Revision of relations: why it is so difficult with him. Psychology. How to end a relationship? How to end a hopeless relationship? How to end a relationship

Is he (she) it? Why is it so difficult to meet your soul mate? How to understand that this is really love? And do they really love me? .. Our whole life with dreams about great love is built around such questions. They disturb us, and we tirelessly ask them to ourselves, and sometimes to our partners.

In the age of consumption, when romance in flowers and chocolate hearts is sold every year on February 14 and March 8, and sex is increasingly being administered by glossy magazines and sellers of intimate goods, love is also becoming a consumer product. In a society where quick results without effort, win-win recipes and guarantees against any risks, we also unwittingly integrate our love into the format of instant profitability: "You disappoint me - we are less attracted to each other - that's it, it's time to leave!"

We expect passion from love

“When the first love subsides and the relationship becomes smoother, many couples really break up, - confirms family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Many men and women are sure that to love for real means being completely in the stream of passion. Chase after strong emotions turns out to be preferable to harmony, balance in relationships, desire to get to know the world of your chosen one better. " Some people may even develop an idea of \u200b\u200blove as a kind of addiction, akin to a drug addiction in strength.

Online dating is shaping consumer attitudes towards love

Why is love blind?

Alfried Langle - MD and PhD, President of the International Society for Existential Analysis and Logotherapy (GLE-International).

“Love is a remnant of heaven on earth. Lovers have no problems, they have all the forces of the world in their hands, they do not need sleep or food. AND true love the other, she is seer, she sees the human being. Falling in love, they say, blinds. Why? In falling in love, I see a person the way I want to see him. I still know him so little that I fill everything with my desires.

I am always in love with my own performance. And this is what makes falling in love a heavenly experience, because in my mind there are no shadow sides. In the other, we see his charm, attractiveness, eroticism. And we hang our ideas about him on these carnations. "

It's hard for us to give up the transcendental ideal

Form handsome prince or fairy princessit seems that everything is still invariably living in our dreams, not embarrassed by everyday reality.

“It is necessary to give up on time the ideal, almost ethereal image of your partner, otherwise you can fall into the trap of your own delusions,” Inna Khamitova is sure. - When does it start living together, many cannot stand meeting with a real person. Details appear that cannot be ignored, but perfect image it prevents the beloved from admitting that he is the same person as we are, and we may not like everything about him. "

But how is that not all? After all, we dream of a great, endless and unconditional love! “But only God can love this way,” those who have chosen the spiritual path say, moving away from the world behind the monastery walls. So how to combine the love of a man and a woman with such an unattainable height?

And those who are looking for a couple, and those who have been together for a long time - we all want true love: it seems to us last chance fully feel yourself, give meaning to your life. “The outlook on love has changed a lot since the old days,” says psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti. "It seems that it has become the only area of \u200b\u200blife in which we can be ourselves, freeing ourselves from other roles that society has burdened us with."

We are looking in love not so much for relationships with others as for opportunities to realize our "I"

Desperately, as never before, we pin our hopes on love: that it will give everything that we lack, awaken a taste for life and will certainly lead to happiness. But are we ready to make sacrifices for this purpose?

“The space of love is the only one in which our“ I ”is not constrained by rules and can unfold freely,” continues Umberto Galimberti. “Therefore, love contributes to the aggravation of our individualism. Today men and women are looking for in her not so much a relationship with another, as an opportunity to realize their "I". So it turns out that in order to realize ourselves, we need to love - and at the same time, it turns out to be more difficult to love than ever. Since today we are looking in love through another person, indirectly, our own “I”.

However, the thirst for self-realization only for its own sake is contrary to the nature of true love: being born between two people, it changes both. Partners are fully revealed not only for themselves, but also for each other. The meeting of two gives birth to a third, new actor - their union, and this must be reckoned with. True love requires our patience, perseverance, clear consciousness and the ability to accept things as they are. True love is an effort, our bet with life itself. And this love always returns a hundredfold what we have invested in it.

To truly love means ...

American family psychotherapist Harville Hendrix, in his book "How to achieve the desired love", described ten important stepsto move forward on the path of true love.

