How not to become a mom for a man. How not to bother with your excessive guardianship, change the status of mommy and be equal with a man. Why the role of a mother is dangerous in a relationship

26.03.2019

“My husband needs to be reminded several times to have lunch. He could starve to death next to the fridge if I don't warm up his lunch!" “Such complaints from women are not uncommon. However, it is unlikely that even one similar case death was recorded in police reports. But one thing is certain: when a woman behaves like a “mother”, it is dangerous for her mental and sexual health.

First, when you treat your husband like a child, you risk forgetting about the quality of sex. AT best case, it can turn into dull piston movements under a blanket in the dark.

Secondly, psychologists argue that the desire to control another person, brought to the point of absurdity, leads to the desire to kill the object of observation. In this case, do not be surprised if sooner or later your marriage falls apart. Do you want to learn from your experience?

Below are 8 tips on how not to turn from a beloved wife into a "mother" for your husband.

1. In the morning, you don’t need to try to collect your husband for work, as if the child were in kindergarten, all the while adjusting the collar, scarf or trousers. It is enough to fully evaluate the appearance before leaving, so that everything is in order, and ask: “Darling, have you forgotten anything: keys, mobile, wallet?”

2. Do not try to completely control your husband. Never force him to tell you with whom and what he just talked on the phone, and that the interlocutor answered him. If he wants, he will tell himself. Otherwise, instead of an obedient boy-husband, you will get a teenager who will tell you anything, so long as you do not interfere in his affairs and do not encroach on the sacred - his freedom.

3. “Call me when you arrive, otherwise I will worry”, “Don’t drink coffee on an empty stomach, eat”, “Don’t stay too long!” Forget these and similar phrases. You don't have to cackle like a chicken at your husband if you want to keep the passion in your relationship.

4. Do not decide for your man when it comes to any plans. Leave him the opportunity to decide for two where and how you will spend your free time.

5. Don't force your spouse to tell you about it. personal life up to you. If he sees fit, he will tell about his experience. But think, do you need it?

6. Do not proofread your loved one for the same thing more than twice. Otherwise, it will simply automatically “turn off” and ignore your words, and “turn on” at the end of your fiery speech.

7. Remember that when a person takes you and your care for granted (the sun is shining, the TV is on, you are cooking dinner, washing, cleaning, etc.), you will awaken in him the same feeling that he feels for his mother, but not to the woman he loves.

8. And most importantly: from time to time behave in such a way that your man has a desire to take care of you.

Women don't know how to love. Twist as you wish, but this is the real truth.

Strongly said, right?

That's how I wanted to call this note, but regretted Runet. He, sickly, has not yet departed from the past, which was called "Men hate weak women» (link to it at the very end of the post). Having shown compassion, I lowered the intensity of provocativeness, and the heading of the note is different.

Why did I want to call the note "Women Can't Love"? Strictly speaking, because it is. Women really don’t know how to love (here, of course, we must immediately make a reservation - the situation is exactly the same with men, they don’t know how to love).

Here's the thing: to love is to be equal. And women (and men) on an equal footing know how to be bad. Women usually fall into position MILFs(orders, teaches and controls) or daughters(begging, helpless, controlling, but in a different way).

Men have their own set - Daddy(orders, teaches and controls) and Sonny(begging, helpless, controlling, but in a different way).

Instead of love, people (let's put everyone in one category already) act out etudes based on rigid scenario frameworks. For example, she, like Mommy, demands that he come home no later than ten, and he, like Sonny, cries to his friends about a bitter fate.

And both are unaware that an adult man himself decides when to come home, and this decision depends on many factors. And, for example, if the wife is at home with two small children, then it is reasonable to come in general at six in the evening. And if she is alone and there are no children, but there is a girlfriend with whom they drink coffee in the kitchen, then you can linger.

And so it is with everything. Role-playing relationships for marriage are simply disastrous.

Hence, many women have a question - “How to stop being Mommy to him?”

Well, I have something to answer. I warn you - the answer will be concise. Only the most important and extremely brief.

So, short guide "How to Stop Being a Mommy to Your Husband".

