How to survive the death of a father advice from a psychologist. Time does not heal. Take on a new role

30.04.2019

The death of a parent is one of the biggest shocks in anyone's life. And although you are unlikely to be able to completely forget about it, there are ways to return to life, honoring the memory of the deceased. It is important to give yourself time to get used to the fact that your mother or father is no more, but not to get stuck in this feeling of longing and sadness. Grief has no time limit, so you can return to habitual life when you feel ready.

Steps

Part 1

Acceptance of your feelings

Do not rush to discard sadness. Do not rush yourself and set a deadline after which you will return to ordinary life. IN Victorian era In the UK, 2-4 years were allocated for mourning. And while you don't have to follow this example, remember that you may recover in a few weeks or months, but chances are you'll need more time, so don't set a time limit. Be patient.

Remember that grief is a process. Most likely, you will worry for a very long time, although over time this feeling will begin to weaken. Don't rush yourself.

Remember that the deceased parent would like you to continue to live. There is nothing wrong with being depressed, but your parent loved you and wouldn't want his death to cripple your life. Gradually start doing things that brought you pleasure again. Of course, this is not easy, but do not forget that your parents are happy when you are happy. This does not mean that you should bury all your feelings deeper, but you should try to enjoy the usual things again.
- If you feel completely crushed by the loss and cannot immediately return to business, the memory of the deceased should not make you feel guilty for your inability to collect yourself.
Keep the deceased parent in mind. He will always be a big part of your life, no matter what happens, even if he died. Write down your memories, because time erases many things from memory. Know that your father or mother will never leave your heart. You can find solace in the memories, but don't worry if you can't remember some small details.
- Talk to people who knew your father or mother - so you will have more memories. From time to time you can talk about the deceased to those who did not know him.
- Ask questions to relatives to understand what your parent's whole life was like. It will bring memories back to life and you will feel connected on a new level.
Take care of yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. Rest more, distract yourself with something and stop criticizing yourself at least for a while. While you may be so wrapped up in your grief that it doesn't matter what state you're in, you need to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep a day, eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and maintain at least a minimal level. physical activity. You will likely need energy to deal with the loss, so taking care of your body will make you feel better.
- Of course, sleep and food will not save you from thinking about the death of your mother or father, but thanks to them, it will be easier for you to do routine things.
Find out what makes you feel blue. It is important to understand when it is the hardest for you and when you need additional support. For example, if you have lost your mother, you may want to spend more time with family and loved ones on Mother's Day; in addition, you may be upset by the things that you usually did with her (for example, going to the store for shopping). If you understand when exactly you become unbearably sad, you can plan your day in advance so as not to be alone.

Don't get hung up on the five stages of grief. Indeed, there are five stages (denial, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance), but that doesn't mean you have to go through all five stages, in that order, to recover from grief. At first you may feel an intense yearning, then denial, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone experiences grief in their own way.

Don't make quick, rash decisions. The death of a parent may lead you to think that your marriage is meaningless, that your career is going nowhere, or that you need to drop everything and go raise chickens in the countryside. While all of these thoughts may be valid, don't make impulsive decisions or act until you feel ready to weigh and evaluate everything again. It is unlikely that a sudden decision will help you survive death faster, but you can accidentally make a choice that you will later regret.

Part 3

Back to life

Change your usual routine. When you can return to your regular activities, change your schedule. If you do everything exactly as you did before, at certain times of the day you will feel an acute longing for the departed parent. Make changes to your daily routine: if you usually work from home, move to a cafe; if you used to talk to your mother in the evening, do yoga at this time. This does not mean that you should avoid everything that is connected with the memories of the parent - you just have to change something, and you you can recover from losses faster.

Try something completely new. Sign up for drawing classes that you have been eyeing for a long time, meet new people or download a new series. Pamper yourself. You do not have to do something that will certainly enrich you spiritually or physically.

