I want my son to do what. Problems of the younger generation. My son wants me

08.04.2019

Girls, not even girls, look older than their age, develop physically early and lead a riotous lifestyle. Federal TV channels are full of stories about these girls. Young men of the same age are already cleverly versed in technology, they feel free on the Internet, and therefore they can easily crack any password and get absolutely any information that a young inquisitive mind requires.

This is the scourge of our time. Availability and ease of use. Precisely because any, even the most forbidden topic, can easily get to a person at his most tender age, when the psyche is still being formed and the foundations of morality are being laid, problems occur. Problems with possible consequences in adulthood.

Problems of the younger generation

Unfortunately, teenagers now have a lot of problems. At a turning point, a crisis moment, girls cannot understand which orientation is closer to them. Young people have the same problems. All kinds of "minorities" appear gay... The lack of fathers in girls' lives translates into the behavior of "Nabokov's Lolita". Young men have a problem of a sexual nature, the so-called "Oedipus complex". And this is just what is clearly striking. Problems that are acutely faced by parents, and adolescents themselves are trying to find a way out of the current state of their inner world.

Today I would like to talk about such a serious problem as the son's sexual attraction to his mother and one of the possible reasons similar behavior - the so-called "Oedipus complex". The topic is very delicate, but undeniably important. In this article, I would like to consider the causes of this problem and a possible, at least partial, solution. Although in such a case it is foolish to look for answers on the Internet - it would be more correct to make an appointment with a psychologist for a full-time appointment.

What is the Oedipus Complex?

The name of this psychological term originates from the ancient Greek myth of King Oedipus. According to the story, Oedipus, by a strange coincidence, was separated from his parents and raised by other people. If you do not go into details, the grown up and matured Oedipus met with his biological parents, but, not knowing this immediately, he killed his father and married his mother. Moreover, they had children in common. When the truth was revealed, Oedipus deprived himself of his sight, and his mother and at the same time his wife, committed suicide.

If we talk about the concept itself, it was introduced into psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud. It denotes an unconscious or conscious sexual attraction to a parent of the opposite sex and ambivalent (dualistic) feelings towards a parent of the same sex. In a general sense, the "Oedipus complex" denotes the immanent, corresponding to the bipolar disposition, the universal unconscious erotic attraction of the child to the parent. This concept is one of the key psychoanalytic theory... Most often, this complex manifests itself in boys, but it also happens in girls.

Sigmund Freud in his works emphasized that this phenomenon is absolutely normal for children. early age from 3-5 years old. Much worse if this problem occurs in young men. puberty and persists into adulthood.

The reasons for the emergence of a teenager's sexual attraction to the mother

In this article, we decided to consider precisely the unconventional attitude of the son towards his mother. Let's remember how often you can hear from little boy the phrase: "Mommy, I will grow up and marry you!" A similar phrase evokes a smile and tears of affection. And in infancy this is really absolutely normal - formation is underway little man, who already now chooses an object for adoration.

And if the hierarchy is not broken in the family, there is a head - a father who is respectful of the mother and kind to his children, then in the future, at the age of 6 and older, the boy will want to adopt the parent's demeanor. But there are situations when the father is not an example for his child, the son is trying in every possible way to replace his father, to protect his mother, and in adolescence happens what happens.

Also, a particularly strong attraction to a woman older than herself by age, returning to the very beginning of the article, may appear due to huge amount available information on television and on the Internet. Now the topic of incest does not cause negativity, but is considered by young people, as quite normal phenomenon... How many films that promote intimacy between a teenager and experienced woman... This is a whole information war against the unformed psyche.

Constant reproaches from parents can knock down the future man very much, as a result of which self-esteem is underestimated.

If you do not pay attention to the behavior of your son in time, and from the main signs of incorrect perception of reality, irritability, refusal to communicate with peers, unreasonable aggression and isolation may also appear, there is a chance to get an insecure adult man with children's complexes.

It would be good to consider and solve a problem of this nature back in childhood, explaining to her child that mom is the woman of the father, but he will definitely have his own, only a young one. And only when he grows up. Indicate the boundaries: there is a mother, a father, and the child is their child, but by no means a jealous person who should fight for a woman.

It is important to intimate life parents, even banal kisses (now it is customary to kiss each other even at home, like in the movies) remained behind the screen, so as not to cause irreparable harm to the child's psyche. Your son should not have seen you naked then or now - this is useless. For the good of your child, you need to try to protect him from unnecessary thoughts and spectacles.

What to do, if ? How can you help a teenager?

I already wrote that it would be nice to immediately contact a psychologist for personal communication between the boy and a specialist. Knowledgeable person will be able to get to the very roots of the problem and help to cope with it.

But if there is no way to do it in the near future ... First, you need to talk to your son. It is necessary. Remind him that you are his parent and not accessible woman... Of course, it's great that you are the ideal for your son, which means that he will look for a girl similar to you. This is flattering, but nothing more. It is not necessary to explain that he is a separate person and to close on his mother, sitting by his skirt in the kitchen. Secondly, to stop any attempts to get closer (unfortunately, this happens). After a few hard failures interest will disappear on one's own.

Be your son's friend and companion, a wise mother. Keep your distance but give love. Mom should be a safe haven, a person who will always understand, support and forgive.

I want my mom and she provokes me herself

Hello, Arina Yurievna! I do not know what to do! I have wanted my mother for a very long time, literally! every day I think only of her! I have a wife! mom has a man! I used to often spy on her, and it seems to me that she guessed about it, and could not help herself! I understand that incest and everything connected with it is bad and a big sin! I try not to think about it, forget it, but it doesn't work! I just get the feeling that there were times when she herself hinted at having sex with her! I was just afraid to meet halfway. there were just such cases when I was lying in the room, she came in and began to wash the floors with her hands, leaning in front of me, and washed the floors for about 15 minutes, although it could have been washed faster! and all sorts of such similar cases happened! there was also a case when she slept naked at night every day, I came to her room and looked at her and touched her! after another night like this, when I left her room and went into mine, I heard her leave her room and went to the kitchen, although when I was in her room, she slept soundly, and usually at night she does not wake up ! and after this incident, when I went to her, then she slept dressed. mom is 41 years old! Can you advise me what to do in this situation ?? I wanted to talk frankly with my mother and tell everything, but I hesitate, I'm afraid that she will not understand me, and our relationship will deteriorate ((

Edward, Samara, 22 years old

Answer:

Lipkina Arina Yurievna

Why do you want to talk to your mother? You want to get her permission to have sex with her because, in your opinion, she behaved in a provocative manner and now you have sexual desires in relation to her? You are 22 years old. You are an adult who is responsible for your decisions. Biologically and psychologically, incestuous relationships are destructive and therefore taboo. I recommend reading about the Westermark hypothesis and the Red Queen hypothesis, for example. What should you do - not talk to your mother, if your task is to help yourself overcome and take control of the process that has started due to various reasons, contact a specialist in person or in absentia via Skype.

