Second child in a new marriage. Second marriage for a woman and a man - features of the relationship

How to manage the relationship between new and old family

One of the most frequent problems- these are children from the first marriage and the relationship of second wives with them and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot share a man and his free time... A significant part of negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the bone of contention. Today we will talk about how all participants in the process to build relationships so that children do not suffer from "adult games", and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.

EVERYONE HAS HIS PLACE

Kirill, 32 years old:
“I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I took to live with me since last summer at his request. The first wife married a man whom the child does not perceive. At that time, I had already married a second time. My wife is not happy and has now declared that if we do not have our own child, she will leave. We have been married for two years. I'm afraid that my son will feel unnecessary, and I'm tired of being torn between a child and a wife. "

Alena, 25 years old:
“Our boy is one and a half years old. The husband has this second marriage and has a child from his first marriage, a girl of twelve years old. We fight all the time just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I am "not so" about his daughter, when asked what is wrong, he is silent. He works late, leaves early and on the only day off demands that I do not interfere with spending time with his daughter, wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have tantrums. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter. "

These two letters are a look from different sides on the same problem: tensions in the triangle "first wife - second wife - man." Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of "family system", and otherwise - kind. What is it? The family system is like genealogical tree if you draw it on paper. It includes:

• the person whose system we are drawing;
• all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock to their parents;
• his parents, their brothers and sisters and their families, as well as grandparents;
• spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love affairs, due to parting with which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an abortion was made).

So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the diagram drawn, it becomes obvious that everyone has their own place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives own place in system. And the common children from the first marriage are also forever in their place. As well as children from a second marriage - in their place.

After a divorce, people cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain the first husband and first wife in family system.

Talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the definition of "ex" wife, since there are no "exes" in the family system, it includes all its members, even the deceased. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not as on a podium, but only talking about the order of appearance in it.

When people get divorced, they cease to be husband and wife, but they will forever remain the first husband and first wife in the family system that is common to them. And also they will forever remain the parents of their children.

The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who already came before him.

This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and a woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage sooner or later falls apart.

The situation is the same with children. If the spouse does not respect the children from the first marriage and wants the common children to be "higher" for her man, then this is great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child will always be the first. Subsequent children have their own places. Trying to "shove" your child into a place that does not belong to him means digging a hole in marriage with your own hands. This is a recommendation for Alena, the heroine of one of our stories. If you want to save your marriage, respect your first wife and eldest child. Let your husband decide how much he interacts with her.

Some people start to panic when they hear such a recommendation. “He’s completely unbelievable! He will only spend time there if I don’t hold him back! ” they say. But in reality, this is not at all the case. If you try to tie a person, he will try to break free. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system comes into a comfortable balance: the man is happy to devote time to both the child from the first marriage and the second family.

A man in this situation can be advised this: not to succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the story of Cyril, his wife claims to be roles that she has no right to occupy. Only a woman's respect for her first wife and her first child will make the marriage stable. If not, parting is just a matter of time and patience.

A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in cases where the relationship that led to the second marriage begins during the period of the first one. For a new marriage to work out, spouses must admit their part of the blame for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (as well as at the expense of the first husband, if the woman was also married). This recognition must grow into respect.

Sometimes it is very difficult, because the abandoned woman says and does something for which it is difficult to respect her. But you should understand that this is from despair. At this moment, second wives and husbands think with relief: “Since she behaves this way, then we are not guilty of anything and it is right that the divorce has taken place. How can you live with such a person? " But this thought is very dangerous. Respect for the first wife should be maintained, and then sooner or later it will pay dividends.

Olga, 24 years old:
“My young man has been divorced for six months, they have a son for 1.5 years. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, helps financially. I'm not against their dates with their son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense, what happens to the child, how he got up, fell, what he gnawed, where he crawled. In every way he gets it! This is extremely annoying to me. It seems that when he comes to them, she rejoices more for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as necessary. She seems to be constantly trying to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, embroil us. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and no one else is needed, that I am his ideal. But I still don’t find a place for myself when he’s there. ”

So, we have before us standard, if I may say so, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men.