1. Understand what's in our love relationship there is also a hidden goal: to heal those mental wounds, which each of us carries in the soul since childhood.
2. Try to see in a partner real person, freeing from their own illusions and unjustified expectations.
3. Love unconditionally.
4. Carefully build our relationships, improve them day after day.
5. Understand that the wants and needs of the other are as important as our own.
6. Trusting your partner, letting go of the destructive habit of being unhappy.
7. Learn to see dark sides of our soul, so as not to project them onto another, not to blame him for what we do not like about ourselves.
8. Look for the strength and opportunities that we lack, without expecting from the other that he will fill them.
9. Talk about your needs and desires to your partner.
10. To understand and accept that it is difficult to truly love.

The relationship between a man and a woman sooner or later comes to the stage when you have to think: is it worth it to continue? Emotions sometimes lead us, and they are bad counselors. Sometimes the gap is obvious and inevitable - in the case of betrayal, violence, meanness. But more often than not, we doubt the correctness of our decision, especially if we have invested so much in this relationship ... There are always many reasons for parting, but not all of them can be considered respectful. Here are 10 reasons, any of which can be the main one.

When do you need to end the relationship?

1. You have different life values and goals. If people are united by common values \u200b\u200band attitudes in life, then they can be together, even if they are very different people... Conversely, if they value completely different things and strive for different goals, then true mutual understanding between them is impossible. For example, one of you wants to become an outstanding professional, and the other wants to live his whole life for free. One dreams of creating real familyand the second one wants to walk and hang out. One is trying to change the conditions of life for the better, and the second is satisfied with everything anyway ... The sooner you find out the true aspirations of each other, the sooner you will understand whether you have a common future.

2. He doesn't love you. If a man does not love you for who you are, then do not flatter yourself with hope: it means that this will never happen. Critical momentwhen he announces out loud: “I don’t love you,” it is better not to wait in any case, this inflicts a very deep wound on the psyche. If you do not feel his love, then listen to your feelings early. It is better to leave on time and hope that he will regret it (this, by the way, is a great motivation to achieve something in life) than to humiliate himself and put his soul into a relationship that is not worth it.

3. You don't love him. Unlike men, women can gradually fall in love with themselves. They can even live in a calm and harmonious marriagewithout experiencing any passions for the spouse. But is it worth trying to persuade and brainwash yourself while living with an unloved person? Especially if you are capable of deep feelings in relation to someone else. After all, if you do not love a person, everything in him annoys you and you begin to show all the worst that you have. It never leaves a trace for the psyche. Who knows what kind of trick your subconscious mind can throw out. Therefore, the utmost honesty in this matter is your only adviser.

4. He's a goon. This concept does not have a clear dictionary definition, but a sensitive nature recognizes the greediness in a person right away. Generally speaking, a redneck is a person who wants to be well at the expense of others. And good at its primitive level. If you are a subtle intellectual nature, then life with a redneck is impossible for you. You will prefer anyone next to you, but not a stupid, proud, moreover aggressive boor. Because he will always try to bring you down to his level. And fortunately in personal life it has nothing to do with it.

5. He constantly "looks to the side." there is different reasonsfor which men behave this way. Among them there are "lone wolves", banal males, chronic party-goers, simply emotionally flawed ... But one way or another, with such a person you never feel confident, because at any moment he can "lead" in an unknown direction. If he most often prefers the time spent somewhere and with someone else to the time spent with you, then such a relationship is unlikely to last happily ever after. Even if your natures are similar. Freedom in relationships is, of course, very important. But freedom is also a responsibility, and not everyone has it. Which is what we have to admit when the relationship ends.

6. He has too many problems. Women's worldly wisdom says: "Do not start dating a person who has more problems than you." No matter how at first you were blinded by falling in love, sooner or later this wisdom will be revealed to you. Of course, in an adult active person full of problems. But if you start to feel like a man's “mommy”, if you constantly try to help him in something, help him out, save him from something, listen, understand, justify, forgive, but you don't get any return, this means that he sat down for you. on the neck. What do you get in return? Is it worth it to continue like this? Considering that the problem and ingratitude are usually supplied in the kit.

7. You are indifferent to each other's needs and desires. Malignant indifference in general is an alarming sign, but especially if one of you is constantly showing it. Let's say you said ten times what you would like and what you dislike. With hints, direct text, scandals - and still nothing changes. This means that he does not give a damn about it and he will continue to ignore your desires and needs. Doing things that make you feel annoyed, hurt, and angry, and not doing things that make you content and happy. If you have frequent scandals on this basis, then the gap is not far off. And here, as in the absence of love, it is better to end the relationship first than to wait for a critical point.

