What to do when pregnant by a married man. A pregnant lover of a married man. An affair with a married man

17.04.2019

Hello! We have been dating a man for 6.5 years, we used to be lovers and everyone was happy with everything in principle. I did not claim him as a husband. I am 24 years old now. He is 40, he and his wife have no children. And in Last year everything has changed, our relationship has become different, the sick is warm, tender, and we often began to talk about children and actually stopped taking protection, and half a year ago I got pregnant, we are both happy about this, but he really doesn’t fully realize it seems to me soon we will have a baby. He fully provides for me, we are going to buy an apartment for the child. And in fact, I understand that I love this person as much as I did not love anyone. And I want to create a full-fledged family with him. We have not yet talked about this with him. I don’t know if it’s worth it? Is there a point? Will he leave his wife for us? Tell me please? To complete the picture, I will say that we see each other almost every day, spend weekends together, go to the cinema, restaurants, walk with the dog, but at night he rarely stays very much.

Psychologists' Answers

Hello Oksana!

You are pregnant and now is the time to talk to your man about your future. If you want to create with him a full-fledged family... then tell him about it and find out what he wants. Perhaps your goals do not coincide, and he needs you as a lover and mother of his child. but not a wife. Such a long-term love triangle suggests that he receives something important for himself with you, and something in his relationship with his wife. but none of you gives him everything he needs. Only by frankly telling each other about your goals and desires, you will be able to decide together what to do next, if you want to do this, of course, it was necessary even before pregnancy.

You yourself should think about why you chose a man much older than yourself and for so many years agreed to be his mistress. without pretending to be the only one. Most likely, this is a projection of your relationship with your father. One gets the impression that next to this man, psychologically, you remain a little girl who receives the love and care that your dad did not give you. Maybe this is what prevents your man from accepting final decision about creating a family with you.

If you need help, come to individual consultation.

Marina Stolyarova, consultant psychologist, St. Petersburg

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Dear Oksana.

No one can say for sure what will happen, but the future worries us, especially when life prepares such strong changes.

I don't want to either reassure you or upset you, but it is important to understand why you are not ready to raise with your loved one the issue that is so important to you, especially now.

I think it's better to talk eye to eye, look into fearful fears, and define your desires more clearly. Let's meet in consultation mode. you may need several appointments, perhaps one or two will be enough.
Call, contact, I will be glad to talk with you about this and investigate your situation. Calmness is more important to you now than the anxiety and uncertainty of the future.

Oksana, hello.

You're asking:

And I want to create a full-fledged family with him. We have not yet talked about this with him. I don’t know if it’s worth it? Is there a point? Will he leave his wife for us? Tell me please?

Oksana, I suspect that your main fear is that he will not leave his wife and marry you.

Moreover,

but he really is not yet fully aware of it, it seems to me that soon we will have a baby.

What does this mean?

Oksana, you are in that vital point when the time has come to grow up dramatically. You will have to make decisions not only for yourself, but also for your existing child.

A love triangle is formed where and when there is emotional immaturity, codependency of the participants. And each of them.

Oksana, in order to understand whether it makes sense to fight for your future husband (and you will have to do just that if you decide to marry this particular man), honestly answer yourself a few questions. What exactly drives you? How do you really feel about this man? You a big difference aged and he fully provides you. Such relationships are built on the "dad-daughter" type. He gives care and material goods, and the woman pays for them by the absence of any independence. Although such marriages are happy. And, in principle, there is a chance that a man will go to live with a pregnant mistress, especially since he has no children with his wife.

Why did you choose to be his mistress for 6.5 years? And didn't want to become a wife? Why does your 6.5 year old man have a relationship with both his wife and a young girl?

It is also useful to think about how to learn how to provide for yourself and your child. And how to build a relationship if the dad claims the right to the exclusive upbringing of the baby (especially since he is childless in marriage). In general, I urge you not only to succumb to the romance of gentle walks with the dog on weekends, but to think sensibly about how to live if you get married and how to live if you break up and are left alone with your baby.

What I am writing sounds cruel, but now you are responsible not only for yourself and your well-being.

Oksana, in any case, you have an emotionally intense stage of life ahead of you. And not very predictable prospects. You will need, contact, I will be able to emotionally support, and help to figure out what is happening and how to cope with it.

Strength to you, female wisdom and sobriety of decisions. And great luck.