How to behave in relation to the first wife and children from the first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with your beloved man?

1. You must accept your husband along with past marriages and children from them. The past is such a thing that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, it means that you do not accept him completely (“here I love, but here I don’t love”). You knew about your husband's past and you must live with it.

2. It must be remembered that his former wife does not have to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she has nothing to do with your feelings, she will not take them into account, and you should not hope for this for a single minute.

3. If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is a guilt that you do not allow yourself to be brought to the fore. It is she who is the victim in this situation. Only at her expense and at their expense common child you build your relationship. Treat this with responsibility and respect.

4. The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about raising their children. Moreover, they must do so in order to preserve the well-being of the children. The first wife has the right to call your home, tell her father about what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.

5. Do not limit your spouse in dealing with children from your first marriage. Try to establish communication with the children, but specifically communication, and not just gift-giving, candy and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the child to communicate with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Do not insist and do not be offended, let your father communicate on his own.

6. Remember that a man who, for the sake of his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children, is dependent and driven. Someday he may do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to children from his first marriage and knows how to build “civilized” communication with his first wife.

7. If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be more important to him than the first. Often women say: "But now we need you more than he (the first child)." You have no right to demand that they take a seat that is already taken. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has its own place. The father should be able to communicate equally with his own children and with your common ones.

Often a child is only a pretext in the struggle between "past" and "present." The man is in the middle, acting as the "main prize". Some people like it, but, as a rule, this role is extremely uncomfortable for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable boundaries, the second marriage will be in jeopardy, but the first wife will not score "points" either. And most importantly, in these relationships, children suffer - both from the first marriage and from the second.

To build relationships with both women, preserve a second marriage and the well-being of children, you can offer men the following tips:

1. Having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although you have ceased to be spouses).

2. Treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation.

3. Try to develop and maintain the second wife's desire to interact with your children from the first marriage. It's good when this communication develops, but it's not worth demanding Great love and treating your children as if they were your own. Compliment your wife and mark all successful attempts to communicate with your child.

4. Try to make the relationship transparent. Often second wives are jealous of the first, fearing the restoration of relations, so they try to limit communication with children from the first marriage. It is in your power to convince new wife that she is for you now - main woman... Being confident that you treat your first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more relaxed about both the children and the former wife herself.

5. You need to understand that the second wife will never treat her husband's children from the first marriage in the same way as her own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of the man. In the family system of the second wife, her child will be the first for her, and the man's child is just a side branch from his first marriage.

6. If a child is born in a second marriage, a man often worries: will the first-born consider himself unnecessary. It is enough for him to say: "You will always be the first for me." Thus, you will designate his role in the hierarchy of your children, the "first" in in this case not synonymous with the word "chief". But it helps the child to calm down and feel needed.

All recommendations are based on the system-phenomenological approach and the method of family constellations by Bert Hellinger. The main thing to understand is that a painful sense of guilt is disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. In this regard, B. Hellinger writes: “A new relationship works best if new partners admit their guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without guilt here. Then the relationship takes on a different depth, and there are fewer illusions. "

The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.

When two conclude remarriage Having children from the previous one, on the one hand, is wonderful. After all, they decided not to stay forever in the past, but on the contrary, they are ready to start new life and try to build new relationships with blank slate... On the other hand, everyone still has a past, and it reminds of itself in the person of children every day, requiring additional attention and love. Can children from a first marriage be a major problem for a new relationship?

Start thinking about how to avoid possible problems connected with children from former spouses, you need from the moment you meet a new potential partner... Did you just find out that your friend has children from his first marriage? So, it's time to carefully read our advice.

Both a man and a woman, having decided to connect their lives with a person who already have children, should be prepared for the fact that at least one concern in their life will become more. However, as experience shows psychological practice, women and men look differently at what additional cause for concern will appear in their lives.

Mistakes of spouses in relations with children from their first marriage

If a man connects his life with a woman who already has children, then he will have to exist with them under the same roof. And this will happen, most likely, in addition to his wishes - children, as a rule, after a divorce remain with their mother. So that life in a new family does not become a burdensome burden for everyone, let's consider how with male point vision, he must relate to the children of his new companion.

