is over for you, this is also an escape from reality.

5. Mistrust

If you don't trust your partner, then there is a reason for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be restored, why stay with this person? All your life to check, worry and waste your nerves?

6. Swearing in public

All the good things you can say about your partner can be said in public. And all the bad things are better left for private conversations. To scold a person in public means to achieve only a negative response or a hidden resentment.

In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to splash out.

7. Distance

You have already severed the emotional connection with your partner and thus "gently" let him know that it's over. Maybe it’s better to do it right away, and not create suffering and doubt?

8. Demanding proof of love

"If you love me, you ..." It is very tempting to manage a person's life in this way, and if you occasionally hear this phrase, then something went wrong.

The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and some of your actions have nothing to do with it.

Well, if you yourself say so, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And can you manipulate someone you really love?

9. Public humiliation

If your partner humiliated you in society once, with very likely he will do it over and over again. It doesn't matter that he drank a lot that evening or was in a bad mood.

Public humiliation of a partner speaks only of deep self-loathing, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not fix the situation without his firm desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to fix, but even to admit.

10. Obsession with another person

If your partner is obsessed with another person - it doesn't matter if he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a breakup.

Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but being obsessed with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.

Yes, your partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you can hardly give it to him. And you certainly shouldn't cheat on yourself for the sake of another person.

11. Obsession with pornography

There is nothing strange or wrong with partners watching porn together. Some semblance of voyeurism helps to get aroused and find something new to try later in bed with a partner.

But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail multiple orgasms, he may end up on the path of perversion.

So, if you are not satisfied with such alignments, think about the root cause of this obsession, and about the possible consequences.

12. Emotional infidelity

Some people believe that monogamy is the only thing possible variant relationships, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.

If you have changed for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be maintained, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it’s time to end the relationship.

The first question people ask when they find out about their partner's infidelity is, "Do you love him / her?" Because it is emotional, not physical connection is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then you have nothing else to do here.

13. Inability to end the conflict

It starts as an endless struggle without reaching a consensus, which gradually develops into "as you want", when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.

There is a rule: never go to bed offended at each other. And there is definitely something in him.

If none of the partners can pacify their pride and desire to always be the winner in an argument, cannot go to a truce without achieving their goal, this relationship has no continuation.

14. Subconscious

If you unknowingly do things that harm your relationship, your psyche tells you what you really need.

You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of real desires better than all your assurances and hopes.

15. Obsession

If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he / she is a shopaholic, gambler, workaholic, or obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even in fifth place and will not get that emotional connection that I would like.

If you don't have an obsession, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.

16. Painful attachment to ex

If your partner still maintains more than a close relationship with an ex-girlfriend or husband / wife, this destroys the relationship.

Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have common children, but the first role is still assigned to the current partner. If it doesn't, it’s easy to feel secondary and unnecessary, and this is a direct path to rupture.

17. Threats and emotional blackmail

it clear sign unhealthy relationships. Emotional blackmail is often touted as strong love but in reality it is control. And control, in turn, is an abuse of the senses. You have to run from this as far as you can see.

18. Constant comparison and ratings

Is your partner comparing you to someone who looks more attractive, makes more money, is smarter and more interesting than you? This is a form of humiliation. If someone thinks that the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let them go there.

People are unique creatures, although in many respects they are similar. You shouldn't compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.

19. Indifference

Why stay together if you don't care about each other?

20. Loss of attachment

There is nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more out of a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't your only partner. Don't just stay because you're comfortable.

21. Physical abuse

There are no excuses, no explanations, no circumstances or promises matter. You just have to leave.

In general, conflict in relationships is a way to get rid of pain, but the reasons for them can vary. It can be a way to open up an abscess of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in a relationship, in order to clean out the wound, remove what is in the way, and save the relationship.

But it also happens in a different way, when conflicts are a way to break off relations, inform the other person that they are over, that it is no longer worth tormenting each other.

And it is better to learn to distinguish some conflicts from others, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.

Tells family psychologist, consultant for interpersonal relationships, director of the dating agency "Me and you" Elena Kuznetsova.

If there is a "connecting link"

Friendship Supported former couples, is natural only if these people are connected by something after parting, for example, a child or a common business, the psychologist believes.

Most often, women are jealous of the former, who, and on the emotions of the ladies, often put forward tough ultimatums to their partners. This is not always correct, because assertive actions can only achieve results from weak men accustomed to obey. A normal man will not be happy with your requirements.