1. Admire. A parent praises his child because the child needs approval. But the couple needs not praise, but admiration. Praise is always an assessment, and the one who is higher can evaluate. Admiration is an equal position. So instead of "You're a great driver," say "I love watching you drive." Instead of "you're doing well with me", say "how lucky I am with you."

2. Give thanks. The parent is obliged to take care of the child, the child is obliged to obey the parent - these are rigid role stereotypes. A man initially, by default, doesn’t owe you anything – and you don’t owe him anything either. And if so, any of his actions is voluntary. Did he wash the dishes? Thank you. Babysitting the kids, giving you the chance to meet your girlfriends? Thank you. More gratitude - that's the whole secret.

3. Consult. The parent is not required to consult the child. It is necessary for the parent - he will raise the child at six in the morning. It is necessary - you will be lucky to your grandmother. This is normal for parent and child. Not so with adults. If an adult's action has any effect on another adult, advice should be sought. What if there is a better solution?

4. Don't do it for him. The parent does a lot for the child, because the child does not know how much and will not learn soon. For example, not every five-year-old kid can iron his shirt. A thirty-year-old man - maybe. So don't do for him what he can do for himself. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is now on their own and there is no help to each other. This means that you do not have to take everything on yourself.

Again, this is a summary. But - a summary of working approaches. So if you're tired of being a mommy own husband- I recommend to use.

well and attentive men, I hope you understand that everything is the same in the other direction - admire your woman, thank her, consult with her and so on.

And I have everything. Thank you for your attention.

By the way, in order to better understand the features of male psychology,.

Do you have any questions? Most likely, you will find the answers - in The entry was posted by the author in the rubric tagged , .

How to Stop Being a Mom: 45 comments

Anya
Surprisingly, there are no comments on this article. And I wonder how to stop being a daughter?
Thank you 🙂
inna
Maybe there are no comments because it's too obvious :-* . and then many like to feel in a relationship as in childhood, loved and protected. And they are not ready to give up this pleasure. Some such perversion of relations. And even if you say that this is wrong, that it should be done differently, little will change♠
Natalia
I really liked it about admiration instead of praise - the difference seems to be clear, but it’s parental praise that automatically pops up ...
but I recently discovered that I often replace support with protection - instead of “I sympathize with such garbage” (on an equal footing), I say and do “oh, they are scoundrels, how dare they offend!” (clearly parent).
Tatiana
I like the first point about the difference between admiration and praise. When I read or hear that a man should be praised (and some directly demand it), I always fall into a stupor, because he is not a child! How can you praise him? And admiration somehow puts accents differently. And I myself would not want to be praised - but you can admire 🙂
Maria
and when you start to teach how to do things in a relationship, well, not just to teach, but to say that I would like you to stop being like that, or if a man is harmful (just like a child), that is, by his actions he forces (begs) such relation. (like a child) how to behave here, and sometimes I want to be taken care of in the same way and it starts - everyone drags the blanket over himself, and initially the relationship was equal
Natally
I have a question. How to deal with a husband who, in general, is not a slacker, but does not strive for more. I have disappointed expectations. When we got married, it seemed to me that we think the same way, we will grow up and all that, I was ready to help and support until my last breath. And she did it. I understood everything, I was still young to demand something from him, together we will achieve, we will earn. But over time, she became disillusioned with him. So it remained at the same level. I “ran ahead”, the position is not the smallest (although I am from a very simple family), the salary is not big, but not the worst for a woman, a little more than that of her husband. But we still don't have enough. I hold on to this job, now it’s very difficult for me and I’ve begun to travel far from home (we were transferred territorially unexpectedly). If my husband earned more, I wouldn’t hold onto this job like that, because the priority for a woman is still a family, and I might find less pay, but close to home, and I come home at 10-11 at night tired, twitchy, every day for 2 hours back and forth through traffic jams by car. No strength. And the husband silently observes all this. I didn't even think of making my life easier. I offered to move - to none. How is he going to drive. How do I drive for so long? It's a shame, I start to cry, a scandal. He says quit. But we don’t go anywhere anyway, we don’t go, we can’t afford anything, and it’s a pity for our son. It's a shame as a mother that we can't give better, only necessary minimum. And if I quit, lose my status, salary, and generally go into complete poverty. We don't live, we exist. And everything suits him. How to be?
Natally
Pavel, thank you very much for your reply.
Yes, we have already discussed it several times, and without tears and reproaches, or rather, I tried to discuss it, but as if he did not want to hear me, he was simply silent. If he answers, then not in essence, but clinging to words, transferring the conversation to another topic. In general, he does not like talking about life. For him, it's just hard labor.
It is important for me that our family goes at least once a year to the sea, well, or mountains, but you never know, you can think of it, but always financial question. I always wanted to show my son the world .. Yes, and I wanted several children, not just one, but my husband’s amorphousness does not allow him to go to the doctors, check his health, find out the reason why it doesn’t work, but I already went around. Or stupidly does not want children, but is not recognized. When everyone asks us about the second one, he keeps silent, but he doesn't seem to mind. And the years go by .. But if you do not touch on serious life issues, then he is just the soul of the company.
He does not like to plan anything, so it is useless to talk. It was two years in a row that we went to Sochi, but this is because I managed to get more or less a considerable amount of money at once at work. The first time together, the second already three together with the son. Of course, everyone liked it, but it didn’t cause any aspirations in my husband, we continue to go with the flow. And I want to dress decently, and not wear it out for several years. It's a shame somehow to me ... Not quite the way I wanted. stone wall Do not feel
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Natalie, how can I help? 🙂
2. Anonymous
  Natalie, did you find answers to your questions?
tiles
He doesn’t owe his wife (maybe if there is no contract), but he owes his children. Babysitting children? - Fulfilled his parental duty! and the wife, of course, is cultured - she will thank her, and he will thank her for what she does with children ???
barbarian
Thank you for the article!
I have been reading you for a long time, I do not quite agree with your ideas ...
This topic intrigues me. Please write about men more often - after all, psychology is mostly read by women ... Thank you in advance! 🙂
Lana
I agree with everything. But why are the men silent? Do they agree with this or not?
Tatiana
It has been like this in my family for two years now: I am a mother, my husband is a son. And I want to be small too! And the situation with Natally and I is very similar (only we don’t have children yet). And we can’t consult, because no matter what I tell him, he will still do it in his own way (“listen to a woman and do the opposite”). For the sake of interest and the salvation of the family, I will use your advice. I'll try to behave differently. Hope everything works out! 🙂