Who the child will become in the new family depends only on adults

Typical misconceptions of men

• Misconception # 1

The man begins to think: “In her life, now I am in charge, and her child must obey me unquestioningly,” and as a result, he receives fierce resistance from the child. How to fix the situation?

At the very beginning of your relationship with a woman, you need to be prepared for the fact that you are unlikely to become a member of the No. 1 family for her, in real life this is extremely rare. Much more often the most important place in the heart of a woman takes her child. There is no need to try to change something fundamentally, just try to take this state of affairs for granted. In addition, there are many examples of the fact that over time, both the child from the first marriage and the second spouse become equal members new family, and how quickly this happens depends on everyone, including the man. Be patient!

• Misconception # 2

The man thinks: “Since her life appeared new love"I, her manifestations of love for the child should not be as strong as before." As a result, the child develops an insane jealousy of his mother. How to proceed in this case?

It is very difficult to get rid of the jealousy of a child (at whatever age he is), and this must also be accepted. Yes, this is quite understandable: after the divorce, the mother was left alone with the baby, and her attention and care were completely given to him exclusively. Why do we now have to share them with a completely stranger? Build the child's trust and sympathy, especially if he is supportive good relationship with your dad can be very difficult.

However, nothing is impossible, and gradually it may well happen. Do not oppose yourself to your son or daughter new wife according to the principle "Either I, or he (she)." Your friend is more likely to prefer the child, so give him the opportunity to get used to you, spend more time together, communicate.

Be aware that the mother still hugs and kisses her baby before leaving for the Kindergarten or school, in the morning after waking up or in the evening before bed. Having received his portion of tenderness, the baby will not mind that his mother treats you well.

There are no winners in family struggles.

• Misconception # 3

Some men believe: "The wife's child from the first marriage should respect me only because I am a man and I am older!"

Unfortunately, this principle usually “does not work” in life. A person at any age understands that people are different from each other, and it is not necessary to respect everyone in a row, especially if it is a stranger, from his point of view, a person. It is quite understandable and suspicion in relationships, and rejection of new responsibilities, and sometimes - a sharp denial of changes in life, up to open protest.

Of course, respect of others is important for a man, it raises self-esteem in his eyes. But respect still needs to be earned, and this will happen when a man with his deeds and actions can convince the young man that he is fully worthy of this. Persuasions and verbal arguments, as a rule, have no force, but real help and support in a difficult situation can greatly speed up the process.

Imagine a boy needs help fixing a broken toy or going to a Soccer game... His father rarely sees him, and here he is - an opportunity to show male qualities and become for little man new friend. It is only important to remember that all actions must be sincere, come from the heart, and not with the aim of quickly proving something to someone, because children feel fake very well!

Joint hobbies are the shortest path to mutual understanding

Common female mistakes

When women get married for the second time, many of them say: “Yes, he has children from his first marriage, I do not at all object to their communication. Of course, he must see them and help them financially, because he is their father! "

Unfortunately, after the wedding, this point of view begins to undergo significant changes. The newly-made wife more and more often thinks that her second husband devotes much more time to the children from his first marriage than her own (if she also has them). Gradually and material help children (and what if the first wife?) becomes an annoying hindrance for her family budget... There are other problems as well, which let's talk about in more detail.

“I think he meets too often former family and spends a lot of time with them "

In this case, most likely, we are talking about jealousy. Are you annoyed even by the mention of the child's name? Do you think that spending the weekend with your son or daughter from your first marriage, your husband is less and less with you and moves away from you? Yes, you are jealous. And this is understandable - before the wedding it seemed to you that nothing bad would happen if the husband and his children from the first wife saw each other. However, over time, you may begin to feel that your husband is simply taking away precious time from a new family in which he could spend time with you.
Try to look at the situation with different eyes and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Discuss with him in detail his plans for further relationship with kids. How often is he going to devote the weekend to them? Is planning joint trip on vacation? How much from the family budget do you agree to regularly allocate to support your husband's children from his first marriage? When all the omissions and misunderstandings are cleared up, your life will become much easier, and you will immediately notice it!

