The mother-in-law is jealous of her son for her grandson. If the mother-in-law is weak. What side does the husband take in the family triangle?

The confrontation that has existed between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law since the creation of the world has a real explanation. Usually older woman walking on occasion of her character, and the youngest does not want to understand her. But why two soul mates so fiercely hate each other? After all, both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law love the same man, although different love. Where, then, in such a situation, does the reason for enmity come from? So, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: the psychology of relationships is the topic of conversation for today.

Even if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not outwardly show antipathy towards each other, very often their communication resembles a temporary and fragile truce or armed neutrality. And, as you know, both are fraught with destructive military operations in the future. According to psychologists, the reason for the relationship, which has long become the talk of the town, often lies in the personality traits of the “second mother”. Therefore, all daughters-in-law who cannot boast of a cloudless relationship with their husband's mother must first determine what type their mother-in-law belongs to, and then, with the help of the recommendations of specialists, try to mitigate the situation. In principle, this is not so difficult to do. There would be a desire. After extensive research, psychologists divided the "evil" mothers-in-law into four groups.

domineering

It would be more accurate to call this woman the owner. Such a mother-in-law is absolutely sure that all her household members, that is, her husband and children, belong to her undividedly as movable property - on a par with her real estate, whether it is a summer house, a car and other benefits of civilization.

This type is pretty easy to install. As a rule, such a woman voluntarily assumes the functions of the head of the family, and this immediately catches the eye of everyone who enters her house. But it should be noted that this usually happens with the full connivance of the male part of the family. henpecked husbands and sissy is the end product of her domestic expansion.

Now imagine what will happen to this woman if she arrives at the dacha in winter and catches a homeless person there or, running out into the yard to the sounds of the alarm, grabs the sleeve of a slob-teenager picking her car. Yes, she will tear apart anyone who dares to encroach on her personal property! And is it necessary to explain that she will treat her daughter-in-law in the same way, who, like an impudent thief, took and stole the precious boy from her. Only in this case, the situation is aggravated by the fact that the homeless and the hijacker can be punished with the help of law enforcement agencies and thereby satisfy the offended pride. Unfortunately, you can't put a daughter-in-law in jail for a stamp in her passport. It remains only to keep a stone in her bosom for her and live with the hope that she will someday return the stolen property as unnecessary. Such is the psychology of relationships ...

daughter-in-law advice

Try as little as possible to visit your mother-in-law at home with your husband. Do not encourage your husband to visit his mother alone. But ending the relationship completely is also bad - it will only exacerbate your confrontation. It is best if you invite your mother-in-law to visit you more often. In foreign territory, she will feel less confident. And the sight of your strong family nest will eventually make her come to terms with the fact that her son has his own personal life, to which her “certificate of ownership” does not apply.

jealous

There is a less common type of jealousy - when a woman is jealous of all people without exception from her immediate environment, regardless of their gender and age. The peculiarity of her character is such that she has been doing this all her life. As a child, he is jealous of a teacher for a classmate, and younger sister- to parents. Having become an adult, she is jealous of a neighbor from below to a neighbor on the side, the boss - to a colleague, and her older brother - to his wife. And, of course, if this woman becomes a mother-in-law, she will definitely be jealous of her son for his chosen one. Unfortunately, getting rid of this feeling is much more difficult than getting rid of jealousy "out of love." Here, there is always food for jealousy - you just need to look around and choose your next object for exercises in masochism. This is the most frequent situation, in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law find themselves - the psychology of relationships based on jealousy is given most attention specialists.

daughter-in-law advice

As mentioned above, psychologists do not advise letting the husband go alone to visit the mother-owner. But in this case, the recommendation will be just the opposite. Let your husband visit his mother more often alone. Let the mother-in-law fully enjoy the company of her son. Thus, your husband will be able to pacify the jealousy of his mother-in-law and create the preconditions for your peaceful coexistence.