P.S. If possible, I will write off how success!
Tatiana
Hello! 🙂
I took your advice, and without saying anything about it to my husband, I began to act!
15 days have passed... The term is very short, but there are already great successes: I began to be less nervous and devote more time to myself! And my husband seems to be doing much better!
Thank you, Pavel, for the simplest advice that helps a lot in Everyday life! I watch videos with your participation and get good life lessons! Good luck in all your affairs, health, Have a good mood and as much as possible to say for us, beautiful ladies! 🙂

P.S. I could not find books written by you (if any) on the Internet. I would love to read something! 😉
Tatiana
I beg your pardon, apparently, I am such a “specialist” when working with the Internet! 🙂
A kickback on his part?
Is it worth it to offer to read to her husband “Kill the infantile in yourself. How
grow up in three months?
He and I are the same age (we are both 22 years old), he is an Aries, I am a Taurus. I'm afraid that my offer to read the book will offend him. After all, he is an adult and independent, since he decided to marry at the age of 20!
Tatiana
Hello again!
I started reading your book "Secrets of Relationships ...". And now I'm at a dead end: I don't know how to proceed! He doesn't follow the rules of love! And will not understand and will not accept them! I've been struggling with this for TWO YEARS already (because I want sincere real feelings from a person) ... I'm confused ... I need help ... SOS! HELPME! :,(