"The husband talks to his first wife too often and talks to her on the phone for too long."

The unwillingness to accept the husband's child into life is jealousy of his ex-wife

Jealousy also increases if the husband actively continues to communicate with his first wife (option “We divorced, but remained friends”). This situation is especially painful for a woman if the first wife did not marry a second time and now may well become a real rival. Yes, they have a lot in common with your current husband: a joint rich past, and most importantly - common child... But don't forget - they DIVORCE. After all, there was some reason for this, and a very compelling one! Now think - what reason, more significant, could force your spouse to return to old family? It is unlikely that such a reason exists. Trust your companion, and then your jealousy, often completely unfounded, will come to naught.

"We need to give birth to a common child, then he will spend all the time in our new family."

Young husband and wife, even if it is their remarriage, may well decide on a joint baby, and this happens very often. However, there are times when the husband says: "I already have children from my first marriage, I no longer plan to become a father." And this situation may suit you if you also already have a child. It is quite another matter when you do not have offspring yet, and you really want to give birth to a baby from a loved one.

Here you can advise in advance to find out the attitude of your chosen one to joint children. If, even before the wedding, he categorically speaks out against common children, think about whether it is worth starting common life risking never to experience the happiness of becoming a mother?

If, on the other hand, your husband ardently supports your desire to become a mother, you should be prepared in advance for the fact that he will not disregard the first children either. Yes, he will take care of your baby, but he will still give part of his time to older children. And it's better to just put up with it.

Building your own happiness, you should not forget about the happiness of children.

How to avoid mistakes when communicating with a child from a previous marriage

“My new husband has children from his first marriage - just lovely! We get along great! " - today such a phrase can be heard less and less. Realities modern life are such that her rapid rhythm does not allow you to go deep into building relationships, however, if you want more harmony and tranquility in a new family, try to improve relationships with your husband's eldest child.

Nobody makes him love, just treat him like to an ordinary person, albeit small for now. Show respect, be interested in what he is interested in, if possible, be neutral in controversial situations and do not interfere with his communication with his father. As you get older, your child will certainly appreciate the absence of diktat and scandalous episodes on your part.

How to prevent childhood suffering

“Children suffer the most” - unfortunately, this common phrase is very true. The kid cannot protect himself, influence the course of events, force mom and dad not to divorce and stay together - together with each other, with him. Instead of a familiar, well-ordered life, he first receives an unhappy, silent mother, deeply experiencing a divorce, and then - the appearance of a new, stranger in their life. Mom begins to reckon with this stranger, to spend a lot of time with him. And what does the baby feel at this time?

Most children, during the period of divorce and establishing new relationships with their stepfather, experience an incredible shock that can have a profound impact on their entire subsequent life. And it will depend on the mother how tangible the consequences of such a shock will be.

In no case do not radically rebuild his life, do not force him to change his little habits. Do not cancel your little rituals - hug mom, kiss before bed, talk at the end of the day about your business. Let the growing person know that his life is still inextricably linked with you, that the new family member is not going to oust him. Let the baby constantly feel your care, attention, and, of course, love, only in this case he will grow up to be empathetic, kind person who appreciate participation and warmth.

Video: psychologist consultation

Do not worry too actively about how the relationship between the husband and the first child will develop. Men are just less than us, inherent in the "voice of blood": they easily become attached to the child who lives next to whom they take care of, with whom they play. If until now the attitude of your husband to your eldest suited you, there is no reason to think that everything will change with the birth of your second child, your common child.

A common child as a means to improve relations with her husband

I observed cases when the relationship between a man and his wife's child from his first marriage did not work out (the usual reasons are “unsympathetic,” “I don’t like children at all,” “behaves ugly - apparently, genes”).