Weak

This type of woman is insecure. It seems to her that she is such a defenseless creature that she cannot live a day without a strong male shoulder. But circumstances develop in such a way that there is no shoulder nearby - for various reasons. Maybe she really is a lonely person - a single mother, a divorcee or a widow. Or maybe she has a legal husband or a cordial friend, but she is not suitable for the role of hope and support. But at weak woman There is unmarried son, who carries heavy bags of groceries for her, takes her to the clinic and meets her near the metro when she returns from guests late in the evening. Well, how will this woman relate to her daughter-in-law, who will take over the time of her son and even take the caring boy out of the family?

daughter-in-law advice

Make sure that the mother-in-law does not feel a change in her status as a guardian. Keep bringing her groceries, fixing her plumbing, and walking her home when she's visiting you. And don't grumble at your husband if he comes to visit his mother for an hour or two after work. If the mother-in-law understands that filial attention has not become less, she will begin to treat you much warmer.

old fashioned

By virtue of the patriarchal upbringing she inherited, this woman, with all her desire, is not able to treat all subsequent generations with approval. She perceives her daughter-in-law's miniskirt and ringed ears as a personal insult, and even the raspberry color of your hair will become an unconditional reason to declare you persona non grata in her house. She not only does not understand your musical tastes and considers young people's views on sexual relations to be immoral. Such a mother-in-law is pre-configured that a good family with a modern girl cannot be created under any circumstances.

daughter-in-law advice

Every time you communicate with your mother-in-law, do not abuse bright makeup and avant-garde outfits. And who knows, maybe not only a strict mother-in-law will like a classic chiffon blouse with a lace collar? It is possible that your husband will begin to admire you even more. Visit your mother-in-law together and take care of your husband in her presence. And in a conversation at the table, do not scold "stagnant" times, do not use words from youth jargon. It is quite possible that your modest behavior, in the end, will melt the heart of an implacable conservative.

She is not a couple for you - such a statement, according to ordinary people, is the most familiar one that can be heard from a mother-in-law. Therefore, do not pay attention to it. However, the mother who says this to her son always clearly knows why she thinks so.

The first reason, which is also the main one, is the fear of losing a place and significance in the heart of your child. After all, the mother from the birth of her son was there, wiped her nose and tears, dressed, fed, watered, bathed, walked. This list can be continued indefinitely. At this time, no one is more expensive and more beloved than mom for the boy was not. And now he has grown, and he needs to be given to another woman. Psychologists say that powerful and authoritarian mothers are subject to this behavior. After all, she was used to deciding for her son what to do, with whom and where to meet, when to return home and where to spend the money she earned. With the advent of a wife, the situation changes radically. Mom is almost completely from the life of her grown offspring. And that's what's bothering her.

In this situation, the mother-in-law considers the daughter-in-law to be a homemaker and tries with all her might to regain her son's disposition. Anything can be used - blackmail, pity, threats, insults, etc. If the son has enough willpower, then he is not led to such provocations. However great amount young families can not withstand such an onslaught. Moreover, such a situation can arise even if the bride for her son was chosen and approved by the mother herself.

The second is the unwillingness to give up positions to another woman. As a rule, not just an authoritarian woman suffers from such problems, but a domineering and lonely one. She put all of herself into the child, sacrificed her personal life for him. In such mothers, psychologists admit, the framework of personal relationships is blurred. They partly treat their son as their man. And the appearance of his wife is regarded as a family. It is very, very difficult to deal with such a mother-in-law. After all, her child is her property. So, without a fight, and a bloody one, she will not give him up.

Another reason for the jealousy of the mother-in-law is her high self-esteem. For such a mother, the daughter-in-law will always be one step lower: it will be worse to cook, and, and iron, and even wash the floor than the mother-in-law. She will always find something to compare with so that her mother finds herself in a more favorable light. Of course, such behavior of parents does not strengthen the young family.

Also, the reason for the jealousy of the mother of a man can be banal envy. Young people still go through the stages of development of the novel, when they want to hold hands, talk stupid nonsense to each other, constantly hug and kiss. In most cases, this period is very far behind for mothers-in-law, and she simply pathologically cannot stand all these tendernesses. Hence the scandals, and the demands to get out of sight, etc.

Psychologists recommend young families not to take such mother-in-law attacks to heart. You can hardly re-educate an adult. However, you should not allow yourself to be pushed around either. Just activate all your feeling dignity and do not go on about the mother-in-law. After all, your negative is exactly what she seeks to once again put the daughter-in-law in front of her husband in an unsightly light.

