How do you imagine the relationship of living together. Cohabitation: what you need to know in order to get together with your loved one. Living together after divorce
Answer:
In the name of the Gracious and Merciful Allah!
Assalam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatukh!
A couple divorced by the husband's giving three talaks (divorces) becomes haraam for each other. After that, they cannot live together as husband and wife. And they cannot be reunited by re-entering into nikah.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
فَإِنْ طَلَّقَهَا فَلَا تَحِلُّ لَهُ مِنْ بَعْدُ حَتَّى تَنْكِحَ زَوْجًا غَيْرَهُ فَإِنْ طَلَّقَهَا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَنْ يَتَرَاجَعَا إِنْ ظَنَّا أَنْ يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ وَتِلْكَ حُدُودُ اللَّهِ يُبَيِّنُهَا لِقَوْمٍ يَعْلَمُونَ
If he further divorces her (for the third time), he is not allowed to marry her until she marries another. And if he divorces her, they will not commit a sin if they reunite, believing that they can observe the restrictions of Allah. These are the restrictions imposed by Allah. He explains them for those who know. (Quran, 2: 230)
If your husband divorced you three times (or more, as you pointed out in your question), you and he can no longer live together as husband and wife. From the moment the third talaq is issued, all marital ties between you are cut off. Accordingly, the subsequent cohabitation will be considered an extramarital relationship, that is, fornication (zina), and this is a great sin in Islam.
You and your ex-husband should immediately leave, sincerely repent and ask Allah for forgiveness for living in a haram relationship.
Given that you both knew about the rule regarding the irrevocable termination of nikah after three talaqs, you should respect the iddah of three menstrual cycle starting from the date of issue of the third talak.
If you both did not know about the rule of three talaq and thought that you were still in legal nikah even after the third talaq, the iddah in this case starts from the moment of your last intimacy. (Fatawa Hindiya. - Volume 1, p. 533)
وأما المطلقة ثلاثا إذا جامعها زوجها في العدة مع علمه أنها حرام عليه ومع إقراره بالحرمة لا تستأنف العدة ولكن يرجم الزوج والمرأة كذلك إذا قالت: علمت بالحرمة، ووجدت شرائط الإحصان، ولو ادعى الشبهة بأن قال: ظننت أنها تحل لي تستأنف العدة بكل وطأة
At the end of your iddah period, if you marry another, and this husband after the physical consummation of the marriage gives you a divorce or dies, in this case you will be allowed to reunite with the first husband through nikah upon completion of the iddah from this new marriage, as it is said in the verse of the Qur'an (2: 230). That is, the only opportunity for reunification with your ex-husband will open up if you marry another and, after the consummation of the marriage, will be divorced or widowed.
After your separation from your ex-husband, you both (without excessive communication and interaction with each other) need to continue to play the role of mother and father in relation to children. It should not happen that the rights of children are affected by divorce. May Allah make everything easier for you and your family, and may He guide you to the right actions! Amen.
And Allah knows best.
Uassalam.
Mufti Suhail Tarmakhomed
Fatwa Center (Seattle, USA)
Fatwa Department of the Council of Ulama (KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa)
Q645
Family life leaves an imprint on the life of both spouses. Often, marriage is concluded when people's minds are clouded by falling in love, and feelings take over common sense... Over time, feelings fade away, and people begin to see each other's shortcomings, which are sometimes very annoying. On this basis, conflicts can arise that alienate the once-in-love spouses. These factors, accumulating, can push married couple to divorce.
Reasons for divorce after a long marriage
It often happens that people who have experienced both grief and joy together, after 20-30 years, decide to dissolve the marriage. Of course, this decision is individual for each family. However, the most common arguments pushing people to break the marriage bond can be distinguished:
Some families try to overcome these problems and turn to psychologists, reconsider their lifestyle, try to control their thoughts and emotions. For others, the only solution is divorce.
The pros and cons of late divorces
Every family experiences divorce differently. Some see only the pros and fearlessly look at further life while others have no idea what to do next.
Sometimes a late divorce is a chance to start over. If the life of the former spouses was full of tension, the relationship did not develop, then after being freed from the burden of an unhappy family life, they look prettier and exude vital energy before our very eyes.
Termination unhappy marriage lets open my heart for new love, thanks to which you can create happy family... Over time, the feelings of the former spouses, weighed down everyday problems are fading away. Divorce will allow you to find a person with whom you will be warm and comfortable for the rest of your life.