Paradox. I myself bright representative“Mommies”, Out of inexperience, she wrapped her boar in care, counting on admiring compliments addressed to her. I wanted to become the best for him, the most. And about appearance I didn’t forget ... in general, she was an ideal wife (this is when I was 19-20 years old). And once I caught my goat with some unknown origin, a female creature, weighing (so offhand) 200 kg. It was a blow for me, a month licked in bed, tears, fever, complete loss of reality… almost died. When returned common sense, I decided to redouble my efforts (a stupid idea, of course, but then it seemed right) and I began to rush with him even more ... And he began to walk where he whips, then I decided to become an understanding wife for him. And then he told me that once he argued with a friend who would put more women in bed in one evening ... I blamed myself for everything, depression, scandals, reproaches against him saying “ungrateful bastard!”. But what's the point ... And now I have become a hostage to my situation. My husband still walked day after day, a couple of times he was treated in the KVD, I'm already used to everything. I measured myself with the role of a servant, mother, friend. I never felt like a wife, a beloved woman. The pig, coming home at 5 in the morning, opened the door with his foot, threw things stained with lipstick, sperm, on the floor and in an orderly tone said that everything should be washed and ironed at 9 in the morning, and wake up for work, if you don’t do it by morning, you could beat him. Two sons from him. We live in another city, there is nowhere to go. Yes, I'm used to that attitude. AT this moment I am in a state of depression for many years. Everything human in me has hardened ... love has long passed. He provides me with a roof over his head (for 7 years in a removable) with food, I wash him, feed him ... such a “union”. The other day, the whole shirt came in lipstick, asked to be washed, and for 2 days the sinister thing has been lying in the corner. I tell him, let the one who was dirty wash it, and again he says if it’s not clean by morning, I’ll beat him. I have long spit on these manipulations. If he beats, there will be a reason to send a freak to the police. Lord, where was my head at the time of love? Mothers, grandmothers, aunts kept repeating to her husband all the time that it was impossible not to refuse anything ... a stereotype of primeval times. Dear women, please prepare your babies from the cradle to how a real wife-wife should behave. I, in turn, tell my boys that it is imperative to help their mother, and all of us, whether girls or boys, have equal rights. And at the expense of this goat, I filed for divorce, and I regret that I did not do this earlier.

P.s: sorry for the spelling, I wrote in one breath.

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If I had the wisdom that I have now, but 5 years ago, I would not have lost very, once, my beloved person! She also took such care, fed her (at her own expense, she was afraid to take money from him for food, what if he doesn’t have it today, and if I don’t cook dinner, I’ll also get a reprimand - where is dinner supposedly, or why today without meat?), I even made the bed after him in the morning - well, he doesn’t have time - he’s going to work, and what am I, I’ll have time anyway (although they worked the same way from 8.00 to 18.00), he always has breakfast in bed, he won’t have time to get out of the shower, but tea is already ready! But it's my own fault! Before him, I didn’t live with anyone, I met, but I didn’t live. And here he is! My dream is a military man, lieutenant, he looks after me beautifully! But I don't blame myself. I was stupid then, inexperienced and loved him very much! And when we parted, he complained to my girlfriend about how I got him with my care, with my questions about what you, my beloved, should cook today. Here is confirmation - the road to hell is paved with good deeds! But I don't have a grudge against him! Thanks to him, he was the one for me on whom I trained and gained experience! Now I am building relationships that not every woman will build, but every woman dreams of them! Now I am a queen! But if she stayed with him, she would turn into a kind of filthy housewife, buried in pots, etc. Well, I didn’t have wisdom then, well, I’m not to blame for this! Girls, don't let men ride you! And do not appease them at their first call! Well, no man will appreciate this!
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Stupidity and only stupidity, men are all males and they don’t care, they can love a beautiful wife and may not love living just because there is a type of men with an obligation, but there are few of them, and everyone who writes here is supposedly the mistress of the married, well, you have a question, and your married worker from the factory or a businessman? In my opinion, the girls sleep and accept that he is only busy with material gain, and of course they don’t care how and what they think, and if you are chosen as a wife, then the same fate awaits you and then remember the comments like look at yourself, maybe you’re wrong you look cool to discuss without knowing family life, he directly told you how he adores his wife and hugs his children at night and loves his children and for their sake he earns money and not for you you are a toy and a whim and temporary relaxation in his life and in his hands ... Good luck since God did not give the mind to find and raise a man and make it so that he earns just for your family and correctly wrote one guest of the site ready-made are always good, you are lazy girls and you don’t love yourself because after your wife and tender kisses you sleep with him, in a word you are toys for them. EVERYTHING
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I agree 100%. With our love and care, we ourselves make ourselves worse. My MCH generally claims that things like washing dishes (!!!) after myself, when I, for example, at work, are not a man's business. Just like helping out in the kitchen. Give me a man's job - (is it to hammer a nail, or what?) - and I will do it. But rubbing in the kitchen is not a man's business ... Hmm ...