Do things that you have always enjoyed doing. It is important not only to try something new, but also not to forget about your favorite activities. Perhaps you love to draw, write poetry, or bake pies. You should not deny yourself these hobbies just because you think that you are now too upset for this. Soon you will notice that you again get pleasure from these activities, albeit very little.
- If you're not yet ready to do something you did with your deceased parent (like hiking or jogging in the morning), take a friend with you if you really want to get back into those activities.
Give up alcohol for a while. Now not the best right moment to drink a lot and dance with girlfriends. Alcoholic drinks will help you forget about problems for a while, but alcohol is a depressant, and it can only make you worse (either when it starts to wear off, or the next day). You can drink a little if you feel like it, but do not allow alcohol to overly affect your physical and mental health. mental condition. If you are taking medications, find out if they are compatible with alcohol.
Keep yourself busy. Fill your days useful activities. Meet friends at least once a week, talk to people. Get out of the house at least twice a day under any conditions. It is important to work or study, do housework, play sports. If any is planned interesting event, do not refuse to participate, because this way you will have something to look forward to. Active life help you bounce back faster from a loss, even if you have to push yourself forward.
- You don't have to be busy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Schedule some time for yourself. You should sometimes be alone to think about your own, even if these thoughts are not joyful.
Keep calm - this is very important. Treat yourself, do things that make you feel better.
- Write down your thoughts in a diary. Daily entries allow you to organize your thoughts.
- Try yoga and meditation. This will help you free your mind and body.
- Spend more time in the sun. Get out of the cafe and read in nature - some sunshine and fresh air are never redundant.
- Reread your favorite books. They can comfort you.
- Listen to calm music (nothing too heavy or loud).

At the very beginning, I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards the death of a person has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about her if she died old man. There is a death that happens to people of middle age, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief caught small child, are often silent about it. What is it connected with?

First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. The phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I do not come into contact with this, this will not happen to me or to my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us has died. There are funerals, commemorations, memorial days. On them people cry, eat and drink. And often we are faced with the problem when we do not know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy with our acquaintances. Usually the phrase is: "Please accept our condolences."

Thirdly, it is not always clear to those in whose family grief happened how to behave with people. Whether to talk about your trouble, to whom to report? People can choose two lines of behavior. One of them is to close, withdraw into yourself, experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the other world, that he is well, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person can handle grief and"stuck" in German This is called "complicated loss symptom" and they come in several forms:

Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no more. Even years later, the reaction to memories is very acute. Let's say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago, his photo is everywhere. Man does not go out real life lives on memories.
Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen with the loss of a child: a woman strongly blames herself, respectively, emotionally strongly attached to death.
Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Usually such suppression results in psychosomatic illnesses, including headaches.
Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. Sudden death loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, exacerbates self-blame, aggravates depression.
Delayed grief. A person seems to be postponing for a while the passage through the stages of loss, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
Absent grief. The person denies the loss, is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described the healthy stages of experiencing loss or acute grief. For each person, their duration and intensity is individual. Someone can get stuck in one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of experiencing grief, you can help yourself to really mourn for a person whom you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced a loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. He seems to be in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by such phrases: “This cannot be”, “I do not believe”, “He is still breathing”. A person can try to feel the pulse himself, it seems to him that doctors can be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death did not happen.

What to do: there used to be a good tradition when a deceased person was at home for 3 days - this helped to realize what had happened. Now those who are saying goodbye are approaching the coffin, kissing the deceased on the forehead - this is very important action. So a person feels that a really close one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you did not see the body of the deceased, did not see the funeral, then the stage of denial may be delayed. You will understand that a person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. The person becomes aggressive. And here it all depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also yourself, that, for example, did something wrong. Can accuse the deceased himself that he was not careful or did not follow his health. Anger may be directed at other relatives. There are such phrases here: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: It is important to understand that anger is normal reaction. The basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to respond. Get angry, discuss your anger, write it down on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, now it hurts a lot, the process of experiencing the loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to a person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: "If I devoted more time to my mother, she could live longer." In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person goes into his fantasies and tries to seem to agree with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play through these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that dear person will never be around again. The main thing is to stop in time, not to go into a sect. Remember the soldier resurrection scams?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy, says: "Everything is meaningless." Depression can be expressed in different form. It is very important to take care of yourself and seek help in a timely manner. People complain about Bad mood, depressed state, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, tried to bargain. Now he understands that really nothing can be changed.