Best regards, your psychologist Irina Rozanova, St. Petersburg

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Pregnancy for a woman is happiness. Especially if the child is desired, and the family in which he appears is full. But there are situations when the news of future happiness throws a couple into a stupor. This is a pregnancy from a lover. How to be here?

Naturally, there are only two ways out - to give birth or have an abortion. The most difficult thing is to make that fateful decision. Here, the beautiful half needs to think carefully. And think based not on your habits and conveniences, but on the conditions or circumstances in which the future child will grow up.

Circumstances created by accident or by the lovers themselves will be as follows:

The lover is free from family ties, and the partner is married.
The woman is married, the man is free.
Both partners have families, but for some reason they do not want to get divorced.
Both are divorced and in an open relationship.

Now let's talk about the couple's aspirations. Having an affair, the couple strives to enjoy the spiritual and sexual relations... Pregnancy is discussed very rarely, and if it is, it is mostly in jest, by the way. After all, people are convinced that such "happiness" will certainly not happen to them. And in vain. It happens that the mistress does not inform the boyfriend of her desire to have a child. When the desire of one half of the couple is fulfilled, the second falls into a stupor and simply disappears.

Also, the mismatch of aspirations can be expressed in the following ways:

The boyfriend does not mind and is even glad, since the wife is not able to give birth. However, against herself future mom- for example, in the plans for a career, but not marriage.
The boyfriend resigns himself to the news, but after birth evaporates.
For a lady, pregnancy is happiness, for a married chosen one - headache, because he already has heirs from legal spouse... Requires an abortion.
Both want to become parents. They even divorce their exes, conclude marriage, but after a while it turns out that people are completely different in spirit.
The couple "outlived" themselves and decided to break love affair, but then it turns out that the lady is in a delicate position.

Of course, we have not listed all the circumstances, but only the most common ones.

Pregnant by her lover? Whatever difficult situation, the female half of the couple needs to make an important decision - give life to a new man or interrupt it immediately. It is good if a woman of a conscious age finds herself in a situation who has long wanted to become a mother, but due to circumstances it did not work out. Then her partner's opinion will hardly be important to her. Often, self-sufficient ladies do not notify their future father at all. They are simply removed from the life of a married boyfriend, believing that the mission is completed. Such ladies want to express their respect, but still present little advice- notify the man, tell him about your situation, the person has the right to know. Why?

First, there are examples when the faithful left their wives and created completely strong families with someone who seemed to be just joy.

Secondly, suddenly he will prove himself as a responsible reliable partner and insist on help (if not education, then financial).

And, thirdly, nobody canceled the paternal instinct. Perhaps it is very important for a man to see, educate and spend time with his blood. Do not deprive it without knowing the truth.

If a young girl becomes pregnant from her lover and does not expect such a turn of events, you should not despair either. Do not rush to run to the doctor, find out the terms and appoint the date of the operation. Contact yourself first to a loved one- to mom, for example, share your story and ask what to do.

Second, you must know that while you are in a state of shock, nothing can be done.

And third - the most important - a girl may doubt during the whole pregnancy whether she did the right thing by leaving the child, but, seeing her child with her own eyes, radically change her mind. Examples where a young mother after childbirth is insanely happy that she did not have an abortion and feels horror at just such a thought, great amount... Let's say more, changes "before and after" occur not only with those who were in an ambiguous situation, changes occur with more than half expectant mothers (even with those who have everything perfect in the family plan).

Also, the financial side of the issue often becomes a stumbling block. Sometimes young girls are embarrassed to contact the baby's father, not knowing how to say that they need help. It is not right. Understand that both of you are responsible for what happened. Therefore, both should take part not only in education, but also in providing for the child. This position must be conveyed to the ears of your loved one and in no case be ashamed of what they think of you. If a man still does not understand that conception is a matter of two and that there are also two to blame, it means that he should be worried about what you and the environment think about.

The child is not from her husband, what to do?

What if you are married and the child is from someone else? We will cover the topic of abortion right away. But how to live and is it realistic to live with her husband, if she got pregnant from her lover - let's talk.

Again, everything is in your hands. You can do the following:

Tell your spouse right away that the child is from another and clear your conscience.
Do not speak and give birth. Everyone will be happy, considering that the baby is from a legal spouse.
Divorce and become a single mother.
Divorce and legalize a relationship with a future father.