There is an opportunity to self-actualize, to surrender to your favorite business or hobby. It happens that after 25-30 years, a moment suddenly comes when a person realizes that the years are gone, and his talent has not yet been revealed. For example, a talented actor works in a car dealership, or a singer sits at the cash register in a store. Family and children do not allow them to change jobs, or the fear of being fired prevents them from changing their occupation, and over time, there is a need to stop all this. When children no longer need support, people end up divorcing and realizing their talents.
Undoubtedly family life for 10-30 years leaves a person with invaluable experience, which is "paid for" by forces, experiences and stresses. However, this experience comes in handy when creating new relationships.
except positive aspects there are some difficulties in divorce. Many find it difficult to get used to being alone or having a new partner. The former spouse could get bored in 15 years, but he knew all the habits and preferences of his wife by heart - this is very convenient. It happens that some time after the divorce, the former spouses begin their life together again.
For some reason, late divorce often does not find support in society. You should be prepared for the fact that someone with condemnation will say something unpleasant.
Men with age may face problems with cardiovascular system or exacerbation chronic diseases, because many of them are trying to find a younger partner. Therefore, you need to spend more strength and energy, and abrupt change sexual activity with age, it is fraught with many dangers.
Regardless of age, children are worried about the divorce of their parents. For almost every child, mother and father are one. It happens that the initiator of a divorce loses contact with his child for the rest of his life.
How to understand whether it is worth divorcing a spouse with whom you have lived for more than 20 years?
To understand whether it is worth getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, you need to listen to your inner feelings... The answer to this question is very individual. Undoubtedly, you need to break off relations with a drug addict, alcoholic, liar and traitor. Moreover, you should as soon as possible get away from a person who shows aggression, uses violence or negatively affects mental condition family members.
American psychologists call divorce the death of a relationship. This is indeed the case. A couple who have decided on a final breakup, as a rule, are not eager to communicate in the future. But in our country there are cases when former spouses have to lead a life together after a divorce.
This is usually caused by housing problem... The spouses cannot immediately leave, since there is no way to change the apartment, or buy a new one. It happens that relatives of a divorced couple create obstacles to the final separation. Be that as it may, but ex-husband and the wife remain to live under one roof and are forced to run a joint household. This situation has both positive and negative sides.
Difficulties in living together after divorce
Of course, this state of affairs is always associated with increased emotional stress. If one of the spouses cannot, then the daily existence under one roof will be filled with scandals, reproaches and exhausting showdowns. Life is in danger of becoming hell.
As noted by the well-known psychologist K. Whitaker, such a situation can negatively affect younger generation... As you know, this is a separate complex topic... Constant conflicts between parents can negatively affect development little child and even a teenager. In such families, children become anxious or aggressive, they develop fears and lack of confidence in themselves and those around them. Such a life can lead to psychological trauma in the child.
Another negative point is the fact that none of the partners has the opportunity to arrange their personal life... Indeed, in this situation, it is almost impossible to bring home a new passion. Especially if the former second half suffers from jealousy and is aggressive.
- Positive points.
It happens that a couple realizes that divorce was a premature step. After the passions have subsided, the grievances are a thing of the past, the spouses begin to understand that they are still attracted to each other.
In this case, living together after a divorce allows the husband and wife to take a fresh look at their partner. Perhaps after a while they will even forget what caused them to end the relationship, and will be completely sincerely surprised without understanding.
Psychologists note that in a similar situation you need to be careful. It is possible that the revival old feelings- this is just an illusion, and after a while you will again feel dissatisfaction with each other. Before converging again, you need to carefully analyze everything and think about how to avoid past mistakes. For example, if a man, looking at inaccessible now ex-lover, reopens in it many positive features, he should weigh the pros and cons before trying.
- How to build a cohabitation?
If the former spouses are forced to live together for some time, they, first of all, have to solve everyday issues. The most reasonable option in this case would be to agree on where things will be, who uses what day washing machine... You can also separate foods and even dishes. These measures are by no means superfluous. Very often, it is household trifles that provoke the most violent quarrels. Having discussed all such questions, you will greatly facilitate your cohabitation in the same apartment.
In this case, the former spouses will begin to communicate like neighbors in communal apartment... If they have no complaints about each other, such a life can last for years. But if a life together after a divorce develops into a war until the last patron, and any word of a partner is perceived as a personal insult, it is urgent to disperse.
One of the spouses can rent an apartment or a room or live with friends for some time. In order to maintain your health, both psychological and physical, you do not mind any means.
And remember, even if you don't feel for yours ex-half nothing but dislike, this is no reason to sink to petty intrigues and lose feeling dignity... And if you are forced to live together, try to maintain the remnants of respect for each other and try to solve this problem together.
