How not to be a mommy for a man. What is the danger of the "mother complex" in the relationship between husband and wife? A woman must be a woman

17.04.2019

Home Improvement Committee is a woman who lives with a man. After all, as soon as a woman falls in love, she feels responsible to make a man's life calmer and easier. When trying to express her love, she shows care and concern for him, which are often excessive.And they bring not benefit, but disappointment, because love-care is needed by a woman, not a man. A man is not a fragile flower that needs to be constantly monitored, warmed, looked after and watered, he will grow CAM, just let him, give him love-trust, do not make him little boy and he will be happy and grateful to you!

With the best of intentions, women often unknowingly begin to play the role of mother for their beloved man. Remember, have you ever said such phrases to a man?

"Honey, have you forgotten your wallet?"
"Don't forget to stop by the store on your way back."
"Do you remember having to pay the bills?"
“Did you forget to reserve your seats? Don't worry, I'll call myself. "
“How many times do I have to tell you not to leave wet towels On the floor?"
"Won't you freeze in this light jacket?"

This behavior is the most common and destructive in our relationships with men. Women treat men like children; feel that they cannot take care of themselves; behave as if they themselves do not know how to do anything and need constant control and guidance ... It is very important for every woman to remember:

When you treat a man like a little boy, he begins to act like a little boy. If you assume that a man is incapable of independent action, he will be so.

How women-mothers behave with their men:

1. Constantly help men and do for them those things that they should do themselves. They look for keys for him, clean up after him, straighten his tie, comb his hair, pick up clothes for him in the morning and put them on the bed.

2. Assuming that men are forgetful, they constantly remind them of what they must remember themselves.
"Remember to call me when you get there."
"Don't forget to take your daughter to a dance lesson."
"Don't forget to take out the trash."
"Don't forget to see your doctor after work."

3. Grumble at them as if they were children.
“Where are you going without a jacket? Don't you know how cold it is outside? "
“How long can I tell you to turn off the light before you go to bed? Our electricity bill is already very high. "
“Did you eat a whole pizza while watching the match? No wonder your stomach hurts. "

4. Take responsibility for what they think they cannot do well.
"If I instruct him to book a table at a restaurant, he will either mix up the time or forget to reserve a good table, so I do it myself."
“The last time I sent him with the children to the store, it was just awful - they bought things that cannot be worn to school. Now I go shopping myself. Enough for me". “I asked him to find a cozy hotel for us a few months ago, but it flew out of his head. Now there are three weeks left before our trip, and I have to cut off my phones to reserve a place in any hotel. "

5. Correct and guide them.
"No, darling, this film is not 1980, but 1991."
"The way you used this word in the sentence is incorrect, dear."
“I think that if we go down 41st Street, we won't get stuck in traffic. But in general, if I were you, I would stick to the left lane "...

Why do women treat men like a mother, raising them not men, but little boys? ..

Women are prepared for motherhood and praised for maternal behavior... Since childhood, your mother has been your main example. Watching how she looked after you and your brothers and sisters, you learned to educate, give all of yourself to those around you, satisfying their needs. And if your mother played the role of a mother, and not a lover, with your father, then this habit became even stronger in you, as a child you began to believe that this is exactly how women should behave with men. As an adult, you did not hesitate to babysit men as you were taught, believing that this the only way relationship with them.

It is more pleasant for you to receive love-care for yourself, to feel that you are being cared for, you are being helped. This gives you a sense of your worth, you understand that if they are worried about you and offer help, then you are loved, you are dear. So, you decide, it will also be pleasant for a man to receive love-care from you. If I constantly help him, direct his actions, he will see how dear he is to me, how I care about him and love him.

We treat men in this way to become necessary to them. When you try to satisfy all the needs of a man, he becomes more and more dependent on you. The fear of being abandoned dictates this behavior to you. Subconsciously, you think: "If he needs me, he will never leave me."

How maternal attitude to a man can destroy the union? ..

This demeanor will certainly destroy your relationship with a man.

1. Your man will begin to feel irritated, he will rebel against you.
The psychological need of every little boy is to achieve independence from his mother in order to realize himself as a man. Playing the role of a mother with your man, you will inevitably face the fact that he will begin to resist your influence, this will subsequently lead to the fact that he will rebel against you. Rudeness, disregard for your advice, "going" to the TV, computer games, alcohol, to friends - these are the signs of a male rebellion.