Rather, this is how the women themselves assessed the situation: it seemed to them that, on the whole, everything is fine, but that the child of the new husband does not suit him - and he wants his own, dear ... Here, I’ll give birth to a child from him, and then, you look, everything will work out ... It won't work out. Because in fact, men in such families also have a lot of complaints about their wife, her friends, parents, etc. The inability to get along with the child from the first marriage always testifies to the lack of love for the wife and care for her.

If, unfortunately, this concerns you, consider whether you are ready to risk your fate and the fate of your children in the hope of keeping a man. The end of such stories is typical: after the birth of the second, common child, the husband begins to emphasize the difference between the children - this is manifested in increased severity, exactingness to the elder, constant dissatisfaction with his behavior, demonstrative indifference. In such cases, a woman has to make a choice: whether to keep the family at the cost of the eldest child's happiness, or to protect him in a constant struggle with her husband.

First, talk to your husband. Explain that you can see his feelings for the child, that you can understand the lack of love, but that you cannot allow the child to be mistreated just because the father is a different man. Set clear boundaries about what is acceptable about your child - for example, what words should not be spoken about him, even in severe irritation what punishments are unacceptable for you. Do not deviate from these rules. The first thing that a mother should understand in such a situation: you cannot close your eyes to what is happening, you cannot persuade yourself (“everything will work out, he will get used to my child, he needs time, he is just a strict father”). It could only get worse further ...

Should I tell my elder that dad is not native?

There are times when the older child does not remember his own father - sometimes because he did not live with his family at all, or because you broke up when the child was still a baby. If soon after that you got married for the second time, a natural question arises: do you need to tell the child that dad is not his own? Sometimes the problem is solved by default - the child's surname is changed, required documents and negotiate with relatives and friends about keeping secrets.

I had a boy at the reception who found out this family secret at the age of 9: it was then that he showed up biological father and demanded to grant him the right to see the child. The child was literally shocked: his familiar world was crumbling before his eyes. The boy had fantasies that he would be sent to another family, that he was generally a stranger in the family (his mother was also not real); relations with younger brother(a son from a second marriage).

Children in such cases ALWAYS experience shock - both from the most unexpected discovery, and from the fact that adults were silent for so long (i.e. deceived him). Therefore, if just such a situation developed in your family at one time and you finally decided to tell the older child the truth about his own father, be sure to explain what caused your silence: you were worried, hesitated, afraid to upset the child. You thought to do the best, but now you regret it. You understand - this discovery is not easy for him, and he may feel confused, frightened or angry for a while.

Of course, each case is special, but there are general rules for the most painless way out of such situations. If possible, you need to tell the child the truth, speak in words that he understands, without introducing unnecessary emotions into the story. Remember that unnecessary information that is incomprehensible to a child simply will not linger in his head.

The right to communicate

It often happens that a woman who, after a divorce, did not object to the communication of the child with the father, begins to interfere with this communication after the second marriage and the birth of the second child. The motive usually happens like this: a woman wants the child to get used to the “new dad” faster and not to feel envy of the younger one. In fact, everything turns out exactly the opposite. The older child begins to fantasize that the new mother's husband and youngest child are to blame for his separation from his father. The disappearance of the father (all the more, accompanied by the lies of adults - "went on a business trip", "lives in another city") is perceived by the child as the loss of a part of "I". In such families, children adapt much worse to the mother's second marriage, it is more difficult to build relationships with new relatives.

How to prepare a senior?

The older child, with any age difference, experiences a painful feeling of separation from his parents. In your situation, the matter is further complicated by the fact that own father the child lives separately. That's why Special attention mothers during pregnancy should be directed to prepare the older child for the future event.

Parents often say: “Now you are the eldest, you will help mom,” meaning the child's desire to play “big”. Sometimes the older child will be happy to help you - he will sit with the baby while the mother is in the kitchen, picks up the fallen pacifier, claps her hands in front of the roaring baby ... But the mother must be very careful in this game. Children who are forced to nurse younger ones are much worse at coping with jealousy and often direct aggression against them.

