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How to "neutralize" the action of the mother-in-law? What is your relationship with your mother-in-law or mother-in-law? Why problems arise

How to teach a mother-in-law a lesson. Instructions for use

Dreaming to find family happiness, girls do not think about the train of relatives who reach out for the groom. Most of those who looked at you at the wedding are unlikely to meet at life path, but with the husband's parents will have to communicate constantly.

Thoroughly thinking over each step and bothering with little things in order to please the second mom and dad will not work for a long time. The moment will come when a sense of pride and independence will force your Self to come out. Modern girls often they do not try to adapt to the husband's parents, hence the conflict of interest arises almost immediately after the honeymoon.

The stereotyped confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should initially be viewed as a war between two women who love one man. One cannot get used to the idea that her boy has already grown up and has long ceased to be an angel in the flesh, that it is time to stop nursing him and control everything and everyone in his life. The other cannot accept the care of her husband on the part of another woman, her curiosity and captiousness. It turns out a situation of the category: two rams on a narrow bridge. Naturally, one does not want to bend under the mother-in-law. Therefore, we will try to tame the mother-in-law.

Straight Talk

Before proceeding with decisive action try to discuss the current situation with your mother-in-law over a glass of wine or a mug of tea and kindly explain to her where she is wrong and that she should not worry about her son. Who knows, the essence of the conflict could have been a petty misunderstanding and natural maternal anxiety. Then you're in luck.

If, over time and new actions of the mother-in-law, you realize that the conflict is still taking place, go on the offensive for now. Be confident, don't stop halfway.

It is most annoying when everyone your action accompanied by a comment: you feed the child in the wrong way, dress it not for the weather, iron the linen incorrectly, cook the wrong thing ...

You can teach a counselor a lesson by completely ignoring her or agreeing with her in everything, but doing it in your own way. We advise you to stock up on sedatives and patience. The mother-in-law will soon realize that you are indifferent to her monologue, you neglect advice, smiles and approving nods are just a sign of decency. And who wants to speak into the void? A self-respecting mother-in-law will back down.

The carefully pronounced phrase will also help to calm the mother-in-law: "Anna Ivanovna, I do everything for the good of your son, and he is happy with everything." The situation for the mother-in-law will turn out to be a dead end: forcing you to do the opposite, she comes out, only harming her son.

There is one more method by contradiction. The mother-in-law who considers herself perfect wife and the mother will always bother with advice, parting words. She just knows better. Based on this situation, we suggest that you turn to her for advice at every step. Call her constantly and ask how best to proceed. Ask her for help, because she best grandmother and mother.

Call day and night. The child's temperature has risen, consult with the mother-in-law. Let there be too many of you. Her domestic troubles are up to her throat, she does not need strangers. The mother-in-law herself will try to keep communication with you to a minimum.

Uninvited guest

Some mothers-in-law love to surprise. For example, visiting unexpectedly. No call, no SMS, just a knock on the door. It irritates when they suddenly burst into personal space and start to spoil the nerves. Take a deep breath, calm down, and next time do not open the door - we were in the bath, did not hear. Pretend you need to run.

Having kindly offered to have a bite from the road, leave her at home alone, wait for her son. Do anything to make her feel out of place. The mother-in-law will not so much be angry with you as she will regret the time spent. And next time he will call.

Yourself with a mustache

How to pacify a mother-in-law if she constantly makes comments about your uncleanliness, inability to keep the house in order, organize family evenings? At next visit visit her, accuse her inadvertently greasy spots on napkins, on the toilet, in a yellowed bathtub, on a dusty sofa. It will not sound entirely correct, but effective. There is no perfection.

Classic triangle: a man and two women. But if one of the women is his mother, then this is no longer love, but rather the Bermuda Triangle, where sometimes love, respect and peace disappear without a trace. Rare examples of the cloudless relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law are passed from mouth to mouth, like legends ...

