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How to quarrel with a loved one less. Simple rules: how to fight less often. When is it time to stop

“It's hard for me! We need to hug to make sure we still love each other. "
“It's hard for me! You need to be alone in order to calm down, to understand yourself and the situation. “Sound familiar?

Some, more often women, flare up quickly during a quarrel and cool down just as quickly.

Others, and there are more men among them, try to control themselves: resentment or anger builds up slowly and, only having reached the boiling point, break out. It also takes time to recover, and a lot.

In each pair, one is more emotional and plays the role of "approaching", and the other is more restrained and is responsible for distance. Sometimes the roles can change. Yes, there are hot “Italian” families, whose dramas have been watched by neighbors for years, and a couple of phlegmatic people, but there are few of them. Either way, the rules of an effective truce work for everyone.

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Calm down

It is useful to express emotions, including negative ones: hidden and driven inside anger, resentment, pain only make it worse. Another thing is that the expression should be constructive. And sometimes, before "broadcasting" the negative, it is better to take a walk, take a shower, punch a pillow or do 50 squats. If emotional background rolls over and you know from experience that then you will regret what you said, squat down, and then swear.

This material was prepared for you by the team of the magazine Cosmopolitan Psychology

Make conflict productive

With the right scenario, you should come to a solution that suits everyone. And this is the most important point. Otherwise, no matter how touchingly you make up, a quarrel over the same issue will soon flare up again. By the way, hot “Italian” couples often fall into this trap: the fuse is gone, everyone is hugging, but the problem has not been solved.

Unfortunately, in addition to one-time conflicts, there are long-term and intractable ones - when controversial issue occurs at an enviable frequency. Does the mother-in-law like to come without demand and put things in order? Does your loved one not like that your work is connected with business trips? And you - that he throws clothes around? Such stories, even if they are connected with little things, are annoying, just like an incomplete tooth. This means that they undermine the relationship, taking away the positive and warmth from them. If good option there is no solution, choose at least a satisfactory one: such that at this stage (and not only at the moment of forgiveness-reconciliation) it is acceptable to both.

Separate the problem from the person

When making claims, do not deviate from the essence and do not get personal: when it comes to business trips, you should not blame the lack of a sense of humor or recall the intrigue of five years ago. After all, your task is to jointly find the right way out, and not prove who is right, who is wrong, and who is throwing clothes at all.

Apologize

And accept the apology. This is not easy to do: in a constructive apology, everyone admits guilt for their contribution to the negativity. Ask for forgiveness only for specific actions that you consider erroneous: "Sorry that I broke down", "I am guilty that I raised my voice." And - be sure to say what hurt you: “I was offended to hear that ...” It is wrong to apologize “for show” - in this case, the partner feels insincerity, and you, without understanding what the matter is, risk stepping on the same rake ...

Do not ask for forgiveness for the content of the conflict if the question really worried you: "Sorry that I am jealous of you" or "Sorry that I cannot love your daughter from my first marriage." After all, so you do not leave a chance for a decision.

In addition, you should not take all the blame on yourself: “Sorry, I have a disgusting character, I always spoil everything.” Both are involved in the conflict, and both are responsible for it.

There is no need for an apology with the proviso: “Of course, I'm wrong, but you yourself brought me on” - thereby we remove the blame from ourselves, outweigh it on the partner and give a round of a new conflict.

Do not rush

If a man, or you, or both of you, after a quarrel, needs to understand himself, be silent and calm down - this is normal. No need to artificially pull your loved one into a whirlpool of feelings or force yourself to smile and go to the movies - it will only get worse. You both have the right to privacy and reflection. The main thing is that this does not turn into a demonstration and manipulation - when it takes not time, but increased attention: "No, no, everything is fine, I was not offended, you shouldn't be bothered who cares about my feelings at all."

