Satyr you and your family. Virginia Satir You and your family. Personal Growth Guide

18.04.2019

Book of the Founder family counseling dedicated to Virginia Satir hot topic- family and inter-family relations. What happens in the family when solemn marriage far behind, and weekdays come, when every day face to face (or back to back) husband and wife, parents and children. It's boring? hard? no way? Is it possible to change something and how to do it - all this is fascinating with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in the desire and ability of a person to personal growth written in this book.
It is recommended not only for those whose life goal is to help solve other people's intra-family problems, but also for those who seek to make their family happy on their own.

My declaration of self-respect

I am me.

There is no one exactly like me in the whole world. Of course, there are people who are somewhat similar to me, but there is not a single person who completely repeats me. Everything that comes from me is exclusively mine, because it is my choice.

I own everything that is in me: my body and all its movements, my consciousness, including all thoughts and ideas that pass through it, my eyes and what they see, my feelings, whatever they may be - anger , joy, irritation, love, disappointment, delight. My mouth and all the words it says, whether they're polite, sweet, right, or tough and wrong. My voice, gentle or rough, and all my actions, directed both at myself and at others.

I own my triumphs and successes, mistakes and failures. Since I am wholly mine, I can get to know myself very intimately and thus make friends with myself, love myself and all that compose me, and therefore I can direct all actions in the direction of my interests.

I know what does not suit me, I also know that there is something that I do not know about myself. But I love myself and therefore I can boldly act to change what does not suit me, and also try to find out what I do not know. I am me regardless of what I say, how I act, how I look, what I think and feel. All this is only mine, and it reflects my position in this moment time.

When I reflect on how I looked, what I said, what I did, what I thought and felt, I can discard what I don’t like, leave what suits me, replacing the discarded with something new, more suitable.

I can hear and listen, speak and do. I have every opportunity to be close and useful to other people. All in order to understand the world of people and things around me.

I belong to myself, so I can create myself.

I am me. Everything is fine with me.

I owe too much to Virginia Satir for intellectual and emotionally to maintain objectivity in this introduction. I am very glad that you, nameless reader, are about to embark on a journey that may change your life, help you find it. new meaning and will contribute to your personal growth.

I first met Virginia Satir eleven years ago. She taught family therapy at the Palo Alto Institute for Intelligence Research. It was the first family therapy course in the country. I was then teaching an orthodox Freudian course in psychiatry, but in spite of this, her innovative ideas had such an effect on me that I joined Virginia with Don Jackson as the administrative director of the program, thanks to which I had the opportunity to observe how effective her work was. She used one-way mirrors, audio and video materials, educational games and exercises. Virginia gave examples from personal experience, staged demonstrations on herself, simulated family interviews. Today, these techniques are so common that it is easy to lose sight of their author.

Don Jackson, in turn, suggested that Virginia write a book on general family therapy. In his opinion, this book should have become a base in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, as family therapy gained prominence, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, seeking out and discovering new ideas and techniques in the field. She also became the first director of the training program at the Isalen Institute and played huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Virginia, without hesitation, combined aspects of sensory self-awareness, conflictology and Gestalt psychology. The techniques she used to work with dysfunctional families, today are used everywhere, because they help people develop their potential.

Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, called Virginia the luckiest person he had ever known.

After you have read this book, many of you will find that everything written is simple and obvious. In part, this will be because Virginia's ideas are common enough and have already received approval. But the secret lies in the fact that Virginia, a brilliant scientist, knows perfectly well all the principles underlying this or that phenomenon and capable of revealing its general patterns. It is in this case that the phenomenon being explained becomes surprisingly understandable and familiar.

Every time you re-read this book, you will find that its apparent simplicity hides real depth.

Robert Spitzer,

Publisher

Seven years ago, I wrote the book General Family Therapy, which was intended for professionals who deal with families and their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write new book for the families themselves who are faced with the problem of their internal relationships. In part, this book is a response to so many requests.

Since, in my opinion, no subject can be completely studied, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, systems and rules within the family that opened up to me. I took groups from several families to seminars with cohabitation, lasting up to one week. The seminars provided for continuous round-the-clock contact. What I learned from them did not cross out the previous ideas about the family, but, on the contrary, enriched them.

All aspects of the family - whether it be individual self-esteem, communications, systems or rules - are amenable to change or correction at any time. At each moment in time, a person's behavior is the result of a four-way interaction of his self-esteem, physical condition, interaction with another person, his system and his place in time, space and situation. And if I want to explain his behavior, then I need to take into account all these factors (without missing a single one) and the degree of their influence on each other. Throughout life, we draw conclusions based on personal experience, but none of them almost ever relate to who we really are or to our intentions.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only aggravated by constant conversations around them. In a word, there is hope that everything can be changed.

Thanks

Unfortunately, it is absolutely impossible to list all the people who helped and inspired me to this work. Their names would make another book. Among these people, a special place is occupied by families and members of these families, who allowed me to their problems and troubles, which, in turn, gave me a deeper and clearer knowledge of what a person is. It was thanks to them that the opportunity to write this book was realized.

I want to pay tribute to those of my colleagues who wished to learn from me, thereby allowing me to learn from them.

Special thanks to Pat Collins, Peggy Granger, and all the staff at Science and Behavior Books who spared no effort in producing this book.

Introduction

When I was little, I dreamed that when I grew up, I would become a detective to keep track of my parents. I had rather vague ideas about what exactly I would investigate, but even then it was clear to me that something mysterious was going on in all families, beyond the control of the mind of the uninitiated.