Why mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become rivals?

Hello dear readers. About the rivalry of two women, mother and wife, for Special attention the only beloved man, I wrote a lot. And I will continue to write. After all, this topic is inexhaustible and sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, when two women cannot share one man, and with him a child.

So it turns out - a family triangle, which is much worse than a love triangle. After all love triangle can be broken, but from the family you need to look for a way out. But they do not always want to look for a side. They prefer to openly conflict or secretly take offense and accumulate resentment.

Why is the mother-in-law jealous

It's no secret that many relationship problems arise because of banal jealousy. Jealousy that corrodes a person from the inside and is looking for a way out. And whichever way jealousy finds, such will be the consequences. Indeed, often the mother-in-law believes that.

So it turns out that both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can consider each other rivals, and this can negatively affect. Most often, the mother-in-law is jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law and this spoils life. own child. How is it, she thinks, now another woman is next to her son. Can she take better care of him than me? Can she cook, wash, iron better than me?

And for young and lovers like everyday problems do not have such a priority as for the mother-in-law. And don't focus on them. Do not torment senselessly both yourself and your daughter-in-law.

Plain maternal jealousy- a normal, natural feeling, as long as it does not go beyond the reasonable. And then she starts to look just ugly. Why would you compete with another woman for the attention of your own son? He must find time for both women, and he loves both, only with different loves. And therefore, there should be no reason for jealousy.

Jealousy of the daughter-in-law

And the other woman - the wife is also jealous. But it's not just jealousy, it's competition. A young woman constantly competes with a more experienced one, and strives to get constant attention beloved man. Here, most often the cause of jealousy is the thought: "Now he is mine and only mine." This position is most often manifested in possessive behavior, where only the full attention of the spouse becomes important, and even the thought that he can care for or worry about someone else is not allowed.

And when a child appears, the same possessive feeling appears in relation to the child. I often read that mothers are jealous of their children for their grandmothers. Of course, this is not entirely jealousy, but rather a sense of ownership - "this child is mine, and only mine." Do you know this feeling? What to do? Some tips.

And what side does the husband take in the family triangle?

I won't be able to sort it out, but I'll try to at least try. I never get tired of saying that my blog is mostly read by future mothers-in-law, so I write for them.

Conflicts will arise as long as the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law consider each other competitors. Conflicts can be avoided if the daughter-in-law learns to perceive the mother-in-law as the mother of her husband, and the mother-in-law - the daughter-in-law as the woman her son loves.

Putting the question - "either she or I" - is a dead end from which there is no correct, painless way out.

One should always try to find in a person good qualities. If your son chose a girl, then she deserves him. I do not understand those mothers-in-law who consider daughters-in-law unworthy of their sons. Of course, anything in life happens. But if a young family lives peacefully and happily, why interfere and create conflict situations.

Also do not understand when some for no apparent reason. It is not necessary to come out of anger with a lot of intelligence, but to step over petty jealousy, to rise above this - here strength of mind is needed.

And if the conflict has already arisen and continues long time, a man must definitely intervene so as not to destroy his own family. Young people in this case need to learn to build their personal boundaries, the boundaries of their family. And the son can firmly and clearly tell his mother: “Mom, I love you very much, but this is our family and we will solve our problems with my wife.”

Otherwise, situations may arise, which I will write about next time. Subscribe to updates so as not to miss the most interesting.

Advice from psychologists on the topic "I'm jealous of my husband for my mother-in-law." The main causes of occurrence and methods for solving this problem.

The situation that almost all young families face is the mutual antipathy between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. If the conflict is not resolved in time, it will lead to sad consequences.

The constantly arising feelings of jealousy and hatred for the husband's mother will certainly affect the relationship with him.

The situation that has arisen must be overcome in order to preserve peace in the family. You will have to solve the problem, because no matter what the mother of your chosen one is, he will not have another.

If a woman gets into the habit of making claims and demanding the termination of relations with her unloved mother-in-law, the tortured husband will eventually take the side of the mother.