Love fever

Is it worth ending the reconciliation with sex? Yes, as long as “complete” does not equal “replace”. Let's say the reason for the quarrel is trifling, and the quarrel itself can be called an outbreak rather than a conflict. Then the release of the accumulated tension will help to feel the partner, his love and closeness. But on condition that both of you are ready for it. If one does not yet want tactile intimacy, even a simple hug, the second can only be patient. And to make it easier, shift your attention to other things.

By the way, the phrase “I never take offense at anyone” is just as implausible. It is normal to be offended, the main thing is to understand the reason and help yourself and your partner draw the right conclusions.

Someone has already found their pair, and someone else is in search! But how strong love would not be, problems, crises, quarrels in a relationship cannot be avoided! This is not pleasant side love, like people love each other, do not represent their own lives, but still sometimes there are conflicts, and in some places even the strongest scandals!

And after each such scandal, in which a lot of unnecessary, unnecessary phrases were said, we begin to torment ourselves and our beloved.

At first we go and get angry with our half, various caustic phrases are spinning in our language to continue the scandal, but after a while, our ardor and anger does not go out a lot and we are just offended that it happened so. That it seems that there is already no anger, it seems that you feel your guilt ... and you are ready to come up and speak, but pride immediately opens its mouth and yells to us: “No, don’t do this, which of you is a man and should be the first to make contact you humiliate yourself. He was guilty !!! ”

And you're still walking puffed up. And if your beloved asks you something, you simply cannot answer him affectionately, you answer rudely, making it clear that you are still offended and that he should not come to you!

Although half a minute ago, the only thing you wanted was so that he spoke to you! And then you start to sulk, it’s not even clear at whom!

And now you are not yourself all day, love for him and your pride are fighting in you.

Sometimes love wins right away and you yourself start a conversation with him, you apologize, and sometimes this does not happen. And you go to sleep, go to bed, and you blame yourself for everything.

You are so accustomed that he gently kisses you at night and wishes you sweet dreams and you fall asleep, hugging each other tightly, but alas, it won't happen today.

And you lie next to him, you are tortured inside a bunch different feelings and you think that tomorrow you will wake up, and what will happen?

Everything will be as if nothing had happened? Or you will still pretend to be offended.

And you hear that he has already fallen asleep, sniffs so sweetly next to him, and you quietly hug him, just so that he does not wake up, kiss, wish Good night and trying to sleep! But it does not work, because you fell asleep in an embrace, and then only you embrace him!

Again you take offense and turn away from him, trying to fall asleep.

In the morning, the result is different for everyone…. Some will not speak for weeks, and some will make up, kiss, and go to work with peace of mind.

Probably faced with the above described more than a half women of our planet. And everyone will find in this text a piece of herself. And each of you, more than once wondered how to avoid such unpleasant moments how to stop swearing and quarreling with your beloved husband, how to forget about offenses and disappointments, offensive words and insults.

You will not be able to completely get rid of them, but you can reduce them by 70 percent.

The most first rule of relationship, this is what people should talk a lot and not accumulate anything in themselves.

Is there something you didn't like about the behavior of your loved one?

You do not get angry in silence, but sit down and talk to him, quite calmly tell him and explain why you don’t like it. And ask him to do the same in the future.

In a relationship, you need to discuss everything and there will be much less conflicts.

Now many will think that they have already tried to talk, but nothing came of it, that their young man or husband does not know how to talk normally and resolve conflicts, and even more so to admit that he was wrong about something!

So it is, and you are not the only one like that, almost everyone has it! But he also needs to explain why you are saying this. In order for you to have harmony, there were no quarrels, and not just like that. So that in again point out to him on his cons (they initially perceive it that way).

Never be afraid of your POSITIVE emotions, express them even if you think you will look stupid.

Remember that people can live together, drink together, can make love, but only completely crazy, stupid joint actions show that between you and the truth, there is spiritual and mental closeness!

The pledges of happiness in a relationship are very simple, these are heart-to-heart conversations, openness to each other, honesty, empowering each other positive emotions, expressing your love in any way.