What happens, we (women and men) work the same way for 8 hours a day, but when a man comes home, he sits down at a computer or TV and patiently waits for the "bell" for dinner? And the wife, who is no less tired than he, fussily prepares this dinner, and then washes the dishes, and at the apogee of all this she hears, "Are you in no mood? I'm tired of your unsmiling face. You are always unhappy. You are always tired."

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I completely agree with the article. The man has now become smaller! We have been living for 2 years. And I will soon slowly begin to turn into a filthy housewife, if I don’t change his attitude towards myself. I completely agree that you need to value and respect yourself, and he will certainly smell and appreciate it. imagine what will happen after the wedding, because we are not married yet, but maybe God takes away)) I believe that I will meet another independent, loving, worthy and beautiful) and I will not be a nurse-nanny for him, he will fulfill my desires.
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A man must be kept in tight rein :)))) but at the same time love - love, love! and then there will be a balance - for example, you iron his shirts, he cooks soup for you, you wash the floor, and - and he gives you flowers :))) or you give him flowers, and he vacuums for joy :) )) only all this happens without persuasion, of course, “you to me, I to you”, but by mutual desire - and it will definitely happen, because one action on your part actually provokes another action on his part :)))
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My husband always looked forward to my arrival when I was in the hospital. At home, a mountain of laundry was waiting for me, a layer of dust with fingerprints of children and dirty floors. I did the washing myself, and a one-time cleaning lady did the cleaning. to mention his high deed, that how much he loves me and so that I don’t strain, he hires a cleaning lady for me, spends money on it. I could do it myself after saving, for example. But he is generous !!!

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My husband is a narcissist!!! I'm lazy, I can't bring myself water! He loves to eat deliciously, so I stand all day at the stove !!! Not only is he rude and insulting, he tries to make me look like an idiot in front of his friends !!! I'm tired of being his mother and scapegoat. I'm going to file for divorce and at the same time I'm afraid to ruin my family. The child should grow up in a full-fledged family.
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I agree completely! After all, we are women, sometimes what we ourselves suffer from, we do it with our own hands !!! It is necessary to put the man in his place correctly and in time! And the most difficult thing is if the beloved mother of her husband has always done everything for him and without return! And they, accustomed to living in all the comforts and without making any effort, behave with their wives in the same way !!!
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I’m reading all this and I understand that I also need to act ... I’ve been taking and taking the child from the kindergarten for 2 years already ... he never went even though he asked ... then I come home with a mountain of dishes and the dog needs to be cured. Initially, he promised that he would take care of the dog himself because he wanted a dog… everything got to him!!! Often I think about divorce and I shield that it will be easier for me
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It is very similar to my situation, in which, alas, I got out of ignorance. I took care, cooked, washed, in general, everything is perfect at home, but over time, all this began to bother, and from the side of my husband reproaches rained down "but before you ...." I will try to somehow get out of a difficult situation.
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Hello! Did you succeed?
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My wife is 6 years older than me. She is like a mother to me. But he keeps it in strictness. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I do cleaning and cooking. I will always tell you everything, I will advise and listen to criticism and I am glad if my wife praises. I love my wife and I am afraid at the same time. And we have been living happily for almost 20 years
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what awaits "mommy" - I felt it all for myself! we parted, there was no sex. I don’t know whether he went to the young one or not, but he still won’t get rid of me in any way, probably he can’t find the one who, out of habit, will decide everything for him!
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Agree with the whole article! But there were such moments, I read and wondered, are there really such lazy people ??? My husband himself gets up for work, warms up breakfast, takes clothes where he left them and goes to work)
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I totally agree! spent the night with my parents, I come home - a mountain of dishes is already waiting for me, and mine lies on the sofa and smiles and says: “First clean up and wash the dishes, and then we will hug!”
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The article is great! But the family is held together thanks to a woman, whether you like it or not, it's true. We just need to be a little wiser and smarter. What to do, such is our female share.
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Yes it's true. A man needs to be educated from the very beginning of a life together. Slowly but surely, the qualities of a caring, independent and hardworking husband should be consolidated in him.
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I completely agree with this article, I came to the same conclusion earlier, only in slightly different words))) So far, all the advice given in the article is working;) Good luck to everyone !!!
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yes. I completely agree. I wanted to change my husband, but I couldn’t. It was already late. He began to bully me if I didn’t do something. And so we divorced.
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You know! That Men are conquerors, earners!!! Therefore, it is necessary with them just like on a hunt! Pretend to be a little sheep, and sometimes try a big bitch!
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And I always do what I want, and in general, when I get tired of taking care of it, I turn on the “girl” and my husband starts doing everything around the house, because he pities me and loves me !!!
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You don't have to be a slave, but a goddess! my husband always “carries me in his arms!” And at the same time, I really like to clean and eat and cook ... for five years now !!!
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It is a pity that this article caught my eye late when I had already packed my suitcase. And in the future I will keep in mind, I understand that I myself am to blame for my actions.
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First of all, you need to love yourself! respect and appreciate!!! Your beloved man will also feel it ... and, believe me, his attitude towards you will be the same ...
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Horrible what's going on! The men are quite brazen! Mine can't do anything at all. Bring water, boil it, bring it... And we haven't got married yet...
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Have you ever wondered how to stay desired and loved on long years?