However, is everything so dramatic and hopeless? If you go on a long journey in sunny weather, but you do not exclude the possibility of rain, you take an umbrella with you. So why not prepare in advance for possible difficulties in your relationship with your mother-in-law? This article of ours is addressed to women who are just about to get married.

The best treatment is prevention

"Unfortunately, the relationship did not work out with my mother-in-law." Too often we hear this phrase from women. And the question immediately arises: did you "add up" these relations, did you make special efforts to make these relations good? More often than not, young women who are preparing for marriage are not up to it. They are passionate about their chosen one, their new role, future wedding... The husband's mother is somewhere in the background. And soon, in general, it may seem to you an annoying hindrance, a fly in the ointment, which spoils the charm honeymoons... But there are years ahead married life... And minor mistakes of the first days of getting to know the future mother-in-law can turn into tangible moral losses in the future.

Moreover, even before meeting your future mother-in-law, you need to be very careful. When meeting a young man, do not support him in disparaging comments about his mother. Most likely, this is youthful bravado, a tribute to the youth style, which implies a somewhat ironic attitude towards parents. Very often these are just words, but in fact a young man can be very attached to his mother. The fact that he allows himself to criticize her in your presence does not mean at all that he will not be shocked if you express yourself in the same tone. Be careful, because your current friend may eventually become your spouse and after years will scream in anger: "You ruined my life! You never loved my mother. When we still met, you already said nasty things about her."

You won't get a second chance to create a first impression.

Going to the first meeting with your future mother-in-law, you should immediately feel a sense of responsibility: the future of your marriage largely depends on the relationship with your spouse's parents. After all, the more benevolent people around you and your husband, the stronger and happier your union will be. When you start building your family with passion, it may seem that you don't need anyone else. And at first it might almost be like that. Almost - because both your parents and your husband's parents will help you to some extent (some more, others less). Over time, especially if a child appears, you will need their support much more. And believe me, take help from those with whom you have bad relationship, very, very unpleasant. But, most likely, it will be necessary. If you ruin your relationship with your parents, it will not be easy for you. Consider whether it is worth laying the foundations for the difficulties you can do without?

When preparing to meet your future mother-in-law, do not so much think over your outfit (although it is, of course, necessary to take into account the conservative views of a person of the older generation), as tune in internally to show interest in her. After all, you, of course, want to please her? Mikhail Bulgakov said well about this: "How can you please a person if you do not like him yourself?" Therefore your the main task try to feel sympathy for the mother of your chosen one. Do your best to see her as something for which you can respect, appreciate, and even love her. Ask your future spouse in advance about his mother. Find out what she is interested in, what she is proud of, what she values ​​in herself.

When you go to the bridegroom, you are going to demonstrate not so much your external data as what kind of person you are: do you know how to respectfully and attentively treat other people, do you know how to listen. Most likely, you will have to listen to how hard it was for your future mother-in-law to raise her son, what sacrifices she might have made for him, and how hard it was for her to survive his childhood illnesses. And at the same time, she can tell you how special he is, not like everyone else, how well he treats her. In her words, one can feel quite a clear subtext: "I have invested so much in it, I have experienced so much, and you came to the ready-made. Do you deserve this? good husband? And in general, until you showed up, everything was fine with us. "

Listen to your mother-in-law's stories carefully, ask her questions, and you will receive invaluable information that will help you not only get along with her, but also correctly build relationships with your husband in the future. After all, your chosen one is in many ways his mother, his father. You will be able to learn about the way of life in the family, traditions, habits, relationships between parents. It is very likely that your spouse-to-be has adopted exactly the model of relationships that was in his family. Knowing in advance what you may face in your future family life, you will save yourself from many surprises and disappointments. And at the same time, you are more likely to meet the expectations of your life partner.

This woman gave you a loved one

Now in vogue psychological advice, which would be more correct to call "behavioral". They answer the question of how to behave. But the answer to the question of how you feel is much more important. And then feelings will tell you the correct demeanor, and tone, and actions.

