What to do if a man has a child. Children from her husband's first marriage and relationships with them. How to avoid mistakes when communicating with a child from a previous marriage

12.04.2019

It is very difficult to build relationships with someone who has a sad family experience behind him, and in addition a child from his first marriage. The problem is not only to find mutual language with a baby or teenager, but also in your relationship with ex-wife.

No matter how stormy their parting was, no matter how the man regretted that he had once connected his life with that woman, it was his choice. Therefore, you must first show respect for the mother of his child, regardless of how she treats you. And this is far from the only solution to the question of what to do if a man has a child.

Don't expect anything to change

If you see that a man with a child is worn, as if with a written bag, do not hope that someday your common children will become something more for him than the first. The fact is that love will be mixed with guilt, it will always seem to him that the child is deprived of something, which means that he will do more for him than for your children. For this reason, put up with it and never resent a man for his excessive love to your flesh and blood.

Don't compete with your ex-wife

At present, nothing connects a man with you yet, but there is a lot with his ex-wife. In addition to the above status, she is the mother of his child, which gives her many preferences. It is rare that a woman does not use children to manipulate her ex. Therefore, get ready for the fact that at any time of the day or night she may require to come, sit with the children, and so on. But if you can’t do anything about his love for a child, then in a relationship with former wife you have every right to intervene, especially when you are already married.

money question

For a child, he will spend every month a certain amount, perhaps a very significant one. You can't do anything about this either. When you get married, and common children appear in your family, then you can demand that everyone gets his attention and money equally. But expect that with the advent common kid, he will become less concerned about the firstborn is very stupid. If you want to keep him, have patience and accept it as a virtue of a man, and not as a disadvantage. After all, not every father can be said that he loves his child and never forgets about him.

Planning

Resigned to the fact that the child will always be in your life, try to organize your life. If you don't like your husband disappearing for hours or bringing his son or daughter to your house when you're not ready, talk to him. So that conflicts do not arise from scratch, agree on the time of the visit and the limits for which he cannot go. It is especially important to determine his relationship with his ex-wife. Say that a child is one thing, but helping another woman is another. If your husband values your relationship, he will compromise.

The difficulties that second wives usually face are their jealousy of the man's child from his first marriage and dissatisfaction with the amount of money the husband spends on this child. As a rule, most books and magazines devoted to family relations are advised to think first of all about the feelings and needs of the child, who in any case is affected by the parents.

In practice, this position means that the second wife should put the interests of the man's child from the first marriage above the interests of her own family. But how, in this case, to cope with the protest: “Why am I obliged to break myself because of someone else's child, even if it is the child of a beloved man?” The situation is aggravated if the child is initially negatively disposed towards his father's new wife, and in the vast majority of cases this is the case.

There is no universal solution to the problem that would be beneficial for every woman who finds herself in the role of the second wife of a man with “baggage”. However, there are two options for resolving the situation, each of which has both its pros and cons.

First option: "It's not my problem"

If you want to completely distance yourself from everything related to the first marriage of your beloved man, immediately explain to your husband that you do not want the presence of his child in your life. That is, there will be no joint meetings, no visits of his child to yours. common Home. But don't ask your husband to ignore his child for you. Even if the choice is made in your favor, this will not help strengthen your relationship with your loved one. Instead, discuss with your husband his responsibilities towards the child from his first marriage. Most importantly, during a joint discussion, determine the days on which your husband will visit his child, and clearly discuss the amount of money that will be spent on him from your general budget in addition to the alimony paid by the spouse (for example, for gifts for the holidays). For this to work, never show your displeasure with your husband's first child, provided that all agreements are followed.

A plus this decision the problem is that you don’t have to communicate with your husband’s child and force yourself to somehow adapt to him. The downside is that this approach can lead to estrangement between you and your husband over time. Without feeling support from you in his relationship with a child from his first marriage, your loved one can expect such support from you in any other situations. And this, of course, can harm your relationship.

Second option: "We are all one family"

If you want to connect with your husband's child, try to befriend him. Just be prepared for various difficulties, for the resolution of which you will have to constantly take the position of a “wise adult”. The child from the first marriage in any case will not be delighted with the appearance of the stepmother, so you will have to earn his sympathy. At the same time, you can’t just “appease” the child with the help of various gifts, otherwise, in response to your attempt to refuse something, he will simply say something like: “You are doing this because you are not my mother!”, That is, you will find yourself as a bad stepmother. In addition, indulging all the requirements of the husband's first child can negatively affect the financial condition of your own family.