Respectfully yours, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

Next question in the rubric

How to realize that he will not change and will not stop hitting?

Hello! The situation is as follows. Married three with more than a year, have known each other for about five years. At the beginning of our relationship (like →

My son wants me

Asks: Diana: 58: 23)

Hello. I may have a strange problem, abnormal. But the fact is, my son wants me. He is 19, he is a student, he is studying. Sometimes I notice how he masturbates on me when I wash in bathroom, shower... When I notice, he is embarrassed, hides. I noticed this a long time ago. Of course, I am a young, attractive woman, many men look at me, young guys, but here is my own son! How can you! I spoke to him many times, I was embarrassed, but I said that I could not help myself, and that was all I wanted to do. I say, there are a lot of peers, young girls, students and in general, but he is fixated on me. I never gave him a reason for anything, of course! When I am sitting in a room on an armchair, my legs are visible, looking at me, all burning with desire, I feel. He comes out of the bathroom naked with me, and does not hide the genitals. I have a husband, but of course I don’t tell him such things, it’s awful. I was drunk on a holiday, pestered me (my son), threw me on the sofa, tried to undress. Why am I so excited? Why not excited by girls of the same age? I can understand. Something abnormal. Often he gives me compliments, how beautiful, sexy I am, gives flowers. This is, of course, nice, but after all, it gives not only as a mother, but also as a woman, it turns out. He says to me sometimes, let's make love! But how can I, this is my son !! This is some kind of incest! He worries when I refuse, cries. But I can't have sex with my child! It doesn't fit in my head! It is not right. He convinces, says that no one will know, but I will know! I cannot. He watches erotica often, then he wants us to have, as shown in these films, unearthly sex. Tell me how to adequately respond to all this? My son is sick? He needs the help of a psychiatrist, sexologist? I'm confused, I don't know what to do, what to do!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

Hello Diana! let's see what's going on:

Sometimes I notice how he masturbates on me when I wash in the bathroom, in the shower. When I notice, he is embarrassed, hides. I noticed this a long time ago. I spoke to him many times, I was embarrassed, but I said that I could not help myself, and that was all I wanted to do. Leaves the bathroom naked with me, and does not hide the penis.

You show victim behavior sexual assault- You KNOW that there is a place for something unnatural in your family, BUT YOU support this - why do you wash, and he looks? why are you silent when he says that he has a desire? all this silence covers him and, accordingly, you - what are YOU afraid of? confess that something is happening? BUT, by doing so, you DO NOT protect it, but contribute to further destruction!

I have a husband, but of course I don’t tell him such things, it’s awful. He was drunk on a holiday, pestered me (son), poured on the sofa, tried to undress.

what's going on in the family? why HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW this !? after all, the son sees that YOU are all hiding it and accept his behavior. be sure to talk to your husband, YOU NEED to resolve the situation, and NOT STAY in it!

He says to me sometimes, let's make love! But how can I, this is my son !! This is some kind of incest! He worries when I refuse, cries.

yes, this is incest, BUT emotionally incest is already committed when he walks naked in front of you, and you KNOW all this and keep silent!

How can I adequately respond to all this? My son is sick? He needs the help of a psychiatrist, sexologist?

be sure to consult a psychiatrist - perhaps there are impaired attraction (perhaps to a sexologist - this is also a doctor), BUT in order to RESOLVE a situation, you need to start talking about it, you need to recognize it, to admit that something is happening in the family, in the relationship between You and your son, you and your husband! do not waste time, and do not indulge the development of the situation up to the violence on the part of your son with your silence about what is happening!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Smirnova Alexandra Vladimirovna

Sexual development of a child begins at an early age, and it is the parents of the child who play an important role in this regard. Their behavior and upbringing will determine whether the child will be able to become sexually mature in the future or will have to face sexual dysfunctions.

After 12 years, such a phase of sexual development begins, in which the child begins to experience a real sexual need. Parents cannot fail to notice the changes in the physical plane of their growing children, for whom it is important to be able to “flirt” with the opposite sex and receive confirmation of their attractiveness. Here, as well as on more early stage It's important for parents to keep boundaries in mind. Muffle sexual development, parental anxiety, expressed in puritanical upbringing, stiffness, and also in the case of non-observance of boundaries, when one of the parents offers the child a large emotional closeness than the one intended for the partner.

It follows that your boundaries are too permeable. You must strengthen them.

I have a husband, but of course I don’t tell him such things, it’s awful.

In the event that the marriage is strong, the parents love each other, take care of each other's sexual satisfaction, they will make it clear to the child gently but decisively that he is "superfluous" here. The child will breathe a sigh of relief and join, i.e. identifies with a parent of the same gender in order to take an example from him and attract the attention of the opposite sex.

In families with weak marriages, parents lack love, sex life unsatisfactory. They can begin to compete for the love of the child, thereby violating the boundaries of what is permissible, i.e. hotly answering romantic feelings child.

