Long-term relationship with a married man, advice from a psychologist. How to build a lasting relationship. Why married women are more willing to date married women

Love, like many other feelings, has an expiration date. Unfortunately, few are lucky enough to experience love to the grave. It seems that everything is calm and good in life, but one morning, waking up, you clearly understand that a stranger is next to you, that the relationship has reached an impasse - you need to leave, but you don’t leave and torment yourself and him. Why?

One of the common prepositions is habit. You are used to this person, you know what to expect from him, how to live with him and conduct a dialogue. But you can’t build relationships on the ashes of past feelings. Don't look back - look to the future.

Women are afraid to go into the unknown, to a new man. There, beyond, it is not clear how relations will begin to develop, there will be ups and downs, and here it may be lousy, but everything is clear in advance.

The biggest female fear- fear of loneliness. This applies to women at any age. Surprisingly, many representatives of the weaker sex cling to a man as their last hope, even if, apart from swearing and mutual claims, nothing else connects them. Such relationships should certainly end and quickly.

You need to learn to love yourself, part with unnecessary things and people, to raise their self-esteem to the proper level.

Desire to be the center of attention. All complexes grow from childhood. The girl once disliked by her parents compensates for the previous lack of care with the current ones. unpromising relationship, giving the man groundless hopes for the continuation of the novel. Such girls need to be loved and idolized by absolutely all familiar and unfamiliar men.

Leave and don't come back

You need to clearly understand and decide for yourself that you do not want to continue and further development relations. There is only one way out - to complete the novel completely without any reservations.

If you cannot understand yourself, internal torments on your own, contact a psychologist, at whose reception you can tell the reasons for your experiences. And he, in turn, will help to sort out your feelings.

Lead personal diary, in which you can fix all the incoming emotions, feelings, thoughts. After re-reading the entries with a fresh mind, you will probably understand what exactly you want.

Deciding on such important step Think about your partner too. Such things cannot be said immediately. Prepare for a conversation. Select neutral territory- some small restaurant or cafe, a crowded place where you will not be able to give vent to feelings.

Try as accurately as possible, calmly, without raising your voice, to explain to the chosen one why your relationship has reached an impasse, and you do not want to continue it. Put an end to it: dispel all doubts so that in the future the person does not bother you with calls and messages, harboring unreasonable hopes.

Of course, after a breakup, it is impossible to remain friends, but try not to bring the relationship to a sworn hostility.

In order not to break loose and not try to return everything, take the appeared free time something useful: sports, yoga, cooking or sewing courses, learning foreign languages. Soon, sick emotions will recede, and you will live a measured life.

There are situations in life when, for some reason, it is necessary to end relations. Of course, for the most part, these situations are associated with the need to break close, intimate relationships. relations with the person you are addicted to. In this case, you must understand that it depends only on you whether you can do it. Psychologists offer techniques that can make this difficult step easier for you.

Instruction

First of all, analyze the current situation, and if it is unavoidable, decide to stop it decisively. relations. Free yourself from any desire, think about what you are afraid of and what fears are keeping you from. Start fighting to overcome them. Try to separate your personality from the personality of the person you depend on. Raise your self-esteem and learn to live without the object of your affection.

Start writing a diary of your relationship, describe your thoughts and feelings, record your relations, analyze them. Rereading it, you will understand whether you are really guided, identify behavioral patterns and emotional reactions for recurring situations. Start giving to yourself from the position of a wise, experienced person, set yourself up for the fact that you have already grown up and become strong man able to live.

In that difficult period you most of all need the support of your friends. Maybe it makes sense to confide in several people, because you will relive your situation again and again, talking about it, and it will be difficult for one person to listen to it all. In addition, you have the chance to listen to multiple points of view. It will be easier for you if around you you will see people who care about your life.

Many people don't understand the difference between short term and long term relationships. This becomes especially a problem when people aimed at long term relationship are starting to use pickup techniques, styles and techniques to build them. Looking at all this, I decided that it was simply necessary to write such an article.