It is best to try to establish your own relations with your husband's child. own relationship. To do this, meet with him not in the presence of a beloved man, and even more so the mother of the child, but alone. Invite your child to go somewhere together, such as a park or an exhibition. Most likely, in the absence of a husband, you will be able to discern in his child an independent personality, and not a creature that is not attached to a loved one.

The advantage of this approach is a more trusting and intimate relationship with a husband who will be grateful to you for your efforts. The downside is that you have to live in conditions of constant psychological stress. You will not be able to forget at least for a while that your beloved man had a family before you, from which a child remained, requiring his love and care. In addition, in order to establish normal relationship with your husband's first child, you will have to make quite a lot of effort. And it is not a fact that your good intentions will be successful.

Question to the psychologist:

I would like to consult with you ... I am 30 years old, 5 years have passed since the divorce from my husband (my son is 5 years old), after that I have not been able to build a relationship. Now I try to understand the reasons and read your articles. A man appeared, we are together quite a bit, and he seems to say that he wants to be together only with me ... and build a house ...

But on this moment I am very concerned about one point. He has a daughter (5 years old), they divorced a year ago. When he left the family, he left the apartment to his wife and child. Where does the ex-wife with a partner and daughter now live. He goes to sea and seems to make good money. But when he came from the sea, he asked me what apartment to buy and where ... I thought it was for us (now he lives with his mother) and I don’t have the opportunity to live together. As soon as he bought an apartment, he brought his daughter there and said that this was a gift for her! I was very upset, because. We have nowhere to live and spend time together. He says wait until we earn money for the house. And he saw all my frustration, and therefore thought that I was only interested in the financial part of it. This is not true. And I tried to explain it to him. But no matter how I tried to accept his act, the offense still sits somewhere deep. And I also understand (and he himself said) that he will always help his daughter, which means that everything will always be not enough for her ... (apartment, study, new car), but I want a family, a house and more children)!!!

I don’t know what to do?! ((((I don’t really want to break up. But I understand that he will constantly put me (and even more so my son) in the second or third plan (((. And this will constantly offend me. Accept .. then how? I’m still not good at it (((Talking, he also perceives it as me against his communication and the help of his daughter. Although this is not so, and I explained this. I want him to communicate, help, but in reasonable limits.

Can you end this relationship? I'm all in thought ... Although I see that he has great sympathy for me. We walk, go to the cinema, etc., first he walks with his daughter, then he takes her to her mother, although the daughter wants to spend the night with him, but he does not take her and goes to me. I don't know what to do... I beg you to help me.

The psychologist Gnatyuk Lyudmila Yurievna answers the question.

Hello Svetlana!

Let's start with why are you around him at all? If you are looking for a person who will simply buy you a home - this is one strategy, if you are pleased that he has sympathy and you use it - another.

But if you want "all inclusive", i.e. and feelings, and prosperity, and mutual understanding, then first of all it is necessary to ask yourself. You are a woman, you are a conductor of energy and emotions, through a woman a man is filled with experiences and inspiration. But on condition that these feelings are sincere! And you rather start bargaining like in the market, but don’t write anything about your feelings. Or rather, write about frustration and disappointment from the fact that the apartment is not for you, but for your daughter. That's why he said that you are only interested in the financial part, perhaps this is the only thing he saw, you do not show everything else?

How do you express tenderness / gratitude / affection / interest / pleasure to him that he is near?

How do you express anger and irritation, indignation, resentment?

If you are trying to keep silent about all this and seem like an angel, then he will feel your falsehood and least of all he will want to do something for you. Look at his daughter, how does she show joy and delight to him? She charges him with these experiences and he wants to try for her and do even more. In addition, this beautiful feature Men are responsible for their words and deeds. Since he is a father, then this is forever! And there is no such scale where it would be necessary to measure a lot he cares or you need less, most importantly, from the heart. And he copes with it.