If you feel like you can't handle the double workload, consider finding someone to help you. In the event of the birth of a second child, mothers most often agree with the nanny that she will take on the bulk of the care of one of the children (usually the eldest). For the same purposes, one of the children can be sent to the grandmother - "while it is difficult for mom with you two." In this case, the child separated from the mother experiences a much more intense feeling of jealousy and abandonment. Ideal option it would be the preservation of the family - when both children remain with their mother, and nanny(visiting assistant, grandmother) divides her attention between both babies.

Don't tell your elder, "I will still love you more than anyone else." You will love them the same way, just the manifestations of feelings will be different. Usually, this is what mothers say, who in childhood also faced jealousy and a feeling of deprivation. As a result, they can hardly bear the same feelings in own child and by all means are ready to avoid even a conversation on this topic.

You should definitely discuss his feelings with your elder. Explain that jealousy and resentment in his position is perfectly normal; if you had a similar experience in childhood, tell us about your experiences at that time. Make it clear that you will not push him away despite “ bad thoughts". Tell that a mother's love for children does not depend on their age, that she will still love them many years later, when they grow up and have their own children. That when children are young, they need more care (and in the same way you looked after an older one when he was just a toddler). And that "more time" does not mean "more love" at all.

In general, a message from a mother to an older child (or so far the only one who is preparing to be an elder) should be as close to reality as possible. “Dad and I love you very much. Soon we will have a second child, your brother or sister. At first, there is a lot of fuss with little children. Do you remember I told you about how you were born, how you were very young? It's always like this with little ones. They are completely helpless, weak, unable to eat or dress themselves. I'll be very busy at first. You will probably sometimes be angry that I cannot be with you whenever you feel like it. There is nothing wrong with that, you can always tell me about your feelings. I am always ready to listen to you, understand and regret. "

Grandmothers - new and old

If, despite your divorce, your first husband's parents keep in touch with you and your baby, you're really in luck! You get help, support, confirmation that, despite the divorce, relationships with loved ones can continue. Experience shows that when sensible approach(politeness, unobtrusiveness, courtesy) relationship with ex-mother-in-law it is even more convenient to maintain than with the current one. After all, you now have nothing (and no one) to share.

Be sure to agree with your husband IN ADVANCE how you intend to build relationships with ex-relatives, how you plan to organize communication between your ex-husband and your child. Talk to your husband's relatives - they must be aware of your plans.

In a situation where a complete - that is, a double - "set" of grandmothers is available, there are also pitfalls. In our culture, older people do not always easily come to terms with the situation when children and grandchildren from different marriages communicate and make friends. Therefore, the parents of the first husband may initially refuse to maintain a relationship with your children from the second marriage (not to mention your second husband and his family). Trying to change anything here is pointless - you will have to come to terms with this situation and try to learn from it possible benefit... At least, if necessary, there will be someone to sit with your older child.

The "Western" model, when the first and second families are not necessarily friends, but in any case maintain relations, is not common in Russia. Unfortunately. Because for children it is a wonderful school of tolerance, forgiveness and diplomacy. A child learns from childhood that divorce is not a reason for enmity. That you can disagree in views, characters, life positions, but at the same time keep fond memories of each other. I have seen very few families in which a second marriage and the birth of children from a new marriage did not destroy relations with old relatives. In any case, no matter what dire circumstances your divorce takes place, the grandparents of your first husband have the right to communicate with their grandchildren.

It is best if the meetings will take place not exclusively on their territory. Otherwise, the older child gets the impression that he is a special, partly partial member of the new family. You can organize a joint walk with both children, invite grandmother to visit children's day birth.

Help your little one

The period of adaptation of an older child to the appearance of a brother or sister from his mother's second marriage can take several months. At that time normal reactions behavioral problems (most often - whims, disobedience), increased anxiety, aggressiveness, sleep and appetite disorders, tearfulness and depressed mood are considered. It is best if even before birth youngest child you go to an appointment with a senior child psychologist... After examining the child and talking with you, the specialist will be able to give you specific recommendations, will advise how to talk to the child, how to react to his behavior in a particular case. If necessary, he will conduct a psychocorrection course with the child. This will help you to pass the acute period as painlessly as possible.