Hello Diana. Unfortunately, you are giving your son, unconsciously, favor for what is happening. And at the expense of son you, in to some extent you increase your importance. It is possible that the husband’s non-attention to you is compensated by the son’s attention. But silence is a sign of consent. Therefore, the son will continue to bring your distance closer, up to real incest. And your contribution to this will be the same. In my opinion, you need to solve with a psychologist your own problems with insecurity, self-acceptance, relationships with your husband. You have a double behavior. Some you object to your son, others you carry hidden encouragement, because you make concessions to him. Therefore, work with a psychologist and start talking. confident and frightening no, after which the son's attraction to you will disappear. The reason may be in early childhood, when the child often saw you naked. The second reason is poor adaptation to communication with the female sex. He can not get acquainted either with peers or with mature women because of the low self-esteem you brought up. And with this difficulty it will be important for him to visit a psychologist in the future. And today, show your unambiguous behavior to his actions, and the problem between you will disappear. mandatory.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist at the Volgograd psychoanalytic school

My son wants me as a woman

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My pervert son, what should I do?

I have two children, a 13-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter! A prosperous family (I thought so until yesterday), we live in abundance. I quit my job, I am engaged in children, they go in for sports. the son is professional, the daughter is still amateur. All the time the children are under supervision, I boasted that my children get along well with each other: they play together, watch TV, etc. Nothing indicated deviations. except that the daughter recent times began to focus on the genitals (in the words the ass, pussy slips.), I blamed everything on curiosity, I even bought a children's encyclopedia.

Yesterday was a normal day, my son has a vacation, my daughter also decided to make a weekend. after dinner the children went to watch a movie. when I entered the room, I did not immediately understand what was happening. the daughter is lying on her bed, and the son is standing over her with his pants down.

You cannot describe everything, and you cannot convey it. I found out the next: my son was committing lecherous actions against his sister, namely, he demonstrated his dignity, rubbing them against his daughter's knife, and tickling her finger between her legs! My daughter said that it was a game that they played several times. it was not painful, it was ticklish.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I wanted to call the police.? what will she do? lead to a psychiatrist? (he cried all evening, crawled on his knees. asked to be taken to prison or an orphanage), take his daughter to a gynecologist. and I. how could this happen to our family. I've been crying for the second day already, I'm afraid to tell my husband. I don’t know his reaction, I don’t know where to go, I’m afraid to leave them alone. I CAN'T ANYMORE.

My own son pesters me. What if the son wants a mom?

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I have been living with my husband for 6 years, there are no children of my own, my husband’s son from his first marriage lives with us (he will be 17 years old).

After the 9th grade, the son expressed a categorical reluctance to study further in school and went to college for his girlfriend. The training was paid. Having dropped his studies even for a year and after parting with his girlfriend, he categorically does not want to study further in this college. And in general, he wants to go to enter the capital. We live in a city far from Moscow.

I offered to transfer from a college in our city to a college in Moscow (after finishing the first year)

I am also not ready to pay for his training again, especially in the capital it costs more, but for this moment our family does not have such an opportunity. I'm not sure he won't quit the same way.

But I can’t put my husband in front of a choice either, because I understand that this is his child and he must give him some kind of start.

We have a common budget.

Maybe you should split the budget? The husband will pay for the needs of his child, but will I create our life?

I'm already running out of patience too .. I'm tired of convincing her not to climb into their relationship. how to convince her. already that just didn’t say. and I don’t want to quarrel with my friend, I love her.

I married my son

Often there are many single mothers in our time who devote their whole life and themselves to their child, live with him alone, without arranging their personal life. And very often then their children cannot create their own family, grow up, take responsibility, and remain little children of their mothers all their lives. Once I talked with a thirty-six-year-old woman who did not marry, only because she was afraid of offending her mother.

"I married my son." When did it happen? What happened that I made such a decision? Perhaps when he was still a few days or a few months old, or perhaps it happened later, when we moved to live in Tver. Except for him then in Tver, I had no one close. He is the only one who supported me.

Each session of psychotherapy, the psychotherapist and I touch upon very painful topics in my life, deep processes begin, and after that I have a lot of realizations. Back in the fall of 2014, I somehow realized that there are no culprits in the difficulties I face in my life. I create them myself, and then I settle them. Everything takes time, time stretches over the years, and at the moment of realization it becomes very pity for these past years. My personal life also developed this way only because it was only my choice.

There was a lot of grievances, claims and pain in me when my loved one betrayed me. Going into a new relationship means that you will again face all this bouquet of painful feelings. It was very scary for me. To relive what I went through again. The question of trust arises, can I open up and meet halfway to someone? They could betray me again. I really wanted to find a partner who would never betray me, leave me, hurt me and accept me for who I am. And on an unconscious level, I had such a partner - this is my son.

The son was born, the birth was difficult, we were discharged only two weeks later, he caught a cold in the hospital, and almost immediately we were admitted to another hospital. The struggle for his life during the first four to five months set priorities on its own, and I put him on my pedestal. He became the meaning of my whole life. My son was the main man for me. Other men are all just after him. After a divorce from his father, he immediately took pride of place next to me in the role of my only loved one.

Of course, the men met, there was a relationship. But I never got a husband, a man with whom I would go through life and share all the joys and sorrows. All relationships were superficial. Now I understand that I did not need others, my beloved son was always with me. I lived for him, the meaning of life, the person to whom I gave affection, love, care, for whom I earned money. I was sure that he would always be by my side, he would go through life, we would share all the joys and sorrows, we would go through all the difficulties together. He has always been and will be there. And that he might start his own adult life, I tried not to think about it. Everything was good and wonderful. It was convenient and comfortable for me to live in illusions.

Mad love of a mother for a child, to cripple not only her life, but also the life of her child. Many mothers give themselves completely to their children and devote their lives to them. Is such a mother able to see the child as a person with his desires, needs, capabilities and potential? That her child is a free person? That he will eventually build his personal life and leave it? Her task is not to use the child as the satisfaction of her needs and the realization of her unfulfilled desires. That we need to help him to reveal his potential, to become an individual and a self-sufficient person. But more often it is difficult for us to separate our maternal desires from the desires of the child.

The psychological protection that I put in, controlled me. I thought it was normal when a mother madly loves her child, devotes her life to him, considers him the meaning of her life. I thought that I had him who would be with me all my life and would never betray, leave, or offend me.

The older I got, I began to think about the fact that I gave up my personal life for the sake of my child. Such a relationship that I had with my son could not stand for one man, no one could be near. A man-husband could only accompany and nourish this connection. The choice to leave, I always made when I saw that he was a man does not treat my son the way I want and imagine.