Today, 45 years later, having worked with about three thousand families and ten thousand people, I understand that there are indeed many mysteries. Family life is like an iceberg. Most people are aware of about one-tenth of what actually happens, that is, what they see and hear, often taking it for reality. Some suspect that there may be something else, but have no idea how to find out about it. Ignorance can bring a family to destruction. The fate of the sailor depends on his knowledge that the iceberg has an underwater part, and the fate of the family depends on understanding the feelings, needs and structure that lie behind everyday life this family.

In this age of stunning scientific discoveries, penetration into the atom, the conquest of outer space, discoveries in the field of genetics and other miracles, we continue to learn something new from the field of human relationships. I am sure that historians of the next millennium will speak of our time as the time of the birth of a new era in the development of man, an era when man began to exist in larger world within a larger society.

Behind long years work, I managed to understand the meaning of the expression "to live like a human being." It means understanding, appreciating and developing one’s body, considering it beautiful and useful, realistically and honestly assessing oneself and others, not being afraid to take risks, creating, showing one’s abilities, not being afraid to change something when the situation requires it, able to adapt to new conditions, keeping the old that can still be useful, and discarding the unnecessary.

If you put all these criteria together, you get a physically healthy, mentally developed, feeling, loving, cheerful, real, creative, productive person. A person who is able to stand on his own feet, a person who can truly love and truly fight, who combines tenderness and firmness and is aware of the difference between them, and therefore successfully achieves his goals.

13. Designing a family. Your relationship model

Adults are grown children. The family is the place where the development of a person takes place. Do you remember how you felt when you first saw your first baby? Remember how you felt watching your spouse babysit him? Remember all your hopes, worries, fears? I suspect that almost every adult feels bewildered when he realizes that he must raise this little creature into an intelligent, free, adult person.

When you look at all small child You think if no one takes care of him, he will die. So far, children, when they are born, do not bring with them benefits for care and upbringing, which means that someone must create these rules, and this is none other than the parents themselves. All of these rules become your designs and models, and that's what the next two chapters are about.

Probably, all parents feel that they must do everything in their power for the child, since the responsibility lies entirely with them. They may feel a lack of information, or have very vague ideas about parenting, or not at all recognize someone else's experience, but everyone will be guided by the best of intentions.

Every parent is faced with two questions: “What do I want my child to be in the future?” and “How are my partner and I going to get there?”

Your answers will be built according to your projects and models that you have drawn for yourself. Everyone has their own answer, although it can be both clear and vague, unsteady.

The work ahead is by no means easy. The school where parents teach is the toughest school in the world. You are at the same time a blackboard, and a director, and a teacher, and all this rolled into one. It is assumed that you know everything about life, and the list of requirements grows as the family is added. In your school there are no days off, no holidays, no holidays, no salary increases, let alone bonuses. You work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for at least 18 years with each of your children. In addition, do not forget that there is a second “head” of this school, and he must also be reckoned with.

Thus, one way or another, you begin to create, to mold "in the image and likeness" of a new person. Of course, this is the hardest work, difficult, restless, given with sweat and blood. Few people possess at the same time love, patience, humor, common sense, wisdom and a sense of increased responsibility. But this same work is the source of almost the most joyful and unforgettable moments of your life. What every parent would not give” to see the glowing eyes of a child and hear: “Mom, dad, you are the best!”

There is only one way to raise children - trial and error. No matter how much you read and build hypotheses, many things are known only in practice. I have a psychologist friend who lectured on parenting. The course was called "The 12 Fundamentals of Parenting." Then he got married and after the birth of the child he wrote new course titled "12 Tips for Parenting". After the birth of his second child, the course became known as 12 Parenting Tips, and after the birth of his third child, he stopped lecturing.

Probably, all parents, if asked, will answer approximately the same way how they would like to see their child: honest, healthy, strong, kind, with a sense of dignity, smart, with an easy character. Any parent will say that they want to be proud of their child.

I believe that the question is not “what” parents want for their children, what achievements are expected of them, the more important question is “how” to achieve this. Unfortunately, we devote the second question less attention even though he's in charge. It is my hope that this book will shed light on some of the "hows," and that is what the next two chapters are about.

I also want to pay attention to what value systems parents want to instill in their children and how they do it. In some families, the result of parental "contributions" will be a good relationship, peace and love, and in others - troubles and misfortunes.

Maybe already now you can critically evaluate your views on parenting and see what is going wrong at the moment. Maybe something needs to change right now. Or maybe you will realize that you are doing everything right.

It happens that many people create families, not yet mature for this and not having the knowledge and experience necessary for raising children. For example, how can a parent teach a child to be restrained if he himself has difficulty restraining his feelings. Parents have to learn with their children what they have not yet comprehended.

Most required quality what parents should have is moral readiness and knowledge of what awaits them in this difficult field. The process of education will become a hundred times more difficult if a person is not morally mature for this. Fortunately, changes are possible at any stage of our life, if only a person really wants these changes. It is necessary to comprehend everything in time, weigh it and try to change it, but this is not as easy to do as it might seem.

You can create a family and become a parent at any stage of your life, and you do not need to blame yourself and doubt the correctness and timeliness of your act. It is more important to realize what is happening now, what will happen next, and what you want to achieve. Believe me, self-flagellation is too unprofitable a waste of time and effort. They can be used for the benefit of you and others.

Most parents want their children to live, if not better than themselves, then at least no worse. When it turns out that everything is not going according to plan, a very strong disappointment sets in, and it is stronger than more strength was invested. At the same time, few people understand that the experience gained in childhood largely determines the line of raising children. I can even say that it main factor which forms the basis of planning future family. A person unconsciously embodies in his family the scheme of relations that was in the family of his parents, and it does not matter what kind of relationship there was.

