If your child is rude to you. What to do? The importance of competent family education

It's no secret that sometimes parents and children quarrel. Nevertheless, I am convinced that one must be able to quarrel constructively. The attitude of children to parents and whether children will respect their parents largely depends on this.

And among other things, the child learns and remembers an example of how to behave in conflict situation and he carries these schemes into his adult life.

Try to stop now for a moment and think about how you behave in a conflict situation. Isn't it similar to how parents behaved among themselves or parents towards you?

For example, if it’s hard for you to apologize when you are wrong, remember if your parents knew how to apologize to each other and did they apologize to you? Or were they “always right”?

Did they behave aggressively in a quarrel? Were harsh words used? Were they trying harder to drive each other into a corner, or were they trying to sort things out as quickly as possible? Etc.

There is another paradoxical situation - when a person is perfectly able to resolve conflicts with other people (colleagues at work, superiors, inspectors, etc.), and is completely unable to do this in the family. And vice versa. Here, too, it is useful to remember your childhood and parents and analyze how it all happened.

So, what mistakes do parents make in a situation of conflict with a child?

Mistake #1. They talk about the person, not the act."What the terrible child!”, “That's what bad boys do,” or a direct “You're a bad boy. I don't need one." This seems to be clear to everyone, but for some reason it is still widely used. Don't forget about it!

Mistake #2. They put the blame on the child. For example, they guessed that the child, who is now running and playing, might touch the cup on the edge of the table, and still they did not remove it. Who is to blame that the cup was broken and for which the child was scolded? Or they allowed the child to stroke a street dog, and she bit. And now the mother scolds the child - don't you know that a dog can bite? The examples are exaggerated, but I think everyone will remember such a situation when you need to scold yourself, and we scold the child.

Mistake #3. Use their "adult" advantages. For example, they take a toy and put it high on a closet, from where the child cannot get it on his own. This makes him feel inferior (physically for now) and causes deep feeling resentment and anger. Those who have already done this have noticed that at the moment when the toy is sent to the closet, the child starts screaming terribly and can throw a tantrum. And we do not help him to get out of the conflict correctly, but leave him alone and offer him to think about his behavior.

Mistake #4. pressure on material side question. This, in general, refers to the use of adult advantages, but I want to highlight this in a separate paragraph. For example, they were going to go for a toy, but there was a quarrel in which the child offended one of the parents. And this parent said that he would not buy a toy if he behaved like that. Yes it fast way to force the child to obey, but at the same time he thinks not about respecting the feelings of the father or mother, but about how to get his own benefits. When the child is a little older, he will be in certain situations try to remain silent, “so that they buy a toy”, and accumulate anger and resentment inside yourself. Is it necessary to explain what will come of this and how, having become independent, a son or daughter will relate to their parents.

The conclusion from this paragraph is this: in a conflict situation, talk about feelings and teach the child to respect them, to behave correctly in a given situation. Try not to punish with deprivation of material things due to bad behavior.

Mistake #5. Aggressive behavior, loss of self control, use of harsh words, belt. From this, the child remembers that in case of loss of control over the situation, one can lose control over oneself, that the one who behaves more aggressively speaks more rudely, etc. is right. This is not to mention the fact that often children are frightened by such a reaction from their parents and immediately "begin to behave normally." Indeed, in such conditions, it is no longer possible to be an equal participant in the situation. A child cannot spank mom or dad, or even yell at them in the same way.

Mistake #6. Forcing your child to apologize often and for every little thing when you don't do it yourself. Teaching a child to admit his guilt and ask for forgiveness is only possible personal example. To be honest, I myself sometimes break down and tell my daughter hurtful words which I later regret. But I always try to apologize for them. I tell my daughter: “Forgive me, please. I flared up and told you something completely different from what I really think.” The daughter usually apologizes at this moment too: “Mommy, forgive me too. I was so naughty and behaved very badly. It was embarrassing for you. Will you excuse me?" And we usually hug.

In situations where we were both good, I usually apologize first. And at the same time I do not reproach my daughter, I do not say that she was also wrong. The daughter herself admits her part of the blame in such situations and asks for forgiveness.

Mistake #7. “Do bad things” to the child as a punishment and punish humiliatingly.

If it has already come to punishment, then remember that it is better to deprive a child of good than to make him bad. Those. it is better not to read at night, not to play, etc., than to shout and spank. It is possible to punish a child, but in no case should the punishment be humiliating and should not take place in front of other people. When a conflict flares up in a crowded place, I try to apply the approach I called “ Ear education". Try it, maybe it will help you.