2. Your man may get bored of feeling inferior.
If you consistently treat a man as incompetent, he will begin to feel that way. And the more he feels incompetent, the lower his self-esteem will be and the more incompetent he really will become.

When a man is dissatisfied with himself, he begins to love you less.

Men's self-esteem is based on a sense of competence. And if he feels insecure in any area of life, it becomes difficult for him to love not only himself, but also you. Emphasizing his incompetence by treating him like a child means inevitably suppressing his desire to love you.

3. You will kill the passion in your relationship.
The more you act like a mother, the more he will treat you like his mother. But no man wants to sleep with his mother. He just won't be able to represent you in the erotic, romantic light, if you constantly blow dust from his clothes, remind him what he has to do around the house, in general, treat him like your son. Of course, treating a man like a child, and you will cease to feel a craving for him, because it is strength, courage and independence that excites a woman.

What to do?..

You need to stop playing the role of mommy for your man. Here are some suggestions on how to transform yourself from your man's mother to his beloved.

1. Stop doing for a man what he should do himself. For example, don't advise him what to wear unless he asks for your advice. Support him independent choice and praise him.
If your man is used to the fact that you do everything for him, you will have to get used to your new role... This can be difficult at first. Perhaps you will run into his irritation when he learns to do for himself what he has not done in years. You may be late for a visit because he will not be able to find his keys. He may leave home with a badly tied tie. When such things are repeated several times, he will learn to put his keys in place; he will remember how many times he was told that his tie was not tied well, and he will learn to check it in front of the mirror himself. In other words, he will grow up and learn to take care of himself.
I hope you will not treat your husbands with less love, care and attention. You just have to be more of a wife and friend, and less of a mother.

2. Treat a man like a competent person you can rely on.
Don't remind him of what he has to remember himself. Do not replace his memory and calendar. Treat him like a responsible adult. When you stop patronizing him, he may start to miss appointments, forget to pay bills, turn off the headlights. In this case, do not grumble at him, but just sympathize and do your thing. After enough missed appointments and forgotten tasks, your man will learn to rely more on himself.

3. Do not speak to your man in the language of your mother.
This means: don't grumble. Talk to him like an adult, not like an angry mother with her guilty young son ... Sometimes “ children's language"Is a completely justified form of communication, a way to reveal the most intimate thoughts to each other. However, if you and your partner speak "baby talk" most of the time, there will be problems. Establish adult relationships.

4. Decide what responsibilities you put on a man, and don't give up, even if he makes mistakes.
This means letting go of the situation, believing that everything will be fine in the end, even if things don't go the way you would like.
For example, your husband says that he will book a table in a restaurant, but he calls there too late and all the tables are already taken. He calls you at six and tells you that nothing has worked out for him. Tell him: “Well then. I'll be ready by eight o'clock. I'm sure you will find a place where we can dine. " He will be grateful to you that you did not scold him, and he will definitely do everything possible to show his love and care towards you.

Resist the temptation to help a man. Let him make his own mistakes and face their consequences. Take him as he is, this is the only way to grow a man out of him ...

