Consequences of maternal jealousy of the daughter-in-law. Mistakes of a typical mother-in-law

05.05.2019

here's a boring story.

I have been married for over 25 years, I have a beloved husband and two adult sons. And everything was fine until recently.

At first when younger son married, I could not get enough - a wonderful girl, not without flaws, but quite bearable, no more than others, and she loves her son very much.

The problem is not in the daughter-in-law, but in her mother (let's call her Natasha for example). It so happened that for the first time we met the parents of the daughter-in-law only after the wedding of the children - and there was no wedding - we were simply put before the fact, well, they invited us to a gala dinner to get to know each other.

When I saw Natasha, I mistook her for my daughter-in-law's friend. She is 10 years younger than me and looks even younger. AND
at first I also really liked it - smart intelligent charming woman, she also has 2 twins 12 years old and she has a wonderful relationship with her children and her husband. And my husband's family
daughter-in-law also liked it, even too much ...

soon I began to notice that my husband somehow spends too much time visiting them. Children live separately, but those parents quite often come to "feed".

I must say that I don’t work and I really like to cook deliciously, and Natasha is not a super hostess - she cooks healthy, but simple food - salad, buckwheat with milk, cheesecakes, if she’s late from work, she can feed the whole family with an egg, but here’s to feed her they don’t go to me, although I constantly call ...

The husband once drove with the children to Natasha (it was necessary
help the daughter-in-law to transport things to the apartment that the children rent), then again, then again ... I ask what you did there - he says, fed and then played chess with the boys (brothers of the daughter-in-law). My husband was fond of chess in his youth, and the boys also play, well, I think it’s really nice to remember youth ...

In the spring it turned out that the daughter-in-law was expecting a child. And her parents started to build a bathhouse in the country - now they only have Summer shower, with a small child it will be hard without a normal wash and laundry. When I once wanted to buy a dacha, my husband dissuaded me, referring to the fact that he does not like the dacha, you have to tinker there all the time, build something ... He is not at all golden hands, the children were no longer tiny, there is prosperity in the family was, we could afford to rest on the sea and travel ... and then suddenly he undertook to help build a bathhouse ...

Natasha and her husband's income is much less than ours, although of course they are not in poverty. we offered to help with money and hire someone, but they categorically refused and said that they would build the bathhouse themselves (mostly Natasha's husband, well, my son is in the wings - although he is also not very handy).

And so, starting from the May holidays, my husband spends all weekends at this dacha. I was also invited, but somehow I didn’t want to at first, but then I think - let me go and see, suddenly my husband’s handicraft talents awakened. He left on Friday, I went the next day. I arrive and see an oil painting: on the roof Natasha, my son and Natasha's husband are covering the roof. And my husband... haha, he's baking pancakes in the kitchen. The last time he fried fried eggs for himself 20 years ago, the whole household was always on me, he only earned money (he is a big boss, by the way ...), and then pancakes ... It just hit me like an electric shock ...

I say what's going on? and he says Natasha doesn’t like to cook, but he hammers nails better than me, and the one who does it better should do the job (Natasha’s favorite saying).

By the way, the eldest son also has a good family and two children, but he does not visit them every week and has never been to their dacha, although there are two grandchildren. My husband and I have very trusting relationship, I ask, well, admit what it is that pulls you there, he says - it’s fun there: there is a telescope, we play football ... Well, what is it?

That's the question - really fun or fell in love? By the way, Natasha's husband is still in love with her, you can just see it in her eyes. Well, that is, nothing shines for my husband there, no one seduces him,
but she really attractive woman. You can’t call her a beauty, and she doesn’t look after herself especially, well, she’s clean, tidy, but makeup is at least, she walks mostly in jeans and T-shirts, flat slippers, a haircut “combed and went”, but ... there is something in her Maybe.

In general, I was jealous for the first time in my life. Well, I can't take it easy. And how should I behave - pretend that everything is in order and wait for it to pass, or talk, or something else? Reassure me somehow, please. So my heart is black.

Sorry for the confusion...