And the last thing I want to say. Do not forget Golden Rule: “Before you say it to your child, tell it to yourself". Then there will be an order of magnitude fewer conflicts, they will be more constructive, there will be more respect for parents, the child’s self-esteem will be in order, and he will also learn to control his words. I say this from my own experience.

If there are additions to the list, write in the comments! Feel free to share your opinion!

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« Living upbringing” - a course on how an imperfect mother with her cockroaches to raise a happy child.
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In general, our eight-year-old son is a kind and docile boy. But in recent times he became too talkative and cocky. He throws cheeky phrases that children exchange among themselves, to my husband and me: "you are not my boss", "how stupid you are" and "you know nothing." This audacity is driving us crazy! Help!*

Nancy, mother of two, Tulsa, Oklahoma

You politely tell your child, "Jane, I want you to be home by three." And your charming baby replies defiantly: "Yeah, now!"
You calmly ask the child, "Could you take out the trash?" l your beloved offspring snaps: "Take it out yourself!"

Briefly about the main
There are two ways to stop insolence. First, cut her off initial stage until it becomes a habit. Second - as soon as you decide to give a decisive rebuff to insolence - do not retreat.

*the letter contains a very important phrase: the child's mother writes that he is arrogant to her and her husband (and not to his father!). In this case, the audacity of the child is quite understandable - this backlash on the stepfather ("you are not my boss") and on the "traitor" mother. - ed.

Brashness and bickering are becoming more common; every adult seems to experience this kind of behavior in children. Typically, children begin to behave this way around the age of five. If you let it go on negative consequences spread with supernatural speed. Believe me, not a single educator, teacher, coach, counselor or parents of other children will like an unworthy child. Luckily, disrespectful behaviors such as arrogance and bickering are pretty easy to get rid of.

Four steps to get rid of insolence

Use the following four steps as a guide to eradicating your child's brashness and bickering.

Step 1. Spot the audacity right away

Define what you consider to be disrespectful behavior so that it is clear to the child what is expected of him. All children break down from time to time, but are there any words, phrases or gestures that the child uses quite often? That is what you should be focusing on. And whenever a child behaves in this way, immediately point it out. The following are examples from similar experiences of other parents. Please note that their comments are only directed at disrespectful behavior and not at the child's personality.
"When I talk to you, you roll your eyes. It's disrespectful. Don't do that again."
"Telling me 'leave me alone' when I'm talking to you is unacceptable. You can't say that."
"You whine whenever you need something. You should be more respectful."

Step 2: Don't Argue When Your Child Is Bullying

Child development research shows that, as a rule, children stop being cheeky when they see that it is not effective at getting attention. So stay neutral and don't answer. Do not sigh, do not shrug, do not show that they are angry. Moreover, do not persuade, do not exhort, do not scold; this tactic almost never works and only exacerbates the behavior. Look distantly at something, if it doesn't help - lock yourself in the bathroom. Just refuse to continue the conversation as long as the child is cocky, and always do so. As a rule, if the children see that you are not going to give up, they stop being cheeky. Here are some examples.
"Stop. Telling me I don't know anything is disrespectful. We'll talk when you find the right tone."
"I don't want to listen to a rude man. If you want to talk to me, speak respectfully. I'll be in the other room."
"We'll talk when you can listen with enough respect without rolling your eyes or smirking."

Step 3: Introduce Penalties if Brash Behavior Continues

Let's assume that you have clearly explained what you want, nevertheless, impudence and bickering continue. It's time to introduce certain penalties for them. Effective penalties should be understandable to the child, have a specific duration, relate directly to the disrespectful act, and be appropriate to the child's character. Once you have established penalties, apply them consistently and don't back down. For recurring violations, it is best to draw up and write down a plan, which must be signed by all parties involved and kept in an accessible place. Another thought: consider having the child take part in setting penalties for themselves - often the sanctions invented by the child are harsher than yours. Some mothers have told me that they successfully got rid of the cockiness by getting the child to repeat the phrase in a more polite tone at least ten times. For example, instead of the phrase "yeah, of course!" it was necessary to repeat with the right intonation and accents: "Yes, mother, I will do it."

Step 4: Reward Respectful Behavior

One of the most simple means do good behavior more frequent is to reward the child every time he does the right thing. However, research shows that more often than not, we do just the opposite: instead of paying attention to the polite behavior of children, we constantly point out to them the wrong things. Therefore, as soon as you see or hear that the child is being polite or speaking respectfully, praise him and express satisfaction. Here are some examples.
"Danny, I like that respectful tone."
"Jenny, thanks for listening to me politely."
"What a kind voice, Kelly. It's good that you remember how to speak properly."
"I know you were upset, Tyler, but you didn't swear. It's very hard to get rid of bad habits but you're really trying."