This secret is known to few. You will be the first to know. Never become your husband's mother!

How is this possible, you ask? I am a wife! This happens more often unconsciously and imperceptibly for us women, and for men too.

So, let's begin. As Alexander Gordon said in the program “Fate to Choose”, one of the reasons why a woman marries is to continue playing “daughter-mother”. This answer is surprising at first, but if you think about it, everything falls into place. After all, the role of mother is familiar to us from childhood, we know well what mothers do:

take care
educate
Support
Give advice
fed
dress up

But the role of a woman, a wife, is unknown to many women. Usually such girls, who are not familiar with the role of a WOMAN, are subconsciously afraid of strong and mature men and find themselves weak and infantile. After all, they are easier to educate, support and control.

Here are the signs of a disease called "Mommy for Husband":

You constantly control, help, remind (“Don’t forget to take the keys”, “Put on a jacket, you will freeze”, etc.)
You think that you cannot count on your husband's earnings and constantly plow yourself; (many women use this word).
A man does not develop, does not work, does not want anything (you take all the initiative and responsibility);
You yourself buy clothes for your husband, a man does not take care of his wardrobe;
A man is not engaged in raising children and does not seem to notice them (he is a child);
You make all decisions and independently find a way out of difficult situations;
You often say I have two (three) children. Meaning children and husband;
You talk like a little one. (Recently, I saw the following scene: A man stumbled with a cart in a store. And his wife says to him: “Slavochka, where are you in such a hurry? Let's buy nuts. What do you want?” And Slavochka is over 60).
Usually a woman knows everything herself, how the family will develop, what plans, what kind of house, when the repair. She is not interested in the opinion and desires of her husband;
And of course, no sex. Husband for you native person and not a partner. They don’t sleep with relatives, and even more so with their mother.

If you notice your mom's behavior, share your comments

A woman who wants to be her husband's mother paralyzes the will of a man, deprives him of independence, makes him dependent . She deprives him of his masculinity and herself of her femininity. And if such a woman-mother does not completely destroy the will of a man, then he will rebel, drink, take a mistress, run away at the first opportunity.

Here is an example. The 7 Days magazine recently published an interview with Irina Mironova, the wife of the famous parodist Mikhail Grushevsky. She writes: “Misha talked about the divorce as if the boy was asking his mother to play in the sandbox.” Be sure to read, and you can easily see what role Irina played in this union.

Here are her words:

“Grushevsky seemed to me a sweet and cheerful weirdo. It was easy with him”;
"He never spoke words of love to me";
“A husband is for me, first of all, a dear person, a relative”;
“I dragged Misha on an interesting vacation, on promising work…»;
“Misha only dreams of comfort. And not to be touched. Neither me nor my daughter";
“I just constantly tried to push Misha to some kind of professional development”; ( usually a man is resisted to the last such guardianship);
“I involved him in my projects. Filmed him in a video, ended up saying: “I don’t want any more, this is boring, leave me alone…”;
« Sex He left our lives two years after we got married. At all!» (marriage lasted 10 years).
See the link at the end of the article.