Time passed, the child grew up, I am already 45. He has a family. And I have?

We had a wonderful life with him. We were good friends. He has always been my support and support. It was the meaning of my whole life. And all my successes and achievements, in part, were for him. We had a weekend together. We had evenings when we talked heart to heart, when we shared our problems and achievements with each other. We could wallow with him, hug, enjoy our closeness and relationships.

I remember that I never played with him like a child in children's games. I treated him like adult personality... When we moved with him to Tver, 18 years ago, at the Moscow airport, he suddenly matured and was no longer a child for me. I gave him the freedom to make decisions on his own, what to do, where to go, what profession to choose, I made all his "adult" decisions. It is bitter and hard to understand this now. It's sad that I put the figure of a partner on my son, it was very difficult for him to live with such a burden. Because real mom that should have been, he did not have. And she believed that she was raising him in love, in fact she used for her own purposes, as a medicine for her loneliness, which she herself chose. And I feel sad that I lived in an illusion for many years, when I blamed other people for my unsuccessful attempts to arrange my personal life, in fact, only I was the culprit.

And when he got married, I found myself alone and without a son, and without support, and without support .. He had another woman with whom he spent all his time. And since there was no psychologically healthy relationship as a mother and son, the appearance of another woman was the cause of many of our conflicts, which I provoked.

Yet sadder story- this is my relationship with a loved one. I transferred my relationship with my son to him. The son, was the only and main man for many years. In another way, I did not know how. And I transferred my model of behavior to my man. I immediately began to regard him as my own child.

The son is the husband; husband - son, it makes no difference. From the very beginning, next to me I saw not an adult man, a realized personality, but a man who needs to be raised, educated and taught. I decided everything: how we would rest, where we would go, what we needed to buy furniture, what house to build, how to make repairs, what training he should go to, how often to change his shirts, chose clothes for him, I decided what he should have pen, briefcase and so on.

While we lived together, I felt that something was wrong, it should not be so in a relationship with a partner. But some incomprehensible force moved me, which was stronger than me and I could not help myself. There was a pattern of behavior worked out over the years, and I behaved in accordance with my pattern. Outwardly, everything is good, but in the inside there is a conflict. It was simply not possible to withstand such strong maternal care and love. I remember my feelings for my son, and our relationship with him, all the same I felt in relation to my man.

When I suddenly realized what I had done, that I “married my son,” this realization shocked me. I kept thinking that the reason for my fickle relationship and why they didn’t add up lay in my childhood, but it turned out that it lay on the surface in my adult life.

How many mothers do not realize what they are doing with themselves and with their children. How often there are now men who are already forty or more, but they are lonely and live with their mothers. How often there are the same lonely women living with their mothers. Moms marry their children. They walk the path least resistance... It's easier. After all, with a partner, you need to build relationships, rub in, reckon, consult, take into account the opinion, desire, sometimes step over your ambitions. With a partner, not everything is smooth and good, sometimes it hurts. It's easier with children. You do not need to grind with them, you do not need to adjust to them. They can be ordered, forced, forced to do what we want. There is no need to reckon with their desires, for us they are obliged to fulfill only our desires! We can butter them up with candy, a gift, or a trip somewhere. We can love them when we want it, or when we need it. And if we are tired or we have Bad mood, then they can be pushed aside, asked or ordered not to interfere, not to disturb, not to make noise.

My mom did the same. She always believed and said that she did not need a man, because she had me, and she would live with me. She rejected the idea that we could live separately. My mom also married me. I remember well how my mother was unhappy with all the men who met in my life. She always said the same words "He is not worthy of you." I was indignant, angry, quarreled with her, but I could not change anything. All my attempts to part with her led to a return to her.

We mothers ourselves cripple our children, our boys and girls, we make of mama's sons and daughters - our "husbands-toys". How sad and painful these thoughts are. And we ourselves, unfortunately, degrade as individuals, because, not having healthy relationships with an equal partner, we do not develop. Not being able to build relationships, develop them with an adult man, leads to the devastation of our female part of the personality.

My husband slept with my own mother

It is extremely unpleasant event happened just before my birthday. My husband and I lived together for 2 years, he was 31, I was 23, there were no joint children.

As usual in the morning I left for work, in the afternoon Sergei called me and said that he would stop by my mother, he needed to pick up something. That night he did not come home to spend the night, but I was calm, because he stayed with his mother-in-law.

On next morning my 10-year-old brother called me to congratulate on DR and from his voice I understood that he wanted to tell me something, but did not know how to start. And yet he told ... our father was on a business trip, my mother invited a friend home, they drank like a woman, then my Sergei came and joined my mother's company. They drank for a long time and a lot, Sergei, etc. Marina ( mom's friend) stayed overnight, tk. were pretty drunk. My brother and mother lay down in the room, her friend in the hall, and my husband slept in the kitchen.

This is how I received a present for my birthday - a blow below the belt, I was betrayed by two people close to me. I understand that vodka did it or that they drank there, but it was so sick. Then there was a terrible scandal, stress, hatred, in the end I forgave both of them, but rather only in words, and not with my heart and soul. They, of course, denied everything, but I believed my brother, he never deceived me, despite his young age, and there was no need for him to lie.

Slept with a friend's son what to do?

You didn't rape anyone ...

A person is 17 years old, and criminal responsibility is from 14. Adult people.

Do not torture yourself that it was that was ... The most common occurrence when a boy learns from adult woman(he's not a virgin, why have you seduced him !?). Don't screw yourself up!

There it will be seen, I think that it is not worth talking to a friend unless necessary, unless absolutely necessary ...

Our people are all “saints”, so that you can condemn someone (and what ?!) there is nothing wrong with your incident.

Hold on and good luck to you

And for women, I am convinced of again, there is no logic and intuition

Writing on the wall

I pay for his studies, no part-time jobs and "contributions to family budget"I do not demand it yet. Now the main thing is to focus on the institute, to direct all efforts to successfully obtaining a diploma. I can quite afford to support him for another couple of years, I have a stable job, a good position. And he is my only son.

I remembered the Soviet film "You Are." But there is still a different story, although they are similar

The girl will not disappear, she is accustomed to work.