Most importantly, be prepared for the fact that one of these actions will drastically change your life. It is equally important - when making a decision, think not about your own benefit, but about the good. little man... And finally, each item has an equal number of pros and cons. Which ones? It is worth considering.

What are the options

Let's take the first point. Clearing your conscience is great, being honest with someone who trusts you is great, but how will your husband take such information? If you are confident in the love and sanity of your chosen one and you know exactly what he will understand, eventually forgive and become a real father for the little one, then choose the first option. But in life everything is not so smooth. Often the spouse files for divorce, because it is very painful to live and know that you have been cheated on and watch a little NOT YOUR creature running around your apartment.

What are the development scenarios in the second paragraph? Perhaps this is the most altruistic option. Since neither the welfare of the child, nor the relationship with her husband and loved ones will be affected. It will only be bad for you. Sometimes it becomes impossible to live with pangs of conscience and an overwhelming sense of guilt. The lady shows unreasonable aggression, conflict and frequent depression. Not only begins to suffer lovely person, but also the whole family. By the way, first of all - a husband who does not know at all what he is to blame and why he became an object for taking out his anger. So, the family breaks up supposedly from scratch. On the other hand, a strong-willed woman will always remember for what, or rather, for whom she is suffering. Strong motivation in the face of the baby will not let her get discouraged and over time the feeling of guilt will subside.

The third point is a single mother. Yes - boldly, yes - life without lies and remorse. But, perhaps, that's the point. And if you love your husband? What if he loves you? And if this case shows how poor and poor morally your lover is and how noble is your spouse? After all, the latter can forgive. Therefore, you need to leave not silently, without explanation, but after talking frankly. And by the way, you can only leave for a while, not forever. When emotions subside, perhaps your spouse will come and ask you to come back. There are also such examples.

AND last option- marriage with a new lover. This rarely happens, but it does happen. If you have mutual love and in family relationships for a long time already complete zero, new marriage- a worthy way out. Here, a delicate situation will not become a problem, but rather a salvation, a kind of sign that this should be so. And then - stop torturing yourself and the unloved, living under the same roof.

How to share this news

How do you say that you are pregnant? Don't worry about whether your loved one will marry you. Do not hope for such a topic, and even more so, do not mention it in conversation. Focus on the main thing - pregnancy. You shouldn't be nervous, but a hint of marriage can provoke inappropriate behavior partner (besides, one message is enough!) and cause a conflict that will lead to worries.

It is the TALK that should take place. Do not send SMS to phone or email. They don't write about such things - they just talk! In addition, if you inform your lover about pregnancy by SMS, his faithful can find out about this, and then the problem will double.

Some other things not to do when you deliver such a message:

Do not blame in any way. Remember, both of you are to blame.
Do not push morally. If there were no promises during the romance, he doesn't owe you anything. Accept the fact. And if he is so weak of character that, by pushing on him, you will still "squeeze out" a promise to leave the family and organize joint wedding, think three times, what will your life be like? Do you need a forced relationship? With such a soft-bodied creature ... In addition, being weak in character, a man can always fall under the influence ex-wife and change your decisions several times, running from you to her.
Let the man decide. You have already voiced your position, now it is the turn of your beloved. Let him think, suffer, digest, and then give out.

What exactly you need to find out: whether you are ready, what you are ready for, or not ready at all. It's all.

Now let's talk about what to do in preparation for the conversation. The best remedy from stress - correct attitude... Do not go to extremes - hysteria, tears or cold alienation (they say, I don't need anything from you). At the same time, do not indulge yourself with illusions, realize that the message may turn out to be far from pleasant for a loved one. Do not be surprised if this happens, because even statistics say that the percentage of married boyfriends who rejoice in the delicate position of a mistress is scanty. So, instead of asking if your loved one is ready to leave the family, find out if he is ready to be a dad to an illegitimate son? If not, try not to put your lover out the door, but to convince or at least make you think that real men are not afraid of responsibility.

Still - bringing the chosen one to clean water, do not fall into an emotional explanation, it is better to keep a dry formal tone. By keeping yourself in control, you will not only be able to avoid unpleasant scenes, but you will also be able to see or feel what your partner is really experiencing. And the last - a negative result - also a result. If the man is negative, take some time to think. Often, as in the case of girls, paternal feelings wake up after the birth of a baby. If future dad does not make itself felt for a week or two and has not come to announce his decision - do not worry. Either he will return, but later, or he will not return, well, you don’t need one. Think about the main thing.