Paradox. I myself bright representative"Mommy", She herself, out of inexperience, wrapped her boar with care, counting on admiring compliments addressed to her. I wanted to become for him the best, the most. And after all about appearance I didn’t forget ... in general, I was an ideal wife (this is in my 19-20 years). And once I caught my goat with some unknown origin, a female creature, weighing (so to the point) 200 kg. It was a blow for me, a month spilled in bed, tears, fever, complete loss of reality ... almost died. When I returned common sense, I decided to redouble my efforts (of course a stupid idea, but then it was correct) and I began to rush with him even more ... And he began to walk where he whipped, then I decided to become an understanding wife for him. And then he told me that once he argued with a friend who would put more women in bed in one evening ... I blamed myself in everything, depression, scandals, reproaches against him, they say, "ungrateful bastard!" And the point is ... And now I became a hostage to my situation. My husband still went for a walk day after day, a couple of times he was treated in KVD, I'm already used to everything. I faced the role of a servant, mommy, friend. I did not feel like a wife, a beloved woman. When a pig came home at 5 in the morning, he opened the door with his feet, threw things soiled with lipstick, sperm, on the floor and in an orderly tone he said that at 9 in the morning everything was washed and stroked, and wake up to work, if you don’t do it, he could beat me up in the morning. Two sons from him. We live in another city, nowhere to go. Yes, and got used to such an attitude. V this moment I am in a state of many years of depression. Everything human in me hardened ... love is long gone. He provides me with a roof over my head (7 years in a removable) food, I wash him, feed him ... this is such a "union." I tell him, let the one that got dirty, and he again says if it is not clean by morning, I will beat him. I have been drinking for these manipulations for a long time. If he pounds, there will be a reason for the police to raise a freak. Lord, where was my head when I fell in love? Mothers, grandmothers, aunts all the time kept repeating to her husband nothing can be denied ... the stereotype of dense times. Dear women, please prepare your babies from the cradle for how a real girl-wife should behave. I, in turn, reiterate to my boys that it is imperative to help mom, and we all, whether girls or boys, have equal rights. And on account of this goat, I filed for divorce, and I regret that I did not do this earlier.

P.s: sorry for the spelling, wrote in one breath.

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If I had the wisdom that I have now, yes 5 years ago - I would not have lost a very, once, my beloved person! She also cared like that, fed (at her own expense, I was afraid to take money from him for food, what if he didn’t have it today, and if I don’t cook dinner, I’ll also get a reprimand - where is the supper, or what is it without meat today?), I even cleaned the bed for him in the morning - well, he has no time - he is going to work, but I’ll be in time anyway (although they worked the same way from 8.00 to 18.00), he always had breakfast in bed, he won’t have time to get out of the shower, and tea was already ready! But I myself am to blame! Before him, I did not live with anyone, met, but did not live. And here he is! My dream is a military man, a lieutenant, looks after nicely! But I don’t blame myself. I was stupid then, inexperienced and loved him very much! And when we parted, he complained to my girlfriend about how I got him with my care, my questions about what to cook for you, my beloved, today. Here is the confirmation - the road is laid out to hell with good deeds! But I have no grudge against him! Thanks to him, he was the one for me on whom I trained and gained experience! Now I am building relationships such that not every woman can build, but everyone dreams of them! I'm the queen now! But she would stay with him - she would turn into a kind of filthy housewife, buried in pots, etc. Well, I didn’t have wisdom then, well, I’m not to blame for that! Girls, don't let the men ride on you! And do not please them at their first call! Well, no man will appreciate it!
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Stupidity and only stupidity, men are all males and they do not care, they can love a beautiful wife and may not love living only because there is a type of men with an obligation, but there are few of them, and everyone who writes here like the mistress of married people, well, you have a question, but your married worker from the factory or a businessman? My opinion is that the girls are asleep and accept that he is engaged only in material gain and of course they do not care how and what they think, and if you are chosen as a wife, then the same fate awaits you and then remember the stones, like look at yourself, maybe you are not so you look cool to discuss without knowing family life, he told you straight and said how he adores his wife and hugs his children at night and earns for them, and not for your sake, you are a toy and a whim and temporary dislocation in his life and in his hands ... and make it so that he earned just for your family and correctly wrote one guest of the site ready-made are always good, you are lazy girls and do not love yourself because after your wife and tender kisses you sleep with him, in a word, you are toys for them.
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I agree 100%. With our love and care, we ourselves make ourselves worse. My MCH generally asserts that things, such as washing after myself (!!!) the dishes, when I, for example, at work, are not a man's business. As well as helping in the kitchen. Give me a man's work - (is it to hammer in a nail, or what?) - and I will do it. But rubbing in the kitchen is not a man's business ... Hmm ...

It turns out that we (women and men) work the same for 8 hours a day, but when a man comes home, he sits down at a computer or TV and patiently waits for a "bell" for dinner? And his wife, who is no less tired than him, bustlingly prepares this dinner, and then washes the dishes, and at the apogee of all this hears, "Are you in no mood? I'm tired of your unsmiling face. You are always unhappy. You are always tired."