What to do: neither in in which case you can not be left alone, be sure to invite to friends, relatives, ask them to take care, let them stay in yourself, cry enough, worry. This is fine. The time is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has really gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. Come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build your life in a new way. Of course, he will remember a loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for having found the strength to honestly endure grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to the acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, half a year and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance, it is precisely such time frames that make it possible to gradually come to an acceptance of the situation.

9 days. Usually a person is not can understand to the end of what happened. Tactics here, most often, two. Either leaving for yourself, or excessive activity V funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, cry, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, a grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, he dreams of the deceased.

Six months. Gradually there is a process of acceptance. Grief seems to “roll over”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

Cry out. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. Having a good cry and doing it regularly, as long as there is such a need, is very important. For feelings to find an outlet. If there is no desire to cry, you can watch a sad movie, listen to sad music.
Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Let you tell the same thing to the tenth acquaintance - it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
Get on with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, cook the soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It's grounding and helps you stay on your feet.
Follow the routine. When you have regular activities, it also helps your mind to be more calm.
Write letters to the dead. If you have feelings of guilt or other strong feelings to the deceased, write him a letter. You can omit it without an address in Mailbox, take it to the grave or burn it, as you like. It can be read to someone. It is important to remember that the person died and you stayed, take care of your feelings.
Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to survive the situation on your own and even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Do not be afraid to consult a psychologist.
Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Indulge in simple pleasures.
Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so take care of planning. Set goals for the future and start realizing them.

What to say to children?

It is very important not to lie to the child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take the child with you to the funeral. Some children may have a negative perception of the process of digging into the ground. Therefore, it is important that there is an emotionally stable person next to the children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell the child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain, get over the situation. Each case is unique, so it is best to refer to child psychologist to help you deal with trauma.

Question to a psychologist

January 19, 2012 was a terrible day in my life - it was on this day that my father died in my arms with my mother. The day started as usual, dad got ready for work, kissed mom, and 20 minutes later he called and said in a hoarse voice that he had a bad heart. What miracle he got to the house remains a mystery (. We waited 50 minutes for an ambulance, but never waited - my beloved daddy died. Then there were doctors, police, funeral agents, a funeral. It's been 14 days now - I feel that not I cope with my misfortune - I cry every day, I wait for him from work, I mentally ask him to dream.
Please help me cope with grief. Mom and I are just devastated ((

Hello Julia! I sincerely sympathize with your grief...

dad died and this is grief and loss for you, for mom, for the family - the loss of a beloved father for you, the loss of a husband for mom ... you have the same grief for two, but different in loss - mom lost her husband, partner, you - father ... and this pain, resentment, anger, anger, emptiness will not pass quickly because it is important for both you and your mother to realize and accept this care, let it go ... this will all happen gradually - now let all your feelings be - pain , hopelessness, grief .... You must live and survive this in order to come to terms and realize, accept this loss - talk to your mother about your feelings, cry, listen to your mother, remember your father ... in this way you will gradually let him go, leaving memory of him in my heart

think - what would your father wish, being THERE, for YOU HERE? it is unlikely that you continue to constantly suffer for him, most likely he would like to see that his life was not in vain - that there is a daughter who is growing and who will be happy in life (after all, this is what parents want - to see children happy), so that my mother also finds the strength to live on, remembering him and conveying the memory of him to future grandchildren ...

this is a difficult stage, but only through awareness of pain can you accept it and gradually return to this world - live, communicate, build relationships - you have all the way ahead and from the fact that you can afford to live - you will not betray your father from this

You realize that the pain goes away when you can remember your father and smile at your memories.

if it will be difficult to go through this period, contact a psychologist in person to end the relationship emotionally..