With the mother-in-law, of course, you need to behave in accordance with all the rules of decency in relation to to a loved one who is older than you in age. However, if your behavior is not supported by feelings, this will not help you. And then you will tell your friends: "I don't know why my mother-in-law treats me this way, I am polite to her, show signs of attention, give gifts, what else is she missing?" Most often, your mother-in-law lacks what you could not find in your soul - even if not love, but sincere respect.

The main feeling that you should be imbued with is gratitude. It is her that yours expects from you future mother-in-law... Gratitude for an invaluable, from her point of view, gift, perhaps for the most precious thing in her life - for her son. After all, he is infinitely dear to her. She gave birth to him, raised him, she remembers a thousand little things from his life. For many years she believed that he belonged first of all to her and only then to everyone else. And then you appear, a stranger and in many ways alien to her, and lay claim to her treasure. From what position do you enter her life - a winner, a conqueror, a rival, or a person who is infinitely grateful to her? If your mother-in-law feels that she gave you her son, she will be proud of her generosity and treat you with a warm feeling. If she thinks that you have taken it away from her, she will never be able to overcome the feeling of resentment and hostility in her soul.

Marry his relatives

It is very important to consciously choose a life partner, accept him with all his good qualities and disadvantages. But you also take a man as your husband with all his relatives, who become close people to you. Of course, this primarily concerns your spouse's mother. Accept her for who she is. Treat her with condescension if she will prove by her behavior that she is better than you. Recognize her excellence in what matters most to her. Who said that you have to be better than her in everything so that your husband continues to love you? He loves you differently anyway. She is not your rival and will never be able to take your place. And even if your spouse compares you to your mother in your ability to cook, maintain order, or handle money, these are such trifles compared to the big and serious that binds you.

We conditionally take a certain collective image of the mother-in-law. But they are different: smart and stupid, tolerant and quarrelsome, eternal housewives and modern business women. But they all need attention, a benevolent attitude and interest in each of them as a unique personality. Do not forget that everyone wants to be recognized for their merits, and thanked for their efforts.

Stay out of the relationship between a husband and his mom.

If your chosen one has not outgrown nihilism adolescence(in men, this process can be delayed for a long time, if not for the whole life), then you may encounter his somewhat neglectful attitude towards your mother. This situation will require a lot of patience and tact from you. It is dangerous to support a husband in a war against his own mother, even if it is a "toy" war over little things. And in equally it is impossible to form a kind of women's coalition, connecting to the educational process own husband... In this case, you will surely acquire faithful friend in the person of your mother-in-law, but at the same time you risk losing your husband.

It is inappropriate and hopeless to rush to reeducate your spouse and lecture how he should behave with his own mother. And it’s completely foolish to take on the role of the protector of a sexually mature man from his mommy. Also, do not forget that you do not know the background of their relationship. You can witness seemingly inexplicable outbreaks, both from him and from her. But this can be caused by just one phrase or a slightly noticeable intonation in the voice, behind which there are previous conflicts and misunderstandings. Resign yourself to the fact that you started "watching the series" from the middle, and therefore you cannot know all the nuances of other people's relationships, and even more so - judge who is right and who is wrong. Your role can only be peacekeeping - to mitigate the situation and smooth over the rough edges. You have to learn to sympathize with both sides without warming up either of them.

When you get married, build your special relationship with the mother-in-law. Don't be a reflection of the relationship that developed between the husband and his mother. If the relationship is especially tender, you will "fall short" of them and end up always losing against their background. If the relationship is tense, then you will get a ready-made conflict in which you are innocent. Visit your mother-in-law without a husband, go to visit just like that, keep her company on walks, talk with her.

Call her mom if she wants it!

You know the importance family contract... It is not out of place to conclude such an agreement with your mother-in-law. Of course, it will not look like "now let's agree how we will live with you." But it is very useful to unobtrusively discuss some points that affect your common interests... Ask right away how she would like you to call her. Oddly enough, but this is very important. More than once we had to observe how the “wrong” treatment of the mother-in-law became the beginning of mutual confrontation.