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I completely agree with the article. The man has shrunk now! We have been living for 2 years, and I will slowly begin to turn into a filthy housewife, if I don’t change his attitude towards myself. I completely agree that one should be appreciated and respected, and he will certainly smell and appreciate it. imagine what will happen after the wedding, because we are not married yet, or maybe God takes away)) I believe that I will still meet an independent, loving, worthy and beautiful) and I will not be a nurse-nurse for him, he will fulfill my desires.
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A man should be kept tight in hand :)))) but at the same time love - love - love! and then there will be a balance - you, for example, iron his shirts, he prepares soup for you, you wash the floor, and - and he gives you flowers :))) or you give him flowers, and he vacuums for joy :) )) only all this happens without persuasion, of course, "you-me, I-you", but by mutual desire - and it will definitely be, because one action on your part actually provokes another action on his part :)))
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My husband always, when I was in the hospital, was looking forward to my arrival. At home I was waiting for a mountain of washing, a layer of dust with fingerprints and dirty floors. I did the laundry myself, and a one-time cleaning lady did the cleaning. But he did not forget at the opportunity to mention his high deed, that how he loves me and that I would not strain, he hires a cleaner for me, spends money on it. I could do it myself after saving, for example. But he is generous !!!

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My husband is a narcissistic egoist !!! Lazy, he can't bring himself water! He loves to eat deliciously, so I stand all day at the stove !!! Moreover, he is rude and insulting, he tries to make me look like an idiot in front of his friends !!! I'm tired of being his mom and the scapegoat. I'm going to file for divorce and at the same time I'm afraid of ruining my family. The child must grow up in a full-fledged family.
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I agree completely! After all, we are women, sometimes from which we ourselves suffer, we do it with our own hands !!! It is necessary to put the man in his place correctly and on time! And the most difficult thing is if the beloved mother of her husband always did everything for him without giving back! And they, having got used to live in all udrbstva and without putting any effort into it, behave with their wives in the same way !!!
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I read it all for two and understand that I also need to act ... I take it myself and take the child from the kindergarten for 2 years already ... he never went even though he asked ... then I come home a mountain of dishes and the dog needs to be wiped out. Initially, he promised that he himself would be engaged in a dog because he wanted a dog ... got it all !!! I often think about divorce and shield that it will be easier
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It is very similar to my situation, which, alas, I got into out of ignorance. She took care of, cooked, washed, in general everything is perfect at home, but over time all this began to bore, and reproaches from the husband rained down "but before you ...." I will try to somehow get out of the predicament.
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Hello! Did you succeed?
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My wife is 6 years older than me. She's like a mommy to me. But he is strict, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I do the cleaning and cook. I will always tell you everything, I will consult and listen to criticism and I am glad if my wife praises my wife. I loved my wife and I am afraid at the same time. And we have been living happily for almost 20 years.
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what awaits "mommy" is all I felt on myself! We parted, there was no sex. Don't know whether you went to a young woman or not, but he still won't get rid of me in any way, probably can't find the one who habitually decides everything for him!
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I agree with the whole article! But there were such moments, I read and wondered, are there really such lazy people ??? My husband himself gets up to work, heats up breakfast, takes clothes where he left them and goes to work)
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I totally agree! I spent the night with my parents, I come home - a mountain of dishes is already waiting for me, and mine lies on the couch and smiles and says: "First, clean up and wash the dishes, and then we will hug!"
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The article is great! But the family is supported by the woman, whether you want it or not, it is. Only we need to be a little wiser and more cunning. What can we do so our female share.
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Yes it's true. A man needs to be brought up from the very beginning of life together, slowly but surely to reinforce in him the qualities of a caring, independent and hardworking husband.
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I completely agree with this article, I came to the same conclusion earlier, only in slightly different words))) So far, all the advice given in the article is valid;) Good luck to everyone !!!
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Yes. I totally agree. I wanted to remake my husband but could not. It was too late. He started to beat me up if I didn’t do something. And so we divorced. The educated daughter herself.
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You know! That Men are conquerors, earners !!! Therefore, you need to use them just like hunting! Pretend to be a little lamb, and sometimes be a big bitch!
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And I always do as I want, and in general, when I get tired of caring, I turn on the "girl" and my husband starts to do everything around the house, because he feels sorry for me and loves me !!!
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one should not be a slave, but a goddess! my husband always "carries me in his arms!" And at the same time, I really like cleaning and cooking ... for five years now !!!
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It is a pity that this article caught my eye late, when I had already packed my suitcase. And in the future I will keep in mind, I understand that I myself am to blame for my actions.
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first of all, you need to love yourself !!! respect and appreciate !!! Your beloved man will feel this too ... and, believe me, his attitude towards you will be the same ...
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The horror of what is happening! The men are completely insolent! Mine can't do anything like that. Bring water, boil it, bring it ... And we haven't gotten married yet ...
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Hello dear ladies! Quite often I come across the problem of female self-identification in relationships. Girls dress up as a mother and run around with a man like a child. There is nothing useful and correct in this for a strong and healthy family... That is why today I would like to talk about how to stop being a mom in a relationship.

