The best love songs are found here. How to start a serious conversation with a man

13.01.2014

The man walks away from talking about the development of relationships. Do not mind living together, but do not want to discuss. What are the forecasts and prospects?

Question of Evgeniya good evening! I am 30 years old, he is 32. I know each other more than a year. I divorced my first husband, I have a daughter, I live with my parents, I run a sports active image life. He has never been married, lives with his parents, a completely opposite person to me. Calm, not sociable, likes to be alone. When we started dating, I didn’t take it seriously, I liked his attention, communication, sex. He knew all this. But over time, I got feelings. Now I want to try to live together. It seemed to me that he, as a rather passive, pliable person, would not be against such a proposal. But I've been trying to talk to him for two weeks now about it. He leaves the answer. That is, they don’t seem to mind living, but they don’t want to discuss this topic - they say that there is nowhere to live, that they have feelings, but they don’t confess their love. I ask you to help me understand: what kind of relationship is this, how can they be defined? What are the chances for the future? Why is he leaving the discussion? I do not need his clear consent to life together, I just want to at least discuss it!

How to talk to your partner about problems if he is not used to discussing relationships? And what to do if you want to discuss some situation, and the partner leaves the dialogue? These issues primarily concern women in heterosexual relationships. Since masculinity and femininity are social constructs, there are many prescriptions associated with them. Following them, men should not show emotions, be “soft” and “feminine”, and therefore they often try to avoid dialogue or consider “showdown” an unpleasant and meaningless thing. In turn, femininity is partly constructed around the idea that a woman should pay more attention to relationships, be more concerned about their safety and make efforts to preserve them.

While these ideas do have a profound effect on men and women, fortunately the reality is a bit more complicated, as each of us has something to counter cultural and cultural influences. gender stereotypes- first of all personal experience attachments in the family of origin. Practice shows that the withdrawing partner in a heterosexual relationship is not always a man. AND same-sex couples also not immune from the fact that one of the partners or partners will often avoid discussing the relationship.

First important idea, which will help move forward in such a situation: the partner has his own reasons for not discussing the relationship or situations related to it. Ideally, such a conversation could begin with just such words, but not everything is so simple. Saying "I know you have your reasons for not talking about it" and believing it are two different things. One of the main reasons leading to the avoidance of a conversation on such topics is fear. Very often on psychological consultations one of the partners says that when he last spoke or opened up, the other was very angry in response. This, in turn, leads to the fact that the partner begins to make excuses: “Well, what are you saying, it’s really important for me to know your opinion, but I can’t always agree with it.” This is a dead end.

Remember how parents in childhood and adolescence wanted you to trust them and tell them as much as possible and how they reacted when you told them the truth. Most likely, they cursed and punished you when they heard things that scared them. So very quickly, children and teenagers understand what is worth telling, and what aspects of life are best hidden from relatives. Naturally, an adult partner is hardly afraid that you will punish him. But he may be trying to avoid upsetting, offending, or angering you.

If you go deeper, behind the fear very often there is such an emotion as shame. This is one of the most destructive emotions - it makes a person want to disappear, freeze, hide, so that he is not seen. Shame differs from guilt in that a person feels that he is bad in himself, and not that he did something bad. Shame is very difficult to bear emotionally and physically, so people often either withdraw into themselves to avoid this experience, or attack first, defending themselves.

Being ashamed is also shameful. Never try to bring a person to "clean water" by saying: "You're just ashamed now!"

For men, one of the common shame triggers is the feeling that your partner is unhappy, upset, or suffering. In this sense, talking about relationships can be a signal that the partner is upset about something, which means that something is wrong with the man, he begins to experience himself as bad. On the other hand, the very conversation about relationships and experiences can be seen as “not masculine enough.” Men are more accustomed to dealing with problems that society defines as “male”, and in the area of ​​feelings, experiences and relationships, they may feel insufficiently competent or not courageous enough - and this can also lead to shame. Very often, men defend themselves against feelings of shame with anger.