Phase change plan problem behavior child

First, remember if you were cheeky to your parents or other adults as a child. Have your brothers and sisters been cheeky? How did your parents react? Did it help? Now think about today's children. It is said that there are more and more disrespectful, impudent children who do not obey the authority of adults. What could be causing this? Where do kids learn to be bold?
Now is the time to take action to change your child's behavior. Use your child's problem behavior step change diary to record your thoughts and make a change plan.
1. Take a close look at the child's behavior and think about what worries you the most. What are the manifestations of disrespect and when does it occur?
2. Recall what happened just before the problem behavior occurred that could have provoked disrespect?
3. Think about how you usually react in such cases. Ask yourself why it doesn't work.
4. Reread the four steps to getting rid of insolence. If possible, discuss this with your spouse or other parents.
5. Agree that in most cases steps 1 and 2 are required to change behavior. If these steps help get rid of cockiness, go straight to step 4. If not, follow step 3 and enter penalties that are appropriate for your child's personality.

Commitment to change the child's problem behavior

How will you use the four steps and the problem behavior change plan to help your child? Write down what you will do in the next 24 hours to begin the process of gradually changing your child's problem behavior.

The results of the gradual change of the problem behavior of the child

Correcting behavior is hard, painstaking work that must be carried out consistently and based on the consolidation of results through parental encouragement. Your child's progress towards change can be slow, but be sure to celebrate and reward each step along the way. It will take at least 21 days for the first results to appear, so do not rush to give up. Remember that if one approach doesn't work, another will. Record weekly progress in your child's behavior using the template below. Record progress daily in a step-by-step change diary for your child's problem behavior.

Quite often we hear how a child allows himself to rudely answer his mother or even get nasty.

And in response, this mother will only shrug her shoulders and, as if nothing had happened, will continue to talk with the child. There is no need to assume that this situation is normal.

If you do not stop this behavior now, then in the future, do not be surprised if the child decides to throw a book at you when you ask to do it. Does he allow himself this? Then you need to act decisively!

Why is the child rude

The model of behavior the child takes from his parents. And if dad allows himself to be rude to mom (not necessarily loudly and with fists), then be sure that the same child will also grow out of him. psychological tyrant. Is this how you want your child to be?

When a child sees parents swear, talking rudely to each other, it does not take into account parental authority. Very soon, he will begin to teach his parents himself, get into their conversation, be rude and rude not sometimes, but constantly. And it's not adolescence yet!

Daria Podshivalova, psychologist:“When for the first time a child has been rude to one of the parents, the second parent must clearly and clearly tell him to stop immediately and not repeat this again. In this case, the face must be serious. No need to respond to rudeness with rudeness or shouting, and even more so not with a belt on the pope. And be sure to explain to the child why it is unpleasant for you to hear this. If this attitude towards each other is practiced among parents, you need to sit down and discuss whether everything is in order in the family. As a rule, rough speech is a sign serious problems paired with".

Get rid of child abuse

To begin with: do not react sharply to the phrases uttered by the child. Your screams or a slap on the pope will only lead to Negative consequences, but they will not explain to the little tomboy why he is wrong. The most important thing in problem solving is make contact with the child .

Don't answer rudeness with rudeness. If the child is rude, and even from scratch (we understand that you are indignant, but subdue your anger), say in a calm tone that you will continue the conversation when he calms down and changes his tone. Show him behavior example: it is useful for children to instill .

Listen to all your child's opinions, even if they seem to you outright nonsense. But at the same time, remember that listening does not mean agreeing with them. The main thing is to show your willingness to understand a different point of view and take your time to react emotionally.

Try to ask your child various questions as often as possible, be interested in his life and let him understand that it is very important for you to know what is going on with him. And really listen to the answers, and not eavesdrop on the events in the series with one ear!

No need to act too insistent, do not force the kid to be protected. Do not discuss with him topics that he fundamentally refuses to discuss. Be patient and postpone the conversation until better times.

Keep any secrets that the child has entrusted to you. Even from her husband, if he asked for it. Never give out secrets that he entrusted only to you. After all a good relationship are built on trust. And how can he be rude to a person with whom he has one secret for two?

Don't take it out on the child. No matter how scary and serious secrets he did not tell, do not raise your voice at him and do not condemn him. He will never again want to be frank with a person who yells at him and rushes with condemnations. And without honesty, there is no respect, and we will again return to rudeness.