But you don’t really want to last ... Be honest with yourself and with him. There is nothing wrong with being upset about housing. Just say it like a woman that you wanted, dreamed, waited and ... now you are feeling sadness and sadness. Share with him your fears, grievances. Live it all, don't keep it to yourself, don't try to be good, comfortable, sweet when there is pain in your heart. This is the prevention of diseases, and a full-fledged mental life, and the birth of intimacy and trust between you. Yes, when we open up, we become vulnerable and we can get hurt. But if this is to be feared and avoided all the time, then what is the joy of life then?

I think that you should also reconsider your attitude towards your first spouse. Most likely from there, too, stretches a whole cartload of grievances and unjustified expectations. The key skill in life is not to be able to forgive, but to be able to ask for forgiveness. Because when we are in the position of the one who forgives, we are, as it were, from above, when we ask for forgiveness, we also take part of the responsibility for ourselves, responsibility for our reaction to the situation.

The reaction of resentment is the position of a child, an adult has more advanced thinking and is able to express his dissatisfaction, clarify the situation. But when we do not want to take on this responsibility, but shift it to someone, we choose to be offended, then we should, and not we. Therefore, you need to start with ex-husband, and even better with mom and dad, with whom you are also probably not going smoothly. But since you do not ask about it, I will not dwell on it.

I cannot make a decision for you and write what should be done, but how not, I am not the Lord God and I cannot foresee everyone possible nuances. But my personal experience shows that you need to start with yourself, with your pride, with the ability to be responsible for your actions, with the ability to be honest.

You are afraid that he will put you and your son on the second or third plan. And you want to be in the first place, you want to receive, but what can you give him yourself? If the question is posed in such a way that I still owe him nothing, let him first prove / give / help me something, then this is pure mercantile interest. And in this case, you need to bet on the one who has what you need. All deep relationships begin when feelings arise: respect, gratitude, joy, delight, pleasure, trust / love in the end. What do you feel for this man? This is your only guarantee. successful relationship- Your feelings and how you will express and show them to him. Just be yourself, read more, engage in self-development. Learn to respect and be grateful. Learn to love not only yourself and your own, but also him and his child. Start doing something nice for others just like that, without expecting anything in return, then what you dream of will come to you.

Ecology of life. Children: Conflicts between a beloved man and children especially hurt a woman. How to act as a mom...

Conflicts between a beloved man and children especially hurt a woman. How to behave to a mother if her child and new husband cannot find a common language, explains the psychologist.

Many people are familiar with the expression “Relationships are work”, but for some reason it is most often associated with the relationship between a man and a woman. And, for example, a strong and friendly relationship between a stepfather and a child requires no less effort.

In order to choose right strategy behavior, mother first of all needs to assess the "scale of the disaster" - how serious is the conflict. Does it have a global character, when the child and the stepfather did not agree at all, or is it a common everyday situation.

©Lisa Visser

Global conflict: causes and solutions

It often happens that the relationship between the stepfather and the child does not go well from the very beginning. There may be several reasons for this, depending on each of them and appropriate measures must be taken.

The child is jealous

It is common and quite common cause. The baby's life is changing, the mother no longer belongs only to him, and the need to share his mother's attention with someone else (with someone else's uncle!) causes a violent protest.

What to do? Try not to drastically change the child's living conditions. If he is used to weekend walks or nightly games with you, keep those same traditions in your new one. family life. This will allow the baby to get used to it faster, and at the same time give him a sense of stability - the mother is the same, all activities with her have remained unchanged.

Actively include the stepfather in your communication with the child, arrange joint games, but be sure to leave time when you and your baby will be just the two of you. And don't forget to tell him often how much you love him.

The child hoped that dad would return

It happens that way too. Despite the final divorce and determined parents, the children hope to the last that things will get better. And then some uncle appears who spoils everything and destroys all hopes. How not to make a riot?

What to do? Initially, be honest with the child, do not give him false hopes. Often, protecting babies from unnecessary worries, parents give out only part of the information, and the rest remains “behind the scenes”. “Dad will just live separately for now”, “Dad left”, “We quarreled, and so dad went to grandma” - such phrases leave a lot of room for children's imagination.

Say it like it is. It is not necessary to go into all the dramatic details, but it is necessary to voice how things really are: “Dad and I love you very much, but we got divorced and will no longer live together”, “Dad moved to another apartment and will now live separately, you will visit him or he will come to visit, but we will not live together.” Be honest with your baby! If he understands well what is happening, it will be easier for him to get used to changing conditions.