If you get the impression that the partner, leaving the conversation, is escaping responsibility, you should take a closer look at the situation and the meanings that are in it. Another option, which occurs in both men and women, is the warning self-blame: “Well, yes, I am a terrible person who ruined your life.” So you can avoid this painful, humiliating experience that you are bad in the eyes of a partner, that perhaps you have no right to exist in a strange universe. It may seem that I exaggerate, but in shame the stakes are always as high as possible - unlike guilt, where you can correct what you did, shame is doom: "I am so bad that I am not worthy to be near you." Important feature shame is that feeling shame is also shameful. So never try to take a man to " clean water saying, "You're just embarrassed right now!" In this way, you are more likely to break the contact completely, increase shame and fix avoidance in the partner’s behavior.

What is the antidote to shame? Positive Feedback, self-disclosure and sincerity on your part. For most men, it is important that the partner was happy. Therefore, by indicating that you know that he is genuinely interested in your well-being, you confirm the value of a partner. In fact, the message: "I know that you good man and take care of me,” is what “dissolves” shame. If the first part of the message affirms the value of the partner and their positive intentions, then the second can be focused around your need for contact, discussion and a sense of "we".

A skill that can help create a more trusting environment for self-disclosure and help a withdrawing partner speak out is softening. Softening means that you can express the thoughts and feelings that disturb you calmly, slowly and gradually, while at the same time opening up and showing your vulnerability. Slowing down, calming down and softening is what allows you to remove the feeling of threat in a relationship. Naturally, such interaction is impossible on the go, in a hurry, or in situations that require you or your partner to distribute attention. Softening involves sharing rather than blaming or demanding. Share, among other things, your vulnerability and fears, for example: “I am afraid that if we do not discuss this, then we will move even further away from each other”, “When you withdraw into yourself, I begin to doubt myself. If we could talk more often, I would feel more confident.”

All this may seem complicated. And it's really difficult, but being able to talk about what's bothering you in a relationship and articulate what you need is very important. If one partner pulls away, and the other in response refuses to try to emotionally "reunite" with him, the couple chooses a dangerous and, oddly enough, unstable compromise, which later almost always turns into additional difficulties. The myth that there are easy-to-handle people is one of the most harmful. There will always be something that can annoy you about your partner and your partner about you, but as long as it doesn't become a threatening stimulus, both can always open up and take risks.

Question to the psychologist:

Good day, dear psychologists. Thank you for your work, helping those in need and for your wonderful informative website.

I will try to state the problem as concisely as possible, observing the rules for posing the question.

I am 29 years old, my husband is 42. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years, married for 7 months, we live together for 10 months. Both had their first marriage, neither I nor my husband had children. Husband good job, we are financially secure, I temporarily did not work, now I am slowly returning to looking for a job.

About our relationship: we love and respect each other very much, we value our family and try to take care of each other.

About the character of her husband: strong-willed, reliable, generous, with a very good heart, but proud, secretive, taciturn, does not like to complain, he is exactly one of those about whom they say: "with a rod", and "like behind a stone wall."

About me: cheerful, educated, active girl principled, demanding, impatient. How objectively can you describe yourself. In my "defence": I constantly work on my versatile development, both personal qualities and appearance, I do a lot of sports, I try to cover a wide variety of types of physical activity - from fitness to surfing and various types of cardio. I have already re-read your site from and to, corrected my worldview, I managed to understand a lot, I have been inclined to development and introspection for a long time, because. I live by the principle: "there is no limit to perfection."

About the current situation: Husband wonderful person. Protect, provide, solve all problems. It would seem, what else do you want?