Good answer 4 bad answer 2

such a loss is an extremely difficult experience, let yourself grieve, cry. If there is something unspoken, unspoken - do it simply - write a letter to your father, so you will have the opportunity to complete what remains unfinished. Talk about your father - this is important now, remember good moments, moments of happiness, love and warmth - let just such an image remain in the soul of your and your mother. Do not hold back the sobs - you need to cry out all the heaviness that is.

And also think about this: it’s very difficult for you and your mother now, you were left without a loved one, a loved one. And dad got some new life, some new existence - we just don't know which one yet. In this new existence, your long-term grief is unlikely to help him - it would rather be more correct if he is calm and happy for his loved ones. Gradually get out of grief. Life is worth living!

Also look here memoriam.ru

If you feel like you can't do it at all, get in touch.

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

When someone close to you dies, the feeling of loss can overwhelm you completely. There is no one who is easy to let go. Therefore, when a father dies, it may seem that it is impossible to survive this loss. Is this reaction to grief normal? How to deal with your feelings? How do you get over the death of your father?

Acknowledge and mourn the loss

Very often, the first feeling that comes after the news of the death of a loved one is disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that not agreeing with this, you can avoid experiences. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. That is why there may not be tears right away or at a funeral.

However, through certain time Awareness still comes, and it is always unexpected. Sometimes they say about such feelings that they "cover with the head" or "completely cover, without giving the opportunity to think about something else." During this period, you need to give vent to feelings and mourn your loss.

You can't let anyone decide if a grief reaction is normal. It may seem to someone that a person is grieving too much or not enough. Such an opinion of others is better to forgive them and forget. The reaction to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.

One way to release your feelings is to let your tears flow. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings, it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. Actually this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction, the body is designed in such a way that, along with tears, substances are released that soothe nervous system. So tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.

You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. Can stop the fear of misunderstanding or unwillingness to upset others. But if everyone struggles with grief alone, it will only make the situation worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they rally together. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.

No need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse and who grieves more. It’s bad for everyone, and trying to support each other makes it easier to cope with your feelings.

There is a good chance that someone, due to severe pain, will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now in this person his pain speaks. Most likely, in fact, he does not think so, he just feels that way at the moment.

There are situations when it is impossible to talk about your feelings, or simply there is no one with whom. Some say that it became a little easier for them after they expressed their feelings on paper. It can be a diary in which everything that worries is recorded, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for more than ten years. According to her, it helped her to get over her grief.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship with dad was, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. So our subconscious tries to explain what happened. It pops up in my thoughts: “if I persuaded him to go to the doctor ...”, “if then we had not quarreled ...”, etc. This is part of the reaction to the loss that you can’t come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of the circumstances.

It must be remembered that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step. Missing something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone to die and not being able to foresee something are two different things.

It is clear that no one had any desire to harm the father. Therefore, it is not necessary to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone's guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts are haunting, during the conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find the guilty, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation is indispensable, you need to choose your words very carefully. And do not be surprised to hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone's guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to feelings of guilt, there may be a sense of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately no one can perfect child for his father. This does not mean that dad was not loved enough. This means that all people are not perfect, and this must be recognized in relation to ourselves.

How to live on

Immediately after the tragedy, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. It is necessary to make a conscious effort to return to the usual daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t get back to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.

Do not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is pushed back. Resolve issues in advanced stage more difficult.

Making decisions

Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death, there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:

What to do with the things of the deceased and with everything that reminds of him?
Does a mother need to move in with adult children?
If the children are still too young to earn money, how can a mother support a family? How can they help her?

Some believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the things of the deceased, so that nothing stirs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they rushed to such a decision. Of course, at first, most likely, these things will cause pain, and it may be worth removing them. But then, when the pain subsides a little, it may appear desire touch anything related to the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something to remember.

Another serious decision is the mother's move to adult children. For children, it may seem the only right decision to be taken as soon as possible. However, such a move is an additional stress for the mother. No need to rush her: perhaps it is best for her to mourn her loss in the house where she lived with her husband.