A woman must be a woman

In the article "" I examined various models of behavior of a husband and wife in a relationship. And the whole point is that no matter what kind of connection you have, partner, friendship or parental - the young lady should remain a woman. Weak, in need of protection and affection, feminine, sweet and tender.

I will give you an example so that you understand me better. One client of mine is a director enough large firm... At work, she is an iron lady, a boss, she speaks harshly and clearly, does not shade and does not lisp with her subordinates. But as soon as she crosses the threshold of the house, she becomes tender and affectionate, weak girl that needs male attention... She never allows herself to raise her voice to her husband or command him something in an orderly tone. She tries to be a wife for him, not a boss.

It is very important to be able to remove that social role that you do at work, with your parents, with your children, with your friends. For a husband, you should always be a gentle and fragile creature, for which you need gentle care... This does not mean that you should be capricious like a little princess. You don't have to think that everything should be the way you want it. No. We will talk about this a little later.

By the word woman, I mean tenderness, attention to your partner, thrill in a relationship, easy compliance, wisdom and patience, affectionate treatment to your faithful and other female tricks.

Is it possible to change a man

You can't change a man. And it's not that they are special. Not a single person on the planet can be changed. Even you cannot be changed. The thing is that a person does not change under compulsion, he changes according to on their own... If you learn this once and for all, then it will be much easier for you to relate to people. This is the first moment.

The second point is that you yourself have the power to change the situation. Only you can change your attitude towards people, towards things, towards what is happening. If you don't like the role of mom in marriage, then you just need to not do the things for him that the husband should do himself. Stop patronizing the faithful at every step. He is, after all, a grown man. Until you change your attitude towards your spouse, until you change yourself and your behavior, nothing will happen. You will continue to be the mother.

The main thing is to have respect for each other. I developed this topic in the article "". When you are respectful to your partner, then you may not have the desire to become a mom for him. Because you perfectly understand him and your areas of responsibility. Delineate personal space. Give each other everything you need to be happy in your family life.

Remember that changes in your beloved husband begin when his spouse changes. If you start working on yourself, pay more attention to your problems and your reactions, start with yourself, then you will see how much easier communication with others will become.

How to achieve harmony in the family

In healthy and harmonious families partners should be on an equal footing. This means that the wife should not bring up her husband, she is not his mother. A man should not keep his beloved locked up, she is not a slave.

When the wife long time plays mother with his spouse, then he gradually gets used to it, learns to shift everything onto her, realizes that he does not need to do anything, because the wife is all by herself. In such cases, I am very surprised by the reactions of the young ladies: how can he do that, why does the husband do nothing himself, is he really so dependent. Dear ladies, you first make your men that way, and then you complain about it.

If you have already begun to notice the role of mom in yourself, then rather get rid of it. You can gradually, not immediately. You can sharply and dramatically. As you like best. The main thing is to become gentle and defenseless, so that your loved one becomes a real man next to you.

In the article "" I talked about what mistakes wives most often make, what they lack to build healthy and strong relationship which girls should definitely learn. I think this article will be extremely useful to you.

Share your experience. Maybe you have such a familiar "crazy mother" who is trying to educate each of her men? Or have you yourself ever suffered from similar tactics of behavior? How did you get rid of this? What helped you and what prevented you?
By telling your story, you can help many girls avoid making these kinds of relationship mistakes.

Best wishes to you!