His strength of character is now beginning to manifest itself in a different way. He is not receptive to constructive criticism, not responsive to my feelings. For example, in the first months living together, when I was upset about something, tried to convey it to him, started a conversation (not a scandal or tantrum), just tried to explain my feelings or attitude to the situation, he left the conversation. Literally get up and leave. This upset me even more, I began to cry, he never calmed me down and did not show pity, on the contrary, he defiantly ignored me, perceiving tears as an attempt to manipulate. I quickly corrected my approach, began to convey feelings to him in the form of "I-messages". The development of the situation has not changed. I tried to speak - he does not want to listen, I start crying, ignore, goes to sleep. Such situations occurred once every 1-2 months. The conflict ended to no avail for me, in the sense that my husband was not going to listen to my experiences, crying - no regrets, on the trail. morning wakes up as if nothing had happened. Every time I tried to talk and ended up crying because of his indifference, he told me that I cry too much (once a month at most), that it causes him stress, I bother him, it’s not normal to cry, he is disappointed, if he knew that I would cry so much - he would not marry, compares me with girls from his past - no one has ever cried. But he lived with a girl only once, 2 years, and then in a stormy student youth, what comparisons can there be with 20 years ago by himself, how much water has already flown under the bridge, 20 years bachelor life over your shoulders.

I am very susceptible to such statements, I take it as a personal insult - if he regrets that he got married, why does he live with me? I do not hold. I don’t know if it’s pride or self-respect, but I don’t scatter words so easily and I’m afraid to offend a person close to me. In my understanding - if you said, then answer for your words, if you regret what was said - apologize. He never apologizes, but he doesn't want to listen to my complaints either.

In fairness, it should be said that apart from this there are no “claims” against my husband, he loves me and deliberately does not offend, he cares. He tries his best, but does not try to enter into a dialogue. I understand that such a character is not very talkative, and that suits me. By deeds, he always showed that he was ready to put the world at my feet and an asterisk from the sky (I'm not exaggerating). But it turns out that I should be content with the attitude that he gives me, and any attempts to compromise, or at least search for a compromise, are crowned with a fiasco because of his unwillingness.

Happy family relationships are MUTUAL work and energy investments. This truth is repeated by site psychologists in almost every response to letters from this category. I understand this, but my husband does not. He himself told me: "I thought, if we love each other, then everything will be wonderful automatically with us, no effort is needed."

I have the opposite philosophy - the quality of life is achieved through effort and vital energy(I'm not talking about the material, the husband provides). I'm talking about healthy trusting relationships good health and good mood, happy children, well-established life, delicious dinner etc.

In general, the way the situation developed psychologically was not very healthy for me, because my husband forced me to suppress my negative emotions. For some time I could not understand how to react correctly, but I felt depressed from such situations and from feeling guilty - after all, I annoy my husband with my tears, and he works, provides for us, he needs rest.

Then I realized that there was no strength left to endure this emotional neglect, and in one of the conversations I made it clear to my husband that it couldn’t last for a long time, I was too tired to suppress discontent and suffer from the impossibility of dialogue.

suggested to go to family psychologist. This proposal shocked my husband, the stereotype is such that only couples on the verge of divorce go to a psychologist. Although many of our familiar couples consulted a psychologist more than once.

In general, he was terribly scared of the psychologist and for our marriage too, so he listened to my experiences for 1-2 months, don’t think, I don’t get bored often. It’s just that my husband has such walls built that he needs an approach and patience. I try my best to stick to this strategy. Water wears away the stone. I try, I study, I adapt, although I have never been distinguished by patience.

A few weeks ago, I again begin to notice that there is no contact. All efforts to "get through" to him are in vain. Even if he listens, he does not answer anything and does not even react.

For example, I would like more attention, more "quality" pastime, in regular time I don’t even bother him with such requests, but now my husband has a vacation, but he still doesn’t hurry to go anywhere with me. Yes, at home we are together all the time, but he watches sports all day or rests. All this is acceptable and understandable, but why not go for a walk, meet friends, etc. at least for a while? I start talking about it - I don't want to hear it. Yes, now he is not feeling very well, but he cannot even explain it. Only says that no one likes people who complain. And I'm not a clairvoyant and I can't understand how he feels, what he wants, what he thinks for some reason, because he is simply SILENT! It pisses me off, maybe he is dying inside, but he won’t show it, if I knew, I would have regretted it, and I understood, and so ... Sometimes you ask him a question, and in response there is silence. Just does not want to answer, rarely, but it happens O_O.