Hello. I have a banal story, but I don't know what to do.

I am pregnant from married man with whom we have been meeting for about 5 years. I am 38 years old and for a very long time I could not get pregnant. At first, at the beginning of our meetings, the man was against our having a child. Then he himself began to wait when it would be possible to get pregnant. When I got pregnant, we talked about how he would help babysit the baby, we already went to look at the crib and changing tables.

Finally it happened. I am very glad, but then I ran into problems. No one promised me a divorce, and I do not insist. But it is very important for me that the child's dad knows how the pregnancy is going, like a baby. I see what he is caring father for her two daughters. And I so wanted our baby to have the same attitude. Warm. Paternal. Delicate. I thought he was interested. Probably overloaded with this information. Plus, during pregnancy, my character deteriorated, I became very touchy, whiny, vulnerable. I cry constantly, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t answer his SMS. I understand, here I am to blame.

Now I have a term of 25 weeks. 10 days ago we were going to go for an ultrasound scan and look at the baby. I offered to go, our dad said that he would definitely go. We have been waiting for this visit for a week.

But when he came to take me to the doctor, he said that he would not go for an ultrasound scan, he would just take me to the hospital, as he had to leave the next day with his wife to rest in Abkhazia. I learned about this trip last, on Friday evening, when he had to leave on Saturday morning. He had not spoken about it before, and had not prepared me for such news. Although before he always shared everything with me.

I cried and asked to go with me for an ultrasound scan, because we had been waiting for this for a week. But he said: no, and that he had to go home.

I burst into tears and jumped out of the car. He tried to hold back. Then he called the phone and asked why I did it.

Once again, with tears, I asked him to stay for an ultrasound scan. But again the answer was: no.

Then I said that when he arrived from Abkhazia, he would no longer call us.

In general, he does not call or write. I know he's still there.

We have never parted (in the sense without communication) for such long term... Every day they hung up on the phone, if I could not call, wrote SMS, or, in extreme cases, by e-mail.

I don’t know what to do now. I'm afraid it's my own fault. Although friends and girlfriends scold me for being humiliated. And they say that if a person needs it, then no matter how she drives him, he will still write, at least ask about the health of the baby in the tummy. If he really loves.

I always want to write to him. I love him. But reason says that he calmly took my words into action and decided that it would be better this way (not to communicate). So he doesn't need a baby.

Help, what should I do? Is it really my only fault for what happened? And are my friends right that I don't need to write to him, remind him of myself. And that if he loves, he will definitely return himself.

I am afraid that the more time passes in silence, the further he is from us. And his heart is constantly pounding, and suddenly he is waiting for my letter ...

The most difficult thing in this relationship is to learn to abstract from hatred and misunderstanding. But I love him and I don't care who says what. You can start throwing sneakers at me.

When a girl is a little over twenty, she is full of illusions and hopes of finding her prince and is even ready to dissolve in a mountain of dishes, socks and panties, children, cats and dogs. Over the years, the ghostly dream becomes, on the one hand, more accessible, on the other, it acquires new features.

“We met him at work when I was a little over twenty. He did not hide the fact that he was married and had a child, but at the same time he always told me that they had not slept with his wife for a long time, but lived only by inertia. I got good regular sex and the attention I needed at the time. A little later, love came, and what I had before was not enough for me. We quarreled, made up violently, quarreled again, but in the end nothing changed. He was still not going to get divorced and pay more attention to me, and I began to miss just great sex. After three years of such feelings, I quit my job so that I would never see him again and start life anew.

Friends and relatives insisted that I deserved the best, and not such a dog as him, that I had nothing to hope for and I was wasting precious years of youth. They registered me on dating sites against my will and tried to find " normal guy". I drank sedatives and ignored it all.

weheartit

A month and a half after my next "climbing" on the wall from the piled depression, I realized that I could not live without my lover. I was physically ill, I could not even imagine in my thoughts that some man was undressing me and dragging me to bed. I have not seen my life without a particular man, not my man. I went back to work.

At that moment, the rules of our relationship were clearly laid out, but, of course, everything went wrong. Six months later, I became pregnant. He tactfully hinted that I should see a doctor. I still regret listening to him.