- Material prepared by: psychologist-consultant (Russian State University for the Humanities, Moscow)
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When a relationship is at the candy-bouquet stage, it seems that nothing better can happen to you and cannot: a man carries you in his arms, gives flowers, strews with compliments and admires your beautiful eyes. And the only thing you want even more than just seeing him on dates in the evenings is to be with him all the time, wake up and fall asleep in the same bed, cook dinner and drink tea in the same kitchen, hang clothes in a common wardrobe and enjoy the fact that now you are almost a family. However, life together is not always so rosy, and our ideas often differ from reality. Especially if we commit one by one gross mistakes and we break what we haven't built yet.
If it seems to you that living together is just moving things to his apartment, and then enjoying your morning coffee in bed, then most likely you have not yet had to take such a crucial step. When you meet on neutral territory, but everyone sleeps in their own apartment, it is very easy and simple to create the appearance of who you want to be in the eyes of your beloved. With him, you are a beautiful, charismatic, well-groomed, athletic, real girl-lighter, and an hour before that at home, in a hurry, wash your hair, pick up an outfit, scattering all the things around the room, clean your ears and forget to throw the used ones into the trash bin. cotton buds... As soon as the moment comes for your reunion in the common living space, the man will have to see everything that has been so carefully hidden from his eyes for a long time, and you should take care that he does not lose interest in you. In general, you probably already realized that the beginning of a life together is very important step for all couples, and must be taken seriously.
No wonder they say that true relationship must withstand two tests: distance and general life. So, before you put the last blouse in your suitcase, take the time and read about what mistakes you should never make, so as not to come back with the same suitcase in a month.
A la nature
Of course, you should not jump out of bed even dawn, so that while he sleeps, apply "war paint" and appear in front of your beloved fully armed - after a couple of weeks of such a regime you risk falling off from lack of sleep. However, it is also not worth teaching a man that now you will always walk at home without makeup. Firstly, he did not fall in love at all with a fighter for naturalness in bathrobe, and, most likely, you prepared for dates to the maximum: mascara, shadows, lipstick, and also Nice dress and high heel shoes. And, secondly, when you declare to your beloved that the make-up is not needed at home, but when you are going somewhere, put on makeup like for a beauty pageant, you offend him very much. The man understands: she wants to be attractive to others, but not to me. So try to take care of your appearance, even if today is Sunday and you are not planning to go anywhere. Don't relax.
Under control
For some reason, many women believe that living together with a man gives them some powers and now they have access to what was previously prohibited. A favorite way to cover a man with a "cap" is to constantly inspect his pages in social networks, read SMS and incoming mail, as well as track all his calls. Sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity, and women demand an account of every step: where they were, with whom they spoke, what they saw, what they ate, whether they blew their nose into a handkerchief, etc. Agree, you would not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself, so why should he? Plus, this behavior is similar to maternal care, and your man already has one mother, you should not turn into a second one.
Agree, you would not tolerate such an attitude towards yourself, so why should he?
Prohibited
Feeling that now they have much more rights to their man than before, women go into a rage: in addition to total control they also include the "ban" mode. From now on, very, very many things are prohibited: Saturday trips with friends to the bathhouse (“What if you bring women there?”), Joint viewing of matches in sports bars (“There are a lot of women around who want to fool you”), as well as the football games themselves or weekend volleyball (“You probably don’t play at all, but go to women”). Some "almost spouses" become obsessed and try to plan the time of their beloved on their own: in the morning to work, then resignedly to go home (no friends!), From there for groceries to the store, and then to Aunt Masha for potatoes. Tell me, are you ready to give up gatherings with friends, shopping and cafes? Unlikely. Such a life will be like a cage. Do you think a man wants to sit in a cage, and even on a leash?
"If he loves, he will understand"
The beginning of a life together is very difficult period also because in one place the orders and laws of two different families: your and his. Mom taught him that the dishes must be washed immediately after eating, and you are "sinful" and put it in a neat pile in the sink. Your father never threw socks around the apartment, and your lover now and then leaves them behind a sofa or under a chair. It is clear that some things will annoy you, and in no case should you be silent about them. Do not rely on his telepathic abilities and think that loving person will understand everything without words. Will not understand. Therefore, calmly, without hysteria, explain to your beloved that his socks make you nervous and he would help you a lot if he himself put them in a basket for dirty linen. Just do not be in a hurry to be offended when he asks you to wash the dishes immediately after eating - everything is fair with you.
Do not rely on his telepathic abilities and think that a loving person will understand everything without words. Will not understand.