Hello, my husband is handsome, girls stick to him, he is 30 years old, I’m 25. Once at a holiday, he was drunk, I found him hugging his sister’s girlfriend, to which he answered, the demon confused. Then there were often calls and SMS were deleted from his phone, called these numbers, girls pick up phones everywhere. He says he erased SMS so as not to injure me, but he doesn’t remember calls from whom. When I left him, he already cried to stay. And now I notice how my husband and the daughter-in-law look at each other when we are in the same company with the family, she has a little depraved behavior. I believe him, but I can’t, I get furious when he goes to them without me, has lunch, just spends time while I’m at work. I tell him that I it’s not pleasant, we swear and he goes there anyway. Although he says that he doesn’t care about “this monkey.” I’m pregnant and she too, he puts her as an example, I see that she’s cute to him. Well, why is he doing this to me .

Catherine! It is impossible to get into his thoughts. Therefore, it is worth working with yourself and removing all the accumulated negative states, especially since you are now in a position so that this does not complicate your condition further. Let me drop my article to you and you will understand how you can reduce jealousy or get rid of it. I invite you to my site, I have a lot of material on sexual topics, and on relationships in general. It is possible to work on Skype Good luck (((

If we talk about low self-esteem, then we can make a generalization. Based on my practice as a family psychologist, I can safely say that low self-esteem has more than a half people that I constantly encounter in my work.

Problems of self-esteem is reflected in all aspects of a person's life. Almost all psychologists and psychotherapists work with this topic quite a lot and successfully.

Today, I would like to discuss this with you in terms of jealousy. Quite often I hear the question: “what should I do, I'm so jealous?”. Here, low self-esteem is put at the forefront, and then there are some events that have happened in the life of the client and left their mark.

I want to show this with an example. female jealousy when I was working with a 26 year old client who was recently married and pregnant.

Relations with her husband were relatively normal (according to the client), but there was a problem, which she identified as follows: “My husband often visits ex-wife, they have joint child. The ex-wife does not allow him to communicate with his son. They just meet and talk, then he comes home and looks upset, maybe drinks sometimes.”

After that, she already begins to wind herself up, saying: “suddenly he loves his ex-wife, but he doesn’t need me,” etc.

It was in this state that we began to work with her, and came to her problematic self-esteem.

There are very good technique, which allows you to extract from the client information that he often does not realize for himself, or cannot express. At first, the client was laconic, and without revealing all the nuances, it would be much more difficult to work.
Let me tell you a secret about this. She saw the image of her “ideal self”, which looked outwardly brighter, was more talkative, self-confident, moved forward, spoke out first, unlike her. Accordingly, working with this image helps to overcome the resistance of the client and get those states that he does not have, but which are necessary at the moment.

The work in terms of the desired qualities echoed the events of her life. The first thing that made its negative imprint was the relationship with the guy. When she was 15 years old, she fell in love, and the guy did not reciprocate her feelings, and began dating her friend. From here she made the conviction: "Nobody needs me."

There are no difficulties in the work, this belief is easily removed.

However, there was another difficult life situation for my client. When she married for the first time at the age of 21, her husband began to cheat on her. She remembered how she had been waiting for him, standing on the balcony, until morning. I called him, he promised to come, but he was still not there ... and so it went on day after day.

And then, having come home, she found him in their apartment with a woman. Having such negative experience in her life, she brought it with her into new relationships, expecting from her husband a possible repetition of that situation.

In terms of our work, it became possible to identify all the negative conditions that she received from her first marriage, and fill herself with other desired resources. For family psychologist this is easily solved. We have replaced: humiliation - with self-confidence, anger - with calmness, uncertainty - with happiness in personal life, disrespect - with trust, tenderness and love.

Let's go back to her relationship with her current husband. It turned out that his state of frustration after meeting with his wife was also supported by her "sour" face. She remembered what he had said to her: “You weren't like this before. You met me with a different expression. Now we have been able to easily fix this when we have removed the traumatic situations of the past.

Well, the end, one more moment. In our work, it turned out that she considers herself worse than his first wife and constantly compares herself with her, because she is taller.

I recalled a situation when the client was 16 years old, she met with a guy who liked tall girls. From here she endured an “inferiority complex” in terms of her height, although she was 165 cm. We changed this. And it worked well that she remembered the words of her husband: “I chose you for who you are, and I fell in love with you. You are the first who sunk into my soul"

On this, my work as a family psychologist was completed. I would like to quote you the words of Honore de Balzac: “Worldly hardships are the touchstone of characters. Those who cannot endure hardships cannot live. From myself I want to add - the words are beautiful and deep, but how heavy is the burden for you?