It can be very difficult when a mother is fully responsible for taking care of her children financially. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after the death of my husband, I don’t need anything anymore.” It's not selfishness, it's pain. But this is the situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to find out about possible benefits and payments in state institutions and at the place of work of the deceased. You don't have to turn down help.

Do not go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother goes headlong into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. Do not expect that after the redistribution of responsibilities, everything will immediately work out. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.

Patience towards yourself and others

Often the pain of loss weighs on a person longer than he expected. Therefore, you need to be patient, not judging yourself or family members for suddenly surging emotions. From year to year, seemingly gone feelings can return again and again. This is fine. Sometimes those who mourn the loss are thrown from one extreme to another: either you want to constantly talk about the deceased, or you don’t want to remember, so as not to hurt yourself.

Patience will also be required in relation to others. Most likely, many of them will feel embarrassed and not know what to say. In such situations, people often say something inappropriately or tactlessly - not because they have malicious intent.

Some who have lost their father get scared when sharp pain starts to subside. It may seem that love for him has weakened. But it's not. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. It means focusing on the good things that happened and moving on with your life. This is not a betrayal, but a gradual one.

Of course, immediately after the death of the pope, it may seem that relief will never come. But if you accept the loss and mourn it, take the time to make serious decisions, and patiently manage emotions, you can feel better over time.

Irina, Pyatigorsk

accept my sincere condolences! Keep yourself occupied, try to relax! I can't recommend anything else! Only time will help! My dad died 1 year 7 months ago! Now it's much easier! And then I thought that I would not survive this! I don’t even know what could be more painful than the loss of the dearest and closest person! Hold on!

Only time...

TIME HEALS AND HEALS!!! 4 years of life-SURVIVAL!!!
January 2010 - grandmother's death;
June 2010 - death of the second grandmother (cancer);
July 2010 - godfather's death (cancer);
my birthday October 2010 - the death of my mother (burned down in the house). IN recent times we didn’t really get along with her. Two weeks before that, she dropped a cup of salt (all over the kitchen), on my birthday they gave me two roses (as I remember now that I tried to laugh it off that I wasn’t going to a funeral), and also, in the evening my sister and I called and said that our house was on fire, as I remember now, they ran out in their bathrobes. And the words of the firefighters that the woman burned down there ... She drank 5 vials of valerian with Corvalol, fell asleep ... In the morning a neighbor came and brought a tray of cakes, said that her mother had brought it yesterday, asked me to pass it on so that she would not be offended ... But then the neighbor had not yet I knew my mother was gone...
4 years have passed...Ask what has changed? NOTHING!!! I ask them for forgiveness every day, I remember them every day, I miss them every day ... YES!!! I understood what it means to appreciate ... and I have always been an egoist before ...
February 2014 - grandfather died ...
I feel like a woman who has lived a lifetime ... With black and old stripes ... I remember all the good and bad ... and I'm only 22 years old ...
Yes, I live on!!! I live because they gave me life!!! And for them I have to live!!! But it's hard for me, very hard... BUT, I know ONE thing for sure!!! MY RELATIVES will never be forgotten!!! My children and grandchildren will know about them!!!
Tatyana, Ryazan.

Time, only time.... My husband died 2 years ago, my youngest son was 9 months old. A year later, my mother suddenly died of oncology .. and after another three months, the old daughter died, she was only 17 years old ... If it weren’t for little son I would go crazy...

Well, when my father died in a terrible accident 8 years ago, I definitely didn’t write to the Internet on that day .... somehow not before that .. but in general only time ... there are no other “medicines” ...

Recently, my grandmother died ... Who was like a mother to me and like my best friend ... It hurts a lot, but I'm used to living with this pain ... Almost every day I ask her to forgive me for everything, because very often I did not offend her for what ... For yelling at her when she called often just to chat, when she didn’t live with her ... How I miss it now ... Every evening I say how much I love her, and I regret that I rarely told her about it before ... Author, hold on, I really sympathize with you ....