I was also very upset when my husband got angry that I tried to explain my feelings to him and went to sleep in another room, although he knows how important it is for me to sleep in the same bed .. My love language is touch. Since I love my husband very much, I react painfully when I don’t feel his presence at night, probably also because he “does not like” me (in accordance with my love language), does not like hugs, touch each other, he will not hug. On this basis, there is also misunderstanding, but at least he tries, hugs me at night for at least 5-10 minutes, and then happiness. It was he who overcame himself, before he didn’t hug at all at night, he was used to sleeping alone. Although everything is wonderful with an intimate life, it helps out.

He also told me that if a child is born and sleeps with us in the room, he will sleep in another, because he needs to get enough sleep for work. Despite the fact that the baby for the most part wants the husband. And I know that it is unacceptable for me to sleep in different rooms and I don’t want such a life, I have a different idea of ​​\u200b\u200bfamily relationships. Now I don’t understand whether it’s worth pausing our attempts to get pregnant until we discuss all the points, but you can’t say everything in advance, and communication is a serious problem.

Such a situation, lack of communication with her husband. Regarding domestic issues, everything is fine, but trusting relationship which I would like, no. Although for the husband existing relationship norm, he does not understand what does not suit me. I, in turn, do not understand how to deal with this, despite the fact that my husband does not want to go to a psychologist. I tried to figure it out on my own - everything fell into place. He does not want to work on relations, I regard this as selfishness and irresponsibility in relation to our union: "(

1. Should I accept the situation as it is and continue to suppress my desires, negative emotions, to please my husband?

2. Based on all of the above, is it worth continuing to plan a pregnancy? I read your article, which says that it is advisable to become parents only when there is an overabundance of love ( thank you very much You for this article, a lot was consciously after reading).

So, I don’t get too much tenderness and attention from my husband, but I can’t convey this to him either - I don’t want to hear it.

3. Maybe I am being too dramatic and the problem is not so serious? The difficulty is that the husband refuses to cooperate in improving the situation, and my hands are already lowered, too much has not been said, emotions are overwhelmed (I understand that he is not obliged to behave the way I expect him to), I understand that all of his indifference to my attempts to explain to him how I feel, it's just the inability to cope with the situation and the fear of solving problems, he is also upset ... But avoiding solving the problem will only worsen the situation, right?

Thank you in advance for your answer, once again I want to express my gratitude and admiration for your work!

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello, Elena!

Thank you for such a detailed letter, it is clear that it is really important for you to understand and work through the current situation. Therefore, I will write as it is, perhaps you will draw something for yourself in my answer, or maybe, on the contrary, you will deny it, in any case - your right, and you are free in your choice.

The first feeling that arose after reading that this is your problem, not his. As I understand it, everything suits him (except for your tears), he feels good, he does not feel a lack of emotions and the need to talk about feelings, improve relationships, etc. You need it. Hence the question - why do you need it? You repeated more than once that there are no other claims to your husband, in other areas everything is perfect, that he suits you, moreover, his silent and introverted character suits you, but as you write, you don’t want to be “satisfied” with this! Therefore, you change it for yourself, but where is the love? Your husband is right to some extent - if people truly love each other, then everything turns out effortlessly and without strain. Love is unconditional acceptance person, and not a list of requirements that he must have. He was always like that, you saw who you married, why are you trying to change him now? Then it would be reasonable for him to make claims against you and demand the fulfillment of his desires, breaking you and adjusting to himself.