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Voronezh

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Good afternoon, Catherine!

It's all about your self-doubt and possibly low self-esteem. Since many feelings and sensations are always mixed up in the problems of jealousy, accordingly, you need to understand and seek help from a psychotherapist, so that at the end of this situation, you yourself have a feeling of success and productivity of your own life, in which there is no need for this or that addiction. .

Sincerely.

Sasina Svetlana Georgievna, psychologist in Voronezh

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The confrontation that has existed between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law since the creation of the world has a real explanation. Usually older woman walking on occasion of her character, and the youngest does not want to understand her. But why two soul mates so fiercely hate each other? After all, both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law love the same man, although different love. Where, then, in such a situation, does the reason for enmity come from? So, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: the psychology of relationships is the topic of conversation for today.

Even if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not outwardly show antipathy towards each other, very often their communication resembles a temporary and fragile truce or armed neutrality. And, as you know, both are fraught with destructive military operations in the future. According to psychologists, the reason for the relationship, which has long become the talk of the town, often lies in the personality traits of the “second mother”. Therefore, all daughters-in-law who cannot boast of a cloudless relationship with their husband's mother must first determine what type their mother-in-law belongs to, and then, with the help of the recommendations of specialists, try to mitigate the situation. In principle, this is not so difficult to do. There would be a desire. After extensive research, psychologists divided the "evil" mothers-in-law into four groups.

domineering

It would be more accurate to call this woman the owner. Such a mother-in-law is absolutely sure that all her household members, that is, her husband and children, belong to her undividedly as movable property - on a par with her real estate, whether it is a summer house, a car and other benefits of civilization.

This type is pretty easy to install. As a rule, such a woman voluntarily assumes the functions of the head of the family, and this immediately catches the eye of everyone who enters her house. But it should be noted that this usually happens with the full connivance of the male part of the family. henpecked husbands and sissy is the end product of her domestic expansion.

Now imagine what will happen to this woman if she arrives at the dacha in winter and catches a homeless person there or, running out into the yard to the sounds of the alarm, grabs the sleeve of a slob-teenager picking her car. Yes, she will tear apart anyone who dares to encroach on her personal property! And is it necessary to explain that she will treat her daughter-in-law in the same way, who, like an impudent thief, took and stole the precious boy from her. Only in this case, the situation is aggravated by the fact that the homeless and the hijacker can be punished with the help of law enforcement agencies and thereby satisfy the offended pride. Unfortunately, you can't put a daughter-in-law in jail for a stamp in her passport. It remains only to keep a stone in her bosom for her and live with the hope that she will someday return the stolen property as unnecessary. Such is the psychology of relationships ...

daughter-in-law advice

Try as little as possible to visit your mother-in-law at home with your husband. Do not encourage your husband to visit his mother alone. But ending the relationship completely is also bad - it will only exacerbate your confrontation. It is best if you invite your mother-in-law to visit you more often. In foreign territory, she will feel less confident. And the sight of your strong family nest will eventually make her come to terms with the fact that her son has his own. personal life, to which her "certificate of ownership" does not apply.

jealous

There is a less common type of jealousy - when a woman is jealous of all people without exception from her immediate environment, regardless of their gender and age. The peculiarity of her character is such that she has been doing this all her life. As a child, he is jealous of a teacher for a classmate, and younger sister- to parents. Having become an adult, she is jealous of a neighbor from below to a neighbor on the side, the boss - to a colleague, and her older brother - to his wife. And, of course, if this woman becomes a mother-in-law, she will definitely be jealous of her son for his chosen one. Unfortunately, getting rid of this feeling is much more difficult than getting rid of jealousy "out of love." Here, there is always food for jealousy - you just need to look around and choose your next object for exercises in masochism. This is the most frequent situation, in which the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law find themselves - the psychology of relationships based on jealousy is given most attention specialists.

daughter-in-law advice

As mentioned above, psychologists do not advise letting the husband go alone to visit the mother-owner. But in this case, the recommendation will be just the opposite. Let your husband visit his mother more often alone. Let the mother-in-law fully enjoy the company of her son. Thus, your husband will be able to pacify the jealousy of his mother-in-law and create the prerequisites for your peaceful coexistence.