At first glance, the difference between long-term and short-term relationships is obvious to everyone: the former last a long time, the latter end quickly. However, the mechanisms involved in building each of these types of relationships are completely different. How does this difference manifest itself and why is it critical?

And everything is very simple: when short-term relationships arise, people in them show each other their most the best sides, a certain positive (sometimes almost ideal) image is created.

What do you need to quickly drag a girl into bed?

You need to show yourself special, pump emotions, create passion, create such emotional background(fairy tale), so that emotions would block the arguments of the mind and she could not (would not want to) say “no”. For this, they are used different tricks, chips, mind-blowers, etc., often guys impersonate who they are not in reality. Simply put, they make an emotional outburst. And while it lasts, they drag the girl to bed. So what is the problem with this approach? And the fact that it is resource-intensive, which means it is difficult to make bursts of such a height regularly. Every day with the same girl it doesn't work that way. One, two, three days, a week. But if you continue like this, exhaustion will simply begin. And when he got the girl, there is no longer any motivation to strain so much. Especially if you started on a very high note, lit up yourself with a kind of macho, and your real life far from such, then it’s generally scary to show this very reality. After all, it is clear that after all these emotions, after all this fairy tale, reality will seem insipid and boring, disappointment will come. Therefore, it turns out that in a pickup truck it is important to splurge (often to deceive those who want to be deceived), and then dump it before other points start to emerge.

That is, it is important to understand that short-term relationships are primarily built on strong emotions, on passion, on the desire to receive. This emotion is also commonly called love (see).

I had to work with successful pick-up artists for whom the construction long term relationship was a problem and the cause of the problem lay precisely in this.

Now let's move on to the topic of long-term relationships. In a long-term relationship, everything is different, although, of course, in order for them to start, there must still be this same emotion, there must be a spark. But, if the relationship is long-term, then gradually you SHOULD show other sides of yourself. Emotions are good, but they tend to fade, disappear. So, they cannot be the basis for a long-term relationship.

What can become this very basis? How does it happen that some live together happily ever after?

In relationships, as a rule, people overlap (satisfy) a number of needs. The need for emotions, the need for sex, the need to raise self-esteem (to be praised), the need for protection (to be fed and clothed), the need for support (so that when problems at work, someone says that you can handle it), the need for approval (they agreed with you), the need to be needed (essentially the same security, with the fear of becoming unnecessary), etc. Some of these needs are more important (basic), others are less important. When people overlap each other with these basic needs, converge in beliefs, values ​​- a certain compatibility, friendship is manifested.

In fact, this is also love, it's just different. Not a mind-blowing passion, but a kind of pleasant comfort, when people just fit together, when they feel good and comfortable together. For example, if he likes to eat, and it’s normal for her to cook deliciously, then he feels good with her, and she feels good with him, because she loves when someone listens carefully, spends time with her, etc., and he easily gives it to her.

There can be many such combinations. But it is important that you can do what your partner needs. easy without stress, long time and vice versa. It's kind of like an addition. Like gears that fit together can spin freely side by side.

I want to draw your attention to the fact that it is precisely the misunderstanding of the difference between these two types of relationships that leads to problems. First of all, to problems in marriage. Why do love marriages fall apart faster than arranged marriages? Yes, because the former are built on emotions, and the latter on the addition. As long as there is emotion (love, passion) at the beginning of a relationship, people trying, straining, putting forth to give another more, they immediately cover all the needs with a vengeance. A person sees in his partner not real person but rather an idealized image. But you can't live like this all the time. As soon as the lovers decide that it is possible to relax, stop straining, stop holding back, as soon as they begin to live together and show each other and their other sides, then disappointment begins. Simply because, on the one hand, needs cease to be closed, and, on the other hand, that very idealized image gradually fades when confronted with reality. And claims, quarrels begin, there is a feeling that they have deceived, resentment. They showed one thing, but in reality it turned out to be quite another. And the requirement to get your ...

And the more quarrels, negativity, the more emotion (love) subsides, the more positive anchors are overwritten (see article), the significance of the other partner. And as soon as the emotion dissolves, the relationship falls apart, because it only held on because of it.