Transfer parent schema on his family happens unconsciously and therefore is fraught with consequences. You can avoid many troubles only if you understand their causes.

If you really liked your parents' relationship, you can consciously accept their model, deciding for yourself: "I want my family to be like that." If you didn't like the way you were brought up, you decide not to repeat their mistakes. Unfortunately, understanding what not to do is only part of the problem. The main thing is to decide what needs to be changed and how to do it. This is where the problems begin. You are left without an example, without a model of action to take as a model. You must create it yourself. How will you do it? Where will you find solutions, and what content will you put into your model?

There are a lot of people who do not want to accept the parental model of relationships. After all, you often hear: “I will never raise my children the way my parents do!” This phrase can mean anything.

Now break away for a moment and remember what moments from your childhood you would like to avoid in your family, with your children. What were you trying to change? How did it work out? Write 5 positive examples from your childhood experience. Try to understand what exactly is good about them. Write 5 examples that have had a bad effect on you and analyze them as well. Have your spouse do the same.

You may remember how your father said, putting his hand on your shoulder: “You must mow the lawn in front of the house before tonight,” his voice was soft and calm, but the instruction sounded rather stern and was specific and clear to you. And you can compare this to how your mother behaved, who scolded you in a raised voice: “Why do you never do anything?! You're not going anywhere unless you help me!"

Or maybe your grandmother never refused you anything, and it was difficult for you to be honest with her. Perhaps your father always helped you when you had problems and you turned to him. He listened to you, and together you looked for a way out of the situation, but with your uncle it was the other way around. He said that it was not good to shift your problems onto others, and left you alone with your difficulties.

You may decide that neither parent was for you. positive example. For example, you turned to them for help, and they immediately dropped everything, so that you were in the spotlight, which made you feel uncomfortable, especially in the presence of other people. In the future, you were often unpleasant and offended when others treated you differently, when people were in no hurry to help you. You have not developed such a quality as patience, which is so necessary for an adult. A negative experience could be, for example, like this: when you uttered some kind of “dirty”, rude word, your mother either slapped your lips or locked you in a closet. You were hurt, you harbored anger and cried, feeling unloved.

As you make your list, think about how you can use both good and bad experiences for the benefit of your family.

Take a list of negative examples and try to understand what your parents wanted to achieve from you in this way. Today, through the eyes of an adult, you are already able to understand what you did not understand then. You have to teach the child the same things, but you can find another way. For example, isn't it better to just explain to a child that it's wrong to swear than to spank him for it?

You may also find that some of the things you were taught turned out to be wrong. For example, before Columbus discovered America, people believed that our planet was flat. And you could be taught that masturbation drives you crazy. After all, even doctors believed in it before. Now times have changed. Identifying and knowing such contradictions will greatly help you.

Young parents have to learn a lot of new things, especially since new information appears almost every day. Many adults are not aware of how a person actually develops, few people are familiar with the psychology of feelings and know how closely the mental, mental and physical development. There are even people who do not believe in the power of emotions, in the existence of the soul, although it is difficult for me to understand how one can not believe when there are so many confirmations of this around.

It took a long time to understand that knowledge is necessary for raising children. For some reason, we never doubted that they were necessary for raising piglets. We always thought that we should educate on an intuitive level, and behaved as if anyone would be a great parent, if he only wants to, conceive and give birth to a child. And it turned out to be the hardest job in the world. I often think what a heavy burden many parents have taken on. Much is expected of them, but they do not live up to expectations. I am convinced that there is pressing need either mass education or helping parents raise their children. There are many things you need to know in order to properly build a relationship and give a child full education. Imagine how everything will change if young parents before the birth of a child are aware of all the difficulties and underwater reefs future work and will be able to properly use the knowledge accumulated by mankind.

Now let's see where it all begins, let's trace the development of a young family. Here the child was born. There were three of them, and this third one requires so much care and attention that all personal life, as a rule, is reduced to zero. If this happens, then the child will pay for it for a very long time. If marital love goes out - the natural way out for many, especially for men, is new partner outside the family.

Stop for a minute. Has this happened to you? With your spouse? How has this affected your family? How did it start? What to do with it?

Here, many are lost, because they seem to have tried all means to change something. The starting point for you should be the realization of the real state of affairs, the recognition of the facts. You can change everything, no matter how far it goes.

First, figure out what knowledge you lack, and then think about how to get it. There is such a wise truth: "Life is what you see it." Change your views and your life will change. One man complained all the time that it was dark everywhere. Once he stumbled, fell and broke his glasses. And everything changed at once. There was light all around! He didn't know what he was wearing sunglasses.

Many of us have to fall for our sunglasses to break. And then we will make amazing discoveries.

If something goes wrong in your family, act as if a red light came on in the car, warning that the engine was overheating. This indicates that something is wrong. We need to stop and see what we can do. If you yourself cannot do anything, find someone you trust and who is competent in this matter. Whatever path you choose, most importantly, do not waste time on self-pity and lamentations on the topics "How unfortunate I am" and "How bad you are."

Do what we talked about in the systems chapter. Turn your family into research group instead of blaming society for your troubles. See how everything changes when you look at the heavy problem situations like alarms. It is not at all necessary to tear the hair on your head, blaming yourself and others. Hair will still be useful to you, it’s better to be glad that you received and noticed this signal in time. Of course, this is not so pleasant, but you are honest with yourself and you can find a way out.