By the way, for men, unlike women, having a family, wife, children when applying for a job is a plus, many employers believe that this speaks of responsibility and less desire to jump from place to place.

About the son separately - this is a jerk, homegrown Sissy... By 23, many are already building a career, and, at the same time, successfully studying. You should be able to bear responsibility yourself, and not run to your mother for help. By the way, about him

"hormones". At 23, you can already fall in love for real.

Regarding his plans, he does not want to, let him not marry, he helps the child financially. If he wants an internship - so let him knock. What is the problem? Rent the girl a simple, modest apartment and have her go to work as quickly as she can.

The ending in this story will be simple - if a girl has an abortion, this will also be a hard lesson for her son. What will the mother get - her sweet little son will live with her until her death, not a single daughter-in-law will like it. At the first call, she will run to her mother and will not learn to take responsibility for her own actions! he will never have a family with such an approach! If the girl does not have an abortion, joy will come to the family anyway! And everything will work out, and if the son is really such a straightforward fellow, then he will be able to organize an internship abroad, only, it seems to me that he has a thin gut.

And also my mother’s mistake - he shouldn’t have allowed him to bring the girl to his house. If he loves, let him marry and live separately, like an adult man! The author is not a victim here, but a brainless madam who has not been able to raise her son normally.

My son wants me as a woman

Elena, age: 50 / 01/07/2016

Marina, age: 38/07/2016

Elena, our children are still our children. And at 20, and at 30 and at 40 years old. What you put into the child, the good that you did - it will not be forgotten. But a child is, after all, a different person, not like us. He may have his own desires, his own views. He may not show that he doesn't like something because he doesn't want to upset you. You - good mom... And there is no need to doubt it. But he, apparently, now has a period when he needs to live on his own. There is nothing wrong. And if such a need is ripe, if a person needs it, then there is no need to be offended at him for it. This is the period that will pass. He will live separately, understand something for himself. Even if he is even mistaken in something now. It is necessary to give the opportunity to make decisions yourself, and, perhaps, make some mistakes. This is a necessary period of growing up, which can even be painful for parents.

Children grow up and leave. You, too, at some point separated from your parents, and did not consider it to be something bad or wrong. Well, now the son is going through it.

It seems to me that you never need to dramatize your relationship with children. Maybe the very first to take the initiative. Call, congratulate on the holiday. To say that you will be glad to see your son and his girlfriend at your place. That they can come whenever they want. Here the simpler the better. And this excessive drama can be frightening. When a relationship is too complicated, it is not clear how to maintain and continue it. It seems to me that here an adult should somehow sort it out. That is, it would be simple and appropriate to behave in such a way as to address and come to you.

And don't be so upset, please. Do not communicate with your son through acquaintances. This further complicates the situation, it seems to me.

Olya, age: 42/07/2016

Elena, hello! Maybe it will be difficult for me to correctly understand the situation from the perspective of my age, but it seems to me that in this situation, with a sober approach, you can find your positive moments. You raised a son capable of independent life- this is the first. After all, he was able to find an apartment himself and live independently for five months - he could, which means that you can be sure that your son is able to adapt in this difficult life today. Further, the son wanted to live independently of you, relying entirely on his own financial capabilities - he didn’t take anything from home, as you write, and doesn’t ask for money? This is also a plus and characterizes your son as responsible person... Not everyone can live at their own expense at the age of 20 and not ask their mother for anything. Third, your son still remembers you, if he gave a gift, his understanding of the fact that there is a mother with whom you need to maintain at least some kind of relationship is not atrophied. Regarding the hospital - maybe at his age it was difficult for him to assess how important his help in the hospital was to you? People often tend to judge the condition of others by their own "yardstick", and a 20-year-old does not understand many of the nuances of a person's condition at 50. Regarding the "flight" of your son and your impression of his indifference: it seems to me that your son can now be possessed by a kind of childish and youthful egoism, an irresistible desire to be independent in everything, and all this prevents him from seeing your condition, fully realizing the pain, which he inflicts on you, and show filial feelings. I hardly believe that with the upbringing that you gave, a person devoid of morality could grow up; rather, the son, out of immaturity, underestimates your suffering and thinks that he didn’t do anything like that and that you are just winding yourself up and are nervous about nonsense. Elena, I believe that your son will grow up and will reward you a hundredfold for everything that you have invested in him. More about your son's "flight": it seems to you that everything happened unexpectedly and for no reason, but nothing happens without a reason. Think, maybe, after all, you overdid it with care and did not notice yourself? Maybe they paid too much attention, and the son stopped appreciating attention? If you gave all the time to your son, lived his life and breathed his deeds, forgetting about your life, that you have your own life, then maybe you need to pay attention to the fact that your son has grown up and you no longer need to constant participation in the life of the son, you no longer need to forget about yourself for the sake of the child, etc. Can you finally pay attention to some of your business, live for yourself, devote more time to what is necessary and pleasant to you? The degree of independence of your son allows you to do this. Maybe your son stopped appreciating your concern due to the fact that you donated too much, did not value yourself much, did not respect your own own desires? Indeed, often a person is treated the way he treats himself - if he forgets about himself, then others forget about him. Try to forbid yourself to wait, like mercy, for the attention of your son, and take care of yourself with your beloved, maybe then metamorphoses will begin in your son's head))) I wish you happiness!

Violet, age: 32 / 01/07/2016

Hello, Elena! Honey, I sympathize with you! The situation, to be honest, is strange! But try not to be killed like that, perhaps that girl does not have a very good effect on her son, but still he will understand how you love him and will begin to communicate. Elena, go to church, pray for your son. Take care of yourself! I wish you everything to work out! Merry Christmas to you!

Irina, age: 28/07/2016

Elena, switch to something else. The more you kill, the more it moves away. Because nobody wants to feel guilty. He now has a girl in the first place - this must be understood and accepted. Many guys have such a period, and mothers are worried. Over time, everything will change.

Now go to a dating site and find love for yourself.

He is happy and you be happy!