Kuznetsova agrees that sometimes there really is: if a couple was once tied strong feelings, then, it is likely that they have not completely died out. And looking at a child, a man still thinks about ex-wife... It's another matter if his lady is already in a new relationship, or the family has never had special love- there is no cause for concern here.

"Struggling" with a rival, do not restrict the man harshly, because he still cannot stop seeing the child or leave a common ex-wife business. Act softly: you can cry, be sad, even talk about your fears. You can, again in a mild form, propose an alternative. For example, not to go to the ex to communicate with the child in her house, but to take the baby to her place for the weekend.

The new woman should be fully armed and if the man is still not indifferent to her. It is carefully worth finding out from the chosen one what he liked in a past relationship and what he lacked. After that, try to give your partner everything he needs: care, attention, sex, etc.

When nothing connects

If " connecting link"No, but the man still often communicates with his ex, or even former passions, saying that after parting with everyone, he remained in good relationship, this is cause for concern.

“You can't even name such a man. This is a man-woman, he is for everyone best friend... Or is it a womanizer, and you are another passable option for him. With a high degree of probability, we can say that such a man does not just see his ex, but meets with them for sex, ”notes Kuznetsova.

If a man communicates in a friendly way not with all the exes, but with only one woman, this relationship is still unnatural.

“If nothing connects people, what is the point of maintaining a relationship? Consult, talk about your personal life? And how then to look into the eyes of the current passion? " - continues the psychologist.

Kuznetsova explains that there is no pure, it is always based on something, either on feelings that have not yet cooled down, or on some kind of benefit, which does not necessarily mean something material. For example, a man likes to talk to his ex because she has a calming effect on him. But then another question arises, why is your partner looking for consolation not from you, but from a previous passion.

The psychologist's verdict is this: communication with exes, when there is no "connecting link" between them, is abnormal. And this must be fought.

To start new girl you need to find out for what purpose her man is dating his ex. Carefully, without unnecessary emotions, several times, "driving up" with different sides, ask the same question. Some time should pass between questions. If a man always gives the same answer, then his current lady needs to think why she cannot give her chosen one what her ex gives him. We must try to rectify the situation.

If the answers are different, then the man is probably cheating on you. And, most likely, his meeting with the ex.

You can also call a man to straight Talk and explain to him that you are unpleasant about his communication with your ex. It is possible that your chosen one even naively did not suspect about this and for your sake will break with his past.

Doesn't the Internet count?

Often, communication with exes takes place on the Internet. Often men are voiced new woman complaints about this, they ask you not to make an elephant out of a fly, because "this is just the Internet."

Here is very a fine line, and situations are different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. Shows the correspondence, from which it is clear that they communicate with the ex very rarely, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.

Another thing is that a man denies everything, and he disappears on the Internet in the evenings, and his communication with his ex is very close. And let it be not about real, but about virtual relationship, emotionally he is all the same with the other. With a real woman, he can be, for example, for the sake of a bed or "saucepans".

Useful information

Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency "Me and you", family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.

“It sounds funny, but in this situation real woman finds himself even in a less advantageous situation than a virtual one, with which a man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves this way, then he is bored with his new woman. He does not receive what he receives from the previous chosen one, ”the psychologist states.

A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first displace and then replace her virtual girlfriend, because interesting communication- it is a rarity. Just do not use under any circumstances assertive tactics, if we are talking about a normal man, but not . Rigidity can simply lead to a breakup, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Do not hysteria, do not invent something that does not exist” - that is, he already sets up blockers. If a woman continues to pound on a locked door, she faces even more aggression.

If you have questions to psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the address of the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected]

Everyone wants to beloved was near: to see him, to hear, to touch. But it so happens that between two loving friend a friend with people, a barrier of thousands of kilometers and several weeks or months arises. How to be in such a situation? Endure the days of separation for the sake of several meetings a year or break off the relationship so as not to suffer?

This is how the circumstances developed

Have you been dating for a long time or even live together, but the circumstances are such that one of you will have to study or work in another city or, possibly, a country. It is clear that you most likely will not be able to see each other once a week on weekends. And it will probably be several months before you can hug each other.

In such a situation, everyone feelings decide and prospects. If you have known your lover for a long time, if you are confident in your feelings for him, and in his feelings for you, then the distance will not be the reason why you will have to break off the relationship. In addition, if, looking into the future, you or he will see the prospects for eliminating the obstacle separating you, then it is worthwhile to endure even a few years, for the sake of future happiness. Moreover, modern facilities connections will help you smooth out the separation at least a little. And although even a video call via Skype will not replace, of course, live communication, but, nevertheless, it will give an opportunity not only to hear, but also to see each other. And how joyful your meeting will be after long separation!