This behavior, of course, has reasons that go back far into childhood. More on this in future articles. Subscribe to my newsletter so you don't miss it.

And today I will only talk about main reason. This is fear. In childhood, an event occurred, usually the divorce of the parents and the departure of the father from the family. Often the girl perceives this as a betrayal. Therefore, in order not to experience pain, he refuses the role of a WOMAN. Because the first thing a Real Woman does is she agrees with a Man's innate need to Dominate.
It is very difficult for a wounded woman to agree with this. And unconsciously she agrees only to the role of mother, thereby securing her main role. This allows her to maintain control in the relationship so she doesn't have to face her fear and her pain anymore. It seems to such women that they are doing everything possible and impossible for their husband and for the relationship.

But you can't fool nature. A man will definitely need a Woman someday.
Therefore, there is no need to try to change a man, much less complain about him.
You need to develop your feminine qualities and become for a Man a Woman and a Wife.

Here are some tips that will definitely help you:

1. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. You are already a big girl. You are able to cope with your fears and start trusting a man. Or get professional help.

2. Now look at your husband. You have an adult in front of you. And he is able to solve his and your problems.
3. Stop feeling sorry for him and thinking that he will overstrain. A lot of women think this way. And they are even proud of it. That help her husband not overstrain. "Pity feeds on maternal energies." (A. Nekrasov)
4. Do not rush to "rescue" him. Especially in difficult situation, give the man the opportunity to resolve the issue himself. Give him a chance to be a man .

Only next to real woman a Real Man can be born.
And for him, she will forever remain Beloved and Desired.

Tatyana Dzutseva

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In a woman nature is laid maternal instinct. Being a mother is natural for her, having a child is a need and desired goal. But sometimes women make mistakes in choosing the object of their maternal love and extend it not only to children, but also to the husband. How not to be a "mommy" for a man?

Let's start with the fact that the role of "mommy for a grown man" is so common in our society that it is almost has become the norm. The roots of this "tradition" go far into the past, they are in the mentality, this is an ethnopsychological feature of all Slavs.

A certain cult of the woman-Mother can be traced in culture (Motherland-Motherland, Mother-Earth, and so on) and noticed in everyday life. A woman who has become a mother passes into a different status, becomes more respected in society: “She is a mother!”.

Despite the fact that men rule the world, a woman turns out to be the main one in the family, it is she, and not a man, very often Head of family. She makes decisions, keeps family accounts, makes purchases, cooks, washes, cleans, brings up children, including her eldest husband, and even works on a par with him. That's what it is wife is "mommy".

Girls from childhood are taught to be a mother, not a wife, not a lover, not a business woman - a mother! Although a woman does not need to be taught to be a mother! Her instinctive nature will do everything for her when the time comes. Plus, besides, how to be a mother to a girl is clear from the behavior of her mother. She sees and absorbs everything like a sponge!

But few people know how to be a good wife. This is not taught anywhere.

A woman raised by a "mommy" also becomes a "mommy". Even when she does not yet have her own children, she seeks to realize her unspent tenderness and care in communication with friends, sisters / brothers, other people's children, elderly relatives, pets, and so on.

A lot of men they are looking for "mommies" because they are afraid adult life without a "caring rear" and are often helpless in everyday life. And their mothers only approve of such daughters-in-law. When the mother-in-law evaluates the future daughter-in-law, she is not too interested in how smart, talented and successful she is, she is mostly interested in how ready she is to be a mother ... for her son!

The mother-in-law seems to be passing her boy (who has not been a boy for a long time) into the hands of a new “mommy”, so she is interested in such questions as: “Will she take care of my son?”, “Will she be hungry?”, “Does she know how to iron shirts? and so on. These are all questions for a woman as a mother small child, and not as to the wife of an adult man.

What's wrong with the role of "mommy"

The role of "mommy" includes:

overprotection,
constant control,
performing actions for a person, excessive assistance,
moralizing (the same “She saws and saws me!”),
education and re-education,
unnecessary advice and recommendations,
decision making for men
transferring all responsibility for the family to oneself,
taking on all household responsibilities.

Parent (wife)- controlling and domineering child (husband)- Infantile, lazy and irresponsible.

Can a Child be the spouse of a Parent? Make love to your mom?! It's taboo! That is why the most a big problem relationship "Mommy-Son" lack of sex.