Two years have passed. The people around me continued to marry and give birth to children, and the number 30 flashed more and more distinctly on the horizon. And I decided for myself that it was time to have, if not a family, then at least a child. The choice was limited. I turned with this proposal to my, or rather, not my man. He agreed, having discussed on the shore that he was not going to get divorced, but was ready to take on the financial obligations associated with the baby.

weheartit

No, I am not ashamed in front of his wife and society. If she was good for him, he would not have been with me for so many years. I think she realizes that he has another life. If necessary, I am ready to meet with her and discuss all the points that will interest her. But she will not see me, because she knows: if something happens, she will destroy her own family with her own hands. We know her, by the way. A couple of times he took her to meetings, which I attended. And even then I was not ashamed, as everyone around me had promised. Why should I be ashamed of my own happiness and my feelings? Does this woman have exclusive rights to a man? He's a big boy and is able to make decisions for himself with whom and in whom he should be.

Our baby will be born in a couple of months. In the column "father" I will have a dash. Why do I need extra paperwork? Everything suits me. I am pregnant by my beloved man. Even if not mine. But on the other hand, these are the feelings and relationships that each of us dreams of. "

weheartit

Psychologist Alisa Metelina comments on the situation:

it dependent relationship from which it is very difficult to get out. There may be two reasons why a woman decides to give birth from a married man.

1. This is when a woman still expects to stir up emotions in a man after the birth of a child, thereby pulling him over to her side. Because even if she says that she understands and accepts the rules of the game, she does not fully realize that deep inside every woman lives a desire to be the only, loved and desired, to take the place of her legal wife. Here, the heroine can try to do so in order to bind the man more to herself. Let not become the only one for him, but get a full-fledged family. The child's father will come to her not once a week, but more. This connection is built on common interests and in in this case- the child. Most likely, she is counting on this aspect.

2. There is one more component. But it is much smaller, in my opinion. It happens that a woman accepts the rules of the game. She is ready to be a lover, because she understands that there will be nothing better in her life, the years go by, and the strength to part, get out of neurotic relationships and love triangle no more. And she decides to have a baby. Thus, for her, he becomes a kind of outlet and a way out of this neurosis. This is a woman's attempt to heal from this relationship. But this is a very sad story for a child. Such babies, born by a mother for themselves, do not have any positive experience in a relationship. These are already immediately injured. Plus, more often than not, mothers who give birth for themselves are not going to let these babies go anywhere. They are actually planning to grow old and die with this child. In this situation, a woman develops a brooding syndrome, and breakdowns begin. Such women need the help of a specialist. Because they cannot understand that at the expense of the child they cannot solve their problems. It's terrible when a woman gives up on herself. And the child has to pay for all her actions.

weheartit

Our heroine is not 30. She is still trying to fight for her love, and also feels dependence on this person. And this time she realized that she had run out of all the arguments and techniques to win him over to her side. Having become pregnant, she tries to at least partially take this man for herself. I would advise her to either put the question bluntly, or look for another partner. But since this story has been going on for many years, and the lover stands his ground, I think the first option here will be impossible to implement.

A man who subscribes to this commits huge mistake... Of course, this flatters his vanity, he will be glad to have another child. But I would advise such men to think about their family first. If you are firmly convinced that you are not going to part with legal spouse why do you need to expand your area of responsibility? You have to understand that sooner or later the spouse will find out. If she is a woman who is wise and interested in this relationship, she will just arrange fun life both the mistress and the man. So a man must think many times on cool head before accepting such offers.

Also, do not forget that the words of a woman uttered in an outburst of love can have completely different consequences. Shouldn't be written off postpartum depression... A young mother can completely unexpectedly call her herself or even meet with her legal wife and provide all participants in the triangle with problems that will jeopardize the basic relationship of a man. But in my practice it usually happens like this: the wives stay where they are, and the mistresses change.

weheartit

And to girls who decide to take such a step, I can say one thing for sure: no man can be kept by children. If he says he is not getting divorced because of the children, keep in mind that he is not. Men sometimes leave and stop communicating with children. No matter what they say. I'm not talking about absolutely all men, there is different representatives the stronger sex with different levels of responsibility. But in most cases, this is exactly what happens: their children are no longer needed, communication is reduced to a minimum. But men often take someone else's child from a new woman.

Statistics show that almost every second woman has experienced a similar traumatic experience in her life. Many were in love with married people. If this is a one-time situation, from which you got out with the least losses, made conclusions and decided for yourself that you would never go down this path again, that’s great. It's a wonderful experience. Draw conclusions and continue to live on and build relationships with that man who will belong only to you.

Main photo: weheartit

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