I once worked with a family. A father and mother came to me with a 22-year-old son who had serious problems with psyche. When the course was over, the father, with tears in his eyes, hugged his son and said: “Thank you for your illness, it helped me recover.” Every time I think about it, it touches me.

I have already talked about the pitfalls that arise when you transfer the model parental relationship to your family. One of these moments is an attempt by a parent to give his child something that he himself was deprived of in childhood. Here, too, there are pros and cons.

bring you a prime example. After Christmas, a young woman came to see me, we'll call her Elaine. She was very angry with her 6-year-old daughter Pamela. Elaine denied herself everything for months just to buy her daughter an expensive beautiful doll, and Pamela took the gift for granted, almost not reacting to the doll. Of course, the mother felt resentment and disappointment. Outwardly, this manifested itself as anger. After some time working with me, Elaine realized that this doll, only for herself, was a childhood pipe dream. She gave it to her daughter and expected such a reaction as she herself would have had in childhood if she had been presented with this doll. She did not attach any importance to the fact that Pamela already had several beautiful dolls. The girl would be much happier if she were given a sled so she could ride with her brothers. When we clarified the situation, everything fell into place, Elaine realized that she bought this doll for herself, fulfilling her childhood dream, and her daughter had nothing to do with it.

And indeed, what's wrong with the fact that an adult can take and fulfill his childhood dream openly, for himself, without trying to replace himself with his children. Children are rarely happy to accept gifts that do not correspond to their desires, at least until they have learned to hide their displeasure.

That is why many parents, giving their children different toys, put a lot of restrictions. I mean the situation where fathers buy their children railway, then play with them, setting strict rules for when and how children can play it. How much more correct it would be for parents to buy this railroad for themselves and play with it as much as they like, and maybe sometimes let the children play.

Many parents disguise their unfulfilled dreams as caring for the future of their children. They often want the child to become what they themselves could not become at one time: “I want him to become a musician. I love music so much." Parents choose a future for their child that would suit them in his place, but this does not mean that it will also suit him. Maslow once said that trying to impose your plans on a child and expect him to fulfill his own hopes is like putting a straitjacket on him, which fetters his movements. In most cases, the child does not share the thoughts of his parents about his own future, but it is difficult for him to contradict them. After all, many adults complain about how their lives turned out due to the fact that in childhood they could not do it their own way without offending their parents. Parents' attachments to their past, to unfulfilled dreams and hopes become part of education and are embodied in children. They can be called shadows from the past, clouding the present.

If you are still internally dependent on your parents, you will not be able to act freely and effectively for fear of criticism from the older generation. This situation can make your relationship with children distorted, insincere, fake. Some complexes that you did not suspect may suddenly appear. Let's call it the shackling "hands" of the parents. The thirty-four-year-old man, the father of the family, never scolded the child directly, because his father always took the side of his grandson and argued with his son. And the man was afraid to argue with his father since childhood. Thus, he dishonestly and unfairly treated his son, although this was not laid down by him in his family model.

I often think about how people could change, if they suddenly put into practice all our knowledge on how to increase the self-esteem of each person. Despite the existing knowledge, we, oddly enough, have back results. We have the 10 Commandments, the Golden Rules and the Bill of Rights, and they've been around for quite some time. long period time. It seems to me that having goals, we are only now beginning to lift the veil over the means of achieving them.

We have almost everything necessary knowledge but they are concentrated in the hands of professionals. (It is assumed that this is so.) The trouble is that people with serious problems come to specialists. I don't want to belittle family psychotherapists, but so far the system of their work is such that they cover only small groups of people connected family relations. We do not give the art of building relationships the value it deserves, perhaps because there is prejudice, self-doubt and ignorance of reality.

Let's now talk about the so-called "parental disguises" that people put on themselves like clothes or throw on themselves like cloaks. I mean by this the aspect of an adult's life that concerns the interaction with the child, his parental care, guardianship, assistance to the child. This is relevant only as long as the child is still small, dependent, dependent and needs constant help. The problem is that these capes become habitual, never change or fall off. The key factor behind your family life, is the type of disguise you have chosen and whether you feel the need to wear it all the time.

There are three main types of disguises: "boss", "leader and guide" and "buddy". There is a fourth type - the absence of any parental care. Fortunately, there are few such people.

"Chief" implies three incarnations: a tyrant who abuses his power, is omniscient and is a model of virtue. ("I am the authority; do what I say.") He usually acts as an accuser. The second hypostasis is a martyr, an altruist, whose holy goal is to serve his neighbor. He assures others that no attention should be paid to him, and acts as a peacemaker. (“Pay no attention to me, just be happy.”) The third is a stone-faced person who lectures and teaches what is good and what is bad.

A "buddy" is a playmate who indulges everything and forgives everything, and does not recognize any responsibility for himself. ("I couldn't help it.") It's not the most the best way- irresponsibility in children develops precisely with such parents.

We pay dearly for our mistakes and abuses. Of these types, the worst is the tyrant who raises the faceless, too obedient children. In each case, I repeatedly identify the reasons for this behavior. They lie in low self-esteem, various complexes that people try to win back on others, in particular on children. His ways of acting speak of his ignorance, immaturity, rejection of himself. The child becomes a victim of low self-esteem and lack of self-respect.

When I dealt with such adults, my first reaction was unpleasant physical sensations up to nausea. When it passed, I saw in these people grown children who grew up in certain circumstances and are now trying to raise their children in the best way they can. And I roll up my sleeves and get to work to help these adults and their children overcome shame, ignorance, complexes.