In general, I have a conviction that healthy strong long-term relationships are obtained when there is both emotion (love) and needs overlap. If any of the needs are not satisfied, and the person expects that her partner will satisfy her, this creates tension in the relationship. If this need is important (basic or one of the basic ones), then this may lead to the collapse of the relationship. However, they don't necessarily fall apart. There are enough families where, for example, people get along, they feel good and comfortable together, but the husband gets sex on the side. And the wife turns a blind eye to this, because the important needs of the wife overlap, she gets her attention and care. And for years, the husband does not go anywhere. After all, in the family, he also gets everything he needs. Except for sex, of course.

It follows from the above that if a person receives something less in a relationship, he finds it elsewhere. This is the main reason for change. If the husband does not give enough emotions (attention, support, etc.) to the wife, she can receive them in the company of her lover. But this is also not necessary. Needs can overlap in other ways. For example, the same support can be obtained from best friend, and emotions from achievements at work or actively spending time with friends. But then the family can take second place, and friends and work will come first.

People make a serious mistake when they close relationships on themselves, when they decide to always do everything together, stop seeing friends separately, have their own separate hobbies, etc. In such a relationship, they close themselves (the partner) the opportunity to satisfy their needs in places other than marriage. So, the whole burden falls on the relationship. And quarrels and claims begin: you didn’t do this to me, but you didn’t do it to me, you got me with your constant demands ....

Experience shows that if there is no sex in a relationship and strong emotions(love), such relationships can last a long time. But if they are built only on love (passion) or only good sex, then sooner or later fall apart. It’s just that it’s impossible to get along together, because of constant conflicts, because of unmet needs, because different habits different values ​​and goals in life. And vice versa, the more compatible people are initially, the easier it is for them to grind when life together begins.

In general, "I love him" is still insufficient reason for relationships, though good reason try.

Why did I write all this?

So that people who are trying with all their might to save relationships built only on love (passion), investing a lot of resources, spending their nerves and time on it, remembering how good it was in the first couple of months after they met and trying to return it, allow themselves to let them go . They allowed themselves to understand that this was not the same person. More precisely, the one, but for a short stormy romance that was and ended. And for a long-term relationship, you need another. The one with which to live. And which one exactly? This is what needs to be dealt with. But it's easier if you know what you're looking for.

There are always those who want to deceive the gods (read. D. London "When the gods laugh"). So someone will ask: "Can strong love(passion, love) be long? I will answer based on my beliefs about this now (maybe they will change, who knows) - maybe if this is a one-sided love addiction. But this is not something that brings happiness, and not something that can be the basis of a strong long-term relationship. In general, I wrote about this in my article. Increasingly, I think that it is necessary to rename it to "Mechanism love addiction”, but will it then be read with the same interest?

Careful examination of relationships among young people today reveals that relationships barely develop, and instead collapse into initial stage. Most significant factor here is that people do not follow the main cultural, ethical principles relations. I will share in this article four main ways in which you can build long term relationship that will last a lifetime. But before proceeding to this, it is necessary to emphasize the importance healthy relationships. Healthy relationships can be one of the best parts of your life. Good relationships will improve your life in every way, improve your health, your mind, and your relationships with other people. At the same time, relationships can be extremely exhausting if they don't work out. Relationships should be viewed as investments. The more we invest in them, the stronger and more productive they will be for us. Love and relationships require work, commitment and a willingness to adapt and change throughout life as a team. Each person's relationship is unique, and people start relationships according to different reasons. But there are some common things that are typical for good relations. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling, and exciting in both happy times and difficult times. What is needed for healthy love relationship?

, Comments on Long-term relationships disabled

Hello, Elena!

I'm 22 and I'm in a long term relationship with a man, we've been together for 5 years now. We loved each other very much, for the first three years I heard the words “I love you” every day. He was an authority for me in all plans - as a person, as a man, as a musician. I learned from him, became stronger, more independent, overcame my complexes, the traumas of my childhood.