"Yours, mine are ours"
Would you call all your relatives to your beloved's house without warning him about it, if you did not live together? Of course not! It is also not worth doing when the living space becomes common. This does not mean at all that your mother's visit must be fully approved, but you can tell the man simple: “In a week, mom will come to us for a couple of days” you can. It's not difficult for you to warn your loved one about an imminent meeting with your mother-in-law? In the end, having chosen you as a life partner, he did not choose your whole family and, unfortunately, should not be happy with absolutely all unplanned visits.
Ask a psychologist
Hello! My name is Svetlana. I have a non-standard (it seems to me) life situation.
The situation is as follows: under New Year my beloved husband told me that on January 11th he is filing for divorce. After the divorce, I, my husband and two children remain to live together in the house that we built together. After 2 years, if I manage to improve relations with him, we get married, if not, he leaves altogether. The marriage is 11 years old. The relationship in the last 2 years was not so much, but the last six months in general ... He believes that it is my fault and gives me 2 years to rehabilitate. I do not deny my guilt, but I believe that a family consists of at least 2 people, which means that two should bear responsibility, but it turns out that I will try to do something, and he will evaluate and decide. This option is not something that annoys me, I just lost the ability to think about something.
Is it generally realistic to live divorced together and improve relations, or should I immediately look for ways of retreat, such as where to live with children after a divorce?
The fact is that the idea of divorce did not occur to my husband new year's eve, but a couple of months earlier. I had some kind of delayed postpartum depression. Youngest child 2 years, due to the crisis, I lost my home job, and therefore began to depend on my husband financially. A constant routine, a lack of money, a child's illness, an eternally dissatisfied face of a husband who is always busy with global problems ... In short, the end of this burden was that I took my kids and moved to my parents' to rest and think. I went to work. I managed to emerge from the depression on my own. It took 1.5 months. I wanted to return to my husband, and the children missed dad and home. But it wasn’t it ... We, of course, returned home, but my husband said that he wanted a divorce and did not want to restore the relationship. Now, if I had returned 3 days earlier, then everything would have been different. In these 3 days, he managed to change me and understand that he likes a free life more. He cannot drive us out of our common house, but he no longer wants to be my husband. The house, by the way, has been signed off to our daughter, and since we have been building it for almost 10 years, we haven’t accumulated a lot of property ... Everything went into the house. My husband's conditions seem unfair to me. I can't imagine how I will be soft white and fluffy for 2 years, but he will point out to me every mistake I make. The only thing I can't understand is why he needs it.
Sorry, that is long, I will be very grateful to you if you find time to answer me
Hello Svetlana! You are right there are two spouses in the family and someone alone cannot be to blame for the crisis! but even if the spouse is trying to present everything since only you are to blame, so you correct yourself - he says that he wants to relieve himself of responsibility for what happened and does not want to put his efforts into saving the family! And his desire to expect changes only from his wife and adaptation from him is absurd and unfair to you! Think about whether you will be able to live with this person in the future, do you want this - accepting his conditions and adapting to him? think over different options: what will happen if you stay together (where and how will you live, how will you and the children feel)? what will happen if you decide to live independently (where and how you will be able to live and how will you also feel yourself)? In any case, the motivation for living together is emotional warm relationship, a harmonious family, and not only for the sake of children and for the sake of him to live with him, satisfying his whims!
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0Hello Svetlana! You are absolutely right: a relationship is always an equal responsibility of both partners. And your reaction is quite understandable - you are being pinned twice as much responsibility than you want to bear. Don't take her. You don't need it, do you? If your husband wants to keep the family together, go to family psychologist, if, of course, you are also interested in preserving the family. You have the right to choose what kind of life you live. As I understood from your letter - you do not want to be pointed out to you about your mistakes, but you were obliged to adjust, be soft white and fluffy. If you don’t want it, don’t be. This is your choice. Why does your husband need this? Do not know. Perhaps a desire for power, perhaps a desire to humiliate you, to avenge your departure. Do not know. One can only guess. But this is not the main thing. The main thing is that you feel comfortable. Of course, the number of choices that I offer you and the responsibility for them is a heavy burden. The support of a psychologist in this situation can be very helpful. I am glad to offer you my help. Best regards, Anastasia Umanskaya
Good answer 6 Bad answer 2 
Svetlana, you understand correctly that there is no way out. Even if you will be the most best wife, this does not mean that something will change for the better. The first thing you should pay attention to is the areas of discomfort, those where you are doing something, you experience discomfort, rejection, physical stiffness. And in the end, is there any veiledness to all this his betrayal. In general, there are too many questions - look for a face-to-face meeting, preferably with your husband. Good luck.
Good answer 7 Bad answer 2