Valeria, age: 33/07/2016

Elena, dear, but the main thing is that your son is alive and well, right? To make him happy, cheerful, enjoy life. But he cannot do it always next to you! Let him "catch his breath", come to his senses away from you. He really is already an adult. He needs to build his life, make his own in it personal choice... Without consulting you.

d, age: 19/08/2016

I sympathize with you that it is given to you to survive this, and you clearly do not deserve it. but this is necessary for you and for him (maybe I will be strict, but I will express male gaze). understand that a boy must become a MAN sooner or later. Although you do not like a soul in him, HE IS NOT A LITTLE BOY! he needs to live, create a family if you love him then you need to somehow let him go (after all, not always and not for war, but just let go of himself a little), believe LIFE will teach him and he will not leave you, you just need to find the meaning life apart from him in something else, there can not be another person the meaning of life. To begin with, calm down and get distracted, look a little from the outside at this problem, I feel that it overwhelmed you. you need to be distracted somehow. Try to pray, to embroider something or to weave from beads - in general, as a distraction. God help you, and besides, do not look for some kind of guilt in yourself.

PavlikNeMorozov, age: 01/24/2016

Good afternoon, happy holiday to you! I would just really like my son to live separately from me. In my opinion, this is wonderful: I became independent, I myself found a place to live, I don’t ask you for money, I am satisfied with my personal life. And I would have rented an apartment for my son, but he will not be able to live there, or he will flood his neighbors, or start a fire. Although smart, he studies at a prestigious university, the same age as yours. I am very tired of his rudeness, unusual filth and unwillingness to reckon with anyone. He can't even wash a plate after him, so he grabs new ones and throws dirty ones in his bed. Grandma tried to get along with him, but could not stand it. So, do not worry, the son loves you, you will nurse your grandchildren. 50 is a wonderful age, live for yourself. GOD Help))

Svetlana, age: 48 / 01/08/2016

It is very strange to compare yourself with an abandoned mistress in relation to your child. This sounds unhealthy. I understand that you write like that out of overwhelming emotions, but even as a joke you shouldn't say that. You probably still have not experienced the act of your husband, who took a mistress and eventually left you. This story is still very painful for you. So maybe start with this?

Indeed, there is nothing wrong with the fact that the son lives separately. This is good for him. In any case, children leave their parents when they grow up. He had to secretly escape from you, well, he did not find any other way, maybe he could not or could not explain - he was afraid of your anger. Now he already wants to be not only a son, but himself to become a husband and father to someone. You'd better be happy for him.

For consolation, you should turn to God, that's who, for sure, is always waiting for and receiving you. Go to church for confession, listen and read akathists, prayers, it will be easier.

perejit.ru read there articles about the experience of divorce, separation, about love addiction, it might help you.

Margarita, age: 30/08/2016

Thank you, my dears, for responding, not passing by. Only you misunderstood me, I don’t suffer from the fact that my son lives separately, it’s not a burden for me, I’m not jealous of a girl, I’m happy for him. I am proud that at the age of 20 he completely and firmly stands on his feet (this is also my merit). It hurts me that he doesn’t call, didn’t visit the hospital, said he didn’t want to see me. God knows, I am a reasonable mother, I didn’t get into his life, I didn’t give advice, if he didn’t ask, I didn’t restrict freedom. I don’t understand why he hates me so much.

Margarita, you are wrong in everything, you did not understand the meaning of my phrase. O ex-husband already forgot to think.

Elena, age: 50 / 01/08/2016

Elena, your son does not call and does not come, not because he hates you, but he is simply afraid of talking, crying, hysterics, clarification of the relationship - why, how could he? The boy just grew up, he stands firmly on his feet, he needs personal space, the opportunity to relax, to feel himself the master of his life, excuse me, but he also has an intimate life and it is important for him - not to live with his mother behind the wall until retirement? Stop hysteria and dwell on this, stop pressured him for pity - you scare him, it makes him hard, but he did nothing wrong, he grew up and lives adult life... As soon as he hears that you are contented, happy, live your life, do not get sick on the basis of narvnoe soil and are not hysterical - he will call and come. In the meantime, get busy personal life, travel, spend time with friends, get a kitten or a dog and there will be no time to cry.

Meela, age: 38/01/2016

Helena! gladly changed places with you, in exchange for knowing that my blood is alive, healthy and everything is fine with her! My adult child is seriously ill. It is clear that you are in pain. but, if you are an intelligent person, then leave all attempts to enter it new life! let time pass, it will put everything in its place. Realization should come if you did not oppress him in childhood. Do not neglect your health, then you will die, etc. Unfortunately, your son will only be annoyed! Let time pass. I handed over the gift, it's wonderful! remembers all the same. In vain you returned. Cheer up, stop shedding tears, because he is ALIVE and HEALTHY. Be patient, he'll be back. and you, in turn, do not reproach, but do not creep either. must be in proper shape, with a smile on their face. Good luck!

Violet, age: 45/10/01/2016

Elena, hello again, this is the first of two "Violets" that answered your letter. I read your answer to the responses, I would like to recommend once again that you take care of yourself, your beloved, then maybe you will not react so sharply to the situation. Take care of yourself, do not leave your son burdens and guilt for life, give him the opportunity to understand without sacrifice that he is wrong. Be healthy!

Hello Vika! Help with advice. A friend of my son fell in love with me. He says that he will commit suicide if I do not answer his feelings. I tried to get through to this fool many times, but I'm afraid to press hard. What if he really does something to himself? Now I am writing, but inside everything is shaking with nerves.

I am 43 years old, divorced for a long time. I try to keep in shape, I look good. I have no lover; after the divorce, everything switched to my son. I didn't need anything in terms of sex. As if a battery was taken out. My husband and I divorced very badly, swore, fought, he still hates me, although 10 years have passed. Men are still paying attention to me, but she did not bring anyone into the house. I didn’t want to injure the child, it’s more important for me. Yes, and no one clung so much that he wanted to change his life. The problem came from where no one expected. The son, he is 18 years old, has best friend, have been friends since the 6th grade. He, one might say, grew up before my eyes. He often came to visit, sometimes he spent the night with us. Has always been affectionate child... Will thank you for lunch, sometimes even hug you. But in Last year he seemed to be replaced. He sits at the table and, without looking up, watches me from under long bangs... Became silent, withdrawn. Mumbles: "Thank you!" - and sideways from the table.