If the same thing happened to you as a child as to a child, tell him about it. It will bring you very close. The button on the teacher's chair and ? The boy refused friendship or is he bullied in the class? Tell me how you got out of the situation. Just do not deceive and do not invent - children feel a lie very sharply.

Highly speak your mind carefully about any of his adventures. If your child asks for advice, ask, "Do you want to know what I would do if I were you?" or “I have an idea to help you. Tell?". If the child says no, accept that answer and save the conversation for later.

Don't make a child remarks in front of strangers and in front of his friends. You don't need to bully or humiliate him. Otherwise, do not be surprised if he will be more rude, more often to your friends as well.

Respect your child's interests and hobbies. Only in this case, he will be able to respect your hobbies, which previously could be the subject of his ridicule.

Ask your child for advice. Do not think that this is beneath your dignity. Surely there are areas in which he is really well versed. For example, many children know computers and the Internet better than adults. So you show the child his importance in the family, the importance of his knowledge and.

If it seems to you that all these tips do not fit the question “How to stop childish rudeness” in any way, try to implement them first and see what happens. Do you remember that water wears away stone? Drop by drop, slowly, you will establish contact with the child. And when everything is fine in his family, there is someone to talk and consult with, then there is no need to be rude not only to parents, but to everyone else.

Be friendly and welcoming with your child, and he will grow up to be a kind and sympathetic person that you can be proud of!

One of the most common questions parents ask is: "I don't understand why he/she is doing this." There are eight very common reasons why kids mess up. It is very helpful for parents to get to know them, because if they can pinpoint the reason for not correct behavior child, they will be able to solve this problem more successfully. Writes

Here are eight of the most common reasons children misbehave and solutions to help reduce or eliminate the problem:

1) Children want to test the reaction of their parents to their actions.

Children's main problem is to figure out how they work. complex world. In order to master what they need to know at every level of their development, they will test their parents. They are literally trying to see where the boundaries are, or if there are any at all. Although testing is disappointing for parents, they need to know that this is normal and that this is their chance to make a real difference in their child's life.

2) Children go through various situations between school and home.

Consistency is extremely important for a child to feel secure and able to understand the world and how it works. If children receive conflicting signals at home and at school, they will feel uneasy internally and express it differently than usual, and the child will feel internally stressed.

The best thing a parent can do is an easy way to discipline a toddler and then have a conversation with their child's teacher. During this conversation, parents should tell their solution method and ask how the teacher handles this situation. The goal is to try and use the same methods both at school and at home. With consistent clarity and together, children will see consistency in the actions of adults and be happy in the process.

3) Children do not understand rules that are outside their developmental levels.

Sometimes, parental expectations exceed the possibilities, go beyond the abilities of their child. For example, it would be unreasonable to tell a 2 year old to clean his room and expect him to do it perfectly. At this age, children need a lot of parental support and guidance to do this kind of work.

Reading books about what kids can do at every age is helpful for this reason, so parents can learn all about development appropriate for their toddler's age and what to expect from their child.

4) Children want self-assertion, and have their own independence.

Children begin to show their desire for greater independence around the age of two. They begin to want to have control over certain areas of their lives so that they can feel capable and independent. It doesn't take long for kids to figure out the areas they can control, much to the chagrin of parents in situations like eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, when kids show their independence, you get frustrated and therefore insist on your own rules it's necessary for kids felt in control.

What is the way out? Give your child the right to choose Everyday life so that he would feel in control of his own life. Also, it is key to learn simple, loving way discipline, so you can easily gain control over the child.

5) Lack of regimen for the child.

When children's basic needs are not regularly met every day, they often misbehave, cry, throw tantrums, etc. The solution to this problem is simple: there is a routine to follow when the child eats, has personal time, parents and child play or sleep on time.

6) Children do not have accurate information and experience.

When children do something, for example, they cross the road for the first time, they do not know that they should look in both directions, what we all know, we must explain to them that it is necessary to look to the left and look to the right, etc. d. It should not be forgotten that the same technique should be applied in all situations. Children will repeat the behavior over and over again until they remember the exact information about what they should be doing.

7) Children were previously "rewarded" for their misbehavior.

It would never occur to any parent to purposefully reward bad behavior child, but this happens quite often. Remember, negative attention is still attention, so if kids misbehave and their parents either yell or punish. If the child whines, cries or throws a tantrum and mom or dad, in the end, regret and cancel the punishment. This absolutely cannot be done.

8) Children copy the actions of their parents.

Remember that children see and hear how parents behave at home. So if they see mom and dad screaming, they will scream too. If kids get hit in the butt, they are more likely to use a kick to express their anger or frustration. Although it is not always easy, parents should look at raising children calmly.