I scored in the search engine “How to survive the death of relatives ....“ I found your site. I read many letters of grief from survivors ....... or maybe there are no people who have lost relatives. My story is probably no different from all those already written here. ........ The second year that mom and dad are not next to me (it’s still scary) I lost them in one month, 29 days among the funerals. They still had a lot of life and health, at least I thought so. Dad died suddenly. I had a heart attack while fishing .......... they found him already frozen on the river. The picture that I drew for myself from the stories of those who found him, I still see in a dream. I know one thing .. ...... he felt bad, he probably knew that he would not survive, he was slowly freezing, his body was severely frostbite. When they told me about this, I thought I couldn’t survive, I thought I’d go crazy. At that moment I was at work ... ... rushing about like a lioness in a cage screaming. It's terrible to remember what was in my head. It seemed that this was a nightmare and when it would end ....... the road to my parents' house was a long (200 km.) night, winter. ...... and like infinity. For three days the ambulance did not leave us. I thought ALL LIFE IS OVER. My father was the most close person, my mother and I did not have such mutual understanding ...... after the funeral of my father and mother, my brother remained to live. !!! Horror in my head! Brains, body, soul are dead. herself. She sent the child specially to visit her father so that she wouldn’t see me in such a state. At work, I came across the condemnation of colleagues, there were questions like “How can you smile after such grief?” “Where there are two deaths there and a third, wait!” ...... what God knows at that moment I felt. I didn’t have anyone who could cry, those who could have been far away, tears on the phone ....... not even more so every evening , it wasn’t always on time and didn’t want to burden anyone with your grief. Four walls and you are alone with your grief. I thought I’d go to a madhouse. to get out of this state, I am insanely grateful to him. The pain dulled a little. Mom and Dad didn’t dream of me until a year after death, I always suffered from this. A year and a half has passed. constantly, as soon as I stay alone, I try not to show anyone how difficult it is for me. I come to my parents’ house with tears. I can’t sell, my hand doesn’t rise, and I can’t live there myself. ....

Got it in a search engine

My dad died on January 29, he was 47 years old. I called in the morning, we talked, agreed that I would come in the evening. I came and didn’t open the door, but I was at home myself (the key was in the lock), I freaked out and left. This was already, fell asleep under the TV and figs get it. The next day they came with my mother, again the same picture, the TV is working, the light is in the same rooms. They called the police, broke down the door, and he was sitting in the kitchen, in his favorite place, already dead. He choked, but could not clear his throat, the ribs were tightened with a belt (the ribs hurt). When I saw him I thought I was going crazy. The guy immediately took away from there.
It's extremely hard for me. I still don’t realize what happened, I still want to call him, chat as before. I cry at night, I can’t believe that I won’t talk to him anymore, I won’t see him. For me, he is the ideal man, we have always been very close spiritually, we understood each other perfectly. At home, everything reminds of him, clothes hang, shoes stand, as if he had just come home and is sitting in the kitchen in his favorite place. Now we live with my grandmother, we will sell that apartment, neither I nor my mother will be able to live there.
Insanely hard for mom, in the summer they would have had 24 years from the wedding day. I'm holding on for her.

Alinochka is my girl! I, too, first lost my son at 3.5 years old, died due to illness, then 8 years ago my mother died, then divorced my husband almost immediately, and soon it will be a year since my dad died, he was ill for a long time. I am now alone, all alone. at 41 without children, without relatives, elder sister there is, of course, but she doesn’t want to accept me, not to be related, that’s why I’m writing that I’m alone. It’s very hard, while I worked every day, I tried without days off, I only cried at night, but now I’m very sick, dizzy for a month. I cry from morning to evening, I felt even stronger loneliness, doctors cannot make a diagnosis, severe depression. You wouldn’t even wish this on your enemy. so hold on dear, it’s very difficult, sometimes it’s even a sin, I think that I might not live at all, it stops only that it’s sin and you won’t meet your relatives in the next world. Loneliness is very scary. I don’t know how old you are, but if you give birth young, for yourself, even if you are not married. believe children are the flowers of life. Hold on!