8. You do not approve of each other's social circle. Since we live in a society, the social circle - kindred, friendly, professional - has an impact on us. Ideal if we like relatives, friends and business partners each other (or at least we are not opposed to them). But if we do not get along with them strongly, this is already a wake-up call. Each of them individually is capable of making a decisive contribution to the fact that the relationship eventually collapses. However, not just a call, but an alarm should go off if one of you is trying in every possible way to protect the other from communicating with relatives and (or) friends. It means that the matter is unclean, it means that there is a reason. But this reason in any case leads you away from trust and harmony. Sooner or later, she will tear you apart.

9. You are bored with him. There is no doubt that you will not wish anyone to live with an alcoholic, drug addict, redneck, problematic character, etc. But living with a person with whom you are bored before screaming is an ordeal. At some point, all his virtues and decency cease to matter. You are ready to run wherever you look and throw yourself into all seriousness, just not to return home and not see his lean face. So that people do not get bored together, firstly, they should not be boring, and secondly, they should have common intereststo have something to talk about. If you are bored with a man, then do not bring yourself to sin and part with him, because this is not love.

10. Negative emotions outweigh the positive. Everything that exists strives for balance. And therefore, no matter how difficult your relationship is, you can always answer the question of which emotions there are more: positive or negative. Are you giving or receiving more? Are you in pain or joy more? Are you more nervous or enjoying life? And if there is more suffering, nerves and dedication than calmness, trust and happiness, then why do you hold on to this relationship? Only you can give answers to these questions, and no one else. Try without hesitation to finish the phrase "My relationship is ...". If you formulate honestly and actively dislike this answer, then you are unhappy. And if so, then these relations must be uploaded. After all, life does not end with them. Moreover, this is the only way you will get a chance to change it for the better.

Love is not a single phenomenon, it is dual. It is a rope stretched between two polarities. You will have to understand these two polarities: one is sex, the other is prayer.
Love is a rope stretched between sex and prayer, part of it is sex, part of it is prayer ...

Osho

Because you are not yet. There is an inner emptiness and fear that if you start a relationship with someone, then sooner or later your emptiness will be revealed. Therefore, it seems safer to keep your distance from people; at least you can pretend you are.

You are not. You are not born yet, you are only a possibility. You are not yet fulfilled - and only two self-realized people can enter into a relationship. Being in a relationship is one of the most wonderful things in life; to be in a relationship is to love, to be in a relationship is to share. But before you can share, you must have. And before you can love, you must be full of love, overflowing with love.

Two seeds cannot be in a relationship - they are closed. Two flowers can enter into a relationship - they are open, they can send their scent to each other, they can dance under the same sun and under the same wind, they can have a dialogue, they can whisper. But for two seeds this is not possible. The seeds are completely closed, devoid of windows - how do they communicate?

And this is exactly the case. Man is born like a seed; it may or may not become a flower. It all depends on you - on what you are doing with yourself, whether you are growing or not. It is your choice - and you have to face it every second; every second you find yourself at a crossroads.

Millions of people choose not to grow. They remain seeds, they remain possibilities, they never become real. They don't know what self-realization is, they don't know what self-actualization is, they don't know what it means to be. They live completely empty, and they die completely empty. How can they enter into a relationship?

It will mean exposing yourself - your nakedness, your ugliness, your emptiness - and it seems safer to keep your distance. Even lovers keep their distance; they approach each other only to a certain limit and are always on the alert - when should they retreat? They have boundaries; they never cross these boundaries, they remain imprisoned within their boundaries.

Yes, there is some kind of connection, but this is not a relationship, but possession, possession. The husband owns the wife, the wife owns the husband, the parents own the children, and so on and so forth. But owning doesn't mean being in a relationship. In fact, to own is to destroy any opportunity to build. If you are in a relationship, you respect, you cannot own. If you are in a relationship, there is a deep mutual respect between you. If you are in a relationship, then you come very close, very, very close, in deep intimacy, touching each other. And nevertheless, the freedom of the other person is not violated, nevertheless, the other remains an independent individual. The relationship is the relationship "I - you", not "I - this" - overlapping, interpenetrating, and, at the same time, in a sense, independent.