And dear girls, an urgent request, before starting a scandal, breathe and count to 10, during this time you will think it over, remember how terrible the scandals are and decide to simply, calmly talk.

Do you know the feeling when, after a violent quarrel and scandal, there is a great desire that there is strength to slam the door and leave forever in spite of another person? When grievances and claims go off scale and it seems that it is easier to leave than to stay.

From the point of view of psychology, this behavior is explained as a "child's defense mechanism" - so the child unconsciously tries to cope with an obstacle or a new difficulty that has arisen. He wants to run away from a task that he cannot cope with and avoid the consequences of a painful situation. And also a person is afraid of his own anger, from which the door "slams", in consolation that this will not happen again.

In such situations, in fact, there is another strong fear: everyone is afraid of losing a loved one and the existing relationship, being left alone with their own pain. And if such fear arises, it is very important not to take any harsh, rash actions, but seriously and in an adult way to think - what to do next?

For people who often have serious quarrels and conflicts, and whose relationship is on the verge of parting, psychologists give several useful tips... Try to remember them, and then during next conflict with your “half” you will have a chance to reduce his tension, solve everything more calmly and keep the relationship.

1. Take your time and make hasty decisions

If your relationship is of value to you, then is it necessary to leave, leaving the person with pain in his soul and uncertainty? Is there any point in running away from solving the issues that have arisen and staying on your own, trying to cope alone with the same heartache inside yourself? Think about how such a departure from the problem could end for your loved one, and, of course, for yourself.

What should be done:

Stay. No matter how much you want to leave and express the accumulated emotions with the help of the door, the most reasonable action would be to continue communication with your loved one. Only it will be necessary to lead it further in a new way, more calmly and balanced. To do this, you need to remember the next point.

2. Calm down yourself and let the interlocutor calm down

If we continue the conversation immediately, then the waves negative emotions that overwhelmed both of you, will rise again and communication will again be on emotions, and not on business. It means that it is necessary to reduce the intensity of passions, to cool down.

What should be done:

Pause briefly. The most commonplace is to mentally count to ten, inhale and exhale deeply for each count, and then continue the conversation in a calmer tone.

If passions were heated to the limit, if your communication has already turned into a scream, then a dozen breaths and exhales will not help. Then you need to agree on a pause of at least 5-10 minutes. You can stay in one room at this time and just agree to be silent for this time, no matter how much you want to say something or reproach something. For greater comfort, you can disperse to the neighboring rooms, just be sure to agree that through set time continue the conversation in a relaxed atmosphere.

By the way, about the situation. Sometimes it can be helpful to move the rest of the conversation to another room. A change of environment psychologically adjusts to a change in the course of communication. You can, for example, go to the kitchen, make tea, eat something tasty. Naturally, there should be no alcohol.

3. Remember the value of your relationship.

When a person finds himself in stressful situation, many things change their meaning for him. But at the same time, very powerful emotions that can motivate you to make wrong decisions. Therefore, it is important to have the right motivation.

What should be done:

You need to remember that your relationship is not only this conflict, and in general, not only quarrels. They have a lot of pleasant and important moments for you. Imagine, if you remove all these unpleasant skirmishes and resentments, how pleasant it will be for you to communicate with your partner, how much would you like to be with such a person? And before you make a decision or even more offend your loved one - distract yourself. Look around you, think about - what can you lose now? Most likely, you will come to the conclusion that it is better to make a small effort and resolve conflicts, preserving your love and further joint future.

4. Do you still love? Do you need this relationship? Show it to your loved one!

In quarrels and conflicts, both sides often forget about their love, about their feelings for each other, about the fact that they need each other. From this, grievances intensify, and mutual claims become even greater.