But the hardest part is relationship at a distance is to maintain the confidence of loyalty. It is difficult to give any advice here, because sometimes even own feelings difficult to predict, let alone the emotions of another person. However, the inner flair will never deceive loving person... That is why the intonation of the voice, the frequency of calls can tell something about the life of the beloved.

The main thing- do not rush to think up unpleasant pictures for yourself, be jealous if he suddenly dropped the call or did not call at the appointed hour and in no case show his jealousy. After all, the more often one of the lovers stutters about treason, the more he leads another to think about it. Also, you do not need to constantly whimper and complain about how you miss you. This will not make your soul mate any easier, so why bore him. In the end, you can provoke discouragement that you want to dispel with something, like going to a disco, or even go to extreme measures and break off an oppressive relationship.

So as not to test such sensations, try to occupy yourself with some useful activities that you put off while spending time with your loved one. For example, sign up for a sewing course or start going to a foreign language school, take up gymnastics. In a word, start improving yourself to please him even more. Show him and yourself that you are a strong person who can cope with difficulties. And with such a person, you can safely go through life together, because he will always support.

Look for ways cut distance. Maybe you need to move to another job, perhaps even with a change, transfer to a branch of the institute in the city where he is now, or find an opportunity for him to return to his former place.

Besides, parting can even serve for the good, becoming a kind of test of strength. Therefore, being away from each other, each of you has time to reflect on your feelings. And we can say with confidence that those who truly love each other will in every way try to maintain their relationship, try to see each other more often and do everything to be together again.

And, on the contrary, sometimes distance reveals the frivolity of feelings. Living thousands of kilometers, some of the lovers, and perhaps both, understand that they are not bad without a soul mate. Didn't call, well, okay. Didn't write, so what. If you have such thoughts, then, most likely, this relationship should not continue. You need to talk frankly and come to an agreement that you have different paths.

It's for the best

It so happens that having met, for example, at a resort or in a sanatorium or on the net, you have fallen in love. Should this relationship continue? There is no definite answer. Indeed, just as a long romance can end in failure, so seemingly fleeting meetings can become a marriage for life. The only thing that can be said with certainty is that there is no need to bet on finding happiness in resort beach... If you are really in love, you can, of course, try. But do not flatter yourself too much. And it is precisely the distance and time that will show you whether it is your happiness or not.

As a rule, parting with former lovers, we swear to ourselves to stay in good relations, keep in touch, not get lost, come to the rescue, and indeed in case of a breakdown, unless, of course, this is a scandal accompanied by smashing dishes and things thrown from the balcony, we are honestly going to remain friends and ... we stop communicate in general. It turns out that to break off the relationship, to get lost, even with the most warm feelings to each other, that's okay. We have already said everything, found out everything, and literally in a few moments became strangers to each other. Not so long ago, scientists at the New Zealand Clinical Center stated that only people with mental problems maintain friendship with former lovers. The study of scientists involved 850 volunteers. The professionals asked them a series of detailed questions about their previous relationship. In particular, the respondents had to tell about the reasons for the breakup and about contacts with a former partner after the breakup. Having thoroughly studied the behavior of each of the respondents, experts found out - warm, friendly relations with ex-partners, only people who suffer different kinds mental disorders.

The woman wants to be friends with her ex because she still hopes. A man because he hopes for sex.

An interesting fact: the ulterior motives why people want to be friends with their ex differ dramatically between men and women. If a woman who wants to "be friends", as a rule, is not able to realize that the romance is over and it is time to move on, then the man looks at the situation without illusions, and wants to remain friends solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. So you should not be hopeful - such a friendship, combined with sexual intercourse, can drag on for years, but no qualitative changes it will never follow.

Two are always to blame for the breakdown of a relationship, this truth is as old as the world, so it is no surprise that after a tragic (or not so) ending, there is no desire to maintain a relationship, even if you do not immediately rush into the next romance.

Experts say that the greatest care should be taken just towards those who insist on maintaining a friendly relationship. All the more so - sexy.

The eagerness of a man to turn into your "girlfriend", to shorten the already tiny distance as much as possible - sign of narcissism, and even if now you smiled condescendingly, they say, every second in our country is a narcissist, think: narcissism is quite real mental disorder, which has nothing to do with excessive self-confidence or the need to always and everywhere look your best. Such a concept as narcissism was first introduced into psychology by Sigmund Freud. One of the main signs of narcissism is bright pronounced feeling possessiveness: Break up? Let go? How is it, this is mine! You must admit that it is not very pleasant to be completely owned by someone, we still live in a free country.