Kahlil Gibran, poet, says: “Be like two columns supporting one roof, but don't try to take over the other, leave the other independent. Maintain one roof that is. "

Two lovers support something invisible and something immensely valuable: a kind of poetry of being, a kind of music that is heard in the deepest recesses of their existence. They support this together, maintain some kind of harmony - and, nevertheless, remain independent. They can reveal themselves to another because there is no fear. They know they exist. They know their inner beauty, they know their inner fragrance; no fear.

But usually this fear is there because you have no scent. If you open yourself up, then you will just stink. You will smell of jealousy, hatred, anger, lust. You will not have the scent of love, prayer, compassion.

Millions of people have chosen to remain seeds. Why? If they can become flowers and dance in the wind under the sun and moon, why did they choose to remain seeds? There is something in their solution: being a seed is safer than a flower. The flower is fragile and the seed is not fragile, it looks very strong. The flower is very easy to destroy: just a strong wind - and the petals will fly around. The seed is not easily destroyed by the wind, the seed is very well protected, it is safe. A flower - such a delicate thing - is open and exposed to so many dangers. Can swoop strong wind, it may rain downpour, the sun may be too hot, some fool may pick a flower. Anything can happen to a flower, anything can happen to it, the flower is constantly in danger. And the seed is safe, and therefore millions of people choose to remain seed. But to remain a seed means to remain dead, to remain a seed means not to live at all. Of course it is safe, but there is no life in it. Death is safe, life is not safe. Anyone who wants to really live must live in danger, in constant danger. Anyone who wants to reach the top should not be afraid to disappear. Anyone who wants to climb the highest peaks should not be afraid to fall from somewhere, slipping.

The stronger this drive for growth, the more and more you have to take risks. Real man accepts danger as his true way of life, as a true atmosphere of growth.

You ask, "Why is it so difficult to be in a relationship?"

It’s difficult because you’re not there yet. First - be. Only then is everything else possible. Be before.

Jesus says about it in his own way: "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all will be added to you." This is just an ancient expression of the same thing that I say: "Be first, and everything will be added to you."

First be - and then you can be in a relationship. And remember, to relate is great. Relationship is a completely different phenomenon; connection is something dead, frozen, reached to the point. You married a woman; this is the point, the end. Now everything will decline. You have reached the limit, nothing is growing anymore. The river has stopped and turns into a pond. Communication is already a thing, something finished; relationship is a process. Avoid connections and go deeper and deeper into relationships.

I emphasize verbs - not nouns; avoid nouns as much as possible. I understand that they cannot be avoided in language; but avoid them in life, because life is a verb. Life is not a noun, in fact it is "living", not "life." This is not love, this is "love." It is not a relationship, it is a relating process. This is not a song, this is singing. This is not a dance, this is "dancing."

Understand this difference, taste it. The dance is something complete: the finishing touches have been added, now nothing else can be done. Something finished is something dead. Life knows no points; commas - yes, but not periods. Destinations - yes, but not the destination.

Instead of thinking about how to be in a relationship, fulfill the first requirement: meditate, be, and then the relationship will arise from it by itself. The one who becomes silent, blissful, the one who begins to overflow with energies, becomes a flower, must enter into a relationship. It is not something that he has to learn, it starts to happen. He enters into relationships with people, he enters into relationships with animals, he enters into relationships with trees, he enters into relationships even with rocks.

In fact, he is in a relationship twenty-four hours a day. If he walks on the ground, he is in relationship with the ground; his feet touch the ground, he is in a relationship. If he swims in a river, he enters into a relationship with the river, and if he looks at the stars, he begins a relationship with the stars.

This is not a question of relationships, communication with someone in particular. The main point is that if you are, your whole life becomes a relationship. It is a constant song, a constant dance, it is a continuity, a stream like a river.

Meditate, find your own center first. Before you can be in a relationship with anyone else, get into a relationship with yourself. This is the main requirement that must be met. Nothing is possible without it. With him, nothing is impossible.

Tsvetaevskoe is immediately remembered: “It's getting worse, it's getting worse to wring your hands. Between us - not earthly versts, - partings ... ". A woman, crushed by a powerful feeling of grief, can be in vicious circle Hand-wringing and depression. The latter, like a black hole, draws the soul into its gloomy pool, does not allow to breathe deeply.

How difficult it is once again to grow invisible wings behind your back in order to make a dash and take off, to break into the world of hope for new life! What is the reason?