Jealous husband to mother-in-law

There are several reasons why this situation may arise. After you define it, the path to solving the problem will appear by itself.

Diffidence

“... Relations with the mother-in-law are good, we never argue with each other. But I'm jealous if my husband asks for her advice, not mine. At such moments, it becomes insulting to tears. Once she announced that she would help us with our grandchildren, it terribly angered me ... "

If you are jealous of your spouse not only for your mother-in-law, but also for friends, girlfriends, and also think that he pays more attention to them, then the reason lies in low self-esteem.

Not wanting to share your husband with someone, you are primarily afraid of losing him and not finding a new partner. You consider yourself uninteresting, ugly, unable to cook, and many other “not”.

Any manifestation of attention to the mother is regarded as a betrayal and entails endless conflicts, although the essence of the problem is hidden inside you.

Children's impressions

“... I don’t know what to do with myself. When a spouse is at work with his mother, or helps her on business, I am jealous of my husband for my mother-in-law. Deep down I know that this is wrong, but I can’t do anything about this feeling ... "

One more common cause, which is difficult to notice at first glance - these are impressions received in childhood.

Your mother could be in conflict with your grandmother, or you became an unwitting listener to an adult conversation on this topic. It is not necessary to remember this or that case, the main thing is that it is deposited in your subconscious.

Identifying such a problem is quite difficult, as well as dealing with it. But if you want to get rid of jealousy and understand that apparent reason No, you should contact a family psychologist.

Third wheel

“... For several months, my husband and I lived with his parents. Mom could come into our bedroom day or night without asking. She cooked food, although she saw that I had already made dinner. Complained that I was a bad hostess. Until now, I am jealous of her husband ... "

Living together with parents leads to the division of the territory and attention of a man on an intuitive level. It is in the nature of a woman that she should be the only mistress of her house. Therefore, it is necessary to show your superiority. The mother-in-law ideally manages the household: cooks, washes, cleans. And the wife uses female charms.

In such a situation, the husband finds himself among two fires, not knowing whom to bow to. There can be only one way out - moving to your own apartment.

The nature of the mother-in-law

“... The husband's mother claims that she gave birth to him for herself and will not give him to anyone. Acts like I don't exist. When he visits his parents, I am jealous of my husband for my mother-in-law ... "

Some parents do not perceive their child as a separate person and in every possible way suppress its manifestations. This situation often occurs in incomplete family when a child becomes the only native person and all the love goes to him.

Growing up is accompanied by the appearance of the first love and the mother's jealousy for her. When the time comes Serious relationships, she is already ready to defend herself from an unexpected guest who wants to destroy the family idyll.

What to do

There are several ways to get rid of jealousy that will help restore harmony in a relationship:

1. Don't give jealousy a chance. Stop checking your spouse's phone for calls and texts to your parents. Some wives become obsessed with the idea of ​​surveillance, not understanding the consequences of this. Distrust will sooner or later become apparent and hurt the feelings of a loved one.
2. Get rid of fears. Imagine a situation when your mother-in-law took your husband away from you and how your future life. This technique gives a clear understanding that you have nothing to fear. Agree that an adult who indulges the wishes of his parents in everything cannot be the head of the family.
3. Stop comparing. you two different person and your husband loves you different reasons.
4. Focus on strengthening relationships. Instead of wasting time on jealousy, spend it with your significant other. Communicate more, invent joint hobby and develop relationships.
5. Make time for your family. Come visit your parents or call. Do not cut ties with relatives because of the creation of your own family. This will distract you from the problem and help fix it.

To prevent a brewing conflict, certain rules should be followed:

• no need to try to love the mother-in-law, it is enough to show respect for her;
• try to understand that the spouse does not belong only to you: from birth he had his own family, where he grew up and whom he loves; thanks to them he became what you know him;
• do not try to take the place of the mother-in-law, she experiences maternal feelings, and you are completely different, not a single woman will replace his son's mother;
• if something does not suit you, talk about it, for example, offer not to help with the housework, come only for the weekend;
• listen to her advice, no matter how dismissively you treat the mother of a loved one, she has a lot of experience; in some situations, teachings will be useful;
• imagine yourself in her place, try to understand the reasons for her behavior, then you will understand how stupid your discontent is;
• sort things out in private, if you want to talk with your spouse on personal topics, do it without witnesses, the same applies to conversations with his mother;
• keep calm, never speak rashly hurtful words, communicate after you cool down, accusations made under the influence of emotions are often baseless and ridiculous.