A situation that parents often have to deal with is the child's rudeness. Usually this happens unexpectedly, and therefore shocking. Do not lose your temper, children can start to be rude even in prosperous families.

The resolution of this problem should begin with establishing the reasons for this behavior. The subsequent reaction directly depends on them.

Why are children rude?

1. The child attracts the attention of mom and dad. Perhaps he is experiencing difficulties, he needs support and understanding, which is why the baby begins to be rude. By expressing negativity, he shows his parents that he needs them, waiting for a reaction to his behavior. He wants to be interested in his affairs, to devote time.
2. They can imitate adults. Still quite small, they are not able to filter information received from outside. They don't understand why people are rude to each other. Therefore, they perceive this as the norm of communication, if they often swear at home, and they will behave accordingly.
3. The cause of rudeness is a difficult age. This is especially true for teenagers. They are characterized by the struggle for independence and self-assertion, and parents are a suitable target for his attacks.
4. Rudeness can be the result of omissions in education. If there are cases when the baby was let down by impudent behavior and rudeness, you should not be surprised at the aggravation of the situation. It builds a behavior model with early years based practical experience. The indulgences that were received thanks to the arranged hysteria are remembered and influence his actions in the future.

What to do in such a situation?

Having found out the circumstances that made your child rude, you can begin to act. The main thing is not to use physical punishment and don't be rude in return. Control yourself and stay calm. It should be understood that if there is such a problem, the transformation must begin with oneself.

• Lack of attention

Think about the last time you asked your child about the details of his life, relationships with friends, success at school. Was your interest genuine? Children have a subtle sense of pretense, and questions asked "for show" will cause a negative reaction.

Be interested in the child's needs by asking, "Is there anything I can help you with right now?" Do it sometimes and try to give him what he wants.

Let him know what you love. Many people forget about this, thinking that the child already understands everything. Remember that you will no longer have the opportunity to make contact. There is certain age(3-5 years after the onset of maturation), overcoming which, adolescents with a lack of attention are completely alienated.

• Family situation

An unhealthy atmosphere at home leads to the fact that even a baby begins to be rude. Parents should reconsider their habits, stop serving bad example. Do you use foul language around him? Do you raise your voice for any reason? Perhaps the relationship between mom and dad is good, but they allow themselves to speak impartially about someone. Watch what conversations you have.

Establish polite standards attentive communication in family. The kid will easily accept them if everyone sticks to the right behavior together. Thank each other for dinner, wish Good night and good morning. Resolve conflicts through dialogue. Apologize when there are reasons to do so. Show courtesy and friendliness by your example, and the reaction will not keep you waiting.

• A difficult age

Children grow up and begin to fight for their independence, behave defiantly, be rude. This is a difficult time, but your future relationship depends on your stamina.

1. Think more often that this period is temporary, it will end. Remember yourself at his age, try to restrain emotional reaction. You need to be sensible.
2. Keep reminding him of what you love. At this age, he can greatly hurt your feelings, you should not repay him the same. Remember, this does not mean that he stopped loving you.
3. Don't hide your hurt. Say that his actions hurt.
4. A teenager is fighting for personal space, so give him a little more freedom. You need to stop controlling his every move. He grows up and wants to think for himself, don't do it for him. Give orders, but do not distribute them with numerous instructions. Let him feel independent.
5. Keep the conversation on an equal footing. The teenager will become rude because he is trying to prove his importance. He wants to know that they no longer see him as a baby.

There are more early ages when the baby begins to be rude and behave independently. You will have to stop controlling certain areas of his life, allowing you to do something yourself. Then the struggle for freedom will stop.

• Omissions in education

Every child threw a scandal or a tantrum. Wrong reaction This behavior leads to problems in the future. Therefore, teach politeness from an early age. Make it a rule not to fulfill requests made in an orderly tone. Explain that you are ready to help, but when he calms down.

Encourage good deeds. If you do not stop focusing only on punishments, build a negative mindset in the baby.

Children will become rude if you respond to such manipulation. Learn to say the word "no". But do not forget to explain the reason for the refusal. Make it clear that you respect his wishes, but you cannot fulfill them now due to circumstances. Try to keep balance, do not be overly strict.

When there is an atmosphere of trust and sincerity in the family at home, this will cause a positive reaction in the child. Talk to each other, share your thoughts. If you teach him to talk about what is bothering him, this will minimize problems in the relationship. He will not begin to be rude to his parents, who are always ready to listen and will not condemn, no matter what happens.