Stepfather has high expectations

Sometimes it's not about the baby at all. In general, to be fair, it should be said that responsibility for building relationships with children lies with adults, and this means that with due effort, mom and stepfather will be able to find a common language with the baby.

Sometimes the stepfather is very actively involved in the upbringing of the little one, wishing with all his heart to replace his father. In his good intentions, he sometimes goes too far. And he also expects reciprocity from the child, and if he does not immediately receive it, he begins to be disappointed in him.

What to do? First, again, face the truth. Your new husband is absolutely not obliged to replace the father of the child, especially if the baby continues to communicate with dad. This should be well understood by all participants in the process.

The main task is to ensure that a fairly comfortable relationship has developed between the stepfather and the child. They can become very close and warm, really like a father and son, but if it turns out differently, then it's okay!

It is important that they can find a common language. Therefore, options such as “He scolds him like a father,” especially at the beginning of a relationship, are unlikely to work. Agree with your husband that you will decide all the critical moments together, let him consult with you on how to do it right, because you know your child much better!

Help the husband and child come up with joint interesting activities: maybe a stepfather will teach his son or daughter to take pictures or ride a bike - let them have their own time that they spend together. This is how a stepfather will feel own significance(he also TEACHES THE CHILD!), And the kid - to understand that he is loved. If they are interested in each other, all acute situations will proceed more gently.

You need to understand that a man and a woman have different functions, so both should raise a child.

Mom function- acceptance, she loves a child by any.
Male function is different: men give boundaries, boundaries and discipline. Let the child and stepfather learn to communicate and find a common language together.

Simple household conflict

If you see that, in general, the relationship between the husband and the child is going well, but from time to time they make some claims to each other, then you can safely not join- Observe, give them the opportunity to agree on their own. If the fact is that the baby did not remove the scattered toys or the stepfather forgot to buy the promised chocolate bar, then most likely they will be able to find a solution to these problems themselves.

When should you join? If the degree of conflict grows, and because of a trifling reason, everyone loses their temper, the husband breaks into a cry, and the child is ready to burst into tears, it is time for your participation. Perhaps one of them is tired, annoyed, or simply out of sorts, so they can’t agree in any way. Help them find a compromise solution or offer to take a break and calm down, and only then with cold head back to discussing the issue. published

Natalya Kaptsova

Reading time: 8 minutes

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Not every man's 1st marriage develops, as in a fairy tale - "and they lived to gray hair." Unfortunately, it also happens that family boat crashes, and the children remain between "two fires". They have the hardest time of all. And the second wife, who (whether she wants it or not) needs not only to communicate with them at the “hello-bye” level, but also to find a common language.

Husband's communication with the children of his first marriage - how can it be?

At remarriage usually all parties are drawn into the cycle of confrontations and rivalry.

But the children get the most, regardless of whether they stayed with their mother, or moved to new family father. And a rare woman will immediately accept and love her husband's children, which further complicates the situation.

But situations are different...

Children live with their mother, while the father, who already has a new family, does not leave them - calls, congratulates on holidays, takes away for weekends and holidays, etc. The new wife endures frequent visits of children “through her teeth”, smiling, but boiling internally.
The husband does not communicate with the children, and the ex-wife constantly calls him with demands - Participate in children's lives. Constant calls unbalance both the man and his new wife.
The children are already big, and they are able to come to visit their dad , stay overnight, etc. Dad does not mind, and his new wife is annoyed, but cannot do anything.
The kids moved in with their dad (by court order or own will, or the mother herself left, leaving them to her husband). All the worries of their upbringing fall on the shoulders of the second wife.

Of course, the second wife should do everything possible to maintain and further maintain the husband's relationship with the children from the 1st marriage.

Not properly:

Forbid them to meet.
Express annoyance when children come to visit.
Throw tantrums to your husband on the topic "whose child is more important to you."
Take out on his children their anger and jealousy of his first wife (they take it personally).
Take rash steps that can lead to a break with a man.