The real nightmare began three months ago after his son's birthday. His friends came and I allowed him to drink wine. Mine was drunk for joy, I put him to bed, I didn't even scold him. His friend said he would help wash the dishes. We stand, grind the dishes, he suddenly began to ask where the father of my son is and why I, so beautiful, alone. I laughed and said: "The nose is not mature enough to conduct adult conversations, go home already." And he suddenly threw the towel, stepped towards me, squeezed it in a corner and said: “You probably a real man did not come across. " Just like that immediately on "you"! And the eyes are so serious. I see that it is not a boy who is talking to me, but a man. He grabbed his hands, climbed to kiss, I was just numb with shame. The guy is two heads taller than me, strong, strong. I twisted it so that I couldn't breathe. His kisses made me dizzy. Somehow she shoved her aside, hissed that the wine had hit him in the head, and in general - how dare he. He immediately wilted, began to mumble that he had loved me for a long time, was waiting for a convenient occasion. I kicked him out, the valerian got drunk, everyone was just shaking.

I hoped it was alcohol, but the next morning, when I sent my son to class, the doorbell rang. I open, on the threshold - his friend. I thought I came to apologize. But he is again about the fact that I dream of him at night. He began to rip off my clothes right in the corridor, unbutton his fly. I told him: “What, you decided to rape me? You are like a brother to my son, how can you? " This stopped him. He began to say that he wanted love, carried some nonsense, that he was ready to marry, that he would go to work, fell on his knees, kissed his hands. I threatened to call the police, said that he was skipping classes, and I didn’t need a bad student. She was carrying some kind of nonsense, just to leave.

Since then, it has started on a curve. Comes when the son is not. It grabs, squeezes in secluded corners, climbs with kisses, from which I just feel sick. I'm not made of iron, I'm afraid of breaking - he's very handsome. And I haven't had a man for so long! Once, almost everything happened: he piled me on the bed, stripped myself naked and almost stripped me, I so wanted to taste his penis! It's terrible, but I really wanted to have sex with him! I stopped only the thought of the age difference. Vika, I'm sorry for the details, but I'm holding on with the last bit of strength. The son does not know about anything, and I live in an erotic nightmare. What should I do? Try to talk to the guy's parents, teachers? V last meeting he said he would commit suicide if I didn’t answer him. I'm so afraid.

Galina

Dear Galina! From your letter, literally sparks fly. It was this fire of unsatisfied sexual desire that inflamed the boy. I believe that you had no idea of seducing him. But still, it was you, albeit unwittingly, who provoked such a delicate situation.

When I first noticed that the guy was looking at you with childish interest, it was necessary to immediately cut this smoldering wick. Become stricter, try, under any pretext, to stop his visits to your house. You must have been amused by the attention of the youngster, I would not be surprised if you even began to flirt a little with him. After all, nothing raises self-esteem in a woman like the adoration of a man who is much younger than her. You simply did not take into account that an 18-year-old person's need for love can reach a physiological cataclysm. You ask what to do now? Honestly, I don’t know! Each person can solve moral questions only independently. In fact, everything between you has already happened. What difference does it make that you, as a 17-year-old virgin, did not allow penetration? Since I had managed to be naked in the same bed with him, it was just sadism not to play the final chord. A guy can be so hit in the head with sperm that he will dare to do absolutely inadequate actions. I do not blame you at all, none of us is immune from mistakes. But now, it seems to me, most of all you should think about your own son, do everything possible so that he does not guess anything. After all, if he finds out the truth, he is unlikely to be able to forgive both you and his friend. I don’t think the promises of a persistent boy to commit suicide are real threat... Most likely, he felt that Aunt Galya was ripe and should push a little, the long-awaited happiness would happen. For him, a connection with a mature woman would be beneficial in every way. This experience allows you to be liberated in sex, to get rid of youthful complexes. But for you, this relationship will lead to continuous problems. You need to be aware that no one around you will understand your act. So try to sort this whole thing out somehow. If you cannot avoid intimacy, both of you must keep everything in the strictest confidence. Perhaps, having satisfied his manic desire, the guy will calm down and understand that your destinies, due to objective circumstances, will never merge. But I repeat once again that in such matters the advice of outsiders is inappropriate. And do not try to resort to the help of his parents or teachers. He really may not survive such a shame.

Hello, Arina Yurievna!

I do not know what to do! I have wanted my mother for a very long time, literally! every day I think only of her! I have a wife! mom has a man! I used to often spy on her, and it seems to me that she guessed about it, and could not help herself! I understand that incest and everything connected with it is bad and a big sin! I try not to think about her, forget, but I can't!

I just get the feeling that there were times when she herself hinted at having sex with her! I was just afraid to meet halfway ... there were just such cases when I was lying in the room, she came in and began to wash the floors with her hands, bending over in front of me, and washed the floors for about 15 minutes, although it was possible to wash faster! And all sorts of similar cases happened! There was also a case when she slept naked at night every day, I came to her room and looked at her and touched her! After another such night, when I left her room and went into mine, I heard her leave her room and went to the kitchen, although when I was in her room, she slept soundly, and usually at night she does not wake up ! And after this incident, when I went to her, then she slept dressed ... my mother is 41 years old!

Can you advise me what to do in this situation ?? I wanted to talk frankly with my mother and tell everything, but I hesitate, I'm afraid that she will not understand me, and our relationship will deteriorate ((

Edward, Samara, 22 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Edward.

Why do you want to talk to your mother? Do you want her permission to have sex with her because, in your opinion, she behaved in a provocative manner and now you have sexual desires towards her?

You are 22 years old. You are an adult who is responsible for your decisions. Biologically and psychologically, incestuous relationships are destructive and therefore taboo. I recommend reading about the Westermark hypothesis and the Red Queen hypothesis, for example.

What should you do - not talk to your mother, if your task is to help yourself overcome and take control of the process that has started due to various reasons, contact a specialist in person or in absentia via Skype.

Respectfully yours, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

Their small family consists of only two people: herself and her eight-year-old son. The boy grew up without a father and is very close to his mother: for the last four years they have been taking a bath together. First for reasons of saving water and time, and now Deirdre Goodwin sees other reasons:

“When Noah was 4 or 5 years old, he started asking me questions about the differences between boys and girls. I tried to answer according to his age: "These are body parts of girls, and these are boys." We discussed what is allowed to touch and what is not. I didn't want him to be ashamed of his naked body.