They are in great need of real help because the only "help" they get in life is punishment in one form or another, and it only makes the situation worse. Someday people will understand that no amount of punishment will teach a person to be better, be it an adult or a child. Fortunately, there are not many people in the world who abuse children. However, prisons, psychiatric clinics and various institutions are filled with such people. different kind there are enough crimes for the chronicles of many newspapers, magazines and television programs.

A lot of parents often feel like slapping a child on the neck for some kind of misconduct, but only a few do it without hesitation. The same happens with children. Rarely do children raised in obedience and obedience not become tyrants or martyrs unless there is a significant change in their lives. I do not understand how justice can be taught by raising children in strict obedience. If there is anything we need in this world, it is to learn justice and the ability to reason. A person who cannot reason for himself becomes a tool in the hands of other people, since he was taught only to obey. It operates according to the scheme: "There is one the right way. So I must do the same."

I've dealt with this so much that I decided to do a seemingly stupid experiment. I tried to count how many ways there are to wash dishes. I counted 247. You probably know people who say that you can only wash dishes in one way, for example, before washing it must be rinsed or washed only with a certain soap, etc. After you have been with such a person in the same kitchen, you will want to kill him. I think that such things are the cause of so many quarrels and even a showdown with the help of force.

When people say: “It is so because I said so” or “You must do it because I said so” - they offend their interlocutor every time, because these words are equivalent to: “You are a stupid, worthless person. I know better what to do." Such attitudes affect the self-esteem of an adult, lowering it, but the self-esteem of children suffers especially from them.

With neither of the two types of "masks" can a positive trusting contact be established between the child and the parent. Effective Parenting cannot be carried out in an atmosphere of distrust, fear or indifference. I did not describe the three manifestations of the “boss” parent too impartially, but, unfortunately, this real situation of things.

I would advise all parents to try to be leaders and helpers, to be kind, strict, inspiring and understanding people who do not force their children to do one way or another, but advise them, temporarily directing them to the right side. When people become parents, they have many responsibilities, they can no longer live for their own pleasure, they have to give up their former joys. This is how it is considered. But I'm sure otherwise. Any daily worries and problems will look completely different if people are set to enjoy communicating with each other. I met many people who did not know what the joy of communication is. Instead of enjoying communication with loved ones, they tried to earn approval, avoid discontent, and please their partner.

I remember a young couple who told me that, having a very good close relationship and enjoying each other, they decided to do everything so that they had the same relationship with their child. That was 15 years ago, and today their relationship is wonderful. I get great pleasure from communicating with them. They already have three children, and their relationship is wonderful.

One of the components of the art of obtaining pleasure is the ability to change, flexibility, curiosity, a sense of humor. Agree, a situation when a 5-year-old child spills milk on the table can have a completely different outcome. It depends on what system of relations exists in his family. My friends Laura and Josh would say, “Oops! You let the glass control your hand. You must talk to your hand so that it remembers that it controls the objects, and not they control it. Let's go to the kitchen for a rag and clean everything here. They walk into the kitchen together, laughing and joking. I hear Josh say, “You know, Dave, I remember the same thing happened to me. I did something like this and felt terrible. And how are you?" To which Dave replies, “Yeah, I feel embarrassed too. Mom will have to clean it all up. I really didn't want to."

I can also imagine this situation in another family, in the family of Al and Ethel. Ethel grabs Dave by the arm, pulls him out from behind the table, shakes him, and says as Al leaves the room, “I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid. He grows into a real nerd."

Another couple, Edith and Henry, would react as follows: milk spills, Henry looks at Edith, raises his eyebrows, and continues to eat in complete silence. Edith quietly gets up, wipes the table and looks at Dave very expressively. The style of behavior of the first couple differs in better side in all respects. No one is offended here, there are no negative emotions, except for Dave's experience, which is absolutely fair. The same cannot be said of the other two cases. What do you think about this?

Does it happen in your family that everyone is just happy to communicate with each other? If you think it doesn't, think about what you can do. I can't imagine how people can love each other if they don't get the joy out of communication as such.

This is one of the main values of our life. How to teach all members of your family to love and respect each other? The first step is to love yourself. Can you truly enjoy yourself? Do you like to be alone sometimes? Some people think that they oppose themselves to society if they allow themselves to be immersed in their own world. They believe that you can do either one or the other, that is, either love yourself or society. I think it's the other way around. If you can't get joy from communicating with yourself, you will think how bad you are and that something is wrong with you, and as a result, infect others with your mood.

For a child, the process of self-knowledge begins with the knowledge of his body, and at the same time he begins to treat himself somehow - either love or be shy. He recognizes the parts of his body, the colors and sounds around him.

When a child sees how adults like him, he himself begins to treat himself accordingly and understand that a person can also admire, enjoy and enjoy communication.

Along with this, he develops a sense of beauty. To be honest, we do very little to develop all these feelings in a child. In the vast majority of families, upbringing boils down to the fact that they are given the experience of hard work, family scandals and feelings of heaviness. I was very interested in the fact that when I worked with adults: helping them get rid of their barriers and complexes, trying to teach them to have fun, a lot of good was found in each of them, and it turned out that they can communicate easily and freely. You have no idea what burden people carry in the form of negative emotions, problems and worries. Not surprisingly, many children do not want to be adults, because "being an adult is not interesting."

I do not think that having fun and enjoying life means being a stupid and incompetent person. I will say more, you can't really be a professional without getting pleasure from your work and without feeling a certain lightness of attitude towards it (not indifference!). It is very important to be able to laugh at yourself and understand jokes. All this, again, comes from the family. If everything your parents told you was to be taken as exceptional wisdom, you have little chance of developing a sense of humor.