If the second child has already been born and the elder's emotional and behavioral disorders have not disappeared after 3-4 months, you should ALWAYS consult with a specialist.

When entering into a second marriage, a woman, as a rule, already has a considerable life experience... She looks at life more reasonably and soberly. Therefore, she has every chance to create a family in which all children will feel loved and desired.

You cannot, of course, generalize and equate everyone: each has its own story. And there are many of those who were not disappointed in love and did not become afraid of marriage after the first unsuccessful experience, but, having children from their first marriage, decided on a new relationship. The reasons for this are different: someone meets "true love", and someone is just looking for a second parent for their children.

As a rule, young people enter into a second marriage with greater responsibility, having realized by this time that family life is not only legalized love, but also everyday life, chores, worries and a joint wallet. People who already have children are even more serious about second marriage.

Alena and Alexey

Alena, marrying Alexei, could not imagine that his 7-year-old son from his first marriage, Zhenya, would become a "bone of contention" in their family, because until they legalized their relationship, Alena and Zhenya were doing pretty well in their relationship ...

"I was 25 years old, Lesha was 29. He did not hide from me that he was divorced and had a child. We met for six months before he introduced me to his son. We made friends with Zhenya, I was glad when Lesha took his son and we the three of us spent time, the child did not interfere with us at all. I did not pretend to be a mother, I did not undertake to bring up Zhenya- I thought I had no right to do so.

Today our daughter is one and a half years old, and our marriage is on the verge of divorce. Zhenya lives with us, and I am raising him. Lesha's first wife said that since Lesha had arranged his personal life, while she was taking care of the child, now it was his turn to take care of him, and she will live for herself and build new family, although she has not yet met her other half. She takes Zhenya to her only when she wants to introduce him to her next gentleman.

I am now on parental leave, raising and caring for Zhenya is also on me. The husband disappears at work. Zhenya does not obey me, to all my comments he says that I am not his mother and he is not obliged to obey me. The husband answers all my tears and requests to talk to his son in best case: "Deal with yourself", and at worst - blames me for the fact that I treat Zhenya badly. Probably, if we had all discussed and decided at once, then now there would not be such a situation. My husband, as soon as Zhenya began to live with us, had to explain to the child that since I was going to be engaged in raising him, then I needed to obey. Now I do not know what will save our marriage ... ".

Svetlana and Dmitry

Svetlana's situation was the opposite: she divorced her first husband, the child remained with her: “With the first husband, our relationship developed rapidly: love turned our heads, after 7 months we signed and began to live together. Soon Kristinka appeared. But how quickly love came, so quickly she left. I looked at my daughter and wondered: how can I love the child so much and not love her father in the least bit. We divorced without quarrels, the former did not pretend to be a daughter. I was not looking for love, my goals in life were work and raising a child. I worked one and a half times at work and interrupted by various part-time jobs, devoted every free minute to my daughter. There was no one to wait for help. My daughter introduced me to Dima: while I was choosing something in the store, she walked away from me and took my hand unfamiliar man... I still don't know why she did this: Kristinka, like any child, could "confuse mom" in the store - to grab someone else's aunt by the arm or leg, but for the first time for her uncle.

We met with Dima for two months, then we moved in: he moved from his three-room apartment to my two-room one, because I insisted on it. I didn't want to carry my daughter to him. Honestly, then I did not believe in my happiness and was very afraid. There were also such thoughts: "But we will have a fight, and he will kick me out with my daughter! But I don’t want to! We’d better kick him out of our apartment!"

Before he moved his things, we discussed all the nuances so that there was complete clarity in our relationship. We agreed that Kristinka would not call him dad, that he would take part in raising her daughter, but would never raise a hand against my daughter in educational purposes that we will go on vacation with our daughter, and our parents will not interfere in our family life. Last year we celebrated five years from the date of our wedding. I am happy: my daughter has grown up and calls Dima dad, they are very friendly. Our Seryozha is already two months old. And I'm damn pleased when my husband says "our children"! "

Natalia and Denis

With its history and secret happy marriage Natalya also shared with her second husband:

“A man must understand that he is not just marrying a woman, but a woman with a child. My Denis did not listen to anyone when he decided to marry me. Friends and relatives dissuaded, they said, "why do you need a trailer?", "You will find a girl without a burden." But he fell in love not only with me, but also with my children. Divorce does not always mean that children are left without a father. After the divorce, my ex-husband did not abandon the children, but undertook certain obligations: to help financially and participate in their upbringing. We agreed that everything controversial points we will find out in calm atmosphere and not with children.