You may be asked to call your mother-in-law "mom." Do not fall into the bombastic style: "I have only one mother." Such a desire may be a tribute to the traditions of the family, and it is not for you to change them, but it may be dictated by an unrealized desire to have another child or just a girl. Do not forget - when a woman hears "mom", she wakes up the instinct to love, protect and forgive everything. And if you immediately acquire the status of another child, it is not so bad. But you may be asked to call your mother-in-law by name and patronymic. This indicates a certain distance, but at the same time that there will be less interference in your life. A young-looking mother-in-law may suggest calling her simply by her first name. Not bad either, you have a better chance of becoming her friend. But whatever option is offered to you, accept it graciously and with joy.

Your agreement with your mother-in-law may also relate to purely economic matters and how often she would like to see you and her husband at her place, and the help that she can count on or herself can provide you. Such an agreement will immediately clarify many issues and prospects. After all, when the mother-in-law says: "Of course, when the baby is born, I will help," she may mean that she agrees to take a stroll to the park once a week with a stroller. Are you sure that she is going to leave work to look after the baby. If you discuss everything in advance, neither you nor she will be offended later, since each of you will know what to count on.

If you live separately from your mother-in-law, then line up good relationship with her is absolutely real. But if you have to live with your mother-in-law under the same roof and even share the kitchen with her, everything is much more complicated. The only way out is to have your own corner. If you do not have the opportunity to buy your own home, it is better to at least rent, limiting yourself to the bare essentials, than continuously, around the clock, to be a target for unsolicited advice and, even more so, reproaches.

Natalia Kaptsova


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Often, future daughters-in-law, following the advice of their friends, prepare for a protracted war with their mother-in-law. Even though your man's mom may be a golden person, you will set yourself up for conflict. You shouldn't listen to someone. You can have a wonderful relationship with your mother-in-law. The main thing is to be able to timely and softly learn to say “no”, as well as to know some methods and techniques of communication.

  • Reasonable refusal

If you are tired of your mother-in-law's advice and teachings, try talking to her about it. Tell her gently that you are not ready to fulfill her requirements and tasks. Be sure to inform why: "My dear mother-in-law, I appreciate your advice, but I cannot do this because ...". The main thing in this method is summary causes.

In the event that your mother-in-law is a very persistent person, you can use the method for three reasons. Prepare your speech in advance, analyze and think of 3 main reasons. Usually the mother-in-law takes your place and understands your refusal.

  • Straightforward rejection

A daughter-in-law who has a more aggressive mother-in-law must learn to defend her opinion. In the event that the second mother begins to creep into the life of the young, you should clearly set boundaries and make it clear that the mother-in-law's advice will not work on your territory.

Outright rejection can also be gentle. For example, address like this: "Sorry, mom, I can not do as you ask", "Mother-in-law, I have no free time now to do ...".
Of course, the mother-in-law should quickly understand that her advice is useless to you, you yourself can perfectly cope with chores around the house and solve all the problems of your family life.

In the event that the mother-in-law goes on a second offensive and again tries to teach the daughter-in-law, it is worth using a different technique. It's called The Broken Record Technique. You can repeat the above phrases for all requests and words of the mother-in-law.

You should listen to her opinion, and then, without asking questions, repeat and repeat “no”. This technique should be used when dealing with assertive and stubborn people.

  • Delayed failure

The essence of this method is to agree with the advice, analyze it, and then decide whether to use it. You do not need to come up with any reasons for not fulfilling requests, you should say bluntly that you need to think about the proposal.

For example, answer like this: “I need time to think. Let's discuss this proposal later. ”“ Before deciding, I must consult with my husband, ”“ I want to think about information that is new to me. ”
By explaining to the mother-in-law this way, the daughter-in-law wins additional time not only to think over the proposal, but also to help close people-advisers.