Weak

This type of woman is insecure. It seems to her that she is such a defenseless creature that she cannot live a day without a strong male shoulder. But circumstances develop in such a way that there is no shoulder nearby - for various reasons. Maybe she really is a lonely person - a single mother, a divorcee or a widow. Or maybe she has a legal husband or a cordial friend, but she is not suitable for the role of hope and support. But at weak woman There is unmarried son, who carries heavy bags of groceries for her, takes her to the clinic and meets her near the metro when she returns from guests late in the evening. Well, how will this woman relate to her daughter-in-law, who will take over the time of her son and even take the caring boy out of the family?

daughter-in-law advice

Make sure that the mother-in-law does not feel a change in her status as a guardian. Keep bringing her groceries, fixing her plumbing, and walking her home when she's visiting you. And don't grumble at your husband if he comes to visit his mother for an hour or two after work. If the mother-in-law understands that filial attention has not become less, she will begin to treat you much warmer.

old fashioned

By virtue of the patriarchal upbringing she inherited, this woman, with all her desire, is not able to treat all subsequent generations with approval. She perceives her daughter-in-law's miniskirt and ringed ears as a personal insult, and even the raspberry color of your hair will become an unconditional reason to declare you persona non grata in her house. She not only does not understand your musical tastes and considers young people's views on sexual relations to be immoral. Such a mother-in-law is pre-configured that a good family with a modern girl cannot be created under any circumstances.

daughter-in-law advice

Every time you communicate with your mother-in-law, do not abuse bright makeup and avant-garde outfits. And who knows, maybe not only a strict mother-in-law will like a classic chiffon blouse with a lace collar? It is possible that your husband will begin to admire you even more. Visit your mother-in-law together and take care of your husband in her presence. And in a conversation at the table, do not scold "stagnant" times, do not use words from youth jargon. It is quite possible that your modest behavior, in the end, will melt the heart of an implacable conservative.

Why mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become rivals?

Hello dear readers. About the rivalry of two women, mother and wife, for Special attention the only beloved man, I wrote a lot. And I will continue to write. After all, this topic is inexhaustible and sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, when two women cannot share one man, and with him a child.

This is how it turns out - family triangle which is much worse than love. After all love triangle can be broken, but from the family you need to look for a way out. But they do not always want to look for a side. They prefer to openly conflict or secretly take offense and accumulate resentment.

Why is the mother-in-law jealous

It's no secret that many relationship problems arise because of banal jealousy. Jealousy that corrodes a person from the inside and is looking for a way out. And whichever way jealousy finds, such will be the consequences. Indeed, often the mother-in-law believes that.

So it turns out that both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can consider each other rivals, and this can negatively affect. Most often, the mother-in-law is jealous of her son for her daughter-in-law and this spoils life. own child. How is it, she thinks, now another woman is next to her son. Can she take better care of him than me? Can she cook, wash, iron better than me?

And for young and lovers like everyday problems do not have such a priority as for the mother-in-law. And don't focus on them. Do not torment senselessly both yourself and your daughter-in-law.

Ordinary maternal jealousy is a normal, natural feeling, as long as it does not go beyond the reasonable. And then she starts to look just ugly. Why would you compete with another woman for the attention of your own son? He must find time for both women, and he loves both, only with different loves. And therefore, there should be no reason for jealousy.

Jealousy of the daughter-in-law

And the other woman - the wife is also jealous. But it's not just jealousy, it's competition. A young woman constantly competes with a more experienced one, and strives to get constant attention beloved man. Here, most often the cause of jealousy is the thought: "Now he is mine and only mine." This position is most often manifested in possessive behavior, where only the full attention of the spouse becomes important, and even the thought that he can care for or worry about someone else is not allowed.

And when a child appears, the same possessive feeling appears in relation to the child. I often read that mothers are jealous of their children for their grandmothers. Of course, this is not entirely jealousy, but rather a sense of ownership - "this child is mine, and only mine." Do you know this feeling? What to do? Some tips.

And what side does the husband take in the family triangle?

I won't be able to sort it out, but I'll try to at least try. I never get tired of saying that my blog is mostly read by future mothers-in-law, so I write for them.

Conflicts will arise as long as the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law consider each other competitors. Conflicts can be avoided if the daughter-in-law learns to perceive the mother-in-law as the mother of her husband, and the mother-in-law - the daughter-in-law as the woman her son loves.