What should be done:

Do you still like your partner? You are experiencing in relation to him tender feelings, do you love him? Your relationship is dear to you? Tell him about it! Yes, right now, as soon as we remembered this. Yes, say it as best you can, with the words that now come to mind. Take his hand. Or hug and hold in your arms. Give your loved one the opportunity to feel that you need him. And gratefully accept his reciprocal feelings.

Any problems and conflicts can be solved if two people love each other and really want to be together.

5. Take half the responsibility for the situation.

In any situation, both parties are involved. Each person contributes to the creation of the problem. So it would be stupid and unconstructive to blame one of the participants.

What should be done:

It is not necessary to exclude the fact that you yourself may be wrong. Think about your involvement in creating the conflict? What exactly did you do wrong or how did you support the partner's actions that led to the problem? When you see your mistakes, your subsequent conversation with your loved one will become substantive, constructive. Your interlocutor will understand that you are no longer just blindly accusing him, but are really trying to resolve the situation that has arisen. This approach evokes a reciprocal desire to take steps forward, admit their mistakes and also try to solve difficulties without blame.

6. Discuss only this specific situation, do not mix in old mistakes

In any conflict, the main thing is not what kind of person and how many times he disappointed you earlier, but specifically this act, which many people often forget. V serious quarrels the conflicting parties forget about current issues, switch to personal accusations and remember everything that happened before.

What should be done:

Try to relax and clear your mind of all unnecessary things. Do not collect, because of one, even the next, misdemeanor of a person, all of his past mistakes with one pile. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and no one owes you anything. It will be more profitable for you to help the person correct the mistake and not make it again. But in the case of constant scandals on the same occasion, when the partner is not interested in changing anything in his behavior, it is worth thinking about why you need to continue the relationship and keep this connection?

7. Try to keep the relationship alive.

Sometimes the situation turns out differently - a quarrel threatens to end with the departure not of you, but of your loved one. He can no longer endure constant scandals and is on the verge of breaking off relations with you.

What should be done:

If you do not want this at all, try to delay it and slow down the "speed" and tone to a minimum. Give your loved one the opportunity to cool down, think, evaluate everything more soberly and calmly. In extreme cases, you can transfer the conversation to another, more the right time in a more relaxed environment.

But do not humiliate yourself and "fall at your feet" to prevent leaving. A calm conversation and discussion of their emotions and feelings, and not of each other's personalities, can seriously and deliberately make a decision together: is there any point in continuing the relationship further, and most importantly, for what?

If a person dear to you has repeatedly refused to calm down and continue the discussion on the case, then perhaps he is not so much interested in you and in relations with you. Then, whether you like it or not, you need to take into account the desire of your partner and think about the fact that maybe your relationship has come to an end.

8. If you decide to leave

In a situation where there are no more feelings left, love has faded away and there is no longer anything to hold on to in the relationship, you can decide to end the relationship. Nothing lasts forever in our world and you have the right to do so. Although such an act is very serious, it has far-reaching consequences and therefore needs to be considered very carefully.

What should be done:

If you do decide to leave, try to do it calmly. Respect the feelings of the person who has been associated with you for a long time. There is no need to leave a "bad" mark on the soul, which was happy about you. If possible, try to gradually turn your relationship into “ old friendship"Or keep your communication at least at the level of good friends.

These few points will help you to realize in time the fullness of the conflict, as well as its consequences. But in the case when it is impossible to understand yourself and your thoughts on your own, it is worth discussing this with a psychologist. After all, the problems may turn out to be deeper than it seems, and the specialist will help to sensibly evaluate everything not only from your side, but also from the side of a loved one. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings and ask for help - this can help you maintain your well-being and happiness. And what about the quarrels? They are in all respects in all couples. The main thing is to decide whether to leave or stay and in what way to do it.

Conflicts are an integral part of any relationship, but sometimes it happens that due to constant quarrels more and more pain comes to replace love. Working on your own reaction to conflict can make a difference. It will take a long time to learn to be open, understand and accept your partner, but this is a necessary step on the path to improving your relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Understand the causes of conflicts

    Determine what causes you to fight the most. It could be little things like hygiene, or it could be something more important, like jealousy, infidelity, or mutual commitment.