Right:

Help your husband with his children if they often come to visit.
Remind your husband about their holidays and important events.
To create a favorable environment for children at home, so that they feel comfortable next to their father, and the gap between parents is less noticeable, thanks to positive emotions.
Accept them as your own if they stayed with their father. And adequately perceive calls and even visits from his 1st wife, who will definitely visit her children.
Understand and remember that the children of a divorced man are a part of his life that will always be. No options: either take it with children, or look for a partner for living together without "tails".
Do not separate your own and his children: everything is equal - love and care, attitude and rules, food, and so on.

I hate my husband's children from my first marriage or am jealous of them - why, and how to get rid of the negative?

The reasons for the irritation of a woman in relation to her husband's children from the 1st marriage not so much:

Lack of experience in raising children in general.
Dislike for children as such.
Jealousy for his 1st wife.
Unwillingness to share a husband with anyone.
Greed (children spend a lot of money).
Resentment (the well-being of his children is more important to him than the well-being of new wife).

How to get rid of negative emotions?

First of all, come to terms with the fact that the husband will communicate with his children. The situation when a man leaves not only his wife, but also his children is still the exception rather than the rule. A man will always communicate with them, call them, meet with them, spend money on them, pay attention.
Do not put him in front of a choice - he will always make it in favor of his children.
Communicate more often with his children. Try to befriend them. For a man, we will be happy to see that you love his children, as yours with him in common.
Don't associate your negativity with his ex-wife with their common children. Children are not to blame for anything.

How to build a relationship with a husband’s child from his first marriage - advice from wise women

The most important thing is to understand what the child feels in new family, like a lost kitten, regardless of whether he happens to be with his dad on weekends, once a month, or moved forever.

Try to look at the situation through his eyes, before you “nag” your spouse, take offense or make scandals.

How to do it?

Do not dismiss the child if he goes to you “into your arms” (looking for contact). He should not feel like a hindrance to your relationship with his father, the cause of your irritation and the "root of evil." Be open to talking to him.
The child also has the right to jealousy, because you came after him. Show your child that you don't claim all of your husband's free time. Help your husband and his child organize joint walks and gradually join their company. Positive emotions always bring people together.
Getting used to the role of a good stepmother, do not overdo it. No need to lisp with a child, put on a smile, fill him with gifts and convince you that you are delighted with him. Children always feel false. It is clear that it is almost impossible to fall in love with someone else's child at once, but you should not play in public either. Act carefully and gradually. Step, another, third. Over time, you will get used to each other.
Do not put your children with your husband higher than his children from the 1st marriage. Everyone should be treated equally, even if everything inside you protests against this state of affairs.
Turn a blind eye to your spouse's need to communicate with his ex-wife. You still have to deal with it. You may not communicate with her, but forbidding her husband to communicate with her is short-sighted and stupid. It makes no sense to be jealous of her: your man has ALREADY chosen you, and even the fact that he is forced to communicate with his ex-wife will not change his attitude towards you (unless, of course, you yourself do something stupid).

The role of a man in building relationships with children from his first marriage - what should a real husband and father do?

There are representatives of the stronger sex, confident that they are “the best” that happened to their women. They feel quite comfortable in a situation where two women (former and present) compete for the right to be the only one. And all this would remain a personal problem of the "triangle", if it did not concern children.

Therefore, a man who remarried and has children in the first and already in the second family, must remember that...

You can not give a new wife a reason for jealousy. Even if you have to communicate with your first wife, you must not forget about the feelings of the second.
Can be the same good dad for children from both the first family and the second. You just need to be attentive to everyone, and remember that even growing up children need your care, your strong shoulder, your timely support.
If your ex-wife hurt you, this does not mean that you need to leave the children. - They did not betray you and still love you.
No matter how "contagious" your ex is, be above this situation. : never say anything bad about her - neither your children in common with her, nor your new wife.
Support your new wife in her efforts to build a relationship with your children from your first marriage. Remember that it is psychologically difficult for her to step over jealousy, resentment, etc.
When communicating with an ex-wife, create the most transparent (for a new wife) relationship so that your spouse does not torment herself and you with tantrums from. If your woman is confident in you, she will not “nag” you on the topic “you, you bastard, saw your ex-wife again!”, And you will not have to convince her that she needed urgent help with kids.

Children are always children. Let them not be yours, but your husband's.

But you have a chance to get along with them so durable and good relations that happiness in your house will double - and settle forever.

Have there been similar situations in your family life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!