  • Compromise denial

Learn to answer your mother-in-law so that she understands you the first time. If you are not ready to fulfill her requirements and requests, try to find a compromise solution for you.

Example: a mother-in-law lives with your family on the same territory, asks you to give her a lift every day to work. In order not to be late, not to swear every morning, "go" to meet the second mother, say this: "I can give you a lift only if you are ready at 7.30 in the morning."

Another example: your mother-in-law does not live with you, but asks her son to visit her every day. Talk to her, say: “Mother-in-law, we would be happy to visit you every day, but we do not have such an opportunity. We can visit you on Saturday and Sunday. "

Learn to find compromises, without them in family life - nothing!

  • Hidden refusal or "do it but not that"

You can agree with your mother-in-law's advice, but you won't apply it. By using the hidden no technique, you can avoid conflict situation with her second mother, or her husband, who may agree with her.

Listen to her carefully, agree, but do it your way. Example: you and your husband drove into new apartment and decided that you would do the repairs yourself. The mother-in-law invites you to make yellow walls in the kitchen. Go to meet her, agree, and then decide with your husband what color the wallpaper in the kitchen will be.

When she asks why they decided to do it the wrong way, you can simply say that you changed your mind.

  • Hidden refusal or "promise and do not"

Do not forget, if you do not want to destroy the good ones, agree with everything she says and advises you. You can always analyze the situation, sort out the problems and decide whether or not to follow the advice of the second mother.

You can answer like this: “Okay, I'll do it,” “Of course, I'll buy it,” “One of these days, I'll certainly do it,” “I'll go soon,” etc. It is important to say and agree, but it is not necessary to do it.

  • Refusal with irony

All mother-in-law's advice can be translated as a joke. For example, when asked to have a dog or cat in the house, answer that you will have 10 kittens at once. The mother-in-law may continue to persuade you, then inform that cute kittens will interfere with the squid that are already living in the bathroom. Thus, you can translate any request or advice into a joke.

Treat the rules and requirements of your mother-in-law with a smile on your face and happiness, then you will definitely never have a conflict!

  • Denial through compassion

Any woman can be made to empathize. The “Appealing to compassion” technique is needed for those daughters-in-law who want to attract attention to themselves and show their mother-in-law that they have absolutely no free time to follow certain rules.

Treat your mother-in-law as a friend, tell her about your problems, share the things you solve every day, explain that you just physically won't have time to do what she asks for.

As a rule, the second mother will understand you and will no longer pester you with her requests.

  • Reception " Open door"Or the consent technique

When communicating with the mother-in-law, one should clearly distinguish between criticism and emotions. You can agree with the criticism, the facts, while saying that you agree and you are really doing something wrong.

Leave the emotional side behind. Keep your answer short and clear. You should not make excuses and explain to your mother-in-law why you are doing this way and not differently.

During a conversation, you should not be offended or indignant, you should not even translate criticism into a joke. Better to agree, and with every comment of the mother-in-law. The technique is called so because the mother-in-law wants to break open the door to you, and you open it yourself.

  • Containment policy or polite refusal

In order not to fight with your mother-in-law, you can follow the containment policy. You should not treat comments, advice, requests too harshly. Learn to react correctly to what is happening - do not be offended, thank, explain.

In some situations, you should say this: “I am grateful for your advice, I will take it into consideration, perhaps even use some. In any case, it is not only me, but my husband as well, ”or“ I cannot solve your problem on my own, my husband and I will try to deal with it in the near future, ”or“ I don’t know what to do in this situation. Thank you for your advice and recommendations, I will listen to them. "

At first, you can console yourself that pathological love for mom is rather his dignity. If he is strongly attached to her, then in the end he will also love you very much. But, over time, you realize that you are still in the background.

If there is another woman in your man's life and this is his mother, most likely, the place on the throne is not meant for you. And you only have a place in her retinue, and then ... if she accepts you. Otherwise, he will have to be torn between the two of you, and the power is more likely to be on her side.