    Identify other factors that could provoke conflict. This can be alcohol, physical and emotional fatigue, stress at work or school. Solving these problems can help improve your relationship.

    Determine what role in conflict situations you play yourself. It may seem to you that only your boyfriend is to blame for all the troubles, but try to take a step aside and really assess your "contribution" to the emergence and development of conflicts. In some cases, admitting that you yourself did something wrong with your partner can significantly reduce the number and intensity of fights.

  1. Try to find an acceptable solution. Perhaps, although not necessarily, you know the way out. Think about what would be the ideal solution to the problem for you. Then ask yourself what other solutions might work for you. This will help you see the conflict in the broader context of your needs and the relationship as a whole.

    • If that helps, write down on a piece of paper what you would like to say to your boyfriend.

Frequent fights in a relationship make both sides of a couple suffer. And it is not uncommon for the thought to give up everything so that it finally ends. But it doesn't make sense to change the boat if you don't know how to control the oars. So, we learn to avoid conflicts and make our life happier!

High expectations

Often one of the partners love relationship thinks that he will cope with the shortcomings of a loved one later. However, after unsuccessful attempts, it starts to strain both.

Sometimes it's just enough to start accepting a person for who he is and stop changing him.

Tired of each other

It starts when people spend a lot of time together. Then all interesting topics are reduced to a minimum, there is more silence, disagreements, irritation, etc. That is why psychologists sometimes advise to rest from each other.

Jealousy

To a jealous person, everything seems suspicious: the other half returns from work for a long time, unfamiliar numbers call, too revealing outfit etc.

Often this can be eradicated by being more open with such a person and the exclusion of those moments that annoy him so much:

  • stop communicating with people of the opposite sex;
  • call back unknown numbers together;
  • talking on the phone on the way home, if you are late, etc.

Stress

They may arise in connection with a rush at work, not feeling well, misunderstanding with parents, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc. In such cases, there is often unfounded criticism and a sharper reaction to everything that happens around.

Living with such a person, you just need to be patient and start taking measures: give more time to rest, send for treatment, help with business.

Influence of outsiders

It also happens that others are not delighted with your choice, so they try in every possible way to "open your eyes." While you defend your loved one in front of them, you still unknowingly begin to pay attention to what they talked so hard about. Irritation and frequent quarrels appear.

You can eliminate this by prohibiting discussion with your partner, or by minimizing communication with strangers.

What to do

Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still stays with you, despite the systematic abuse, then this says a lot.

Do not stir up the past

If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to react sharply to moments that were somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and did not think about anything.

They say correctly: the less you know, the better you sleep. Forget about what came before you and do not be interested in this, and you will not have any jealousy, no "troubles" or other "headaches". This person is already with you. What else is needed?

Don't leave questions unresolved

It would seem that sometimes it is better to just end a quarrel by bringing it to naught with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to those cases when you will not return to these situations.

If you would later like to exclude such actions of your partner, then it is worth talking. But this also needs to be done correctly:

  • tell about what made you nervous: “It was unpleasant for me when you ...”;
  • ask me not to do this anymore, if possible: “Do not do this anymore, please - don’t make me nervous”;
  • offer an alternative (how a person should act so that it does not cause negative emotions in you).

Important!
Do not forget the proverb “If you like to ride, love to carry sledges”. This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, caring, showing tenderness and willingness to fulfill the partner's requests in response.


Forget the words "You must / must!"

Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even own parents you don't owe anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - good, no - well, okay, so you can do it yourself.

A very simple solution is to replace the words "You must / must" with "I would be pleased if you ...". Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who didn't even want to do something is likely to meet you halfway.

And do not forget about the elementary rules of ethics - use the word "please" more often.