If you want to change something, start with yourself. You write that you work a lot on yourself, both physically and intellectually (read this site), but there is also spiritual development, it consists in inner work over yourself, in search of harmony, in finding balance in life and in working through your traumas. And I suppose that everything that you have claims against your husband is a manifestation of your personal experiences, to which he has nothing to do. Moreover, you yourself write that he does not deliberately offend you, but rather takes care of you. And we can only be offended by what is suppressed and hidden deep inside us, so deep that sometimes we generally deny the existence of these injuries and it is easier for us to project them outside, onto other people, making them “bad”, and ourselves – “ good."

Imagine a person who has cut his hand deeply, but hid the wound under long sleeve. And now he meets a friend who, in a fit of warm emotions, takes him by the hand in the very place for big hug. Naturally, a person will experience pain, but is the one who wanted to hug to blame for this? This is a simple illustration of how our relationships with other people distort our mental trauma. Only at the level of the body is it clearer to us, we can feel it, but we try to forget, suppress, devalue our grievances, usually children's. But our loved ones do not just come into our lives, they come to help us understand ourselves and learn our lessons.

In your story, it is obvious that you and your husband differ in many ways, but you made the decision to be together mutually, no one forced anyone to do this, so why do you now consider yourself entitled to demand what he did not originally have? You should learn to respect his needs and then he will be able to listen to yours. But this is a very delicate process, if you do something with the aim of gaining profit, then this is a market relationship, not a love one. In Love, people easily give without demanding anything in return and also easily receive. This is a constant exchange of energies, care, actions, but not out of a desire to get something, but out of an inner need to do it. If the husband does not do this, then he is not ready for this. How do you like it better for a man to give you flowers himself, or after you tell him directly about it? Similarly, with relationships, he will go his own way, and you will see changes if you work on yourself, only by changing yourself you can change the other. And since, as you write, you have never been distinguished by patience, I think that this is where you need to start. Do not wait rapid change. A person at the age of 42 is already an established personality, with his own convictions and principles that do not change "at the behest of the pike, at your will." This requires more serious internal motives and transformations.

I also think it is important to note that the atmosphere in the family and, in general, the house and life are the responsibility of a woman, and the task of a man is to provide. Consequently, a man works at work and rests at home, and for a woman, work is a place where she is nourished, dispelled, receives new information, and works at home. It turns out that the husband is still coping with his debt, and you need to rethink something. After all, we cannot reach another level by continuing to act as before, for this we need to start doing something that we have not done before.

And the last thing I would like to say is that a woman should have friends, acquaintances, friends with whom she can spend time and talk heart to heart. It is not worth demanding regular conversations about the innermost from a man. Better go to church, meditate, keep a diary, but do not tire him with such conversations, men are made for other tasks. And the conversations are ours female field activities, men “speak” the language of actions, and judging by your letter, your husband can handle it too!

As for the child, you can only feel “that very moment” yourself! No specialist has the right to give you a date or set deadlines. It is your choice and your mutual responsibility, therefore, when you are ready, baby will come to your family.

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Tell me, please, why does a person leave the conversation? See you for the third year. Both are divorced and both have children. Everything is generally good except for very rare meetings. When we meet, a sea of ​​tenderness and love for each other. When asked - can we be a couple? He delayed the answer for a long time - several weeks, and then said that he could not give me a relationship in the traditional sense. He cannot, because his life has developed and he is not ready to change anything globally. For now, so be it. We decided to leave everything as it was. But then he had difficulties - a friend died, another friend became seriously ill. He closed up, we barely communicate - he responds to text messages with delays, we don’t see each other. When I ask him to answer - did you decide to draw a line? In response, silence. Promises to call back and doesn't. Although the person in principle is very obligatory. I already have the feeling that he wants to piss me off in order to shift the responsibility for the breakup onto me. And just waiting for me to flare up. To not feel "guilty" for leaving me. Well, what kind of manipulation? Or is he just not up to me now and is it better not to touch him? But then, I'm afraid that he will decide that I don't care ... How to find out the situation?