Why is it so difficult for us to get over the breakup?

According to research by scientists from Chicago, most men are able to come to terms with separation and let go of the object of their love in ... a second, while we women - beings with a very delicate mental organization - usually take a very long time to recover from hardships.

With the fact that men and women in emotionally too different for us the weaker sex, it is better to agree without unnecessary controversy. But if you need proof - here they are: 44% of the interviewed daughters, wives, mothers, girlfriends admitted that they only blamed themselves for what happened, while men did not even think to sort out their actions in order to understand what they were wrong.

Mental emptiness, inner chaos, chaos in thoughts, the inability to gather strength into a fist - this is only part of the consequences of separation ... Since childhood, we are taught anything, but not how to survive parting, let go of the situation, break psychological dependence... Nobody will instill this in us. Only we ourselves are obliged to fight for ourselves, our future happiness, for our children and future generations!

“And what does our environment and descendants have to do with it, if only I am experiencing acute grief, and no one will look into my plundered soul, will not fit into my skin ?!” - a woman can exclaim in despair. It's simple: while experiencing a loss, a person unconsciously creates around himself a heavy atmosphere of collapse. The process of disintegration goes along an invisible chain that connects you and those who are nearby.

In order to put an end to the past and start living with blank slate”, Not so much is required: to stop scolding and feeling sorry for yourself, to turn your thoughts from the past to the future, to find a reserve of that healing powerthat is hidden in every woman.

Turn the black stripe into a bright rainbow!

Often just such difficult situations, like separation, become an impetus for a woman to do not only her external, but also inner peace... Only by eliminating the main reason his serious condition, you can truly enjoy the world, people, events.

Psychologists have calculated that it takes a woman, on average, a year or even a little more to root out depression by the roots. If a representative of the weaker sex cannot cope with herself during this time, this means that she herself has launched a program of destruction, self-destruction, loneliness or infertility. This negative code is passed on to the next generations (today there is even a buzzword - "karma"). Look at the root to cut the threads that bind you and the memories that caused such a painful condition!

The Right to Be a Woman

How to learn to trust again

4 basic values \u200b\u200bin the family

The end of a relationship accompanies a person throughout his life, starting from the moment when he has to leave kindergarten, then go to school, then to a technical school or university.

In a family, we too can end close relationships with our parents and get married or get married. Separation and completion is normal process, the completion of one always leads to the beginning of the other.

When going from one life stage to another there can always be a gamut of feelings, including fear.

Fear of separation is common enough. contemporary problemthat forces people to be in relationships that they don't want to be in.

So what scares you alone and makes you long years chain yourself in a relationship with an unloved man or an unloved woman?

First of all, these are stereotypes.
In our society, it is so accepted: if you are alone, it means that you are "not successful, sick, inferior ...". One means you stand out, and standing out is always a risk, so it's easier to be with someone, but that doesn't mean being in a state of comfort.

Financial dependence.
Another reason for this fear is the problem that is widespread in our country, which concerns the financial aspects. It often happens that women have a material dependence on men, and they are, as in bondage, in material dependence... After all, it is not so easy to feed and support yourself, and if there is also a child, then additional difficulties arise.

Habit.
Some people find it so hard to change a habit that they are willing to live their own usual life and be in a shell, do not crawl out of it. After all, to get out means to take risks, it means some kind of danger.

Guilt.
Feelings of guilt towards a partner may arise. Remorse: "how is it, I will leave him (her), how will he (she) be without me?" It is guilt that prevents the relationship from ending.

Pain.
Parting is always pain, it's like a little death, and not every person can go through it. Parting is always a responsibility that everyone within a couple can take and exactly the responsibility that applies only to specific person, no more no less.

Parting is also the ability to be tolerant of what is happening, and action from a position of expediency.

Yes, sometimes it can be scary and tiring, because it is always easier to "go with the flow." But if you start to slightly change your life in better sidethen it is always important to be able to make a choice. Gather courage and determination.

Completion relations - stage difficult, therefore it is important to identify for yourself the resources and support that could help.

This can be parents, communication with pets, favorite work, walks, leisure, simple everyday things that could help: for example, travel, pleasant conversation, a cup of tea, etc.

It is important to trace your experience and determine what specifically helps you to cope with difficulties.

The help of a competent psychologist (psychotherapist) is not excluded as a supporting and effective factor in overcoming urgent difficulties.