In a woman, nature is laid maternal instinct... It is natural for her to be a mother, to have a child is a need and desired goal... But sometimes women are mistaken in choosing the object of their maternal love and extend it not only to the children, but also to the husband. How not to be a “mommy” for a man?

It should start with the fact that the role of "mommy for a grown man" is so widespread in our society that it is almost became the norm... The roots of this "tradition" go far into the past, they are in the mentality, this is an ethnopsychological feature of all Slavic women.

A certain cult of a woman-Mother can be traced in culture (Motherland-Mother, Mother-Earth, and so on) and noticed in everyday life. A woman who has become a mother passes into a different status, becomes more respected in society: "She is a mother!"

Despite the fact that the world is ruled by men, the woman is in charge of the family, it is she, and not the man, very often Head of family... She makes decisions, keeps family bookkeeping, makes purchases, cooks, washes, cleans, raises children, including her eldest husband, and even works on an equal footing with him. That's what it is wife - "mommy".

From childhood, girls are taught to be just a mother, not a wife, not a lover, not a business woman - a mother! Although a woman does not need to be taught to be a mother! Her instinctive nature will do everything for her when the time comes. Plus, besides, how to be a mother to a girl is clear from her mother's behavior. She sees and absorbs everything like a sponge!

But few know how to be a good wife. This is not taught anywhere.

A woman raised by a "mommy" also becomes a "mommy". Even when she does not yet have children of her own, she strives to realize her unspent tenderness and care in communicating with her friends, sisters / brothers, other people's children, elderly relatives, pets, and so on.

A lot of men they are looking for exactly "mummies" because they are afraid adulthood without "caring rear" and are often helpless in everyday life. And their mothers only approve of such daughters-in-law. When the mother-in-law evaluates the future daughter-in-law, she is not too interested in how smart, talented and successful she is, she is mainly interested in how ready she is to be a mother ... for her son!

The mother-in-law seems to be passing her boy (who is no longer a boy) into the hands of a new "mommy", so she is interested in such questions as: "Will she take care of my son?" shirts? " etc. These are all questions for a woman as a mother little child, and not as the wife of a grown man.

Why is the role of "mommy" bad

The role of "mommy" includes:

overprotective,
constant control,
performing actions for a person, excessive help,
moralizing (the same "She saws and saws me!"),
education and re-education,
unnecessary advice and recommendations,
making decisions for a man,
transferring all responsibility for the family onto oneself,
taking over all household chores.

Parent (wife)- controlling and domineering, and Child (husband)- infantile, lazy and irresponsible.

Can a Child be the parent's spouse? Making love with mom ?! This is taboo! That is why the most a big problem relationship "Mommy-Sonny" lack of sex.

Of course, there are couples who live quite harmoniously together. long years and no sex. But there are often cases when the man is walking look for a mistress on the side. At home, after all, he has a woman who cannot be coveted, although she is loved (and sometimes not loved anymore)!

Second problem. There is a man next to mom doesn't feel masculine. He does not have the opportunity to be decisive, responsible, strong, active, hardworking, his wife does not give him a chance to do something himself, to prove himself. He gets used to this and is no longer going to look for himself, develop, be realized. What for? His wife provides him with a heavenly life already!

The “mommy” wife, with hypertrophied maternal love, does her husband, herself, and her family a disservice.

How to become and how not to be a "mommy" for a man

Of course, for a grown man they do not become "mummies" in an instant.

A potential “mommy” at first, while still a bride, is happy to do for her beloved everything that not only the wife, but also the mother should do. At first, this cute game called "mutual courtship" is very popular with both the man and the woman (especially if they do not have a child yet). Then the man gets used to it and begins to accept the girl's all-encompassing care as due, and she, no longer hearing praise and compliments, decides: "I will take even more care and patronize him in order to earn his love!"

This is where the mistake comes in! After implementing this decision, caring as a natural manifestation of love turns into overprotective, and a sweet and cheerful companion of life into a moralizing and controlling "mommy".