You need to understand that when people become dads and moms, they do not stop being ordinary people. They just have more responsibilities and worries. I have been in many families where seriousness and concentration hang in the air like fog, and the children are so obedient that it seemed to me that they were not people, but angels or ghosts. There are houses where they maintain such cleanliness that I personally felt like a towel that was specially sterilized. I doubt that in such an environment love for oneself and an adequate perception of oneself and others can appear.

What is the atmosphere like in your family? Attitude towards love, all the basic ideas about relationships are laid in the family. Have you ever tried to analyze what the feeling of love is like? When I love, I experience an extraordinary lightness, my vitality rises, I feel a pleasant excitement, openness and trust in a person. I feel my own value and need, I am able to understand the person to whom my love is directed at a half-word. I do not put pressure on a loved one, I try to look at the world through his eyes, share his ideas, accept his beliefs. I really like this feeling. I consider love to be the highest manifestation of all that is good in a person.

In the process of work, I realized that there are very few families with the same attitude towards love. Everyone talks mainly about experiences, misunderstanding, disappointment in each other. So much energy is spent on getting things right and doing everything necessary that there is no time or desire for anything else.

We talked about problems and worst sides family life. Before we try to find a solution to these problems, I want to tell you one more thing.

I am reminded of the story of Robert Benchley. He was a college student, and in his final exam, he had to write about the reproduction of fish and how they treat their offspring. Robert did not open the textbook for the whole semester and began his work with following words: "The issue of fish reproduction has received a lot of attention, it has been studied from all sides, except for one: no one has tried to look at the problem from the position of the fish themselves." And so on, the whole work was written in this spirit. It was probably the funniest exam paper at Harvard.

So, having devoted so many pages to the problem of creating a family, let's now consider the situation from the point of view of children.

Like everyone else, I was small, and like everyone else, I don't remember anything special from my childhood. Only some episodes that seemed important then. Since then, I have watched a lot of how children communicate with their parents, and I myself have talked a lot with them. I also studied literature about the peculiarities of children's thinking and psyche.

According to recent studies, all feelings wake up in children a few hours after birth. Fifty years ago, there was an opinion that small children were not receptive, they were not considered full-fledged people. Now we know that this is not the case.

So, I will try to look at the world through the eyes of little Joey, who is about two weeks old.

"Sometimes my body gives me discomfort. When I'm wrapped too tight, my back hurts and I can't turn around. When I'm hungry, the stomach makes itself felt, and when we eat, it starts to hurt. It is very unpleasant when the sun shines in my eyes, because I cannot move away. Sometimes I stay in the sun for too long and get minor burns. Sometimes I get dressed too hot, and sometimes I, on the contrary, feel cold. It happens that your eyes start to hurt or you get tired of looking at bare walls. My hands often get numb if I'm swaddled too tightly. It is very unpleasant to lie in bed for a long time. wet diapers- irritation begins. Sometimes there are constipations, and unpleasant sensations appear in the intestines. In the wind, my skin is constantly weathered. I am very acutely aware when the bathing water is colder or hotter than it should be.”

"I am often touched different people and when they squeeze me too hard, it hurts. Sometimes they hold me too tightly, and sometimes I'm afraid that they will drop me. These many hands do what they want with me: they throw me up, push me, squeeze me, hold me so that I don't fall. Sometimes they really hurt me when they lift me by one hand or when they change diapers, they hold my legs like a hare. Sometimes I feel like they want to suffocate me when they hug me too tightly so that I can’t breathe.”

“Another terrible moment is when someone suddenly brings their huge head right up to my face. It seems to me that this giant will crush me. Whenever it hurts, I cry. It's the only way for me to make it clear that I'm in pain. But people don't always understand what I want to say. The sounds around me are pleasant, and sometimes they give me a headache. Then I start crying too. I can also cry if I smell bad.

Mom and dad almost always pay attention to my crying. They even understand exactly what I want. But sometimes I feel like they just want me to shut up and let them do their thing. They scold me a little in their arms, as if I were a bag, and put me back. Then it gets worse for me. I understand they have other things to do."

“When I am touched and stroked by people who love me, all unpleasant physical sensations disappear. I think these people understand me. I try to help them with this. I try to cry in different ways, depending on what I need. I love it when people talk to me in a calm, gentle voice. I also love it when my mother looks at me, especially when she looks into my eyes.

I'm sure she doesn't suspect that her hands sometimes hurt me, and her voice is too harsh. If she knew, she would try to change. She is very distracted at times. I sometimes even fear her when she speaks loudly and does jerky movements. When she comes up to me at such moments, I involuntarily lean back, and she really doesn’t like it. She thinks I don't love her. Then my dad comes up to me. He very gently takes me into his arms, and I feel secure and calm. I can see that he also really likes to communicate with me. And then I hear mom and dad arguing. I'm sure it's because of me. Maybe I shouldn't have cried."

“And sometimes it seems to me that my mother does not understand that my body reacts to everything in the same way as hers. I wish I could tell her. If she knew that I have a very good hearing, she wouldn't say a lot of things about me to her friends when I'm around in my crib. One day she said, "Joe will probably become like Uncle Jim." And she cried. Later I found out that Uncle Jim is my mother's favorite brother, very good man, and she cried because he died in an accident when she was driving. If I knew all this at once, I would not think that she was crying because of me, I would immediately understand that she was remembering him, looking at me. I would advise adults to tell their kids everything, regardless of age. Otherwise, the child will misunderstand this or that phrase and will worry.