The question is, why be jealous here? In fact, there are reasons - in the life of your man there is another woman who has real power over him. Not a banal mistress, with whom he will part at any moment, but dear mother who will always be sure that her beloved son belongs to her alone.

If a man is already well over thirty, and he continues to live with his parents under one roof, although he has the opportunity to move, there is every reason to believe that this suits him completely, and he is not going to change anything at all. Problem mama's sons- in their emotional immaturity. They can successfully pursue a career, but often hesitate to take the crucial step of starting a family. Why marry, take on additional responsibilities when your beloved mummy is nearby, who makes cutlets much tastier than your beloved woman.

Most often, such men remain infantile, especially if they were raised by their mother and grandmother in childhood. Such males get used to the fact that someone makes decisions for them and literally blows off dust particles from them. And in mature age they continue to cling to their mother's skirt, instinctively needing protection.
Often mama's sons are haunted by fear of women. In every new acquaintance, they see a predator, the main objective which to bring him to the altar and take possession of the living space.

Determine what type his mother is, and use the rules how it is easier to neutralize her.

Fury

This is a strong woman dominating her own son with a bitchy character. Such a person may have her own idea of ​​a potential daughter-in-law, therefore, if she dislikes you, she will try to destroy your relationship. Perhaps she thinks that you are not good enough for her beloved son. When you meet in person, his mother will not choose expressions, so you will not have the slightest desire to appear in front of her again.
Of course, you can try not to go into conflict, and in response to outright rudeness, smile sweetly and try to please her in everything. If this method does not give any results, it means that the mother considers you a weak-willed, unremarkable creature, and will continue to unceremoniously behave in the future. In this case, it is best to keep a cool distance. Let her know that you respect yourself and do not intend to tolerate her tricks. But with him, do not comment on her behavior, it is better to pretend to be a poor lamb who has been unjustly offended. If he's not completely lost to society yet, that will help you. Any criticism directed at her will hurt him in the heart.

Cook

This mother is haunted by the fear that her son will go hungry. Therefore, if you declare that you bought and cooked ready-made dumplings for dinner, you will sign your own death warrant. Already on next morning she will come running to your house with full pots of food, and will not leave until she is fully convinced that her son is nourishing and deliciously fed.

But it can be even worse - every time after work she will lure him to her house with delicious pies. Men are weak creatures, you risk that all evenings and weekends he will still hang out at his mother's house. Therefore, for a start, invite her home and demonstrate the full refrigerator of food, cook something delicious yourself - let her see that next to you her beloved offspring is not threatened by starvation. Of course, you will not be able to fully convince her that next to you he is no worse than under her warm wing. But start mastering his favorite recipes, or at least pretend. Be sure to flatter her, something like: mine is still not as tasty as yours, etc. Or: Tell me the secrets of your dishes. This usually works.

Skirt Commander

She always complains about health problems, although she looks quite active and energetic. Her favorite topic is medicine. Even an elephant would die if he ate all the pills on her nightstand. Early Sunday morning when the whole family is still blissfully asleep, there is phone call: she is very bad, she is dying.
The whole family jumps out of bed and goes to say goodbye to the one leaving for another world. However, on the doorstep you are greeted by a cheerful, wiry old woman who is clearly not going to leave for the next world in the near future. All arriving commanders are immediately given tasks: to nail something, take out the trash, go to the store. She treats her son as her personal property, so in her eyes you are an impudent invader. You will have to get used to the fact that he will constantly plow for mom, although a light bulb in your hallway has long burned out, which there is no one to replace.

And God forbid her to tell you: you look good today. The old woman will consider this an insult, it is better to listen with a mournful and sympathetic air to the stories about all her imaginary and real illnesses.

Throw mom off the train:

Having a henpecked and an egoist next to you is not a pleasant pleasure. So as a last resort there is last option action, the most radical. Just put the question to your chosen one point-blank: Either she, or me. True, in this case, you run the risk of losing him forever. But you may never regret it.