Now our relationship has cooled down. 5 months ago we came to live together, and he insisted that I meet with my friends without him, go to sports. I became active, independent, I set goals for myself, I try to meet with friends at any time, even late at night, ride a bike, be well-groomed, go to a sports club.

Now I am more active than him: I work outside the home, and he has his own business, and he works at home, he does not have a fixed schedule. I gave him a gym membership, said that I was turned on by the sight of a man with a barbell, but he never got there. Since we moved in together, we have had rare sex - only 2-3 times a month. He is often dissatisfied, he does not like that sometimes I am not at home in the evening, I only once heard from him during this time that he loves me.

He goes to bed late, at 3-4 in the morning, that is, we do not fall asleep together and do not have breakfast. When I come home in the evening, he will cook food, but this is half an hour, then he is again at the computer, and I take care of myself and go to bed. If he does not want intimacy, he simply pushes me away, if I do not want it, everything turns out to be uninteresting. For six months now, our desire has not coincided.

Sometimes on weekends I stay with him on purpose, and I see his back because of the computer and dissatisfaction with me, I just get ready and find where to go. I don't understand this distance in our relationship. Is this normal for the 6th year of a relationship? Can I gently nudge him to be more active? Where is the line between independence of partners and indifference?

I have a feeling that he lives according to the model of his family. I don’t understand what role I should choose, I am an independent person, I don’t seem to need him. But we already have nothing in common, we are just partners or brother and sister, I don’t see what then keeps us together if he doesn’t even want sex. I don’t want to find fault and spoil the relationship, but now sometimes I have to cry quietly in the bathroom or just go out for a smoke.

I told him once that he doesn’t give me a hand when I get out of the minibus in heels, and he replied that he always gives, and continued to go out without turning around. How would you characterize this situation? Is this the stage of a long-term relationship or are we moving in the wrong direction, maybe I have taken the wrong position? I'm afraid that in the future we will only have household or business relationship or friendship. And at least I want sex.

Hello.

Despite the fact that you have a long-term relationship, you have only been living together for 5 months, so what is happening between you can be considered a crisis of the first year life together. All couples go through this crisis in one form or another, and it manifests itself in this way: you look at your loved one and understand that he is not at all what he seemed before. Close person and cannot be the way you want, because we all grow up in different families and get used to different ways of family life. The task of this stage is to create new rules that are suitable only for your family.

Your young man has always been an authority for you, so naturally you also rely on his views on family life. But these are only his views and desires, you can not share them and together with him change your life together so that it brings satisfaction to you too.

First you need to find out what his and your views are on those things in which you do not agree. For example, find out how often he himself would like to have sex. Is such infrequent sex a normal situation for him, or has his desire also waned for some reason? Is the communication that you have now enough for him, or does he also lack it, and he just doesn’t know what to do together? Perhaps you really different people over time, and you will not be able to find compromises that would suit both of you, but at the same time, it is likely that you will find them.

It is very important to talk about what you are unhappy with, and not suppress your dissatisfaction and not hide your tears. Sometimes people are afraid to spoil relations with reproaches and, but much more harm comes from the accumulation of discontent, because it cannot be accumulated indefinitely, someday an explosion will occur, during which it will be impossible to find constructive ways to solve the problem. In addition, it is not necessary to harass your partner with reproaches, you just need to let him know that the changes are very important to you, and offer specific ways or behavior that would suit you.

Do not expect your partner to hear you from the first time, because his habits have developed over the years, and no matter how much he loves you, habits are always hard to change, and no one wants to do this. If you want your partner to change any of his habits, you first need to understand whether he is ready to change it. If he is ready, then usually 3-4 reminders are needed in order for him to get used to doing differently. If you have already made 10 reminders, but he still does it the old way, then it is worth resuming the conversation about this, since it looks like the partner agreed to your terms, but in reality does not want to change anything.

You probably already understood that the development of such a style of living together that would suit both is a long and difficult process, it usually lasts about six months, because everything that does not suit you needs to be discussed separately and, as a rule, more than once. But this is how it is created new family, with its own rules.