Now that he has grown up, there are fewer questions, but I try not to make a secret out of it. I see him naked when I help him get dressed, and he sees me change. He knows that in the presence of other people, my mother wears clothes, and I know that he will follow my example.

Noah loves it when I let him shower with me. Most often this happens when I am tired at work and about to go to bed at the same time as him. But still, he bathes himself more often: Noah loves water very much and can stay in the bath until the water turns cold.

The comprehensive upbringing of my son seems very important to me, I believe that he should know what the real looks like female body: with fat folds, stretch marks and other imperfections. So he will respect women and not be ashamed of his own shortcomings.

I don’t want Noah’s ideas about women to come from catalogs. underwear, movies, or (eventually) porn. An example for me was Noah's paternal grandmother: she often went naked with her family, including in the presence of her four sons and grandchildren.

My mom is still shocked by the fact that I do not hide my nudity from my son. She raised two sons and never let them see her naked. Some of my friends also disagree with my opinion, but they understand that I don't care.

I am not embellishing reality for my son. When we went to the dentist, and Noah asked if it would hurt him, I replied that there might be some blood, but then the tooth will stop hurting. The dental assistant was shocked - they do not say the word "blood" in front of children, but call it " tomato juice". Are you seriously? The last thing I would like is for Noah to count blood as tomato juice.

As a single mother, I want to prepare my son for life as best I can. And I don't want him to be ashamed to ask me any questions, especially when it comes to his body or sexuality. With such topics, he should go to his mother. "

Hello. I may have a strange problem, abnormal. But the fact is, my son wants me. He is 19, he is a student, he is studying. Sometimes I notice how he masturbates on me when I wash in the bathroom, in the shower. When I notice, he is embarrassed, hides. I noticed this a long time ago. Of course, I am a young, attractive woman, many men look at me, young guys, but here is my own son! How can you! I spoke to him many times, I was embarrassed, but I said that I could not help myself, and that was all I wanted to do. I say, there are a lot of peers, young girls, students and in general, but he is fixated on me. I never gave him a reason for anything, of course! When I am sitting in a room on an armchair, my legs are visible, looking at me, all burning with desire, I feel. He comes out of the bathroom naked with me, and does not hide the genitals. I have a husband, but of course I don’t tell him such things, it’s awful. I was drunk on a holiday, pestered me (my son), threw me on the sofa, tried to undress. Why am I so excited? Why not excited by girls of the same age? I can understand. Something abnormal. Often he gives me compliments, how beautiful, sexy I am, gives flowers. This is, of course, nice, but after all, it gives not only as a mother, but also as a woman, it turns out. He says to me sometimes, let's make love! But how can I, this is my son !! This is some kind of incest! He worries when I refuse, cries. But I can't have sex with my child! It doesn't fit in my head! It is not right. He convinces, says that no one will know, but I will know! I cannot. He watches erotica often, then he wants us to have, as shown in these films, unearthly sex. Tell me how to adequately respond to all this? My son is sick? He needs the help of a psychiatrist, sexologist? I'm confused, I don't know what to do, what to do!

Hello Diana! let's see what's going on:

Sometimes I notice how he masturbates on me when I wash in the bathroom, in the shower. When I notice, he is embarrassed, hides. I noticed this a long time ago.

I spoke to him many times, I was embarrassed, but I said that I could not help myself, and that was all I wanted to do.

Leaves the bathroom naked with me, and does not hide the penis.

You show the behavior of a victim of sexual assault - you KNOW that there is a place for something unnatural in your family, BUT YOU support it - why are you washing, and he is watching? why are you silent when he says that he has a desire? all this silence covers him and, accordingly, you - what are YOU afraid of? confess that something is happening? BUT, by doing so, you DO NOT protect it, but contribute to further destruction!

He was drunk on a holiday, pestered me (son), poured on the sofa, tried to undress.

what's going on in the family? why HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW this !? after all, the son sees that YOU are hiding ALL of this and accept his behavior !!! be sure to talk to your husband, YOU NEED to resolve the situation, and NOT STAY in it!

He says to me sometimes, let's make love! But how can I, this is my son !! This is some kind of incest! He worries when I refuse, cries.

yes, this is incest, BUT emotionally incest is already committed when he walks naked in front of you, and you KNOW all this and keep silent!

How can I adequately respond to all this? My son is sick? He needs the help of a psychiatrist, sexologist?

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Hello Diana.

After 12 years, such a phase of sexual development begins, in which the child begins to experience a real sexual need. Parents cannot fail to notice the changes in the physical plane of their maturing children, for whom it is important to be able to "flirt" with the opposite sex and receive confirmation of their attractiveness. Here, as in the earlier phase, it is important for parents to keep boundaries in mind. Anxiety of parents, expressed in puritanical upbringing, stiffness, and also in the case of violation of boundaries when a parent offers a child more emotional intimacy than that which is intended for a partner.

It follows that your boundaries are too permeable. You must strengthen them.

I have a husband, but of course I don’t tell him such things, it’s awful.

Hello Diana. Unfortunately, you are giving your son, unconsciously, favor for what is happening. And at the expense of your son, you, to some extent, increase your importance. It is possible that your husband's non-attention to you is compensated by the attention of your son. But silence is a sign consent. Therefore, the son will continue to draw your distance, up to real incest. And your contribution to this will be the same. In my opinion, you need to solve your own problems with a psychologist with insecurity, self-acceptance, relationships with your husband. You have a double behavior. You object to your son, you carry hidden encouragement to others, as you make concessions to him. Therefore, work with a psychologist and start saying a confident and intimidating no, after which the attraction of your son to you will disappear. The reason may be in early childhood, when the child often saw you naked The second reason is poor adaptation to communication with the female sex. He cannot meet either peers or mature women because of the low self-esteem brought up by you. And with this difficulty, it is important for him children to visit a psychologist, in the future. And today, show your unambiguous behavior to his actions, and the problem between you will disappear. And your husband must be threatened without fail.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist at the Volgograd psychoanalytic school

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