Another option is your ex-psychopath. Yes, yes, this also happens, some deviations may not be noticed, and if doubts still arise in your head, you immediately throw them away, writing off strange behavior your partner to be too emotional. Meanwhile, psychopaths are also owners, however, unlike narcissists, their sense of possessiveness quite coexists with a painful attachment to a soul mate, unfounded jealousy, attacks of aggression or bouts of despondency, so that, most likely, agreeing to friendship with a psychopath, you doom yourself to endless tantrums, which will only become more frequent over time. In addition, it is not uncommon for former partners looking for an opportunity to get at least some benefit from us, in other words - if it did not work out with love, you need to "shake off" everything else, including, by the way, sex.

It's a little different with women. This is how the psyche of many of us is arranged that sometimes it is quite difficult for men to distinguish whether a lady is simply the owner of an obnoxious and capricious character, or she really has a problem with her head. Our need for friendship with our ex is often a result of deep emotional attachment... We, especially if our feelings, unlike those of a partner, have not yet died out, are happy to accept the new rules "now we are friends" one at a time the only reason: it seems to us that if the ex-boyfriend remains in our field of vision, sooner or later he will return. This is not the case, especially if the "person opposite" tender feelings does not feed you for a long time, over time friendly connection will simply begin to annoy him, the relationship will end completely, and you will have to long time to be treated for depression. Most easy way forget the one you still love - run as fast and far as possible.

And yet, even taking into account the research of scientists, one should not think that your man, falling into the category of the former, immediately becomes mortally dangerous, by no means, your ex does not become a maniac, but it would still be nice to keep his ear sharp, in After all, which of us wants to be used, hurt, abandoned? A warm relationship- why not? After all, we live in a civilized world, cultural separation is in vogue today, especially if you were not tied simply romantic relationship, and years of marriage or even children. The main thing is not to strive for rapprochement, because friendship between a man and a woman, as you know, does not exist at all.

Each of us wants to love and be loved, but not everyone succeeds. What's the problem? Psychologists help answer this question by compiling a list of rules that must be followed in order to maintain and improve relationships with people close to you.

1. You should know what your other half thinks about your relationship. You don't want to fall in love with someone who is not going to be frank with you, do you?

2. Don't confuse love and sex. Sex and passion are often mistaken for love at the beginning of a relationship.

3. You need to know what you want out of the relationship and talk openly about it with your partner. Many men and women are afraid to speak openly about their desires and try to hide them. The result is a feeling of frustration because you are not getting what you want. Relationships are not a guessing game. Closeness is not possible without honesty.

4. You must be one team. With different skills, data and capabilities, you should strive for the same goal.

5. Learn to respect your partner, along with all his differences from yourself. There are no identical people. And life is interesting because we are all different.

6. Don't put up with your partner's shortcomings. Ideal people do not exist, and much depends on how we will treat the shortcomings of others: to put up with them, to try to correct them. If something does not suit you, then speak openly about it. Let your partner explain why they do this. Only then can you come to an agreement.

7. Solve all problems as soon as they arise. If you put off solving problems on the back burner, then they will turn into an avalanche that will not leave a trace of your relationship.

8. Learn to negotiate. The times when the parents chose the bride are over. Now the culture of relations between a man and a woman plays a much smaller role than before. It all depends on you.

9. Learn to listen to your partner. Then he will have a sense of support.

10. Work to create a sense of closeness. Intimacy never appears on its own. When she is not there, people become uninteresting to each other.

11. Share your plans for the future with each other. Don't think of a wedding as an agreement that will help you spend the rest of your life together.

12. Maintain personal hygiene. Don't underestimate the role she plays in your relationship.

13. Don't forget about sex. This is one of important elements your relationship. Conversations under one blanket after good sex create a feeling of closeness.

14. Never go to bed if you feel negative feelings... Try to get rid of them before bed.

15. Don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Each of us makes mistakes, and the sooner you fix them, the better.

16. You should depend on each other, but this dependence should not be in everything. Complete dependence on your partner makes both unhappy.

17. Maintain Self-Esteem and Feeling dignity... It will be easier for your other half to love you if you love yourself.

18. Beautify your relationship with new interests. Try a sport that none of you have played before.

19. Collaborate with each other. Share responsibilities. The more honest your cooperation, the closer your relationship will be.

20. Take your health seriously. Good health- the key to the success of any relationship.

Based on materials from Psychology Today

Prepared by Alexander Timoshik