“When I was born, I lay on my back all the time and managed to study everyone well from this position. I know all the chins to the smallest detail. I saw everything that was above, I saw it from below, and I was sure that this is how it really is.

When I learned to sit, I was very surprised. Starting to crawl, I saw that there was something under me too, and I learned what ankles and feet are. When I learned to stand, I found out that there are also knees. I was only 60 centimeters tall when I got to my feet. Looking back at my mother, I saw her chin in a completely different direction. Her hands were very large. Often, when I stand between my mom and dad, it seems that they are somewhere far away from me, so at times I feel uncomfortable and I feel very small.

“When I learned to walk, my mother and I went to the grocery store. Mom was in a hurry and held my hand. She walked so fast that my feet barely touched the ground. My hand hurt, and I cried, and my mother got angry. I don’t think she understood the reason for my tears: she walked on two legs and her hands were in a normal position, and I could hardly manage to move my legs, my hand was very uncomfortable, and I kept losing my balance.

“I remember how tired my hands were when the three of us walked, and dad and mom held my hands. Dad is taller than mom, so one of my arms was higher than the other, and I was a little lopsided. My feet didn't feel the ground at all. My father has a wide step, and I could not manage to get in time. When I could no longer endure, I asked my father to take me in his arms. He thought I was just tired and carried me in his arms. Despite the fact that in general that time was very good, there were many such moments in the memory.

“It seems to me that the parents began to attend some classes. They have changed a lot. Now, when they want to talk to me, they lean over and look me in the eye, and I don't have to lift my head."

(I always look children in the eye at their level, crouched or crouched.)

Since the first impressions are very strong and deep, I wonder if the image of the parents is really something very big, personifying strength and power. On the one hand, the child feels protected, and on the other, small and defenseless in front of them.

I have already said this, but it is not a sin to repeat it again. A child is really absolutely defenseless and helpless in front of an adult. Parents, of course, understand this and treat him accordingly, but often this attitude lasts much longer than necessary. So, an 18-year-old son or daughter is still small in the eyes of the parents, no matter how independent and mature the child has become. A child may retain in his memory the image of his parents as a symbol of power, while he himself is already providing for their old age. Those rare parents who are aware of these moments, will try to instill self-confidence in the child, convince him of self-importance and show the limits of their own power. At the same time, they themselves become a model for the child. If the parents do not do this, the person grows up infantile and becomes a burden for everyone, or simply puts pressure on others.

When I realized that the body of a child, just like an adult, reacts to the world, and all feelings begin to work within two hours after birth, when I realized that his brain was functioning with might and main to understand what was happening, although he could not talk about his experiences, I began to treat him as a full-fledged person. The brain is the most amazing of all computers, constantly looking for meaning in everything. Like a computer, our brain "does not know what it does not know", that is, it can only operate with the information that it has.

Here is one of the exercises that I do with my parents.

One adult takes the position of a child who is not yet able to speak, but only lies on his back in a crib. He should only respond with gestures and sounds. A couple more adults bend over him and try to do what they usually do with babies, guided by his attempts to explain what he wants. Each adult in turn takes the position of the child. After 5 minutes of playing, I ask everyone to tell what they thought and felt. In the middle of one of the situations, I depict either a door or phone call. At the same time, I try to choose the moment when the child wants something. Then each tells how outside interference has affected him. If you like it, try it yourself.

This is a very simple way - to explain to an adult what the child feels and how this experience affects his further development.

The first impressions of the baby are the touch of hands, the sounds of voices, smells. His attitude to people depends on how he is treated and talked to, while the foundations for the development of his psyche are laid. He has to immediately learn to decipher intonations, touches, sounds and smells. The world of a newborn must be extremely complex and intimidating.

I am sure that by the time the child himself can walk, eat, talk, he already has a well-formed idea of life. IN later life will only make minor adjustments. The child must learn how to treat himself, people and phenomena. Here, the decisive role is played by how you decide to educate him, what and how you will teach him.

Any training is multifaceted. While the baby is learning to walk, he simultaneously receives knowledge about the ways of communication, and then forms his own opinion on how to build relationships with people, from whom to expect. He also learns something about the world around him from phrases like “Don't touch! Drop it!”

In the first three years, he learns more than in the rest of his life. Never again will so much new information appear in such a short time.

And the impact of the baggage accumulated in the first years of life is much greater than one can imagine. If parents understand all this, they are much more attentive to the connection between what they do for the child and the colossal work that the child does himself, trying to learn something. Due to ignorance, many parents do not perceive their child as a person until he goes to school, and some - until the child leaves the family.

Lots of family problems- a direct result of parental ignorance and misunderstanding. We pay too much attention to discipline and forget about mutual understanding.

There are three more problem moments in education. They are not so easy to eliminate, because they are at the very bottom of the "iceberg" of visible and invisible aspects of the relationship.

The first is ignorance, that is, when a person simply does not know. And if you do not suspect the existence of something, then it would never occur to you that you can try to get to know it.

The second moment is when your communication with people does not give positive result, because you have a very vague idea of what you want and what the essence of the phenomenon is.

Many parents are often surprised at how children sometimes understand apparently innocent phrases or situations, although they try to instill something completely different in them. For example, I know a couple who tried to teach their children not to be racist. They invited a Negro boy into the house. When he left, mom asked the kids if they liked him curly hair. But she asked it in a tone that implied a negative reaction, emphasizing their difference. If people are more attentive to such things, they can imagine in advance what the child will take out of the situation.