Putting the question - "either she or I" - is a dead end from which there is no correct, painless way out.

One should always try to find in a person good qualities. If your son chose a girl, then she deserves him. I do not understand those mothers-in-law who consider daughters-in-law unworthy of their sons. Of course, anything in life happens. But if a young family lives peacefully and happily, why interfere and create conflict situations.

Also do not understand when some without visible reasons. It is not necessary to come out of anger with a lot of intelligence, but to step over petty jealousy, to rise above this - here strength of mind is needed.

And if the conflict has already arisen and continues long time, a man must definitely intervene so as not to destroy his own family. Young people in this case need to learn to build their personal boundaries, the boundaries of their family. And the son can firmly and clearly tell his mother: “Mom, I love you very much, but this is our family and we will solve our problems with my wife.”

Otherwise, situations may arise, which I will write about next time. Subscribe to updates so as not to miss the most interesting.

2 comments

“I am jealous of the child to the mother-in-law,” a woman complains at the reception of a psychologist. Such feelings are not uncommon for those mothers who spend most of the day at work, trusting their baby to her husband's mother, and for those whose children see their grandmother only from time to time.

Why is a mother jealous of a small child for a grandmother?

The child finds in the face of his grandmother a friend, an assistant, someone who understands him;
Mom goes to work, and the mother of the spouse is engaged in raising the child at this time - and she is able to give a lot of love and affection to the child;
The child is happy in the company of a grandmother, she knows how to find an approach to the baby.

The difference between maternal jealousy and jealousy in general is that a woman is afraid of losing her invisible connection with the child, affection, reciprocity. And even if not every woman entrusts the upbringing of a child to her own mother, then the mother of her husband - even more so: stronger mother jealous daughter (of any age) to the mother-in-law.

In this case, when the mother-in-law takes care of the child, looks after him during the mother’s working day, the woman’s jealousy can be extremely acute: after all, she does not see with her own eyes everything that happens in her absence, she does not have time to observe the first successes and disappointments of the crumbs.

What to do if the mother is jealous of the child to the grandmother?

Replace the amount of time spent with your baby with quality. If there is little time for games, then these should be the most beloved and most fun games.
Don't buy a child's affection. It is better to coax him with an excess of communication, walks, health care and cute homemade gifts with which you can play.

- Not worth it. They are related to each other, they need each other's company. Let them make friends and communicate, while not forgetting about other family members.
It will be useful for mom to remember what she lacked in childhood, and try not to create the same vacuum in her children.

All this is good if the mother-in-law turns out to be a wise and patient woman. What if it's the other way around? Indeed, often the eldest of the women also competes with the daughter-in-law for the attention of her grandson, sometimes exposing the mother in front of the child in an unfavorable light, emphasizing that the parents do not know how to do anything.

How to stop being jealous of a child?

It is easier for a younger woman to adjust to the authority of an older one and adopt parenting experience. But to silently endure words and actions that clearly undermine the authority of parents means to further break the connection with the child.
Let the spouse actively show himself: talk to his mother, thank her and tactfully find out what the parents are doing wrong. Hinting at the same time that it would be nice not to talk about their shortcomings in front of a child.
Perhaps the mother-in-law is very tired with the baby, but does not want to admit it. Alternatively, the family may decide to have the child visit preschool or development groups for half a day, and then his grandmother will walk and play with him. Then the grandmother will rest, and the child will receive necessary communication with peers.

— To the younger generation it is useful to learn from the experience of a grandmother: how she can persuade or calm the baby, feed him healthy food and ask him to put away toys.
No matter how young parents act, do not forget that after a while they also have to become grandparents. And if they criticize their mother-in-law (or mother-in-law) in front of their grandchildren, quarrel or get angry, then they are likely to meet all this from their children when they become adults. As the saying goes, don't dig yourself a hole.

An unconditional help for parents will be the passion for children and developmental psychology. Even in time pressure, you can find 20 minutes a day to study the behavior of children and elders. Over time, theoretical knowledge will help in practice.

And further. No matter how attached a son or daughter is to a grandmother, no one can replace a mother. Let mothers repeat this to themselves more often, behave confidently and lovingly, and then the problem of jealousy towards any of their relatives will disturb them minimally.