In general, I believe that first you need to resolve all issues with ex-husband... Dot the i. And only then, when you put things in order with the past, you can start building a new life and new relationships. With Denis, I also decided to discuss everything first, and not follow the lead of love and turn off the mind. Love is love, but family is different. We agreed that he is not obliged to spend money on my children; he can make gifts whenever he wants to. Denis takes my children for granted: without paternal awe, but with the responsibility of an adult, he takes care of them. All instructions and serious conversations are the business of my first husband. Denis does not pay for the education of his children, again, this is the responsibility of their father. But we never had a conversation that children interfere with our marriage. If Denis has a day off, then he takes care of children.

I know that he will feed them and make sure that junior lessons learned. The ex and my current husband treat each other normally: of course, there is no talk of friendship, but in general everything is calm and quiet. I asked both of them for respectful attitude to my past and present, and they seem to have listened. Now, when I see how Denis treats my children, I understand that I am ready to become a mother and our common children. I am sure of him: he will not leave us. "

Elizabeth and Oleg

Oleg, in order to preserve his second marriage, had to conduct an educational conversation with his daughter from his first marriage more than once: “Student time, beautiful girlfriend ... I got pregnant. could about giving birth to a child out of wedlock. So what? We lived for a year, but both howled from this family life... I worked part-time from morning till night, she left the university, stayed at home. Not a trace remained of the beautiful girl: she got fat, she stopped taking care of herself at all. One evening we sat down at the negotiating table. By mutual consent it was decided to divorce.

Later happened in my life real love, I met the one whom I wanted to marry - for love! At first, the relationship was going well: Liza and her daughter seemed to make friends, spoiled Masha with gifts - she would give perfume, then jewelry. And I was so happy when my daughter asked: "Dad, are you happy with Lisa? Do you love her?" I say to her: "Happy, I love", and my daughter answered: "Well, since you are happy, then I am also happy!"

And then everything changed very dramatically. A couple of days before the wedding, Masha began to arrange concerts: she tried to say nasty things to Lisa, then she said that she would not go to the wedding at all. At the wedding, my daughter was nevertheless, however, with such an expression on her face, as if at my funeral, and not at the wedding!

After the wedding, everything became even worse: each visit of the daughter resulted in a scandal. She reproached Lisa for being a bad housewife, spending too much money ... Liza cried, packed her things and was about to leave. Five times for sure. I begged to stay. I could not be rude to my daughter, because I always felt guilty that she did not grow up in full family and maybe I didn't give her all fatherly love and the caress that I should have. But I was not ready to lose a loved one either. So we lived: a week or two in perfect harmony with Liza, then our daughter came and in our house screams and tears began again. I tried to talk to my daughter, explained that I love her and my wife.

In the end, I decided that since my daughter did not want to communicate with Lisa, then it was necessary to limit their communication. I lived with Liza, and spent time with my daughter separately, she did not come to us. It took 3 years before the daughter came to terms with the fact that her father had a beloved woman. When Liza became pregnant, Masha herself expressed a desire to come to visit us. Today Masha no longer brings discord into our marriage with Liza, she sincerely loves her brother and is happy to babysit him. Let the relationship between Liza and Masha not be ideal, but nevertheless I achieved my goal: Masha began to respect my personal life, stopped being jealous of me for Lisa and no more tantrums and tears in my house! "

According to the National Statistical Committee of the Republic of Belarus, in January-February 2013 compared to the same period last year, the number of registered marriages increased by 21.3%, the number of divorces decreased by 12.2%. In January-February 2013, there were 535 divorces per 1000 marriages, in January-February 2012 - 739 divorces.