I remember another incident. A young mother answered 6-year-old son Alex on the question of how children are born. She spoke very much and difficultly, and a few days later Alex, very puzzled, asked her: “Mom, was it hard for you to stand on your head?” His mother asked in bewilderment what he meant, to which Alex replied: "Well, when dad was planting seeds." The mother spoke very incomprehensibly about the process of fertilization, and Alex himself completed the picture.

The third difficult point is your value system. It should be very clear and precise for you, only then the child will be able to learn it. And if you can’t directly say what is, the situation will become like this: “Do as I say, but not as I do,” or: “Why are you asking me? Think yourself". Any of these answers will place in the soul of the child doubts about your sincerity.

As I have already said, all the foundations of worldview are laid at the very beginning, in the first years of life. Everyone who raised a child leaves a mark on his soul and mind, teaches him certain attitude to life, which further forms his own views on the upbringing of children.

Now we can move on to the next chapter, where we will consider the problem of education in more detail.

"You and Your Family: A Guide to Personal Growth": Institute for General Humanities Research; Moscow; 2013

ISBN 5-88230-204-8

annotation

The book of the founder of family counseling, Virginia Satir, is devoted to the most pressing topic - the family and intra-family relationships. What happens in the family when the solemn marriage is far behind, and weekdays come, when every day face to face (or back to back) husband and wife, parents and children. It's boring? hard? no way? Is it possible to change something and how to do it - all this is fascinating with subtle and kind humor, and most importantly, with faith in the desire and ability of a person for personal growth is written in this book. It is recommended not only to professionals whose life goal is to help solve other people's intra-family problems, but also to all those who seek to make their family happy on their own.

Foreword

I owe too much intellectually and emotionally to Virginia Satir to be objective in this introduction. I am very glad that you, the nameless reader, are about to embark on a journey that may change your life, help you find new meaning and will contribute to your personal growth.

Don Jackson, in turn, suggested that Virginia write a book on general family therapy. In his opinion, this book should have become a base in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, as family therapy gained prominence, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, seeking out and discovering new ideas and techniques in the field. She also became the first director of the training program at the Isalen Institute and played a huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Virginia, without hesitation, combined aspects of sensory self-awareness, conflictology and Gestalt psychology. The techniques she used in working with dysfunctional families are now used everywhere, because they help people develop their potential.

Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, called Virginia the luckiest person he had ever known.

Every time you re-read this book, you will find that its apparent simplicity hides real depth.

Robert Spitzer,

Publisher

Seven years ago, I wrote the book General Family Therapy, which was intended for professionals who deal with families and their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write a new book for the families themselves who are faced with the problem of their internal relationships. In part, this book is a response to so many requests.

Since, in my opinion, no subject can be completely studied, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, systems and rules within the family that opened up to me. I have taken groups of several families for co-living workshops lasting up to one week. The seminars provided for continuous round-the-clock contact. What I learned from them did not cross out the previous ideas about the family, but, on the contrary, enriched them.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only aggravated by constant conversations around them. In a word, there is hope that everything can be changed.

Foreword

Don Jackson, in turn, suggested that Virginia write a book on general family therapy. In his opinion, this book should have become a base in the field of family therapy.

Five years later, as family therapy gained prominence, Virginia took the lead in the Potential Growth Movement, seeking out and discovering new ideas and techniques in the field. She also became the first director of the training program at the Isalen Institute and played a huge role in the creation of many other development centers. Virginia, without hesitation, combined aspects of sensory self-awareness, conflictology and Gestalt psychology. The techniques she used in working with dysfunctional families are now used everywhere, because they help people develop their potential.

Fritz Perls, shortly before his death, called Virginia the luckiest person he had ever known.

Every time you re-read this book, you will find that its apparent simplicity hides real depth.

Robert Spitzer,

Publisher

Seven years ago, I wrote the book General Family Therapy, which was intended for professionals who deal with families and their problems. Since then, I have received many requests to write a new book for the families themselves who are faced with the problem of their internal relationships. In part, this book is a response to so many requests.

Since, in my opinion, no subject can be completely studied, I continued to experiment with new aspects of self-esteem, communication, systems and rules within the family that opened up to me. I have taken groups of several families for co-living workshops lasting up to one week. The seminars provided for continuous round-the-clock contact. What I learned from them did not cross out the previous ideas about the family, but, on the contrary, enriched them.

The solution of old problems is postponed, and the problems themselves are only aggravated by constant conversations around them. In a word, there is hope that everything can be changed.

Thanks

I want to pay tribute to those of my colleagues who wished to learn from me, thereby allowing me to learn from them.

Special thanks to Pat Collins, Peggy Granger, and all the staff at Science and Behavior Books who spared no effort in producing this book.

Introduction

Over the years of work, I managed to understand the meaning of the expression "to live like a human being." It means understanding, appreciating and developing one’s body, considering it beautiful and useful, realistically and honestly assessing oneself and others, not being afraid to take risks, creating, showing one’s abilities, not being afraid to change something when the situation requires it, able to adapt to new conditions, keeping the old that can still be useful, and discarding the unnecessary.

The family is a "factory" where such a person is formed. You adults form new people.

In my years of work in family therapy, I have come to understand that there are four factors of family life that are inevitably present in the lives of people who come to me for help. This:

Thoughts and feelings that each person experiences in relation to himself. What I call self-esteem;

Ways people follow to understand each other. What I call communication;

The rules that people follow in their lives. Sometimes they make up a certain totality, a family system;

The way people interact with people and communities outside of the family. I call it community connection.