Soon the burden of "mommy" becomes unbearable. Adult and strong man“Sits on her neck”, she has to do everything herself, but he sits and does not even think to behave like an adult: “Why do something? After all, she copes with everything herself! I'm sure it's not hard for her! "

Unfortunately, according to statistics, such unions are unhappy and often end in breakup / divorce. At the same time, the woman “mommy” herself suffers the most, and she doesn’t even realize that she herself provoked the problem: “I’m doing everything for him! I try so hard! And he is ungrateful! "

In order not to be a "mommy" you need:

Don't forget about yourself. Some of the time, care, and unspent love should be devoted to oneself.
Refuse to install"The love of a person can only be earned by taking care of and taking care of him." This is not true. Love has many facets. And you don't need to deserve it a priori. It is either there or it is not.
Do not forget that the man is already an adult... He should be able to take care of himself in everyday life. Every person, regardless of gender, should be able to pour themselves tea, wash a plate after themselves, set an alarm clock, clean shoes, and so on.
Separate household chores... Especially if both partners are working. If a woman is a housewife, it is still a purely masculine part. homework must be performed by a man. A man likes to help a woman when he sees her weakness, not her strength.
Leaving a man the opportunity to be stronger and more responsible... There is no need to make a decision for two and alone. Pronounce phrases like: "I will settle everything myself!", "I understand this better!", "Listen to me!" also not worth it, these are the words of my mother. Adults consult with each other and make decisions together.
Do not restrict the freedom and independence of a man... Give up total control, surveillance and "punishment". For a man, this is a signal “She doesn't trust me! Doesn't consider me a man! " Men greatly value a woman's confidence in their masculinity and faith in them. They need support but not support, advice but not guidance, attention but not persecution.
Don't "dive" into a man... He is not a king or God, he does not need a slave or a nanny. He is an equal partner, a beloved man, a husband who wants to see a woman with him who knows how to be not only caring, but also passionate, intelligent, cheerful, interesting as a person with her own interests and characteristics.
Track your behavior. Was it a "mommy" or "wife" type of act? Self-control is indispensable. It is important to act from an Adult perspective, treating the man as another Adult and not as a child.

Do not give a man at all maternal love, which, to some extent, is always present in conjugal love (and men are also partly "daddies" for wives) - wrong! But you need, as always and everywhere, to know when to stop. There is a big difference between care and overprotection. It's important not to overdo it!

If a woman suspects a "mommy" or has already discovered it, all the same tips that were described above will help her. The only thing is, first you need to do another one important step- recognize yourself as a "mommy".

To admit the problem, to look at oneself from the outside, to evaluate the behavior as unacceptable and in need of correction, to set a goal for oneself to become a wife, and not a “mother” for a husband. After that, you can proceed to action.

How "mommy" are you for your man?

“Have you tied the scarf?”, “Don't forget, you have an interview today at three” - these phrases are addressed by some women not to their schoolchildren, but to quite adult men who sometimes even have a beard with gray hair and a beer belly. But the ladies still treat them as if they were idiots. Meet: before you are the classic "mothers" whose husbands suffer from overprotectiveness... What is the risk for the relationship? And most importantly, how to fix the situation?

One of the varieties of "mommy" is a successful businesswoman, whose husband did not have a chance to become as successful

Who can become a “mommy”?

The syndrome of "mommy" manifests itself in the form of excessive care, and a constant desire to decide everything for the partner, depriving him of his choice, and the desire to control him. Some people try to attribute this to jealousy or "hard character", but in fact there are more reasons for the appearance of "mommy".

A woman adopts this model of behavior from her mother. Psychologists assure: in certain period life we copy the behavior of our parents. And if we grew up in a house that was entirely under my mother's care, then we are unlikely to build our own family otherwise. This will manifest itself in everything - from the choice of a partner to the formation of a way of living together.

A partner turns a woman into a “mommy”. For example, very often a 35-40-year-old man with unsuccessful marriage behind your shoulders. And the "mommy" is yesterday's student, who at first really likes this role. “A man often has a history of maternal trauma, which during his life he carefully tried to compensate for the seduction and conquest of numerous ladies,- says Olga Gumanova, consultant psychologist, publicist and author of women's trainings. - Their position "Mom did not love me in childhood, but now I will prove that women can still love me!" By middle age, the Don Juan, tired of life, thinks that it is time to find stability and arrange life. Therefore, he chooses a naive, romantically inclined girl as his wife, who is most often "lower" not only in age, but also in social status... As a rule, “mothers” from young wives with mature husbands are obtained even more often than women in families of the same age or those where the wife is older take on this role.