Of course, there are couples who quite harmoniously live together for many years and without sex. But there are cases when the man is walking look for a mistress on the side. At home, after all, he has a woman who cannot be lusted for, although she is loved (and sometimes no longer loved)!

Second problem. Man next to mom does not feel courageous. He does not have the opportunity to be decisive, responsible, strong, active, hardworking, his wife does not give him a chance to do something himself, to prove himself. He gets used to it and is no longer going to look for himself, develop, realize himself. What for? His wife provides him with a heavenly life without that!

The “mummy” wife, with hypertrophied maternal love, does a disservice to her husband, herself, and her family.

How to become and how not to be a "mommy" for a man

Of course, "mommies" for an adult man do not become instantly.

Potential "mom" at first, while still a bride, gladly does everything for her beloved that not only a wife, but also a mother should do. At first, this cute game called "mutual courtship" is very popular with both the man and the woman (especially if they do not have a child yet). Then the man gets used to it and begins to accept the comprehensive care of the girl as due, and she, no longer hearing praise and compliments, decides: "I will take even more care and patronize him in order to earn his love!".

Here is the error! After the implementation of this decision, caring as a natural manifestation of love turns into overprotection, and a sweet and cheerful life partner into a moralizing and controlling "mommy".

Soon, the burden of "mommy" becomes unbearable. adult and strong man“sits on her neck”, she has to do everything herself, and he sits and does not even think about behaving like an adult: “Why do something? After all, she does everything herself! I'm sure it's not hard for her!"

Unfortunately, according to statistics, such unions are unhappy and often end in a break / divorce. At the same time, the “mommy” woman herself suffers the most, and without even realizing that she herself provoked the problem: “I do everything for him! I try so hard! And he's ungrateful!"

In order not to be a "mommy" you need:

Don't forget about yourself. Part of the time, care and unspent love should be directed to itself.
Refuse to install"A person's love can only be earned by taking care of and caring for him." This is not true. Love has many facets. And you don't have to deserve it. She either exists or she doesn't.
Do not forget that the man is already an adult. He must be able to take care of himself in everyday life. Pour yourself tea, wash your plate, set an alarm clock, clean your shoes, and so on, every person, regardless of gender, should be able to.
Share household chores. Especially if both partners work. If a woman is a housewife, it's still a part of a purely masculine homework must be performed by a man. A man likes to help a woman when he sees her weakness, not strength.
Leave behind a man the opportunity to be stronger and more responsible. No need to make a decision for two and alone. Say phrases like: “I’ll sort everything out myself!”, “I understand this better!”, “Listen to me!” also not worth it, these are the words of my mother. Adults consult with each other and make decisions together.
Do not limit the freedom and independence of a man. Refuse total control, surveillance and "punishment". For a man, this is a signal “She does not trust me! Doesn't think I'm a man!" Men greatly appreciate a woman's confidence in their masculinity and faith in them. They need support, but not accompaniment, advice, but not instruction, attention, but not persecution.
Don't "dive" into a man. He is not a king and not a God, he does not need a slave or a nanny. He is an equal partner, a beloved man, a husband who wants to see a Woman next to him who knows how to be not only caring, but also passionate, smart, cheerful, interesting as a person who has her own interests and characteristics.
Track your behavior. Was it a "mommy" or "wife" act? You can't do without self-control. It is important to act from the position of an Adult, addressing a man as another Adult, and not as a child.

Not at all to give a man maternal love, which, to some extent, is always present in marital love (and men are also partly "daddies" for wives) - wrong! But you need, as always and everywhere, to know when to stop. There is big difference between care and overprotection. It's important not to overdo it!

If a woman suspects herself as a "mommy" or has already discovered it, all the same tips that were described above will help her. The only thing is, you have to make another one first. important step- recognize yourself as "mommy."

Recognize the problem, look at yourself from the outside, evaluate the behavior as unacceptable and in need of correction, set yourself the goal of becoming a wife, and not a “mother” for her husband. After that, you can proceed to active actions.

How much are you "mommy" for your man?

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How to Stop Being a Mom: 45 comments

What's wrong with the role of "mommy"

How to become and how not to be a "mommy" for a man