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist; Clinical psychologist; Forensic Expert

clinical psychologist, consultant psychologist, life coach, forensic expert, candidate of psychological sciences specialization: individual psychological counseling problem-solving oriented; psychodiagnostics and forensic examination; personality-oriented integral psychotherapy (post-traumatic stress disorders, addictions, existential problems, neurosis and neurosis-like disorders, disorders and deviations in sex and age development); life coaching (effective life strategy, self-development, career management)

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Hello Irina.

If, with that social distance and the frequency of meetings with your man, which is in fact, every time you have a "sea of ​​tenderness and love for each other", then this does not mean at all that everything will be just as good if you move in together and will live together and manage the household together. Most often " love boat"It breaks down precisely about a joint life, and your partner definitely does not want to risk the joy and happiness that your infrequent meetings bring to him now. You are definitely pleased to receive sometimes a" sea of ​​\u200b\u200blove and tenderness, but you are dominated by an attitude towards a joint life and formalization of relationships This is quite normal, but it is alarming that in everything in your relationship that does not fit into your approach, does not meet your expectations, you see signs of aggression and manipulation, attempts to piss you off, shift responsibility, etc.

Through pressure and attempts to dictate your will and your vision as the only possible way to build relationships, it is hardly possible to build strong relationship. If your partner is not ready to give you the answer that you expect from him - and he understands exactly what answer you expect from him, and is not ready to answer the way you want - then you have the opportunity to either accept his position and agree to support relations at the level at which they are acceptable to him, if he is really dear to you, or leave if such a position is unacceptable for you.

Judging by your letter, since you understand that your partner is not ready to fully meet your needs and expectations, then you intend to turn the “conversation” with him into a showdown with accusations of all the sins conceivable and unthinkable (he wants to piss you off, is waiting, that you flare up, manipulates to shift responsibility, etc.) to make him responsible for the fact that you fail to create a couple.

The key hypothesis as to why you fail to create a couple is that you unconsciously view your relationship with a man not as an alliance, but as a struggle in which he has the role of an aggressor and manipulator that you must fight before your complete and final victory .... perhaps, as a result of such a scene, your first marriage collapsed, and you subconsciously repeat the same mistakes in a new relationship ... perhaps this is a repetition of some scenario of your parental family... in the future, this could be clarified in work with a psychologist.

It seems that you are not yet ready to change yourself, change your approach to relationships and meet your partner, because you think that this will be a defeat in the fight. It is possible that you have already decided that you are not a couple, and you only need a "conversation" in order to blame your partner for the fact that your union did not take place. Even if you do not agree with this assumption of mine regarding your motive, I am sure that your man understands the situation in this way, and that is why he "leaves the conversation." Most likely, this indicates that you are dear to him, and he has feelings for you, but certain traits of your character and the pressure with which you are moving towards your goals are alarming and encourage him to "keep a distance." Perhaps he himself has already gone through a similar scenario in his first marriage and categorically does not want a repeat ...

It seems that you have already decided everything for yourself regarding the prospect of a relationship, and you are only not sure whether there were evil, "manipulative" intentions on his part, or not, and, accordingly, decide for yourself whether you have serious grounds arrange a debriefing with accusations, or you can leave kindly. And if so, then try to apply the principle of the presumption of innocence to your situation, and since there are no signs of guilt and manipulation on his part, try to implement your decision without showdowns and scandals. This will allow you to keep only those positive memories of that "sea of ​​tenderness and love for each other", maybe with a slight bitterness regarding the fact that fate and circumstances did not allow you to realize that scenario in these relationships regarding what it means to be a couple ", which you still see for yourself as the only possible one. Then in the future you will have the opportunity to rethink what happened and change your approach to building relationships, and you will be able to see in your partner not an enemy, not a manipulator with whom you need to constantly fight, but a spouse, in the name of happiness with whom you can change to meet his wishes, and take it as a win, not a loss...