Getting rid of jealousy for the mother-in-law is not easy. You can't cut her out of your life like a regular rival. And you shouldn't do it. Over time, it may become real girlfriend and irreplaceable adviser in family relations.

Video: Relationships: mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

Hello, I am 25 years old, my son is 7 months old, my husband is 30. I have been together with my husband for 7 years. We have been living with my husband’s parents. We moved recently, before that we lived with my mother, but she didn’t suit her husband, as a result there was a scandal and I was given an ultimatum -either we live with my parents, or you stay, and I will come on weekends. Unfortunately, there is no way to live separately. the fact that my son’s husband simply loves him, spends a lot of time with him, studies. I also love my husband. In general, having thought about it, I decided to move. And my problem is that as soon as we moved, my mother-in-law took patronage over the child, constantly wears it in her arms, plays, lisps (although I must say that I don’t know how to do this, I’m a little harsh by nature). It seems to me as if she wants to fill all the space around the baby, so that he perceives only her. So it got to the point that even I’m sitting in our I’m playing with a child in the room, she walks down the corridor, he sees her rather creeps, and in general he always crawls closer to her, whimpers to take her hands. She always repeats with a woman, you seem to be talking to a woman. hands, says take a rest. I feel like a servant for my son. On weekends, father-in-laws go to the dacha, my son crawls around the apartment looking for a grandmother. I feel that I’m not the mother for the child, but she. Preventive conversations are conducted from time to time, I tell her what it is my child and I have the right to decide what he will eat, when and how to sleep, ride on the handles or not. she answers yes, yes. and she bends her own line. that I have no right to my child as a mother, as if I didn’t give birth for myself. I tried to talk, explain it offended, it seems like I’ll think it says yes you’re right, I’ll do as you say, but a little time passes and again the child is in her arms, endless useless advice, etc. my husband also made remarks to her, but everything was like peas against a wall. Later he stopped saying anything. allow him), although the son does not hear the word from me (I just try to remove everything dangerous, unlike my grandmother who repeats this word a thousand times a day). I want my son to be able to play at least a little himself, he also crawls well, which allows him not to sit constantly on his hands, but to follow us around the apartment himself. In general, the question is how to calm irritation, find common language, and to defend my right to make decisions about raising a child. and how to make me become more important for a baby than a grandmother. I understand that this is competition, but I want to be myself for him ...

Good day Maria! The fact that your mother-in-law did not accept you at first - there is such a reaction among mothers, she was worried about her son, you are for her stranger were. But over time, she accepted you as a daughter or daughter-in-law, because she loves your baby, because this is not only her son's child, but also yours! Your baby is incredibly lucky - they love him and that's wonderful! And imagine for a moment that the mother-in-law would be indifferent to the baby at all? What would you say and feel then? You yourself write that you are "harsh" by nature, and his mother-in-law lisps. And when is the child to lisp, if not in this infancy? He still smells like God! The child needs to be picked up more often, pressed to the chest, so that he feels your warmth, care, love ...... Right now a psycho-emotional connection is being formed between you.

Another very an important factor affecting emotional development child, is the attentive, sensitive attitude of his parents to him and to each other. Spend as much time as possible together, smile at your baby, hold him in your arms more often. The baby is experiencing the so-called "tactile hunger", so try. Your touch is vital to him.

Scientists have proven that a child develops faster if, from birth, he contacts his parents a lot, communication occurs through touch. Those. touching every time you change clothes, bathe, feed, carry, massage, exercise are of great importance.

Babies are very sensitive to the mood of the mother. Often, when the mother is upset about something, the baby also behaves uneasily, screams, and is naughty. Try to be as calm as possible.

For your child, you were, are and will be his mother - out of competition!

All the best,

Labutina Larisa Sergeevna, psychologist Astana

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