The role of “mother for the husband” is imposed on the woman by the mother of her beloved. This scenario is most often possible in those couples where the mother-in-law is used to taking care of the son (perhaps because she raised him alone). She wants to give her overage "jewel" in warm and caring hands. And if the chosen one lets him go outside in September without a scarf and does not give a saucepan with cutlets to work, then she automatically goes into the category of "bad wives", which is fraught with conflicts.

Why is “mommy” dangerous?

It would seem that a caring wife or friend who always feeds, gives water and covers with a blanket is a joy for every man and lucky talisman for any pair. Some psychologists share this view: "Building relationships with men, completely rejecting the role of" mommy "will not work, - notes Olga Gumanova. - Not being a "mommy" at all means not being a source of pleasure and safe place... Do not speak affectionate words, do not feed, do not console ... It turns out a portrait of some cold asexual partner, not a wife. "

However, this position has enough disadvantages. For example, in such couples, the sexual sphere invariably suffers. “The boy’s sexual constellations are formed in the period up to seven years, at the same age there is an attitude that intimate life with his mother is a taboo,- explains psychologist Anna Iotko, author training "Not a day without a gift" training center "City-Class". - Therefore, in relations with the "mommy", this prohibition will apply to subconscious level... Then it all depends on the testosterone level of a particular partner: a man with low level this hormone will somehow adapt. And the one with whom he is normal will start looking for someone on the side. "

The role of "mommy" can destroy intimate life couples

Another complication that may arise later is when the couple will have children. “If, before the birth of the child, a“ mother-son ”relationship was formed in a couple, then the“ common mother ”the husband may begin to be jealous of“ youngest child», - warns Olga Gumanova.

But perhaps main risk such couples - the gradual "maturation" of the husband. "Marriages with" mothers "break up in 90% of cases, - notes Anna Iotko. - And divorce is a matter of time. After all, children, growing up, leave an ordinary mother as well ”.

However, not everything is so sad. Some such unions can be very strong, if, for example, a man really did not receive maternal love in childhood, and a woman really likes to take care of him. “Such a companion is also needed by men with very low testosterone levels, - notes Anna Iotko. "A marriage with such a man, if you are a" one hundred percent mommy ", will be successful."

How to stop being a “mommy” for your husband

If you do not like the role of “husband’s mother”, you need to part with her, focusing on external circumstances. Perhaps the easiest way to end your relationship with the role of "mommy" is if your mother-in-law has imposed it on you. Does she reproach you for not taking care of her son enough? “A couple of times in front of your mother-in-law, ask your husband to tie the same scarf, and the more ridiculous the situation, the better, - Anna Iotko advises. - And then argue "yes, I asked him a hundred times to dress warmer, but he is so stubborn." You can even add to the voice of despair. Let this scene look like a theatrical stage, don't be scary. Then the mother-in-law from the opponent will go to your allies.

With the role of "mom", which you chose yourself or received "as a gift" from your man, the situation is somewhat more complicated. First, you should listen to yourself and track: at what moments do you want to dominate your partner? What emotions does it give you? It is likely that the "mommy" mask is for you a way to assert yourself, and caring is the only one clear way expressions of love. Try to revise this position:

Let him do things on his own, even if he makes mistakes. Be patient: at first, both you and him will not be easy, but soon the situation will change.
Don't get into confrontation. Even if your partner's opinion is contrary to yours, do not rush to argue with him. Olga Gumanova gives a good example: “For example, on Friday my husband agreed to go with friends to a club with billiards, and my wife buys theater tickets for the same evening and throws a tantrum:“ You come with me, you don’t need these slovens! ” There is no need to put him before the choice “me or your friends”, “me or your stupid football”: if a man got married, it does not mean that his wife should now replace everything for him. In a harmonious life there is a place for both friends and a hobby. "
Admire your partner. Do not praise, but admire: "I am so lucky with you!", "I love it when you cook!" But phrases in the spirit of "you are such a fine fellow" will rather lead to the opposite effect, reminding the partner of the praise of the parents.
Consult with him. As a rule, parents and children do not consult, but make decisions for them. Two adults do not do this and are sure to ask each other's opinions on important issues.

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