Lower the bar on expectations and requirements

The most common reason frequent quarrels in a relationship, it becomes that one of the partners requires too much, and the second cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, you do not need to strive to remake a person so that it is convenient for you. This is the lot of egoists.

Do you know why there are much less quarrels in calm couples than in you? Because they do not require that the boots do not constantly interfere in the hallway - the one who does not like it just silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not removed after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or the mood to do it, well, or he does not bother with it at all.

Don't stop accepting each other

Here are examples of how a person's worldview changes over time:

  • The guy is the "soul" of the company... He knows a lot of jokes, is always in good mood, will support any conversation. At first, for a girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in public. Then when a couple long time lives together, a capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as "show off" and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that a man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to annoy her, so she begins to "nag" him.
  • The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate... It attracts her partner, he considers this trait special, he says: "Damn it, my kitty is releasing its claws again!" In a couple of years life together she becomes for him "a bitch who wants to tame him."

So what are we for ... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that arose in you earlier - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings as advantages that make you smile and say: "Well, yes, this is how he is - my beloved person."

Important!
If you do not like something in a person, this is not his fault, but your whim. What annoys you can be attractive to other people.

Learn to quarrel correctly

So the quarrel begins. What does each of the interlocutors often do? Begins to defend his innocence. Moreover, not in the most benevolent tone. Such a conversation almost never leads to anything.

There are ways to make conflict more fruitful. For this you need:

  • speak only calmly;
  • if you see that the interlocutor is hot, say that you will not talk to him in that tone, it is better to wait for both of you to "walk away";
  • you do not need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and back it up with facts, arguments;
  • you should not interrupt your partner, as this is often annoying, which leads to a bad reaction;
  • remember: it is better to be silent more than to yell and offend the interlocutor.


Control what is said

Do you like to get excited and say a bunch of nasty things during a quarrel with a girl or boyfriend? Then do not be surprised that your relationship deteriorates.

The fact is that no matter how you later deny that, they say, it was said from evil, your significant other will remember all those hurtful words for a long time.

After this, it is not uncommon for a person to cool down, because we all want to be idolized, not humiliated.

Know how to ask

This point is very important, because, more often than not, this is where the dog is buried. Take a look at yourself from the outside. How you communicate? Would you like it if people talked to you the same way? It is not a fact that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.

Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are claims, instructions, etc. from your side.

If this is your case, then remember:

Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like them to communicate with you. See how your relationship will change! And almost as soon as you start to get it!

Most importantly, be gentle. No one will like it when there are complaints, reproaches, direct criticism, etc. in the conversation.

Let us give examples of what was said the same in meaning, but in different words:

- Badly:“How do you cook? Well, there is always a lot of salt! It is impossible to eat! "

Good: Can I ask you to add less salt next time? Salt, please, less - so, it seems to me, it will be even tastier! "

- Badly:"You are so lazy that you can't even sit with a child!"

Good:“Could you sit with the baby? And I would have done some business for now. Yes, and by the evening I will not get so tired, well, you know what I mean ... ".

Learn to accept rejection. If you get a “no” in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did so. Perhaps he is not feeling well, promised a friend to meet / help, is just tired, or even thinks that this is not his duty - these are all NORMAL explanations.

If they do not suit you, either resign yourself or try to act cunningly. For example:

  1. If the wife stops caring for herself, tell her how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with such and such a hairstyle, and as soon as she "conjures" herself, admire her appearance, give lots of compliments.
  2. Also in the case of a man: not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can involve him in this. For example, when rolling out dumplings dough, ask him to help you. Your request should be based on the fact that you are so bad at it, and it’s a little hard for you, and he is so strong and “handy” - he will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!

In the end, I would like to wish each reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that anyone can acquire!

And one more thing: before collecting things after another quarrel, think, will you really be good without this person? Is the reason for the quarrel so weighty? Is she worthy of your nerves?

Video: How to quarrel so as not to quarrel anymore